Rock of Love: Bitches on Wheels

Hello dolls, and welcome back to Rock of Love! This week’s installment was a big improvement over last. We had ho drama and some roller derby action. Free skate, everybody!

Where my hos at?

It’s morning time in the house of herpes, and Token Roxy is telling us for the first of about twenty times in this episode, how she needs to make a connection with Bret. Luckily, she has a VIP pass that can be used at any time to force him to spend time with her. It all comes down to personality at this point, she tells us ironically, cause I pay attention and the only thing I can tell you about Roxy’s personality is that I think she may be using the pink streaks in her hair to cover up the fact that she doesn’t have one.

Pink is the new Slag

When it’s time for the clue about the day’s date, Butterface Megan is hoping that it doesn’t have to do with “athleticness” ’cause she doesn’t have anyway. Aren’t girls who make up words like “athleticness” just the cutest? Farmgirl Jessica too is worried that the date will involve coordination.

And the date takes place at the roller derby. ATV’s, roller derby, these are so not my kind of things. Well, Bret tells us, if there’s one thing people can say, it’s that he’s a good father. Of course, look at the venereal diseases he braves for this reality show paycheck! It’s all for his kids. We know he’s not spending his money on the expensive hair. He is looking for someone with that “mother bear instinct”. And he’s gonna find it by strapping some roller skates on his hos, and sending them off with a stroller holding Baby Bret. Baby Bret is decked out like Daddy Bret, in a cowboy hat and sunglasses.

But the challenge has one more thing…the leisurely task of roller-skating along with your baby will be thwarted by the LA Derby Dolls. The Derby Dolls are a roller derby team, one of whose members is someone who Bret refers to as ” America ‘s Little Sweetheart” and who I refer to as “Psycho Herpes Rocker” – it’s Lacey Connor. I’m not sure how she stalked her way into this challenge, I don’t recall “roller derby girl” being one of the eighty million things she bragged about in the past, but whatever, she’s back with a “What’s up, skanks?”

Sorry, but the purple pill is only a treatment, not a cure.

Shemale Inna wants to skate over Lacey’s face. Go for it! Just watch the herpes encrusted lip ring. The first team is Manly Aubrey, Scary Frenchy Angelique, Shemale Inna and Germy Joe. The second team is Farmgirl Jessica, Token Roxy, Rode Hard Peyton and Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre. The third team is Muppet Daisy, Butterface Megan, Bisexual Destiney and Granny Catherine 2.0.

Granny is a little put off by the young ‘uns in her group, but once they started talking strategy, they bonded. It turns out Germy Joe is a good skater, so even though no one else on her team is, she thinks they might still have a chance. The rules of the skate are three laps around with the baby while the Derby Dolls try and take the baby out – then it gets passed on to Dr. Franklin. Dr. Franklin, perhaps the same doctor who measured Bret’s erectile activity during last year’s Talk Dirty to Me challenge? If it is, then they forgot to identify him with the tag, “Not a real doctor”. In case the fact that he’ll be measuring the level of roller derby damage to a Bret doll didn’t clue you in.

Rudy Giuliani, you have sunk as low as you can go.

The Pink Team goes first. Everyone’s scared of Lacey, cause her reputation as a psycho precedes her. Bret’s looking for a girl who’s willing to take a beating for her man. Ladies, when it comes to things like hygiene and aversion to spandex, the standards are loose, but you better be willing to defend yourself from a psycho groupie beatdown. Bret wouldn’t be any help. That hairdo is delicate, you know.

Muppet takes off early, and falls early. It doesn’t take long for the Derby Skanks to catch up, and beat the crap out of Baby Bret. Muppet comments that she didn’t know you could punch the baby. Cause that’s what Lacey’s doing. Oh no, she’s not crazy. Anyway, at the end of the whole thing, Granny tells us that their stroller looked like a semi truck hit it (if this was Original Granny Rodeo, I’d have inserted a comment about how a semi truck ‘that she no doubt drove for a year out in Texarkana‘ but this new Granny…more of like a waitress-at-a-truck-stop type.

The next team is the red team of Farmgirl Jessica, Token Roxy, Rode Hard Peyton and ol’ Cross Eyes. Their strategy is to let Peyton get ahead, and have everyone else just get in the Derby Dolls’ way. This strategy doesn’t net them any better results than the pink team. Rode Hard gets rode harder as the roller skanks slam into her. Watching a ho get the crap beat out of her for him is, of course, a turn on for Bret. Normally, I would maybe say something about this sort of misogynist attitude, but with this group…hey, it’s his show.

These Derby hos are tough! Psycho Lacey keeps punching Baby Bret, and Scary Frenchy points out that one of them ripped off Baby Bret’s arm. Do they always have so much angst or are they Rock of Love casting rejects gone mad with unrequited love for Bret? Captain Herpes is the ultimate ROL reject, and she seems to be leading the beat-the-crap-out-of-Baby-Bret charge.

Bring us your hungry, bring us your poor…

The last team is the blue team, starring Germy Joe, Manly Aubrey, International Inna and Scary Frenchy. This team rocks, thanks to Germy Joe. Germy whizzes around the track. The big roller skanks knock her around a little bit, but their baby comes out the least unscathed.

“Dr.” Franklin examines the baby for damage, and gives his diagnosis. The pink team’s Baby Bret is dead. The red team’s Baby Bret was beaten retarded. But the blue team’s Baby Bret was beaten just enough to render it “rock star”! The blue team wins!

Scary, Manly and Inna get the group date that night, and MVP Germy Joe gets a private date the next day. Back at the house, Token Roxy is once again complaining about not getting the chance to hang out with Bret. Well by all means, just keep whining sweetie, that should bring opportunity around in a jiff! Granny 2.0 tells Token to use her VIP pass, dummy! But Token wants to save for a later time. Like for the scrapbook of the experience that she’ll have plenty of time to work on after she’s eliminated? But Token says all she can do is wait see what happens. I’ll tell you what happens – chase after him on his dating show, get sent home. No waiting necessary for the end of that story.

The other hos are making social like in the kitchen, and Germy Joe makes some kind of comment about how Granny 2.0 didn’t do a good job at the roller derby, especially considering she’s a Mom. What the hell does being a Mom have to do with your ability to dodge smelly hos while pushing your baby on roller skates? Muppet defends the pink team, saying she thinks they did a damn good job. Well, not really, but it was no more Granny’s fault than anyone else’s.

Ah, if all closed captioning was this rich.

For the group date, Bret and the hos are off to Forty Deuce, a burlesque club. Frenchy is very excited, cause she’s a streeper. Something tells me that Frenchy excited is a sight that I do not want to see, and oh man, does she prove me right. But before she does, we learn that they will have a private burlesque dance by one of the pros first, then they each get their own turn on stage. Manly is excited because it turns out she’s a dancer. Manly has made the very wise choice to wear a porkpie hat that covers half her face, and let me tell you…biiiiig improvement.

After the private dance, the Forty Deuce bitch gives the hos a quick little burlesque lesson. Scary Frenchy exclaims that all she wants to do is get naked! AHHHH!! I told you I was scared of this. The Forty Deuce babe gives her a withering and tells her, “It’s art.” Sorry burlesque artiste, but l really don’t think Scary gets that.

Shemale Inna dances first. Bret calls her his “Ukrainian Love Tank”. Did he call her a tank? Surely this is not a compliment. As she crawls around on the floor, Bret says that she sucks as a burlesque dancer, but she’s sexy. Final consensus? Turn on. Manly wants to show her sexy side. Just show your female side first, please. Don’t get ahead of yourself there, bandana. Something tells Bret that Manly’s going to be good at burlesque. She does an alright job.

But extra points for being able to pee your name in the snow.

And then…it’s Frenchy’s turn. She’s decked out in a nightgown with cutouts, but it’s only on her body for about three seconds before she chucks it off. Bret compliments her ass. Shemale says Frenchy looks like a clown, and laughs at her. Bret’s kind of laughing too, but he tries to be nice about it. Her body is smoking hot, he concedes, but she’s either an exhibitionist, or she’s got a screw loose. Meanwhile, Frenchy writhes around totally naked on the floor, telling us confidently that she knows he wants her so bad.

And it turns out, naked is against the rules at Forty Deuce! The group gets yelled at by the owner, but Frenchy isn’t bothered. “Of course I have to get naked,” she explains logically.

Don’t change a thing.

Back at the Ho Hotel, Farmgirl and Butterface, who need their clique like normal people need oxygen, are mad that Germy Joe is talking shit on Granny. Germy is deceptive, we are told. Probably, but whatever, at least she’s entertaining. Somehow, Bisexual Destiney gets involved and confronts Germy. It turns out into all out war, with the cleque of hos literally ganged up on Germy. Butterface tells Germy that she looks scary, and needs to warn them when she doesn’t have makeup on. Stupid and mean, always a delightful combination.

When Bret and the on-the-date skanks get back to the house, they’re ready to party. But wait! Someone’s crying in the bathroom. It’s Germy Joe. Manly goes to find her, and laments the fact that Germy doesn’t have higher self-esteem. They talk about how vicious the other hos are, and then they snuggle. I feel like Manly is transitioning to Rock of Love with Germy Joe.

The next morning, Germy Joe is wearing the same sports bra she was wearing around the house in last night. I notice this for two reasons – one, change your clothes, girl! And two, if you were competing for love in Bret Michaels’ den of sin, wouldn’t you want to ho it up a little bit? Sports bra and no makeup? That’s not how you play.

Hos in Prison

Anyway, the winning date is that she gets to plan the date. I would gotten on the phone, made a reservation and spent the rest of the day pampering and getting tarted up, but Germy Joe opts for the steak cooking and beer barbeque at the house…with the rest of the hos watching. Big mistake to keep it home, cause Destiney comes up with the evil plan to interrupt Germy and Bret’s date with her VIP pass. Then she convinces Muppet to do the same. Of course Token Roxy sees no need to interrupt his date, he’ll see her on his own time. Again, excellent strategy. Just keep sitting there doing nothing. Surely he will come right to you.

Bret is excited for his date with Germy Joe. She has indeed prepared quite a spread for him, and he thanks her for a “awesome!” meal. He’s so glad their having their date, and then they talk a bunch of contrived nonsense about “putting your heart out there.” You know Bret loves that hokey shit.

But oh boy, Germy wasn’t playing about putting it out there…turns out she’s been married twice! AND she’s still legally married! You can practically see Bret’s head about to spin off his neck. Just when she gets to the part about nothing to worry about cause of the restraining order and annulment, Destiney comes prancing up with her VIP pass, decked out in a shiny, metallic blue bikini. I’m not talking any shit on it, cause after a great deal of effort, I finally just scored one of the last produced bottles of Chanel Blue Satin nail polish, and the color bears a striking resemblance to Destiney’s slutwear. And bottom line, I’m convinced Blue Satin is a new classic, and I’m not sure what that means for Destiney’s bikini, but I don’t think it’s proper to talk shit on it at this juncture.

Also, she can burn me alive with her fire breath.

At first, Bret is too busy trying to reattach his head after Germy’s mind-blowing news to deal with Destiney, but that is one persistent bisexual. He makes a weak attempt to hold her off, but he’s no match for Destiney who declares that she’s staying, and Germy must leave. And so Germy goes.

Destiney wastes no time in straddling Bret, and commenting that she may just have a bite of Germy’s steak. Destiney’s bisexual mouth on Germy’s food? Oh please go for it! Bisexual’s aggressiveness in using her VIP pass was, naturally, a big turn on to Bret. Germy stands by and seethes confusedly that “this is not going to happen”, when it so clearly is.

On his lap, Destiney pulls Bret’s heartstrings by telling him she relates to being broken hearted – honey, if you throw a “Every Rose Has Its Thorn is the song that got me through” in there, you’re so golden (still missing Flasher, when’s her return?) According to Destiney, her boyfriend of five years cheated on her. Bret determines that Destiney is indeed there for the right reasons, and then they make out. So many lines in these recaps go like that – Blahblahblahblahblahblah…and then they made out. Anyone ever notice that?

Germy Joe is still germy mad about Destiney’s interruption. She thinks it was so low of her to interrupt the solo date. Well, if you’re dumb enough to have your solo date where he’s available to be distracted, what do you expect? And with the bombs Germy was dropping on him, Destiney was like a damn life preserver.

Wait! I didn’t get to tell you about my paternity suit and my appeal in that manslaughter case.

Destiney casually gives Bret back to Germy Joe, with a smug “mission accomplished.” Indeed! Butterface Megan wants Bret to see Germy mad, so she and the other girls encourage Muppet to take her turn with the VIP pass. Muppet goes prancing out, only this time Bret and Germy are at a normal point in the conversation, about cheating, and it’s no longer original, and Bret’s a little annoyed. So he tells Muppet it’s the wrong time, and she takes off. She doesn’t want to disrespect him. Good attitude, Muppy, but funny when you’re talking about respect with dangly pasties hanging off your bra top.

Germy is exhausted and overwhelmed from the two interruptions. And from spending the day cooking, no doubt. Take my advice Germy, there’s a time to be a domestic goddess, but this is not it. Reservations and spa day so you’re nice and relaxed and your two marriages and annulments and restraining orders aren’t such a big deal.

Sure enough, this makes Bret doubt Germy. He tells her to imagine what it would be like backstage with “all kinds” of girls / diseases. She says it isn’t in her to fight like that. Unless she’s in skates pushing a fake Baby Bret, that is. Bret says she needs to toughen up, there’s some more mumbo jumbo about hearts being invested, and then this disaster of a date is done.

And with that, Bret sets off to find Muppet, who he feels bad about turning away earlier. He appeases her with some private time in his bedroom. She wants him to know that she’s been dreaming about him, and then she bursts into tears. When she looks at him, she forgets everything, and she just wants to stare. This is just puppy love, but the Muppet’s cute, and she’s still wearing her tasseled bikini, so Bret uses the patented, time honored method of making out with her to shut her the hell up. It totally works.

Animal’s gonna lose his shit.

And then we’re already at eliminations. Granny Kath thinks Germy should definitely go home, a sentiment echoed by many of the other skanks. Except Manly Aubrey, who stresses that she’s afraid she’s going to lose Germy Joe, and what en emotional moment that would be for her. It’s so obvious that Manly’s objective has shifted off Bret and onto The Germ.

And Germy is indeed freaking out, because of all the drama that happened on their date. Frenchy is blissfully unconcerned, and let’s face it, she’s good TV, but I think that face has ridden the crazy, naked train just about as far as it’s gonna go.

Time to play De-sash the Gash!

Bret struts up to eliminations in a pinstriped ensemble, accented with red. At this point, I’m numb to the slightly fashionable wardrobe choices. He looks fine. Big whatever. He throws a “love hurts” comment at everyone, as eliminations begin. I wonder if that’s a plug for the name of the next Poison album.

For the first pass, he tells us is that he looks for fire, and that’s Destiney. He loved how she used her pass. And while Bret might be a huge disappointment in the wardrobe department lately, Destiney is an absolute gem. A body stocking, bowler hat…and braids. It’s some level of hideously brilliant.

Next pass goes to Muppet for being “classy and cool” when told her VIP interruption was not the right time or place. Muppet’s really starting to fall head over heels. Muppet can go places, but she’s got to cool it with the tears. Weepy and emotional works for Bret for a while, but ultimately he needs one tough ho.

After the first two girls with VIP passes are called, Token Roxy’s getting nervous. She’s “starting to realize” that she should have been more aggressive in using her pass. Come on sister girl, you knew that all along. This just wasn’t your gig.

Shemale Inna gets the next pass for showing him a great time last night. Manly Aubrey gets a pass for a sexy dance, and cause he learns more about her each day. Rode Hard Peyton and Granny Katherine 2.0 are next. Germy Joe interjects that she’s nervous, scared and confused. She has laid out all her cards, issues and baggage. Cards, issues and baggage, damn, that’s a lot of shit to be dragging around with you. No wonder you don’t have a pass yet.

My bottom two, Cross Eyed Soccer Mom and Butterface Megan, get the next two passes. Then comes Farmgirl Jessica who answers his query if she’ll continue to rock his world with a perky, “You bet!” Back to the church bake sale for you sweetie, you’re dumb and you get on my nerves.

And then we’re down to Scary Frenchy, Germy Joe and Token Roxy. Token pretends to be freaking out, and says she doesn’t know what’s going to happen, but she does and she has all along, that’s why she kept talking about getting time with Bret but never doing a thing about it. Germy is convinced she’s going home, which in conjunction with the fact that everyone else hates her guts, makes me convinced she’s staying. And Frenchy is still happily delusional and unaware.

Even her boobies smile.

Germy Joe , to no one’s surprise, gets the pass. He says he has a strong physical attraction to her, but he’s gotta think it over a little bit. Farmgirl wants to know if Germy can just go home already. “This girl is an emotional trip and it’s not one I want to be on,” she says snottily, like she’s saying something clever. It’s probably a line that Butterface used earlier, and Farmgirl appropriated, thinking it was just the most brilliant thing ever.

The first to leave is Token. There was no effort to use the VIP pass, Bret tells her. As soon as she escapes the house, Token lies one more time about how if she knew how important the VIP pass was, she would have used it. She’s a damn good woman, she tells us in her exit interview. Good for you, but that has nothing to do with winning this race.

And finally, it’s time to bid Scary French Angelique adieu. She takes the goodbye like a champ. He is very sweet to her, and uses the convenient excuse that she’s a free spirit, and he just went down the road with someone like that pretty recently. But Frenchy’s not upset – she gave it everything she had and she has no regrets. Not so easy on the eyes, this Frenchy, but her bright ho spirit really shines through. Bon voyage, Scary Frenchy, you will be missed.

And as Bret takes us out with the Ho Toast, Germy tells us that she’s still nervous, and she still has a lot to prove. That, and oh yeah, she needs to get that little divorce thing sorted out. Details, details.

Next week the tide really turns on Germy, and she has a hysterical breakdown! Aren’t those just the best. Rock and roll til then, dolls…

I’m ready for my closeup.