Rock of Love: Bringin’ In the Trash

Alright dolls, this is it – Rock of Love 2! Does anyone else love the logo with the double swords through the heart? Clever! The big news at first is Bret’s got new hair! He’s traded in the straggly mess he borrowed from Ashlee Simpson, and now he’s got smooth, silky locks that he stole from Barbie. He’s pretty. So, who’s ready to rock?

Rock Out With Your Cock Out Barbie

Bret cruises around LA in a Ferrari while his voice over reminds us of how rich and famous he already is, and this is where I wonder if already things are going to be different. No more tacky yellow taxi cab Harley. What do we make of this? The editors grab a quick cup of coffee while they play the same stock montage they used last year – Bret spinning the microphone around, Bret doing a jump split in mid-air, Bret hopping backwards in sync with his bass player…you know, the usual.

He’s toured all over the world, sold 25 million records, hung out with some of the sexiest women in the world, blah, blah, blah, but he needs to find the one woman to compete with his one true love…rock and roll, the bitch goddess. Last season she was the INSATIABLE bitch goddess. Someone’s off script. Either that, or rock and roll’s getting lazy.

We get a tiny recap of One S Jes bullshitting her way out of Bret’s heart, as Flasher Heather looks on. He was really happy that VH1 asked him to help drag their franchise out a little longer, or in his words, “try one more time”. As always, he tells us, he’s got his Head of Security / Discarded Ho Hoover-er, Big John, with him. We see BJ pushing a wheelbarrow full of beer, schlepping a 48 pack roll of toilet paper up the stairs, and taking the stripper pole for a spin. Dream jobs…hard to find.

Screw ITT Technical Institute, I’m goin’ to Hollywood, baby!

Bret pulls up to the house in the fabulous (rented) Ferrari. Here’s where he’s at in his life, he tells us. He’s forty years ol- OK, let’s just stop right there. There is no way Bret’s forty. I remember my first Poison concert (yes, there was more than one) when I was age – OK, let’s just say there’s no way he’s forty. He’s at least forty-five. Someone please Google this and get back to me.

But regardless, if The Ego wants to be forty, whatevs. He’s been engaged a few times, but never married. He’s always on the road and works really hard (lyrics like “unskinny bop, all night and day” don’t sell themselves, you know), and he admits it’s hard to be his girlfriend. Well, yeah, it’s tough competing with that sixteenth minute of second wind reality show fame.

So, he concludes, this girl must be pretty special. And cut to…THE HOS!

It’s like a Debutante Ball.

The first one tells us in her super sexy voice she’s drawn to Bret like a “nun to a convent”. She’s already in love with Bret, and once he sees her he’ll be in love with her too. But not if Ho #2 can help it. She tells us always gets what she wants.

Oh, so you wanted to get rode over by an ’86 Camaro, swallow a bunch of gravel, throw on some cheap tin foil jewelry and then come on TV? Interesting choice.

There’s a Russian girl, who most likely at some point was a Russian man, who wants to “fuck Bret, then make love to him.” Then, there’s a bisexual girl who’s taken the time to pair a ton of lavender makeup with a lavender tank top – she says if she’s not getting it from Bret, she’ll find some hot girl to make out with. Not in that house she won’t.

And at that, Bret comes cruising through the gates in the hot car! The hos go nuts, and the first of way too many ridiculously named girls named Ambre (that right, AmbRE), tells us how it takes her breath away to see him in real life. Ambre looks a little cross eyed, and sounds like a Midwestern soccer mom. So rather than ponder why AmbER would be spelled AmbRE, I’m just going to christen her…

Cross Eyed Soccer Mom

Bret grins, saunters up to the house and tells us how blown away he is over all these beautiful women! Clearly, Bret started drinking early that day. Although the editors do manage to get some shots of the few semi-attractive ones. He explains that last year, there was a lot of “rock of like”, a ton of “rock of lust”, but not a lot of “rock of love”. I so admire Bret’s continual usage of the “Rock Of” prefix – excellent branding! Will it be this season’s “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”?

He’s looking for the same thing he’s always been looking for – physical attraction, chemistry, connection, smart, sexy, funny, the “whole ball of wax, so to speak”. Yay, cliché! There’s only one way he knows how to find true love, he continues, and that’s to get naked and party! Does that just scream “smart girls, right this way” or what?

He introduces Big John, who reminds them of the rules – don’t enter Bret’s room without permission, be nice to the guitars and don’t puke in the hot tub. The skanks laugh nervously, cause we all remember what happened the last time BJ met the whole coochie caravan outside – the top four uglies got sent home (‘cept Clown Whore Tiff, cause she clawed her way back in. I can only pray for that level of disaster here in Season Two). But Rock of Love is a work of production genius. I don’t see them being so predictable and doing the same thing twice.

This time, whoever is best at Sudoku gets to come inside.

So they bait us a bit longer. This time, Bret tells them he wants ALL the decisions of who stays and who goes to be his. And then he points to four of them. The first is a light-skinned black girl with an incredibly blank look on her face and a haircut reminiscent of Janet Jackson circa the What Have You Done For Me Lately video. The second rocks an over-moussed wet dog ‘do along with cat-lady style plastic surgery. The third is the bisexual one, the wrongly spelled Destiney. And last is the nun to a convent one. I can already tell she’s going to a) annoy the hell out of me, and b) not going to be sent home any time soon. Mark my words.

The four chosen hos are predictably shocked that they have been picked. The rest go streaming into the house to start the party! A really scary looking skank in a pink mini skirt and a French accent tells us she wants to “have sex with Bret in zis pool”. A girl named Korie, who looks and sounds like a total bore, must know this about herself, cause she “immediately starts pouring drinks”. The hos toast to having gotten past the front door.

Which brings us to the hos still outside the front door. There’s sad music. Eh, I’m still not buyin’ it. I think it’s a fake out. And…it is! BJ tells them that they’re Bret’s VIPs! Cat Lady, whose name is Daisy, is ecstatic. Bisexual Destiney can’t wait for those other bitches already in the house to see her face again.

They are led upstairs to the special VIP suite, where they’re bestowed with champagne and presents; stuff she’s used to, says the “nun to the convent” one, whose name is Megan, loftily. Please. The already-in-the-house hos are not happy at this turn of events, and one of them with at least five different kinds of platinum blonde weave sloppily held in place with black bobby pins tells them all it’s time to “step up your game, bitches”. Yes, bitches. Please do so. Immediately, if not sooner.

I always knew Janis was a ho.

Upstairs, the VIP hos are unpacking their gift bags full of fabulous goodies, such as sweatpants with winged hearts silk-screened on the butt. Bisexual Destiney can’t wait to get on the stripper pole – she made a special trip to Hollywood Blvd. to buy some stripper shoes. Special trip my ass, you made a special trip off your corner into the Payless, sweetheart.

Destiney’s not so hot on the stripper pole, and she’s got a saggy ass. The scary looking French one named Angelique provides some comic relief on the pole as she awkwardly, yet very enthusiastically, slides down it upside down. Scary Frenchy is my favorite so far! Aubry, who looks like an uglier version of Bret – complete with bandana, says in her interview that she’s offended by Scary’s display.

Right back at ya.

Big John gathers the skanks into what he calls the “for-yay” – dude, if you can’t pronounce it, just call it the hallway – for photo time! Just like last season, Bret’s the photographer. Cat Lady Daisy tells us she’s ready to be a “sex ki-en”. Say your letter T’s girl, that’s one speech impediment that irriTaTaTes the shiT ouT of me.

The Ego descends the stairs in his fave pose, arms up in self-praise. He tells the girls to give what they’ve got! He loves taking pictures of the girls, cause through the lens he gets to see how they really are. Liar, you love taking pictures cause they all watched last season and you know they’re all gonna tongue you after you snap ‘em.

First up is yet another one with retarded spelling, Jackye. She says she’s “never done this before”, which to his credit, Bret calls her on immediately. Two seconds later, she takes her first photo with her boobs smooshed together, and her second photo facing backwards with her skirt hiked over her ass. Yeah, she’s a newbie alright.

Next is Jessica, who because she’s wearing jean shorts and boots gets branded the “Innocent Farmgirl” by Bret, and she’s actually one of the pretty ones. She has very nice hair that may possibly be real. Then comes the second token black girl named Roxy -she’s not so unfortunate looking either, although I’d like to burn those pink streaks right out of her hair.

Ethnic looking Sara is another one of the pretty ones, and then there’s Catherine, who’s gonna be my Grandma 2.0 (I still miss Grandma Rodeo, if someone would just put together a Surreal Life with her and Cowhutta’s Grandpa Mountain from the Real World Sydney, I’d be so thrilled) who I can’t describe physically, cause all I see is Cousin It-like bangs.

Bret’s encouraging the skanks to “rock his world”, but he’s getting nervous cause once Jackye left the room, the next few seemed a little reserved for him. No one flashed him or sucked his lips off. And then comes Scary Frenchy, Angelique. She whips off her cheap pink halter to reveal a pink old lady bra, and then proceeds to lift the old lady bra up to give Bret the view he’s been waiting for! Told you this was the ho to watch!

Way to keep him guessing, France.

Manly Aubry with the bandana says that Frenchy looked like “a blowfish on acid”. Sooooo not the one to be throwing stones, babe. But Bret’s really happy about Frenchy’s striptease, cause it “ups the ante” for the rest of them. He looks at her like a trailblazer, the Lewis (right boob) and Clark (left boob) of the group. Undaunted courage, indeed.

Cat Lady Daisy and her sideways trucker hat are next, and then comes the one who got run over by the Camaro, whose name is Peyton. She’s taken a cue from last season’s Flasher Heather, and is nearly blinding me with a pair of hot pink, zebra-striped pants. Oh well, it was an almost-winning ensemble for Flasher. If Peyton’s got a trunk full of spangly stripper gowns, we could be in business with this one. She poses on the floor with a move that could best be described as The Worm, with her tongue hanging out.

Bisexual Destiney doesn’t do anything exciting for her photo op. International Male Inna, the Russian one, steals the show with a split for her pose. Bret loves it. Next to wrapping your legs around your head, I can’t think of a better pose. Did I mention Bret loves it? Penis stub or not, this ho’s gonna be sticking around.

Thank God that floor’s not tile, this girl would have been stuck.

Courtney, a chubby one with really bad teeth, half-heartedly sucks on her finger. Bret just thinks she looks uncomfortable. It’s OK when a girl’s shy, he says, but he’s bothered by her lack of confidence.

Another one who lacks confidence is Ashley, who’s chest is flat as a pancake. But rather than work her mosquito bites, she immediately points out to Bret that she’s self-conscious after all those double D’s. Bret’s understanding about it, but let’s face it, you gotta be secure to be shameless, so I don’t see this chick lasting too long.

Next is Missi, who makes up for her huge nose and shiny, spandex dress with a confident pose. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre looks, well, like a cross eyed soccer mom. In a slutty outfit, of course. Niki (pronounced like “Tiki”, I wonder?) is head to toe K-Mart, from her cheap, platinum on top, black on the bottom hair-do (and I despise that look to start with, but this one isn’t even executed well) down to her cheap white satin shirt and ill-applied orange spray on tan.

It turns out the one with the eighty million different platinum weaves and Manly Aubry with the bandana in the interview are one and the same, and she has a full blown make out with Bret after her picture is taken. None of the other girls are too happy to see this. And then comes Megan, who I admit has a totally rocking body, but a face only a…well, only a short rock star who only comes up to her boobs so he doesn’t have to look at it could love.

Butterface Megan, welcome to my TV!

Kristy Joe is next, and she’s one of the finest looking women Bret’s ever laid eyes on. He immediately goes to kiss her, but she stops him from about a foot away, tells him she’s a “germaphobic” and wipes his mouth! Now, I don’t blame her, cause those skanks are so repulsive I’m a little tempted to Clorox my television screen, but come on! I’m offended for The Ego. That’s just rude.

But we all know Bret likes a challenge, so he rolls with it and directs her to pose, “however you feel like…what do you feel like?” “What do you feel like?” she very creatively counters back. He feels like a dude who just got wiped down when he tried to kiss you, Germy! Seriously, someone needs to be righteously indignant here, and Bret’s too nice to do it. Mrs. Clean finally deigns to lift her boring black, knee length dress up like an eighth of an inch to show a tiny patch of leg. Bring Scary Frenchy back!

But Bret senses Germy Joe is “an absolute tiger”. Wishful thinking, but not a bad way to play it, Germy. Cold as ice won One S the big prize last season. And finally, we have the last of the VIPs, Erin with the Control-era hairdo. She just encompasses rock and roll to me, Bret explains to us. Mainly because she did her pose with one of the guitars. Which I’m sure wasn’t even her idea, cause we all know you DO NOT touch the guitars without explicit permission.

Bret calls the photo shoot “awesome” about five times, and then he’s ready to go party! They need to jump out and do something to catch his eye, he says. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I love this about Bret – no sappy “I wish I had time for all of you” pretenses. If you want his ate up rocker ass, you better either stick your tongue in his mouth or your breasts in his face, otherwise you’re on the first train outta Slag City.

Obviously Butterface is in.

Things are already getting a little crazy outside, as International Male Inna does a perfect dive into the pool. A former Soviet Mens Swimming Champ? Those Russians do tend to dominate the Olympic sports. Bret heads outside, and now I’m really starting to get nervous. He’s wearing trendy True Religion brand jeans. Please don’t tell me he has taken my advice and gotten a stylist to bring him out of 1989. I know it’s all I begged for last season, but I didn’t mean it. If there’s no animal printed pleather, I will absolutely die. Although, his ass does look totally fucking adorable. What? Teenage crushes die hard.

One of the bonuses of being a VIP, is they get uninterrupted alone time with our bachelor! First up, and not at all humble about it, is Butterface Megan. “I have a huuuuuge modeling career,” she tells us. What’s next, you can’t find true love because you’re too damn beautiful? Well, close. Butterface has a great family and friends, she’s just looking for someone to share it with. Then they make out.

She was drunk making out with him, Butterface informs us, but she thinks she had a good time. I loved kissing her face, Bret adds. Sure, when you’re kissing it, you don’t have look at it. “I love Bret Michaels! Me and him foreeeeeeever!” she simpers as annoyingly as possible.

Next up for private VIP time is Bisexual Destiney. “Bret is so hawwwwwt, and I want to rub my hands all over him!” is her battle cry! She has a present for him tucked into her shirt. It’s a bandana! You know, that was actually thoughtful. She supports covering up the weave tracks, and that’s important in a balding rocker’s girl.

I also brought you platform shoes and pancake foundation, but I left in in the car.

He needs to know stuff about her, he tells her, but all she can do is giggle. “I had your posters plastered on my bedroom wall,” she chirps. Me too honey, but then I went to college and got a life. Although considering part of my “life” is writing shit about her, well maybe I’m a bad example. Anyway, Bi Destiney tells us she’s not the “psycho fan” – well, why not be? Worked for Psycho Rocker Lacey last year. If it ain’t broke, you know.

You can tell Bret’s completely annoyed by what he calls her “cackling laugh”. I think I catch some eye rolls. But, as he says, her “heaving breasts” make up for it, so he kisses her to shut her the hell up. Kissing’s a great tool – effective at fighting squishy faces and shutting up annoying laughs.

Cat Lady Daisy is up next. “Hello beautiful girl,” Bret greets her. Beautiful girl? He doesn’t seem drunk. “Kissing is very impor-ant to me,” Cat Lady replies. OK, she’s totally creepy looking, and her inability to enunciate is irritating as hell, but I like this one. There’s something kind of cute about her. She demonstrates fireworks by going “poof, poof!” with her botoxed/restalyned lips. She feels an instant connection. And then of course, Bret kisses her.

After Cat Lady Daisy’s turn, International Male Inna comes running out of the pool and jumps all over Bret. It’s not that ho’s turn, but she doesn’t care! Love her/him! And then it’s bland Erin with the Janet Jackson hairdo’s turn. “Hello beautiful girl!” he repeats, then apologizes for International Inna – “I can’t help the crazy ones,” he says. Please don’t apologize for that nutty Russian ho, she’s ratings gold!

Sorry, but you gotta get Big John’s “permission” first.

Erin says he’s a rock star and she loves rock stars. She says he’ll be attracted to her personality and charisma. I hate how she talks. She sounds like a lobotomized Valley girl. But Bret seems oddly interested in her. Weird.

And then…she starts talking about Myspace. Now, I was never into that Myspace shit (although my friend Loca did make me an account once cause that’s the only way she communicates – I retaliated by giving her my old Blackberry. But if you ever want to find me, I think I’m Barbie Wishes She Was Me. I have one friend besides Loca. It’s Tom.) but isn’t Facebook now the rage? When you’re done Googling Bret’s real age, someone let me know.

I’m interested in your personalities.

Erin tells him she knows this is going to sound silly, but…no, nothing’s silly, Bret assures her. Man Ho, you have spoken too soon. Because the next words out of her mouth are, “Like, there’s so many things going on in the world, and a lot of them I learned about through Myspace, like, so yeah, so I don’t know.” Bret deserves a medal for not laughing in this brain dead Janet wannabe’s face, although he does admit to pretty much nodding off. Come on VH1, was this really the best you could do? It’s hard to even make fun of someone so mind numbingly stupid. But, Bret thinks she’s hot.

And then it’s time for the rest of the skanks to play with Bret – and Big John tells them they only have ONE HOUR! One hour? Are people going to be wasted enough for me to ridicule in one hour? Scary Frenchy immediately starts making out with him, while Missi the Nose makes very mature retching noises nearby. Quit fake barfing and get in there, Nose.

They all agree it was a “French Kiss”. Then Rode Hard Peyton goes in for what she calls the “Southern Kiss”. She’s another one I’m putting my money on by the way, those pants are going to take her places.

The girls bombard him, but it’s OK cause according to Bret, that’s one of the things you learn in Rock and Roll 101, the prerequisite to STDs 202. Token Roxy drags Bret over to a chair, curls up on his lap, bats her three sets of fake eyelashes at him and tells him all she wants is just the chance to get to know him. Well played, Sister Girl. She barely gets the words out of her mouth when the rest of the hos jump on his lap too.

Cross Eyed Soccer Mom condescendingly notes, “all the tongues, all at one time…it’s like, gnarly, dude.” Step off, CESM, no one believes you’ve got a surfboard strapped to the top of your mini-van. She rallies the girls clustered around her, including Chubby Courtney and K-Mart Niki, to “walk over there together…but we do need to put our face in front of him. So let’s do it as a team!” Honey, unless your “team” strategy includes everyone getting naked, you’ve so got the wrong idea here. You know who has the right idea? International Inna and Token Roxy who kiss while Cross Eyed Soccer Mom tells us she’s “not afraid to take a chance”.

The Real Ho Wives of Orange County

Also having the right idea, while CESM is busy not being afraid to take a chance, is Catherine Granny 2.0. She drags Bret to a corner and right off tells him she’s 45! Ah, another groupie from the Look What The Cat Dragged In days. So upfront – loves it! The bangs are a little confusing. They start from the exact center of the top of her head and feather all over the place. I have no idea where on earth this might be fashionable.

Granny 2.0 immediately tells him she has twin sixteen year old boys – looking for that parental connection, and he totally buys it, starts talking about his kids too. Granny is totally calm, and seems very together. She didn’t get into the stripper lap party, she didn’t stand off with the co-dependent CESM group, she waited for her moment, and coolly walked off with him.

That Loretta Lynn will do anything for a little publicity.

I like this one! Bret does too. When Scary Frenchy comes over to steal him away (although, she is polite about it, she apologizes for interrupting before draping herself all over him – Clown Whore would have never done that), he actually tells her to hold on so he can finish his moment with Granny. Although, he does say that he likes how needy Scary Frenchy is of his time. It’s, of course, a turn on.

Granny 2.0 does lose some points in the end though, when she parts by telling him, “you need me.” Play it cool, Granny, just play it cool. Now, Bret’s being dragged off by International Inna and Scary Frenchy, two of my faves so far! Manly Aubrey asks the cluster of prudes including Farmgirl Jessica, Missi the Nose and their fearless, Lysol-wielding leader, Germy Joe, if they plan on talking to him. “Of course!” they all reply, but one of them pipes in that she’s “not going to compete with a thong.” Well, compete with the thong or get in a thong, honey. Either way, standing around with a Wet Nap all night ain’t gonna get you backstage.

A view of your ovaries might help.

Missi the Nose is asked if she had a chance to talk to Bret yet. “Yeah, like I said ‘hey’ and gave him a kiss on the cheek,” she casually replies. The editors fast rewind back to when Granny 2.0 was walking around with him – Missi the Nose passed by them with a “hi honey” and a hug. Way to assert yourself there, Nose. But it’s all good, she thinks they “might” have had a connection.

International Male Inna, who’s been prancing around in her bra and panties since the party started, climbs onto Bret tells and tells him that she just wants someone to love her, while Manly Aubrey, Missi the Nose and Germy Joe continue to debate whether or not to go over and talk to him. I wonder if Cross Eyed Soccer Mom has given up at this point. As Bret walks off with yet another group of girls who actually get it, The Nose and Germy follow, and as the others go in the house, the door literally slams in their face. Loves it!

In the house, Misspelled Jackye is telling Bret that she’s the one, and he likes her – she’s a hot Italian, he says. K-Mart Niki is dealt the “no connection” card… until she tells him that “sex is everything to me.” That, according to Bret, hits the bulls-eye.

She just looks like she smells good, doesn’t she?

Meanwhile, Chubby Courtney is outside being very drunk and very insecure. She calls herself fat and ugly. Then just call it a night, honey. You’re never gonna land him with that attitude. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom carries on and on in her interview about how she has to get to Bret, but in the moment, she’s only worried about her drunk, chubby, insecure best friend who she just met five minutes ago. Get some priorities, hausfrau. Then get me some Corn Flakes from your daily grocery run. This recap’s taking me ’til nearly dawn and it’s almost time for breakfast.

Drunk n’ Chubby lolls around on a lounge chair while the rest of the hos skank up the hot tub. She mumbles “be a slut” at them. Well, yeah. Be a slut, or be gone. This one’s got loser written all over her. Someone’s gonna lose their job over this casting choice.

And then FINALLY it’s time for Germy Joe and Missi the Nose! They head inside with Bret, and Germy tells us that she hopes because she didn’t take off her shirt, he’s still into her. Doubtful. And sure enough, the minute they get inside, he walks away to “use the bathroom”, and runs into Jackye who’s working it on the pole. He’s completely sucked in.

You better hope Brett does.

Back on the super fun sofa, Germy and The Nose are having a yawn inducing conversation about horses. They both love horses. You know what I love? Drunken sluts on my reality shows. So get on it, bitches. Even I’m losing patience here. Lucky for all of us, Big John’s there to keep Bret on track, and drags him away from the pole and back to the party on the sofa. When he finally gets back to Germy and The Nose, Germy immediately takes him to task for being gone so long. “That was the longest piss ever,” she scolds him. I’m surprised she didn’t ask him if he washed his hands.

But there’s something about her cold personality that makes Bret want to know more. I’m telling you, he likes the challenge. And Germy is very pretty, if completely frigid. He spends about three more seconds with these two dullards, and then excuses himself again. “Thanks for taking the time to talk to us,” says The Nose pleasantly. First of all, it’s not an interview for a temporary receptionist job. Second of all, what is this “us” crap? It’s every ho for herself, hon. The Nose kisses him goodbye, and it’s obvious he couldn’t care less about this one. Germy, however, keeps his interest by refusing to get anywhere near his mouth.

Something tells me she won’t be shaking The Nose’s hand.

And then it’s time for the last group of shy girls. Farmgirl Jessica has a shot, cause she’s pretty and also savvy enough to lean over Cross Eyed Soccer Mom and make out with him. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is appalled. Just go back to Duluth already. But don’t forget my Corn Flakes, bitch. It’s nearly lights out.

When Bret excuses himself again telling them he’ll be right back, Soccer Mom overcompensates with an overly enthusiastic “for sure, for sure”. Bret does a quick mental rundown of all the girls, and he’s sure he’s met everyone but…then we cut to Drunk n’ Chubby Courtney passed out on a couch. “Sweetheart, wake up!” Big John booms, as he tries to shake some life into her. No luck though. Eh, best to let a sleeping skank lie.

Before we know it, it’s time to get ready for eliminations! Bisexual Destiney isn’t worried, cause she’s VIP. Drunk n’ Chubby is wondering if she’s ugly or needs to go home. Sad. But, both. Ethnic Sara, who I don’t recall seeing at all, but she’s pretty, so I predict she’ll stay, is trying to help her, but Drunk n’ Chubby keeps falling down.

If only he could see this side of you.

Janet Jackson Erin is “on top of the world”. Cat Lady Daisy is feeling confident too, but she knows that being VIP doesn’t make her safe. Misspelled Jackye is so nervous her stomach hurts. A couple of the girls continue to try to help Drunk n’ Chubby out, but it’s a lost cause.

And then, it’s elimination time! Bret comes out of his fake bedroom and now I’m literally starting to palpitate. He’s wearing understated black pants, button down shirt and sport coat. He’s even got on a black bandana. He looks good. I hate it. Where’s the snakeskin? The red pleather? I know I asked for this, but I take it back! I take it all back! Please, please, please bring back the late eighties stage gear. Just because it personally offends me doesn’t mean the recap needs to suffer!

First off, Bret notices that someone’s missing. Although, he has no idea who. And then, thanks to some clever editing, we hear a “THUMP” as Drunk n’ Chubby falls out of bed. Big John informs Bret that he doesn’t think Courtney’s going to make it.

Leave Britney alooooooone!!!!

For the first pass, Bret calls Butterface Megan. Actually, she’s really not that ugly, but I’ve already committed to the name. “Me and Braaaat were maaaaade for each other,” she says smugly. He thinks she’s tall, hot and sexy. She’s going to stay and irritate me ’til the bitter end. I know it.

International Male Inna is annoyed by Butterface as well. “She thinks she’s cute and sexy, I just want to slap the crap out of her,” she says. Here’s hoping! Cat Lady Daisy gets pass number two – he wants her to be his “sex kitten”. Don’t you mean sex “ki-en”? Whatever, there’s still something likeable about her.

Bisexual Destiney is called next, and Butterface tells us “VIP girls are all staying!” Uh, not all of you. Janet Jackson Erin is still a VIP without a backstage pass, and she’s starting to look pissed off and nervous. I am a little surprised that someone so dumb can figure out how to convey emotion.

He says he has something in common with Manly Aubry, so she’s next. Rode Hard Peyton gets the next pass after, and sure enough, he compliments the pink, zebra-striped pants. So, perhaps there’s hope for some of Bret’s signature wardrobe choices yet!

But is there hope for Grandma 2.0?

International Male Inna gets a pass, followed by Token Roxy, Farmgirl Jessica, Boring Korie, and Ethnic Sara. “I just like this person,” he says about Catherine Granny 2.0, so she’s next. Janet Jackson is looking more and more annoyed. With each brief description of the girl he’s calling down – we have things in common, I think she’s hot, I just like her – she thinks he’s talking about her and gives a big, smug smile…only to keep getting dissed. Dumb, conceited reality show girls, you rock in your own, special way.

Germy Joe gets a pass, and makes a totally rude comment about making him use mouthwash. Butterface Megan determines that Germy “obviously isn’t here for Bret.” K-Mart Niki gets a pass for having a “punk thing”. Scary Frenchy gets a pass because Bret “felt a spiritual connection when you took your shirt off.” Cat Lady Daisy is not happy about this choice.

Penny for your thoughts.

And then we’re down to the last pass. It’s either Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, Janet Jackson Erin, Missi the Nose, Misspelled Jackye or Mosquito Bites Ashley, who tells us she’s just standing there, holding her ass cheeks together. Let them go sweetie, it may improve your chances. Janet Jackson says she’s still not worried.

And the last pass goes to…Misspelled Jackye! Janet Jackson is shocked. But…there’s a problem! Jackye’s scared and nervous and she has bad anxiety! She doesn’t know if she wants to stay! Bret tells her that if she has doubts, she should let another girl have a chance. And so, Jackye decides to go home!

Bret acts like he’s not bothered. “Your honesty is awesome,” he tells her, but as soon as she’s out the door, he tosses the Jackye’s unused pass across the floor. You do not cross The Ego.

The remaining girls all want the last pass. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom says she wants it soooo bad. How bad did you want it when you were forgoing time with him to nurse Drunk n’ Chubby through her whiskey haze? But in the end, Cross Eyed Soccer Mom gets the last pass. I’m not totally upset. She’s good material.

Way to keep your cool, mom.

They make their ho toast with top quality Bret Brew, fresh from Big John’s wheelbarrow, no doubt, and Bret tells them to let Drunk n’ Chubby know that her tour ended while she was passed out. I wonder if she’ll pull a Clown Whore and beg to stay when she wakes up? I could get on board with that.

And that’s it! First episode down! And a few skanks too, I’m sure. Bret works fast, you know. I didn’t realize how much I missed this drunken whorefest ’til I stayed up all night recapping it. Oh well, rock and roll, dolls! See ya next time!