Welcome back to Rock of Love! This week, we get patriotic, there’s a big fight and I change horses. Wait, I never really had a horse here. I’m still waiting for the second coming of Flasher. But I do change my mind about one of the hos. Pour a shot (or nine) and come along…
Glad to see Sally Jesse Raphael hasn’t given up on us.
The first thing I notice when we get back with our hos is the jumbo sized Bret Brew beer can in the backyard. I don’t know how I missed this! A huge, blow-up beer can in the yard must be some special feng shui for 80′s rockers, much like a water feature is for most people. Or like a huge, diamond encrusted bottle of Veuve would be for me.
The Incredible Shrinking Woman is a drunk raspy voiced slut.
The first ho we catch up with is SheMale Inna. SheMale’s worried that she and Bret have lost their connection. Has the Ukrainian Love Tank run out of gas? She makes an appearance at the pool, where Bret is busy pretending he actually spent the night and wasn’t bussed in from his McMansion in the Valley, and tells him of her concerns.
SheMale’s never been in the situation where she likes someone, but she has to share him. Bret sympathizes, but points out that he has to get to know everybody. He tells us that at first, SheMale was great energy, great attitude, and lots of fun. But now, she’s dropping out on him. He tells her he doesn’t need a parade, or a sign outside his window – a television show named after him will do just fine – but he needs her to step up to the plate and take a swing.
Later that morning, Big John tells the hos to gather in the living room, which I am happy to report he correctly pronounces, for the day’s clue. Muppet Daisy reads it. It’s something about red, white and blue, cause Bret’s patriotic. The hos are stumped, but then Bret appears to tell them to get ready and meet him in the “Grand Hall”. Fancy, fancy. But I’m having a hard time reconciling the “Grand Hall” with the huge blow-up beer can in the yard. It’s like calling the little part of the trailer where the ho does a drunken striptease “The Ballroom”.
When they arrive at the Hall of Grandness, the skanks are greeted by hula-hoops, puppets, a drum and two older ladies. One of them is dressed age and rocker appropriately in a leopard print top and white slacks. The other is in a leotard with high cut sides. Listen lady, it didn’t work for Madonna, and it doesn’t work for you. But it’s a trip to look at.
You’re never too old for herpes.
Bret reminds the hos that he and Big John support their troops – in fact, he just got back from a trip to Iraq where he played some shows for them. You just know he hung out for hours afterwards, drinking beers and shooting the shit with the troops fighting for us, and that’s why Barbie wig and all, you can’t help but love the guy.
Well, the two gentlewomen are Shirley and Arlene, and they’ve been performing for the troops since 1956! Today, the seven remaining skanks will be split into three groups of two, and one solo act, and create a USO style performance. A patriotic singing and dancing challenge! Finally, something I can get behind! This could get interesting.
Butterface Megan teams up with Farmgirl Jessica to do the hula-hoop. Bisexual Destiney and SheMale Inna team up to a dance. Germy Joe knows that no one wants to play with her, but Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, who surely was the nice girl in school who invited everyone to her birthday party, sucks it up and joins Germy. This leaves Muppet on her own to sing. Muppet is ecstatic to be on her own with a song, but I’m remembering her breathy, off-key peep show routine, and I’m not so sure this was the best plan.
Don’t get too cocky. Janis is nothing without Monster.
Bisexual and SheMale are to be trained by Leotard Lady Arlene (hey, just cause she’s a day player doesn’t mean she doesn’t rate a nickname) and man, Leotard Lady’s tough! Over and down! Head up and smile! Twist to the left, head up and don’t laugh! That one’s for SheMale, who can’t stop giggling throughout the rehearsal. “Get with it and stop giggling!” Leotard Lady snaps at her. Forget Bret, someone needs to send this broad overseas – I bet you she could tidy up Iraq in five minutes flat.
Butterface and Farmgirl are going to recite the Preamble to the Constitution while hula-hooping. I hate to say this about anything Butterface does, but it’s a pretty cute idea. Unfortunately, while Butterface may be street smart, she is also illiterate. She explains to us that the problem isn’t just that she has to memorize the Preamble, she’s also learning new words. She stumbles over “posterity” about a hundred times. Shockingly, she does not supply “hotness” as an excuse for her stupidity.
Germy and CESM are stumped when it comes to their routine. Actually, CESM is fine, because she’s going to do a tap dance, but Germy’s not sure where she fits in. Can’t dance, can’t sing, can’t do anything remotely likeable. Why is she here again? Oh yeah, crazy. CESM, who I am growing to love today, stays positive. She’s had her issues with Germy, but she’s determined to work together and win this thing!
You can always marry someone and get them to ask a judge for a restraining order. That’s a talent.
Muppet wanted the solo act so she could win a solo date. It is by far the smartest thing she has ever said – maybe one of last week’s college educated pigs taught her something? She will be treating us to her rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. “This is working out great!” Muppet tell us. And then she starts singing. Not so much, doll.
They get the five-minute warning, and Leotard Lady yells, “Get your fishnets on!” I love Leotard Lady. When this franchise inevitably morphs into Rock of Love Charm School, I really hope they offer her the Mo’Nique role. Butterface tells us that she’s nervous cause she doesn’t know the words, but she thinks they have a chance to win cause – you guessed it – they’re so damn cute. Ah, there’s the Butterface I know and hate.
SheMale and Bisexual are first up for rehearsal. SheMale is nervous – this is her last chance, and she knows it. Unfortunately, when they get to the stage in their high heels, the routine completely falls apart. Leotard Lady is NOT HAPPY. And she does not mince words letting them know. SheMale doesn’t want to hear it. She tells Leotard Lady to stop being so mean, and then she peels off a “fuck you” to her. Not nice, SheMale. CESM is appalled. Of course CESM respects her elders. She says that they’ve worked really hard to help, and it’s not right to disrespect them.
Before the hos take the stage, Leotard Lady reminds them that there are veterans out there who apparently take their fake USO performances very seriously. “If the girl next to you faints, don’t step on her, but keep going!” Leotard Lady yells at the hos. Words to live by. Leotard Lady absolutely needs her own show.
Someone on the editing team must have been bored, cause they actually made in intro with graphics and everything! “It’s Bret Michaels’ Rockin’ USO-ish Style Show!” an announcer booms, while patriotic rocker graphics dance across our screens. It’s fabulous!
Our host is Bill Dwyer, who I’m pretty sure I know from Last Comic Standing. Thank heavens for the continued domination of reality shows. What other outlet would reality show stars have to extend their fifteen minutes? Just ask Ashley Paige and her ugly swimwear. I thought we were done with her after The Hills and Rock of Love Part One, but her bitch ass popped up on the Kardashians’ show a few months ago too. I fully expect to find her doing a whipped cream bikini challenge on the WE Network in the near future.
Ho, a deer, a slut ass deer…
CESM and Germy are up first. CESM is “totally nervous – we need to set the bar, and we need to set it high” she tells us. Their act is called Stars and Taps. CESM is an annoyingly great tap dancer, which I’m sure surprises no one, but Germy was, in Bret’s own words, “like a monkey on crack”.
Next up are Butterface and Farmgirl, who have been christened Hula Hoops For Our Troops. The first thing they do when they hit the stage is strip down to their bikinis. Butterface reviewed her Bret Michaels Handbook, and is decked out in the same American flag bikini that she wore for the Peep Show challenge. And Farmgirl actually owns a farmgirl style bikini, denim with ruffles at the bottom. I have not seen this kind of commitment to a look since Flasher and her spangly stripper gowns. And speaking of….when, VH1, when? Flasher would have rocked this USO challenge – flashed her tatters, and taken it home. You know she would have.
Butterface kind of stumbles through her part of the routine, but Farmgirl does just fine. “Ahhh, the patriotism in the room,” Bret tells us, “The general and I – we salute you.” Ew. The old dude sitting next to Bret is practically crying with laughter.
Bisexual and SheMale are up next, and they are called The Rock Of Love Rockettes. And oh my. They throw Leotard Lady’s head up and smile routine out the window, bend over and start stripping. Leotard Lady is horrified! I’m a little bummed myself, that little kick to the left routine looked kind of fun. Farmgirl jumps up on her high horse to tell us that even though she and Butterface did a striptease too, “There’s a classy way to do something and a trashy way to do something,” she sniffs. Not on this show, sweetie.
I haven’t been this shocked since Angela Lansbury left Murder She Wrote for no good reason.
Their routine is met with dead, awkward silence. “The vets I’m sitting with have seem some horrific things,” Bret tells us, “but Destiney and Inna are the most horrific of all.” Uh-oh. Things are not looking good for The Tank.
But the horror doesn’t end there, cause then it’s Muppet’s turn to shine, shine, shine! She’s really nervous, but not as much cause she’s following the awful striptease. The two big issues with Muppet’s routine, Farmgirl tells us (has she been speaking up today or what?) are that Muppet’s tone deaf and she doesn’t know the words. But Muppet actually looks pretty cute in her little white sailor outfit. And I love how when the National Anthem starts, all the Vets automatically stand up. Even when it’s a whore singing it.
Muppet tells us that she’s proud of herself cause she never sang in public before (What? No! Really?), and she also never sang the Star Spangled Banner before either (Seriously? I’m shocked!). Either way, I’m not hearing anything in this performance to be proud of. But I’ll give a little leeway to Muppet cause she’s sort of cute and she tries and she clearly rode the short bus to the Rock of Love house.
What, was Yankee Diddle Daddy taken?
Bret says the Vets get to decide the winner. Each and every ho appears on screen to tell us how bad they want to win. The winner will be determined by the old reliable Applause O’ Meter. Do those things really work? The Rockettes and Muppet get polite applause. Germy and CESM do a bit better, but the crowd really goes wild for Butterface and Farmgirl. Ugh. Ew. Yuck. I hate that Butterface’s theory of winning by being cute is validated, but they were the best of the bunch. If only CESM would have dumped Germy, she could have tapped her way to victory.
Bret was really proud of his hos, so he wanted to reward them with a beautiful dinner. The table is set, and it’s a celebration! But not so fast…actually, the dinner is less of a celebration, and more of a cleverly staged production trick so Bret can make his favorite attempt at ratings by stirring the shit up between hos. As soon as they sit down, Bret drills the skanks on who’s there for the wrong reasons.
Muppet’s up first. She’s closest to Bisexual, she tells Bret, and Bisexual’s definitely there for the right reasons. “Unleash!” Bret commands her. But she won’t. Neither will Butterface who echoes similar sentiments toward Farmgirl. SheMale tells him she doesn’t know anything about anything, and Bret’s getting frustrated. “I just want a little bit of information,” he whines. Translated: Mayday! Mayday! Season Two’s a total bore snore – someone get a catfight going, and fast!
And it all comes down to CESM. She gets teary, and tells Bret that she has a feeling about one person. She’s not one to throw someone under the bus, but she’s about to say the truth, she continues. Who? Who? But CESM’s gonna drag it out a little longer. This person puts on a faÃ§ade at times, and it upsets me, she says. Who are you sabotaging already, Soccer Mom? Finally, she spits it out. It’s Germy Joe, of course!
I haven’t been this shocked since Kathie Lee left Regis eating her dust.
This is where I’m really loving CESM, by the way. Who knew she’d be the one to go balls out and tell it like it is about Germy? She calls Germy out on her daily insistence that she’s leaving, and her constant passionate talk about her ex – CESM doesn’t think Germy’s over him. “You have a good heart,” CESM concludes, “but you’re not ready for this.”
Germy is appalled. She was not expecting this from CESM. She tells CESM that her opinion doesn’t matter, Bret’s does. But now that CESM’s fired up the boat, the rest of the hos are ready to waterski off the back of it like the Go-Gos. Butterface pipes in to say that Germy’s war cry is “either way” – she’s saying she doesn’t care. Then Bisexual gets in on the action, and says that while they’re all there sharing their feelings, Germy says nothing. Germy tells us she’s getting pissed at the accusations. Yeah, truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Finally, Germy smashes her hand on the table and yells, “Do you want a fucking answer or not?” Bisexual is even more infuriated. “How dare she!” Bisexual snarls. Finally, having received the signal from producers that they have enough catfight on tape, Bret interjects to tell Germy that he knows she’s not there for the hos, but is she there for him? He can’t say he buys it. And considering what Germy’s selling ain’t worth more than one thin dime, that’s saying a lot.
This should be her headshot.
Bret wraps it up with a warning that if anyone’s not here for him, he will find out – oh yes, he will find out – and they will go. The rest of the hos nod emphatically, but then Bret snaps at them that it goes for all of them. He storms away from the table saying he’s pissed and he wants to be left alone. Translation: His baby mama wants him home with her and the kids tonight, and he’s already running late.
But he doesn’t get a chance, cause five minutes later, a production assistant comes frantically chasing after him to tell him that Germy’s upstairs packing. Again. So Bret trudges back in, with the excuse that he took some time to chill, but now he needs to talk to Germy. Again.
He finds her upstairs, fake packing up all the drama. “I can’t keep being attacked,” she cries as she clings to him. Bret tells us he loves crazy girls, but this one may be too crazy for him. He takes her downstairs to talk so the other hos can’t hear. He reminds her that every other word she says is about leaving, and then tells her that she confuses the shit out of the girls and him.
“I’m competing with seven other girls for your affection, and I don’t know how you feel about me,” Germy whines. Oh, put a Lysol Wipe in it, Germy. But Bret keeps playing the game. “As attracted as I am to you, maybe wrong place, wrong time,” he tells her. “I’m scared I’m going to lose him because of other people,” Germy says. At this point, I’ve heard these two say the same things so many damn times, I’m convinced they’re reading off cue cards.
Put on some eyebrows. You’re on TV.
Meanwhile, CESM is upset about what she said about Germy. She’s distraught over betraying her roommate, and also because she’s worried that she made Bret mad. Nonsense, doll. You spoke the truth when no one else would, and Bret’s a stand up guy. I can guarantee he’s fine with it. And as for Germy? You’re better off. Butterface tells her as much.
The next day, it’s time for Bret’s date with USO-ish winners Farmgirl and Butterface. Farmgirl’s excited to get away from the drama in the house. They hit the Ed Hardy store on the sleazy side of Melrose, and meet Adam Sachs, a “custom couture artist”. In Bret’s world, this is someone who takes a normal t-shirt, and slashes it up ho-style while you’re wearing it.
Farmgirl carries on and on and on about how exciting the whole thing is, and how she’s never been on a date where the guy has gone shopping for her before. Butterface, who’s a pro at prostituting herself for free clothes, makes fun of her. But they both love how their “custom couture” shirts come out. Bret decrees that they are officially “hot and Ed Hardy designed”.
Back at the Ho Hotel, CESM is still upset about sabotaging Germy. It’s too awkward, she tells Bisexual. So she heads upstairs to talk it out with Germy, who sits on her bed, quaintly writing a letter. Germy has no interest in hashing it out with CESM, but CESM won’t leave it alone.
CESM carries on about how she wishes she could take it back, which makes me like her less. Speaking your mind and then taking it back is lamer than never saying it at all. And Germy couldn’t care less. “If she feels guilty, too bad,” she snips. And I’m no fan of Germy, but I’m with her. Don’t draw the line in the sand and then try to erase it.
Dear Caroline, the guy I want makes out with like everyone and like I can’t go home because there’s a warrant out for my arrest and I don’t have hair on my eyebrows and waaaah what do I do?
Back on the date on Melrose, Bret and his hos pile in the stretch Hummer and head out to lunch. I can’t figure out what restaurant they go to, but it actually looks nice. Farmgirl chirps about what fun the USO-ish show was, and how you could see everyone’s personality. But sneaky Butterface chimes in to tattle to Bret about SheMale’s flip out on Leotard Lady. Bret was upset that “his girl Inna” was yelling at “his girl Joan”. OK, first of all, I thought the ladies were Shirley and Arlene? And doesn’t Bret have enough hos on his hands? He’s got to add the ’56ers to his roster too?
When they get back to the house, Bret tells us that he’s heard everybody’s story, but now he needs to be alone and think this one over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here’s how it’s gonna go. The last hos standing will be Germy and someone else, and Germy gets the pass. As usual, the skanks tell us how nervous they are.
When Bret gets into the “Grand Hall”, the first thing he tells them is that he’s “emotionally and physically spent”. Emotionally, yes. Physically? Did something happen in the Hummer with Farmgirl and Butterface that they didn’t tell us about? I bet you Farmgirl started it. I’m telling you, it’s the sweet, innocent “No one’s ever shopped for me before!” ones you gotta watch out for.
Oh, and Bret’s making my night in an airbrushed, flame painted cowboy hat! Yes! Finally! If only he had paired it with the matching coat, but baby steps. However long it takes to get him into full regalia of 80′s stage gear – I can be patient. We have six more weeks.
Bret tells us that he wants no drama, but no mediocrity, and with that, the first pass goes to CESM. And I’m happy! I have really come around on this one. This ho is one genuinely nice girl. I might even have to rename her. Germy’s mad in her prom dress. She doesn’t trust CESM and she feels betrayed. Guess the shoe’s a little tight on the other foot, huh there, Germ.
The next pass is for the ho Bret knows is there for him. Also, he likes the way she dresses and fights for him. It’s Bisexual. “If I don’t get a pass, I’ll be devastated,” says Germy. What happened to “either way, it’s his choice”? This ho is so full of shit it would take her years to crap it all out.
Oh, and I forgot to mention on the wardrobe front – Bret’s wearing not one, not two, but three crosses tonight. Two on his shirt, and one enormous one dangling from his neck. Clearly, he has turned to religion to help him get through this mess of a second season.
The next two passes go to Farmgirl and Butterface. No surprise, especially now that it looks like there was maybe some action in the Hummer. The next pass goes to Muppet, who he takes full responsibility for not making time for in the past couple of days. Muppet nearly breaks down with happiness, and assures Bret she’ll stay and rock his world “for-ev-er”.
It’s down to Germy and SheMale. Hmmm, who ever will he choose? The crazy, drama ho, or the one who can’t even be bothered to have a parade telling him how much she likes him?
Germy throws another, “it’s his choice” at us. SheMale tells us once again that she worries that the connection is lost. He calls SheMale first, and all the hos get happy, but I’m not fooled. Sure enough, he tells her he loved her in the beginning, but somewhere along the line, she checked out. Also, she was rude to his girl Joan/Shirley/Arlene/Leotard Lady.
And with that, the Ukrainian Love Tank is officially out of gas.
SheMale takes it well – she simply reiterates that the connection faded, and walks away. We hear Bret singing in the background, “she wants to stay, she wants to fly”. Isn’t that the Ballad Of Germy Joe? Whatever, gotta get the new tunes out there. The Song hasn’t been playing at all this season, and he’s got to get some new residuals lined up. Season Three doesn’t exactly look like a lock at this point.
Before Bret gives Germy her pass, he tells her he knows she’s wearing her heart on her sleeve and huh? Just last week (or yesterday, on the Rock of Love production schedule) she needed to open herself up, and now she’s letting it all out? Fakey bakey. Can’t they try a little harder? Just a little consistency would go a long way.
“Do you want to stay and try to continue?” Bret asks Germy. “I’m trying!” Germy cries. “I know, but yes or no,” Bret says, clearly over it. He never did make it home for dinner with his baby mama and kids last night, and she’s been making his life a living hell for it ever since.
So, once again Germy gets to stay. The hos are predictably mad that Germy Joe lives to manipulate for another day. Bisexual wishes “that skank would leave” and CESM is just “baffled and confused”. That’s they way Germy wants it, ho. And to think she was apologizing to her.
“Let’s continue to rock this house,” Bret intones, barely holding back a yawn. I know how he feels. Although, dare I say it, but it looks like this train may finally be leaving the station. Catfights and a possible threesome in the limo? Is that a glimmer of hope I see, or is it a mirage of one of Flasher’s stripper gowns?
Next week, they make music videos. Bisexual has it out with Muppet, and CESM dukes it out with Germy. Like I said, there’s hope. Rock and roll til then, dolls…