Rock of Love Bus: Speedbumps

Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Got your pasties and tube socks? Sounds crazy, but trust me, it’s the perfect ensemble for tonight’s installment. This was one of the best Rock of Loves ever.

Top Heif

When we meet again, we’re still in Nashville. The hos are trading clothes, and overall seem pretty unaffected by Sporty Ho’s departure. Except Juliette Lewis Ashley who sees it as a sure sign that the two other new hos will be gone soon. But before she goes, it’s Nerdy Ho Janey’s turn to pluck Bret’s note off the bus and announce that they’re headed to Alabama!

On the blue bus, Penthouse Taya is sharing what she calls “kickass news” with her fellow blue bus hos – she’s been named Pet of the Year! She couldn’t be prouder. The hos couldn’t be less impressed. “It’s a huge deal,” she informs them, wondering why no one’s squealing with glee and popping champers for her. Still nothing. The only comments the other hos have are Gopher Face Mindy and new blue bus recruit, Pierced Mute Brittanya, who say that Penthouse talks Penthouse far too much.

“The owner of the company called me this morning,” Penthouse continues bragging. We are treated a flashback of Penthouse lying in bed on the phone with a raspy voiced guy, no doubt dressed to the nines in a polyester shirt unbuttoned to the navel and seven gold chains, one with a charm in the shape of an implant. “Congratulations, sugar****,” he chortles. See Taya, someone’s happy for you.

Next Stop: Nobel Peace Prize

Back on the bus, Penthouse has somehow taken the other hos’ complete disinterest in her Sleazy Ho of the Year award into an invitation to launch into a speech about how it’s not about caring what people think – ummmm….obviously. She prattles on about how she can’t be devalued, and Boring Butch Beverly mentions that Penthouse is insecure. You know, that’s a misconception in life. True some conceited people are masking insecurity, but some conceited people are just conceited, and that’s our friend Penty. Boring Butch does say that she’s irritating and annoying though, and I’m totally on board with that sentiment.

But enough about that, cause next thing I know we’ve pulled into a truckstop with an enormous, colorful statue of a chicken and we don’t look back. There’s bleachers, and people cheering and then there’s a sign – Truck Stop Games! “They’re gonna love it, and it ain’t gonna suck for me either,” promises Bret followed by a grand welcome to the First Annual Bret Michaels Truck Stop Games!

Bret tells us that his loves are women, sports and touring the country in the bus. What this has to do with a trailer trash festival in Alabama, I’m not sure but with a jumbo sized chicken sculpture involved, who really cares? The hos are split into teams of three – Team Blue is Boring Butch, Juliette Lewis and Rosie HoDonnell Cami. Team Green is Nerdy Ho, Gopher and Pierced Mute. Team Yellow is Kelsey, Farrah and Penthouse. Farrah and Kels aren’t too happy about being stuck with Penthouse. Farrah especially makes a point of mentioning how Penthouse looks down on her and Juliette Lewis for being strippers. Oh, they’re strippers? I don’t think I knew that. I mean, I did of course, but I don’t think I knew on the record.

I was leaning towards lawyer.

Bret tells the hos that the winning team gets the “most awesome” date in the world. The most awesome? Wow, who saw that one coming? For reals though, how does he plan on beating last weeks G4 date? If it’s anything that happens in Alabama, I can already tell you it’s a gonna be a dud. He sends the hos off to a very creepy looking Motel 6 type establishment to change into their Truck Stop Games uniforms, which are daisy dukes and little tank tops. Farrah tells us she’s blonde, got boobs and sex appeal, and her team’s gonna win hands down. I don’t really get how this will translate into winning this thing, but I’m about to find out.

The first event is the Beer Belly Flop. Each team nominates one ho to climb up some bales of hay and belly flop into an oversized kiddie pool full of beer. Nerdy Ho is up first for the Green Team. Oh, did I forget the judges? They are Truckers, right from the Trucker pool at Central Casting. Big, ruddy-cheeked bearded truckers. One of them is even wearing overalls. We’re fully committed.

Anyway, Nerdy Ho scores a total of 25 points on her belly flop. Bret’s impressed. Next up for the Blue Team is Boring Butch. Bret makes a comment about how Boring Butch sure enjoys her “adult beverages”, which was a nice way of saying she’s fat from beer, and that she’s the perfect choice for the event. And she doesn’t let her man down, flailing heavily into the beer pool and splashing like half the beer out of it. It’s quite the seduction scene.

Herhoes

Boring Butch scores 27.5 on her flop, and then it’s time for adorable Kelsey to flop. At first I think this is a mistake. I love Farrah, but she’s no waif and I think she would have made a big, messy flop. But then Kels, who everyone calls Skipper, after Barbie’s slutty little sister – oh stop, you know Skipper was a ho – makes a play for the Yellow Team! She stops to take off her bra and fling it over to the trucker judges pre-flop. Then she makes an adorable jump into the pool, and climbs out like she’s auditioning for a Poison video. Skipper has changed this event from the Beer Belly Flop to the Beer Soaked T-Shirt Contest, and I think considering the overall objective of landing Bret, she deserves major points for that.

And the truckers do too! Skipper earns 29 points for the sexy beer pool move, and of course Boring Butch is pissed. She earned her points with her superior flop and Skipper took the win cause she made it into a wet t-shirt contest. In other words, Skipper took the win cause she gets it. Which Boring Butch still does not, because then she said if she had known it was a wet t-shirt contest, she would have whipped out her “big guns”. Honey, if you’re calling them that, they’re nothing anyone wants to see.

Next up is the Stripper Pole Gymnastics, and here’s where things get really interesting. The Green Team is up first, and Pierced Mute volunteers herself for the pole. She’s a “go go dancer”, we’re told, which hearkens me back to the age old Rock of Love question. What’s the difference between go go dancer and stripper? I’m pretty sure they’re both done naked. Anyway, whatever kind of dancer she is, Mutey totally eats it. She jumps up on the pole and flips right back down. “Choose wisely,” advises Bret, as the other hos confer over who to send in.

Let’s just call them pole ho’s and be done with it.

On the Blue Team, Juliette Lewis thinks she should do it, but HoDonnell is pretty insistent that she’s the ho for the show. I have to agree, we saw her pole skills on the day when we met her, and it’s pretty much the only nice thing I have to say about her. When the best thing that can be said about a person is that they have outstanding pole skills, it’s time to get a life. When you’re interpreting and writing about that person…well, same thing.

HoDonnell argues that she’s been stripping for 10 years and she knows what she’s doing. Juliette Lewis pipes in that she looks like she’s been stripping for 30 years, so she better. And she does! HoDonnell can really work the pole. She even throws in a split at the end! Even Juliette Lewis is impressed. “But someone of her age should know some tricks,” she adds, cause at the end of the day, HoDonnell is pretty ate up. But she gets a nearly perfect score on her pole routine and the Blue Team is now in the lead.

And then it’s Team Yellow’s turn. I’m sure we’re about to be treated to the Farrah show, but Penthouse is all of the sudden hell bent on swinging on the pole. “I can really do it,” she says eagerly. Farrah’s not sure at first, but ultimately decides it will look good for her if Penthouse totally screws it up. “I’m not afraid. I’ve been there, done that,” says Penthouse humbly, and Oh. My. God. She was not kidding.

Most unnatural natural ever.

Penthouse leaps up on the pool and literally grips the thing in between her legs and starts swinging around. Now I’m no pole dancing expert, but I have never seen anything like this before. Even Bret is open mouthed, and if there’s one thing he knows, it’s pole skills. And roses and thorns. And how to coordinate pleather, although he doesn’t really like to do that anymore.

Farrah’s suspicious. “Wait a minute, you didn’t learn that just now,” she says, marveling over Penthouse’s acrobatics. “I’m figuring this out, I’m like Scooby and Shaggy, solving a mystery,” she drawls. Great analogy, it would take a couple of potheads to figure out from the viselike grip her legs have on the pole that Penthouse just might have done this before. Bret is loving it. And Penthouse’s leg muscles are sick. I can totally see her winning the whole thing over this.

It was a really, really good show and Penty knows it – she leaps joyfully into Farrah’s arms and it seems like it would be a lock. But HoDonnell takes it! Huh? Even HoDonnell is shocked. The only explanation is that the truckers couldn’t handle Penthouse. They were looking for a more garden variety pole ho.

Just keep that forehead hidden and you’ll do fine.

The last event in these fabulous trailer park games is the Dog & Dash Relay. Each team member participates. Which means Farrah finally has to do something. The first ho grabs some tongs and makes a delicious hot dog. She passes it off to the second ho who runs through some tires. It’s then passed to the final ho, who slides on the slip n’ slide, hot dog still in hand, leaps over a giant beer belly – not Boring Butch’s or Farrah’s – and then presents it to the judges.

Gopher reminds us lackadaisically that her team’s in trouble, it’s a chance to step it up, blah, blah, blah. She thinks she’s such a competitor. Nerdy Ho goes first, and seems to be taking her sweet time making her hot dog. Pierced Mute does a perfectly fine job prancing through the tires, but Gopher makes a bit of a mess on the Slip n’ Slide. Way to step it up, ho. “Are you kiddin’ me?” one of the very particular, rat hair infused meat connoisseur truckers ask. But of course, they still eat it. Bret literally falls down laughing. Bret’s so mean to make his hos do this for him, and I totally love him for it. “Don’t quit your day job,” is the high class truckers’ response to Team Green’s dog.

Who works during the day? Don’t be stupid.

They end up with a total of 62 points. Juliette Lewis says that they suck, and then performs a stunt for her team far more impressive than Penty’s pole routine cause well, it doesn’t happen on a pole. Juliette Lewis slides down the Slip and Slide on her knees perfectly, like Bret Michaels onstage in ’87, does an arabesque over the beer belly, a cartwheel that lands her perfectly in front of the trucker judges, where she sinks to one knee and presents her hot dog like she’s presenting it to the Queen of England. 10! 10! 10! This ho rules!

To top it all off, Juliette Lewis performs a little dance for the fancy truckers while they’re eating. Everybody loved that slide. The Blue Team ends up with 82 points, and they take the lead! And then it’s time for the Yellow Team. Farrah says she knows they need 26 points to win, but I think it’s just cause one of the PA’s told her. There’s no way Farrah knows math. Skipper is once again fretting that she hasn’t had a date with Bret and she needs to win this one.

So naturally, she takes her sweet time on the first leg of the relay, prepping her hot dog. Speed it up, ho! Penty, reliable as ever, gets through her part on the tires alright but Farrah totally screws it up. She twists around on the slide like a stuck whale, drops the bun and makes a compete mess. “Got it low carb for you,” she says meekly to the truckers, who no doubt are all on Atkins.

How many points does this thing have?

But Farrah knows she’s blown it, so she’s got a plan. Hmmm, wonder what it could be? Sure enough, she whips out some boob. It all comes down to the last judge. She needs seven points from him, so she crawls on the table over to him…and makes out with him. Oh, ewwww! That was the trucker in the overalls. Double ewwww. But, it works. She lands a nine, cause come on, this is the hottest action this dude has ever or will ever get, and Team Gold takes the win with 84 points!

Boring Butch is pissed. She rips off her trucker hat and once again, complains about Farrah’s boobs. It wasn’t fair, she whines. She’s right. I think a formal grievance should be filed with the International Bret Michaels Truck Stop Games Committee, where rules over boobs is undoubtedly the philosophy. Skipper is thrilled, she thanks her fellow hos and herself and yells to Bret, “Now you can’t send me home!” Uh. Oh.

Bret’s delighted with the outcome of the Truck Stop Games, and so am I! This should be a weekly, prime time game show with hos from the world over. But the stopover in Big Chicken Statue, Alabama is a short one, and in no time, they’re back on the busses and headed to a new town and a new hotel. Decatur, Alabama will be the next lucky city to be stocking up on Valtrex.

After they check into the hotel, Bret comes knocking at their door. The hos scatter in confusion. They weren’t expecting him. “It makes me nervous, are we in trouble?” asks Skipper. Well, I can only assume that Boring Butch did go ahead with her grievance at committee cause Bret says that his erstwhile trucker judges were persuaded by boobs. He wants to make it up to the Blue Team, and invites them onto his bus for some special time. Time on the bus? Juliette Lewis is on that team, you know. Just pointing it out.

Bret tells us that he’s looking for some “innocent fun with adult beverages”. Nothin’ but a good time, how can he resist? He makes margaritas, but politely inquires if anyone would prefer water. “No,” they all reply and make a beeline for the tequila. It makes me miss Hot Mess Marcia Brazil. Moment of silence. Okay, now we’re back with HoDonnell, who really feels the connection with Bret and is very excited to spend some quality time “talking” with him a little more.

HoDonnell does her best in putting the moves on Bret, which includes telling him that she likes sex with the lights on. So you’re telling him has to look at you in the light while you’re doing it? And you think this is a plus, HoDonnell? All this, with Juliette Lewis hanging all over Bret, practically feeling between his legs. Yeah, you’ve got a real chance here, HoDonnell.

This whole show should be done in the dark.

“I’m taking over on the bus,” Juliette Lewis brags, and she so does. “Bret wants me, I want Bret. I’m down with chicks, he’s down with chicks, they can watch,” she continues slurring her sweet nothings. HoDonnell, however, is not down. So Bret would have to do it with her and only her and with the lights on? Forget about it. Juliette Lewis crawls all over Bret and starts making out with him while HoDonnell tells us it was “skanky and low level”. And the problem is what? This is VH1, not the Disney channel.

Then The Ego plays the hos a song. HoDonnell looks at him adoringly, and she’s really not cute. She tells us how sexy it is when a guy is singing to you. And it’s that much sexier with Juliette Lewis and her cheap weave draped over Bret’s leg. He starts making out with Juliette Lewis again, and next thing you know, the whole show moves back to Bret’s room! “You have a shower in here?” is all Boring Butch wants to know while Bret makes out with Juliette Lewis and closes the cheap, fake wood, tour bus door. Bret tells us that there were too many drinks, and the rest of the night is “kind of a blur”. A blur of three naked hos, manwhore!

Well, I think the bus orgy is very exciting stuff, it just grosses me out that Boring Butch and HoDonnell were in it. But when they return to the hotel from the bus, HoDonnell is clearly upset. First timer remorse? No, it seems she was truly skeeved out by the bus orgy. Apparently, Juliette Lewis “ripped her shorts off” and HoDonnell was disgusted. “It’s one thing to make out with someone, it’s another thing to rip your clothes off!” she cries. This ho is really bothered. On one hand, I can’t help but like her for it but one the other hand it’s Bret Michaels doll, what were you expecting? A tea party?

HoDonnell says she’s “fed up and can’t get out of here fast enough”. And sure enough, at the light of day, there she is telling BJ that she really needs to talk to Bret. She couldn’t sleep, and she looks like it. She’s dressed like crap too. “Hello Kamilicious!” Bret coos. Someone’s woken up in a very cheerful mood. But HoDonnell, not so much. He tells us immediately that he has a feeling it’s not going to be good. He makes a last ditch effort and sort of laughingly explains that “things got out of hand last night”, but HoDonnell doesn’t care. She tells him she wants to go.

Then why are your foreheads smiling?

“Things got very physical very quickly,” he explains to her. Oh, thanks for clearing that up. Then, he blames the whole thing on Juliette Lewis! Bret! That was not very gentlemanly! I mean, true, but as I’ve already mentioned, I don’t think Bret would have arranged for this special bus date had Juliette Lewis not been on the Blue Team. Bret wanted to get laid.

Bottom line, HoDonnell is not comfortable and Bret’s not about to change his lifestyle. He does confirm their “connection” though, which is a little surprising. He says the stuff they’ve talked about is deeper than any of his other ho conversations, which isn’t saying a whole lot, but he really does seem to feel bad about her leaving. You can tell, because he doesn’t really ask her to stay. Sounds crazy, I know, but I think it’s a case of if he respects her, he’ll let her go.

HoDonnell tells us that Bret’s a great guy, but she can’t handle the lifestyle. She tells Penthouse and the other blue bus hos about her decision to leave. “If I stay, my heart would be ripped out,” she sobs dramatically. Boring Butch is not impressed. She didn’t want to share either, but it wasn’t so dramatic, she tells us, it was what it was. Really, Boring Butch’s big excitement of the bus orgy was that Bret’s bus has a shower.

Inside, the Blonde-tourage is literally dancing at the news that HoDonnell is leaving. HoDonnell’s sobbing, and they’re doing a jig right in front of her. It’s so stupid, but so funny. “He told me he wanted me to leave with dignity,” HoDonnell says solemnly, while the Blonde-tourage boogies down in the background.

I’m going back to my pole with my head held high.

The busses roll out of wherever in Alabama they are, with the pink bus toasting, “One down, seven to go,” moronically ignoring that the seven to go includes each other. It’s Farrah, Penthouse and Skipper getting ready for their date, which is an amusement park called Alabama Adventure! Because Bret’s a huge rock star, they’ve closed the place down. “It’s a dream come true to close down a park,” Bret boasts, “It’s my own private Wallyworld.” Awww, who doesn’t love Wallyworld? Sorry folks, park’s closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

First up is the bumper cars. They laugh like crazy, but it looked like you kind of had to be there. “There’s boobs and hair flying everywhere,” says Bret delightedly. Then it’s time for the roller coaster. He hops in the car with Penthouse, and starts making out with her. “Lame,” drawls Farrah. Find another word, ho! I’m getting tired of typing it. Then they play a game. “Win us something!” squeals the harem, and he does. “I am great,” he tells us. No one plays a ring toss game like you do, my friend.

And then comes the best part, according to Bret, and that’s the ferris wheel. This time, Farrah gets the alone time. But instead of using her time wisely to make out with him, she uses it to sandbag Penthouse? I don’t get it. “She looks down on us for being strippers, when she’s obviously been a stripper,” Farrah’s going on a mile a minute about Penthouse, and I’m thinking this is a terrible idea. But I have momentarily underestimated Bret’s love of gossip. “That was some of the finest pole work I’ve ever seen,” he confides in Farrah. “I know!” she replies. She knows, she cracked the case.

Is she wearing a star from the Paula Abdul collection? Discuss.

Penthouse stupidly hopes that Farrah is doing exactly what she is doing, she too having underestimated what a girl Bret is. “Ask me about anybody,” Farrah challenges Bret. He loves it. He thinks the conversation was awesome, and it’s so easy to talk to her. Farrah’s a real person, he tells us seriously. Her big balloon boobs and yellow hair beg to differ.

Finally, it’s Skippy’s time to get some quality time with Bret! Finally! She’s so excited, she wants to prove that she has a lot going for her. So the first thing she tells him is that she “dates off looks, not personality”. Bret gives her a look and a little laugh that says you’re cute, but you’re over. He tries to spin it in the total opposite direction by saying she’s wise beyond her years, but it’s really just an excuse to kiss her. Farrah, stalking from across the park, observes that she looks like she’s kissing her Dad.

After the date, Bret walks the hos back to their bus, and sends them on their way. Isn’t this episode so action packed? And this is where the fun really begins. Farrah and Skippy are getting wasted, and they’re blatantly picking on Penthouse. The hos on the blue bus might have their passive aggressive tight little smiles, but these pink bus hos could care less. “Taya, were you ever a stripper?,” Farrah asks. “Once upon a time,” Penthouse admits breezily. Well, she couldn’t exactly have pulled off lying about it after that pole performance.

Farrah’s boobs take a stretch break.

And it turns into a big, messy drunken argument from there. Farrah and Skippy start yelling at her, telling her she’s holier than thou and she’s using Penthouse to win Bret’s love. “I’m a stripper but I don’t bring a pole around with me,” Farrah reasons. Then she accuses Penthouse of being there to further her Penthouse career, to which Penthouse screams exasperatedly, “I’m already Pet of the Year!” Well, can’t argue with that, drunken hos. “Her real name is Laurie!” yells Skippy. She’s such a little brat, I love her.

Ooooh, the Flirty Girl commercial! You know I ordered this like a month ago? I’ve called twice now. They’re super back-ordered, but they’re still showing the commercial. So annoying.

Oh, and we’re going to another one of Bret’s concerts! Bret’s really using his televised time wisely to promote the solo career. He really does put on a good how. “It’s a Fan Jam,” Bret tells us proudly. Smart move, calling it something with the word “Fan” in it instead of just calling it a concert at the Iron Horse Cafe in Dirtroad, Alabama, which is what it really is.

Target Audience

Back on the bus, it’s the funniest high school girlfight ever. “You’re lame,” slurs Farrah to Penthouse. “I don’t care if you think I’m lame,” Penthouse screams back hysterically. Farrah is stumbling around, and Kelsey is stumbling around with a cigarette. They’re wasted, and this is only the beginning. They all get to the concert, and Big John, no doubt having been given the heads up by the production staff about the drunk hos, makes a big speech about the hos being on their best behavior.

All of the hos and Bret too are wearing the silver cowboy hat! Volume discount? We already know from his cheap weave that the budget’s tight this year. And then Farrah and Skippy come stumbling in and the fun really starts! They have a private VIP area, and Farrah and Skippy are getting crazy. They’re crawling all over each other, humping each other, rolling all over each other. It would be hot if it wasn’t so sloppy drunk. Everyone else is pretty much disgusted. Gopher doesn’t want to be associated with them. Even Bret’s not liking it. He looks over and “I see them acting like drunken fools. Hey, I’m the only drunken fool around here!” The Ego decrees. See, you can’t even be drunker than him.

The Ego doesn’t know if Farrah and Skippy are there for his show or for their own show, and this is a huge problem. Big John knows his master, and he’s on top of the situation, shuttling the hos in question over to the side. Farrah thinks he’s joking around, and Skippy’s just drunk and happy. BJ drags them outside, and yells at them, “I asked you not to be slutty!” Who does he think he’s dealing with?

It’s artistic.

“I didn’t do anything,” five year old Skippy whines. “Are you here for Bret or what?” BJ snaps. Farrah is looking like she’s been dragged through a swamp with bubblegum in her hair. BJ banishes them to the bus amidst Skippy’s swearing up a storm. Then she runs off like a madwoman and starts screaming about how she doesn’t know what’s going on and to “get those cameras away from me!” There’s nothing like a reality breakdown that gets so intense, they start screaming for it not to be televised. This looks like a good one!

And indeed it is. Skippy lies down and snuggles up with a speedbump in the middle of the road. She’s a pathetic sight in a pair of tube socks. Back at the concert, Bret’s whooping it up with his harmonica, and backstage, Skippy lies in the middle of the road. “I cracked,” she says simply, in her interview. “I don’t give a crap about Bret!” she says from the middle of the road. Big John comes looking for her. “I’m freaking out. I can’t take the embarrassment. I’ve been lying on a speedbump for the last hour,” she explains pathetically.

Oh, sweetie. We all have to start somewhere.

“I need to talk to you,” BJ begs her. Wow, he’s getting cute and sweet? Roadie of Love with Big John! He gives her the nicest pep talk. “You just had your first date,” he tells her, “and Bret sees your progress and commitment.” What a little cheerleader! “It’s not all in vain,” BJ tells Skippy. “You got a good shot here, kid,” he tells her. Well, not really, but his ‘You can do it champ!’ attitude is sure winning me over. “Now get cleaned up and focus on you,” he concludes.

Back at the concert, Bret bids the Alabamans good night and then tell them “See you tomorrow!” Really? It’s a two parter? The hos get back on the bus to get ready for eliminations, and now Juliette Lewis is just as wasted as Farrah and Skippy. Juliette Lewis was not about to be the only coherent one in the Blonde-tourage. “Where’s Kelsey?” they yell, meandering drunkenly through the bus. “Go away! I don’t want to talk to anyone!” Baby Kelsey cries from her bunk. Boring Butch says Skippy is a fun girl, but she’s young and she shouldn’t be there. She likes her, but she should go home tonight. She doesn’t seem ready for this, but don’t get Boring Butch wrong, she thinks Kelsey is a nice girl. We’ve all been that annihilated, but there’s a time and a place. But she still likes Kelsey as a person. We get it, Butch.

Back on the bus, “People who eat basil are lame!” Juliette Lewis is yelling as she picks through the tiny bus kitchen. “Can you read this?” she asks, inspecting at the back of a Lean Cuisine. She pulls out the tray throws it at Nerdy Ho, who’s sitting by calmly enjoying the show. “They’re a mess,” Nerdy ho reports. She’s not sure they’re going to make it to eliminations. Meanwhile, Farrah is opening drawers and peering inside in fascination and Juliette Lewis is flinging Lean Cuisines everywhere. It’s priceless.

HAHAHAHAHAAAAA

And then it’s time for eliminations. And they look a little sparse. That’s cause the Blonde-tourage is taking their sweet, drunken, giggly time stumbling up on to the elimination platform. Farrah’s wearing blue leg warmers, and all is forgiven. They’re falling all over each other, the stage, the other hos. “Where do I go?” wonders Juliette Lewis, zigzagging through the hos. Gopher tells us they’re proving they need to be eliminated.

“I can’t even spell elimination,” Juliette Lewis slurs. Well, I don’t think that has anything to do with being drunk. “I don’t even know where I am,” she realizes, and then wanders off camera. And then wanders back on camera. And poses. What, no cartwheel? I just love this ho.

Skippy reminds us for the hundredth time that she ended up passed out on a speedbump, which she seems oddly proud of? She says she’s ready for whatever Bret has to say, and then justifies her actions by saying that surely she can’t be the only girl in the history of time who got drunk and laid out of a speedbump. Farrah just stands on the podium and poses.

Bret shows up in a t-shirt and holy crap, that’s an awful lot of makeup. His voice is hoarse, like it always is after a show, cause Bret loves his fans, and he’s not going to waste a lot of time talking. “Kelsey, step down,” he commands. “Here’s the thing,” he tells her, “I’m not sure if the road is the place for us to try and find love.” He tells her it’s tough, and he wonders if she can handle it. She responds with a snort. Daddy Bret sighs and tells her that at one point during the concert, he looked over and she was no longer there. Oh, she’s pissed off The Ego. There’s no going back now, ho.

Then Bret reminds Skippy about the speedbump thing and tells her that Big John had reported back to him that she was saying she couldn’t handle it. Oh, Big John. What happened to having a real shot, kid? Two-faced roadie of love. Kelsey just giggles. Yeah, she’s going down. And not in the good way.

Finally, Bret tells Skipper that he thinks she’s, of course, awesome, and of course, beautiful, but he has to make the decisions for her. “I’m gonna let your tour end here,” he says generously, like he’s doing her a huge favor. Farrah and Juliette Lewis are shocked and all of the sudden, a little scared. Bret has Big John “escort the lady” to the bus, which is a little off procedure, but hey, that’s life on the road. Skipper says she’s going back to Utah, and that her next boyfriend probably won’t be forty-four. Mean little Skipper, but let’s just say it’s the booze talking.

I haven’t come up with an excuse for this face yet, but I’m working on it.

“I don’t think she has any of my clothes,” Juliette Lewis whispers to Farrah, clearly devastated at the loss of her fellow Blonde-tourager. But neither one of those hos are in the clear yet either. “The two of you caused me a lot of heartache,” Daddy Bret scolds them. Oh, come on, it was a shot for The Ego that they cared more about getting drunk and on each other than your solo songs. It was hardly a heartbreak.

Juliette Lewis doesn’t know what’s going on. “I feel like shit and I’m worried about puking on Bret,” she says coquettishly. He tells them they need to learn when to cut it off, calls them Double Trouble, tells them their insanity and craziness is “not good”, which I don’t really buy, but in the end they get to stay. Whew! That was a real nail biter. I couldn’t do this without my two star hos. Especially now that the cute, dumb one’s gone.

Farrah says she doesn’t know how it happened. What the heck, ho? You admitted on the first day you were a blackout drunk. Do you really not know how that happens? They walk off the platform, right past Bret, and he leaves us with some of his wisdom from the road. “Life on the road is a balance. It can bite you in the ass.” There’s nothing like the deep introspective musings of Bret Michaels.

He does bid Skipper a final farewell, “Love you, miss you, mean it,” he says. She was a cutie, but really not cut out for this. Next week, Boring Butch finally shows that psycho side we’ve known was there since we found out she knew all the words to his solo songs. Kisses everywhere til then…