Rock Of Love: The Pasty Doesn’t Fall Far From the Boobie Tree

Hello gorgeous dolls, we’re back for the second to last episode of Rock Of Love! I’ve been very busy this week patting myself on the back for picking such a trashtastic show to recap, and getting ready to mourn next week when it’s all over. We’re down to Flasher, Lacey and One S Jes. One S is a lock. Flasher’s my new girl. And then there’s Psycho Herpes Rocker Lacey. Can she hustle Bret for another week? Let’s do a little dumpster dive and see…

Best foot forward.

The day starts out with Flasher and Psycho Rocker Lacey in their room pretending to be friends cause Flash does not trust Lacey anymore. Smart assessment, as Lacey tells us she needs to look out for herself. That’s what you were doing all along, Nutbar, that’s why everyone hates you. One S sits downstairs, all class with her coffee and cigarette. Her big news is that the connection with Bret has been intensified.

Bret tells us “if there’s one thing that makes a rock star nervous, it’s a girl’s parents.” So naturally, Bret (read: clever producers) has decided it would be a good idea to invite everyone’s parents over to the house of debauchery. “You marry a girl, you marry her parents”. Sho ’nuff, Bretty. My friend PJ moved in with his wife’s parents while they house hunted and they never moved out. He’s now thrilled to be learning the related lesson that when you divorce a girl, you also divorce her parents.

The first parents we meet are Flasher’s. Her Dad is cute, like a feisty leprechaun. Mom doesn’t say much, and Flash tells us this is only the second time she’s seen them in a room together in her entire life. Nothing like the prospect of a little F-List fame to bring a family together. It’s heartwarming.

Thanks for comin’! You have raised one spectacular ho.

Bret’s immediate impression of the Flashers is that they’re cool. I concur. He talks football with Daddy Flash, and I when I hear my much beloved Gators mentioned, well, let’s just say Daddy Flash is “golden” in my book.

Next up are One S’s family, and they are just the most adorable Midwestern couple ever. They remind me of my friend’s parents in Missouri who send me a box of tomatoes from their garden every summer and are fond of telling what they consider to be the most hilarious story ever, about the time they bought some corn from a roadside stand, only to find out when they got home and shucked it…that it was WHITE corn, not yellow corn! A hoot, I tell ya.

One S tells us her and her parents have a great relationship. She’s so happy to see them that she cries when they walk through the door. I’m BFF with my parents too, so I totally buy it. Bret meets Jim and Deb (oh, if there were ever a “Jim & Deb”, these are so them) and assesses them as “good people.” I could not agree more. He was expecting an uptight banker and judgmental Mom, so this is the best surprise he’s ever gotten. Dad makes a joke about One S’s boobs – what is it about Dads with daughters named Jes(s) that makes them obsessed with their daughter’s boobs? Huh, Joe Simpson?

I always dreamt of a day that that rack would make it on TV! I love ya, kid!

And we have saved the best (and when I say the best, I mean the best material for me) for last. It’s Psycho Rocker Herpes Lacey’s parents. Well, we know from last week’s exercise in manipulation that Lacey’s Mom died, so it’s Psycho Daddy and Stepmama. The first thing I notice about Psycho Daddy is the herpes, oops, I meant piercing, in his ear. Verrry age appropriate.

Psycho Daddy must have a huge bank account or a huge penis, cause Stepmama looks about Lacey’s age, and kind of cute. She screams Dallas in her light yellow summer frock paired with a black Chanel purse. That’s the Dallas part, by the way. Someone from a fashionable city would sooner wear a light purse that looked right than a black bag, even if it is Chanel, but in the Big D they just like to throw as much designer logo as possible into the ensemble.

Psycho shows her parents her winning album cover, with her as the devil, and they don’t like it. Turns out that Psycho Daddy, whose name is actually Otis (I’m sorry, just that name alone cracks me up, Otis, Otis, Otis!) has already met Bret on an airplane ride six years ago. Not surprising that Daddy Psycho remembers it, celeb sightings are few and far between in Texas, but Bret does too. Good memory, I’m impressed.

They talked about music and life on the airplane, and Psycho Daddy even showed Bret a photo of Lacey on the plane. Oh, what I wouldn’t have given to be the flight attendant on that flight (CB works approximately eighty million jobs and one of them is as a stewardess). Then Bret informs us why he remembers Otis – the guy was odd. He elaborates that Psycho Daddy seems like a ticking time bomb – Bret could see it in his eyes. Oh, so the crazy eye is hereditary.

Don’t go hunting with this dad.

Bret likes to spread the love around, so he’s going to take each family on a separate date. The Flashers are up first. They pile into the enormous Hummer and head out to Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch is a restaurant on the Sunset Strip with steaks and beer and a mechanical bull. In other words, a tourist trap. In other different words, the perfect place to take the Flashers.

Daddy Flash is thrilled about the beer bong, and Mommy Flash wants a screwdriver. I love the Flashers. They are completely likeable and unpretentious. Daddy Flash is drunk and telling jokes, they’re all laughing and clearly having fun. Bret wants Flash to ride the bull, and of course she’ll do it for her man. She has a blast and does alright with it. Post-ride, Daddy Flash wants another beer bong, but Bret’s got to stay sober for equally adorable, yet much stuffier Jim & Deb.

Fascinating. Please be sure to write a speech for the wedding.

For his date with One S’s parents, Bret says he needs to get them “rocked up a bit”. He takes them to a store on Melrose called Rock and Roll Religion. Now dolls, for those of you who don’t reside in LaLaLand, there are two ends to Melrose. The designer end, and the end that sells the “I F*cked Your Boyfriend” t-shirts. Wild guess which side Bret’s store is on.

Jes is wearing some jeans with holes all over them. Are they still doing that look in the Midwest? I turned mine into the painting the house pants like, a decade ago. When they get in the store, we meet Michelle. Bret says she’s a fashion expert. Her shirt says …

Not.

Bret, One S and her parents get along great, and it’s a really fun time playing dress-up with Jim & Deb. Bret even gets Deb into a purple bandana. One S’s parents are absolutely adorable, they’re so out of their element, but they’re being really good sports. The final ensembles look ridiculous, but they’re all laughing their butts off, so nobody cares. And Bret…well, hello Mr. Michaels! I am loving his white button down with jeans.

Next up it’s Psycho Family Hour. Bret takes them to Eat on Sunset. It’s not a bad place. Psycho Daddy Otis wants to grill Bret. Sure, Psycho, let’s ask the guy who has the show named after him what he can offer your crazy ho of a daughter.

I thought I’d be the one asking the questions, whines Bret. Come on Psycho Daddy, Bret needs to be in control of everything. But Psycho Daddy, who has clearly spawned Lacey, isn’t having it. Do you play golf? Are you from Oklahoma? What kinds of questions are these? And what about Bret says Oklahoma? Was he even wearing a cowboy hat that day?

Bret tells us that he hasn’t had a chance to lie because he hasn’t had a chance to talk! Psycho Otis wraps up the question session and moves on to being a condescending prick. I’m a wealthy guy, he tells us. Fine. I live in a big house. OK, whatever. I wear great clothes. Let me stop you right there, Otis. You’re wearing a cotton Hawaiian print shirt that looks like it came off the sale rack at the Super Wal-Mart.

When he finishes bragging about himself, Psycho Daddy starts talking about Lacey. She was a presidential scholar, he says. I don’t doubt it. She’s mean, slutty, manipulative, fugly and herpes ridden, but I wouldn’t call her stupid.

President of FUG

And apparently, not poor either. Psycho Otis drops the little nugget that Lacey’s got money, and if Bret marries her, there would definitely be a pre-nup. Bret’s got three problems with this one – first, she told him she was a starving musician, and if there’s one thing Bret doesn’t like, it’s a fake girl. Fake hair and fake fabric, he’s totally cool with, but a fake girl is bad news.

Second problem is, he didn’t ask her to marry him. And at the rate you’re going Psycho Daddy, he never, ever will. But the biggest problem here is the second star of this show, Bret’s Super Sized Ego. If anyone’s signing a pre-nup, it won’t be him.

I have to mention at that for all the fighting Psycho did for Bret all along, she is oddly quiet when her crazy Daddy starts grilling him and trying to intimidate him. I was confused about that, til it became clear that Daddy holds the purse strings. Like I said, Lacey’s no dummy. Washed up rockers come and go, but a trust fund is forever.

Psycho Daddy continues to brag about his daughter, telling Bret that she doesn’t do drugs or drink. She’s also never disappointed him. Well, now that she’s spent the past three months skanking up TVs across America, I’d say that milestone’s about to be breached. The editors agree, as they treat us to a “best of” montage of Lacey the drunken whore.

This should make for an interesting viewing party at the McMansion.

Now, I think I’ve made my feelings about Psycho Daddy Otis pretty clear, but he did do one thing that I loved…he asked Bret if he had hair under his hat! Oh yes, Psycho Daddy WENT THERE! Loves it! Bret says yes, but that may have been the question that sank Lacey’s chances forever. Which makes me love it even more.

When the Psychos return from their date, they go into Lacey’s room to hang, and there’s Flasher, topless for a change. Lacey complains about it, but Psycho Daddy can’t tear his eyes away. “He’s staring at my tatters”, Flasher tell us. Creepy, I think. Flasher takes it a step further – Creepy Creeperton, she expands.

Because he knows he’s hot for Flasher and her “tatters”, Psycho Daddy says what any creepy old guy with an earring would say, “I don’t think very highly of her.” Lacey wants to keep her monthly checks coming, so she says that she likes Flasher, she’s cool, but she’s a stripper. Lacey’s perfectly innocent about the pole, she continues on to Stepmama. Then Lacey asks Flash to do a little pole dance for Stepmama. Oh shit, it’s ON!

Flasher thinks so too! She sits her parents down and tells them what’s what. She tells them about the challenges, about making out with girls and faking orgasms. She wants to give them fair warning, so if Lacey tries to bust her they’ll already know. Flash’s parents are cool with it. Dad’s drunk, and Mom just nods knowingly.

Guess the pasty doesn’t fall far from the booby in the Flasher family.

Bret’s planned a special dinner for everyone. Didn’t he learn his lesson last week? This is not a nice dinner kind of crowd. Flasher confirms the theory when she informs us that she’s going to use the dinner to call Lacey out. Please do so doll, a catfight is infinitely more entertaining than a nice dinner any day.

One S wasn’t looking forward to dinner at all. Lacey looks wretched in a trademark ugly necklace. We’re all from such different backgrounds, Lacey muses. Wonder where that one’s going. She then toasts…with a water bottle. Bitch, you are about to get sooooo busted!

Bret arrives at the dinner. Flasher cheers him, cause she’s his girl. As he approaches the table, he says there’s a funk in the air. He tries to play if off like he meant the vibe, but you know that smell is Lacey. Lacey tells us that her, Daddy and Stepmama Karen are fun people, so they take the initiative to get the conversation started. What’s everyone’s bio, Lacey wants to know.

One S was a receptionist, now she’s bartending. Not a career gal, our One S, but she has sweet parents and says funny things sometimes, so she’s OK in my book. Flasher has a “couple of degrees” she tells us. She elaborates to tell us she has an Associates and a Bachelors. I’m on your side here Flash, but an Associates? Just say Bachelors and be done with it. You inspire enough stereotypes with the stripper thing, no need to advertise your time at community college.

Time Warner is a client of mine, says Psycho Daddy Otis loftily, maybe I can get you a job. Get off your high horse, asshole. Time Warner’s a huge company and you haven’t made it quite clear what exactly it is you do. They could be a client for your toilet cleaning business.

Now that Psycho Daddy is done trying to make everyone else feel worthless, it’s time to tell us how fabulous Lacey is again. She plays the stock market, and lives off her investments. I’m just so much more accomplished than the other ho’s, Lacey tells us. Yeah, accomplished at being a two faced liar. When it’s for Bret, you’re a starving musician, but when it’s for Daddy you’re freakin’ EF Hutton.

Flasher too has heard enough. Hey Lacey, did you tell your Dad about the time you knocked over 40 bottles at the Red Rock, she shouts across the table. I did, says Lacey, but in my “real life” I only drink beer. Oh, she gets drunk and runs around naked, Flasher continues. One S tells us that it was obvious that Lacey was uncomfortable. Go Flasher, go!

At this point, Stepmama Karen wants to have a word with Lacey in the kitchen. I don’t want to alarm you, she tells Lacey very, very seriously, but I think Flasher’s trying to insinuate things about you. You think? Clearly we have underestimated Karen’s astute powers of observation. You know what else? I think One S has pink hair. So watch out. Just saying.

I think that man has fake hair. And he might be wearing makeup, too.

Well, when all else fails at a dinner party, it’s always a lovely idea to try and insult your host. Who eats at a restaurant with a mechanical bull, Psycho Asshole Daddy scoffs to Bret. Can’t you make it a little more hip, he says adjusting the collar on his cheap Wal-Mart shirt. The man is from Texas, Bret points out. My thoughts exactly. But Bret’s done, and excuses himself from dinner.

The next morning, we catch up with Bret as he hits his punching bad and pretends it’s Psycho Daddy’s head. Otis is derogatory, says Bret, and that’s one of his biggest pet peeves. Say what you will about our bachelor, but he is a down to earth guy. He is what he is, he makes no apologies, and as far as he’s concerned, it’s all fabulous – as evidenced by his zeal for red pleather coats with matching cowboy hats. It takes real confidence and lack of interest in other people’s opinions to leave the house in that look, much less record it on tape.

Bret confronts Lacey. Of course he’s on the pre-nup thing, cause his best friend “The Ego” will not let him let that go. What would make your Dad think that I would need money from anybody, Bret wants to know. Lacey says that her Dad is successful, and that he came from nothing. So’s Bret, but didn’t turn him into an asshole. A big man whore, but not an asshole. He doesn’t have the best etiquette, concedes Lacey. That was a very diplomatic way of saying he’s tacky new money.

Psycho knows she’s in trouble, so she flat out admits to the camera that it’s time to throw Flasher “under the bus”. She’s worried for Bret, she tells him. She knows Flasher loves her parents, but she doesn’t seem to respect them. Her “evidence” is that Flasher’s parents want her to stop stripping, but she won’t. I don’t know about that honey, they seemed kind of OK with it to me.

Now the whole time Lacey’s talking shit on her, Flasher’s listening in with One S. They stand on a balcony above where Bret and Lacey are and they hear every last word. She’ll quit stripping for two weeks and then go back to it, Lacey promises Bret. And at that, Flasher storms the scene.

You’re a master manipulator and a liar, she yells at Lacey. Your family has no idea who you are. My family’s proud, yells Flash. It’s a huge catfight, One S reports, and she’s loving it! Lacey tells us that Flasher knows she’s her biggest competition, and she’s pissed that Flash is trying to call her out. Well, what do you think you were just doing? Only difference is, Flasher has the balls to say it to Lacey’s face.

Throughout the fight, Bret sits motionless with his head in his hands. I am a mid-forties man in a wig with a nutcase and a stripper fighting over me, he is so obviously thinking. I wrote The Song. How did it come to this?

Finally, Flasher storms out telling Lacey, “Go tell your Dad how many times you’ve fucked Bret.” Finally, Bret lifts his head and tells Lacey he’s done. With her, I wonder hopefully? No, just with the two ho’s. You two have had this thing coming, so go deal with her, he instructs Lacey.

“I thought she was my friend”, Flasher screams at her Mom as she tears through the house. Mommy Flasher tries to shush her. Lacey recounts to story to Stepmama Karen, who’s whimsically tacky in a Burberry plaid hat. What did I tell you about Dallas and the designer logo crap?

One S and her parents are sitting casually outside on the patio while all the drama transpires. They think it’s funny. Oh, that Jim & Deb. Flasher Daddy skips outside for a moment. Does she get that from you, Jim wants to know? “Yes sirreee” replies Flasher Daddy proudly, as he leaps back in to the action.

Lacey tells Flasher she wants to talk to her, but Flasher says she’s not going to let her manipulate anymore. Considering that’s what happens every time Lacey opens her mouth, that means Flasher just isn’t going to let her talk at all anymore. OK, fine by me.

As the family Psycho looks on, Flasher goes nuts. When they watch this show, Flasher warns Lacey, they’re gonna die. They’re gonna love the manipulator part, she continues. Um, actually Flash, they probably will. That evil’s been passed down for generations.

Here. Let me pop that for ya.

You’re throwing me under the bus, Flasher cries! Lacey denies it. What? You just told us that’s what you were doing, idiot. I think Lacey’s one of those liars who’s so skilled at it, that she can’t tell a lie from the truth.

But then comes the piece de resistance, as Flasher screams to Lacey’s family that she saw her “sucking Bret’s dick”. Ooooh Flash, that was kind of low. Soooo…kisses and thanks!

Psycho Daddy Otis is appalled. He tells Flasher she’s trashy. Eh, like she’s never heard that one before. Well, I haven’t done anything sexual with him, Flasher contends. Flasher, please. I know you have to defend yourself to the crazy man in the cheap orange polo shirt, but come on.

Lacey can’t believe that Flasher said that about her. You don’t fuck with my family, she says. Flasher is dead to her. Psycho Daddy won’t let it go either. He insists on confronting Bret as he works out. And he’s calling him “Big Boy”. Hmmm. Creepy Creeperton, your nickname is well deserved.

Psycho Daddy flat out tells Bret that Flasher accused Lacey of “sucking his dick”. Bret says that’s one of the worst things any rock star wants to hear. Enough with the rock star thing, that’s one of the worst things any dude wants to hear.

Her sex life is her sex life, says Psycho Daddy, but it’s trashy that Flasher’s screaming it to the house. Hey Otis? That was just for your information. The rest of us got to see her ho’ing it up on tape.

Bret rightly wants to know where Big John is in all of this. Hey, he had his hands full taking care of your drunken bitches last week, he needs a break. And indeed the producers cut to a shot of BJ having a lovely little nap.

When it comes time for eliminations, Flasher is nervous. She’s not sure if her outburst pissed Bret off. One S isn’t worried at all. Lacey says that Flasher’s going down, and that she’ll pay. Honey, if that’s the last threat I hear from you, it will positively make my night. I don’t even want you around for entertainment value anymore.

Lacey wants Flasher to go home cause she thinks she’s trash. One S wants Lacey gone. She thinks Bret’s finally seen her true colors. Flasher calls Lacey a trifling bitch. Not as great as “meth scratched scarred face”, but nonetheless, loves it and will be appropriating it.

Bret knows he’s onto something good, cause he shows up for eliminations in the white button down and jeans from the shopping trip with Jim & Deb the day before. He “Brets” it up though with his red bandana and plastic snakeskin hat. He has even accessorized with a simple silver necklace. I also like how he always throws a blazer (or synthetic skin or pleather coat) over the outfit. It lends a real air of authenticity to the Ho, You Gotta Go! proceedings.

He dismisses the parents for the elimination. I’ll miss Jim & Deb, and the Flashers. Psycho Otis, you better hope I don’t see you on any of my flights. I’ve got some snot that would go wonderfully with your mixed nuts.

One S snags the first pass, again. No surprises there. And now it’s down to Flasher and Lacey. Flasher’s in a more sedate dress than usual, by the way. So perhaps she’s not really who she is around her parents. But I’m all for it, cause she looks a whole lot better.

Where’d Flasher go?

The next decision is hard for him, because he knows they had and ruined a great friendship over him. Gimme a break, that’s totally bragging rights. Flasher showed commitment with her tattoo, and Lacey’s been ambitious and driven. But he’s basing his decision on his gut feeling, who’s being truthful, who is who they is, and who ain’t who they ain’t. What I really love about Bret is his impressive handle on grammar.

He calls Lacey down first. He tells her before he shows her the pass, he wants to tell her something. I smell a fake-out, but I could be wrong…

He says there’s a side of her that he loves, but a side of her that confuses him, and he feels that somewhere along the line, the side that he doesn’t understand would ruin their relationship. Could it be?

It could and it is! Lacey’s GONE and I scream with joy. I really do, which says nothing good about me. She was crazy, he tells us, but crazy for him. In the end though, there were just too many lies and deceptions going on.

Lacey is in shock, and I really believe she is. She’s got a very eerie calm about her that makes me hope Big John had the good sense to lock up the kitchen knives before this elimination. And she thinks if it comes down to One S or Flasher, then Bret should just stay single.

He tells Flasher she looks beautiful, and that there’s no more guessing. Karma’s a bitch, and so is Lacey, she tells us, as she happily accepts her pass. Bret thanks her for having his back and being there.

It’s a real Ho’mark moment.

It’s do or die time, says One S. She tells us she needs to step up her game and prove how badly she wants to be with him. Tough road ahead, Pinky, Flasher got his name tattooed on her neck. Beat that.

I can’t recall if there’s a ho toast tonight or not, but there is a big announcement….they’re going to Cabo! Cheers abound and then Bret takes off in a hurry to go pack. You just know he’s going to have a ton of luggage.

And that’s that for the night! I’m beyond thrilled that Lacey’s gone, she was the meanest reality bachelorette ever. I know it’s a loonnnggg recap, but what can I say? I’m losing my skanks in less than a week, and I need to spend as much quality time writing about them as I can! Keep rocking for one more week, dolls…