Rock of Love Bus: Moon Over Miami

Another morning in Orlando on the Rock of Love Bus! Do I miss Boring Butch Beverly? I can’t decide. Then I have to listen to Deluded Ho Janie’s daily deluded rant about how it’s really for real and she’s “getting ready to fall for Bret” and remember that even Boring Butch had a better shot than this ho and I want her back. But in the meantime, we’re going to Miami!

Sexiest. City. EVAH!

Whiney Gopher Mindy looks cute in tiny shorts and a tiny shirt and pigtails. Gopher’s got the sickest abs, and also she tells us she’s starting to “see herself as Bret’s girlfriend”. So moping around the bus all day wasn’t working out, now we’re moving on to visualization. Deluded Ho is once again attired in the gold headscarf. What look is she going for here, exactly? Stupid, unfashionable and on meth? If so, totally working.

Hey, weren’t you in Big?

The hos pull into Miami and land at the Sagamore which is the first quality hotel we’ve seen on the Rock of Love franchise. I love how in the beginning when there were heaps of hos they were relegated to the Motel 6, but now that they only have to buy one room they get the nice hotel. And it’s a fond farewell to the diseased pink bus – Penthouse Taya hated that bus. “It never smelled right,” she tells us. Well, imagine that. Think of the hos who originally inhabited that bus and just imagine th – actually, don’t. Really, don’t.

The hos head up to their rooms, which Deluded Ho christens “swanky”. When I rule the world, anyone under sixty who calls places “swanky” and not in an ironic way should not be allowed at said places. We could have dumped Deluded right then and there and had a whole episode of In Treatment with Penty and Gopher. Anyway, the suite at the Sagamore is very nice. And then we catch up with Bret, who tells us that it’s been a while since he’s seen his hos and he’s “jonesing to see them”. He’s also got something “hot and amazing” for them…oh baby, I love it when you talk dirty.

But what’s hot and amazing is actually what Bret calls Carnival outfits, and what the hos call Mardi Gras outfits. Either way, they’re kind of awful, but hey, if that’s what Bret wants. “It’s fun, beady, cheesy, gaudy, I love it!” exclaims Deluded Ho. Is she talking about Bret or the costumes? Oh well, either way. Naturally, whiney Gopher hates it. Everyone pause to be shocked. “It doesn’t look like me or anything I’d put on,” she says sourly. Well, it looks like Bret, so does that mean you’re not planning on getting him on you either? Penty rolls her eyes as Gopher storms out of the room in yet another hissy fit, and says that Gopher “is the most fit one of all of us”, so what the heck’s her problem?

That bed looks hot. He should just pick the bed.

There’s lots of black boxes on the screen as the hos adjust their tacky, Bret-sanctioned ensembles, and Penty helps Deluded Ho fasten her costume on. “Of course Taya knows where all the buckles and the snaps are and that’s kind of odd cause it looks like a stripper outfit,” Gopher says suspiciously. First of all, it just looks like some tacky costume, not a stripper outfit. You want a stripper outfit, you should have paid better attention to Flasher Heather. She was just there for crying out loud. And second of all, are all “stripper” outfits constructed exactly alike with buckles and snaps in the exact same locations? Or is it possible that perhaps Penthouse just knows how to dress herself? Or wait, wait, I know! Penty divined that there were going to be complicated slutty outfits to change into once they got to Miami and figured out the snaps in advance! I warn you right now, I have very little nice to say about Gopher today. Of course that means I should say nothing at all…or does it mean I should totally skewer her? Whatevs, I’m going with option two.

After the drama of getting dressed, the hos head out to the huge patio where Bret (‘s production staff) has organized a little party! Penty and Deluded come prancing out in their ridiculous costumes, laughing and having fun. And there’s Gopher, with her shirt not even on right, and a pair of jeans. She’s got a delightful combo of bitching/sourpuss face going on, and the steel drum drummer is not going with it. “Come on honey, don’t take it so seriously,” he drawls in what we may as well call a Miami accent. I love the steel drum drummer. We might want to consider him as a replacement for Big John, whose look is definitely going downhill, and who, to my knowledge, has no steel drum playing skills.

I’m just keeeeeeding!

Anyway, the very self-aware Gopher replies, “I’m not gonna stand her and pretend everything is fine and dandy when IT ISN’T!!!” She’s shrieking. And then comes the inevitable montage of Gopher’s freakouts and pouts, which is pretty great. There are a lot. I lost count weeks ago. All capped off by one more “I would never wear this,” from grumpy old Gopher. Deluded calls her out on the bad ‘tude, and says she should just live for the moment. But how? When her costume doesn’t fit, and she doesn’t know how to write music and Penty’s so busy being perfect , just how is she supposed to do that, Deluded Ho? HOW?

LOL

So, bottom line the other two are tarted up per Bret’s request, and Gopher’s wearing a shirt she was too depressed to button right and jeans. Although, it does look like her boob’s hanging out at this point, and that can’t be a losing proposition with Bret. Or any other guy. They all sit down together, and Bret tells them it’s been intense, and it’s only going to get harder, and hey let’s play some music! He asks if they’re brought their I Heart Bret lyrics, and then teases Gopher that she’s going first. The face doesn’t crack. “It’s hard to have emotion when you’re wearing a crazy costume,” she says out of the corner of her mouth. Mope, whine, complain, rinse, repeat.

So Gopher has another tantrum about how she looks ridiculous and “I’m not gonna wear it!” Somebody slap her, please? They all try and talk her into it, and Bret notes that while the other two are “having the time of their life”, which might be a slight exaggeration, but obviously the Ego got an invite to tonight’s shindig as well, Gopher is “having a fit”. Poor Bret, had to give up time with your actual children for this. Finally, he lays down the law, half joking, half get a grip or I’ll pull over this diseased motorcoach and give you something to have a fit about. “Put a damn bikini on, for heaven’s sakes you’re in Miami!” Bret yells at Gopher.

LOL

Gopher’s still pissed. Now she’s not just mad about the costume, she’s also on some rant about how she doesn’t have to “prove” she looks good naked. No one’s saying that Goph, if you didn’t look good naked obviously you would have gotten ditched after the private jet date. But you do need to prove that you’re not a total drag so can you just put the fucking headpiece on already? Get Penty to fasten you in. She’ll do it perfectly.

And while Gopher’s off pitching her fit, Bret’s not happy. So he does what any girl would do, he gossips to the other hos about it. Will M join the party? xoxo, Bret. Actually, he just says something about not being able to read her. Really? Let me translate. She’s moody, jealous, desperately insecure and boring as hell and if you pick her, you will spend every waking moment until you dump her for Rock of Love Four convincing her that she could be in Penthouse, too.

“So I’m trying to have the time of my life, and there’s Captain Buzzkill,” he tells us. He’s picking up on her mood swings, or “funks” as she calls them. And then, the buzzkill’s back, this time in a sailor’s outfit? Bret is just as confused as anyone else. And not too happy. “What’s going on there, Captain Steubing,” he quips. Listen honey, we act out the costume fantasies of the guy who got the show named after him, not some lame Marine thing that you scrape out of the bottom of your duffel bag. And by the way, that’s her idea of a slutty sailor? It’s a bikini top, gym shorts and a sailor’s cap. Color me very unimpressed.

I did it myyyyyyy waaaaay!

And now it’s time for Bret’s “killer question”. He’s been wanting to ask it all day. It’s the if you can’t have me, who should question that he always asks. Deluded Ho thinks Gopher, because she doesn’t have anything to promote, and nothing to gain. Yup, nothing to live for, vote for her! Penty is of course affronted by the implication that she is there for something to promote, and she tells us she’s sick of hearing about it. I am too. Penty has a career. A naked career, but a career. Bret needs to deal or not, and the other hos, unemployed hos, I might add, unless Deluded got paid for her services as a groupie, need to get a job.

Next for the “killer question” is Penty. But first, Bret tells her to “take a breath” after Deluded’s promotion comment. And Penty too chooses Gopher, because Gopher is in the position to just follow him around. And of course, Gopher is affronted by the backhanded compliment, which wasn’t even a compliment at all, and not particularly backhanded either. It was more of a front-handed “Get a life, ho.”

There there. Stay pretty.

And then it’s Gopher’s turn. Bret tells her to “speak from your soul”. And I don’t even catch if Gopher chooses Penty or Deluded, cause whatever she had to say turned into yet another anti-Penty rant. She can’t admit she’s wrong about anything. She’s too perfect. She can’t admit mistakes. And Deluded’s in on it too. I’m just as sick of these insecure hos as Penty is. Penty never claimed to be perfect, she just happens to be good at a lot of things and they happen to be good at…moping? Looking ridiculous in a gold head scarf? And what are all these mistakes that Penty can’t admit to? Give specific examples.

And once the silly catfighting begins, Bret’s out of there. He tells the hos they’re down to “what really matters”, and “the road can do mysterious things to people”. Ooooh. Foreboding. He kisses Deluded Ho goodnight, and then Penty, while bummer Gopher just walks back into the room. But then Gopher realizes she forgot her stupid sailor cap, so she goes back over to Bret to get it. And she also wants to talk to him. Bret’s happy that she came back…until she starts talking. This time the problem isn’t her cringe-inducing voice, but more problems with Penty. “I like her as a person, but she’s just not the right girl for you,” Gopher begins. Gopher, can you try not to act like such a jackass? It’s really not healthy for me to have angst like this.

But Gopher doesn’t get far, cause who knows better how to shut a ho the hell up than Bret? “It’s time to implement Operation Change The Subject,” he announces. So he starts making out with her. I’d rather see this than listen to one syllable Gopher has to say. She’s thrilled. “It’s hot when someone seizes the moment and takes matters into their own hands,” she gurgles. Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy who only wants your mouth open for one reason.

You’re gonna have the best fake relationship ever!

Deluded and Penty watch from behind a wall, and now Penty starts sobbing. Oh, easy to be all zen about the ho when you think you’ve got her beat, huh? “This is what Bret looks like making out with his girlfriend,” Gopher brags from her interview. I am not lying, if this ho wins I’m making a phone call and sanctioning a beat down. What? I know people. Although on second thought, there might not be a call for violence here. I could just get a gang together to laugh at her and tell her she sucks at life. I know. I took a really big mean pill today.

Between sobs, Penty manages to get out of Deluded that the only reason she answered Gopher over Penty to the “killer question” is because “if I’m up against her, I win, if I’m up against you, I don’t know what happens.” There’s a reason why we’re calling her deluded. As much as I’m beginning to loathe Gopher, it would still be no contest between her and the dumb gold headscarf. Anyway, the really stupid thing about this statement is that she said it to Penty, who immediately latches on and decides, “Janie’s playing a game, and I’m the one who belongs with him.” Of course she’s playing a game! It is a game! Are people supposed to be there to lose?

The next morning, Big John busts into the room telling Deluded and Penty that if he’s up, they have to be up. And also, that Bret’s taking them on a date. Gopher is stuck back at the hotel, and Bret’s just hoping that doesn’t cause an “avalanche of mood swings”. He meets them outside on a helipad, and Penty’s really excited. She does a little dance, and Bret tells her she has “happy feet”, which I think is kind of adorable. I love that whole happy feet thing, it’s such a nice concept. Ugh, but my warm fuzzies are gone a second later when I spy Deluded decked out in the gold headscarf again! This ho is killing me! I want to strangle her with that thing.

HAWT

So, the date is a helicopter ride over Miami. Penty thinks it’s great. “He trumps his dates and trumps himself,” she tells us. Deluded says her heart is pounding, but she isn’t sure if it’s over Bret or the helicopter. They land somewhere, and just as Penty’s chirping away about how he made the perfect day for them, Bret tells them they have one more surprise coming. It’s a picnic. Not too exciting. And I have to note, what’s with Bret’s braids? I don’t like them at all. My best guess is that things are just too busy on the road and he hasn’t had time to schedule in weave maintenance.

The minute they sit down at the picnic table, Penty attacks. She wants Bret to know, but no offense to Deluded, that Deluded told her the night before that she only said Bret should pick Gopher over Penty because she thinks she could beat Gopher, which clearly proves that Deluded is here playing a game. Never mind that Penty’s report to Bret is a move in the very same game. A game within a game. Very meta.

Deluded denies everything with an “I don’t recall that”, which everyone knows is fancy talk for “I said it but I’m not backing it”. She tells us in her interview that Penty “sucks”. “She’s so not right for him,” Deluded continues. Her eye makeup is horrifying. It goes perfectly with the gold headscarf though. Actually, her whole look is kind of horrifying. Pasty and strange. I really have no idea how she’s even made it this far.

I predict gas will go up ten cents this week.

“Well, I’m just being honest,” say both of them. Everyone’s honest and no one’s playing a game. Lucky Bret. Penty changes the subject to how she always puts the other person first, which Deluded retorts makes Penty “insincere and fake”. Bret likes that Penty’s a “people pleaser”, but he can’t tell if it’s real or if it’s fake. Bret’s concerned about Penty’s sincerity. I think it’s really fucked up that you can’t be a genuinely kind and giving person without being accused of being manipulative and fake.

“Maybe what I need is someone who rolls…or maybe what I need is someone serious…or just someone who rolls,” Bret doesn’t know what he’s talking about anymore. All knows is he needs someone who’s going to make Season Four possible.

The next day, another note arrives from Bret – this time, it’s a double date for Deluded and Gopher. Something about wind in their hair, and danger being their friend. Wind in the hair? Bret really shouldn’t be taking chances like this. I don’t know what the hell’s going on with those braids, but wind could mean disaster. Deluded thinks it’s great that Bret wants to take her out on a second date. “He’s feeling me and it feels good,” she says, never tiring of proving why we’re calling her Deluded. Penty isn’t happy about the other girls getting the date. I really hope Penty isn’t starting to crack. “These girls are, sorry gonna have to channel Farrah and Ashly, lame,” Penty informs us. See, even Penty misses those hos.

Bret explains why he invited Deluded on the second date. First of all, he needs to get to know her better. And also, she’s insurance in case Gopher gets in a bad mood. Only Bret could pull off bringing a backup date. On the actual date. He tells us they’re going on the “most romantic date in the history of mankind”, which turns out to be a swamp boat gator date. They get in the boat, Bret in the middle with a ho on either side. First he makes out with Deluded. “I get to make out with Bret in a gator boat!” she brags moronically, “Who else can say that?”

Well, Gopher. Bret turns to her next and says, “Kissage,” which makes me cringe. I don’t know if I could kiss someone who said that to me. Gopher looks a little weirded out too to be honest, but she really doesn’t have a choice in the matter. “I can now officially say I’ve kissed two hot girls on a gator boat,” Bret brags. This is why Bret and Penty are perfect together. Who else could spin that gator boat date into something positive?

Do I stink?

And then we head to our second picnic of the episode. Bret really likes his picnics. Also, restaurants in Miami are very expensive. Banjo music plays in the background while Bret tells the hos to “divvy out the food” while he opens the champagne. As soon as they sit down, Bret’s down to business. I would like to point out that the while Bret did his part and everyone’s got champagne, the food isn’t divvied up at all. If Penty had been there, everyone would have a perfectly divvied plate. So Bret asks Gopher what she likes to do on a date. “In the regular world?” asks Gopher, “This is the coolest thing ever.” She tells us that “it just feels right”. Oh. Well, let’s just send the other two home then. It feels right for Gopher, end of story.

Bret tells us how much fun it is to be with Gopher when she’s in a good mood. I can see that, but at the end of the day, Gopher’s stable moments are few and far between. Moods like that need to be medicated regularly. And I’m not even trying to be mean about it, just helpful.

Next up is Deluded, who tells him on her real world dates, “I better be in a private jet!” Salty, I like it. But then she veers off onto some nonsensical monologue about how she’s looking to date and doesn’t want to get married right away because they need to get to know each other better. I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it, sweetheart. But Bret of course manages to say something nice about how he likes that Deluded isn’t afraid to say what she thinks.

Even if she doesn’t…think.

Then he gets back to his favorite thing, gossip. He starts asking about Penty, and oh my. That was all they needed. She’s too good to be true. She’s calculating. She brought a wardrobe of pre-made “I Love Bret” t-shirts. Pre-made shirts? OMG. She’s so horrible. These hos are killing me. I’m sorry to have to ask this for the nine millionth time, but why is it wrong to bring your A game? Is she supposed to be just sitting there pretending she doesn’t want to be with him? Anyway, they’re both getting totally worked up over their Penty bashing, and I have to pause to smirk because they’re spending the most part of their date talking about Penty. And getting more heated over her than they are over Bret.

“She’s crazy,” says Deluded, “She’s still a stripper,” Gopher yaps in the background. “They’re starting to make sense,” says Bret, clearly confused by all the talking. Gopher caps it off with the brilliant epiphany that “Nobody’s that perfect, and if you think you are, there’s your flaw! Perfection is your flaw!” she declares, nearly hysterically. I would also like to point out that Penty never said she was perfect. That was Gopher’s decree.

That night, back at the Sagamore, Penty is out on the patio yelling, “Mindy, it’s our favorite kind of weather!” Meanwhile, the evil stepsisters are inside, talking about how much they hate her. “We have to take her down. We’re not letting Bret take her from us,” Deluded whispers furiously. From who? Are you going to share? “He can’t be with a girl that fake. She can’t have fun. We have to be bitches,” Deluded continues. “It will freak her out if you stop talking to her,” Deluded finally concludes. Gopher doesn’t seem like she cares about Deluded’s last ditch plan. That gold headscarf is about to unravel and Gopher’s the last one who’s going to help sew it back together. Save yourself, ho.

All the while, Penty’s outside yelling joyously that the other hos need to get out there and enjoy the beautiful weather. She’s really excited about it. I feel sorry for her. And then Deluded makes her move. She comes outside with Gopher, and asks if either of them liked Bret before they came here. No, they came on the third season of Rock of Love with Bret Michaels, with no idea of who the guy even was, much less if they liked him. Cute though, how she matched her stupid question to her stupid gold headscarf.

Just go down well. That should do the trick.

And of course it’s like less than thirty seconds before Gopher gets in on the action. “Some way or another, you have manipulated him to believe that I’m the weak one and you’re the strong one,” she accuses Penty. Really? Really? “You don’t take any of that on yourself?” Penty asks her calmly. “No. I don’t,” pouts three year old Gopher defiantly. Penty informs us that Gopher is losing her mind, and I have to agree.

Penty patiently explains to Gopher that she can’t control what Bret thinks, which I don’t think think is news, but Gopher’s gone so far off the deep end that’s it’s pointless to even try. “It’s your job to make people feel special, and you’re too good at it!” Gopher accuses Penty shrilly. Because wanting to making people happy is such a really terrible thing. Not only does Penty not deserve Bret, but she’s definitely going to hell.

“So you’re a stripper?” continues Deluded, seemingly out of nowhere, but totally on point. “I feature dance,” Penty replies tersely. Listen, I’m as confused about this “featured dancer” thing as everyone else. Is she naked or not? “It’s burlesque,” Penty clarifies prissily. “So you are a stripper,” Deluded confirms. I can’t blame her. Penty is really avoiding the question. Deluded’s getting really annoyed. She doesn’t believe that Penty’s so prim and proper, she poses for Penthouse! “Of course she’s gonna do that stuff!” Deluded tells us exasperatedly. What stuff? And even so, like Bret’s never dated a stripper?

And then it’s time for dinner. Big John comes to fetch the hos, decked out in another sequined sweatshirt. Oh, BJ. If you had had just stuck with your frumpy look all along you wouldn’t be so disappointing now. Bret tells us that he had an “awesome” date already today, and he’s ready to have an even “awesomer” date with all three of them. Little does he know.

They get to dinner, and I think I’ve figured out Deluded’s problem. She’s on meth. That’s what her entire look is now screaming. “We’re gonna make a party out of this,” Bret tells his hos. He’s pretty excited. And the hos have nothing. “Everyone loves salmon, right?” Bret asks cheerfully. Nothing. “Tell me something,” he prods them. Nothing. “Today was very interesting,” he continues. Gotta give the guy credit. He keeps trying. “Butter, anyone? To go with the bread?” he asks, now desperately. What the hell with the hos?

“Is the vinaigrette already on the salad, or am I crazy?” he goes on. I was laughing my ass off while I watched, and I’m still laughing now. It looks like torture, but very entertaining. Bret starts complaining to the camera that he’s gone out of his way to make this amazing dinner. Well, hold on there. I mean, he did make time between gigs to show up, but his planning stopped there. He asks Penty what she did that day. “I did my nails,” she says curtly. Then we get a flashback of Farrah and Skippy screaming “Lame!” at her on the bus. That was a really fun night.

Dorothy Parker’s Vacuous Circle

“If I had been on a date, I’d have tons of stuff to talk about,” she continues snappishly. Ooooooh, wrong move Penty. Don’t let the mood swings infect you. And speaking of – “How can I be in a great mood at dinner when I’m on a date with Bret and two other girls? Now I’m in a funk,” says Gopher dejectedly. Which brings us to a montage of the Blonde-tourage calling her lame, too. And I was worried about Bret’s hair in the wind being the disaster.

Bret begs them to tell him something, and Penty spills that she’s depressed that she didn’t get to go on the second date. “I though Mindy was the one who gets in funks,” he grumbles, “This date is all funked up.” Then he gets up from the table and makes himself a big cup of vodka. Who could blame him? He takes them out to the bar and tells us he’s got to loosen these hos up. “If I go through another dinner like this I’m gonna send all three of you home,” he warns. Bret’s mad! It takes a lot. I love when it happens.

Bret tells us in his interview how “disastrously bad” the dinner has gone. No shit. “May I be brutally honest?” he asks the hos, “I don’t do good with funks.” Well, who does? Who wants to hear people bitching all the time? The thing about people who get moody like that is they never realize they do it. Think about it. It’s totally true. “I would rather someone say what’s wrong than be cold,” he explains. Bret communicates like a girl. It’s nice.

Then he asks Gopher what’s up. “This has been the best day ever! I’m in awe,” she tells him, not at all convincingly. “But I wouldn’t know that,” he tells her gently. At least Penty is there to state the obvious. “If she thinks this is a great date, she’s confused,” she says, understating Gopher’s mental state drastically.

Is it the braids?

“The hardest part for me-” announces Penty in the middle of Bret trying to get Gopher to stop acting like an idiot. And Bret cuts her off to figure out what’s wrong with Gopher. I’m with Penty. Who cares? “I don’t feel like in a funk at all tonight,” Gopher tells him enthusiastically. See? Moody and clueless.

“What about you?” he asks Deluded, and now he just looks dead tired of this whole thing. Me too. I feel like this is turning into the longest recap ever. God, I’m going to miss this show. I really hope Bret can get it up for a fourth. Anyway, Deluded’s response is another gleeful, “I’m fine! This is a great!” Bret’s still shaking his head, reminded us that it was the most excruciating dinner he’s ever had. Then Deluded informs him that she’s just waiting for Penty and Gopher to “go at each other”.

Penty handles it like a champ. “I apologize for the tension on you,” she tells Deluded, continuing that it’s between her and Gopher. And then Bret gets to the point. “Does this work into a business plan for you? This is the number one show on VH1,” boasts The Ego. We know, sweetie. Congrats on beating Ray J. Penty tells Bret that her bosses aren’t happy that she’s even there. Which is true, we saw her on the phone with someone telling her how convenient it would be for their photo shoot if she could get kicked off a little early. Then she tells him that she did reach out to try and meet him, and she’s missing a major deadline, meaning clearly she’s not there for her job. I say, they all have it wrong. If Penty’s there to promote anything, it’s not Penthouse, it’s herself. Nobody wants to spread ‘em forever.

I’d like to be on the cover of O.

Back at the hotel, he toasts to “a great night”. I don’t get it. He doesn’t seem drunk, but that’s the only reason he would possibly say that. Then he decides to have a private chat with Deluded. I don’t know why this ho doesn’t get it. He’s giving her an opportunity to get on her knees and convince him she should stay, and all she does is talk about how she’s not ready to get married to him. The best part is when Bret walks Deluded out of the room telling her he has “saggy bottoms”. Oh, Bret. Please don’t remind us. There’s nothing less sexy than old man jeans. Not even Mom jeans. And since I’ve already repeated a bunch of other stuff I’ve said a million times before, I will repeat – True Religions don’t look good on anyone. Even Bret’s sagging, and he’s got a nice ass.

So while Bret and Deluded continue to have a one sided conversation where Deluded tells him, no, for the last time, she will not marry him, and he paints a pretty picture on it, interpreting that she wants “to see how it goes”. Well, glad we got that one resolved.

Back to “The Sisters Grimm”, as Bret calls them, which can’t be good. Penty is asking Gopher how she’s so calm while Bret’s off talking to Deluded. “It is what it is,” Gopher says dejectedly, “I can’t change anything.” Then she tells us her concern that Bret’s only focusing on the negative and it just keeps coming up. The saddest part is I think she really wonders why.

That’s fascinating. Can I borrow some powder? I’m cracking.

Penty tells us she’s misunderstood, and then stupidly starts sobbing. Which is the perfect opener for Jan Brady to play Marcia Brady for once and tell Penty condescendingly that they see glimpses of her, but not the whole. “I see me in you!” Gopher tells Penty plaintively, “I see insecurities!” she continues desperately. If only she can convince Penty that she’s as screwed up and insecure as she is….

Penty flat out tells Gopher to stop, and that the insecurities she has, Gopher knows nothing about. “I’m ready for love,” Penty explains. Gopher, having failed at her mission to turn Penty into an pathetic mess, is pissed off. “It pointless to try and have a conversation with Taya about anything,” she spews. “I don’t need you pointing out my faults,” Penty tells her. When Gopher had her nervous breakdown over writing a song, Penty wasn’t trying to convince her that she just shouldn’t bother. Although that would have been really fun.

“Just cause I’m not freaking out every fifteen seconds doesn’t mean I’m pent up,” Penty (hee hee) tells Goph. Just then Deluded comes back on the scene. And Bret’s not far behind. “It dawns on old Bretty that there are three hot girls down the hall. Guitar, let’s go party,” he says. This, saggy bottoms, kissage…Bret’s super cheesy today. Thanks for not disappointing! Kisses.

And the moment he approaches the hen house disguised as a trendy hotel balcony and hears all the squawking, he turns right around. Why didn’t he have BJ do the advance work for him? “On second thought, maybe I’ll just go catch some sleep,” he decides. Meanwhile, Penty is telling everyone she’s 29 going on 129, Gopher is yelling her daily mantra of “You’re perfect!” and it looks like Deluded’s eating some soup. “You’re right. I’m perfect,” Penty finally deadpans to Gopher. I would have said that the first time I heard it.

Followed by “Take notes, dear.”

Finally, it comes time for eliminations. Is there really a question of what’s going to happen here? Gopher continues on with her ironclad case for Bret that “something just feels right”. Penty tells us that Gopher really disappointed her, but “that’s people”. True very true. And Deluded thinks they’re both crazy and if she were Bret she wouldn’t want to be with either one of the others, but it really doesn’t matter what she thinks and it never did.

So, Bret tells them how painful it is and how they all have something beautiful about them. Nothing new. He tells Deluded that he’s concerned she’s not looking for a serious relationship. Really. “Just cause I’m honest doesn’t mean I don’t want this,” says Deluded, praying for this thing to just be over already so she meet her dealer. He tells Penty that she’s great for The Ego, but he doesn’t know if she’s there for love or a business move. It’s TV, aren’t they the same thing?

And finally, he tells Gopher he thinks she has real feelings, but she has the funk and he can’t be on the road with her like this. “I wish he’d let it go. It doesn’t happen as often as he thinks it does,” she says sourly clueless as ever. But Bret’s there to build her up, and Gopher gets first pass! He gives her the standard line about how he needs to know that she’s here for real. She tells him, “I just needed to hear you say it,” and I don’t know what that means, but Gopher’s in.

And in the last few minutes, I’ve found some sympathy for Gopher, because she really does seem so lost and unhappy, but then she starts laughing about how Penty must really be freaking out to be left there with Deluded and she loses me. Penty of course, is not happy. And her dress looks big on her. Penty’s stripper gowns are weird. Again, I invoke Flasher.

That thing doesn’t even fit right. It’s called Spandex. Try it.

In the end, he calls Deluded down and tells her that at this point in life, he’s looking for a serious relationship. He’s got saggy bottoms, dentures and soft food are just around the corner. And as she’s made clear, Deluded’s not ready. He tells her he can’t let Penty go knowing that all Deluded wants is to party. Which of course Deluded chalks up to Penty having “a freakish control over what he thinks of her.” Of course.

So Bret tells Deluded that she’s beautiful – oh, please. I can’t go on. She takes it well, cause listen, Deluded’s just not ready for marriage. And what with Bret and his whole constant insistence on getting a ring on her finger and settling her down…well, there’s just no way it could have worked. She ends with a plea for friendship and Poison tickets. Wouldn’t want it to be a total loss.

And before Bret has heart failure, or so he says, he calls Penty over, gives her the usual “you look beautiful” and asks her to stay. Penty’s sobbing so hard she can’t talk,and Gopher tells us she’s probably conjuring up an image of something sad to make her cry. Yeah, like losing Bret to you, average?

And then Bret and Penty start kissing and Gopher’s not laughing anymore. Perhaps this is what Bret looks like kissing his girlfriend….

AND IT IS! Obviously, we know Penty wins. And I’m really starting to like her! Now go write mean comments about how you’ve been reading late recaps all season and if I really love you I’ll make it up to you with the last one. That’s totally what I would do to you. Kisses…