Rock of Love Bus: Hoetry

Hello dolls and welcome back onboard my new favorite mode of transport, the Rock of Love Bus!

Cry Porn

WHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?

It’s morning time at the luxurious Sheraton Louisville. My favorite, Farrah, is a little sad that her fellow Blonde-tourager, Gia, has been eliminated, but she doesn’t waste a whole lot of time on that ho. “Note to self: don’t show your vaj in public,” she says, cutting right to the lesson of the night. Not only has she learned her lesson, but Farrah’s ready to spread the Gospel and her first victim is animal trainer, Megan.

“You’ve got to step it up,” Farrah warns Megan, “Or you’ll go home.” At first I’m thinking, shut up ho, no one needs your advice, but then Megan starts talking and it becomes painfully clear that actually, she does need the Gospel of Farrah. “I’m just being me. I’d rather him come to me than hang on him,” she explains…riiiiiiight, that’s the way to land Bret Michaels and his ego. Just wait for him to come to you. Preacher Farrah doesn’t give up. “You have to make him want to come to you,” she explains to Megan who I am shocked to say might actually be too stupid to be on the Rock of Love Bus.

I’m not gonna dress like some kind of slut to get a man. (?)

Meanwhile, Marcia Brazil needs to move busses. Clearly, she can’t live with Juliette Lewis Ashly after the whole attempted murder incident. So with Brazil imprisoned on the dreaded, boring blue bus, the hos are on their way to the next dazzling location on the Bret Michaels tour, Indianapolis. We don’t really get to see all the dinky bars in this locale, cause it’s daytime…and we’re pulling up to a church. Today’s challenge is called Rockin’ Down The Aisle, and the hos are charged with writing Bret some wedding vows. What other rent-a-bachelor reality show would do this? Write me some damn vows. And come down the aisle dressed in some hot pink and black lingerie.

I vow to never do internet porn for free again.

But I’m getting ahead of myself with the polyester lingerie wardrobe. First, we write the vows. Porn Brittaney wants the world to know that she’s truly in love with Bret for the rest of her life. She knows they can be a great team thinks they should “fly on our beautiful wings of love”. I’m sold! Britt & Brett 4eva. Brazil promises to not be so drunk and crazy. Boring Butch Beverly isn’t any good at this challenge. Can’t articulate. Maybe she is a dude. But she ends up with a vow vowing to do better at the next challenge, and I thought that was kind of cute.

I think the Converse shoes are going to be what really puts her over the top.

Then Boring Butch has to mess it all up by reminding us that while writing vows isn’t really her bag of tricks, bull or pig wrestling would be right up her alley. Another one right on top of what it takes to land Bret Michaels. Nutbar Constandina has a plan involving some kind of belly dancing/stripper moves. She calls it classy and starts gyrating around in the background while Marcia’s talking about tequila. It’s a very interesting dance, and I’ve still got her filed under total banana.

They pull up to the church, and Farrah apologizes to Jesus for painting her body and letting her boobs hang out. Whatever, that’s totally not sinning. The hos walk off the bus, and Bret pronounces them all “smoking beautiful”. Then he sends them into wardrobe for the aforementioned hot pink and black bridal lingerie. It’s the virginal look, Bret Michaels style. He also advises them to bring nice gifts. You should always bring a gift. That’s just ho-lite.

God? Are you there? I’ll totally show you my gina ring if you let me win this one.

They start getting dressed and Nutbar Constandina looks stoned. Adorable Kelsey tells us that she’s from Utah, so as far as Bret getting vowed to by fourteen other hos, “It’s fine, I’m used to it.” Of course, Boring Butch isn’t putting on the hot pink and black lingerie. As she puts it, “I’m not walking down the aisle looking like a freaking hooker.” Well, as much as I think she needs to suit up and shut up if she wants to stay on the bus, I really can’t fault her argument.

Juliette Lewis is pretty sure she’s gonna win it. She flashes quite a bit as she wriggles around on the floor, squeezing herself into some polyester lingerie, and I concur that she just might have chance.

How much bigger is the box? I’m guessing not much.

And then it’s time for the wedding that got puked on by poly-blend lingerie to begin. Bret’s really dressed up in a muscle t-shirt with a tuxedo printed on it. “The Bret Michaels Wedding Tuxedo,” he tells us proudly. From the upcoming Bret Michaels Wedding Line? It’s no great marketing achievement, certainly no Rodeo Rise and Shine Oatmeal Pancakes, but there are just enough dudes out there still sporting mullets to give the brand a chance.

Bret tells us that no wedding is complete without musical accompaniment, which brings us to a very cheerful lesbian playing Here Comes The Bride on an electric guitar. Who says romance is dead? First up to make their vows to Bret is Porn Brittaney. She walks down the aisle reminding us of how her great skill as a singer/songwriter should really translate with this whole vow thing.

I sing for scraps.

Bret listens politely for like three seconds, and then notices that Porn’s vows are five pages long. “She’s either madly in love with me, or clinically insane,” he says, then arranges his expression from bored to pissed to just trying to keep his eyes open as Porn goes on and on about being his umbrella in the rain of tears across his beautiful face. “Sooooo lame,” drawls Farrah. But Porn, predictably delusional, thinks she’s got it in the bag.

Farrah also thinks she’s got it in the bag, only she’s not all delusional about it like Porn. Farrah has accessorized with a big, black furry hat, like Pam Anderson used to wear. You know how Pam and Bret used to date? I think there was even a sex tape at one point. Anyway, for a guy like Bret, Pam’s not a bad gal to emulate, so I’m giving Farrah major points here. Plus her vows include a reminder that she’s a smoking hot blonde, and he can “hit it from behind”. Staying on message in a furry hat. Farrah pays attention and that’s why I love her. That and the fingerless glove she wears on one hand in her interviews. Badass ho.

Only thing I won’t give you is hepatitis C, but it’s only because you already got that from Pam.

Then it’s adorable Kelsey’s turn, who does a trick where she moves her implants around in her boob. It’s kind of gross. Juliette Lewis tells Bret she’d be a good wife, and calls it a day. I agree with her strategy. He’s so hot for her physically, talking could only mess things up. Marcia promises to cook for him and never wear panties. If Marcia was a dude, I’d totally date her. Nutbar Constandina does a belly dance in a beret? She gets more deranged with each passing moment.

Punky Brewster could have totally taken this road.

Dull & Insecure Samantha thinks she needs help cause she’s not as hot as everyone else. I got no time for this lame attitude. “I’m easy,” she vows to Bret. “I mean, not easy…” Ummm awkward, says Bret. Yeah. I predict we won’t be tortured with this casting mistake too much longer. Bret’s got no time for this crap either.

Soccer mom hair. Interesting choice.

And here comes Boring Butch Beverly, barefoot in jeans and a motocross shirt. She strips off the motocross shirt to reveal a t-shirt. She strips off the t-shirt to reveal a muscle shirt. It’s not hot. Then she gifts Bret with a motocross helmet. How did she hook up with such a perfect gift on such short notice? She must have been dragging it around with her, waiting for the perfect moment to give it to him. “She’s not the sexiest dressed girl here, but her gift giving skills are way up there,” Bret tells us.

Be sure to change the gels on the lights before the next shot.

Token Natasha gives Bret a blow-up doll of herself, another gift that must have been marinating on the bus until the perfect moment. One of the hos says the blow up doll looks more like a woman than Natasha does. When Bret leans down to kiss her, you can see the top of his head and I don’t think he wasted time on the weave today, I think he just jumped straight into a wig.

That doll has great hair. Can I wear it tomorrow?

Mindy (I know, who?) gives him a plaster cast of her torso, which is totally creepy. She’s super annoying. Princess Melissa comes up with a two-dollar bill that she’s made a wish on. It’s been in her family for many years, it’s actually a family heirloom she tells Bret meaningfully. He doesn’t know what’s worse, that this is their family heirloom, or that she’s giving it to him. Jungle Megan gives him a bunch of stuffed animals. “Does she know I’m a rock star?” he asks bitchily. This is the one who thinks he should come to her, by the way. Clearly ignoring the Gospel of Farrah. Stupid ho.

When we get married, I’ll give you my granddaddy’s green penny.

Tattooed Brittanya is “smoking hot, and that’s enough for me to want to get to know her better,” Bret explains to us. But she seals the deal with a piece of jewelry from one of her many, many body piercings. If one of these hos handed me some used body jewelry, I’d vomit first and then grab like four pairs of rubber gloves, but not our Bret. He’s enchanted.

And of course, Penthouse Taya has to jump up on her skanky soapbox to complain about Britt. “Have some class,” she snips. Listen, I thought it was gross too, but I’m not flashing my business in Penthouse. Not even Playboy, where at least you could make the argument for artsy and tasteful, but full on Penthouse. My new bestie Farrah is annoyed too. “She’s acting holier than thou. Don’t spread it in Penthouse and then look down on everybody else.” And speaking of used things from your body, Taya gifts Bret with the smelly panties she wore on her Penthouse photo shoot. But Bret still likes this uppity ho, and his only comment is a smug, “Now that’s how you win a challenge.”

I thought I lost this, but I peed it out this morning. Love you!

And then comes the “tough choice” says Bret in his tuxedo muscle shirt. Penthouse, in a Mrs. Michaels shirt, isn’t worried, and although I can’t stand this ho, I agree that she has no reason to be. And of course, he calls her name first. “You think I’m cocky, I’m cocky now,” she brags. Damn it’s gonna be sweet when she’s inevitably voted off. Maybe he’s hot for her now, but at the end of the day, Bret doesn’t like fake bitches.

Tattooed Brittanya gets called next, and she can’t wait to spend time with Brett. And finally, my favorite, Farrah! Still love the hat, totally the way to go. Porn Brit and her eye glitter are very, very upset. Even though the vow winners were Taya, Brittanya and Farrah, it’s all hos on deck when it’s time to leave the chapel. And there’s a huge crowd of Bret Michaels fans there to send them off. Even the hos who lost the challenge are loving it.

But back on the bus, Porn is out of control. “Why?” she bawls, “Why? Am I not good enough?” Well obviously, no. Juliette Lewis tells us she has no time to deal with hysterical Porn, but at least tells her Bret just didn’t like her vows and to get over it. That is far kinder than I would have been. But then Juliette Lewis does me proud and gets together with Token to laugh their asses off at Porn. And now Porn’s even more upset. She can’t take it anymore. She’s never been so totally disrespected. Even in…porn?

Someone pour a glass of milk on her face or something so she’ll feel loved.

The busses roll up to the hotel for the night, and it’s the coolest hotel I’ve ever seen – every room’s a theme! There’s the Alien Invasion room, the Venetian Holiday room, the Pink Cadillac room. I would spend the night in any of these rooms. I’m not saying I would sleep on the beds or anything, but I’d totally party there.

And then there’s Big John who a) is not half bad looking with hair, and b) loves to play bartender, getting Bret’s hos drunk so Bret can get laid and BJ can scrape up the leftovers. Win / win for everyone! Brazil takes one look at the tequila bottle and tells it, “You’re going down!” Well, at least something is cause you know Brazil will be too busy munching Doritos and puking the tequila back out to do so later.

A dance party ensues, with everyone giving Bret lap dances. But Princess Melissa joins Taya on her skanky soapbox to tell everyone that she’s not drinking or dancing. I don’t get this one at all. Isn’t she a pole dancer? Seriously, a porn star who’s never been disrespected before, a Penthouse pet who thinks everyone else needs to show some class and now a pole dancer who’s too good to give a lap dance? Have I mentioned delusional?

Well, I never!

Someone get this poor guy some Febreze.

Anyway, most of the hos give pretty good lap dances, and Porn is not thrilled with the competition. So she heads out to change into a most unflattering bikini and then proceeds to give Bret the most disgusting lap dance ever. All Bret has to say is that “there’s a lot of stuff hanging out”. “I didn’t know they made bikinis in size Fat Fuck,” says Juliette Lewis. But of course Porn chalks it up to the other hos being “just jealous of my moves”. Okay, there’s delusional, and then there’s just mentally retarded.

I’ve gotta tell crafts services to stop feeding these girls legumes.

After everyone’s drunk and sufficiently rubbed all over Bret, he takes them inside for a game of Who’s Smarter Than A Rockstar. In this group, probably no one. If they win, they get an All Access pass, which they can use to get alone time with Bret whenever they want. Anyway, there’s some math and questions about Poison and to my dismay, the winners of the All Access pass include Penthouse Taya, who brags about knowing that Poison was from Pennsylvania like knowing that qualifies her for Mensa status.

The other winners are Brittanya, who seems dumber than dirt but manages to snag a pass by jumping on Bret and making out with him. So maybe not so dumb after all. And finally, Token Natasha gets the last pass, just cause he thinks she’s hot. Of course, Porn is very upset at the results. “I wasn’t given credit for my correct answers,” she whines.

And who’s to blame for Porn not getting credit for her correct answers? Why, Token Natasha of course! Porn attacks her in the fantasy suite hotel, and we have our first bitchfight in the city of Indianapolis. She has small boobs, she’s a crackhead, I’ll make you want to commit suicide, nothing we haven’t heard before. Until Token, who actually looks a little gorgeous without ten pounds of mascara creeping down her face, gets confronted with the affirmative action argument.

Feathers fly until it ends with Porn insisting she’s not a racist, that her Grandfather’s black and oh, her Mother loves her. All this while sobbing under a big planet in the alien invasion room. No one in the editing room’s playing subtle today, but that’s totally fine.

LOL

The next morning, it’s time for Farrah, Brittanya and Taya’s group date. They head out to nature. “What the French?” asks Farrah. Another thing I love about her by the way. “What the French?” It’s so stupid, how could you not love it? Anyway, Farrah’s not an outdoor person, she’s scared of snakes and spiders and really not too thrilled about this date. Not even trying to fake it. They pull up to a pumpkin patch, and as the hos walk up, Bret is thrilled to see his “future ex-wives”. Farrah and Brittanya look hot, but Taya looks like a new mom ready for a big night out at Applebees.

Get the kids some crayons and one of those Little Mermaid menus and it will be just like we’re alone!

Poor Bret tries to make something out of these silly pumpkins, and tells the hos that instead of taking them to Louis Vuitton in Paris…they get the pumpkin patch in Greenfield, Indiana. Oh, not even Indianapolis? I momentarily weep for the career that used to be Bret Michaels, but even in the heyday the best his hos ever got was probs a shopping spree at Fredrick’s of Hollywood.

Bret takes the hos on a hayride, and Farrah is too cool to even pretend like she’s having fun. Even Bret jokes about it, telling his dates they should all make love to him now cause they may die on this hayride. But come on Bret. Times may not be what they used to be, and I know the show’s named after you and all, but hay, bugs and horse shit? That’s really kind of pushing it.

I wonder what the White Snake guys are up to?

After the hayride, which Bret seems pretty embarrassed about, is a picnic lunch. Taya scrapes corn off the cob for Bret. I didn’t think this sounded right, I like my corn on the cob actually on the cob, but I double check with ChickBro just to make sure it’s not a guy thing. “If you were eating corn on the cob, would you want your wife to scrape the corn off the cob for you?” I query. He looks at my like I’ve just landed from the Alien Invasion room in Greenfield, Indiana and replies “Why would anyone do that?” Look, I don’t have time to try and apply logic to the actions of a Penthouse Pet who thinks she’s Jackie Onassis, okay?

Anyway, dumb Taya continues to woo Bret with talk of how she was pretty much raised in a bar, and finally Brittanya gets fed up. So she uses her All Access pass to shut Taya the hell up. Probably not the smartest move to pull the pass on a date with only two other hos present, but anything that gets Penthouse off my television for a few moments is all good to me.

That didn’t work for long.

Britt uses her time very wisely. She tells Bret how attracted she is to him, and how he’s the hottest guy she’s ever seen. Finally, a ho who took notes! “My only problem is…” Bret begins. Hold on, she’s a hot rocker chick who gifts him body piercings and worships the puddles of warm beer he walks on. What could possibly be the problem? “How do I get around you long enough for us to have a conversation and hopefully, hot sex?” he finishes. Well, with Penthouse and her broken “Off” button, that actually really might be a problem.

Back at the HoTel, Brazil’s ready to get the party started, cause she might be going home that night anyway. And who’s her partner in tequila shots? None other than her arch-nemesis Juliette Lewis! They decided they’re both great girls who love to party and with bitches like Penthouse and nutbars like Porn still hanging around, pickings are slim on the Rock of Love Bus. Plus, they have matching cheap plastic sunglasses and earrings. Besides tequila, what could be a better foundation for a lifelong friendship?

I want to be there when your babies are unborn.

And post-date, Princess Melissa, who clearly learned nothing from her confrontation with Bret last week, is back for more this week. She stalks over his bus like a ho scorned to tell Bret that the hos he chose didn’t deserve to win the date, and if that’s what he wants then he should send her home. Bret sighs, cause he thought when he left his daughters home he’d be getting a break from dealing with five year olds, and calmly tells Princess he’s getting mixed signals from her. To clear up any confusion, she then makes out with him. And Princess must be a pretty good kisser, cause this trick has now worked twice.

Then it’s Brazil’s turn on the bus, to tell him that she’s really just a sweetheart, and not an angry drunk. He hopes he can get her sober long enough to figure out if there’s a real connection. And then there’s Nutbar Constandina. I usually have appreciation for the crazy (see Porn) but this one just annoys the hell out of me. And she’s on the bus to tell Bret that she has a 24-7 sexual charge going on and it’s aimed at him…but she took a “religious” vow to stay celibate for three years. What religion? The Church Of Banana? Anyway, Bret is not super thrilled at this news, and only hopes the vow was taken exactly three years ago to the day.

Finally, it’s Porn’s turn on the bus to tell Bret how she really feels. Finally! After the photo shoot song, and the five pages of vows, and the hysterics on the bus, and the psycho lap dance, we were all really wondering. And she’s got it all written down. Bret doesn’t even humor her. He flat out tells her to scram so he can focus on eliminations. He’s clearly got nothing for this ho, but I sincerely hope he keeps her around for entertainment value.

The Skank Tank

And then it’s down to eliminations. Jungle Megan still thinks Bret should come to her. And after the gifting of the stuffed animals, why wouldn’t he? Nutbar Constandina feels a spark…but the spark needs to be fed. And Brazil doesn’t see how she can go home cause she’s just too much fun! “Woo tequila wooo!” she slurs happily. I say she can stay forever.

Bret’s elimination ensembles sure aren’t what they used to be, but they’re better than Season 2. Tonight he’s got a black shirt and pant combo with silver print on it…and a silver cowboy hat! The silver cowboy hat really makes up for a lot. Clearly, Bret knows how to give a good gift too.

You know Lorenzo Lamas is at home googling this hat right now.

Tattooed Brittanya gets the first pass, and I’m totally fine with that. He gives Penthouse (who’s still wearing the ugly snotty mom at Applebees shirt from earlier in the day) the second pass for “understanding my spirit”. Of course, Penthouse has to tell us that even though her pass came second, she was still obviously Bret’s fave. This episode of Rock of Love Bus brought to you by delusion.

Token Natasha, who’s barely dressed at all gets a pass, as does Juliette Lewis and Farrah, rocking one hot pink fingerless glove. She is my new style icon, and I’m only half kidding. Adorable Kelsey’s in for giving Bret a striptease that rocked his world, as is Boring Butch Beverly, as a possible motocross pal. Although Boring Butch actually looks pretty cute tonight, and not in a slutty way – a real success story for this show.

It’s a girl!

Mindy (?) gets to stay, and so does Granny Maria, who’s gorgeous and also Bret’s age. Which leaves us with Porn Brittaney, Princess Melissa, Marcia Brazil, Dull & Insecure Samantha, Jungle Megan and Nutbar Constandina. “Six girls, three passes,” intones Bret seriously. Oh please, will you do the math for us again? “For three of you, your tour ends here.” Thank you!

He calls Porn, Princess and Brazil down and tells them that while they’re the three troublemakers… come on, Bret loves a troublemaker. But his story is that he feels a connection with all of them. And they stay!

And everyone except Evel Danielle from Big Brother is excited about it.

It’s the end of the tour for Jungle, Dull & Insecure and Nutbar and I can’t say I’m sorry to see one of them go. “I don’t know what he’s looking for,” says Dull & Insecure Samantha, dully and insecurely, “But it isn’t me.” Not today, sweetie. See you on Charm School. Perhaps Sharon can slap some confidence into you. Also, get some weave. You’re hair’s too short, and Sharon needs something to pull on if things get really out of control.

And we roll out of Greenfield with Porn and her self-affirmations. “They can’t pull me down!” she trills, “Nothing’s gonna break my stride or my spirit!” Well, hopefully she’s not reading this recap. Kisses til, well, a day or so dolls…

I hot glue gunned a plastic jewel to my head for this?