Rock of Love Bus Reunion: Reliving The Ho-ments

Welcome to the Rock of Love Bus Reunion Show! It’s a leopard printed hello from 80′s hair metal’s favorite almost-been, Rikki Rachtman! He gives us a brief history Rock of Love, consisting mostly of Soccer Mom Ambre, and then it’s time to catch up with the hos!

Long live Fred Flinstone!

I don’t remember all of them, but here’s who stands out – Deluded Ho Janie and Boring Butch Beverly and who both look much, much improved; Farrah who looks amazing; Pole Dancer Melissa who looks disgusting and whose weave looks like old wool; Skipper Kelsey, who looks like crap in what appears to be a brown wig and Marcia Brazil, who’s I think is still the prettiest one of all of them, if you just don’t think about the Doritos and tequila flavored vomit.

Getting eliminated has done this ho some good.

Faithful acolyte Rikki introduces The Ego with the requisite reminders of his far reaching fame – fifteen hit songs, twenty-five million singles…and dated at least three hundred “chicks”. And then, it’s Bret! And the entrance does not disappoint. Not only do we get him in the Bret Michaels Classic Rock Pose #1, arms up and out – but today we get pyro! Just a tiny bit, but it looks awesome. See, this is what happens when you give the rock star a producer credit.

Woah. Watch the weave.

Bret’s got a new look. A mustache, and some kind of goatee thing. The mustache alone would have been hot, but the rest of it needs to go. His hair looks soft and pretty, and wardrobe is seriously toned down to black t-shirt, jeans and red bandana. What I wouldn’t give for a flame painted pleather pantsuit, but at this point I’ve given up all hope.

Rikki gushes over the hotness of the hos, and Bret generously agrees. Then Rikki asks if Bret’s ever been tempted to not chase down a ho and just bunk in his tour bus and read a book. Stupid question, and no, never. Also, it’s not been confirmed that Bret even knows how to read.

And then it’s time to catch up with the hos. First up is Nutbar Constandina and her brilliantly timed vow of celibacy. She still looks odd, like one of those wiccan types. And she’s married! She married her husband in Times Square, officiated by the Naked Cowboy. Well, that seems like a marriage destined to last forever.

Any wedding within a hundred feet of an Olive Garden will get refillable breadsticks for life.

Then Nutbar tells us that Bret misunderstood. She came on the bus to break her vow of celibacy. And she thought Bret “could be the one” to do it. “And I’m learning about this now because why?” Bret wants to know. Cause she’s a nutbar and it’s pointless to try and find sense amongst all the almonds and pistachios bumping around in her head?

So Nutbar says that Bret’s a spiritual person and he has the universe at his disposal. Which I’m sure he really cares about when he also has two busses of loose hos at his disposal. Then she sticks a bindi on Bret’s bandana. Bret is polite and gracious, although he does make a half assed Bret comment about “feeling something spiritual coming on real soon”.

Then Rikki wants to know who’s left Rock of Love and gotten engaged…married…pregnant? One of them is indeed knocked up. I couldn’t tell you which one – she’s tucked away in the back. Must have been one of the first to go.

But onto more entertaining hos…it’s time to relive old times with Marcia Brazil and her throw-up flavored kiss, and the Coochie Shot girls. I’m nauseous and happy at the same time. Bret can give all the speeches about connections he wants, but trashy hos is what we’re here for.

Like I said.

He thinks Brazil looks beautiful, and I agree – I always thought she was the prettiest of the bunch. The skanky blondes look a little different, one of them has a new, wooly weave, but don’t worry, still skanky. Brazil happily recounts her endless bottle of tequila, and how she was always herself. “I drank a lot,” she shrugs. And there you have it.

But Rikki wants to know about the throw-up Doritos kiss. Bret said he could taste Doritos “with a kicker”. But she had such nice lips, he really didn’t care. “At least I ate Doritos first, so it didn’t taste too bad,” she offers. I’m beyond disgusted, but Bret just commends her for taking it like a rock star and they move on.

Bret and Rikki agree that some of these girls could out-party many of the bands he’s toured with. Well, yeah now. They just want to play the local ampitheather, go home and brush out their weave before bed. These hos don’t give a crap what their weave looks like. And I notice that the gross blondes are both wearing the most humongous stripper shoes I have ever seen in my life. Both of them. I hate to admit it, but I’m impressed. From the ankles down, it’s hot.

Now it’s time for a potato sack race.

Rikki asks the hos if any of them thought they had a drinking problem. And turns out, both of the Coochie Shot hos did. One of them says she’s been two months sober, and I sort of buy it, and then DJ Lady Tribe tells some fable of being sent to rehab and partying sober which I’m pretty sure she concocted in between puffs on her crack pipe in the bathroom before the show. Rikki just wishes them luck, drunk or sober. Best to cover all the bases there.

Then Rikki wants to know what you get when you mix silicone and a little bit – “no, a lot!” of attitude? The Blonde-tourage! Well, this is the best part. We get their highlights, which included salsa-ing Gopher’s luggage and Juliette Lewis’s breakdown on the bus, complete with anti-basil eater rant. We are also treated to her flinging Lean Cuisines about the bus while Farrah peers in fascination into every kitchen drawer. Which I just watched about five times because I think it’s just hilarious.

Before bed reading.

Oh, but it gets better! We also see them stumbling into eliminations, Juliette Lewis telling us she can’t even spell eliminations, which I don’t really think had anything to do with her being drunk, and then her wandering off camera after declaring she had no idea where she was. This is the most classic Rock of Love ho-ment ever.

Rikki calls Juliette Lewis, Farrah and Princess Melissa onto the stage. Princess Melissa? What does that wretched ho have to do with any of this? And why is Bret being nice to her? He has so much forgiveness. I’d smack her if she ever crossed my path. Anyway, Juliette Lewis doesn’t even remember who the Princess is. “She popped her boob!” yells a helpful audience member. Juliette Lewis still seems confused.

Rikki asks Princess Melissa why she isn’t sitting on the other couch with Juliette Lewis and Farrah. “Are you in the Blonde-tourage?” he asks her sneakily. “I started the Blonde-tourage,” she snaps back, and then gives him some long winded explanation. If you have to explain, then no one’s gonna believe it anyway. Sorry, ho. The Blonde-tourage is Farrah, who looks amazing, and Juliette Lewis who shuts Princess up by asking if anyone had a pen and paper, “so I can give her my autograph”. Awwww, a generous ho. I can only hopes it turns into another smackdown over who’s a bigger celebrity. Cause let’s face it. Clearly, it’s Rikki.

So Rikki takes an audience a vote. Obvs, the real Blonde-tourage wins and Princess Melissa sits there looking stupid as she’s booed. Then Rikki kicks her off the stage while Juliette Lewis accuses her of being a “crazy fan”. That’s mean. I’d just say she’s mildly retarded.

That’s a pretty good bet in this room.

Now Rikki has an interesting question – who’s in the Blonde-tourage Hall of Fame? I don’t care about anyone besides Farrah and A-Bomb. Then Rikki asks if Bret’s a member of the Blonde-tourage. They say he is, and then Juliette Lewis tells us that he’s got his own secret handshake that she taught him. Say no more Juliette Lewis, and I really do mean that.

Rikki wants to know what was the purpose of the Blonde-tourage. Farrah explains to the television viewing impaired that it got totally boring after they left. “Who wants to watch Taya crimp her hair for eight hours?” Juliette Lewis wonders. Even Bret doesn’t have a response to that.

The only other things that happen are Juliette Lewis talks about being bi and having the hots for Pierced Mute Brittanya, which Bret totally supports, and Farrah applies lipgloss on both of them out of a tube from her boobs. It’s classy.

Then it’s time to catch up with Porn Brittenay. We watch the sock stealing episode, and the fight she had with the black transvestite ho. The first thing Rikki wants to know is if she’s sorry for bringing up the “my grandfather was black” comment during the fight with the black tranny. Natasha, I think? I would have focused on the socks, but I’m sure Rikki thinks this is hard-hitting, socially relevant journalism.

Porn gives some lame excuse about how she always thought that Bret only dated blondes with blue eyes and big boobs. And clearly the tranny wasn’t his type, and Porn was just trying to he helpful in pointing that out. Thanks, ho! Then Rikki asks the tranny if she thinks she’s Bret’s type, to which she replies, “Who gives a fuck if I’m his type? The question is – is he mine?” On one hand, loves the answer, on the other, well, what else do you say after you’re dumped?

That works too.

“What guy wouldn’t want me?” Tranny asks. Well, just not the ones not into dicks, but besides that, I’m sure everyone. And then Skipper Kelsey and her ugly wig start yelling about how Tranny does porn, which she doesn’t deny, in fact she proudly yells that she makes “Six figures! Six figures! Six figures!” doing porn, which is probably directly correlated to how many people have been in her confused private parts.

But Tranny doesn’t do anything. She just yells about how much money she makes. Until Skipper starts calling her “Nathaniel” instead of “Natasha”. And all hell breaks loose. Tranny goes bananas. She tears madly through the hos and attacks Skipper. Security’s immediately all over the scene, while Bret sits by. BJ sits by too, in case anyone’s wondering, which I’m sure no one was. No reason to break up a scuffle between hos when you can just sit in a chair and do nothing.

You beat someone up. How not manly of you.

Well, after the dust clears and Skipper is lifted up and carried away by a security guard, Rikki tells us we’re going to take a break and get the fight “figured out”. Are we going to address the tranny rumors? Ugh, no according to the previews, we’re going to hear Gopher whine about how much she misses Bret. Can’t wait.

And here we go. Gopher’s journey with Bret. And get this one, when she comes on stage, the crowd goes wild, and Gopher and Bret totally start making out! For real? Gopher has fans? Well, she certainly has one in Rikki. He flat out tells Bret that he thinks he picked the wrong girl.

Rikki takes it a step further, asking Gopher why she got along so well with everyone else. Because average makes people feel better about themselves? “Because I’m real,” she says ever so humbly. If she’s happy, you know it. If she’s sad, you know it. “If you’re in a funk…” Bret begins. Well, Gopher sees her “funks” as a positive. At least she’s being real, she hammers in. But if your reality is boring, jealous and insecure, isn’t fake a better way to go?

And then this happens.

It’s time to discuss Gopher’s broken heart. She tells Bret she was in love with him and she “left my heart on the tour bus”. See, another song title! She launches into a very, very long, impassioned, and totally rehearsed speech about how she was so in love with him she “couldn’t see straight”. And other platitudes.

Of course, had she articulated this to Bret, he would have dumped her ass immediately for not realizing it was a TV show, but because it is a TV show, and an adequately self aware one at that, Bret tells her had she told him all of this sooner…things might have been different. Let’s play along cause maybe it well help Gopher in therapy. Then he tells her he thinks they’re going to be “close” for a long time, which means he still wants to have sex with her after the show.

Rikki asks Gopher how her life has been different since Rock of Love. Well, now the Old Navy staff members want to pose for pictures with her. Fame’s so crazy. I would like to point out that as I’m writing these very words, Anderson Cooper is walking right past me on his way out of the gym. Weird. And fabulous. And don’t worry, I play it cooler than those star-struck Old Navy girls. Although I did text Flippy about it. And I twittered. Come on, it’s AC.

So Gopher glows with the glory of an adoring public. “I find it so endearing every time someone tells me I’m their favorite,” she says, clearly adjusted to her newfound celebrity status. Oh, the little, non-famous people. They’re so endearing.

How is this not a long term, meaningful relationship?

Oh! OH! And here comes the Flirty Girl commercial! Did I ever get my Flirty Girl DVD? No, I did not! I’m livid.

And then it’s time to revisit Taya’s journey to Bret. We relive such romantic moments as her gifting him her smelly underwear from her first Penthouse shoot. And then the countless conversations about Penthouse and motives and Gopher trying to throw her under the proverbial reality show bus. Which on this show, actually makes perfect sense. Mindy should have just written a song about it. She seems to be very good with the bus analogies.

Of course, Penty’s whole video package is set to her song, which is starting to grow on me. I really love that she comes complete with a soundtrack.

There she is! She’s dressed in silver.

If your man worries you might be a bit cold, you probably shouldn’t wear body armor on a date. It sends a bad message.

And…restraining order.

I have to admit that her hello kiss doesn’t look as passionate as Gopher’s. The Blonde-tourage turn their chairs around in protest. See? Those hos know how to work the crowd. That’s why they need their TV show on a tour bus.

Now you get to stare at Gopher. Was it worth it?

Rikki tells Penty that she has a little lipstick on her teeth from kissing Bret, and she wipes it off asking, “Am I perfect yet?” Gopher just glares. This is gonna be good. I hope.

Immediately, Rikki gets on her for having ulterior motives for being on the show. Penty, who’s also done some rehearsing, gives a big song and dance about how she couldn’t have hidden the Penthouse thing anyway, and she was just being honest. Boring Butch – and hey, why didn’t we hear from her? Anyway, Boring Butch yells something about how Penty tried to hide being a stripper.

Looks like love!

And Bret defends his ho. He says she took a lot of shots from the other hos, and no one should cast the first stone, and blah blah blah, she’s a beautiful girl. And then we’re back to Gopher. Great, let’s find out what she thinks of all of this. Rikki points out that she worked very hard at “planting seeds of doubt” in Bret’s mind about Penty. It’s true. She worked harder at that than at landing Bret, and that’s why she didn’t.

But Gopher, who’s legally insane when it comes to Penty, tells Rikki that she never tried to do that, “I simply answered questions that were asked of me,” she concludes primly. Is this ho serious? Was she on the same show that I watched?

There she is!

“I never saw in her eyes what I was feeling in my heart about Bret,” Gopher explains. Oh, well. If Gopher didn’t see some imaginary emotion in Penty’s eyes, then clearly Bret’s made the wrong choice. I didn’t see it in her eyes? That’s even too stupid for a Poison song.

Rikki asks Penty if she feels bad to hear Gopher question her motives. And Penty says very firmly that she was a good friend to Gopher on the show, and that all Gopher could see was her own agenda of trying to get “what her heart told her that she wanted”. Which I think was very well said. And then she says that she doesn’t have to explain herself to Gopher or anyone else, and what the hell with all the makeup? It looks even more spackled than usual.

But Rikki won’t let it go. He tells Bret that a lot of people have doubts about Penty. And Bret says that he thinks that Penty treated other people well, and that Gopher liked her as a person, but that the three of them became too emotionally attached.

Unlike. Any. Reality Show. EVER.

And then, he passive aggressively attacks every other reality dating show out there with the assertion that they’re “bullshit”, and his show is very real. And emotional. He loved Gopher and he loved Penty, but in the end, Gopher didn’t express it and Penty did. So that’s what it came down to? I picked you because the other ho stuttered? I am having doubts.

And then it’s time for the big question of the night…what about the engagement ring? Well, let me tell you. That engagement ring was a pawn in the preview game. They showed it all week to get people to watch, even thought at one point in Bret’s decision making beach walk, he didn’t think he wanted either ho. But his show is real. Don’t forget about that.

They rehash the non-proposal, and Penty says she would have married him that night. But now…”that’s a hard question to answer.” Time has passed, she hasn’t seen Bret, she’s had to deal with all these feelings on her own. You know, whatever opens the door to Season Four. There are guest appearances to be won, you know. Pays to be a team player.

And speaking of supporting the franchise, Penty throws one more bone over to Gopher and tells her that “at least you got closure”. Which is all it takes to completely set Gopher off. “What closure do I have, Taya?” she screeches hysterically. Ummm, the closure you got when when he dumped you? There was no question of what was going to happen after the show aired, right? He flat out said the ring wasn’t for you, sweetie. Silly Gophy. I love watching this sorry ho lose it.

And Butch is fun to watch, too.

Penty tries to explain that she’s not saying that Gopher isn’t still hurting, but it doesn’t matter, Gopher just sits there and seethes. Exec producer Bret steers the topic back to his alleged Rock of Love, and how he thinks now they need to date in the real world and see where it goes. I have to say, even thought Penty was my pick, and I think she’s good for him, they seem very, very distant. Which I’m taking to mean contract negotiations for Season Four are well under way.

And on that note, we’re done. If you miss my dirty talk, follow me around and I’ll see you when TV gets trashy enough for me again…kisses, sexy dolls.