Rock of Love: And One Ho For the Road

Hello fab dolls, this is it – the final Rock of Love! What a rad and excellent trip in a dirty old tour bus! But it’s the last stop. If you haven’t read our Awards Show recap yet, then you don’t know that we met Flasher the other night, she was very cool and she really loves Bret. But I’ve been on her side for weeks now anyway. And I had a chat with Brandi C.’s Sidekick Kristia, who viewed the finale with Flasher, and filled me in on some behind the scenes gossip as well. So put your hands together one last time…for Rock Of Love!

Congrats. This is your prize.

The hos are packing and getting their game faces on for Cabo. Jes says that Flasher better be ready cause now that she came this far, she’s here to win, and Flasher says the claws are out and there’s no way she’s walking away from him now. Somewhere in the production booth, a producer checks “Exposition About Opponent’s Chances” off on a clipboard.

Bret tells us we’re down to the final two girls, it’s a rough decision, he has no idea what he’s going to do, blah, blah, blah. He picks them up and they head out to Cabo…on a private jet! Finally! He’s only been promising the rock star lifestyle for weeks now. Granted it’s no G5, and the three of them really have to squash into it, but at this point, I’m just happy that it’s not coach on Aero Mexico.

Why did that woman keep asking if we need anything?

They arrive at another low tier resort property desperate for a little F-list PR. I think it’s called the ME Cabo. As they alight from their car, four “hot, sexy girl dancers”, as Bret calls them, converge upon them. Bret tells us that he’s just enjoying watching them, but Flasher nearly knocks Bret out trying to get close to one of them. Bret muses that he’s paying no attention to the hot, sexy dancer girls because he’s paying attention to the girls he’s with, but one of the girls he’s with is too busy paying attention to the girls he’s not paying attention to. Whew, weave logic. Got that?

After the show, Bret commands them to go to their room. He’s got a beautiful dinner planned for them. When will this guy learn? Every other “beautiful dinner” he’s foisted upon this crew for the past three weeks has ended in disaster. Hit the tamale stand on the way to the tequila, and be done with it. The Bachelor’s back now, leave the beautiful dinners to them.

The girls are both wearing cowboy hats, and it looks like Flasher’s may have some pink flames painted on hers. Are Flash and Bret a match made in the janitor’s closet doubling as backstage dressing room at the county fair or what? As they get ready for the dinner, Flasher tells us that she needs to show him all her different sides, and how passionate she is about being with him. One S says that striking up a confrontation isn’t her, but if the line producer asks her nicely and provides some touch up for her roots, oops, I mean, if she has to for Bret, she will.

They head out to the dinner. Bret’s still on the white button down and jeans look, accentuating his spray on tan. He christens them “The Terrific Two”. What a way with words. They don’t have to have a collective nickname, you know. The hos shoot each other death looks from across the table. Nobody says a word. Bret fills us in that there’s tension. Impressive, he knows them so well.

My neck still hurts, bitch. He’s mine!

“There’s bread here,” Bret helpfully offers at the table. Sure, that should neutralize the situation. He nibbles at a piece, eyes darting from ho to ho, just waiting for the psycho to erupt. His heart is pounding. Finally, he launches into his questions that need to be answered.

He turns to Flasher first, and tells her he’s worried about her with other girls. He thinks she’s a party girl. As was made clear from all the prior elimination challenges, like dumpster diving for guitar picks and posing nearly nude, Bret is looking for a serious girl. Duh, everyone knows that changing clothes in the porta-potty is a sure sign that the party is over.

Flasher tells Bret that there’s no problem with other girls, it’s just that she’s not a hater, she’s a congratulator. Hmm. I just saw a girl at the Coffee Bean in the most fab skinny jeans and boots, but I didn’t feel the need to run over and start grinding up on her, I just commented to her, “Hot boots. Who makes them?” See the diff? Jes too thinks he’s onto something.

Having no follow up argument past the catchy hater/congratulator line, Flash tosses it back to One S. You’re only twenty-three, she tells her, are you ready to be a Mom? And what were you doing when you were twenty-three, she fires at Bret. Fucking strippers and talking about The Song. Same as today, just with real hair.

Jes sends it back to Flasher with the old reliable “you’re 31 and you’re still stripping”. Flasher predictably rolls her eyes, not the stripper thing AGAIN. Then Jes says that Bret’s just Flasher’s ticket out. Yeah, well, yours too sweetheart. Don’t tell me you came all the way from Chicago to compete on a dating show for a guy whose songs you don’t even know only to head back to being a receptionist surely known only as “the girl with the pink hair”. SIDENOTE: Although, according to Kristia, that is exactly what she has done. In fact, there may be evidence that One S had a boyfriend back in Chicago the whole time. Whatever. I’m pretty sure Bret had a wife.

Dear Lord, thank you for providing us the bounty we are about to eat. And please help my hair grow back just like this. Amen.

Well, now that Bret’s got everyone riled up, he’s ready to start bitching about how they’re all ruining another nice dinner. The food’s good, he offers, but no one wants it. Finally, he gives up, tells them they each have a date for one of the next two days, and then leaves the table with a casual, “see ya tomorrow.” The hos glare, chug champagne and slam the glasses down on the table. It’s on!

The next day is a beautiful one in Cabo. Jes thinks so too, and both she and Flasher want the first date. Really? I would want the second. I would want to leave the last impression. The date goes to Flasher, who prances off triumphantly telling Jes to have fun by herself. Jes is really mad about not getting first date. I still don’t get why.

Bret meets Flasher with a “Hello, super hot!”. He talks about taking her on a date that will encompass all the things they like – ranching and the open desert. Well, doesn’t sound terribly romantic to me. It’s not – it’s dune buggy racing. I don’t think things are looking good for Flash. Nothing says I don’t really have feelings for you like a dune buggy race.

They suit up for the buggy with a bandana on their heads, and another one to protect their mouths, like an old western bank robber. Double bandana! You know Bret’s loving this! They take off on the dune buggy, and it doesn’t take long before Bret’s exhausted. His diabetes is kicking in, he tells us – and Flasher – about a hundred times. He keeps telling her he wants to eat. SIDENOTE: Kristia watched the finale with Flasher and Brandi C. She told me that Flasher said this part didn’t happen. He wasn’t making a big deal about being sick, he just kept going on, having fun. When I watched it again, I realized, perhaps his constant “I need to eat” comments were added in post-production to support the end result. Perhaps.

Bret also tells us that he’s scared to get in the dune buggy with her because his diabetes is acting up. I’m telling you, I heard the word diabetes 1,000 times in the next half hour. I’m scared I’m gonna die, he says in a panic, and I’m not clear if he means from diabetes or a dune buggy wreck. But, he puffs himself up with a little “I’m a survivor, I can do this” pep talk. Eye of the tiger, babe.

Pull over if you see a Wendy’s.

At long last, Cool Rider Flasher and her delicate flower Bret are enjoying a picnic on the beach. He informs us that since he’s not going to go into insulin shock (Bret has diabetes, you know) he has decided to have fun. They talk about their awesome day, and then they talk about the awesome dinner that they’re going to have.

Flasher goes back to the room to play mind games with One S and struts around yelling about the awesomest date ever in the history of the world! Jes snorts and tries to ruin her high. You’ll never be more than a fuck buddy, she tells her. When Flasher leaves for her date, Jes yells that her dress screams stripper. No it doesn’t, stripper dresses are usually gowns. This screams Stripper Going Out In Cabo. Right on, Flash.

But Flash flips out at the insult and goes flying back into the room to insult Jes’ outfit from the night before. According to Flash, she looked classy, and Jes looked skanky. Why, with that argument? I think we can all agree, this is no competition of class.

Either way, Flash prances out to dinner declaring that she loves her cute little sundress. Bret agrees, calling it the sexiest dress EVER. “You didn’t come to kill me, did you?”, he asks. Because hot dresses may cause his diabetes to act up. Bret has diabetes, you know.

Flasher wants to know what she’s up against, and she tries to ask, but Bret’s the one asking the questions, bitch. He tells they bonded immediately…on a party level. No girl was closer to me than you, he tells her…on a party level. He has to address some issues and get to the bottom of it, he informs us for the ninety-billionth time about Flasher. We know. You say you don’t want a party girl, but you do.

We do a quick lap round The Song and the stripper who made him write it, and then he tells her he’s worried she’ll be too wild for him because he thinks she needs to get her “yayas” out stripping. She’s too energetic, but that could be a bad thing. He doesn’t believe that she’s done with the party lifestyle. Well, neither are you, Bret! Flasher tells him that back in Vegas she leads a dull, dull life, she wakes up, works out, takes her dog to the park, and just happens to dance naked for men at night. See, strippers are just like us.

I’m Every Woman

But none of that really matters, cause Flasher’s got something to say. She tells him she’s in love with him. She wants to spend her life with him. You never know, when you say those words, she says…it’s not too certain how Bret feels about it, but she thinks he is falling for her and she thinks it makes him feel wonderful to know how she feels. Well, it makes him know that he’s about to get laid, so he commands her to his room immediately. He says when he looks into her eyes, he buys it. They get back to a romantic scene with candles and flowers. I commend the guy. There was no need to go to this effort. Flash did him in the Hummer on the way back from the tattoo parlor, remember? She’s not picky.

The next morning Flasher does the walk of shame, only she does it with exuberant pride. She plants herself at Jes’s breakfast table and carries on about how she doesn’t want to take a shower, because she wants to keep Bret’s scent on her. I love ya, Flash, but ewww. Jes gets her invite for the day, and asks Flasher if she’s jealous. Flasher says no, cause you’re no competition. Trash talking, check.

As Jes heads off for her date with Bret, Flash yells after her to enjoy her sloppy seconds, and to remember where his mouth has been all night and yesterday morning. I have to give Jes props for soldiering on after that one. Cause just the thought was enough for me. But she sucks it up, and greets him with the hugest kiss ever. Perhaps Jes is a contender.

Bret’s really excited to see Jes, cause they’re wearing matching bandanas! OMG, it’s like, totally a sign that they are meant to be together forever! He’s got a special date planned to win her heart and soul…and it’s a huge, fabulous yacht! Oh, I’m starting to feel like we’re on the Price is Right showcase showdown, and Jes is going second and getting all the good prizes. Much like the second showcase of the showdown, it’s always better to go with the second date on these competitions.

Bret says if he can’t land her this girl with a 75 foot yacht, he’s got nothing. Well, I would have to agree with that. Cause congratulations, honey, you have finally impressed me! And it gets Jes too. They lie out on the deck and look at seals. They are very lovable, and showing lots of affection. Til Jes has to be a lame buzz kill again and whine about how she’s scared of rejection. Bret tells her that she just has to jump. Sometimes, he’s jumped and missed, and sometimes he’s jumped and it’s the best thing that ever happened. Well, it wouldn’t be a day with Bret without a cliché, but in honor of the last time, I’ll say that he happens to be quite right about that one.

You two are making me wanna jump.

But Jes doesn’t know if she can do that. He arranges dinner, and guess what? The diabetes are acting up again. He doesn’t feel right. As Jes sits down, Bret gives her a big speech about how if he goes into insulin shock, she needs to “hit me with this needle”. “This will save my life”, he tells her gravely. “This I is what I will have to do to save his life,” she parrots back to the camera tearfully. Someone get me a tissue.

Then things get very dramatic. He apologizes for being sick. She tells him of all the things she’s been needing to tell him, and how it’s tearing her up that he’s sick. What’s wrong, he asks innocently, as though he has not just told her she must save his life. She cries and tells him that she really cares and that she really loves him. Bret reports back to the camera, and in his interview, he tells us the walls are finally coming down, and then says – and these are his exact words…”It’s working.”

Oh, it’s soooo working! Jes can not stop sobbing. Whatever he needs, I’m here, she cries. Come stay with me, he says, looking into her eyes. This could be our last night together. When they get to the room, Jes heads straight for the hot tub, shedding her clothes along the way. Bret trails behind her, and tells us that it was the perfect ending to the perfect day…minus the insulin shock he was almost in. Bret has diabetes, you know.

The next day, they tell us how much closer they got, physically, emotionally, blah, blah, blah. Didn’t we go through this in Vegas? You fucked. No need to speak in code. After their dating show hot tub sex, Bret tells us what he likes about Jes is her innocence. She turns on more tears, and tells us how she already misses him, and how hard it is not being around him. SIDENOTE: It must have gotten easier. Kristia says that just a few weeks after production wrapped, Jes had a mysterious “new” very serious boyfriend. Hmmmm…

And now we’re down to the final day. Bret spends the day in Cabo thinking, having quality time alone. Now that the show’s over, he’s got to go back to being a family guy, not running around town getting strippers to tattoo his name on them. What a come down. This is one of the toughest decisions he’s ever made in his life. Who will make the best bridge to Rock of Love 2?

Back in LA, he gazes at both hos’ backstage passes. Remember how Flash totally flashed him in her photo on the first day? She did it to us too when we met her! Did I score with that nickname or what? Anyway, she looks kind of cracked out in her photo, but Jes looks like a model in hers. I sure hope he’s going on more than this pic, cause Flash would lose.

He brings in BJ for a brief cameo, and tells him he doesn’t want to let either one out of his life. But, he sighs, this is what I’m here to do…to find true love. Really, cause I read in People that you were there to have fun with a bunch of easy girls. But whatever makes for the most theatrical moment, I guess.

He’s ready to go, and I pray for one more good outfit! I get a shiny velour type golden brown coat over a white button-down, jeans and a dark bandana. It looks fine. I’m damn disappointed. No flame painted hats? No red pleather? The shit talking…it’s over?

Flasher is resplendent in a bright yellow stripper gown. She tells us it’s an awesome pastel to go with her tan. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it one more time, I respect how she commits to her look. Her hair is HUGE. I mean HUGE. She’s got so much smokey eye going on I can’t see pupil. It’s stripper fabulous. She declares that if he doesn’t choose her, they will NOT be friends. That’s our Flash!

Jes is emotional with smooshed hair in the back of her limo. She is scared of being rejected. She pulls up to the house, and she’s in a boring black dress. She has every single emotion, happy, sad, vulnerable.

Flasher’s three emotions are confident, great, and “minutes away from walking away with the man of my dreams”. When she takes her spot next to Jes, Jes says she couldn’t help but roll her eyes at Flasher’s 80′s whore look. Her hair, says Jes, is bad…really bad. Flasher whispers to One S that she’s surprised she showed up. Flash came to play to the bitter end.

Now that’s commitment.

Bret turns up without Big John – this is between him and his soul, and he wants it as intimate as he can make it. It’s actually between him, his soul and his ego, and I don’t see why he just doesn’t admit that – it is a threesome after all.

His first words to Flash are that she’s been like a best friend. Oh, that’s such a bad sign. This is how I know. He mentions her commitment and what an awesome human being she is. Oh no, it’s only getting worse. Jes has come from being cold and distant to protecting him when he nearly died. So, Jes made you chase her, and Flasher was a friend. Is there any question where this thing’s going?

So as Bret continues to ponder, it occurred to him that there may be a way out of this…he asks the hos if there’s any way they would both be his girlfriend? Neither girl looks thrilled, but Flasher says she’d love to. SIDENOTE: Again, according to Kristia, Flasher says she didn’t say this, tricky editing again.

But it doesn’t matter, because Jes won’t do it. If you’re mine, you’re mine, she says. She can’t share someone she cares about. Then the heavens part and the angels sing, and Bret tells us that he all of the sudden realizes, that’s what the show is all about. He wants to give every part of himself and he’s looking for a girl who just fits. What the hell is he talking about? But then he calls Flasher down.

Bret gets to the point, tells her she’s a great friend, and he doesn’t want to lose her, but he doesn’t think she’s gonna be that girl. Flasher is silent. She glares, turns and walks away. “Heather, don’t leave like this”, Bret half-heartedly yells after her. She doesn’t turn around, and I like that.

But in the limo, Flasher is furious! “I opened up my heart and he fucking took advantage!” she yells. She calls him a liar, a phony piece of shit and America’s Asshole. America’s Asshole – I can totally picture that on Fox. Oh, by the way, I asked her if she really meant all that, and she gave a sad sort of look and said of course not.

And what about Flasher’s tattoo? I saw her displaying it proudly with her side ponytail. And she told me had no regrets. She probably thought it made her a lock. But the truth is that Flasher’s probably not the first girl to get his name tattooed on her. I’m sure the number of women in their late thirties and early forties with “Bret” around a rose and a thorn on the top of a saggy boob is quite a common sight in small towns across the USA.

Well, with the last reject sent out to try their luck with the roadie, Bret asks Jes to come down to him. She’s crying again. I think back to the beginning of this whole thing, and honestly, One S is probably one of the last people I would have expected to win. Well, maybe that’s why she did win – no messy commitment on either side.

Jes gives a sweet hug to her My Little Pony.

The Song takes us out, as Bret reminds us that he has diabetes, and Jes took care of him. Then he tells us that he got what he wanted – she’s cool, hot, smart, funny and she finally took her guard down. This was his Rock of Love, he says, and you can tell he wants those to be the last words of his show.

But Flasher’s got one more thing to say. We cut back to her in the limo bitching, “Now I have a tattoo of this fucking loser asshole’s name on the back of my neck!”. And that, dolls…that was his Rock of Love.

See you next week for the hangover…I mean the reunion show. Kisses til then!