Rock Of Love: Ho Down

Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, it’s the return of one of my all time favorite hos, Grandma Rodeo! And I’m sure some unfortunate choices in western wear. Slap on your airbrushed cowboy hats dolls, and get ready to rock and ride…

Come on, Rode Hard, beauty sleep won’t help you this late in the game.

This morning is the hos’ worst nightmare – Bret comes in to do the wake up call personally! That’s right skanks, he’s gonna see you with no makeup and weaves all askew…actually, come to think of it, it will be pretty much like looking at a mirror for him. But still, scary! Rode Hard Peyton does a nosedive into her covers to hide the horror.

Once Bret’s done with his trip through the fun house to wake everyone up, Big John requests their presence in the “for-yay”. He still can’t pronounce it, and I’m still wondering why he can’t just call it the hallway. Don’t get fancy on my ass BJ, you got nothing to prove.

Afterwards, we will retire to the pantry to forage for a nibble.

Today’s clue says that Bret’s heart belongs to rock and roll, but he’s still a country boy deep down. Something about saddling up, and Granny Catherine 2.0′s all aflutter. Granny grew up on horses, she loves horses. She’s so 4H. She feels like she finally caught a break, and she’s seriously excited. Everyone gets a pair of boots, and they’re on their way.

They meet up with Bret at the Ho-K Corral, and Bret warns us that if any of the ladies can’t handle themselves in the corral, they won’t be riding off into the sunset with lil’ ol’ him. Again, I’m out. Hand me a tissue, so I can stop the tears from flowing. He also reminds everyone that the only way he gets to out with them is if they win challenges and win dates. Granny says it’s just her and Farmgirl Jess who are the only two who haven’t had dates with him yet. We know, we know.

Then Bret introduces us to a woman of “insanity and stature” – and we are in a rodeo after all…and it’s Original Grandma Rodeo! Grandma comes streaming out on her horse with her crazy cackle. Yee haw! Can she bring this Coma of Love back to life? First she tells the hos they look great, then she says “NOT!”, then she tells them she was playing and they look beautiful. Whew.

I will be making coffee mugs that say “HO DOWN” and selling them on Ebay. I am a business woman! Bwahahahahahah!!!

Grandma tells us how to play rodeo. First event is roping a steer, and second event is barrel riding around the already-let-go hos, or as they call it, “Fallen Angels” – Fallen Angel is another Poison classic. Bret’s gonna take his residuals where he can get ‘em, you know. The final event has to do with stealing away bandanas off greased pigs. Greased pigs. You’ve got to really want this old rocker. I mean really, really want him.

Bret and Rodeo tell the hos to pick team captains, and after much, much discussion, it’s Granny 2.0 and Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre. They do a scientific round of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who gets first pick of teammate. Granny takes it, and she thinks it’s all gonna go her way. Granny’s team is Muppet Daisy, Rode Hard Peyton and SheMale Inna. CESM’s team is Germy Joe, Bisexual Destiney and Farmgirl Jessica.

And guess who’s left out in the cold again? That’s right, it’s Butterface Megan. Of course she tells us it’s on account of her hotness. No, actually hon, when no one wants you on their team, it’s cause they don’t like you. Bret politely informs her that cause all the other skanks hate her, and last week she didn’t even get a chance to compete for a date, Butterface can pick her own team. Butterface isn’t deaf or stupid, and she’s heard Granny Mountain carrying on all day about horses, horses, horses, so she chooses Team Granny.

Don’t hate me because I’m kinda almost sorta pretty in a way.

Granny tells us she’s doing the barrel racing – “no brainer”, she throws in confidently, and they’re “gonna destroy ‘em”. She tells us she has the dream team. You know, Rock of Love tricked me with this a few weeks ago during the motorcycle challenge, so normally I’d say they were setting us up for Team Granny to lose, but now who knows. Sneaky producers, throwing us off the scent of “reality”.

And then it’s time to start the race. “On your mark, get set, Rodeo!” Original Grandma Rodeo yells, totally name checking herself. Rode Hard and Germy are first up, and they have to rope a fake steer. Rode Hard tells us she’s gonna “throttle it, like I do everything”. Rode Hard, have you been prancing around in lingerie and sticking your tongue down Bret throat at random moments? No. No, you have not. So, “throttlin’ it”? Not so much.

But anyway, Germy and Rode Hard are pretty much neck and neck, and at some point Germy’s horse, so obviously embarrassed to have gotten roped (hee hee) into this mess, takes off. CESM flips out. I say, good for you, horse.

Then it’s time for Granny vs. CESM in the barrel racing. I don’t even know what barrel racing is, but it looks like they just ride their horses around some barrels. Thrilling. At one point, Granny and CESM cross paths, and Granny has to make the gut wrenching decision of whether to cut CESM off and possibly spook her horse, or take the loser’s route around. Granny takes the long way. She picked a horse’s feelings over Bret? Granny may as well just ride that horse on back to Nowhere in the Middle and call it a day.

Do you love me enough to butt munch a pig for me?

But by the end of the barrel racing, it’s once again all tied up, and it all comes down to the greased pigs. Bret laughs his ass off at his skanks chasing a bunch of greased pigs around. Farmgirl says she’s been chasing Bret around for weeks, so she thinks she can catch a pig. This show gives you the skills you need in life, girls. I hope everyone’s paying attention.

Muppet informs us that she thinks the pigs went to “college or something” cause they’re smarter than they look. It’s downright depressing that Muppet finds greased pigs smarter than her, but she doesn’t seem bothered by it, so I guess I won’t be either.

The greased pigs are going bandana-less one by one, and then it comes down to the final two pigs versus SheMale and Farmgirl. Granny is getting nervous for SheMale because she’s stalking her pig and that doesn’t really seem the way to go about this.

Farmgirl, on the other hand, goes after her pig with abandon. Farmgirl’s here to play, she’s just been biding her time. And Farmgirl wins the last bandana, taking it for her whole team! Original Grandma Rodeo and Bret decide that Farmgirl is the MVP, and will be getting the solo date. “You can’t lose all the time!” chirps Farmgirl happily.

Tell that to the little fella Big Johns gonna eat later. Just like his mommy, and his brother, and his daddy, and his cousin….

Oh, but wait, you can. And then we cut to Granny. “Four losses,” she sobs. Rode Hard doesn’t look to happy either. And Bret wants to make sure that everyone knows that no greased pigs were hurt in the making of this challenge. He doesn’t say whether any of them contracted any herpes though. I’m assuming they did, he just didn’t want to highlight it.

Back at the house, CESM is examining her injuries. She thinks she’s hurt the worst of anyone in the house. But CESM’s self pity party’s got nothing on Granny 2.0, who sulks and whines. “Who goes 0 for 4?” she wonders continuously. You do, Granny! “Horses, are you kidding me?” she laments. SheMale makes a half-hearted attempt at cheering Granny up, but then it looks like she bores of it and just walks away.

Rode Hard picks up where SheMale left off, with lame attempts like “Don’t look at it pessimistically” and “Just suck it up”, but Granny’s not hearing anything, and Rode Hard’s got her own loser ass to worry about. Finally, Granny storms off saying she’s so upset she can’t even smoke a cigarette. See, getting blown off by Bret Michaels is good for your health.

That night, it’s a group date dinner with Bachelor Bret, Germy Joe, Bisexual and Cross Eyed Soccer Mom. Bret takes them to a restaurant that I’m 99% sure I’ve seen on some other reality show down the line called Opaque. It’s dining in the dark. Always a gimmick with these dates.

What Bret likes about dining in the dark is that he can’t see their bumps and bruises. The maitre’d at Opaque looks like Michael Bolton, and makes them form a little conga line to lead each other into the black room. Germy tells us that dinner is sure to be interesting, and she’s just gonna have fun, she doesn’t care.

And sure enough, the moment they’re in the dark room, Germy Joe is all over Bret! Even he comments that normally she doesn’t even like to touch him, but I guess she’s lost her inhibitions in the dark. Although at one point, he says it turned into a kickboxing match. She was kicking him? Tres sandbox. But whatever. Bret says he’d like to say it was a turn on…but it wasn’t.

Of course CESM is all suitably appalled at whatever’s going on over at the other side of the table, but then Bisexual and Germy go to the bathroom at the same time and all of the sudden making out at the dinner table is no prob for CESM. We hear tribal music as Bret and CESM make out. Germy and Bisexual come back, and they’re still making out. CESM is holding her time with Bret sacred, like a cherished butterfly.

When the group gets back to the house, Bret knows that the other hos want to spend time with him, but for some reason, all he wants is Germy. No one’s too happy about this. SheMale’s pissed. CESM says she’s above it and can’t even talk about it. Germy wraps up in one of the leopard print blankets from the Bret Michaels Home Collection, now available at JC Penny, and heads to his room. I don’t understand the hold this high maintenance head case has over him.

But then Bret clears it up for us. He wants to be with Germy, but he feels she’s not emotionally available. He doesn’t want her to go, but he can’t keep her there. In other words, it’s all BS but Germy’s good drama and the other hos hate her, so she gets to stay around as long as she likes.

Fred Flinstone cheated on me so I killed his ass and now I wear his clothes just to remind every cave man I meet just who they’re dealing with.

Also, while he admits she’s “emotionally unstable”, he loves crazy girls, he can deal with it, it’s – you guessed it – a turn on. He asks her to just “lay with me” and watch a movie. So lame. But I guess when you’re Bret Michaels and the skanks are there for the show named after you, you don’t have to put much effort into tricking a ho into spending the night. Germy agrees…as long as they lock the door. So as not disturb the cuddling and the movie, of course.

Of all the pissed off hos, Muppet is the most upset. Conveniently forgetting the monopoly she had on him for the whole show so far, she’s very upset that Germy is spending time with Bret. Apparently, they’re already in love or something, she snips. Germy finally emerges from Bret’s room, with the leopard print blanket still wrapped around her, cause you know that ho’s naked underneath. She says they got really close (they did it) and she felt a connection (she got off) and she’s scared (of STDs).

And the morning after, we’re back to Granny 2.0 and her sad sack routine. Only that’s not a sad sack routine…it’s bacon! And eggs! And a humongous bottle of Coffeemate! Granny’s cookin’ up some breakfast. That’s right, since she hasn’t won a single date, she decided to make her own damn date. Go Granny!

Butterface is predictably an asshole about it, and says Granny should be shot and put out of her misery, which was kind of low and mean even for Butterface. But Granny is full steam ahead with Plan Breakfast. She knocks on Bret’s door, but no answer. Bret is snoring away. Granny gets tired of knocking, and finally just busts in and wakes him with a “Did I wake you?” I’m scanning the bed like crazy, wanting to see how fast he can get that wig back on straight, but I guess BJ buys the good glue cause it stays put.

And speaking of BJ, I’m kind of wondering where the hell he is, for a change. Isn’t the first rule of the house no entering Bret’s room without permission? Well, whose job is it to stand guard? Bret points out the same broken rule, but he’s happy that the girls are taking it upon themselves to make time with him. Brettina needs to be courted.

BJ has other Babes to ready for his boss’ consupmtion.

Granny wants Bret to know how disappointed she was to have lost the horse challenge. It broke her heart, she informs him. I know, he replies, munching away on bacon. She doesn’t want him to base all his decisions of the challenges. Then, Granny inexplicably tells him that she’s not going to settle. “And on that note…” Bret says. And then he kicks her out. Thanks for feeding him Granny, but he’s got a date with Farmgirl now.

Overall, Granny’s satisfied with her time with Bret. She knows she’s pushing herself on him, but thinks she leveled the playing field. Well, it sure didn’t hurt. Meanwhile, Farmgirl is worried about her date. What if there’s no connection?

But she’s wearing her cute farmgirl skirt, and when they get to their date he gives her a piggyback ride, so I wouldn’t be worried about that connection thing if I was her. The date is paintball. Thrilling. But Farmgirl is excited. And you know, Farmgirl’s actually pretty good at paintball. See, I told you we needed to keep an eye on her. Plus, she makes out with Bret during target practice.

It’s Bret and Farmgirl against BJ, who’s a former US Marine, and a sniper. Who knew Bret needed hardcore security? Poison hos must get really nuts. Bret and Farmgirl vow to protect each other, and then she makes out with him again. Farmgirl is no dummy. She runs around hitting targets left and right, while Bret sits behind a wall and shouts instructions. It’s hard to tell if she’s really good at paintball, or if they’re letting her win, but either way, everyone’s happy.

After the paintball match, it’s lunch on the side of the mountain. Well, that actually sounds a little nice. Better than lunch on the side of the racetrack, that’s for sure. Bret wastes no time stirring the shit up, and asks Farmgirl if she has real feelings for him. Well of course she does. It’s what, Day Seven of the smelliest date ever, and she’s said a grand total of three words to him…why yes, I’m sure those feelings are serious like a heart attack.

She tells him he makes her feel safe. But is safe sexy, he queries. Gotta start planning ahead for when he inevitably cuts her, and Bret likes to make it look real. “Strong,” Farmgirl clarifies firmly, “Like take me on the bed and ravage me strong.” Well played, Farmy.

You make me feel safe in that scabby, leaky, maybe I’ll just build up a resistance to every germ ever born kind of a way.

Back at the Skank Shack, Butterface and Muppet park it outside Bret’s door in bikinis and wait for him to come home from his date. When he does, Farmgirl tells everyone it was the best date ever! It was everything she could have hoped for! Butterface and Muppet make out with Bret briefly, but then he takes his tongue back cause he’s got a big decision to make.

And then it’s elimination time. Germy is really confident, she feels they’re moving past the drama. Except all Germy’s drama is the self-created variety, which means you never get past it, but whatever, I’m sure she’s staying. SheMale is nervous cause they haven’t spent that much time together lately, and she worries their connection is fading. And Granny’s still bitching about how every single ho on earth has had a date with Bret and she has not.

Bret’s ensemble is layered, and it’s a good look. But he’s got me with a neon blue bandana! Hey, we take what we can get. The first pass goes to the girl who stepped it up, and that’s Farmgirl. Bisexual thinks Farmgirl is too sweet and innocent for him. Sweet and innocent like a fox, honey.

The next pass goes to the girl who kisses amazing in the dark. Germy smiles smugly, but it’s Cross Eyed Soccer Mom’s pass. Heehee. Germy’s pissed. Muppet and Butterface are next, and then comes the super hot rock chick, where Peyton gets her smug smile on, but wrong again. That one was for Bisexual Destiney.

Rode Hard tells us that she’s more than a super hot rock chick! And she’s hoping for another chance. How many chances does Rode Hard need to mope around the house all day complaining that she just needs another chance? How many, dammit? Rode Hard’s a good egg, but I’m over it.

Finally, Germy gets her pass. SheMale is mad at her for stealing all the time with Bret. Also, SheMale doesn’t yet have a pass. Bret thinks Germy is beautiful. Germy says the energy changes when she gets her pass. “It’s not my fault if Bret likes me. Get over it, ladies,” Germy brags.

Three beautiful women, Bret tells us. Rode Hard, Granny and SheMale. SheMale gets called first, but she isn’t sure if it’s for a pass or for an elimination…but it’s a pass! He wants to know if she’s attracted to him. Duh. She assures him she is. “Then you need to come back to the game,” he admonishes her. SheMale’s up to the challenge. She vows to get her connection back.

I hope Elvis picks me I hope Elvis picks me I hope Elvis picks mzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Rode Hard gets called down to say goodbye first. He tells her she looks beautiful, it’s only gonna get more difficult, and he can’t stand keeping her here and having it end disastrously. Huh? It’s not a cop out, he quickly adds. Sure sounded like one to me, but hey, when the hos gotta go…

“Maybe under different circumstances?” Rode Hard grasps desperately. Sure, different place, different time, Bret consoles her. Why not, only other time he’s ever gonna see this ho is at the reunion special. Doesn’t hurt to leave her feeling special. Rode Hard says she was busting her ass, but that can only take you so far. Well, if whining all day long about how you haven’t had time with him and how you just need one more day is considered “busting your ass”, then she’s right. That can only take you so far. To the front door. And not an inch further.

Ah well, at least now you can go back to being David Bowie’s stand in.

While Rode Hard looked “beautiful”, Granny looks “stunning”. He tells her he just didn’t get to know her. She tells him it’s cool, and she’s got mad respect for him. And then she leaves with her black pantyhose and white shoes. Granny feels sick, and she reminds us for the ninety-billionth time that all the other girls had dates with him but she didn’t. She knows that there are other girls there who don’t want him as much as she does, but he’ll just have to figure that out for himself.

Well, I had high hopes for the return of Grandma Rodeo, but our five minutes with her were somewhat of a disappointment. Now all we have to hope for is the second coming of Flasher. I pray for her return, and I pray that she will be wearing a spangly stripper gown when she does. Next week Bret wears a ridiculous cowboy hat and then he rolls his eyes like crazy during eliminations. Rock and roll ’til then dolls…

Did I win?