Rock of Love

Well, ChickBomb was a naughty, naughty girl this week. That may work in Bret’s world, but in the ‘Gasm, it’s not cool. No excuses, let’s just strap into our assless, leopard print chaps and dive into this week’s – well, last week’s – installment of the classiest hour on TV, Rock Of Love!

First of all, I have to say, this episode was a big disappointment. These girls are not acting nearly slutty, drunk or crazy enough to entertain me. Scary Frenchy and International Male Inna come the closest, but they’re also kind of sweethearts, and we know they’re not hot enough for Bret to pick in the end. Also, Bret kind of seemed like he was just there for the paycheck this week. Sophomore slump? I’m definitely a little concerned, but I’ve got faith that the sleaze will somehow ooze its way through.

Anyway, we open with the morning after…and the first thing we need to do is take care of a little business. One of our lovely contestants, Drunk N’ Chubby Courtney, proved just how important Bret was to her by passing out for eliminations, and it is now up to one of remaining hos to tell her that her tour is over. It falls to Rode Hard Peyton, who actually looks rode softer in the light of day then she did the night before – maybe it’s her glasses that make her palatable, I don’t know.

Anyway, Drunk N’ Chubby wakes up looking like hell and wondering what happened. She is genuinely surprised that there was elimination and she missed it. She throws a zebra striped blanket (from the Bret Michaels Home Collection) over her head, and says it sucks, because she came with the full intention of falling in love. Then she tells us she’s a sweet girl…a caring girl…but also a blackout drunk girl. And if that’s not what he wants, she concludes, then maybe he’s better off. Well yeah, I mean sweet and caring are nice and all, but you gotta be sober to fuck him. Priorities, doll.

And with another ho down, it’s time to get to know a little about the hos we have left. Ethnic Sara opens up a whole world of trouble by casually mentioning to the group that her family doesn’t know she’s there, and her friends didn’t believe she would actually join the Skank Bank. They dared her to go through with it. Did she learn nothing from last season’s Hooters Erin’s “I just broke up with my fiancé” admission? She may as well have painted a target on her back. I also notice while Sara is telling this story, she is applying Chanel make up. And that’s how I know she’s history. This is strictly a drugstore shopping, Wet n’ Wild kind of crowd.

International Male Inna hears this news about Sara, and decides Bret must be informed. But she doesn’t want to do it herself, so she passes the intel on to Manly Aubrey who she has already pegged as having a big mouth. This is one smart Russian. I’m keeping my eye on her. Cause sure enough, three seconds after Manly finds out the scoop, she’s outside and tattling. Ladies and gentlemen, playing the role of “Lacey” this season, will be Manly Aubrey.

“Give me a list of things you’re looking for,” Manly instructs Bret, but before he can answer, she does it for him. “Sincerity and honesty,” she says. Um, I’m sorry Manly, unless we’ve accidentally stumbled onto The Bachelor here, I’m thinking…not. “Physical attraction and chemistry,” Bret corrects her. Duh.

But Manly is not deterred. She plows forward with the news that Sara is here on a dare. And The Ego takes it remarkably well. He thinks that perhaps it is a good thing, because the relationship will form by accident. I don’t get it, and I don’t buy it either, but I’m happy to hear Manly’s tattling get shot down.

“I’m here for you,” Manly reminds him. Yeah hon, we could tell by the single white female look. Really, she looks just like him, only uglier and less botoxed. And as I suspected, Bret is not fooled. He’s no dummy, and he may have learned a thing or two from Lacey and her herpes. He tells us he thinks ratting out Sara may be Manly’s strategy, so he’s gonna think it out. Choosing the winning skank requires intense strategy and contemplation, you know.

Back in the house, Muppet Daisy spies a box of props, and K-Mart Niki deduces it’s a talent show. Bisexual Destiney starts practicing her kung-fu. You’re not trying to catch a lesbian here, honey. Ethnic Sara thinks she should try belly dancing although she’s never done it before. Scary Frenchy Angelique bakes him a cake. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre brags of her gift wrapping talent, no doubt picked up from her part-time job at Penny’s, and decides to wrap and unwrap herself. Niki’s writing a poem, and boasts that she knows it’s cheesy, but she’s good at cheesy. Unless the cheesy she’s referring to involves squirting Cheez-Wiz on her naked breasts, I just don’t see it working out for her.

When the ho herd heads down to the living room for the big event, there’s a sign that says Classy Girls. Obviously there’s a production assistant with a sense of humor. And then we find out, this isn’t just any talent show, it’s a peep show talent show! Each ho has thirty seconds to perform, and if Bret likes what he sees, he can add a token for an additional fifteen seconds. The three best shows win a group date. Bret thinks it’s going to be intense. Peyton’s worried about timing out chord progressions on her song. She needs to be more worried about how to position her guitar so Bret can still see her boobs. Germy Joe’s so nervous she fears she might throw up. Not so worried about germs when it’s Big John that’s got to clean it up, huh sweetheart?

As a reward for being a tattletale, Manly’s up first. Bret’s doing a half-assed job of pretending to be excited about the whole thing. The curtain goes up, and Manly plays drums for about three seconds before she messes up and stops. She can’t get back into the groove, and Bret declares, “No token for you!” Next up is Bisexual Destiney. Contrary to my prediction, Bret loves her kung-fu routine. It’s a turn on?!?! She gets a token.

Next up is K-Mart Niki with her poem. Roses are red, violets are blue, bargain bin whore, he’ll never want you. See, I’m a cheesy poet too! Boring Korie writes “Merry Me” on a poster board. Even Bret notices that it’s misspelled. Stick to pouring drinks, doll. When the guy who made up the word “unskinny” is calling you out on grammatical errors, it’s really time to pack it in.

Germy Joe does a seductive thing with an ironing board, and Bret likes it, but what is with these girls? It’s a damn peep show and no one’s gonna strip down for him? I am so missing Flasher right now. Scary Frenchy agrees, telling everyone to “Stop ironing and start stripping!” It seems like Germy Joe gets a clue, cause when Bret gives her another fifteen seconds, she rips off her shirt. Just down to the bra though. Didn’t she say last week that she was in Playboy? Stop playing prude. But, of course, for Bret, ironing is a turn on. Actually, I don’t think that’s indigenous to Bret. I’ve performed housework in lingerie to excellent results.

Butterface Megan puts three thongs in a hat, and comes out with an American flag. Ethnic Sara shakes her ass in a belly dance, but Bret points out that there’s no belly. “No effort,” he decrees. International Inna ties a cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. Farmgirl Jessica scoffs that she could have done that with her toes. So not the point, babe. Farmgirl’s the one who tried to get through eliminations last week by keeping her ass cheeks closed, by way. Farmgirl clearly doesn’t get it.

For all her boasting, Cross Eyed Soccer Mom hasn’t even done an impressive job wrapping herself up. No fancy bow or anything. She gets on the floor at the end of her thirty seconds, and Bret gives her another token. Instead of taking the opportunity to use her extra time to get naked, she squeals that she doesn’t know what to do. Maybe she strips down to her Hanes Her Way bra. I don’t remember.

Muppet Daisy sings a song in a dress borrowed from Flasher’s closet. Rode Hard Peyton, I will admit, does rock out, although this one just screams “friend” to me. But Bret gives her some extra time. And then comes Scary Frenchy, who I’m starting to think is the only one who came to play. She strips and displays her cake, made with love and diet sugar, cause Bret’s diabetic, you know. Actually, you might not know. Unlike last year, he has neglected to throw that into every other sentence. Then she pounds on the glass and licks chocolate mousse off her breasts. Bret claims a “spiritual connection.” I don’t know about that, but I know this is definitely Bret’s kind of girl.

And then the show’s done. If I’m disappointed, I can only imagine how Bret feels. Last season’s hos outskank these hos by a mile. I mean that as an enormous compliment. The winners of the peep show talent show are Rode Hard, Muppet and…Cross Eyed Soccer Mom? What the hell? She had no talent and didn’t even get naked! Frenchy was robbed! But for some reason, Bret found CESM “sexy and original”.

When he dismisses his slags, he specifically tells them not to go to bed early, cause he’s ready to have a good time tonight! Last season’s hos would have stripped down and headed straight to his room for orgy time, but this season’s lame-o’s talk about what a long day they had and decide to go to bed early so they can be well rested.

The hos who can manage to keep their eyes open after a loooong day of inventing a boring “talent” and then performing for thirty seconds make it downstairs to hang out with Bret. But it’s not the party he thought it was going to be. It’s more of a campfire thing, with Bret playing The Song. Hey, if he’s not gonna have a four way, may as well get a little royalty cash out of the deal. International Inna can’t believe that the VIP girls are passed out. And The Ego’s pissed. He decides that the next day, there must be an “old school dance competition” to determine VIP status, and instructs his campfire hos to tell his VIP hos how disappointed he is in them. They gladly oblige.

When told of the dance off, the VIPs aren’t any happier than Bret. Muppet is confused, and says something about a square dance, then says he can kiss her furry, felt ass. “Dance off? Excuse me, what year is it?” asks Bisexual snottily. Does it matter? Bret still thinks it’s ’89, and it’s his show, so you better just go with it.

The next morning, when Big John wakes the ladies up, he reminds them being VIP doesn’t make them safe. Rode Hard, Muppet and CESM are excited for their date. But Butterface is upset that he’s gone off upset with her. “I was just trying to get beauty sleep and be hotter for him…if that’s possible,” says. I am so happy I named her Butterface. Her conceited ass needs to be taken down a notch. Or twenty.

So Butterface and her VIP girls decide to make Bret a card. They break out the magic markers and glitter. Come on, ho, this ain’t no second grade Valentines Day project. How ’bout this – try getting naked, writing his name all over your body and glittering yourself up. That might do the trick.

The date turns out to be a day in the dirt with ATVs. Yawn. Rode Hard and surprisingly, CESM, are excited about it. Muppet is nervous. Bret’s happy, cause guess what? ATV’s are a turn on! So they ride around on their ATVs, and I’m bored. I can’t help but recall last season’s group date in the recording studio. Grandma Rodeo’s moans, Hooters rubbing up on him…these hos are giving me nothing. Nothing.

Back at the Slut Hut, International Inna and Scary Frenchy are setting up for Bret’s Old School Dance Contest. Meanwhile, Butterface and her crew are finishing up their card. Butterface can’t believe they put it together with stuff they had in their room! I can’t believe they’re forgoing the stripper pole for arts and crafts.

And over on the date, it’s time for a picnic lunch. Rode Hard and Muppet chatter away about how important music is to a relationship. CESM, who’s musical tastes run to listening to Air Supply in her min-van. is quiet. And Bret notices what he calls “a disconnect”, so he takes CESM off for some alone time. He says it’s to find out if they have anything in common, but it’s really to determine if she’s remotely slutty enough to stay in this game.

Turns out CESM loves to work out, hang with her friends and chill at home. Wow, it must get crazy, leading such a stunningly fascinating life. And then Bret gets to the task at hand, and kisses her. And according to him, CESM is one of the best kissers he’s ever kissed in his life! In fact, he’s got what he calls “heavy movement”. Well, she had no choice to perfect that skill, seeing as how she probably doesn’t put out ’til at least the 900th date.

Over at the house, Butterface says that she and the other VIP girls make an amazing trio of brains. She and her followers dress up in lingerie, and sit downstairs to wait for Bret to return from his date. Boring Korie, Token Roxy and Grandma Catherine 2.0 decide that they’re not going to bother getting dressed up. So why are they even there? I may want to smack the shit out of Butterface, but at least she’s making some kind of effort.

International Inna and Scary Frenchy, however, decide to out-ho the magic marker girls, and park themselves at the front door in even sluttier lingerie than the first three. Oh, by the way, Farmgirl is now part of the VIP clique. How did that happen? I don’t recall seeing her bestowed with a pass. But anyway, it turns into a battle of the slags for the position closest to the front door. Butterface is annoyed that Inna and Frenchy can’t come up with their own ideas. Well, we can’t all produce gems like magic markers and glitter to win our men. That takes a very special pre-school stunted mind.

But when The Ego finally returns home, he doesn’t care, he’s just happy that they’re all planted there to meet him. And by the way, Frenchy and Inna did make it to the front of the pack at the door. That’s my girls / boy! Finally, the right idea! He gives the VIPs a little grief for going to bed so early the night before, but then he calls their card “awesome”. Meanwhile, at the top of the stairs, the other hos are waving, and Boring Korie yells down, “What about us?” Yeah, what about you? You’re fully clothed. You’re scenery.

International Inna and Frenchy drag Bret to the living room, and show him all the work they’ve done to set up the Old School Dance Contest. He thinks it’s cool that they remembered, so he lets them be the judges of the other girls. He decides he’s going to give out special VIP passes to whoever wins the dance off, and those passes can be used at any time to steal him away from whoever -oh, who am I fooling, with this dull crowd, whatever he’s doing.

Well, the dance contest is just as boring as the rest of this hour. Bret says he’s starting to wonder if maybe he’s got a bad batch of girls there. I hear that. They should have been recruiting at Crazy Girls, not Craigslist. But the winners of the contest Token Roxy with the funky chicken, Muppet Daisy with the pony and Bisexual Destiney with the running man. I agree with the decision. Of all the hos, they really were the best. Token Roxy had me cracking up with that chicken dance.

And then, Bret reminds them of tonight’s elimination. I notice for the first time that he’s wearing a fuchsia airbrushed cowboy hat. It looks fabulously ridiculous. I’m not sure why he’s forewent the matching jacket (come on, you know he has a matching jacket) but I’ll take what I can get.

Before eliminations, Scary Frenchy is going on and on about how confident she is. I hope this doesn’t spell disaster. I don’t know if this show will be watchable without her. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is nervous, although I don’t really think she has reason to be. K-Mart Niki is nervous too. K-Mart thinks she’s in trouble cause she didn’t take her shirt off. I agree. That chick has absolutely nothing to offer, but if she had stripped down, she may have had a fighting chance.

Bret shows up to eliminations in a black blazer, white button down and white bandana. He is literally sucking the joy out of this show with his sedate wardrobe choices. And the first thing he does is tell Ethnic Sara, “I need to call you out,” for what he heard about the dare. She backpedals like crazy. I doubted herself, it was taken out of context, I looked at my Chanel makeup case and forgot where I was, whatever, it’s bullshit and International Inna jumps in and calls her on it! I love this crafty Russian ho!

And the damage is done. Bret tells Sara her tour ends here. She cries, and says she feels bad because she disrespected him. That’s right bitch, you do not disrespect The Ego. Especially not on the reality show named after him. Bret says it was simple – he needed to hear her say that she was there for him, and she didn’t. Too bad, so sad, now let’s get back to the skanks who really are there for their piece of late eighties man meat.

International Inna wins the first pass for her eyes, dance contest organization skills, and looking out for him. Rode Hard Peyton gets pass number two for rocking his world physically and on a guitar. I have to say I like Rode Hard. I don’t think her button down shirt is the right wardrobe for this, but maybe they can do an album together or something. Next he comments on how weird fate is, cause he almost sent this next person home last week, and I know we’re stuck with Cross Eyed Soccer Mom ’til next time. Although, she didn’t bother me as much this week, now that she’s stepped off her soapbox a bit. But don’t worry dolls…I’ll never step off mine.

Bisexual Destiney, Butterface Megan, Muppet Daisy, Token Roxy and Farmgirl Jessica come next. This week, it’s Manly Aubrey’s turn to be shocked that she hasn’t been called yet. She’s sure if it comes down to her and Scary Frenchy, she’ll win. Why so confident? Frenchy might be a fright to look at, but she gets naked a lot and obviously she can cook. Diet chocolate cake? If Bret doesn’t want her, I could use some household help. She’d have to keep it covered up for me though, I don’t want to go blind.

When it’s time for Germy Joe’s pass, she jokes that she won’t stay and rock his world. Ooooh, dangerous game there, Germy. She tells the camera that she doesn’t want him to think he has the upper hand. What’s with these attitude? Look bitch, it’s Rock of Love with Bret Michaels. Get a clue or get back to your small town waitressing job where you’re half page photo shoot of Playboy makes you special.

Just when Granny Catherine is ready to pass out, Bret says she’s a mystery. No she’s not, he probably did her on a tour bus in ’91 and those twin boys are probably his. But she gets a pass too, cause he wants to get to know her better. K-Mart Niki says she’s not going out like this. Oh yes you are, skank skunk. “If I go home, I’m retarded,” K-Mart continues. Either way, sweetheart. My eight year old neighbor could write a better poem than you. Incidentally, she can also spell “Marry” correctly, which brings us to Boring Korie, who says it’s too early for her to go. Too early for her to tart up for him when he gets home from a date with three other girls, but too early for her to go? It’s Bret’s world, dolls. Like I said, get a clue, or kiss your chances of Z list fame goodbye.

Scary Frenchy is getting nervous too, but I’m not too concerned. Bret knows that she and International Inna are the only two bits of entertainment he’s got going there. Strike or no strike, with these duds, ratings are hardly a lock.

Sure enough, Frenchy gets the final pass! As she goes to retrieve it, we get a close up of her tongue and it’s one of those horrifying moments when you know you have to puke but you can’t look away…Bret calls it a serpent. He says he loves it, but again, I think he’s just thinking of the ratings.

K-Mart Niki gets the standard, you’re pretty, you’re sexy, another time, another place, I would have let you blow me backstage at the state fair…and she’s gone. Boring Korie is shocked. When he calls her down to say good bye, she tries to act cool and points at herself, like “who me?” Yeah you, loser. She says that she was the “best girl there” and if he can’t see that, then she doesn’t want him. Good, cause he sure doesn’t want you.

Butterface takes us out with the comment that she already forgot the girls who left names. Yeah, me too. Granny Catherine says that she’s not there to make friends or enemies, just to get Bret. And sixteen years of back child support. Times two. Twins, you know.

So that’s the episode. Next time, Lacey brings her disease back to the show, and there’s a roller derby challenge. It seems like the skanks gang up on Germy Joe, which sounds like fun, so fingers crossed that this thing gets the hell out of soft rock mode…kisses ’til then, dolls. FLIPPY DON’T BE MAD AT ME!!!!! I’M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!