Rock Of Love Bus: HoDonnell Makes a Comeback

Welcome back to the Rock of Love Bus! There’s no doubt about the life lessons learned from Rock of Love, and this week we learn a big one about dressing trashy that I was happily able to apply to my own life.

Man I wish I brought a book.

Me too.

I have had the honor this past week of playing nurse for my dear and hot friend ChickDoc, who is unfortunately stranded at home recovering from shoulder surgery. Fortunately, he’s stranded at home on the beach in Malibu, he was smart enough to strand me with him, and also to buy me some ridiculously expensive shoes for my “trouble”. Well, perhaps “buy” isn’t the right word, so much as “didn’t kill me or even really yell at me when he came out of general anesthesia and found out how much they cost”.

Anyway, you use a man’s credit card for some Louboutins while he’s laid up in the hospital bed, you better be prepared to get him onboard with the purchase. Which is why when it came time for this week’s viewing of Rock of Love Bus, I was delighted to tart up in sparkly black bikini bottoms, a tight Led Zeppelin t-shirt and my high class whore shoes. “Trashy!” ChickDoc exclaimed, as enthusiastically as a guy covered in ice packs with screws in his shoulder could. So thank you, Bret Michaels, for showing me the way. The wonder known as ChickDoc was the captain of the football team at his Ivy League college and now spends his time literally curing cancer, but of all my ensembles (and believe me, considering how much I spent on shoes, there were a lot), the trashy ho was the star of the show. I might be thinking book deal.

But in Bret’s world, tonight we’ve hit the big time, and we’re staying in a tall hotel! No more Motel 6 now that the best hos have risen to the top. Token Natasha says how happy she is that Marcia’s gone cause she was getting close to choking her. Murderous urges on the Rock of Love Bus. It’s all so dramatic! They get outside and find a note telling them that the next stop on the tour of the midwest is St. Louis. “Where’s that?” asks Juliette Lewis Ashley. I just love her so much, I’ve never found stupidity so endearing. Oh, and also Farrah’s boobs look amazing in a shredded t-shirt.

We’re going to half a McDonalds.

On the bus, the hos continue to discuss their cluelessness about geography, and how Farrah and Juliette Lewis are “over” Token Natasha. Juliette Lewis doesn’t like her face, and Farrah finds her “lame”. Juliette Lewis thinks she’s a man, and Farrah freaks out whenever she boards the bus cause she thinks it’s Bret. Token, who’s not quite the badass mean girl she thought she was, wanders around the bunks while my hos roll their eyes at her. I so want them in my entourage.

Wash your jock strap in the sink or something, cuz it’s getting stank in here dude.

But then we catch up with Bret, and there’s something troubling him. While I’ve found the Rock of Love Bus a viral dumpster of entertainment, Bret’s concerned that he hasn’t made any serious connections with the hos so far. On the last two Rock of Loves, the house ones, he had feelings for at least a few of the hos by now. And what better way to deal with this problem than at the Hustler Club?

I’m in so much pain. I think it’s gonna rain. Holy shit I wish I had a pen to write that down.

Naturally, downers Penthouse Taya, Whiner Mindy and Boring Butch Beverly are annoyed upon discovering the location. But they bet the pink bus is thrilled. And they sure are! We cut to Juliette Lewis screaming with glee and Farrah delightedly yelling, “Shut the french up!” They get inside, take one look at the poles and there’s a pink bus chorus of “Hell yeah baby, I’m home!”. Bret enters the club in his silver cowboy hat that I love, and welcomes the hos to the “fine gentleman’s establishment”. He talks about hos who rock, but don’t roll? Oh Bret, it doesn’t always have to be some not-so-clever euphemism. Stop trying so hard.

And then he brings out three hos in training, who need help establishing their “inner rock goddesses”. Nerds! Makeovers! I love makeovers! They’re doing it in teams, and the winning team gets a group date that night. You know, and you also know I think about this stuff way too much, but this is why he hasn’t made any ho-nections yet. Everything’s a group date. He needs time alone to really know a ho.

I. Am so. Sure.

The first team is Juliette Lewis, Token and Brittanya. The next team is Whiner Mindy, Kelsey and Boring Butch and the last team in Farrah and Taya. Token proudly informs us that she went to cosmetology school, where she no doubt excelled in eyelash class. Farrah too is convinced she’s got this one – if there’s one thing she can do, it’s style a ho, she tells us. Whiner’s just concerned with getting some alone time, so she volunteers to be team captain.

The first newbie ho up is Janey, and she’s assigned to Token’s team. Janey is dressed as a Classic Nerd, with argyle sweater and horn rimmed glasses. The next wanna-be ho is Jenny, and she’s playing the role of Sporty Nerd. She goes with team Whiner. Cami looks like Frumpy Nerd, in a baggy sweater, but Taya is happy to have her, cause she can tell she’s got a “rocking body” underneath.

And the ho-ing up begins! Token’s makeup is predictably horrific. “Too much eyebrow,” says Juliette Lewis critically. She thinks she should have been team captain. I concur, but I wouldn’t have started a fight with a boy for it either. Farrah is just prancing around having fun and being fabulous while Taya does all the work. Taya’s bothered about it, but you know she’s the type totally and annoyingly do a perfect job regardless. When they’re done, Juliette Lewis informs us that one of the other teams girls looks like a hooker, and one still looks ugly, so insane eyebrows and all, her team should be declared the winner.

Plus? I’m polite.

First up for Bret’s judgment is Janey, as designed by Team Token. She’s wearing tight gray jeans and a plain white t-shirt that looks like shredded cotton bandages. Janey’s pretty scrawny, and I don’t think she looks too hot, but Bret loves the braless-ness. “I love a natural…or unnatural…breast,” he says thoughtfully. Bret Michaels is a man of deep and meaningful thoughts and that’s why I adore him.

Mush mouth.

The next ho to come before Bret is Team Whiner’s entrant of Sporty Jenny. Jenny’s pretty hot in a slutty way, but I don’t think they did her any favors with the prissy hair-do and makeup. Typical insecure Whiner Mindy. She’s not gonna make a ho look hotter than her. Jenny’s wearing an oddly baggy pink shirt that still sort of shows her boobs. I think she was the best raw material, but she still turned out looking odd.

I didn’t know jeans that fit were allowed on this show.

Last up is Team Farrah and Taya and their contestant, Cami. Cami prances out in a hoochie mama red dress and immediately hops on the pole and starts spinning around. Oh, that’s it. Clearly we have found the winner. Bret says she’s spinning around on the pole so fast he can’t tell what she looks like, but with pole skills like that who really cares? Juliette Lewis however, does point out that Cami looks like Rosie O’Donnell with makeup, and as usual, she’s not wrong.

Suck it, Barbara Walters!

As for the winner of the challenge, Bret kind of glosses over any decision making, and simply decides just to take the team captains out on a date. Bret’s got bigger fish to fry – he’s about to do something to “rock their world, and not in a good way”. Ominous!

Well, because Bret’s such a rule breaking rebel on his own show that’s named after him and that he has a producing credit on, he’s shaking the tour up by adding our makeover victims to the bus! And…applause? From the hos? I am sad to report that my girl Farrah is the leader of the cheer. What the french, ho? Whiner and Boring Butch rightly look pissed. But all Bret sees are the morons who are applauding the addition of Nerdy Ho, Sporty Ho and Rosie HoDonnell. “Some of my original girls are clapping,” he says half pissed half confused. “This is your competition,” he explains snappishly, realizing perhaps the connections aren’t happening because he’s dealing with a bunch of mentally retarded party girls.

In her defense, Farrah says she’s just not threatened. “We had to make them over and they still look like shit,” she says airily. Well, she’s not wrong either. And she’s wearing one hot pink neon glove. But sensitive Bret’s feeling a little hurt right now.

Oh, but if only Bret could have caught the scene back at the hotel. Brittanya is just about losing it. She’s pissed, she’s yelling, she’s not about to compete with some bitches less hot than her! Oh, the self righteous hotness defense, I love it. And Juliette Lewis is pissed too. But instead of pointlessly airing her grievances to the other hos, she’s going to do something about it. Juliette Lewis goes to Bret’s bus and tells him how upset she is and how devastating it is for her to have new girls on the bus. “What am I supposed to do? This isn’t fun,” she sobs. And Bret’s satisfied. The Ego doesn’t so much mind a crying ho as long as the crying’s over how much she loves him.

Secret. Pain rhymes with rain. Aw all better.

Then Juliette Lewis gets strategic! She talks about how it’s not fair that Token Natasha gets to have the date with him when she was the one who did all the work on their makeover victim, Janey. The scrawny one with the bandage shirt? Why brag about that, ho? And then she adds how she’s not trying to be mean but, Token might be a dude. “That’s why she wears tutus,” Juliette Lewis explains, and you know, it makes sense. I thought something was off with that tutu thing weeks ago, and it just seems like all these pieces of the tranny puzzle are starting to fit.

And Juliette Lewis’s evil plan works! Bret’s now wondering about Token too. But then they get back to Juliette Lewis, and mission accomplished. This is the closest he’s felt to her so far, he tells her earnestly, it’s emotional for everyone involved, and then they make out. Of course, Juliette Lewis feels a lot better about things afterwards.

Back on the bus, the New Hos are feeling left out. But they’ve at least been given the opportunity to redo the sabotage job that the Old Hos did on them makeover-wise. Jenny in particular looks much better, trashier, and the lesson of the day is that’s a good thing. But they’re feeling the freeze from the rest of the hos. It was like they were lepers, they tell us. And not cute ones either.

Thankfully, Bret turns up to break up the awkwardness of Old Hos versus New Hos when he picks up Farrah, Token and Whiner for their date. And where is tonight’s sophisticated Rock of Love Bus outing to be? Why, a riverboat! Bret Michaels can charm a ho like no other. “It’s an awesome date,” he tells us, in case duh, we didn’t already know. Then he adds that there will be “adult beverages”. Oh, okay now it’s an awesome date. Token is indeed dressed in another tutu. Whiner is thrilled with the riverboat thing, she thinks it’s the perfect opportunity and Farrah drawls that just knows she’ll be the one to stand out.

So does this thing go anywhere?

They get on the date, and Bret says how he feels like he has a great “party connection”, which I don’t even think he has that, but whatever, but also an “emotional disconnect”. Whiner tells us that she can’t fault him for feeling that way, “cause he hasn’t met the best one yet!”, which even though I haven’t been crazy for her victim routine, is pretty adorable.

And then Whiner gets Bret alone so he can tell her she’s beautiful and awesome. Whiner uses her time wisely to tell him that it’s not her style to get in the mix, but The Ego tells her basically that she’s got to “bring it”. Then of course, they make out. “There’s heated chemistry,” Whiner tells us. Bret tells us that he finds her very sexy and he’s “digging” her right now. Well done, Whiner! Way to work it on the riverboat date!

Back on the bus, the New Hos are still feeling the chill. But they decide to brave it and try and befriend the Old Hos. Bad idea, New Hos. Brittanya immediately flips out on Rosie HoDonnell, inexplicably screaming, “You don’t know me!” There’s just a lot of screaming. Even Juliette Lewis finds it a little shocking. Brittanya is yelling to the New Hos about how she doesn’t care if she gets kicked off the bus, she’ll knock their asses out. Poor Nerdy Ho looks like she might like to just get her argyle back and get the hell off this bus.

Hasselbeck treated me with more respect.

And now back to the riverboat, where Farrah is pissed that she’s having to share her date with Token and her man voice. Just then, Token attacks Bret, “like a wild animal”, Farrah tells us breathlessly, and pulls him away. Token tells him huskily and determinedly that she/he could fall head over heels in love with him. But Bret’s got other ideas, and those are penises. He asks her a bunch of leading questions, then talks about being friends. He can’t get Juliette Lewis’ warnings out of his head, and he’s trying to work up the courage to ask if Token’s a dude.

“You’re pretty, smart, funny with a rocking body,” he says uncomfortably. He can’t stop thinking about. Excellent work, Juliette Lewis! He tells us it’s driving him nuts. He needs to get to the bottom of it. He needs to be direct. “Here’s my big question…” he begins. Wow, this is going to be one of the most dramatic reality television moments ever! And then some stupid bug flies into Token and she freaks out and the moment is gone. “But she freaked out over the bug, and that was a girl thing to do,” Bret explains weakly, as if it all somehow makes up for the lost drama of a tranny confession. So disappointing.

Let’s play the crying game.

And who better to go to if you’re shaken up over possibly being in an affair with a former man than Farrah? He holds her hand on the way off the riverboat. They get back to the hotel, and Bret decides to stir it up and hang out with the New Hos. They turned him on today, he tells us. Really? I just wasn’t impressed. He makes small talk with one of them, Rosie HoDonnell, I think, who has a daughter. Boring Butch, who has like nine kids of her own back in North Carolina or wherever, chooses this moment to tell Bret that she has a question. “Some of us were wondering what the deal is,” she flat out asks, not hiding her annoyance. “I’m a competitor,” he explains back, just as annoyed, “If there were new girls, I wouldn’t be happy about it.” Well, that’s kind of the point Boring Butch was making, right? Oh, Ego. Such a victim.

Bret takes off and sulks on his bus. But then he sends Big John off to fetch Juliette Lewis. She receives her summons, but is concerned. “I already talked to him today, this doesn’t seem good,” she says. But it actually is! Bret wants to play a song for her! Score! It’s really sweet, they totally hang out and have a good time, and Juliette Lewis tells us that this could really be it and Bret could really be her boyfriend. Back on the smelly ho bus, Boring Butch can’t stop thinking about Juliette Lewis on Bret’s bus with him. “He’s gonna screw her all night,” she growls. Token’s on the scene too, and like everyone else, I am now totally obsessed. All I can think is that she looks like man.

Might wanna get some extra eye covers for Bret.

After her sexy time on the bus with Bret, Juliette Lewis comes back to commiserate with Farrah. Farrah’s not jealous, she just wishes she had been there to participate, or at least with a video camera. Such a whore. Loves it. And then comes word from Bret that Kami, who might be illiterate, is in charge of reading. Apparently, he wants to spend some time with these new hos! And some of the Old Hos are pissed! Some of them haven’t even been on dates with Bret yet, while these new hos breeze in with a complimentary date?

So the New Hos skank it up for their quality time with Bret. They’re really pretty gross. If they were going to add new hos to the game, they couldn’t find hotter ones? This isn’t saying a whole lot for St. Louis. Bret gets the New Hos out for lunch, and Rosie HoDonnell immediately tattles on Brittanya for the outburst the day before. Of course Bret’s not mad about it though. He loves a crazy ho, and one that’s going crazy over him? Double world score. “This could be a good thing,” he says smugly. But then HoDonnell has to add in the part about Brittanya not caring if she went home for hitting her. “This could be a bad thing,” Bret corrects himself, deflated.

Hurry and get in. We only have fifteen more minutes and this thing’s gotta be back.

Well, Bret and the New Hos do a little more bonding about stuff like how you know in five minutes if you’re going to have sex with someone or not. He can’t believe that these are the same hos from before. Bret’s either a great sport or a great actor. But with the extended song sequence in the opening credits, can he afford not to be?

Back at the hotel, or the bus, I’ve sort of lost my grip on where we are, Brittanya is indeed worried about her outburst from earlier. So she dresses like a hooker on Hollywood Blvd. in what Bret calls “foil” strategically placed on her. But not even strategically placed, cause half her body is still smudged out for most of the time. Anyway, Bret loves the ensemble and tells her it’s the best motivation, and if she just wears that every day, they will have no problems. See, it can all be that easy.

And it would have been the perfect plan…if Brittanya had bothered thinking what exactly she was going to do besides the slutty whore dress. But she didn’t. So she just sits there looking uncomfortable on a weight bench, all of the sudden shyly covering up her body in the foil dress. “So tell me stuff,” Bret huffs while he lifts weights. Brittanya sits there looking lobotomized. “You gotta tell me stuff or I’m never gonna know,” he tells her impatiently. Seriously, say something, ho!

I feel naked right now.

Bret can’t figure out if Brittanya’s shy or innocent or not or what, so he gives her a simple, “Strike one”. But he does sweetly tell her that all he wants is the chance to know her. “That’s it, yeah, I know,” she stammers. Then she manages to tell him how pissed she was the day before, but ruins everything, and I mean big time, by telling him how she’s taking time out of her life to be there and “my life is important to me”. Bret asks her for a sign, and it just seems to me like they’re having two completely different conversations. But Brittanya leaves him somehow feeling better, but concerned about the “emotional” connection, taking a good minute to come up with the word “emotional”. And Bret’s left wondering if she’s shy or just doesn’t have anything to say.

So come elimination time, Brittanya is worried. Nerdy Ho Janey isn’t worried cause there’s too many wackjobs there. Well, that’s some logical thinking that I can’t fault. Token says something about their “strong friendship connection”. Yeah, that and a tutu should win you this thing, honey. Bret appears in a leather jacket, paisley bandana, and smokey eye makeup that makes me proud. He gets right down to business and tells the New Hos that they had an “awesome date”. Again, really? Well, then he gets down to the real business, which is that while he knows it will be upsetting for some of the Old Hos, the New Hos get to stay!

I should have told him my favorite color.

“That’s lame,” says Juliette Lewis. For sure. If you were gonna add hos to the brew, they couldn’t have been hot ones? Sporty Ho Jenny thinks it’s all new and exciting, but “awesome”. Already learning the Bret lingo, out of all the New Hos, I predict this one will go the furthest.

And now for the Old Hos. First pass goes to the ho who was truly upset when the New Hos were asked to stay, and that is a very deserving Juliette Lewis. She’s definitely my pick. The next hos invited to stay are Whiner Mindy, Penthouse Taya and Boring Butch, who’s having a pretty night – I just don’t understand why she doesn’t tart up daily the way she does for eliminations. Adorable Kelsey gets a pass too, and then we’re left with Farrah, Brittanya and Token. “What the french?” bitches Farrah. Well, turns out Bret still hasn’t forgotten about how “some of you” clapped over the New Hos. Oh, french. But he’s just giving her a little warning, cause he doesn’t waste too much time giving Farrah her pass. But I wasn’t really worried.

So it’s down to Brittanya and Token. Bret tells Brittanaya that it’s up to her whether she wants to be there or now, and then he tells Token that she’s been an awesome friend. Oh, the friend decree. Token’s gone. Sure enough, Brittanya gets called and asked to tell him if she’s there for the “right reasons”. How about any reasons? Who knows what the hell this pierced mute is thinking? And while she should be ecstatically kissing him and thanking him for the pass, Brittanya just looks annoyed. Not well played, ho. Too much attitude.

And Token is crying. See, totally a girl. “Can I look at you and tell you this?” Bret says predictably. Then he tells her she’s a beautiful girl, and in a different world…where he was into peen…and Token takes it like a champ. She hugs him and says that she hopes he finds the person who’s right for him and not a stupid whore.

I hope you find someone willing to tuck at least as long as I did.

And with that, the bus rolls out of St. Louis with Bret thoughtfully strumming his guitar. It’s a hard life, touring the midwest state fair and casino circuit, followed by a busload of second rate hos. We get it. Next week we’re headed to Nashville, Tennessee. Country fried skank, it’s bound to be fabulous…