Hello dolls, and welcome to the season finale of Rock of Love! We’re down to our final two hos – Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre and Muppet Daisy. This season’s been a slow ride, but tonight looks like one big, messy, make-up smeared drama. Grab your spare bottle of Aqua Net and off we go!
Back to the felt factory.
For the big event, we’re headed down to Cancun in a private jet! Well, we’re not, but the hos are and they’re impressed. The location for this season’s rendezvous is the ME resort, a new chain of mid-priced hotels for not quite Mayakoba, not quite Sheraton crowd. When they arrive at the hotel, they are met with a Mayan dance routine. “It’s amazing!” says Soccer Mom of the hotel version of the masked tribal dance. Of course it is, Soccer Mom’s the type to suck in all the tourist traps on a vacay. Luckily, the Mayan dance also comes with cocktails.
Also, luckily, so does Muppet.
They hos get into their room, and sure enough, there’s presents from Bret! It’s a bunch of ME resort themed shit. No straw cowboy hats this time, but hotel gift shop design is still enough to make our hos happy. They have a gorgeous balcony with a bed on it.
And then it’s time for dinner. Soccer Mom looks boring in brown, but she does coordinate nicely with Bret’s brown t-shirt. Muppet looks whorish as usual, in a peachy pink stripper-on-the-town dress, and a side ponytail. Neither hos’ hair is holding up well in the humidity, and they both just kind of generally look like it’s been a long trip. Which, I suppose in the greater sense, it has.
Bret throws the hos a quick hello, and then breaks out the same exact conversation he’s been having with these two for the past eighty million weeks now. Unsurprisingly, twelve hours in an overnight bag has not done anything to freshen up Bret’s Big Issues.
What do you think about politics poverty global warming me?
But Muppet’s going to shake it up! As soon as he tells her he still has questions, she informs him that she does too! And she has written them down on some of that ME brand stationary from Bret’s gift pack. And she has also brought a pencil from the pack to take notes. Soccer Mom is surprised Muppet knows how to use paper and pencil.
Muppet’s big list is basically her problem that Bret’s always talking about his emotional connection with Soccer Mom, but that when it comes to her, all he talks about is the physical connection. Muppet wants to know if that’s all he sees in her. Muppet, don’t ever ask a question like that unless you’re sure of the answer. But cute that you think there’s something else about you for him to like.
Of course, Bret’s not going to say that, so he just nods uncomfortably for a minute, and finally settles on, “Well, you’re a mystery.” He tells us he needs to connect with her on a “cerebral level”. I spit out my drink laughing. I really do.
But mean ol’ Soccer Mom sees her opening, and doesn’t want to let it slide. And even thought I can’t stand Soccer Mom, I must say, she’s as smart as Muppet is dumb, which means…well, Soccer Mom’s pretty smart. “You lead with your sexuality,” she informs Muppet sweetly, like she cares. Muppet demands examples. “Like, such as?” she challenges Soccer Mom, and I can’t help but be reminded of that dumb Miss Teen USA. Who told these girls that saying “like, such as” made you sound smart?
I meant it as a compliment.
Soccer Mom goes on to explain that sexuality isn’t a bad thing, but what does it lead to? “Well, it’s a valid concern, and we’re worried about it too,” Bret confesses to wily Soccer Mom. Now she’s playing therapist to Bret and Muppet’s relationship. Brilliant.
But Bret doesn’t fall for it for long. He turns the conversation over to Soccer Mom and his undying concern that she just wants to win at all costs, but does she care about him? “I just have to do this,” Soccer Mom responds, and then makes out with him. Nice try doll, but Bret’s not as dumb as Muppet. You think you’re the first ho to run that play?
Bret: You’re eighteen, right?
Random Underage Ho: I really need to kiss you.
Bret: So, you used to date Vince Neil?
Random Groupie Ho: I just have to kiss you right now.
Bret: So, it’s just a zit?
Random Diseased Ho: Let’s make out.
So Soccer Mom doesn’t really get away with it. Bret still wants an answer – so she tells him she’s here for him! She has the passion! She has the physicality! S-O-C-C-E-R M-O-M! What does that spell? Reheeeeeaaarsed Speech!
Muppet, desperate to change the subject, mentions that Soccer Mom doesn’t normally date guys like Bret. That’s true, Soccer Mom concedes. “You’re not the typical guy I date, but you’re exactly what I’m looking for,” she coos at him. Nice recovery, Soccer Mom!
Old Sloppy Make Out Barbie
And Bret wraps it up with the usual connection, hard decision babble. Then he gives them the schedule for the next two days – Soccer Mom gets an “adventure” the next day, and Muppet gets an “insanely amazing” day after that. Muppet whines about how hard it’s going to be not to see Bret for a whole, entire day. Clingy, that’s a good way to go. But Soccer Mom’s got her insecurities too, she’s worried about the strong connection Muppet and Bret have had since day one.
All in all, I’d say dinner came out to Soccer Mom: 1, Muppet: 0. And Muppet knows it. So when they’re back in the room, she’s going to start a new fight with Soccer Mom. She informs Soccer Mom that she does not lead with her sexuality. Muppet, in fact, leads with her “intelligence, funniness and goofiness”. All of which leads her to the point that even with all her intelligence, funniness and goofiness, people are still attracted to her fake boobs and fake hair, and that’s not her fault! Then Muppet proceeds to attack Soccer Mom by telling her she’s not sexy, and then makes fun of how she walks. “That was the meanest thing anyone’s ever said to me!” Soccer Mom says, totally offended.
“Maybe you just wish you were me!” yells Muppet. “You’re the last person I would ever want to be!” yells Soccer Mom back. “Well you’re the last person I’d ever want to be!” retorts Muppet. Way to keep your cool, ladies. You’re doing the sisterhood proud.
And thank you very much, Soccer Mom says to Muppet, thanks to that whole outburst, Soccer Mom is more determined than ever to show Bret how sexy she is. “I am confident! And I am bringing it!” She is sexy, dammit! Did you hear her? She said sexy!
Some guys like funky walks, dammit!
But not exactly showing it in another boring brown dress that looks like the same one she was wearing the night before. Bret thinks she looks hot though. Or so he says. He still hasn’t gotten any from Soccer Mom. And you know for a fact Bret isn’t giving away the reality show relationship before testing the goods. Soccer Mom once again reminds us that they have every connection, except physical. Bret’s in a black wifebeater tee and black baseball cap. Roadie chic.
They have a nice day touring what looks to me like a very Disney-ized version of the Mayan ruins, and then they take little boats over to a cave, where there are massage tables set up for the two of them. Aw, nothing like a relaxing massage after touring the ruins. It’s what makes the experience authentic.
And then it’s time for Soccer Mom to make her move. She escapes off her massage table, and climbs on top of Bret. He was just beginning to fall asleep, and when he feels someone on top of him, he’s only worried that it’s the massage dude. Soccer Mom gives him a nice massage, and then they make out in a cave. It was very sexy, she reports. That’s the signal for what’s sexy, by the way. When Soccer Mom tells us it is. Just kidding, it did look like a pretty hot kiss.
After the emotional trauma of reliving the Mayan ruin, it’s time for poolside lunch and margaritas. Soccer Mom thinks it’s perfect. Bret says a bunch of stuff, which I think comes down to that he likes being with her. He doesn’t see her as the kind of person who would ever be tired or bored. Of course not, she’s Soccer Mom! You can be passed out with a half drunk bottle of Jack and four groupies in your bed, and she’ll still make you roll your ass out of the hotel room to tour the local twine factory.
Then Bret says something about how he doesn’t live outside the box, or in the box, but he doesn’t live in the box next door either. I don’t get it at all, zip, zero, zilch, but I nonetheless find this terribly profound. I don’t know. I think I have officially drunk the Jack-spiked Kool Aid at this point. I’m going to start parading around, maniacally yelling, “I’m here for Bret! I’m here for Bret!” pretty soon.
Oh, Pedro. Yeah. I never thought I could feel like this…
They comment about how funny fate is, because she was supposed to go home the first night. And then Bret wants to gossip about Muppet. He’s dated more girls with her mentality, and he had a great five-year relationship, but in the end, it was too much for her. Yeah, it was probably that reality show set up to find you a new ho that pushed her over the edge. But anyway, he’s worried that Soccer Mom can’t hang as a rock star girlfriend.
Oh, no worries, says Soccer Mom. I’m secure enough in myself to know that partying is your job, and you do what you love and makes you happy, and after you do those seven girls, you come home. Please, you know Soccer Mom’s boyfriends aren’t even allowed out on weeknights, but whatever, all’s fair in love and TV.
Bret and Soccer Mom end their day looking out on the ocean and having some dumb, dumb conversation about how she fits in his “nook” when he’s holding her. I like the way you nook in me. I fit in your nook. I like nooking you. I can live with mushy, just please, can it be clever?
They bid farewell in the hotel lobby for just one hour, and Soccer Mom has to knock on her door to be let in. Muppet makes a big deal about getting out of bed and sulking over to the door. She is literally, like four feet tall, and the way she shuffles over to the door makes her look like a sullen teenager whose trampy Mommy’s stolen her boyfriend.
“What’s the password,” Baby Muppy pouts through the door. “Please?” asks Soccer Mom, appeasing the brat. Muppet opens the door, and stomps back to her bed, where it appears she’s doing some writing. Dear Diary, I hart Bret for-ev-er.
Hey! Who drew a mustache on Cathy?
But little Muppy can’t keep her cool for too long. “So whuhhh did you dooo-uhhhh?” she asks Soccer Mom accusingly. Why do you want to know, Soccer Mom snips back. “Well cause I want to know-uhhhh,” Muppy whines in return. She’s curious. For about five seconds, then she’s like whatever, I don’t really care. Then Soccer Mom engages and tells Muppet, in true Soccer Mom form, that “for a pretty girl, you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in m’life.”
“Well, I’m sorry I’m not as perfect as you are, Ambre!” Muppet yells after her. AmBRE, AmBRE, AmBRE! “I tried to be your friend,” Soccer Mom tells her, but Muppet’s not here to make friends, she’s – all together now – here for Bret! Well, I’m here for Bret too and you’re a hateful bitch, Soccer Mom bounces back to Muppet. This is the stupidest bitch-fight ever and it totally rules.
Muppet says that Soccer Mom represents everything that Muppet thinks is disgusting – a perfect world with white picket fences. Yeah, white fences are the grossest things ever. I’m sure this disgust has nothing at all to do with Muppet breaking up with her family when she was fifteen. Actually, it’s pretty sad. I really wonder what the story is there.
“I’m really sorry that you’re perfect and that you live in a fabulous world and everything is just sunny and great for you!” Muppet shrieks at Soccer Mom’s back. Poor Muppet. So wretched, but underneath it all, just four feet of silicone and pain.
But Soccer Mom doesn’t care about that, all she knows is that it’s driving Muppet crazy that she’s got the whole day and night with Bret. “Bitch,” Soccer Mom tosses off as she strolls out the door. Muppet lets out a long, fake laugh from the bed, where she continues to write in her top-secret diary.
Bret thinks Soccer Mom looks hot at dinner. She’s wearing a little black dress, and he’s brought her a gift! If it’s not an ME monogrammed straw cowboy hat, I swear….but no, it’s a necklace. “It’s a little rock and roll, meets a little cool meets a little classy – but mostly rock and roll,” is Bret’s description. I will make it simple for you. It’s a charm necklace. It’s cute. Soccer Mom continues to play along and oohs and aahs appropriately. “He knows me so well, it suits me to a tee!” she says brightly.
A 3 and a 2? How sweeeeet!
Bret says he feels very “myself” around Soccer Mom. And then he makes his move. “I know you got it going on. I don’t fall for your shyness routine,” he teases her. Heeeeheeeeheee she giggles. I like making you feel good, Bret. I like the way you make me feel good, Soccer Mom. For the record, I’m not wearing any underwear, Bret. Here, let me flash you. I swear, that is honestly what happened. Rock of Ewwwwww.
But Soccer Mom says he’s putty in her hands, and she’s right, Bret loves it, and immediately brings her back to his lair. It’s the Bret Michaels suite, he tells her proudly. “Are you ready? Are you sure you can handle it?” She is. But is he? “I don’t know,” he answers laughing. Awww, making her feel like she’s got a thing or two to teach the man-ho. Who works the ladies better than Bret?
He shows her around the room, subtly pointing out a couch to make love on, a table to make love on, and then the bed outside to make love on. Soccer Mom acts all surprised to see the bed outside, even though she has one right on her balcony, and then Bret tells us it’s the moment of truth between him and Soccer Mom. That means they’re about to do it.
Just have to point out, that at this point in the airing, there’s a commercial for the new “much anticipated!” Bret Michaels solo album. Finally! I thought all along the whole point of this show was the solo album. What the hell took so long? It is a very long commercial, complete with plenty of grainy, on the road footage. It reeks of serious musician.
But back to the show. The morning after Soccer Mom gives it up to Bret, she says they made a “strong physical connection”, and she hopes it’s enough for the win. As for Bret, he had his doubts about her being sexually intense enough, but now he finds her “super hot”. Soccer Mom’s on cloud nine – that is, until she gets back to her room and sees Muppet.
You taste 28.
And Muppet hasn’t grown up overnight. “Did you have a lovely time?” she asks sarcastically, “Oh, that’s so beautiful, that’s so awesome, I’m soooooo excited for my date, all day with Bret an’ all nighttttt…” she says, sounding like a phone sex operator.
Soccer Mom again accuses her of being immature. I think anyone in this conversation is immature, and I don’t know what that makes me for recapping it. “I don’t even want to talk about it,” says Muppet, who started the conversation, “I’m in a great mood!” she adds, seeming completely bi-polar. Soccer Mom tells us that Muppet needs to grow up, she’s an absolute disaster, and that she can’t be what Bret’s looking for. I am really irritated with Muppet now, for no other reason than she’s making me agree with Soccer Mom.
Bret and Muppet meet up at the docks. She looks kind of stupid in a baby blue halter and white trucker style hat, but no doubt Bret’s happy to see her. He wants her to run to him, and she does but Muppet’s kind of lost her sparkle there. Perhaps Soccer Mom sucked the sassy ho out of her, like a vampire.
They’re going fishing on their date! Bret’s talking and Muppet’s nodding, but something about the boat seems to be confusing her. They get onboard, and Bret immediately wants to have another one of those pesky “getting to know you” type conversations. He wants to figure out what’s going on in her mind. He compares her to Soccer Mom (ouch!) who’s thirty-seven, knows where she’s at and isn’t in a transitional period.
She also agreed to run carpool for my kids. Go ahead. Top that.
Muppet’s response to what she wants out of life is that she knows what she’s looking for and she knows what she wants and what she doesn’t want, and sometimes life throws you a curveball, so it’s good to know, and she doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. Bret observes that she is noticeably confused by the question.
“Let’s take a break,” he finally says, resigned to the fact that Muppet brain is made of felt, too. They go up to the deck, and seem pretty uncomfortable around each other. “The sun feels so good,” is Muppet’s big conversation starter. But then all of the sudden…she’s seasick. “Enjoy it like a roller coaster,” is Bret’s professional advice. He’s not too bothered if she heaves in the water, cause I guess it’s good bait? How romantic.
Then Muppet has to sit down, and she tells Bret she thinks she’s losing circulation in her hands. She can’t move them. Well, fishing won’t be our thing then, he says. Even though he was looking forward to a day at sea, but he’s thinking she’s a land lover. Then Muppet pukes over the side of the boat. And nobody looks good puking.
“I meant to do that,” she tells him weakly after it’s all over. “So that’s what I look like throwing up,” she continues, completely self-consciously. They agree that he’s now seen her naked, drunk, puking, crazy – mostly crazy, Bret adds, a bit unnecessarily, I think. Muppet’s having a rough day. And it’s only her last chance with him.
But not totally…she still has her dinner and night alone with him to take this thing home. She’s worried that Bret can’t tell how serious she is. That’s so not the problem. “He needs to take a chance and be in a serissshhh relashhhhhhip wit’ me,” Muppet says with that idiotic speech impediment that she thinks makes her sound adorable.
Ew. Brush your teeth.
She’s wearing a satiny, purple dress that’s actually not the sluttiest thing she’s ever worn. Bret says he’s trying to connect with Muppet on different levels, but right now she can say anything she wants cause she looks so hot. Then he gives her the same necklace that he gave to Soccer Mom, which is totally crazy, cause it fit Soccer Mom to a tee! But Muppet loves the necklace too, she thinks it’s amazing. I wonder what they think now, knowing they got the exact same gift.
Bret gives Muppet a little of the “I like where you’ve been and where you’re going, you’re an amazing person” routine, which is basically just saying something nice so she’ll still spend the night. She’s ready to move on, and grow and change, she responds, which she doesn’t really understand, but it sounded right. And then she makes the very big mistake of letting Bret know she’s so concerned about Soccer Mom, that she’s actually going to drag her into the date.
Just like she did with Destiney last week, Muppet takes the opportunity Bret gives her to tell him more about her and all that vague “crazy ass shit” that’s her explanation for everything, and throws it to the wind in order to tell Bret that Soccer Mom’s boring. Then she tells him about all the love and passion she has for him cause he’s awesome.
And finally, when it becomes unbearably painful to listen to her say one more thing, Bret finally kisses her and brings Muppet up to his room. No awkward joking about the bed on the balcony in for these two. It’s Muppet and her huge stripper shoes on top of Bret in like five seconds flat.
Five minute ho.
The next morning, Muppet thanks Bret for a wonderful, wonderful night, and takes off with her sunglasses on, cause Muppet’s too cool for the walk of shame, back to the room she shares with Soccer Mom. She too has to knock to get back in (crafty producers, not giving them keys), but says nothing to Soccer Mom. Muppet just puts on her hoodie and sits down with her diary, like any proper teenager slinking in after a night out with her boyfriend who her Mom’s trying to steal.
And now it’s Soccer Mom’s turn to pick an immature, annoying fight. She tells Muppet that since they’ve gotten to Cancun, she’s been acting really mean. “You called me names and imitated me,” Soccer Mom accuses her. Then she accuses Muppet of not saying “word one” to her since she’s been back from her date. “I’m in my own world,” Muppet says loftily. This pisses Soccer Mom off and she tells Muppet she’s become the Evil Muppet, which Muppet laughs at.
Then the really interesting part happens, that’s both telling and mean…Muppet tells Soccer Mom to stop degrading her by calling her a stripper, and Soccer Mom tells her well, that’s just your occupation. “I’m a television host” – and Soccer Mom says ‘television host’ like it’s Queen of the World – “you’re stripper.”
Poor Muppet. She sits on the patio, bawling and looking like a serial killer, talking about how it’s so fucking scary and she’s scared. Soccer Mom lets room service in with breakfast and a note from Bret. “Adios!” yells Peggy Hill, waving to the waiter as he leaves.
And the note says that the hos get a day of beauty before the night’s big elimination. Soccer Mom’s excited for a relaxing day at the spa, but Muppet can’t be excited cause she’s too scared. Then we get their deep thoughts on the Rock of Love experience. “I learned more about myself than I ever could have imagined,” muses Soccer Mom. Yeah, you learned that you’re thirty-seven, ho.
Muppet sobs a lot and goes on about learning about herself and falling in love with an amazing person. And then we cut to Bret, walking on the beach, so deep in thought that the bottoms of his jeans are soaked in the ocean. He’s decked out in his serious thinking gear of black wifebeater shirt and straw cowboy hat. Soccer Mom is mature, confident and close to his age, he says. And Muppet digs the rocker lifestyle, and is a free spirit.
Bret hates having to choose, the hos are terrified and going to be devastated if he doesn’t choose them, same shit, different elim. Soccer Mom looks pretty hot, and Muppet looks like a hooker with a cheap weave who’s just getting in from a long night.
And there they stand, in an underground Mayan ruin (I assume), awaiting Bret’s arrival. It’s very dramatic. Muppet reminds us of her love for him, Soccer Mom recites another practiced speech about how her feelings are the scariest, but most pure thing she’s ever felt before. “I do love him. I do love Bret,” Soccer Mom reminds us and herself.
Bret finally appears out of a little tunnel between statues. Come on, like the lead singer of Poison isn’t gonna make an entrance? I’m surprised there was no smoke machine and fireworks display. Bret’s wearing a shiny suit that’s not even close to pleather, but at least it’s shiny. He’s got a knot in his gut, he says, because last season he made the wrong decision.
He tells Muppet that from the moment he saw her, he thought she was beautiful, she’s been through a lot, but it hurts him that she can’t tell him everything. Then he tells Soccer Mom that she’s strong, smart and beautiful, but he doesn’t know if she can handle the lifestyle.
Then Bret breaks out his own rehearsed line about not looking for rock of like, or rock of lust…it’s rock of love or nothing! He’s forced to make a decision. It’s one of the toughest in his life. Dramatic music swells in the background. How much longer are they going to drag this out?
Well, at least through one more commercial. And then we’re back, while Bret talks around in another hundred circles. Muppet’s rock and roll. Soccer Mom knows where she is in life. He cares about both of then. And then…he asks Muppet to come down.
But something’s wrong. “You know how much I love you and care about you,” he says, and then simply, “the tour ends here.” Muppet is shocked. Soccer Mom is shocked. “She needs me more than she wants me,” says Bret. Muppet is maintenance, and that’s too much work for a fake girlfriend.
Bret tells her she’s absolutely beautiful, he loves being with her and around her, but it’s not going to work for them. Muppet stumbles off, mumbling to herself. Then she sobs and sobs and sobs and looks like a Barbie that got all deformed and melted in the rain.
“Ambre, you are my rock of love,” Bret announces once the awkward business of disposing with Muppet is done with. He once again muses on how funny fate is, and how perfect Soccer Mom is for him. Then he wraps it all up in a bow with the pronouncement, “I got my rock of like. I got my rock of lust. I got my rock…of love.” And then he asks Soccer Mom if they can go have “hot monkey sex”. A classy ending to a very classy show.
And that’s it, dolls! Soccer Mom? At no point did I predict this. Well, let’s see what happens next week at the reunion show – more bitch-fighting and Flasher’s back to raise hell! Plus, are Soccer Mom and Bret still together? So many questions to be answered that I’m not calling the season until I see how it all really ends. Kisses ’til then…