Rock of Love Bus: Hoku

Welcome back onboard the Rock of Love Bus! Let me Clorox the bus for you sweeties, and then we’re back on the road!

Fix those shorts. Wouldn’t wanna look like a slut or anything.

So, last time I thought I had taken the prize for the latest recap ever, but what do you know? I’m back and later than ever before. What can I say, I’m always proud to beat a personal best.

It’s the morning and big surprise, Penthouse Taya is a morning person. It’s early, and she’s chattering on a mile a minute. It’s her Mom’s birthday, don’t let her forget to call. They should have a moment of silence for Pierced Mute Brittanya and some shaving cream incident. Something about resolving a situation with a hamper? Deluded Ho Janey confirms that Penty does talk incessantly. About nothing. A suitcase. Curlers. Her favorite movie. A bat in a belfry? And this is all in one morning! I’m with the other hos on this one. I’m pretty chatty myself, but never before noon.

They get outside to the pink bus, where Boring Butch Beverly plucks out today’s love note…and we’re going to Orlando! Ahhh, Orlando. Where every fat ass in America comes to wear shorts. Gopher Mindy looks horrified, but Penty does a happy dance. They land at the Universal Orlando Resort and they’re all pretty excited. For some reason, there’s a red carpet and a step and repeat set up for the hos outside the Hard Rock Hotel. They’re ushered inside with Orlando’s version of trendy people, which basically means they just have unfortunate hair.

Whatever you do, don’t get your hair done in Orlando.

Up in the suite, the hos have been gifted with various Orlando themed clothes. Free advertising for when they go home – come to Orlando! We don’t have nearly enough people clogging up our city. And then Boring Butch discovers all the various Hard Rock themed items littering the room. She starts packing up the loot. Sure, if there’s Kiehls in the bathroom, I mean, that’s useful, but poker chips from the Hard Rock? I don’t think they’re meant to go home with you. Especially when the plan is to gift them to your nine year old son, as Boring Butch plans on doing. Hi honey, Mommy’s back from chasing old rocker ass around the country in a diseased bus and she’s brought you some poker chips!

When you’re sick of playing you can take this to school as your lunchbox. It fits a flask and a pbj sandwich perfectly.

But we’ve got a bigger problem here, and that’s Gopher. She’s been acting strange ever since the Orlando note. Penty and Deluded Ho, who just gets less and less cute with each passing shot, wonder if Gopher’s breaking down. She really does look like she’s on the verge. And all of the sudden she’s sobbing. Deluded Ho tells us Gopher’s in her own soap opera. Deluded’s in her own slumber party with Boring Butch in her lap, braiding her hair which for some reason totally creeps me out. Gopher’s realizing that someone’s heart is going to get broken. Penty feels bad for little Gopher, who’s never been in a serious relationship, but cheerfully informs us that once she gets over some of those issues, “she’ll be an amazing and well rounded person.”

Gopher’s really feeling sorry for herself. And I know Bret loves her bod, but she’s got pretty big shoulders. She’s been waiting her whole life for someone to realize that she’s a good person, but she’s still single! She’s never even been engaged! Ummm, hello issues that have nothing to do with the Rock of Love Bus? Then she ends with a battle cry about how she always loses at the game of love, but this time she’s gonna win. Sure, cause the player that cries to the competition usually takes it.

Nothing like dragging your ass around on a stank bus with a bunch of ho’s to make you feel like you’re on the path to true love.

“What up, ladies?” yells Big John, wheeling some leopard print covered cart into the room. This is the second week in a row when BJ looks like his old self. He needs to figure out what he was doing to make himself look hot again, or I’m dropping my support for Roadie of Love. Turns out Bret’s doing a live recording session today and the challenge is to write a song to his music and sing a duet! And now, Gopher’s really unhappy. She can’t sing. And given all the cringing I do over her regular voice, I understand. I don’t think anyone wants to hear that squeaky tune.

What happened?

But the other hos get to writing. Boring Butch and Penty are doing just fine, and while this is yet another challenge that isn’t Deluded Ho’s thing, she’s at least trying to make it fun. Poor Gopher slumps in a chair, whining to Penty that she’s not “as methodical” about the task and she doesn’t know if she should even bother trying. Oh, there’s the whiney Gopher of days past! She tells Penty that she has one good sentence. “Well, if you have one good sentence, you can sing it to the music,” Penty explains patiently. But nothing’s going to deter Gopher from flying into a full blown panic over this.

Penty tells us that she’s got this one – her Dad’s a musician and they used to sing all the time over in that bar he raised her in. “And again, I have to avert my goal to calm down Mindy,” she tells us. Penty’s growing on me a bit today. This isn’t her problem, but there she is, looking over Gopher’s notepad and trying to explain verse and chorus to her while Gopher yells hysterically across the table “I can’t sing! I can’t do this!”, like it’s all somehow Penty’s fault.

“Do something! Anything other than, ‘I can’t sing!’”, Penty finally says, mimicking Gopher quite nicely. Boring Butch is pretty pleased with her song. She thinks it’s catchy and it’s already stuck in her head. Deluded Ho is all ready to suck, but she’s just going to shake her ass around and hope for the best. Hey, a plan’s a plan.

He’s never gonna wanna have kids with me now.

BJ fetches the hos, and herds them onto the bus where Gopher finally manages to get it together at the last minute and write a song. She’s still not sure how to sing it, but she’s written just what she wants to say to Bret which I think was the point in the first place. They get to the studio, and meet up with Bret and one of his friends from the 80′s. Bret tells them that the ho who sings with the most confidence wins. Guess what they win? An “awesome” date! Who saw that coming?

But I have spoken too soon, cause it really is the awesome date – another private jet trip to Bret’s concert! It’s a little lazy to do the same date twice, but it’s such a good one. “This should be fun,” predicts Bret. And Boring Butch is up first.

The music starts, and Bret sits next to her strumming his guitar and making ‘I’m a serious musician’ faces. And Boring Butch’s song is good! And she can sing it! All’s fair in love, war and rock and roll, says Boring Butch’s song. True that, honey. Boring Butch is impressed that she’s standing there singing with Bret, and Bret is impressed that “my uber-fan’s got pipes!”

The first draft was about hockey, but I couldn’t rhyme that with skanks.

Next up is Deluded Ho, who’s just going to rock out and hope that she doesn’t bust anyone’s eardrums. Sure enough, Deluded Ho really sucks. Her song’s stupid, she can’t sing for shit, but you know what, she got up there and, as Randy Jackson would say, she worked it out. Bret tells her that she had confidence, and that’s the most important. Still deluded, but at least she tried.

You’ve given Penty a headache. Well done!

Then it’s Penty’s turn. Deluded Ho is certain that Penty will have an awful, squeaky voice…but Penty kind of sings like an angel. The lyrics are sappy and lame, but she sounds amazing. And all the other hos are very, very jealous! They cluster around the table looking pissed. “Of course she can sing. She’s perfect,” they lament to each other. Dolls, in my book, you handed her the win right there.

Good call.

Then, Gopher, who would probably be crumpled up on the floor of the Hard Rock Hotel mumbling an endless loop of “I can’t sing!” were it not for Penty trying to be a good friend, tells the other two hos that wouldn’t it be funny if instead of a Penthouse, Penty was really on the bus to promote a singing career? “Ya think?” Boring Butch replies sarcastically. Yeah, crucify the talented, ambitious one who also managed to dress herself in an I Heart Bret t-shirt. It’s so much easier than making things happen for yourself. Penty finishes her song and Bret gives her a soft “very good”.

And then it’s time to torture Gopher. She gets on the stage, even more upset for having to follow Penty. She starts off completely defeated, but Bret tries to help her get her song together. Penty points out that Gopher’s lack of confidence is really showing. Bret’s super supportive, but Gopher really sucks. All this time, I thought nothing could sound worse than her everyday voice, but what do you know. Sometimes I’m wrong. But you know, her lyrics aren’t bad. She wrote a good song for him, but she couldn’t deliver it.

Not like that, you won’t.

Deluded Ho feels sorry for Gopher, especially for having to follow Penty, but she’s at least happy that someone has a worse singing voice than her. Gopher stops her song in the middle, whining, “I’m just lost.” Bret sweetly lets her off the hook, and sends the hos outside while he and his buddy from the Poison days confer on the winner. Outside, the hos talk about how much they want the date.

Boring Butch gets good reviews for her song. Bret points out that Boring Butch has overconfidence and “unconfidence” at the same time, and it’s a battle. I love it when Bret makes up new words. Deluded Ho gets bad reviews for the song. Bret’s pal tells him the song was supposed to be about her feelings for him, not about text messaging her heart, or whatever Hillary Duff thing she was singing about. But Bret loved Deluded Ho’s confidence. “She gets it. She gets the rock and roll lifestyle,” he says.

They pretty much gloss over Penty, who was clearly the best, although Bret does mention, “It’s not her first time at the rodeo…in the studio,” he adds, trailing off at the end, which was cute because Bret doesn’t normally pick up on the fact that his quips don’t make sense. And then they move on to Gopher. One thing Bret loves about her is that she doesn’t give up, he says. That’s nice, but how did he manage to miss the part where she stopped singing in the middle of the song?

Can I have her?

Outside, Gopher is telling Penty how funny they all thought it was that she might be there promoting singing instead of Penthouse. Gopher’s laughing and just generally being jealous and mean. Penty is not amused. She tells us it’s the icing on the cake.

BJ takes the hos back into the studio, where Bret gives a long winded speech about vocal quality and confidence, and then finally announces Penty as the winner. Good for you ho, you deserved it! And that’s the only love that Penty’s getting. The other hos are silent. “I win, and it’s like crickets,” she tells us, annoyed. She’s not the only one. “A little round of applause,” Bret encourages them sarcastically, and they manage to put together a few golf claps. Smart strategy, hos. Bret’s totally okay with jealous girls, what with being a rock star and all.

But, he continues, they did feel it was pretty close, and they do happen to have one more seat on the jet, so he’s giving the other three hos a phone, and whoever gets the call back gets to come too! Penty isn’t happy about this. She won the date, why does she have to share it?

And she’s sharing it with Boring Butch. “This is so Beverly!” she screeches when she picks up the phone. Great, well, we’re going to Texas is Bret’s half assed reply. I’m not sure Bret’s still onboard his own bus anymore, you know what I mean? Penty and Boring Butch go back to the hotel to pack, and so Penty can stir up a little drama.

She’s singing her own song right now.

She starts reviewing Gopher’s mean comment about her being there to promote her singing, and trying to pump Boring Butch for more information about it. Okay, let me hop off the Penty train for a minute to say this is stupid. First of all, Gopher already told her everything, and second of all, I think she’s being a little over sensitive. And a hypocrite. I don’t begrudge her looking out for herself in the process of landing Bret, but don’t act all offended when someone points it out.

Boring Butch says that it’s bad enough having to listen to Gopher complaining about every single thing, but now she’s got to listen to Penty complaining about Gopher! And she’s still got to smuggle all that Hard Rock minibar stuff out for her twelve year old. Who’s got the time to listen to all the drama? She tells Penty not to let it ruin her night, and they’re off.

They get on the bus, and Boring Butch tarted up! I applaud the effort, but it’s saggy one cause she’s done it up without a bra. Three kids, honey. Do us all a favor, please? They chat with Bret on the bus and Penty passive aggressively mentions how enchanted Boring Butch was to be on stage with him at the last concert.

You should have stolen a t-shirt.

Back at the hotel, Deluded Ho and Gopher are bumming around. It occurs to Deluded Ho that she needs to do something to make Bret notice her, so she comes up with a plan for her and Gopher to take slutty pictures of each other to give to Bret. Creative, proactive…I like it! Deluded Ho stays in the game, and I like that too. She actually looks kind of hot in her pictures and even gets Gopher to stop being a sourpuss and have a little fun with it. That was a bigger challenge than singing.

We jump over back to Bret, Penty and Butch, who are now in a limo. Penty’s plan is to pretend Butch isn’t even on the date. Shouldn’t be too difficult, with Boring Butch slumped over in the corner of the limo, making a childish face and letting her boobs sag everywhere. They get to the festival, where Bret tells us that it’s the first year for this thing, and he’s honored to be there. “Let’s rock this place,” he says, less than enthusiastically.

Boring Butch tells us this is the ultimate date for her, and then Bret comes out on stage singing the same song they always show him singing on these concert dates. Penty and Boring Butch dance around on the side of the stage, with Penty pausing to tell us that she wishes Boring Butch would get her “rock hands” out of her face. Indeed, Boring Butch appears to have locked her fingers in that devil horn rocker symbol and incorporated it into her dancing. Boring Butch says that Penty is doing a “swivellly Penthouse dance” and it looks stupid. Yeah, your boy dance is so much better.

You’re both an embarrassment. Now hug.

After the show Bret gives his usual speech about the fans and how it’s all for them. He signs a bunch of autographs in his American flag hats. It looks like he’s even signing an oil painting of himself! At one point, he’s introduced to a granny in a trucker hat. “She’s your oldest fan,” someone tells him. “And my hottest!” Bret quips back, cause just he’s equal opportunity when it comes to the ladies and that’s why we love him. Granny bats her eyes behind her spectacles and puffy old lady perm. What a minx.

“What in the who is in that bag?” Bret asks Boring Butch when they get back in the limo. There’s a monkey. He’s confused. Turns out, Boring Butch is taking this time to get in an autograph session for her kids. Penty is curled up next to Bret while he signs stuffed animals and stolen Hard Rock souvenirs for Boring Butch, who at this point is just another fan who snuck her way into the limo. Boring Butch complains about Penty being there, and then slouches down and chugs on a bottle of beer.

They get back to the hotel the next morning, and whatever happened between the limo and then…well, I want to say it was too wild to show on VH1, but I actually think they all just got a good night’s sleep, cause the Blonde-tourage took all the fun with them when they went back to the strip club in Vegas. Penty’s not really talking to Gopher, and when Gopher asks if she’s okay, Penty tells her she’ll talk to her when she’s out of the shower.

I was thinking of adding some spice to the bus…

When Penty gets out of the shower, Gopher is being silly in the room with the other hos. And now Penty’s pissed. She was just waiting for Gopher to not desperately ask her what’s wrong, so she can accuse Gopher of not caring. And she does. Gopher tells her that she figured Penty would talk when she was ready. After her shower, whenever.

So for the most part, I’m on Penty’s side today. It’s not her fault she’s good at things, and I certainly appreciate a ho who always brings her A-game. And Gopher’s acting like Jan Brady. But Penty’s being really overly sensitive about it. Gopher’s a jealous ho. You win. Let it go.

Penty calls Gopher “evil” for daring to joke that she might have an agenda, and then starts sobbing. And this is where I’m back on team Penty, cause Gopher immediately starts rolling her eyes in her interview and saying how Penty’s the competition, and “it’s not my job to be Taya’s cheerleader.” Is she serious? Is she crazy? Is she stupid? After Penty took time away from her song to help Gopher with hers?

“I’m a jokester! I put meat in people’s shoes,” chortles Gopher. So, yes on the stupid. Penty keeps the fight going. She mentions Boring Butch, and then yells at Boring Butch for getting involved when she hears her name. And now Boring Butch is in on it. She and Penty are fighting about the date the night before, with Penty saying that she’s sorry that Bret liked her more – then she realizes that no, she’s not sorry. “She’s just lucky she got her little bears signed,” Penty says sweetly.

And then it’s a little quality time with Bret and his Rock of Love chef coat. Penty finds it adorable. “I’ve been known to scramble an egg or two in my day,” brags Bret. And he cooks them breakfast. But nothing’s free, and Bret wants dirt for eggs. Boring Butch tries to get Penty to spill about the room drama, but Penty just shrugs it off.

Now watch in amazement as I flambe these Fruity Pebbles.

Gopher talks about how perfect Penty is and how she can never admit anything’s wrong. So, she paints a pretty picture. Look, not everyone’s got the energy, or the complete lack of anything else going on in their life to devote to complaining all the time. Some people just find it easier to smile and carry on with their day.

After breakfast, Bret takes Gopher for a little alone time. He knows she had a hard time with the challenge the day before, and he thinks she needs TLC. He tells her he wants to get to know her better, and she asks him, “What do you need from me?” Like there’s some forms to fill out, and she has to provide a driver’s license? Bret kind of gives her an exasperated look.

Then Gopher comes up with the absolutely brilliant plan to “throw Taya under the bus”. She tells him that “obviously, Taya and I have a very close relationship” and then proceeds to talk, once again, about how perfect Penty is all the time. See, Jan Brady. Taya, Taya, Taya! Bret is completely annoyed. He’s trying to get to know Gopher, but instead he’s learning a lot about Penty. “I just can’t read her sometimes. Am I being played?” says Gopher idiotically.

And then it’s Deluded Ho’s turn to complain. She hasn’t had any time with Bret either. And he doesn’t really seem to care much about that. But she figures out the perfect way to interrupt his caucus with Gopher, and she brings him her sexy guitar picture in a frame. To be nice, she also brings Gopher’s. Bret thought it was a very productive use of their spare time. And then he kicks the hos out of the room.

Now go. And don’t come back without a beaver shot.

Gopher complains that her time with Bret was interrupted, and then she flips her hair around. It was a real shame that she didn’t get to finish complaining about Penty’s perfection. She seemed to be getting so far with it.

And then it’s time for elimination. Penty wants Boring Butch to go home, for complaining about her instead of stepping up her own game. Well, by that logic, shouldn’t Gopher have to hit the pavement too? As for Gopher, she’s not confident because she hasn’t had as much time “as I should have had with him.” Like he owes it to her. This bad attitude is making her pathetic. And that ugly dress isn’t helping either. Sequins don’t make it any less frumpy.

Penty gets the first pass, and Boring Butch makes a gagging gesture. A little more of that on the overnight honey, and maybe that first pass could have been yours. The next girl is Deluded Ho, who gives a speech about how they’re really “connecting”.

Which brings us down to Gopher and Penty. Bret’s worried that Gopher’s more concerned about her relationship with Penty than she is about Bret. And then he calls Gopher down. He tells her that her heart and soul have to be into this. She promises and sobs, realizes that she nearly lost him and all of the sudden “this is real”. Gopher’s having a revelation. And she’s gotten a pass.

Boring Butch looks really thick tonight. Bret tells her that she can’t separate the boyfriend from the rock star. Wow, his weave’s awfully shiny. Does he use special shampoo? Boring Butch has been dreaming of him since her first Poison concert, and she’s sad to watch him walk away. “In the end, Beverly fell in love with Bret Michaels, the rock star,” Bret sighs, cause it’s a hard life, you know. Kisses til we meet again…

Minwax