Welcome back to the second to last week of Rock of Love! This week is the meet the parents episode. I doubt anyone could beat trashy fabulousness of the Family Flash, or the level of psychotic achieved by the herpes ridden Family Psycho, but I’m game to find out.
I’ve never seen anyone so creative with the waddle tuck as Cross Eyed Soccer Mom.
So, we’re down to the top three: Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre, Muppet Daisy and Bisexual Destiney. Big John kicks off the day with a gift of buckets of cleaning supplies. Oh come on, that’s not gonna be enough to clean these hos up. But alas, it’s for house cleaning. They put on rubber gloves and start scrubbing bathrooms.
And just as they’re wondering why exactly they’re cleaning house, the doorbell rings. And it’s Soccer Mom’s dad, Randy! Randy’s a proper Midwestern guy who’s dressed appropriately for the occasion in a maroon sweatshirt. Soccer Mom shrieks, it’s a wonderful moment she tells us. “After everything I’ve been going through emotionally, physically, psychologically, it feels good to have my Dad there,” she says. Good Lord, woman, you’re doing reality dating on cable, it’s not like you’ve been to war. Perspective, Soccer Mom.
Did you know Jessica Tandy?
Well, she can’t wait for her Dad to meet Bret, but first she needs to give her Dad a big, incestuous hug for like five minutes. Bret comes out of his fake bedroom, and hello Barbie, isn’t your hair looking purty today! Soft and flowing – I see someone’s determined not to have his follicular authenticity questioned today, as Psycho Herpes Daddy did last season. “Sir?” Bret says to Randy about five times, but he’s too busy feeling up his little girl, and Bret is ignored.
Excuse me. Maybe you didn’t hear me. I said HAIR.
Finally, Soccer Mom and her Dad detach and Bret instructs them to tour the house. Soccer Mom tells us her Dad is a proper Southern gentleman, he’s church going, and she’s wondering what he will be subjected to. Upstairs, Muppet’s worried because the last time she saw her Dad was when she was seventeen, and her Mom when she was twenty. She doesn’t have a traditional family, she says. Oh, that’s sad. Wonder what the story is behind that skeleton.
But we’ll have to wait to find out, cause the next time the doorbell rings, it’s for Bisexual. I have to look really closely at her Dad, cause is that a huge tattoo encircling his head? So creepy. Also, Daddy Bi is wearing a maroon (did the Daddys coordinate at the Holiday Inn this morning?) jacket with a big cross embroidered on the back. The old Bret would have totally worn that jacket.
Soccer Mom and Bisexual introduce their families, and Muppet is feeling awkward. She’s been on her own since she was fifteen, and she wishes she had some parents. Really, poor, sad little Muppet. She’s wondering if they’ve tracked down her parents or her uncle? Doubtful ho, this ain’t Maury.
And Muppet’s special guest star is a trailer-ish looking lady named Stephanie. Stephanie has accessorized for television with a jumbo sized claw clip in some fried looking hair. And oddly, Stephanie is her ex Charles’ sister. Oh, this isn’t awkward at all. Should do lots to perpetuate the story of Muppet and Charles being officially over.
Bret says he’s really looking forward to getting to know the parents. And then we get a little flashback to last season’s disaster with Psycho Herpes Daddy, and Daddy Flash standing by with a beer while Flash spewed verbal vomit about Psycho Herpes’ sexual exploits at Bret’s house. That was so great.
So Bret and the new parents eat and drink and Bret gallantly plays bartender. But when he offers a cocktail to Daddy Bi, he is turned down because Daddy Bi has liver cancer and only has six months to live. Tonight’s episode’s a real tearjerker. And I commend Bisexual for never having mentioned it, you know if it was Soccer Mom, she would have thrown that info, along with her patented fake crying, into every other conversation.
Daddy Bi and Bret bond over their love of Harleys. Daddy Bi shows Bret a picture of his bike. The both love to drive fast. They have the same taste in clothes. Daddy Bi and Bret have lots in common and are getting along like a house afire, which is a sure sign that Destiney’s not gonna win this thing. He wouldn’t dare pick a ho he may actually have a chance with. His baby momma wouldn’t like that.
Here’s to not getting too attached to any of you hos!
And then to really get to know the parents, Bret decides it’s time to barbeque. They’re outside grilling steaks, and in two seconds flat, Soccer Daddy spills to Bret that Soccer Mom is thirty-seven! Oooooh, I’ve been waiting all week for this fabulous shit to go down! Bret is stunned. We do a quick replay back to the date with the eastern healer, when Soccer Mom flat out says she’s thirty-two. But now that we know the truth, I can see there’s a definite pause before she says her age. Soccer Mom knew exactly what she was saying, and let’s remember that in a few minutes when she denies it.
Bret’s done a very kind thing for us tonight, wardrobe-wise. Not only is he wearing a black leather cowboy hat with a skull, but he’s also got a matching skull and crossbones printed jacket! It’s not red pleather, but it’s delightfully tacky enough for me. And he tells us that finding out the truth about Soccer Mom’s real age is a red flag – what else is she hiding? A mini-van and four kids, I’m telling you.
Over the fancy barbeque dinner, Bisexual’s family jokes around about chicken breasts, just for the opportunity to say “breast” a hundred times, but Soccer Mom is embarrassed for her Dad’s virgin ears to be hearing this. They all toast, and then Bret tells them he has something awesome (of course) for them to see from the new tour. Well certainly, what fifty-something parent wouldn’t want to watch outtakes from a Poison concert?
It’s taken from the show in St. Louis, and it’s Poison – Live, Raw and Uncut. Oh, this has parent-appropriate written all over it. And as they watch the show, something strange comes over Bisexual, and she morphs into Super Groupie. She does her ho dance all over the room, and one point it looks like she’s slithering across the floor doing The Worm. Sexy! Bret says that he’s really seeing her come alive, but he’s concerned that she comes alive for Bret the Rock Star, but not Bret the Real Person. Meanwhile, he’s holding Soccer Mom’s hand while they watch.
Now we’re slightly more compatible.
And later that night, it’s time for the first date with Muppet and her ex-boyfriend’s sister, Jumbo Claw Clip. Bisexual doesn’t want to see Bret go, so she gives him a big ol’ smooch before he goes. I have to note, that Bret never seems too into it when he’s kissing Bisexual. And as for Muppet, she calls Bisexual’s kiss “classless”. Takes a lot of silicone, fake hair and neck tattoos to know class, doesn’t it?
Bret, Muppet and the ex’s sister head to the Rainbow for a late night date. “It’s, like, one of the most famous rock and roll places ever!” exclaims Muppet excitedly. Great burgers too, if you’re ever in the neighborhood. And Muppet’s right, a rock star sighting at the Rainbow is pretty much guaranteed.
“Never been?” asks Bret suspiciously. “Never ever!” she replies breathlessly, “I’ve never been anywhere!” Subtle, Muppet. So she’s carrying on about how it’s the coolest date ever, but Bret’s got an ulterior motive – he wants to know more about Charles. And he gets right to the point. “Friends, okay. One bedroom, okay. Lease, okay. No sex in two years? I don’t buy it.”
Muppet is predictably annoyed that Bret’s ruining the coolest date ever with his silly quest for truth about her past. “Somebody cheated on somebody, and it wasn’t me,” she says. Oooh, cryptic. “But there’s a missing piece,” Bret insists. “Well, my life isn’t black and white, it’s color,” Muppet says, as though this explains it all. “Thanks for the education, Kodak, but what the hell are you talking about?” Bret tells us.
Did I stutter? I’m colored.
And back at Trollop Central, Bisexual’s parents have gone to bed, but she’s determined to wait up for Bret. Soccer Mom proves she’s a chip off the old block, when Soccer Daddy asks Bisexual what happens if he chooses her? Well, if she’s Bret’s girl, then she goes back to her routine of being in videos, bartending, hosting and “whatever”, she tells him. See, this is why Bisexual is the right choice. She gets it. She’s under no illusion of happily ever after in Bret’s mansion in the Valley. It’s just a way of earning that “Featuring Destiney from Rock of Love Two!” title for her future stripper gigs.
But Soccer Mom’s upset at this response. She’s really in it for love, you see, no career advancement for his frumpy ho. None at all. “She’s not emotionally invested like me and Daisy,” Soccer Mom whines.
Back at the Rainbow, Bret makes one last ditch effort to trick Muppet into spilling the truth. Once he accepts what it is, then it’s okay, but right now he feels like she’s full of shit, he says. Jumbo Claw Clip pipes in to tell Bret that he’s seeing things like a guy. “Well, yeah,” replies Bret. But Claw Clip explains that a guy can’t share a bedroom with their ex without wanting sex, but for a girl, the physical attraction ends when the emotion’s no longer there. Actually, Claw Clip, this makes sense. But usually, at this point, someone moves out of the one bedroom apartment, you know?
You’re barkin’ up the wrong ho, stud. Talk to me.
And so Muppet once again reminds Bret of all the “crazy ass shit” that she and Charles have been through. I don’t get what this has to do with anything, but Bret looks at Claw Clip, decides she’s a straight shooter and that she has truthful eyes. Listen, when you trust your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend’s sister more than your girlfriend, you have a problem. But Bret declares, “Their stories add up.” And having heard the gospel from Claw Clip, Muppet is hopeful that Bret can finally trust her.
The next day, the whole family tour group meets up in the kitchen for breakfast. I know I haven’t said a word about Bisexual’s Mom yet, but she’s really just a plain jane type, quiet and cute, with a bad haircut and glasses bought on special at Lens Crafters. Bisexual’s such an enigma, with this super normal Mommy and normal looking ex-husband, too. She must get her wild side from Daddy and his big head tattoo. But big head tattoo and all, when Jumbo Claw Clip asks him if he’s amazed that his daughter is doing this show, he laughs and says, “Yes.”
Next thing you know, Bret’s driving his Harley through the house. This is a clue! He knows Daddy Bi loves to ride, so he got him a bike for the day, cause riding a Harley is good for the soul. When Bret found out that Daddy Bi was dying, he wanted to plan something really special. And even though my reality hardened heart knows it was some producer’s doing, I’m just going to believe that it really was Bret’s idea. It’s hard work being jaded all the time, I could use a break.
Bisexual hops on with Bret, and Normal Mommy hops on with Daddy Bi. They ride like the wind through the streets of LA, and Daddy Bi is genuinely thrilled. And then they get to the real destination for the date, a tattoo shop! In a strip mall. Couldn’t even take her over to Sunset? Cheap strip mall tattoo date.
This is the Rock of Love version of a mariachi band on a beach at sunset.
Well, it turns out Flasher 2.0 has been talking about getting a tattoo the whole time she’s been here, and Bret’s gonna make that dream come true. Bisexual wants the Rock of Love Two logo on her neck, which I think would make a pretty good tattoo, but The Ego reminds her that Flasher got a “Bret” tattoo. Yeah, and look where that got her. Dumped with a “Bret” tattoo on her neck. Like I said, Bisexual knows what’s up.
So it’s a heart with two swords through it for Bisexual. “Enjoy the ride,” Bret tells her as the tattooing commences. Bisexual was worried that it was going to hurt, but it looked like she was, you guessed it, turned on, says Bret. Which makes Bret turned on. Damn, is this what it takes? Normal Mommy’s impressed with the tattoo, and Bisexual makes a very bad mistake in going on and on about how the new tat will always remind her of “the experience.’ The Ego once again brings up that Flasher got her tattoo to prove her commitment to Bret, and I’m smelling trouble.
And The Ego continues to sulk. “It’s not my name, but I’m dealing with that,” he announces. They return home from the date, and Soccer Mom is shocked at the tattoo. “It’s not my name,” he reminds everyone. We know, Ego, we can read. You’re going to somehow have to learn to live with the travesty of a ho on a fake dating show not wanting your name permanently engraved on her neck.
And then it’s time for dinner with Soccer Mom and Soccer Daddy. Finally! Her thirty-seven year old ass is about to get sooooo busted! Bret drags them to a sushi restaurant, cause Soccer Daddy’s never experienced sushi before. Soccer Mom’s nervous. “My Dad’s a meat and potatoes kind of guy,” she explains. And indeed, Soccer Daddy does not look thrilled at the prospect of a raw fish dinner.
Sticks? Orientals are nuts, I tell ya!
But whatever. I could give a crap about Soccer Daddy’s adventures in sushi. Let’s get down to the fact that his uppity daughter is a BIG LIAR! And Bret doesn’t waste any time. “You’ve been brutally honest, but I though you told me you were thirty-one or thirty-two,” he tells her. Soccer Mom’s reaction is priceless. She looks right at the camera in her interview and actually says, “Oh my God, I can’t believe I lied to Bret!” You can’t believe it? Ho, you actually thought about it before you lied to him. Soccer Mom is one of those people who thinks she’s smarter than everyone else and she’s putting it over on the whole world.
But back at the dinner table, she’s completely blind-sided and you can tell. I think it’s brilliant that Soccer Daddy didn’t even warn her that he had told Bret the truth, and give her at least a chance to come up with a believable cover up. Sabotage runs in the Soccer family! She just keeps nodding, wide-eyed, while Bret expresses concern. “Amber’s smoking hot at thirty-seven,” he tells us, “but I’m trying to find the one girl who’s honest with me in this house of lies.” Yeah right, Bret. Bisexual’s the only one who’s been honest about just wanting to be a rocker’s girl, but he uses that against her. You just can’t win at this fake dating game.
Soccer Mom finally gathers herself and does what any lying, career climber would do, she starts fake crying. She even fake cries in her interview. “I’m terrified that Bret doesn’t trust me and it kills me,” she sobs tearlessly. And then she continues to deny it with an, “apparently, I told him a different age.” Apparently my ass, ho.
And then she lays it out for Bret. “I have a career. And in this career, I have to be younger than I am. If I told you that, I’m sorry.” What is this “if” shit? WE HAVE IT ON TAPE, HO! “And the stupid thing about my career,” she continues…what, that now everyone really will know your real age? No, the problem is that, “everyone will think I’m a friggin’ liar.” How unfairly inconvenient.
People thinking you’re a liar for lying. What a world.
She’s still doing some fast-talking to get herself out of this one. “I’ve been searching for this true connection. I’m trying to find love. I’ve fallen in love with you, and all I can do is be honest with you.” Yes, if we live in Opposite Land where lying is being honest. “Right. Gotcha. Right,” Bret says nodding unconvincingly.
When they get home, Soccer Daddy says something really mean about Bret. “I think any father thinks their daughter can do better than Bret,” he says, “But he’s a good guy.” Actually, when your daughter is instigating, soapbox riding bitch, she’d be lucky to land Bret.
Jumbo Claw Clip says that she hopes she clarified the situation between her brother and his roommate in a one bedroom apartment, Muppet. And Daddy Bi just hopes his daughter and Bret get together, cause Bret would be welcome in their family.
With a little makeup and a pushup bra, you could be Grandma 2.5
All the hos are sad to see their families (or ex-boyfriend’s families, in Muppet’s case) go. Bisexual looks gorgeous, in a sedately slutty black dress, with her hair up. Soccer Mom is wearing another K-Mart dress made of cheap lace and satin. Muppet is decked out in hot pink, and it’s a cute look for her.
They have a ho pow-wow before eliminations, and Soccer Mom says she wants to air out anything that she needs to say, because she firmly believes she’s going home that night. Oh, so you want to come clean about being old enough to be their Mom? No, she wants to tell Bisexual that she doesn’t think she’s given her heart to Bret. Oh, stay out of it ho. It’s none of your damn business.
And Bisexual, the only honest one of the group, admits that it’s hard to give her heart 100% when she doesn’t know if it’s being returned. Thank you! How are you “in love” with someone you’ve known for three weeks, and been sharing the whole time? Bisexual’s open, but she doesn’t know him enough to know if it’s love. I am loving Bisexual today, which makes me pretty sure this will be the last we see of her.
But while I’m impressed with Bisexual’s honesty, Soccer Mom says that it only validates everything she’s been feeling. Bisexual asks Soccer Mom if she’s in love with Bret. Soccer Mom takes time for a dramatic pause, and then replies, “Yeah..I am. I can’t control my heart.” And then she fake cries a little more.
Unfortunately, I can’t control my tear ducts either.
“Are you?” Bisexual asks Muppet next. Well, we all know Muppet really is, cause she’s too dumb to realize that it’s all for TV, so she immediately answers yes, and then says that it’s going to suck if someone takes her place in the house who isn’t there for the same reasons. “Would you be here if it was John Bon Jovi?” Muppet demands of Bisexual? Please, can I state for the record, that if it was Rock of Love with Jon Bon, those hos would be fighting some ChickBomb ass for him. No joke.
“What about John Stamos,” Muppet continues. John Stamos? Hotty, but where the hell did that one come from? Bisexual does rockers only, and the days of Blackie from General Hospital are long, long gone. “I can’t answer that,” Destiney replies. Big mistake, doll. These hos are desperate, and you’re already on thin ice by not tattooing his name on your neck.
And then it’s time to eliminate. It seems to Muppet that Bisexual isn’t there for love. Soccer Mom is overwhelmed, scared and not regretting telling him that she loves him. Of course not, that was really the only antidote to him finding out the truth about your real age. And Bisexual feels like she’s done her best to spend time with Bret, but she’s not sure it’s enough.
Bret says he honestly doesn’t know which ho is to go when he gets to elimination. But first he wants to thank them for allowing them to part of their lives. He launches into the pros and cons of each ho. Soccer Mom has drive and ambition, but would their relationship be a business relationship? Yes. She has a career, you know. Bisexual is a complete rock and roll wild child, and her Dad taught him a lot about himself, but she’s in a transitional period, and is it the wrong time? And finally, with Muppet, he has a strong physical connection, but “you don’t have a closet, you have a walk in garage.” He says they’re working to get through it, but he’s not sure they’ve gotten far enough.
Even your heart’s crooked.
“Is there anything else you want to tell me?” he asks Muppet. Oooh, will yet another skeleton come stumbling out? A tryst with Rikki Rockett, perhaps? Who, by the way, according to Star magazine, was just arrested for rape in Mississippi. Hard times for the Poison members who weren’t so lucky to be snatched up by VH1.
And Muppet does have something to say to Bret, but it’s not a truth about herself, it’s a big shove under the proverbial reality show bus for Destiney. “She says she’s not 100% in love,” Muppet tattles to Bret. And Soccer Mom, seeing a way out of her big, fat lie, jumps on board the Bus O’ Sabotage. Bisexual defends herself. “It takes me more time,” she tells Bret, “But I have feelings and I care about you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get to the next level.” Oh, Bisexual. That was a lame effort. I doubt it will work.
And indeed, Bret says, “Two girls told me they’re falling in love, and one girl said she’s loving the experience.” He asks Bisexual to come to him. He gives her the usual line about how she’s an awesome human being, and he wishes he had more time. “Is that fair?” he asks her. “It’s fair,” she replies tearfully, but gracefully. She fought the good smackdown, but she knew it was over.
He walks her out, and they have a nice hug goodbye. “It sucks,” says Bisexual, “we would have been an awesome couple and had so much fun, but I guess we’ll never know.” I’m bummed. I was liking Bisexual today, and really liking her family too. In a post-script, there was a message during the credits that the episode was dedicated to her Dad, who passed away in March. RIP, Daddy Bi. Big head tattoo and all.
And Bret’s wiping another tear from his eye as he walks back in the house. “I’m not a crier,” he reminds us. We know, but this is the second week in a row you’ve pulled that stunt, so it’s sort of losing authenticity. Anyway, he lightens the mood by telling Soccer Mom and Muppet that for the finale, they’re headed to Cancun! Nothing says romance like the spring break capital of the earth.
He hugs them both, and with his arms around each ho, comments that actually, this could really work out. Sure it could, aren’t all men searching for the housefrau and the whore?
Well, we’ll find soon enough out which ho he chooses to inevitably dump on the reunion show. Can’t believe we’re here already…time sure flies in the land of fake hair and skanky hos! See you next week for what’s sure to be a rockin’ finale! Kisses ’til then, dolls…