Welcome back to Rock Of Love! You all know what’s happening this week – that’s right, it’s the return of everyone’s favorite reality ho, Flasher Heather! I will waste not one moment more on some lame intro when there’s fabulous, glittery stripper gowns in our future. Slap on some cheap makeup and let’s get reunited!
You’ve never looked cheaper. I mean that as a compliment.
All the hos are in agreement that it’s a lovely, sunshiney day now that Germy Kristy Joe has officially left the building. And back in Bumblefuck, Wherever, the local cops are happy to once again have Germy’s daily ex-husband restraining order issuance to occupy their time. Win-win for everyone.
And here in the Rock of Love house, it’s time for the day’s clue! It’s handed to Muppet Daisy. Something about being honest with Bret so they can grow…and that someone’s going home tonight. Straying from the 1. Challenge, 2. Solo date, 3. Group date, 4. Elimination progression has the hos confused. Muppet articulates, “I’m totally confused. But I know someone’s going home tonight.”
And Bret fills us in that today is a day he absolutely needs. He’s bringing over some special guests – friends of the hos who will give him what he’s looking for. A group thing? That’s a requirement of being Bret’s main ho, you know, gotta have willing friends. And indeed, we are informed that, “Bret Michaels is bringing in the big guns.” Bret Michaels in the third person? That’s how we know he’s serious.
And the first of these special guests, is a remarkably normal looking guy in a newsboy cap. The last person on earth I would expect this average joe to be is Bisexual Destiney’s ex husband, but that’s who it is! So the theme of today’s visit is revenge of the exes! Bisexual’s not worried though, she and her ex are still good friends.
Next up is a Southern frat boy hat type, complete with the dirty baseball cap, named Casey. He belongs to Farmgirl Jessica. Butterface Megan says she doesn’t know who’s coming for her, but she suspects it’s not going to be good.
Butterface and the Geek
And so we get a smug looking dude named Josh, who Butterface informs was never even actually her boyfriend – they “kind of dated” for six months, but he had another girlfriend who he wouldn’t leave Butterface for. Sneaking around with someone else’s boyfriend for six months. Oh Butterface, what a delightfully classy ho you are. And need I mention that someone who really thought they were all that and a tube of lube (What? It’s Rock of Love, just sticking with the theme!) wouldn’t have to date another girl’s guy.
Next up is Cross Eyed Soccer Mom Ambre. I know, I said I was taking the Cross Eyed out, but then I read last week’s diligently researched reader comments, and realized that this ho is the same fame whore as the rest of ‘em – just cause she drives a mini-van in Middle America and paid more than $4.99 for her website design doesn’t mean she isn’t subject to the same skewering as everybody else.
Soccer Mom assumes her special guest star will be her ex-fiancÃ©, but Bret tells us that they couldn’t get any of Soccer Mom’s exes to come on the show. Their passing on the opportunity makes Soccer Moms’ exes look the best of all, simply by default. But never fear, we’ve got some total dufus in glasses and a blue Hawaiian printed shirt to do their duty. It’s Soccer Mom’s “best friend”, Adam – sexuality undetermined. The “best friend” status says gay, but only a straight man would come on television wearing such a hideous shirt.
I would like to enter this photo into evidence.
Which leaves us with Muppet, and as we know from the previews, she’s hiding something. And the clue comes in the form of some faux-Kid Rock type named Charles. Muppet tells us they’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than should be allowed. Charles has come on national television in a wifebeater shirt. Enough said.
But in all fairness, Bret continues, he’s brought someone from his past too! I know what’s coming! It’s someone who’s always had my back, he says and I’m nearly jumping out of my seat…and then, the door opens and it’s Flasher Heather! I literally yell with joy. Finally, Flasher’s here to rescue this bum Season Two!
And Flasher does not disappoint! She struts in the room, in Bret’s patented rock star arms-out pose. She is decked out in a one piece hot pants jumper cut down to there, white jacket, tons of jewelry and bright yellow weave as far as the eye can see! Oh, how I’ve missed this ho. Flasher takes it to a whole new level.
The first thing she tells the hos is that she hopes they brought their extra livers! Then she adds that she only parties naked! Farmgirl nervously looks down at her smallish chest. Soccer Mom is intimidated. She should be, Flasher might drizzle her with Jack and eat her for lunch.
Bisexual is thrilled, Flasher is her kind of ho. And jealous Muppet is nervous, because Bret tells them that Flasher is there to help him with eliminations that night. Muppet thinks that Flasher’s just going to want to eliminate the best girl for Bret, cause that’s what sneaky Muppet would do.
Meanwhile, Flasher and Bret hug for forever, and well, perhaps Muppet isn’t as clueless as we think. Bret tells us he’s taking the boys out for beers, and unleashing Flasher on the house.
Bring it on, you fabulous ho!
“The party starts now!” Flasher declares, and immediately indoctrinates Bisexual with a shot. “Heather’s here for ten minutes and already we’re doing body shots with our shirts off, I love it!” yells Bisexual. Soccer Mom tells us “this girl is going to make us party.” She sounds worried. She should be. No white wine spritzers today, honey.
Meanwhile, Bret has taken the boys to a cigar club. Fancy. He offers around some cigars, but no takers. “Not a better day spent than with your girlfriends ex-boyfriends,” he comments. “I know it’s awkward,” he continues. Still silence. So far, we have learned that these hos date men as dull as they are.
Finally, Bret gets down to business. He picks on the wimp with the glasses and Hawaiian shirt first. He wants to know about Soccer Mom. “She’s so determined”, Bret says, “Is she in this to win me, or just because winning is what she does?” Adam simpy says no, Soccer Mom’s for real. Incredibly insightful.
But wait, there’s more to come, as Bret asks Farmgirl’s ex Casey if she’s really as young and innocent as she seems. Casey confirms that yes, Farmgirl is indeed an innocent sweetheart, and the only reason they broke up was because he wasn’t ready. Bret desperately grasps at this bit of news and tells us this makes him nervous – if young Casey could break her heart, how will she handle the rock and roll lifestyle? Who gives a shit, can we just get back to Flasher?
Did anyone happen to catch Sondheim’s Company on Great Performances a couple weeks back?
Not yet. Bret wants to talk to Josh, Butterface’s ex. Josh has covered up his receding hairline with some strategically placed sunglasses. Maybe I’m just used to Bret, but I prefer a flowing, goldilocks wig. Josh completely sabotages Butterface, telling Bret that if she thinks she can get something out of you, she’ll like you. He also informs Bret of Butterface’s reality show history. Bret had no idea, and now he’s wondering about her real purpose. Butterface’s ex is a guy who dated her on the side for six months, strung her along and then screwed her on TV. Awww, couldn’t happen to a nicer ho.
And then finally, we’re back to Flasher and the hos! “You’re trying to date a rock star, pop out of your chill,” she’s instructing them. Pop out of your chill? Where does she come up with this shit? And how quickly can I turn it around and appropriate it into my everyday conversation?
Flasher gets Farmgirl and Butterface alone and immediately asks them who they hate. They are quick to name Bisexual. “You look familiar,” she shoots at Butterface, “How do I know you?” I smell little production intervention, cause I don’t see Flasher sitting around at home watching Beauty and The Geek. Unless, perhaps they ran into each at a reality audition. That’s very possible.
Anyway, Butterface tells her about her reality TV past, and Flasher gloats that she’s already got them spitting out the truth. She loves it and I do too. Consider this recap my official request for someone to please give this ho her own show.
Flasher John, MD
Flasher follows the trail of dirty condoms to Bisexual, and asks who her favorite bands are. “Poison, Motley Crue…” she reels off immediately. Her former boyfriend was the drummer for a band called Brides of Destruction. Yeah, I had no idea either, so I googled them and their big claim to fame was that Nikki Sixx was a member for about five minutes before he ditched them to go squeeze a little more cash out of Motley Crue. Needless to say, compared with the drummer for these nobodies, Bret Michaels = upgrade.
Flasher swiftly classifies Bisexual as a rock star groupie, but come on doll, spandex calling the stretch-satin slutty, you know? Not wanting to let the party die down for a moment, Flasher jumps right into a game of Truth or Dare. I couldn’t tell you what she has in mind, cause the next four sentences she says are bleeped. Just another thing to totally love about her.
She dares Bisexual to take off all her clothes and do a cartwheel on the grass. Bisexual strips down in four seconds flat and does a whole row of cartwheels. “You wanna be with Bret, you gotta know how to party!” she gleefully tells us.
Not so much sweetie, cause when we check back in with him, it’s naptime at the cigar bar. He asks incredibly normal Adam, Bisexual’s ex, about her. She likes to party, likes rock and roll. Not exactly new and groundbreaking information for those few of us who’ve been watching.
Bret’s fear is that Bisexual is just after a backstage pass, but whatever, “she’s an uber-groupie and a super cool rocker chick”. I really don’t see how that would impede any type of relationship with Bret.
This was a good idea, guys. Thanks for coming.
Then he turns to Charles, Muppet’s ex. They’ve been in a band together for three years. They’ve toured together. OK, so what’s the gossip? “Do you still have a physical relationship?” Bret asks him. Charles says no, but Bret notices him squirming. “I just want to see her happy,” Charles mumbles. Just want her to be happy? Sure sign he’s totally still into her.
Finally, Bret realizes that in this episode, he’s competing with Flasher for screen time, so he hightails it the hell out of the cigar bar. “We need to liven it up,” he tells the dudes. There better be a strip club on this man date, or we’re in big trouble.
Back at the Coochie Chalet, the hos are telling Flasher that they all really get along. Yay, happy sunshine, but give me a freakin’ break! Flasher isn’t having any of this nonsense either, and because they’re all desperate to impress her, Butterface starts to spill the dirt. “It’s difficult, cause this is the person I’m closest to in the house…” she begins, and then proceeds to trash Farmgirl. She’s too innocent, Butterface says. Farmgirl immediately starts bawling and crying about being betrayed while Butterface explains herself with a lame, “There’s nothing wrong with you.”
Flasher, knowing that now Farmgirl is now primed to dish, drags her away and proceeds to get her not-so-innocent opinion about everybody. “This much dirt already,” Flasher brags, ” What other dirt is there?”
And next thing you know, Muppet is the one crying, and Farmgirl is wasted and prancing around in a gold bikini. I can not say thank you enough to whatever production person had the good sense to bring Flasher back into the mix. If only they had done it sooner, we wouldn’t have been nearly as bored for the last two months. Can you just picture that house with Flasher and Germy Joe in it? Would have been reality ratings gold.
But anyway, Muppet comes crying to Flasher that there’s something huge that she hasn’t told Bret and she needs to talk about it immediately. Flasher is gone with Muppet in a jiff. Muppet hems and haws about her big news, but Flasher quickly informs her that whatever dirt Charles has on her, he’s gonna tell Bret.
I’m really in my seventies! WAAAHHHHH!
“We still live together!” Muppet sputters. Oh my. How many bedrooms, Flasher wants to know. That would be one. And her excuse? “We signed a lease!” Oh well, may as well just keep fucking them. You know, what with the lease and all.
“Who does that?” Flasher asks disgustedly. Muppet swears they haven’t been physical in two years. Sweetie, how long is that lease? Bisexual overhears and is indignantly outraged – another one who’s been lying to Bret, and Bisexual’s pissed. And with good reason! Bisexual’s completely upfront about her groupie whore status.
Muppet is nearly hysterical. She tells us that she doesn’t talk about her personal life, and that she “can’t help the person she used to be”. What does that mean? Is there more to the story? Is Charles her bandmate and roommate and her pimp too? But, having gathered all the dirt from Muppet, Flasher’s off with a “Great talk, gotta pee!” and leaves Muppet wiping her tears with her furry, orangey, felt hand.
Flash grabs Butterface and Bisexual to discuss the scoop about Muppet as soon as possible, and they are both quick to confirm that Muppet is a bad, bad lady and most definitely not there for Bret. Butterface tells us that she thinks Muppet’s secret is great. “Find something terrible, focus on that,” she says snidely. That’s right, when you’ve got nothing to offer besides a nice body, you better be hoping the other hos sink themselves.
And where has Bret taken the boys to liven things up? Crazy Girls you say? Nope, Dave and Busters. Food and drink and arcade games. If that doesn’t scream rock and roll, I don’t know what does. Soccer Mom’s best friend Adam gets tough with Bret. “You’ve got your pick”, he says, “How do you convince the girls that you’re sincere?” Dude, didn’t anyone brief you? They named the show after him. Bret’s sincerity isn’t even remotely a factor.
But Bret’s so grateful that one of these boys is saying something that he does cop to using the same lines on all the hos. So that’s why he greets them all with “hey, beautiful girl”. And that seems to break the ice, but Bret really needs to talk to Charles one on one. He can’t help but wonder about Charles and Muppet. So, as the others head off for a high pressure game of skeeball, he corrals Charles.
Bret tells Charles that if he still has a physical or love connection with Muppet, then he doesn’t want to get too attached. So, what’s up? Charles gives him nothing. Which makes Charles a “conundrum, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in a mystery”, according to Bret. Or mentally retarded, according to me.
Back at the brothel, Butterface and Farmgirl are hashing out the “you’re too innocent” comment. Farmgirl is extolling the virtues of her friendship with Butterface, and offering a pinky swear to seal their relationship. “We’re not in kindergarten,” says Butterface, “There’s no pinky swearing.”
Then she scoffs at how Farmgirl believes that she’s hardcore, can drink and party with the best of them and is very mature. “If she wants to prove that she’s not a little girl, drinking more and more and falling apart is not the way to go,” she concludes. I hate it when I agree with this ho.
And that’s when things really start to fall apart for that hard-partying lush, Farmgirl. She is falling all over the place and dragging each and every ho down with her. Then she starts puking all over the place. “I didn’t realize you didn’t drink,” Flasher says in an offhanded “oops” kind of way. Just a few hours with Flasher, and Farmgirl has morphed into an ate-up, brokedown ho.
Another success story!
And then Bret comes home from his wild afternoon at Dave and Busters. But his hos are nowhere to be found! That’s cause they’re upstairs with Farmgirl, trying to hold her up. They’re all annoyed with her. Bret finally treks upstairs to find them, and Farmgirl runs up and grabs him, talking a bunch of drunk girl gibberish. She loves him, she’s trying to kiss him, and ewwww. Still pukey.
Farmgirl is completely wasted and looking like crap. “Heather, what have you done?” asks Bret in awe, “Jessica is out of her mind and moments away from projectile.” She clings on to him, drunkenly whining about how she doesn’t want to be alone, and how she would never hurt him. Bret puts on his Daddy hat and takes a damp cloth to her forehead. I say it every week, but you just can’t not like him.
While Bret’s being a sweetie with Farmgirl, Muppet practically attacks Charles. “What did you say?” she barrages him. Just talked to him, Charles replies vaguely. Muppet is completely freaking out.
Big John grabs Flasher, and tells the hos that he’s taking her to “download” Bret on all the ho info. By the way, Flasher is still running around in one of her blue, stripper cut-out swimsuits. Even Flasher’s wardrobe deserves its own show.
Best script meeting ever.
“Give me the down low,” Bret commands her as they set up shop on his bed, “What do you think of the girls?” She starts with drunken Farmgirl. Flasher just can’t picture her on tour. “Maybe too young,” Bret concedes.
And then on to Butterface. Flasher wastes no time informing Bret about Butterface’s reality show past (ummm, glass houses, Miss Surreal Life, but I love you so I’m letting it go), and Bret agrees that Butterface may be an opportunist. Then he says “I think Rock of Love is moving up on the reality show ladder…right?” Sure, big boy. Rock of Love is the golden ring on the merry go round of reality TV.
Another thing he notices about Butterface is that her expression never changes. She can say “I love you” or “I want to kill you” and her expression is still the same. That’s cause she’s a dumb slut whose only moments of cleverness come when she’s being a total bitch. Oh, actually, perhaps Butterface and I could be friends.
“But the upside of Megan…” Flasher continues, “She has a great rack.” “Cool,” replies Bret. These two communicate on a level deserving only of each other.
Meanwhile, the hos are commiserating with their exes outside. Butterface’s ex, Josh, is wearing a shirt advertising his bar. I actually do remember what it said, but I’m not going name check it here, because according to this jackass, he only even came on the show to wear the shirt and advertise his bar. Not that I have a problem with him doing something so mean to Butterface, but come on man, it’s Rock of Love. Show a little respect.
And Butterface is….devastated? She bawls as he informs her that he’s “only there to promote my bar, I don’t care about you.” Ouch! Ooooh. That was bad, and anyone else, I’d feel sorry for them, but it’s Butterface and well, what goes around…
…stays in your bloodstream until you take a shot of penicillin.
“What would you expect a businessman to do in that situation?” he asks her glibly. Businessman? Come on dude, you own a bar in Shithole, Nowhere and you’re advertising with a t-shirt. It’s hardly a mention in US Weekly. I’m envisioning a glorified kegger in a strip mall where you and your wannabe friends hang out. Get yourself a celebrity clientele and a signature cocktail, and then we’ll talk “business”.
But Butterface is inconsolable. Everyone’s best bud, Soccer Mom, takes her aside, under the pretense of being a good friend, but really cause she’s proving herself more and more to be the biggest backstabbing ho in the house. “I wanted him to be my boyfriend so bad and her refused,” Butterface snots. Who’s kindergarten now, doll?
“Something’s going on here,” Soccer Mom says, “And Bret needs to know about it before elimination.” This type of underhanded manipulation is beneath Flasher. Now we’ve ventured into Psycho Herpes Lacey territory.
And back in the bedroom, Flasher is telling Bret that she really likes Soccer Mom. “She’s my age, sweet, cool, but I don’t think your lifestyles would mesh well.” True, very true. The other four hos are drunk off their asses and completely falling apart, but Soccer Mom has the presence of mind to help dig a hole for Butterface. Sneaky, but no fun.
And when it comes to Bisexual, Flasher says she just wants to date a rock star. “She loves rock and roll,” says Flasher. And she loves “any guy in a band” Bret and Flasher say at the exact same time. I am telling you, this is a match made behind a dumpster if I’ve ever seen one. Why is Bret the only one who doesn’t get it?
But Flasher has saved the most wrath for Muppet. “She’s the one I had the most problem with,” she tells Bret, who is mildly surprised. Until Flasher drops the bomb about Muppet still living with her boyfriend. Bret is shocked. “She never addressed that with me,” he says. “She is the worst one here for you,” says Flasher bluntly.
So Bret decides to give it another go with Muppet and Charles to get down to the bottom of it. They’ve set a very dramatic scene, as they sit amidst the steam from the hot tub. I do appreciate the effort into styling the moment. I try to schedule all my dramatic moments around steamy smoke, too. Muppet tells Bret that she and Charles have a long relationship, and they’ve been best friends for a long time.
Everyone looks hotter behind a wall of fog.
Bret tells them that he’s very attracted to Muppet, and he knows that Charles “only wants to see her happy”, so if he keeps her in the house, is Charles cool with that? Charles says nothing for a few seconds, cause really, what do you say to the guy whose reality show your live-in girlfriend ditched you for? But he finally spits out a “yeah”. Bret’s not really sure he believes it. He wants to believe it, but he’s not sure if he actually does.
And then, finally, it’s time for eliminations. Farmgirl has partially emerged from her drunken stupor to tell us that she doesn’t know what’s going on. “The girls told me I threw up a few times, but I will make it to elimination if it kills me.” That’s the spirit, ho!
And as Bret bids the exes goodbye, Soccer Mom makes her move. She follows him to his room, tells him she knows it’s elimination time, but she needs to speak to him. She tattles about Butterface’s breakdown over her ex, and tells Bret what sounds like a very rehearsed line, “I’ve never seen her cry over you, but I saw her bawl over her ex.” She offers a quick n’ fake “sorry”, and then she kisses him.
Bret says that the information about Butterface is really eye opening. Then he says it kicked him in the “nards”. Never heard that one before, but according to the Urban Dictionary (I know, how cool am I?), “nards” is indeed a legitimate synonym for testicles. So, he sends BJ to fetch Butterface so she can explain herself.
Dopey Butterface is so full of herself, that she’s thrilled that Bret wants to see her before elimination. She runs over to him and starts making out with him. “She’s good,” Bret says, “She’s trying to distract me.” But Bret’s not fooled. He reports what Soccer Mom told him, and Butterface flat out lies her ass off and says that Soccer Mom was confused and talking about someone else! Shameless. Kind of love it.
Now listen here. I need to ask you girls something.
Well, Bret’s got every story that his brain can handle. And as for the hos, Bisexual says that Farmgirl can’t hang. Muppet says that she laid her whole world on the line and she hopes he loves her as much as she loves him. I’m assuming she means Bret, but at this point, who knows.
Farmgirl is still drunk. “Fuck the haters, I fucking rallied! I don’t remember it, but I was there!” she declares proudly. As for Soccer Mom, “I didn’t throw up, I’m not a stripper and I don’t live with my ex, so I think I’m good,” she says smugly. Dolls, I officially apologize for last week’s brief foray into liking this ho. Nobody gets to be judgmental here except me.
And the it’s time for a ho to go. I’m not going to waste words on Bret’s coordinated, layered ensemble cause tonight Flasher’s here, and she’s making up for every sane wardrobe choice Bret forced upon us in the past two months. Flasher is glorious in a zebra striped stripper gown with a big cutout in the middle. A couple of sequins wouldn’t have hurt, but overall I am satisfied. Flasher, honey, I knew I could count on you.
And even though Bret and Flasher enter the room holding hands, there are passes to disperse. The first pass goes to the girl who’s there for Bret, he feels close, he feels connected, blah blah blah, once again it’s Soccer Mom. She’s so not the right ho, but she brings the least drama so she keeps getting first pass. She’s happy to have her feelings validated.
You can stop making that “you’re grounded” face now.
The next pass goes to the ho who’s a true rocker at heart. He needs to know more about her, and it’s Bisexual. And the next pass goes to the ho who held back info, but he wants to know more about her, too. It’s Muppet, if she can promise to be open and honest. Of course she does, and damn, the long day of tears, shots and no makeup has not been kind to her.
Now that Germy’s gone, Bisexual has shifted her wrath over to Muppet. And as for Muppet, there’s more that she wants to tell Bret, just to make sure he’s okay with “the other stuff”. What else does this skank have stashed in that one bedroom apartment? Another band member? An online porn studio? Illegal llamas? Let us know, ho!
So we’re down to former pinky sweared BFFs turned sworn enemies, Farmgirl and Butterface. Farmgirl doesn’t want to leave under these circumstances, and Butterface has stolen Germy’s line about how she’ll be devastated if she has to go home. Soccer Mom thinks Butterface should go home, and breaks out the “I’ve never seen her cry over Bret but she sobbed over her ex” line again. Butterface thinks Farmgirl should go, cause she’s “barely wiped the puke off her face and I can still smell it.” Will this be the last bit of bitchy snark we’ll get to hear from Butterface? Well, at least until the reunion?
And yes, it is! Bret thinks Farmgirl is genuine and “here for the right reasons”. She’s in! She knows she made an ass of herself, and she thinks she owes Bret an apology. When he asks her to stay and rock his world, she promises to try not to throw up on him. Awww, a chick who tries her best not to puke on you. What more could he ask for?
And then it’s time for Butterface’s Last Stand. She comes down to meet him, and he asks to hold her hand. She says nothing. He tells her he thinks she’s beautiful, but he can’t seem to get to the next level. Still nothing. “Sorry, but the tour ends here,” he tells her. Butterface just stands there, shaking her head. “Hmph,” says Bret. “Hmph,” he repeats.
What do you do with the ho who won’t go?
“I tried…” Bret tells her. Still nothing. Finally, he asks if he can walk out with her. He walks her outside, and tries to be nice, but Butterface is in shock and won’t even let him touch her. She manages to get it together in her interview to say that she really had feelings for him, and it hurts that he didn’t see it. I’m surprised we don’t hear anymore about how surprising the whole thing is cause she’s so hot, but oh well, I’m happy to see her go so I’ll just live with the disappointment.
And it doesn’t take Bret but five seconds to get over Butterface, cause as soon as he’s back in the house, he fills the hos in on their plan to “pack your shit, jump in the Learjet, and fly to Vegas!” The hos go wild! AND, Flasher will be joining them! Now ChickBomb’s going wild! Third person. That’s how you know I’m serious.
Bisexual is thrilled that Flasher is coming to Vegas, cause she thinks it’s going to be fun. Muppet is concerned about Flasher’s joining them, but she’s just going to focus on going to Vegas with her man.
And that’s it, dolls, I am officially calling the end of the coma! Flasher’s back, and she’s brought the good times with her. And that was nothing, next week, she really turns all the hos against each other! Everyone starts hating on Muppet, Bisexual and Soccer Mom get in her face, there’s slapping and Flasher’s throwing shit…I can not wait!
Kisses ’til then…