Rock of Love Bus: Mud Holes

Welcome back to the Rock of Love Bus! It’s time for Bret’s favorite challenge, Mudbowl. Unfortunately, I’m not much of a fan or football or mud, so I’m focusing on Bret’s private jet concert date, which just might go down in dating show history as the best date ever. Flash me something for a backstage pass and I’ll let you read all about it…

We wake up to learn that Boring Butch Beverly is over the Blonde-tourage. Oh really? Is she over people watching the bus? Cause no one’s tuning in for her boring butch ass. She wishes Juliette Lewis Ashley had been sent home, but I think she’s just jelly cause everyone knows Juliette spent the night with Bret.

And then we start the depressing portion of this episode with Sporty Ho Jenny, who tells us she’s here on the Rock of Love Bus tour while her Dad just died. A week ago. And the ho is understandably kind of falling apart. But she’s sticking it out because she’s grateful for the opportunity. Good for you sweetheart, whatever gets you through, but can you try and be less sad about it? Maybe she should have just skipped it. The bus might very well tour again next summer. State fairs never go out of style.

Aw don’t cry. I’m sure he’s real proud of you right now.

So they pack up and head out and it’s Whiner Mindy who finds the note attached to the front of the bus. And coincidentally, they’re going to her hometown, Nashville! Oh, so that’s where that annoying and grating accent hails from. Actually, everyone’s kind of excited about Nashville. It’s definitely time to escape the Midwest. The other news this morning is that the hos are supposed to split evenly between busses. And Juliette Lewis notices that Pierced Mute Brittanya is swapping over to the boring blue bus! Scandalous. And Rosie HoDonnell Cami ends up on the blue bus as well. Juliette Lewis seems a little sad to be losing Britt, but as far as HoDonnell goes, “she’s annoying and I would never hang out with anyone who wore brown lipgloss.” As always, couldn’t have said it better myself.

The busses roll into Nashville to some country music, and we catch up with the hos at their new hotel, which actually looks kind of nice. I’m noticing that the less hos on tour, the nicer the rooms are getting? Is this right? It sounds right. Big John – who I’m sorry has somehow travelled more than half the distance to hot, seriously, how did this happen? Anyway, BJ comes in the room with a note and a smirk and he passes the note to Sporty Ho. How does BJ decide who gets the note for the day? Minor detail, but he does always seem to have a definite plan on who’s in charge of note reading each day.

Almost there, stud!

So, Sporty Ho reads the note and it’s Mudbowl III! Bret’s favorite, my least. Football’s boring. Bring back the makeovers. Nerdy Ho Janey isn’t too excited either. She sees the cart of sneakers BJ wheels in with him and tells us whatever sporty challenge they’re doing, she just wants to get it over with. Bret assures us that this year’s Mudbowl will be “down and dirty” and that there’s a big prize at stake. Okay, I’ll just go along. I suppose I haven’t really got a choice.

Penthouse Taya’s been waiting for this “infamous” event. She’s ready. She probably played in many muddy football games growing up in a bar on the path to Penthouse. Everyone wears tube socks, which I kind of love, and Farrah tells us she’s ready to get some faces in the mud. Bret is truly delighted to be hosting the Mudbowl. It’s super muddy cause they’ve got fire trucks there constantly spraying down the field with water. Not quite as cool as last year’s weather contraption, but good for mud I guess. Bret thanks the fire department in an obvious voiceover. Everyone’s got to get recognized.

Who hosed her down? NEVER show that face without the usual spackle, honey.

The teams are separated by bus, cause Bret sees how it is with these particular hos. The blue bus are the Sweethearts – Pierced Mute, Penthouse, HoDonnell, Whiner MIndy and Boring Butch. The pink bus is the Fallen Angels – Farrah, Juliette Lewis, Sporty Ho, Nerdy Ho and Kelsey. The winning team gets a “fun” group date. But the MVP gets undoubtedly the best Rock of Love date ever. The MVP flies with Bret on a G4 to Dallas, goes to his concert with him and then spends the night. All the hos want this prize, and when I say “all the hos” I’m including myself.

As always, The Ego will be playing quarterback for both teams. Boring Butch says she’s looking forward to getting out some aggression. Boring Butch and her big shoulders are scary. The hos suit up and run on the field. Farrah’s my girl, but she’s got a big, jiggly belly. She doesn’t seem bothered by it though, she just smears some mud all over it and talks about how lame everyone else is. And again, Farrah’s my girl, but is there any other word than lame? Farrah and Penthouse do the coin toss and Farrah wins! Fallen Angels get the ball first.

And this game is rough! Like right of the bat. These hos are hardcore. Kelsey gets the ball for the Angels, and Whiner takes her down so violently it looks like she’s snapping Kelsey’s neck off. Second week in a row that Whiner came to play. Interesting. Brittanya throws herself on the ball and now the Sweethearts have it. And really, this is one insane game of muddy whore football. “Either they really like me, or they really hate each other, ” Bret tells us. On this season? Hate to say it Ego, but probably more the second thing.

Peppermint Patty would run the other way.

So it’s a really rough game, everyone’s beating the crap out of everyone, but no one’s scoring! Whiner tells us how “every play counts” and that nothing will stop her from winning this date. She really annoys me. Less annoying lately is Penthouse, who tells us she too is “ready to kick ass”. Sure enough, Bret throws her a pass, she’s all set to catch it…and the ball bounces off her boob. Juliette Lewis calls her an idiot, and yeah, but also pretty funny. Bret’s never seen anything so hot as a “boob-erception”. I wait for him to tell us it was a turn on, but he doesn’t. Weird.

So he’s yelling a lot of numbers, there’s lots of running and slipping and Farrah putting lipgloss on Juliette Lewis in the middle of the game which I love. Juliette Lewis gets bored with the game, and decides she’s going to do whatever she can to make it fun, and if that means that she’s got to pull down everyone’s pants…well, that’s what she’s gonna do. I thought perhaps Bret would be mad at her for making a mockery of the Mudbowl, but turns out he likes naked hos in the mud. Who knew.

And finally, Bret throws a pass, HoDonnell catches it, and there’s a touchdown! Kelsey tells us her team is now desperate for a touchdown, and a few seconds later, Bret throws the ball, it lands on the ground and the hos pounce. “And all of the sudden I realize I have the ball! Yeah!” Juliette Lewis tells us just as surprised as anyone else. She runs like crazy toward the goal, Bret says she’s like lightning, and then she makes a very dramatic slide through a puddle for her touchdown! Well done! Bret loves a show, ho.

You have to be ready at any moment.

Juliette Lewis tells us that she scored the touchdown for her team, so of course she’s going to get the MVP prize. “It was cool,” she tells us of her score. But now the score’s tied. Pierced Mute gets the ball, and Kelsey takes her down hoping this will be enough for Bret to notice her. Sure. One tackle and you’ve got it in the bag, honey. And then Whiner tells us she’s “about to turn this game upside down”. She annoys the hell out of me, but I can’t deny she’s playing a great game. Bret says she could play in the NFL if she wasn’t so hot. And then she catches a pass he throws right to her for the Sweethearts second touchdown!

So it’s looking good for the Sweethearts, but Penthouse tells us the Fallen Angels have one more chance to win. “We have to hold them on defense,” she tells us determinedly. Ugh, why are we talking about this on Rock of Love? So basically, the Sweethearts just tackle like crazy, and manage to hold the Fallen Angels off. They get to fourth and goal, and it really is last chance for the Fallen Angels and Bret invents some crazy play where they all line up behind him? He says it’s legal, but I wouldn’t know. Also, we don’t care about details like that what moves are legal when the show’s named after you, you know.

I think Bret might just prefer a date with the Fallen Angels and a solo date with Juliette Lewis and that’s why he’s making up plays to help them. So he finally throws the ball to Kelsey, and it soars through the air in slow motion. “It’s like, whoooooosh,” Farrah tells us demonstrating the “whoooosh” with her one fabulous glove. Everyone thinks Kelsey’s gonna get it, and they’re gonna win…and then she misses. Damn. None of my friends are on the blue bus. I so wanted a pink bus win.

Farrah is “frenching” pissed off. Kelsey just seems sad. And Bret does too, actually. “Kels, I threw that good, right?” he asks her. Doesn’t matter that Kelsey just kind of lost the game for her whole team. The Ego wants to know about his passing technique. “Yeah,” she replies dejectedly. And now Kelsey’s the only girl who hasn’t had a date with Bret and she’s worried about it.

Farrah’s boob has become a rectangle.

And then it’s time for the awards ceremony. Bret tells the hos they all played great, but the Sweethearts are the winners. He hands them the Bret Michaels trophy, which is of course, bedazzled. And now for the winner of the solo date…Whiner gave it everything she had, but Juliette Lewis caught some passes and pulled everyone’s pants down. This is a tough one. But Whiner is the winner! And Bret’s got a leftover letterman’s jacket for her. “We’ve got a date tonight,” Bret tells her and then whisks her off the muddy field.

“Gopher Face won the date,” says Juliette Lewis dejectedly. I don’t think Gopher’s got a gopher face, but I don’t really like her, so I’ll go with it. In fact, I like it better than Gopher, so now she’s Gopher Face. Juliette Lewis makes my life so easy. Farrah thinks Bret’s gonna be bored. But Gopher’s got them all fooled, and maybe Bret does too cause when he picks her up for their date, Gopher’s brought her A-game in short shorts and a tiny shirt and Bret thinks she looks hot. “Wow, we might not make it to the concert,” Bret says. Yeah, like Bret would let down the working class fans in Dallas. They get in the car. Gopher tells us it feels like a first date, and Bret is all over her. Then they get on a private jet, and Gopher tells us that she can’t believe it. She thinks she’s dreaming. And I have nothing bad to say about this date. So there’s that.

Back at the hotel, Sporty Ho’s on the phone with her Mom, and she’s worried about the family back home. Sporty Ho, like Farrah, wears a flower in her hair and that makes me kind of like her. She’s sobbing and talking about how she needs to get through this and put her emotions aside. Ho, you need to grieve for your Dad and the Rock of Love Bus is no place for that. At least this explains why she never smiles. She goes to visit the other hos, and Penthouse wants to know if she’s okay. Sporty Ho tells her what’s going on, and then she talks about how her Dad would want her to stick this out. Yes, every father’s dream, to have their daughter join the harem of an ate-up, balding eighties rocker. Sorry, Bret. Kisses.

I’ll bet he still tastes like Juliette Lewis.

In Dallas, Bret and Gopher deplane, and he’s all over her. The concert is at a classy venue called Billy Bobs. It’s huge and jam packed with people, says Gopher wondrously. There’s also a bull riding contest. Something tells me this is not happening at U2 concerts. There are fans everywhere, and Bret’s taking pictures with everyone cause he’s a pro. Gopher gloats about how jealous the other hos will be.

Sure enough, they are. Brittanya is in the tub, looking about a hundred times prettier without makeup. Penthouse says, in a not at all fake way, how she and Gopher will surely be friends forever…but she’s still irritated and jealous. Kelsey is also upset, and she’s another cutie without makeup. She’s talking to Rosie HoDonnell, who none of the other hos talk to, so HoDonnell is happy to listen. Kelsey’s worried that she hasn’t had time with him. She’s the Rode Hard Peyton of the bus, only the young and pretty version. “I really got to know him on our date,” says HoDonnell smugly. Yeah, between you and the two other backup hos, I’m sure you’re claws are secure in Bret.

Over in Dallas, Bret wants to see how Gopher handles the party, the show and “her rock and roll”. Some people learn to handle their liquor, some their rock and roll. Bret comes on stage in the silver cowboy hat that I used to love and now I’m kind of over, and Gopher dances on the side of the stage. Gopher has no rhythm and even less moves, but she’s pretty cute, I’ll give her that. “I have it the best seat in the house,” she brags. Sure, it’s all hearts and bunny rabbits as long as Gopher’s not sitting in general admission.

“It looks like she’s having the time of her life!” The Ego confirms happily. And Gopher is “so turned on” that all she wants to do is go make out with Bret. And as soon as the show’s over, they get right one that. Bret quips that “I’ve got one more encore tonight…and that’s Mindy.” Well, that’s actually one of the least offensive ways he’s come up with to say it. Watch, it will turn into a Bret Michaels solo song.

Or herpes or unwanted pregnancies.

They get to the hotel room, which is strewn with rose petals everywhere in case the G4 and backstage pass didn’t do the trick. They walk in the room, and Bret’s got a plan. “Let’s make out here and work our way to the bedroom,” he strategizes. Gopher tells us they don’t need to say a “ton of stuff” to each other, and then she changes into some leopard lingerie. Smart choice, ho. Sure enough, Bret thinks she looks “awesome” and then Gopher tells us they “get to know each other better”. Why are the hos always so subtle about it? Does she want us to think she tarted up in leopard lingerie so they could chat all night?

Dream on, honey.

The next morning, the hos are looking for Gopher. She knows she’s about to be grilled, and she doesn’t want to “kiss and tell”. Penthouse tells us she’s “not in a good place”, even though she knew going into it that it was an overnight date. Kelsey says that Gopher is all giggly and smiley, but all she can say is how “neat” it all was. Not one of them suspects that anything went on between Gopher and Bret, and not one of them considers her a threat. This is our most clueless and conceited batch of hos yet.

Back on his tour bus, Big John gives Bret a letter that he says Bret needs to see. Turns out, one of the army friends he made over in Iraq was killed. The wife has sent Bret a letter telling him that seeing The Ego’s concert was the “time of his life”. Clearly, this soldier went before his time. Anyway, he’s not really in the mood for his group date, but what are you gonna do. He meets with the hos, minus Gopher, and tells them that he didn’t have a great day.

Bret tells the hos about his soldier friend, and makes sure to mention that they guy’s kids favorite thing to do is play Bret Michaels on Guitar Hero. Oh, and he’s in one of Bret’s Iraq videos. “Tears your heart out,” says Penthouse blandly. Everyone else just sits there looking bummed. Bret sure can throw a dinner.

And then he wants some alone time with Pierced Mute Brittanya. He knows she’s shy, and that’s fine but now he’s wondering if she’s literate. So he takes her hand, spews a bunch of nonsense about how he’s a “good read of character”, but he feels a disconnect, and he cares about what happens in her life…I know he’s just trying to get her to say something, but I’m really not following at all. And neither is Pierced Mute, who sits there just as silent as ever. “Here we go again,” sighs Bret.

He tries to tell her that he doesn’t want her to leave because they didn’t communicate. And then he tells her that “whether I ever met you, or didn’t meet you, you’re a stunning girl”. Huh? And then finally he gives up, and then she makes out with him. Using Bret’s own weapon against him, cause that’s what she did last time and it seemed to work. Pierced Mute tells us that it takes her a while to let her guard down. Bret tells us that she’s mute, but she’s hot and it could be worse.

What happens at Billy Bob’s stays at Billy Bob’s.

After dinner, there’s some more quality time in the hotel and he gets to tell all the other hos about the death of his biggest fan. This is Sporty Ho’s cue to drag Bret outside and tell him about losing her Dad. She does so in an incredibly ugly ensemble of spandex with some kind of plaid skirt. Bret says he can tell she’s going through something devastating, but Sporty Ho’s take on things is that they talked about “important things”. Either way, Bret’s really not sure if the Love Bus is the right place for Sporty Ho right now. For reals, ratings.

And after social hour, it’s time for eliminations. Bret’s in a pearly gold jacket. Kelsey is worried because she’s the only one who hasn’t had a date with Bret. Sporty Ho is “super nervous”, but doesn’t tell us why. Farrah takes the time to mention that Penthouse should go home cause she’s, surprise, surprise, lame. But Bret sure doesn’t think so cause he gives Penthouse first pass! Where did that come from? Gopher is equally surprised. “Where’s my pass?” she whines. See, doesn’t take much. But she does get second pass. Gopher and Bret make some dumb joke about “virgin terrain”, and then he hands the next two passes to Boring Butch and HoDonnell.

You shouldn’t have eaten that corndog in front of him.

Juliette Lewis isn’t happy – she was next in line for MVP, why’s it taking so long for her to get a damn pass? Really. Even Nerdy Ho Janey gets a pass before her. What the hell? But then finally, Juliette Lewis has her turn.

Farrah’s next, but to be honest, he doesn’t seem to excited about her. Kelsey doesn’t want to go home without ever having had a date. Pierced Mute is standing there not understanding. “He’s hot and we had good conversation,” she says confusedly. And then she suddenly realizes that she really wants to be there and now she might lose her chance. It’s a very dramatic revelation.

And Bret gets down to the final two passes. He doesn’t do his clever math trick for us tonight, though. The second to last pass goes to Kelsey because he didn’t want to send her home without getting to know her. Sporty Ho is sobbing, “Please don’t let this be my last elimination.” Poor Sporty Ho. She’s totally lost, but she’s got some awesomely horrible eighties spandex outfits. Finally, Bret calls for Pierced Mute. He tells her he sincerely wants to know if she wants to be there. “Definitely,” she replies, “Yes, I want to.” This might be the most we’ve heard her say ever. Anyway, there’s talk of a clean slate and then they make out again. Bret’s hot for this ho, and that’s why she gets to stay.

Then it’s time to let Sporty Ho go. He thinks she’s beautiful, but it’s about to get crazy on the bus and she needs to “take care of your soul,” he tells her. Only Bret can get away with saying this crap. He hugs her, and then is kind enough to walk her back up to the stage, even if for no apparent reason. Sporty Ho’s taking it okay. She thinks Bret did what he felt in his heart was right. They hug, she hopes it works out for him, he looks sad, she was grateful just to be there and it’s all a big downer.

Next week’s a new and exciting challenge called Truckstop Games. We end up with someone lying on the side of the road, and Juliette Lewis furious because Bret kisses and tells. I love it already.