Rock of Love Bus: What? You Can’t Do Something Nice for Someone?

Welcome back to the only way to traverse every state fair ground east of the Mississippi, the Rock Of Love Bus! This week, we have a challenge, a drunken night out, a spicy bitchfight, a solo date and more! We have a lot to get to. No time for panties. You don’t need them where we’re going.

And now a story about Sonic the Hedgehog…

Good morning Farrah, you look….different without makeup. Not necessarily horrible, but really different. She can’t believe Skipper was eliminated. And then they’re done with that topic, cause a lot happens today. The first thing is the hos find their love note from Bret telling them they’re headed to Panama City, Florida! The redneck riviera, the note boasts, like this is a selling point. Oh wait, forgot the audience, it totally is. They cheer. Farrah tells us they’re ready to wear their bikinis and be hot. And one more thing, they’re breaking up with the Boring Blue Bus. All Blue Bus hos are instructed to report to the Pink Bus. “The Pink Bus just got lamer,” drawls Juliette Lewis Ashley. Good Lord hos, is there no other word than lame?

Suddenly she’s Nikki from Big Love.

And just like that, we zip over to Panama City! The hos get into the hotel and well, well, well. They’ve been upgraded to a high rise and they have a suite with a kitchen and everything. Penthouse Taya and Gopher Mindy stake out a tiny room with bunk beds, no doubt for the vacationing families’ kids. Or hired help. No, kids. No one who could afford household help would ever vacation in Panama City. Anyway, these two are happy to have their little own space with bunk beds. “That’s just us. We’re silly,” Gopher gurgles.

The hos are relaxing in the living room, and all of the sudden some vaguely porn-esque music starts playing and in walks the Roadie of Love, Big John. Now that I know that I’m not the only one out there who thinks this, I am flat out saying he’s getting hotter every day. I think the hos think so too. “Hi, honey,” one of them coos. Big John is not a bad runner up prize, especially for these used up hos. He’s serving up a platter of bikinis. The hos are to take one, and meet Bret at the pool. Juliette Lewis informs us that she and Farrah took the tiniest ones because nothing comes between Juliette Lewis and humungous boobs.

You better stop getting hotter or you’ll be out of a job, man.

The hos get down to the pool…but the surprise is that it’s the kiddie pool! “What’s a-goin’ on?” asks Mindy, adopting one of Bret’s catchphrases that she should have just left alone. He says they all look smoking hot but they have no idea of the terror he’s about to unleash on them. He’s surrounded by a bunch of ladies who he introduces as military personnel, or wives of military personnel. He throws in a comment about his whole support the troops thing, and then tells the hos that he’s giving the military ladies the day off, and the hos are there to babysit. They stand there in a line in their bikinis and heels looking like contestants in a very demented beauty pageant. And no one’s looking too excited about this challenge.

Pierced Mute Brittanya tells us that she doesn’t like kids…except her own. She has a kid?!?! I will repeat this sentiment two more times, by the way, so get ready. Who knew Rock of Love was such an haven for single, whorish Moms? Then Pierced Mute tells us that she’s never babysat before, and maybe if she had, she never would have gotten pregnant. Wow, Pierced Mute must be such a great Mom.

Then Bret officially announces the start of the Rock of Love Kids Pool Party, starring a bunch of kids who Bret calls “future rock stars”, the military kids. The kids come running in, and my immediate favorite is the fat kid jiggling around and waving his arms for the camera. Future rock star…or future fry cook at the Panama City Ponderosa. Bret tells the hos that the kids are the judges of who was the best Mommy, and the winner gets the “most awesome date”. I say it along with him, really I do. But I stand behind the G4 to Dallas date. The dinky amusement part didn’t cut it, and I doubt anything in the redneck riviera will either.

Big John’s replacement.

“My son is like five kids rolled into one,” Penthouse says, triggering my second ‘She has a kid?!?!’ of the night. But less because I’m horrified that she’s someone’s mother and more because her body’s so sick. Did she carry her own baby? So naturally, Mommy Penthouse is thrilled with the challenge. Bret distributes clipboards, making it seem all very official. They have two hours with the kids. And by the way, Bret throws in at the end, he’s left the kids with “candy galore” for a nice sugar high. Cause it would have been wrong to give the kids real drugs. On television, anyway. At the mention of candy, the fat kid goes wild.

Bret explains to us about his two beautiful daughters, and then tells us he’s leaving the pool to go spy on the hos via nanny-cam. I notice for the first time that Bret’s worn a cowboy hat to the pool. What, are wide-brimmed sun hats not rock and roll? Boring Butch is the next ho to boast of her experience with kids. This one’s no surprise, we already knew about her three kids and how she’s hands off Bret because she doesn’t want to embarrass the kiddies on television. Which will be a very important thing to remember for that night, but let’s deal with this pool party thing first. By the way, Boring Butch should not be wearing a two piece. Let’s just say there’s no question who carried her three kids.

Boring Butch takes charge of the pool project She grabs a clipboard, gathers the kids around and starts reading the super fun pool rules. Of course being a good Mom is making sure your kids follow the pool rules, but I’m doubtful the kids view it that way and they’re the ones voting. Sure enough, the kids look damn annoyed. “Everyone wear sunscreen. No running. No eating,” she barks. “If me and her don’t work out on a physical level, she could definitely be our tour manager,” Bret comments to BJ up in the nanny-cam room. Bret’s funny, and not a stupid businessman.

If mommy falls her chest will explode and kill us all so stop your damn running.

Juliette Lewis has a little girl painting a body paint bikini over the naked tattoo of herself on her arm. It’s classic. “Now she doesn’t look so trashy,” Juliette Lewis notes, admiring the little artist’s work. Penthouse, another candidate for the Most Fun Person Ever Award, is doing calisthenics by the pool. Jumping jacks next to a swimming pool, way to entertain a kid. Of course the fatty’s having none of this. He watches Penthouse doing her jacks with a WTF look on his face, then shrugs, turns away and starts popping every balloon in sight. And it’s like the siren announcing chaos. “All hell breaks loose,” Bret reports, “The inmates are taking over the asylum!”

The kids run around dumping water all over the hos and spraying them with water guns. “Stop running by the pool!” cries Bret from the nanny-cam room, just to prove that he really is a Dad. But it isn’t long before we’ve got bigger problems. The spooky music starts, and one of the kids wanders away from the pool area. Of his own accord, I’m sure, not in any way influenced by the dollar the sneaky PA palmed him. None of the hos notice the defector, and Bret’s freaking out. “He’s escaped the perimeter! He’s making a break for it!’ Bret yells from the nanny-cam room, confusing the pool party for war games. Big John just sits by, shaking his head incredulously at the breach.

But our girl Juliette Lewis chases the little jailbird down! She asks him what he’s doing by himself, and politely ignores him when he tells her about the dollar the nice producer man paid him. “Let’s go get some people and throw water on their faces,” she suggests, as only Juliette Lewis can, and they head back to the pool area. And here comes the biggest ‘She has a kid?!?!’ of the night, and that’s for Juliette Lewis. “My son is my life so I know how to take care of a kid,” she tells us. She has a kid?!?! Sorry, this is the most shocking one of all. I had to repeat it.

But Juliette Lewis seems really does seem to know how to hang with kids. I can see it, she’s totally fun. But she’s also looking out for them, telling them not to run and be careful but saying it an a really nice way, not dictating off a clipboard like Boring Butch. She dries one of them off with a towel and a snuggle. Bret tells us he’s seeing a whole new side to Juliette Lewis, and he’s liking it. Then she tells us that she might dance on the weekends, but Monday through Friday, she’s a stay-at-home Mom. Which begs the biggest question of all regarding all these Moms who have run off with the Bret Michaels Tour…who’s watching these kids?????

Alright stop staring at my boobs.

One of the little girls she’s loving on tells Juliette Lewis that she’ll probably win “the date with the boy”, which is pretty cute. Juliette Lewis just laughs and lets the kid paint on her while Boring Butch is busy begging the kids to vote for her. “It’s like she’s running for president,” Penthouse comments, while Boring Butch negotiates a bribe with Fatty. “Vote for me!” she yells, passing out something from a big plastic bucket. But what? There’s no way she could have had Vote Boring Butch! buttons made up that fast.

“Janey’s probably not a Mom,” notes Bret, watching her standing in a kiddie pool looking totally lost. “There’s kids running and screaming and I want to scream along with them,” she tells us. She wonders when she’ll get a challenge that she knows how to do. Well, considering all these challenges are designed based on Bret’s personality, I wonder if she’s considered what the hell she’s doing there. Bret also notices that Pierced Mute looks like if she could close her eyes and be somewhere else, she would. “Kids get on my nerves. All I hear is yelling,” she deadpans. Truly, perhaps Child Services needs to pay a visit.

Bret thinks Gopher Mindy looks hot, but he doesn’t think she’s ready for kids. “I’m not Super Mom,” she mentions. Oh, will we be treated to another ‘I busted my ass and I can’t win’ speech commemorating her total lack of effort? Maybe not, Gopher’s kind of been coasting since her big G4 date. And my ho Farrah is busy having a little girl painting her toenails. I love it. This is totally my MO with little girls. Well, not nail painting, I’m not wasting my Chanel polish on some kid who can’t even paint in the lines, but I get them to do my hair. It’s like a head massage. But Bret doesn’t like it. “Farrah’s having the kids take care of her,” he muses. Well, yeah. Isn’t that what they’re for? Fetching things and stuff? “Interesting,” Bret says, and not in a good way.

No? Then let me hold you under longer.

Then Penthouse starts taking over the pool games. “She’s running faster than the kids, but she looks good doing it!” Bret says. She’s not showing good judgment, he tells us, but at least the kids are having a blast. And with that, the party’s over. “It’s time to find out who’s gonna be my hot Super Mom,” says Bret. He dismisses the hos and tells them to go have some “adult beverages”. Farrah hopes she wins so Bret can get to know the real her, and not just the funny side. Okay, two things. One, if you were trying to win, getting off your lazy ass would have been a start. Bonding with one kid who painted your nails will hardly get you the votes. Two, when Farrah had her alone time with Bret last week on the ferris wheel, she spent the whole time talking about Penthouse! Farrah’s totally my girl, but lately, she’s kind of getting things really wrong.

Bret shows the kids a lineup of the hos. Farrah gets a thumbs down. Gopher does too, although she does get a vote for pretty hair. Boring Butch is applauded for filling up water balloons, but I think the whole General Boring Butch routine with the clipboard just rubbed the kids the wrong way. Nerdy Ho Janey gets booed, as does Pierced Mute, who gets called “mean”. Juliette Lewis and Penthouse both get big cheers.

The hos come back round, and Bret tells them the verdict is in and it’s down to Juliette Lewis and Penthouse. So, the verdict isn’t really in then. Say it right, Michaels. Penthouse notes Juliette Lewis’s naked tattoo of herself on her arm, and says that she wouldn’t hire her to babysit her kids. Oh, and Penthouse Pets are in high demand for childcare? Penthouse tells us she isn’t worried, which we all know is the kiss of death, and of course two seconds later Juliette Lewis is declared the winner. Naked arm tattoo and all! She tells us she’s a good Mom and a good person outside of being a party girl, and that she’s really proud of winning the Mom challenge. I would have been too, and I think I like the nurturing Juliette Lewis as much as the drunken, Lean Cuisine flinging one.

Shoulda tried a beaver shot.

Penthouse is disappointed, but she vows to shrug it off, roll with it and have a good time. Yes, she’s shown a real talent for that so far. That night they’re going out! The hos are doing a little pre-party in the suite, and Boring Butch wants a shot. And what’s this? Boring Butch’s boobs are hanging out! How odd. She guzzles a vodka shot, only the shot is the size of a 10 ounce cup. Farrah says she’s an alcoholic. “Your liver just called and said to stop drinking like that,” she quips to Boring Butch, who pours another Big Gulp vodka shot.

The hos pile onto Bret’s bus. He tells us that the tour’s been wearing on the hos, so he’s taking them to another hot nightclub, the local Coyote Ugly. Was Coyote Ugly the biggest marketing sham in history or what? The girls in the movie were so hot I wanted to be one of them, but the ones at the actual Coyote Ugly that the movie was based on were pretty scary. As Rock of Love has taught us, trashy/hot is genius, but trashy/fugly doesn’t work for anyone.

Sling those things up!

They disembark the bus, and prance through the crowd, Bret glad-handling people all the way. His subjects. “It’s gonna be a good night,” he promises. Until he sits down next to Boring Butch and compliments her on finally showing her boobs. “It’s the new Beverly!” he happily exclaims, only to have her tell him in her bitchiest tone, “You really need to fucking shave.”

“Or not,” he corrects himself, deflated.

Penthouse tells us Boring Butch is already wasted and she has no filter between her brain and her mouth, and if she was her, she’d staple her own lips shut. Why bother with parameters then, Penty? I think you should staple away. Meanwhile, Boring Butch is still complaining about the “five day old scruff” on Bret’s face. To his face. I’m sorry Boring Butch, have you and The Ego not been acquainted? Sure enough, Bret points out that he had scruff in the Every Rose Has It’s Thorn Video. Wow, this is the first time he’s mentioned The Song on this whole tour! I guess he really has been focusing on the solo thing. But The Ego was under attack, and The Song was its best defense.

And at the mention of The Song, Boring Butch says something so self-sabotaging I doubt The Ego, or Bret for that matter, could ever recover. “That was a long time ago,” she snaps. Jaws drop round the table, and on my couch. Oh my. To the millionth. Bret insults her right back, telling her not to get all “scary eyed” on him. “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself,” Boring Butch sasses to Bret. Where is she picking up her slang, Fresh Prince episodes from 1993?

Take care now, ya hear?

It’s clear to Bret that Boring Butch is pissed, and has anger issues. So he tells her that, cause angry people are always interested in hearing about their anger issues. Boring Butch is predictably overly sensitive, and whines that she’ll just shut up then. Too little too late, honey. Bret’s pissed. He grabs his beer and probably goes to hit on one of the Coyote Ugly skanks, who at this point are a better option than some of his Love Bus Hos. Nerdy Ho wishes Boring Butch would “watch her alcohol intake”. Juliette Lewis stands by disinterestedly and examines her cleavage.

After Boring Butch ruins her chances with Bret forever, the hos get up on the bar and dance like the skanks that made that place famous. And Bret’s really getting critical. He points out that Farrah has kissed Juliette Lewis more times than she’s kissed him. Farrah’s totally my ho, I want to hang out and shop for fingerless gloves with her, but Bret’s got a point. Last year we had Rock of Germy Jo with Manly Aubrey – remember her? Me either, had to go back and research, but I knew there was someone lesbo-ing it up for Germy. Anyway, I’m sorry to say it, but I think we may have a Rock of Juliette Lewis on our hands now.

So Bret’s wondering if Farrah’s here for him or the party. He leans over the bar, only to have Boring Butch squat over his head, practically smothering him in a crotch headlock. I nearly vomit just looking it, I can only imagine how Bret feels. “Could you please stop?” he asks pissily as Boring Butch falls on his head. He says they need to get out of there before Boring Butch stumbles off the bar and injures someone, and also that she may want to leave the dancing to the professionals.

Could you be a little more specific?

Back on Bret’s bus, everyone is in an army fatigue style Coyote Ugly t-shirt, and the party continues. Juliette Lewis tells Bret that his lips are hot, and Pierced Mute takes a test drive by making out with him. Boring Butch stews by herself in the corner, and Juliette Lewis notes that she’s got the crazy eyes. What is it about Bret that attracts the crazy eyes? There’s always more than one in his harem. They return to the hotel and everyone gets off the bus. Everyone except Boring Butch, that is. Bret wonders if they’re missing someone, and then when he realizes who they’re missing, he just leaves. He leads the parade of drunken hos down to the beach, with BJ trailing behind them dutifully holding Bret’s guitar.

Farrah comments that Boring Butch is sitting on the bus looking like she’s about to stab somebody, but then again, she’s always like that when she’s drunk. So, Boring Butch is a bingeing alky. Explains the blue-haired mohawked drummer she made out with. They get down to the beach, and now that Bret realizes he’s a safe enough distance from Butch’s drunken, angry line of fire, he asks where she is. BJ asks if his master wants him to go fetch her, but Bret just tells him to tell her to go to her room, relax, and when she’s in a better mood to come back.

Then Juliette Lewis starts making out with him. Then Pierced Mute starts making out with him. Instead of jumping in and making out with him too, like the Farrah of yore would have, New Farrah just wonders aloud if she should get her video camera. Penthouse hates the triple makeout session, and says that “these girls are no strangers to using sex to manipulate people”. However, spreading it in Penthouse and then reminding your reality Romeo of it every chance you get is…ending world hunger? Curing cancer? Please Penty, hop off your skanky soapbox for a moment and enlighten us.

Well get to it then. Then come back and make out with Bret.

Regardless, Penthouse does admit to being “irritated and jealous” so she and her girlfriend Gopher leave the beach bonfire, yapping away like bitchy chihuahuas. All I hear is desperate, pathetic, only so much I can handle and so much baggage. Who said what about who I have no idea, and I don’t think that matters in the least.

Over on the bus, BJ is counseling this weeks victim, Boring Butch. He’s advising her to stop drinking and ask Bret if she can “join the party”. That’s the kind of dorky opener my Mom would suggest to make nice with people. In real life, being smiley and passing a joint usually works for me. And now that I think about it, I think I’m onto BJ’s game. He makes nice with the hos he knows are about to go, so when Bret dumps them, BJ’s there to pick up the pieces! Bret may be in on it, too. Remember how he asked BJ to escort Skipper out? After BJ spent half the night telling her she had a chance and prying her off a speed bump? Boring Butch goes down to the beach, takes BJ’s advice, word for word, and Bret invites her to sit down. And she’s a lovely bonfire guest for about ten seconds until Pierced Mute, in a splendid, blue sequined bra top, climbs on top of Bret and gives him a lap dance.

“What the hell?” snaps Boring Butch, her promise to BJ to keep her cool already forgotten. She storms off, and Nerdy Ho follows her. Nerdy Ho, who’s always on the outskirts of the action, tells us that Boring Butch is an angry drunk, but she’s her friend. Best friends, she tells Boring Butch. Yeah, Butch totally looks like the BFF charm type. Boring Butch tells Nerdy Ho how hard it is to watch him with all the other hos, and how she understood that’s how it would be coming into this…and hold up, ho. You knew this would be how it is, and surprise surprise, this is how it is! Did you just think you could handle it only to find out that you can’t?

I wonder how long her ass hurt after getting this work done.

No. Boring Butch’s plans were much grander than that. “He’s had this for twenty years, does he not wanting something different now?” Ha! Boring Butch thought she was going to change him! I’m nearly on the floor laughing. You thought he was going to get a whiff of your stretch marks, ugly brown shoes, arms bigger than his and angry, drunken attitude…and want to give up being a rock star for that? Really, Boring Butch. There’s just nothing you can do but feel sorry for this kind of stupidity.

Old Farrah notices Boring Butch and Nerdy Ho standing off to the side and yells over to them that they’re not paying attention to Bret. “Bret’s not paying attention to us!” Boring Butch screams back. And I hate to bring it up, but the only attention New Farrah is paying to Bret herself is yelling at the other girls about them not paying attention. Put on a lacy glove and get in there, ho! And Bret’s really not paying attention to any of it. While Boring Butch yells at Old Farrah, “What should I do? Hike my shirt up and pull my skirt down?”, Pierced Mute is playing with Juliette Lewis’s boobs on Bret’s lap. That’s got him much more interested that some stupid fight with hos he knows he’s sending packing at some point anyway.

Back at the hotel, Gopher and Penthouse are being best friends in the hot tub. Penthouse lists all the reasons she likes Gopher: She’s fun, beautiful and has a rocking body. What other qualities could you want in a friend? Especially one you’re competing with on a reality dating show? While they’re in the hot tub, Juliette Lewis, Pierced Mute and New Farrah decide to leave the bonfire to go pee. Old Farrah never would have left Bret alone at the bonfire like that. But luckily, Nerdy Ho’s here to take her place. With Boring Butch having stormed off to go be drunk and jealous somewhere else, Nerdy Ho wisely takes advantage of the alone time with Bret. They snuggle, and he tells her that “this is more me than any of that”, which I kind of believe, and he tells us that Nerdy Ho is cool, laid back, and doesn’t get caught up in the drama, which is a good thing. It’s also a buying time thing, cause there’s no chemistry with Bret and this ho. Maybe because she’s so flat chested.

After their hot tub lovemaking session, Gopher and Penthouse decide to hop in the shower together. While they’re in there talking about how great they are and what skanky bitches the other hos are, Farrah and Juliette Lewis walk in and overhear them. Actually, I don’t think they overhear anything really bad, it seemed like Gopher and Penty were more talking about themselves, but Farrah totally loses it, rips the shower curtain open like Norman Bates and starts screaming. Needless, to say, it devolves into a huge fight.

I didn’t even know VH1 used big black boxes. I thought it was all about the fuzzing out now.

And then Juliette Lewis takes it to the chili peppers. She finds a jar of salsa and dumps the entire thing into Gopher’s suitcase. Now, I love my Juliette Lewis, and I’m not really a Gopher fan, but my opinions are totally reversed in this scenario. First of all, I don’t think Gopher did anything wrong. From where I sit, she knows the Blonde-tourage doesn’t like her, and she just stays out of their way. So barely provoked salsa in the suitcase? Come on Juliette Lewis, you just don’t do that.

After the salsa incident, Gopher and Penty understandably want to get away from the psycho hos, so they move to a new room. I’m really mad at my Blonde-tourage right now, by the way, if for no other reason than they’re making me sympathize with Gopher and Penty. Gopher, to her immense credit, is handling this salsa thing incredibly calmly. “It’s going to take more than a can of salsa,” she says from her new bed. Penty yammers away about how she dares one of those hos to take a swing at her. “I might be small, but I swear to God,” she swears to God, like God really cares about the Rock of Love Bus.

The next morning, Boring Butch has awoken from her stupor feeling better. Gopher and Penty are feeling better too, and decide they’re “ready to go back into the fire”. As far as the salsa incident goes, “All I can say is…lame,” says Gopher. Oh, now she’s appropriating Farrah’s catchphrases too? Make up your own, ho. Juliette Lewis lies in bed with New Farrah and tells her, “I put salsa in her clothes cause I was trying to spice them up. What, you can’t something nice for someone?” I’m going to have to compile a list of my favorite Juliette Lewis quotes, and this one’s probably my number one.

Such an angel when she sleeps! A slutty, badly waxed little angel.

In the kitchen, Penty’s eating some cereal called ‘Flakes’. Not Corn Flakes, not Frosted Flakes, just Flakes in a generic box like the ones they use on the Food Network. She rolls her eyes as Juliette Lewis prances in looking like a total hooker. Then BJ picks her up for her date with Bret, and he tells her she looks good. Well, different strokes, I guess. New Farrah is happy that Juliette Lewis won the date because “she gets to be away from these stupid, lame bitches”. Gopher takes a slightly different tack, hoping sincerely that Juliette Lewis crashes and burns.

BJ takes Juliette Lewis down to the beach, and she could care less about the salsa incident from the night before. This is her first alone date with Bret and she’s really excited. And the fact that the “awesome date” of the day is an ATV on the beach does nothing to diminish her enthusiasm, even though she’s dressed more for a stroll down Hollywood Blvd. They drive all over the beach, and then he stops for an already set up Bachelor-style picnic! “I have brought you to the most awesome date ever…,” but before he gets the words out, Juliette Lewis squeals “Chicken fingers!” Processed chicken product is Juliette Lewis’s G4. I love her, so I weep.

But it’s not all leftover chicken parts and awesomeness, Bret’s got some serious stuff to discuss with her. First he tells her she’s beautiful and she shines like a superstar. He really likes her, and it’s pretty cute. But then he drops the bomb…he likes how she is, but only away from the other girls. He tells her they don’t have her best interests in mind, and that “people will drag you places you don’t know you don’t want to go”. I love it when Bret gets all Mike Brady with the nonsensical faux-wisdom.

Cinderella, your chicken parts await.

“I’m not an idiot,” Juliette Lewis tells us, “I know he’s talking about Farrah.” Bret continues on about how he doesn’t know what “their” motivation is, and he has to send someone home. “But you still have a lot of girls here,” Juliette Lewis says, literally lickin’ chicken off her fingers. And points for you ho, for trying to keep your friend in the game. If Bret started talking badly about Penty or Gopher in front of the other one, you wouldn’t have time to blink before they’d be on a sabotage mission. But Juliette Lewis tells us that she doesn’t like Bret talking like this because she loves Farrah and it hurts her feelings. But now Bret’s really sure. “I need to get her away from her best friend, Farrah. Cause that’s the Ashly I like,” he says determinedly. Things are not looking good for the gloved one. I would be starting to get sad about now, but then I remember the way she made out with that trucker in overalls last week and I think I might find the will to live.

Later on, BJ brings Penty over to Bret’s bus for a whining session. She’s got her name airbrushed on her shirt, all 80′s style, and Bret likes it. He calls her “Taya McSuperHotness”. Bret needs to write his own dictionary. Penty wastes no time telling Bret she wants to get out her side of the salsa story. “They do not allow anyone to have any happiness,” she tells Bret. Kind of true. Damn you, Blonde-tourage, I really don’t want to agree with Penty. Bret pretty much looks bored and annoyed, and asks Penty if she thinks the salsa thing happened over the old standby, jealousy. It’s like he doesn’t even have to think about it. Some ho hates you? Obviously she’s just jealous, baby. This works on men too, you know. Usually applied to that asshole from work.

Anyway, Bret doesn’t like this conversation. He says Penty came out swinging, but now he feels a “disconnect”. He says he’s attracted to her, but the last thing he needs is more drama. Then she becomes the second girl tonight who forgets she’s sitting with The Ego and starts telling him about all the things she’s “putting off” to be there, and how someone at Penthouse told her if she could get herself kicked off earlier it would be great for their deadline. Pretty confident, aren’t you Spread Eagle? Then she starts telling Bret about how everyone judges her for being in Penthouse, and for wearing her Penthouse shirt all the time. Then she makes the asinine analogy that Farrah and Juliette Lewis prancing around in stripper clothes means they’re promoting stripping, “but nobody talks about that”. Yes, stripping’s the Voldemort of the adult entertainment world.

Those eyebrows are getting higher and higher by the minute.

And finally, Bret’s heard enough. He says he thinks the Penthouse thing is hot, but if he ever found out that she was using his bus as an opportunity for self/Penthouse promotion, he would leave her at the side of the road himself. He tells us Penthouse Pet of the Year is nothing to “sneeze” at – cause sneezing is what most dudes do with a Penthouse – but it seems like she’s more interested in promoting her interests than being with him. “I give people rope – either you hang yourself, or you climb up,” he says all Confucius-like.

In the hotel, New Farrah is sure that Boring Butch, or Boots, as they call her, will be out tonight because “she’s crazy”. And then BJ comes to get her. New Farrah’s nervous, but Old Farrah grabs her, yanks on her weave and tells her “You know what? Snap out if it!” Bret’s in the gym. “Another stop on the road…another set of reps in a hotel fitness center,” he says morosely. Grainy visions of sad Bon Jovi on the road from the Wanted Dead or Alive video dance in my head. BJ brings New Farrah in, and Bret pretends like he’s on his 1009th pushup or whatever, which I think he’s done before.

Bret doesn’t waste time before he gets down to it with New Farrah. He tells her she’s hot and funny, and he doesn’t want to step into the friendship zone, cause then they have nowhere else to go. “Awwww, french toast,” Old Farrah says. But I’m pretty sure New Farrah has ruined their chances. She starts babbling about how you have to be someone’s friend and she likes to get to know somebody and know things about them and there’s more, but I’m just stopping here cause I still love Farrah and it was a little painful to listen to. Bret looks bored. She leaves with a girly, “Thanks, baby,” and tries to kiss him, but Bret doesn’t seem to want to kiss her back. Uh oh. This is the third ho tonight who disrespected The Ego. Now he just looks at her as a competitive suitor for Fair Maiden Juliette Lewis.

That little bitch messed up my nails.

Next up for a visit to the fitness center is Boring Butch. “Right now?” she asks BJ when he comes to get her. “No, tomorrow,” he replies. Sarcastic bitch. Loves it. She trips over a suitcase on her way out of the room, and BJ starts grilling her on what she’s drinking. “Pepsi,” she insists. She’s scared. And Bret’s not wasting time with this one either. He’s nice, but he tells her that he doesn’t like her drunk side. She tells him that she doesn’t drink that much at home, and she’s actually not an angry drunk, she’s more of a happy drunk. A likely story. Bret says that being on the road can bring out people’s true colors, and finally Boring Butch spills that she gets angry when she watches him with the other hos. Then says, about no specific person, that some of them are trashy, and Bret the gentleman immediately fills in, “Ashly.” That’s not nice.

Well, once the name is on the table, Boring Butch tells him that in addition to thinking she’s trashy, she also thinks Juliette Lewis is “not a good person with a mean, vindictive, bad soul.” Well, don’t hold back. But what did Juliette Lewis ever do to her? Besides making fun of her ugly brown shoes that deserved to be made fun of in the first place. Bret dismisses her, also without a kiss, and tells her not to get “hammered” that night. She vows to be “warm and fuzzy Beverly”, which creeps me out a little. Bret says that she may have a drinking problem, but she’s definitely here for him. Whether or not that’s a good thing? Bret’s no longer sure.

At eliminations, Juliette Lewis isn’t worried, but she tells us she never is. Cocky. But right. For now. Gopher looks very pretty. Penthouse looks like a mid-level escort. New Farrah tells us she’s feeling “feisty” in her leopard print dress that makes her boobs look granny-ish, and that “if any of these bitches mess with me, I’m gonna scratch their eyes out”. What do the other hos have to do with eliminations? Oh, New Farrah. Nerdy Ho looks very 80′s Contempo Casual in a black lace mini dress. Bret’s wearing a brown leather jacket and a hat with a big cross on it. In the old days, the jacket would have been made of the same leather as the hat and there would be a coordinated huge cross on his neck, but all the wishing in the world isn’t going to bring Bret’s old wardrobe back.

Time to walk the skank plank.

Juliette Lewis gets first pass, and she’s wearing Farrah’s blue dress from last week. I don’t know if she’s accessorized with the leg warmers though. I hope so. Nerdy Ho Janey gets second pass for having “stepped it up” the night before. When all it takes to “step it up” is just waiting around a few minutes while the other hos drunkenly wander off into the night…well, that’s how you know you’re on the Rock of Love Bus.

Anyway, Nerdy Ho’s really scrawny, but for some reason she thinks that she’s “really in this, he really likes me and I really like him”. Gopher gets the next pass for keeping her cool. She kind of deserved first pass for that. Gopher points out that she’s not the girl who throws herself at someone, “but now that I know that he notices the girl who doesn’t throw herself at him, we might be able to work this out.” Unfortunately, the real reason he notices Gopher is because she has a hot body and went down on him on that private jet.

Pierced Mute gets the next pass, pretty much for making out with him a lot. Boring Butch gets the third to last pass because even though Bret thinks she has issues, he wants to give her a chance to redeem himself. The Saint of Roses and Thorns. Which brings us down to Penthouse and New Farrah! This is a horrible choice. Penty is horrified and sobbing like crazy. Bret tells them that, ironically, he feels more connected to both of them today than he has the entire time. New Farrah gets the friendship, partying, you’re a rock star speech. Penthouse, whose boobs are looking very lopsided in her Ramada Inn call girl dress, is told that he “believes in his soul” that she’s here for the right reasons.

Bret calls New Farrah down, and I know it’s all over. Bret’s hair looks very pretty. Fake, but pretty. Bret doesn’t waste any more time telling New Farrah that her tour ends here, but hopefully the friendship doesn’t. He’s not leaving her too fondly, in my opinion. I really think he felt competitive with her for Juliette Lewis’s attention. He says that the thing is, Farrah’s so hot and funny, and it just took this long for the spell to wear off. Then he says something about how they didn’t really have much of a connection….”no more than with anyone else, anyway,” he grumbles. See, jealous! And no love lost on New Farrah’s side either. She says she’s never chased a man, he couldn’t handle someone like her, he needs someone lamer. Oh, and guess who escorts her away? That’s right. Roadie of Love.

Leftovers are just as good sometimes.

Finally, Penthouse gets her pass. I love a smoky eye, but she really needs to blend. She tells him she’d be “honored” to stay. Wow, Penty finally humbled. And all it took was giving her the last pass. Talk about taking the long way, Bret. He says he feels bad that she got so upset, but she’s been coasting on that Penthouse thing, and if she wants him to be serious, she needs to be too. And Penty tells us that every kiss just gets better, and “when this is over, it’s going to be he and I.”

Next week, it’s the return of my favorite ho ever, Flasher Heather, and last year’s loser Lying Soccer Mom Ambre! The ho’s exes come around too, and some of them look like thugs. Boring Butch cries that nobody cares about her, and Flasher vows that “the truth will come out”. I also predict that people will be naked and puking, cause that’s just what happens when Flasher’s in the house! Keep your panties off ’til then…