Rock Of Love Bus: Finale, Finally

Welcome to the last stop on the Rock of Love Bus! I miss my hos already, but I’m not gonna get in a funk over it. I’m gonna wear smokey eyes and stripper shoes and report the shocking, shocking, news that Bret Michaels chose a Penthouse Pet over an insecure farmgirl! Drunk, naked and ready? You’re so not getting on this bus unless you are.

You guys are fascinating, really. I just have to finish up this text…

The final date is a trip to the Dominican Republic for both hos! They head out on a private jet, and Gopher tells us “no more busses, it’s just private jet from here on out.” Private jets to the shows, private jets to the supermarkets, life with Bret Michaels is one big diamonte encrusted fairy tale. Gopher is the new deluded. They get on the jet and Bret floats the idea of can’t they all just love each other? Anyone else and I’d think they were just being peaceful, but it’s Bret, so you know it’s a serious request for a threesome.

They get to the Dominican Republic, and the bastion of super exclusivity that Bret promised turns out to be Punta Cana. Penthouse Taya tells us that it’s “every girl’s dream…only without the other girl”. They’re given blue cocktails garnished with an orange slice and a cherry. I like fruity cocktails. They get up to the room, and it’s a beautiful resort overlooking the ocean. There’s also a note from Bret, that they giggle over and read at the same time and it makes me feel a little bad cause they used to be friends.

What does it say?

I don’t know. I see some a’s.

Those are the triangles, right?

Yes, ignorant.

Aaaaaa….

Stop. Someone will come and read it to us.

So, the plan is that Gopher gets the date that night, and Penty goes the next day. Gopher thought she’d be having a nice, relaxing day at the resort but now she’s got to go on this date. I hope it doesn’t put her in a funk. She goes looking in the closet for a bathrobe, and ends up finding a new dress! What’s this, wonders sophisticated Gopher? Penty once again explains – Bret’s bought you a new dress for your date. Of course, Gopher goes crazy. No one’s ever done anything like that before, it makes her feel so special, it’s a total pretty woman moment.

Penty’s “pissed off and jealous”. Great, the moodier the better! Bret loves that. Gopher’s talking about how Bret gets her “weak in the the knees”, and how she gets so flustered around him. And she’s writing down everything she wants to say to him, so she doesn’t forget. What kind of relationship is this when she’s got to bring notes every time she talks to him? She gets her little dress on, and it’s a cute pink thing with bows. Innocent and slutty at the same time. Well chosen, Bret. Wait, I liked it. I mean, well chosen, per diem show stylist.

Bret tells us he’s taking Gopher on a “super hot and romantic date”. He wants to relax, but he also wants to do recon. He has to go black ops to get some personality out of her. It’s all so hopeful. Gopher reminds us once again how swept off her feet she is, and how excited she is to see what he’s got planned for her. She’s sure it’s just out of a story book. Probably a hop on their personal private jet to an even more exotic locale! Perhaps Haiti? Ah, the good life.

Big John has made us pbj sandwiches in this public park. Yum, right?

But it’s just a boring old dinner. Sigh. The first thing Gopher does is ask Bret what his concerns are about her. Well, he doesn’t think she verbalizes her feelings enough, and he knows it’s going to take her time to do that. It’s the finale! It’s an eighteen episode deal! How much more time does she get? And Gopher starts her brilliant attempt at communication. It goes a little something like this. “It was…was…I ummm….” Wow, I can totally see how connected they are. No wonder Gopher thinks she’s the one.

Bret tells us that suddenly, he regrets making fun of Pierce Mute Brittanya’s communication skills. Gopher feels like there’s a “big, giant hourglass” on the table, and she’s just got to gather her courage and get out what she’s feeling. What are these grand feelings that are so strong they can’t possibly be expressed? I like you? How hard is that? I’ve just completely lost patience with this ho. She continues on her journey of self-expression. “I ummm…it’s just ummm….” Bret gulps down some water and gets Gopher the hell out of there for date part deux. “Do you want to bring your wine with you? Here, let me fill you up,” he offers helpfully. Getting her drunk is his only chance at this point.

“This is the sticking point, that she won’t open up,” he complains. “But I, Bret Michaels, have a plan that will bring us together.” The plan is dancing. “And not the kind on the pole, either,” he informs us proudly. Gopher once again reminds us about how Bret’s managed to drum up the perfect date. I almost feel sorry for her for thinking this televised set up is the way it’s gonna be.

This face is worth fighting for.

It’s a tango lesson! The instructor starts explaining about the dance, and I can’t understand what the hell he’s saying, but Bret somehow translates to mean that there needs to be a connection between the dancers. Bret’s thrilled. He’s hoping the physical closeness will lead to the emotional closeness. I kind of like it the other way around, but the fact that emotional closeness is even a pretend issue for Bret is refreshing. “Am I clever or what?” he brags.

Gopher is still going on about the wonders of Bret and his dance lesson. “He’s a cowboy hat wearing rock star. I never thought he’d take a tango lesson!” she says delightedly. Yes, Bret, very clever indeed. They start showing the lesson, and the first thing I hear from Gopher is, “I can’t!” Typical. But of course she tells us that she’s having a blast. She doesn’t have to worry about winning a challenge, she can just be herself.

And Bret turns out to be a good dancer! “What, a guy from Western Pennsylvania in a cowboy hat can’t be good at tango?” he asks adorably. Even the droopy butt jeans are kind of working for him tonight. He ends the dance dipping her low and of course making out with her. Bret never disappoints. He tells us he’s surprised he hasn’t broken Gopher’s toes, and then puts phase three of his stealth mission into effect. They go down to the beach, and “we sure are having a good time”, Gopher tells us. But she hasn’t “had a chance” to tell him what she needs to. Too busy she was so busy with all her “it’s ummmm…”ing during dinner. That might have been the perfect time to break out the cliff notes.

OW MY BACK!

Someone, Bret I’m sure cause he seems to be the only literate one on the date at this point, mentions something about the tropical breeze and the moonlight. And then he starts talking about how much he loves just sitting on the beach. “Some people don’t like it,” sniffs Gopher. If she turns this into another Penty-bashing session, I will die.

And finally, finally, Gopher spits it out. She tells Bret that she’s written some things down that she needs him to know. “See, the smooth romantic stuff pays off,” he boasts. Now he gets to listen to Gopher’s sappy list. What a prize. And off she goes. She doesn’t want him to leave without her. Every time he leaves the room, she wants to grab his leg and beg him to take her with him. She always wants one more minute. And the minute he walks in the room, “I know it’s me,” she declares. Really ho, how? And you don’t think the other twenty girls thought the same thing?

Having gotten the emotional part out of her, which is normally the easy part with a girl, Bret is now ready to move on the part that’s normally the tougher nut to crack. But because Gopher’s such an insecure mess, she prances happily up to his room with him. He says something about “testing the waters”. “You’ve tested a lot of my waters,” she comments back. I have a feeling Gopher did some desperate things on that Dallas date. “Got a little something for ya,” Bret says sleazily, and this is really all I need to know.

I warned you about the little part so please don’t freak out.

Back in their room, Penty is taking a bath. “This is romantic alone time with myself,” she announces. She’s going to rest and get ready for her date the next day, but the bath “doesn’t really go so well”. It’s true. She slips all over the tub, and then sprays water all over the place. Penty can’t run a bath. See, not so perfect.

The next morning, Gopher does the walk of shame back to the room. She walks in looking like crap, with some kind of dog tag necklace around her neck. Fancy gift. And Gopher’s got a strategy. She tells us she wants Penty to wonder what happened, so she’ll concentrate on that and drive herself crazy. And with that plan firmly in place, she then she promptly spills everything to Penty. “There’s all kinds of adjectives I could use. It was that good. It was duhhh-licious. I luuuhved every minute,” she gurgles. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. I really can’t. If she talks during sex, she’s definitely going to lose. Oh, and what a whore.

Pure as the driven snow Penty agrees. She takes a break from rehearsing her open legged Pet of the Year poses to tell us she has now lost all respect for Gopher. They have some breakfast together, and Gopher sits there with sex hair and no makeup. You’re on TV ho, a little mascara and gloss wouldn’t kill you. Penty doesn’t want to hear about the “great night” that Gopher just had, and Gopher doesn’t want to seem arrogant, but she thinks she’s got this in the bag. “I don’t want to be like, I’m better, why would you even want that piece of garbage..but that’s what I think,” she tells us loftily, still basking in the glow of a night perfectly honed by hundreds of women before her. Gopher’s so special. In the short bus kind of way.

Your mustache is showing.

Penty goes outside for her date and does a little twirl for Bret. “That doesn’t suck on any level,” Bret comments. They jump into a jeep, and head to the jungle. Oh, this is going to be one of Bret’s adventurous dates. Penty is not thrilled. They’re out in the middle of nowhere, and she’s starting to think a half shirt, sarong and stripper heels might not have been appropriate wardrobe. Sure enough, Bret’s final date for Penty is a zipline adventure. I think Bret’s totally fucking with her, trying to get her to break.

But this is Penty we’re working with here, so instead of bitching and complaining, she harnesses up. “What could be more romantic that zipping seven stories over impending doom?” Indiana Michaels wants to know. Then he complains that his “package has been severed” by the zipline harness guy. Everyone wants a piece of the rock star with the pretty yellow hair, even the Dominican zipline worker in the middle of the jungle. Bret’s fame is very far reaching.

Penty’s scared. “Bret, you’re killing me,” she tells him, but forges forward nonetheless. She’s freaking out, she’s scared of heights, she wants to know who built this thing and is it safe? I’m so with her, I would have had my attorney on the phone before I zipped down some wooden trap in the middle of the Caribbean jungle.

But Bret’s convinced it’s going to be, you guessed it, “awesome!”. “What could be better than watching a hot babe ride a long cable at high speed?” he wants to know. Ugh, so many things. But it’s not Rock of Love with ChickBomb. He does offer up a big kiss before she zips off, and she grabs his face with her big, yellow zipline glove while they make out, which is just a little creepy. And then off she goes! “Clearly, I am the most romantic man who ever lived,” says Bret. Clearly.

Wombraider

So they zip around the jungle for a little while, and Penty tells us she feels like she’s in a movie. Like Tarzan and Jane, “with his flowing blonde hair,” she says dreamily. Tarzan and Jane, the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter commercial…flowing blonde weave means different things to different people, I guess.

After Penty passes the difficult date test, it’s time for Bret to “get serious” over dinner. There’s things for him to sort out, he tells us. Let me guess, is it cause she’s in Penthouse? Something about her being there for self promotion? Just a guess, I don’t really know. He starts off telling her how much fun they have together, and how there’s so much he likes about her, but he wants to know he’s making the right choice in a fake girlfriend. Penty actually looks a little vulnerable.

Then Bret tells her that the more he likes her, the harder he is on her. And that 99% of him wants her, but 1% of him is holding back because – gasp! – he’s not sure if she’s just there as a promotional tool. Bret’s like a chihuahua with this thing. A chihuahua with a flowing blonde wig and a bandana. I’m sorry, I just had a visual and it cracked me up. But back to Bret, as he lays out his suspicions. First it turns out that she’s a Penthouse Pet. Then it turns out that she’s Pet of the Year. Then it turns out she’s dissing strippers, but she used to be one. Then it turns out that she’s a singer. Well, when he puts it that way, it doesn’t really sound good.

What aren’t you ok with here?

And the editors throw in their two cents, with a montage of Penty saying “Penthouse” during the whole tour, and then they zoom in on the Penthouse t-shirt she wears in her interviews. She makes her case to him, and concludes by telling him that if the 1% he’s concerned about turns out to be crazy talk, then she could be perfect for him. “Just because I seem to good to be true doesn’t mean I am,” she informs him. Penty does seem a little upset. And Bret realizes enough is enough. Also, he hasn’t gotten laid in almost twenty-four hours, so he suggests wrapping up dinner and bringing it back to his room.

“Welcome to my lair,” he tells her when they get to his room. Ewwww. “Look at you, pimp daddy,” she teases, taking in the candles and flower petals sprinkled everywhere. Ewwww, again. They sit on the sofa, and Bret tells her that in the future, if they ever argue, that she should wear the short red stripper dress she’s wearing on their date. And for the third time…oh, forget it. The whole scene is cringe-worthy. And that’s before he sticks his tongue down her throat and invites her into his bedroom with a cheesy Italian accent.

Penty tells us Bret knows how to “crawl in your heart and stick in there”. Crawl in your…heart? He went somewhere else with Gopher. And knowing that, Penty does the smartest thing any woman’s probably ever done with Bret Michaels, and that’s walk away. “There came a point where I didn’t feel comfortable,” she says. And Penty’s out. Listen, I don’t know what her reasons were. Strategy? Self protection? Either way, I say, great move. Proven when Bret physically walks her out and watches her leave. “I want to make sure you’re safe,” he says, all puppy dog like. I bet you all Gopher got was a wave on his way to the shower.

“There’s no truth to the fact that you win a man’s respect by not having sex with him,” Bret says, “And the fact that she didn’t stay the night has nothing to do with why I’m still thinking about her.” Enough said, man-ho.

That right there is a girl with manners.

Gopher is not surprised to see Penty back at their room. “She’s trying to paint herself as Miss Goody Two Shoes. ‘Just because I pose naked in Penthouse doesn’t mean I’m that girl.’ Well yeah, you are,” says the ho who has now shared Bret’s diseases twice to the ho who said no. “I can’t help but be in a good mood,” Gopher continues to boast, “I don’t know how their date went, but it clearly didn’t go as well as mine.” Truly, I would feel sorry for someone so clueless if she didn’t have such an ugly personality. She could barely say two words to him, but she fucked him so therefore it was the best date ever? This has to end soon. I’m exhausted, and Gopher needs to get her ass in therapy.

The hos get one more love note from Bret, reminding them that he’ll be making his final decision that night and they’re getting a day of pampering that day. They head to the spa. Penty tells us she’s trying to find a positive place, and Gopher tells us that beauty is pain. We see her get her lip waxed, edited on repeat. Come on ho, you didn’t take care of grooming before you got on the bus? I’m being serious, Bret doesn’t like any body hair at all. I heard him say it on Howard Stern.

Penty leaves the spa, and heads into a room with some hotel staff standing at a table and looking very serious. Penty’s confused, and I would be too, but they showed it like a hundred times in previews, so we know it’s ring shopping! “If this is what I think it means, then it’s very real now,” Penty tells us. The she locks in and chooses a ring. We get a little trip down memory lane, set to Penty’s song. Come on, this ho comes complete with soundtrack, how can she lose? She telling us that she’s maneuvered through the tour with “style, grace, poise and class.” None of which even belong in the same sentence as Rock of Love bus, or in the mouth of a Penthouse Pet, but she’s still my ho so I’m letting it go.

And then it’s Gopher’s turn to pick a ring. “What the hell is going on here?” she asks when she gets to the ring room. Big surprise, Gopher’s never owned a diamond in her whole life. Then we take her trip down memory lane, when she tells us that she only brought a certain amount of dresses with her, because she thought she’d only make it through a few eliminations. Then why did you come, ho? I can’t help but notice that Gopher came to lose and Penty came to win. And that’s why Gopher hates her.

Now that’s talent.

They get ready for the final elimination, and I will say that Gopher looks smoking hot. There must have been hair and makeup on hand. Granted she’s wearing a garbage bag with some glitter sprinkled on it, but it’s cut down to her belly button and it’s hot. She’s babbling about how she can’t change anything and she was herself. Penty is once again in a red dress with red lips. The dress doesn’t really fit her right, but I think she’s so pretty. I know the eyebrows are a problem, but besides that I think she’s kind of a classic beauty.

Gopher feels good about eliminations. Just because she slept with him and Penty didn’t. What an idiot. “My date felt so natural, like he was my boyfriend,” she says confidently. Is she joking? She couldn’t even speak to him! Is this Gopher’s idea of a great relationship? No conversation and some sex at the end of the night? Well, it’s probably most guys’ idea of a great relationship, but for some reason, Bret’s really hung up on this emotional expression thing. I know, I don’t get it either.

Bret tells us that contrary to public opinion, he’s not commitment phobic. No, we’re only on our third Rock of Love, nobody thought that. “If I go swimming back to the US would that violate my contract?” he jokes. And then he welcomes his final two “hotnessesses”. Awwww, one more made up word before we go.

That face again.

He starts off his long speech by saying what a long and strange trip it’s been and I’m very happy to be able to quote Jerry Garcia in my recap. And then he says something that makes my blood run cold. “This is the last time I want to do this. This is the last time I will do this,” he declares. What the hell does he mean by that? Is this the end for Rock of Love? Is he passing the torch? I can’t even deal. I’m just going to denial and staying there until I find out what’s going on.

Okay, so Gopher thinks the first time she kissed Bret something happened and she just knows it’s “meant to be”. Bret’s holding the ring and “hoping the search is over”. He tells Gopher about how she’s the girl next door who doesn’t let anyone walk all over her. But she’s got the funk. “But if your heart is safe, then you don’t have funks anymore cause you feel safe,” Gopher explains pathetically. Listen honey, landing Bret isn’t going to fix your problems. Meds and therapy, like, now.

Well you’re both at the top of your fashion game. This will be rough.

Penty was another story. She caught his attention immediately, and something about how it has to be about more than a hot body. Then he tells her about how she didn’t come forward with the truth and that brought up a painful memory for him. What truth? About her stripper past? And what painful memory? Muppet? Stop being stupid and make your pick, Bret. It’s over. But not before he repeats his 99% theory about Penty. He seems to be pretty proud of it.

And then he calls Gopher’s name. He’s got the ring in his hand, and he wants her to know from his heart…I got close to you, I have love and closeness, but the ring is not for Gopher. You can see her starting to see where he’s going about halfway through, and her whole face changes. To mad. And damn, is she mad. “Spare me. What I needed was somebody to keep my heart safe, and you ran over it with a tour bus every day,” she spews. Ran over your heart with a tour bus? Good one! Why didn’t you write lyrics about that? It could totally work as the title of a Poison song. And I think they’re making a comeback. On the summer county fair circuit, at least.

“Just a standard jerk in a rock star uniform,” she continues. Well, she was always this bitter, but when did she get so clever and articulate about it? Bitter totally works in that context. It could have been different for us, Gopher.

I waxed my upper lip for you!

As for Penty, she’s standing there watching, completely freaking out. The wind is blowing, and she can’t hear what’s going on, and she’s thinking that he’s picking Gopher and making her watch! How awful. But then she sees them hug…and Gopher walks away! Penty starts sobbing, and Bret asks her to come to him. Then he tells her something totally weird, that before he got there, at one point, he wasn’t sure it was either one of them. Ummmm, thanks. Sounds like a ringing endorsement for the relationship.

But then he says that he realized Penty was the real deal. “Small town girl, who’s a hot Mom and a rocking hot centerfold,” is what he tells her. But then he brings up his 99% theory, which I’m now convinced he’s copyrighted and is in discussions with Dr. Phil over a book deal for, and tells her he’s keeping the ring until he’s 100%. Meaning, the ring goes back to the store before they leave the island. There’s no such thing as 100%, and if that’s what you’re looking for you may as well be doing it in a private jet and diamonte encrusted shoes.

But Penty’s got the Bret glow, and says it’s all fine with her, she wouldn’t want him to settle for less. She knows she wasn’t the “safe choice”. Is she kidding? Bret says it himself. “Twelve weeks on the road with twenty-three girls only to end up with a Penthouse Pet. Who saw that one coming?” Penty adds the required bit about the fairy tale ending, and they walk off in the moonlight to the strains of a Bret Michaels solo song, which was the reason we did this road trip in the first place.

And that’s it! Time to sew the crotches back into our panties and stop the preventative cycle of penicillin. Reunion recap on the way, but if I don’t see you there, thanks for sticking with my punctuality-challenged recaps. Love me or hate me but if you read this…thanks, doll. I’m on summer vacation after the reunion, but if you miss me, come stalk me here. Kisses, CB