Welcome back to another week of Rock of Love. I think we’re in a slump. All these hos do is whine and cry. No one’s puking in the hot tub, nobody’s fighting, and the stripper pole has three layers of dust on it. But tonight is the Mudbowl, when these hos have a real opportunity to get dirty and naked and bring this show back to life! So let’s see what happens.
Take that fire as a hint and toss those boots, Granny.
Well, it’s the morning after Manly Aubrey’s ultimate sacrifice for her lesbian lover, Germy Joe. And now, Germy wants us to know that her heart is invested. Rode Hard Peyton is getting worried that she hasn’t spent much time with Bret – she says if she doesn’t make headway now, it could be too late. Granny 2.0 is another one who’s nervous – it’s only her and Farmgirl Jessica who haven’t had dates with him.
Big John calls the hos down to read the clue for the day – it’s something about getting dirty. Granny tells us she’s not afraid to get dirty. Granny’s a Montana girl, she boasts, and she’s been getting dirty her whole life. I just love this show, when else would your eagerness to get dirty help you get ahead? The skanks have been issued little outfits, shorts and sports bras. Everybody thinks it’s got to be football, but Muppet isn’t sure. Wouldn’t they have shoulder pads, she wonders?
I remember back when they invented dirt. I’d just roll around in it and think to myslef “the future is now!”
But sure enough, it’s the Bret’s Mudbowl – Part Two! Muppet’s nervous. She’s never played football before, and she doesn’t want to get her ass kicked. They’ll be split up into two teams. The winners get a group date, and the MVP of the team gets a solo date that night. One more thing, there’s nine of them, so one girl is going to be left out of the game, and won’t have any chance at a date this week. And of course, Bret will be the quarterback for both teams. Cause he’s awesome.
Then he proudly reminds the hos that he’s from Pittsburgh, where they have four seasons. Some of the girls start to look confused. Seasons? Four of them? Are we going to be tested on this? But it is soon made clear, as Bret tells them that he’ll be playing God, and instructs Big John to “let there be rain!” And it rains! Same trick with wind and snow. Ooooooh! A weather machine! That’s actually pretty cool. But not to be playing muddy football in.
Bret chooses Granny 2.0 as captain of The Sweethearts and Bisexual Destiney as captain of The Fallen Angels. He tells them to choose their teams wisely, and to pick the most frustrated, cause they’ll play the hardest. Bisexual chooses SheMale Inna, Germy Joe and Muppet. Granny chooses Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, Rode Hard Peyton and Farmgirl Jessica. Butterface Megan is left out in the cold. She says she’s happy she doesn’t have to play football, she just wants to tan.
That’s a loser’s attitude, Butterface, Bret likes a sporty ho.
Sure enough, Bret says that he is looking for strategy, athleticism and skills. And then the game gets underway, and according to Bret, it’s insane. Ugh, do I really have to recap a skanky, muddy football game? Cross Eyed Soccer Mom tells us she’s ready and that she has no fear. She makes two touchdowns. Yay. Bisexual is frustrated with her team, especially SheMale Inna, who has now been re-christened Bret’s Ukrainian Love Bus.
Butterface chimes in from the sidelines that watching was entertaining. Shut up Butterface, no one wanted you on their team cause you’re lame and annoying. Muppet is trying to keep everyone’s head in the game, and then Germy Joe makes a touchdown. Muppet is telling everyone to gang up on Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, and they do and it works.
Farmgirl runs around like twinkle toes and fumbles the ball easily. Then, Bret throws the ball to Muppet, who holds onto it for dear life. She doesn’t care if she gets hurt. Muppet’s hardcore! Bret says she’s gone she-wild, and indeed the look in her eyes as she plows through the skanks and the mud is a little scary.
Luckily, some of these hos have enough silicone to cushion an army.
Cross Eyed Soccer Mom is getting worried. They were literally beating each other to get ahead, Bret gloats. Fight for him, hos! It’s 2-1 for the Sweethearts. My team needs to step it up and score a touchdown, SheMale tells us. Germy echoes the sentiment. And SheMale comes through! Now it’s tied, 2-2 and they’re going into sudden death.
My knees hurt and my back hurts, sighs Cross Eyed Soccer Mom. I have mud in my eye and I’m freezing, chirps Muppet. But they both want to score that touchdown for Bret. He throws to Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, and she runs, and she has the ball…but she drops the ball! It goes rolling away, through the mud and snow. There’s a mad dash of hos trying to catch that ball before it gets away, and Muppet is the one who gets it. Muppet scores the final touchdown! And Muppet is the MVP. She gets the solo date, and Germy, SheMale and Bisexual get the group date. Always the same hos, you know?
Bret and Muppet’s solo date is shopping at some store that specializes in cheap, slutty clothes, and then dinner. They’re both really excited to take it out on the town. At the slut store, Bret picks out some of the 3 for $9.99 polyester whore dresses, and Muppet does a fashion show for him. He is so attracted to her. I don’t get it. She’s so odd looking.
He has a woody for her hair. I’d sleep with one eye open if I was her.
After shopping, it’s time for dinner. Just sub Fred Segal for Strippers R Us, and this is my kind of date. But while the shopping part was a blast, the dinner is kind of a bust. Muppet’s teeny, tiny little brain is saying “get to know him.” But instead of doing it in the course of regular conversation, this translates to Muppet as “Ask him eighty million questions!” And so she does.
Do you like to travel? How tall are you? Do you like to read? What’s your favorite color? It goes on. And on. And on. Bret says that they have a strong physical connection, but a little more of an emotional connection would be good. Sorry babe, she’s a sweet girl and all, but I just don’t think she’s got the mental capacity to make that happen.
Back at the house, Rode Hard is freaking out. She hasn’t had any alone time with Bret. So she writes him a note. In blue magic marker. On ripped out notebook paper. NOT SEXY! And it says URGENT. Damn, Rode Hard, not you too! Is there not one ho in this house who isn’t an insecure mess?
Why yes, there is. It’s Butterface Megan, prancing around the house in a bikini, who has obviously received a visit from our good friend, The Sneaky Production Assistant, who tells her she must write a note too! But Butterface gets it – she writes Bret a breezy little “Can’t wait to spend time with you” on heart shaped paper.
But that isn’t enough for her. When Butterface goes to put her note to Bret’s door, she spies Rode Hard’s chicken scratch pinned up to the door…and she rips it down! If she was really so secure, she wouldn’t have had to do it, but…
…all’s fair in skanks and war, I guess.
Outside at the pool, Rode Hard is stressing over her note to Granny 2.0. Rode Hard wanted to make sure her blue magic marker scribbled “URGENT” didn’t sound crazy. No, not at all, what would make her even think that? So Rode Hard goes back to check on her note, but it’s gone!
Then Rode Hard notices Butterface’s note seems to have replaced hers. I’m hoping she kicks Butterface’s ass, but she simply asks Butterface if she took her note off the door. Butterface denies it. She says she doesn’t know if Rode Hard believes her or not, but that it doesn’t matter. Butterface, you are one quality ho.
So Rode Hard writes another note, more blue magic marker, more ripped out notebook paper, only this time, she sends the note through the door. But she’s not match for sneaky Butterface, who spies the note between the door, plucks it out, and shoves it under a protective plexiglass guitar case. Meanwhile, Rode Hard continues sweating it out with Granny 2.0 and Cross Eyed Soccer Mom, who sympathetically tell her that perhaps Big John did something with her note.
“Did you have an awesome time?” Bret asks Muppet, as they arrive home after their date. Muppet is dressed up like a stripper, and she goes to her room to change into some leopard print lingerie, purchased at the super fancy whore store. Bret’s tired, but the hos want to party, and there are contractual obligations to be met…so he parties with ‘em. They all sit around the table, and ask him how the date was. “For anyone who’s not Daisy, it was horrible,” he tells them.
Am I wearing too much?
It’s obvious to Rode Hard (and anyone else who lives in the world) that Bret is attracted to Muppet. She’s still stressing. The party moves to the pool table, which is trimmed in some left over leopard print from Bret’s apparent closet makeover. Granny 2.0 also hasn’t had time with Bret, but unlike Rode Hard, she’s not writing psycho ransom notes. She plays pool, and tells Bret that if she makes the next shot, she gets five minutes of alone time with him. Cool move…if she makes the shot, that is.
And she does! That was so Original Grandma Rodeo of her. She gets her five minutes, and she’s thrilled. I would have bet for a little longer than five, but some skanks are happy to take what they can get, I guess. Granny is annoying, and reminiscent of Peggy Bundy, says one of the hos. Actually, now that they mention it, I can kind of see that too.
Once she gets him alone, Granny follows the trend, and immediately wants to know if he feels a connection. What is with these girls? Bret’s not that complicated you know, just jump him, he’ll feel it. He tells her she’s obviously beautiful, but he needs to figure something out about her. Translated: No, not really, but we’ve got nine more episodes to make happen here, so I’m gonna keep stringing you along.
He kisses Granny for good measure, and also cause, well, it’s Bret and that’s what he does. Granny says it’s dreamy and her heart just goes crazy. Schoolgirl sentiments from fifty-somethings are kind of lame, but I’m still impressed with the shot she made to get herself there, so I’ll let it slide. And mid-kiss…in comes Muppet. OK, now she’s just being greedy. She already had the whole day with him.
I taste Ensure. Is that me or you?
Bret tells Muppet to wait for a few minutes, but she doesn’t want to take no for an answer, so she stands there pouting and making an ass of herself. I think Muppet’s on thin ice after her mind-numbingly pathetic attempts at grown up conversation, and if I was her, I’d play it cool now, but Muppet keeps standing there, whining that Granny is ruining everything. Whatever, Grandmas can be mean bitches sometimes.
And after his makeout session with the crypt keeper, Bret’s ready for bed. Hey, he’s no spring chicken either. But there’s Muppet, moping at his door. Where’s Big John? Shouldn’t he be on ho patrol, guarding that door? They’re obviously not paying him to just stand there and look pretty. Muppet is denied. And even though she spent the whole day with him, she’s still gonna complain about it. “Omigod, did I do something wrong? Did I say something wrong?” she panics. Well, whatever it was, if you just don’t talk anymore that’ll stop it from happening again.
Oh, and the note on the door drama doesn’t get any more screen time, and I’m annoyed. Good drama right there, and no one does anything about it. Where was Sneaky PA? Making two girls write love notes is only half the job, you gotta follow up and turn it into a bitch fight, otherwise it’s a complete waste of manipulation. Reality Show Production 101, people.
The next morning, the hos are looking harsh. Harsher than usual. Cross Eyed Soccer Mom’s injuries are hurting her so bad, and she didn’t even win the date. Bummer. But SheMale Inna, Bisexual Destiney and Germy Joe have their date with Bret, and ugh, it’s another extreme sports one.
Guest star: Inna’s sister
Naturally, the hos are all fake excited to be brought to a dirty track for their date. Bret pulls up in a bright yellow (rented) Lotus, and tells them he’s going to teach them to drive and haul ass. But of course he’s got to costume them up first. They get some skintight racing suits on, and Bret tells us he’s some kind of secret agent named Double Oh Rock.
Bisexual and Germy each hop in the car and take off, which leaves them exactly two seconds with Bret. Although he does comment that they look hot, as he eats their dust. SheMale’s the only one thinking, and even though based on the motorcycle challenge, I’m pretty sure she knows exactly what she’s doing behind the wheel, she tells Bret he’s going to have to teach her. That’s my girl / boy!
And her strategy totally works! Bret hops in the car with her and flat out admits he can’t concentrate on anything cause he’s too busy staring at SheMale’s chest. Nicely executed, doll. And then it’s time for a roadside picnic. Does Bret Michaels know how to romance a ho or what?
If he really felt love, he would top this all off with a trip to the three dollar movies.
Bret morphs into a gossipy high school girl, as he seems to be doing a lot this season, and he starts talking about all the other girls during lunch. Granny is a mystery, and Farmgirl is innocent and cute. Farmgirl wants to talk to you so bad, the other hos tell him, not at all worried about letting it happen. Not smart ladies, it’s always the ones who act all sweet and innocent that keep their daggers sharpest. Farmgirl’s pretty, and let’s not forget that she was savvy enough to shove her tongue down Bret’s throat on that first night, right before eliminations too. Sweet, schmeet, I wouldn’t turn my back on her for a second.
Bret’s been so busy gossiping about everyone that he’s really slacking off on his clichÃ©s this season. But he fixes that on the track, with about five in a row, starting with “This situation brings out the best and the worst in people” and ending with “You don’t have time to put on the face of a stranger.” Face Of A Stranger, another new Poison song? Actually, that’s a little deep, it would never work for Poison. Perhaps, Bop Like Strangers. Yeah, that works.
And cue Germy Joe, gabbing about her favorite topic ever, her ex-husband. Or current husband. Who knows how many past, present and future spouses she’s still in contact with. And then she lets it slips that she has not one restraining order, but two! Oh, Germy’s one of those every-ex-is-stalking-me types. I have a friend like that. I ran into one of her exes a few years ago, and when I mentioned it to her, her first comment was a terrified, “Tell him I’m married!” But you’re not married, I pointed it. “It doesn’t matter, just tell him that so he doesn’t use you to contact me!” But he didn’t even ask about you, I said, not trying to be mean, but also trying to point out how ridiculous she was. Didn’t matter. So being the good friend I am, I dutifully reported to the guy the next time I saw him, “You know she’s married now,” to which he replied, “That crazy bitch? Don’t even say her name around me, or she’ll call the cops and tell them I’m stalking her.”
I think that camera man’s staring at me.
Anyway, Germy goes on and on about her ex, and how they still email with each other. Bret tells her she has to be able to take care of that stuff, but Germy replies that it takes time. Well Germy, you don’t have time. You have eight other hos just waiting for you to slip up, and a resurrected hair bander with an ego that simply isn’t going to tolerate this for much longer. Germy reminds us that she’s there for the right reasons – I’m not sure if fifteen minutes of reality show fame and a chance at a rebound rocker count as the “right reasons”, but whatever, we’re still stuck with her for now.
Back at the Ho House, Rode Hard is now a basket case. Farmgirl comes over to ask if she’s OK. Rode Hard just wants some one on one time with him. She knows he likes her, but is that enough to keep her, she wonders. “Well, I’ll let you collect your thoughts,” says Farmgirl sweetly, and trots off to work on her evil plan to off the other hos and snag Bret.
And I guess Rode Hard’s been on Bret’s mind too, cause as soon as he gets home from the date at the track, he grabs her and tells her, “We gotta talk.” Rode Hard and Bret go to his room, and Rode Hard immediately bursts into tears. “There’s so much inside of me,” she wails, and he holds her, undoubtedly thinking, oh no, not another one. Sorry, but Flasher never, never, would have pulled this crap.
Rode Hard wants to know if Bret’s attracted to her. His answer starts with, “Don’t take this wrong…” and then segues into something about not wanting to cross a line of friendship with her, otherwise they end up as “friends who fuck”. Translated: No, not really, but we’ve got nine more episodes to make happen here, so I’m gonna keep stringing you along.
Oh no. Please no. JOHN!
But all this double talk seems to soothe Rode Hard, who seems really relieved after he pretty much tells her she’s in the Just Friends column. He didn’t even kiss her! But they agree that they’re glad they got to talk, and Rode Hard leaves the room.
And then it’s time for another ho to go! Granny is worried that she hasn’t won any competitions, and that she’s only one of two slags he hasn’t had a date with. Butterface tells us she and Bret have a mental, Superman, psychological connection. Which doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, but it doesn’t really matter cause the only connection she has with him really is her hot bod. And Rode Hard is still harping on making a deeper connection.
Bret comes out in an ensemble so normal that I didn’t even take notes on it. At this point, I’m convinced the animal print and flame painted items are gone for good, and I am beyond depressed over it. You know that old adage, careful what you wish for?
The recent fashion improvement has left me empty and numb.
The first pass goes to someone who really put on a valiant effort in the Mud Bowl, and is the MVP of the losing team. It’s Cross Eyed Soccer Mom! She’s thrilled to have received the first pass. You know I love to rag on her casserole baking, mini-van driving ass, but even though CESM hasn’t had much alone time with Bret either, you never hear her bitching about it. I might be starting to come around on this one.
Next pass goes to Bisexual Destiney, who did a great job at football and racing. Then comes another pass for great effort, and someone who’s head he wants to “dive into” – it’s Germy Joe, her two restraining orders, and all her ex and current husbands. Yeah, she really is a keeper.
Rode Hard is starting to panic. If she gets eliminated, she tells us she’s really going to regret not spending more time with him. Now you know I like Rode Hard, but this simpering attitude gets on my nerves. Rode Hard’s no dummy, she sees how it works, you’ve got to be aggressive with him! The Ego ain’t chasing your fifty-year old ass anywhere. Plus, she’s broken out a really ugly hot pink button down shirt from K-Mart’s Western Wear On The Town! collection that’s certainly not doing her any favors.
I’m not sleepin’, I’m watchin’ Matlock behind my eyes.
The next pass goes to the “only girl who put a letter on my door.” And it’s Butterface! Rode Hard’s wondering what the hell, and the fact that Bret specifically said “the only girl” makes me think that the note on the door escapade is going to come back around, but in the meantime, Butterface prances down in another barely there outfit to collect her pass. “He wants to date me, not my grandmother,” Butterface snidely remarks. Rode Hard, will you please beat her ass down? Isn’t it a matter of pride?
The next pass goes to SheMale, who he says won’t be winning any Nascar races soon. Then comes Farmgirl, who answers his request to stay in rock his world with another irritatingly perky, “You know it!” And then it’s down to three. The next girl came to his room and broke through, so he wants to give her another chance to get to know him. It’s Granny 2.0.
And then he tells us we are left with two beautiful girls. I say we’re left with one Muppet, and one really ugly shirt. Rode Hard is freaked out, and the pressure is getting to her. Muppet too is freaking out, “There’s like, no way!” she articulates. Bret knows that Muppet kicked ass at the Mud Bowl, and that Rode Hard is a good soul. And he knows what he’s feeling, and he knows it’s about to come down.
Maybe you should ask him a few more questions.
Muppet is literally shaking, and I feel for her. Yeah, she’s brain dead and annoying, but she’s really got it for him. And then, Bret calls Rode Hard! He tells her if she feels that they’ve made a connection, then he wants to keep her here. Of course she says yes. OK, Rode Hard, one more chance, but if you want him bad enough, you better be scratching at his door in a cheap satin nightie immediately, if not sooner.
Can I also point out that Bret has once again painted on full make up for eliminations? The guyliner I can live with, he’s been doing it since the eighties, and it’s actually back in fashion now, but lavender eye shadow? I don’t care how many skanks you’ve done, that’s just totally fucking gay.
And it looks like Muppet’s gone. “Buh bye,” says Granny meanly. But something’s not sitting right with me on this one. Yes, she annoyed the hell out of him on their date, but there’s no denying Muppet’s been getting all the time with him, and he never shuts up about how hot he finds her cat lady plastic surgery. And sure enough, they’ve never done this before, and it goes against everything he’s supposed to do…but it felt so good to save the best for last – Muppet gets to stay! VH1 and their dating show rules won’t hold Bret Michaels down!
Everyone is shocked! Muppet promises to stay and rock his world forever and ever – well, at least ’til the taping ends and he goes back to the Valley and his wife and kids. Bret reminds us what a big rock n’ roll rebel he is, by breaking all the rules and not eliminating anyone, but he just couldn’t let any of them go.
With the money from the extra episode, I vow to buy better doll hair.
But he does want them to know that they need to make an effort to win challenges – he’s talking to you, Granny, Rode Hard and Farmgirl. Don’t slack off and then complain that you never got a chance with him. Get in there, hos!
And then he tells them that as payback for tonight’s freebie, there will be two skanks eliminated next week. Rode Hard is immediately nervous, and tells us that with those odds, the door is wide open to any mistake. Nice defeatist attitude. Muppet says she went from the most scared she ever was to the most happy she ever was. She promises to try even harder to win his heart, and he gives her a big reassuring hug. I love how he plays this dopey ho.
Well, next week’s really gonna rock cause it’s the return of my all time favorite ever, Grandma Rodeo! There’s rodeo riding and pig wrestling, and Bret’s wearing a neon blue bandana and all I have to say is Yee-Haw! Kisses ’til then…