If you thought last week’s episode was like a gallon of mustard on a teency soft pretzel, then you probably couldn’t force yourself to sit through the final episode of Rock The Cradle.
What I’m trying to say is that this grand finale was approximately 60 times as long as it needed to be, and included the trifecta of unbearable music competition show fillers: Medleys, Special Performances, and, worst of all, Memories.
Oh, the memories. You know, this show was only on for 6 weeks. So there’s really no need for any memory refreshers to clarify the arc of this saga.
But Rock The Cradle would be nothing without its video packages, and so in its final hour we must endure one helluva review session. It sort of feels like when you’re at a party, and someone is telling you a really boring and long-winded story about people you don’t know or care about, and just when they are about to get to the punchline, thereby freeing you to go use the bathroom or get another drink, some friend of theirs drops into the conversation and asks, “Wait, what were you guys talking about?” And thus you must stand there for another 10 minutes and listen to the whole story from the very beginning just because some asshole doesn’t appreciate how valuable your time is.
MTV, you’re that asshole at that party. And because of you, I missed the last batch of margaritas and now I’ve got to make a drink out of what’s left on the table: gin, diet coke, and Kahlua. Who the hell brought Kahlua anyway?
[Hey guys, see what I've done there? I've found a way to cram this recap full of nonsense to stretch it out. If MTV can use filler, so can I.]
We begin this show with a lineup of the remaining contestants. This is the first of roughly 16 lineups during this episode.
Remember who the contestants are? You do? Oh, well just in case, here they are again.
‘CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER. THRILLER NIGHT.
Nothing says big dramatic final episode like a fog machine, eh folks? With the contestants before us, host Crispy McPoptart gives us a rundown of the Big Three. “Crosby Loggins is talented, but puts on a snoozefest of a performance. Jesse Blaze is so rock and roll it hurts. And Chloe Lattanzi is dark and mysterious.”
And Chloe thinks her description is just hil-aaaaa-ri-ous.
SEE? I CAN BE FUN.
And now it’s time for The Medley. Now, shows like American Idol would probably have made all three of the contestants perform together and sing a song about peace or something. But Rock The Cradle lets them sing whatever the hell they want. For 15 seconds a piece.
In this corner we have Crosby Loggins singing The Raconteurs’ “Steady As She Goes.”
And in this corner, we have Chloe Lattanzi singing “Should I Stay Or Should I Go?”
SHOULD YOU STAY OR SHOULD YOU GO? YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO.
3. 2. 1. Now it’s time for Jesse Blaze Snider. Aaaaaand go!
THIS MAY BE THE LAST TIME YOU EVER SEE THIS CHEST, FOLKS.
Trying to remind us all that Jesse is not fake punk, he performs Good Charlotte’s “The Anthem.” Wow, yeah, you are bad to the bone, Jesse B.
I think it would have been far more interesting if every contestant sang their song at the exact same time, competing to be the loudest.
Ok, so that’s done. Now what?
Let’s line em all up again. Yep. There they are. Now, say their names again, host Dippin Dotty. Crosby, Chloe, Jesse.
NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER
Great, NOW WHAT?
“I’ve got an idea,” says our wee little host. “Let’s watch my acting reel. You know, in case any casting agents or directors are watching. I think I’d be great on One Tree Hill.”
I COULD PASS FOR 15, 16, RIGHT?
The audience falls silent. The judges shift uncomfortably in their chairs.
“No? Ok well never mind I was just kidding. Ladies and gentlemen, how about another round of applause for our 3 finalists!”
“And let’s not forget our panel of fabulous judges! A round of applause for them as well.”
Ok, I hate to ask this, but NOW WHAT?
“Uh… let’s talk about all of the contestants who were already voted off the show.”
Really? I mean, that’s kind of irrelevant at this point, isn’t it?
“We’ve got an hour to kill here. Do you have any better ideas?”
No, I guess not.
Now, I could attempt to discuss the Memories portion of the show, but basically, we reviewed the order that each contestant was sent home.
1. Jesse Money
2. A’Keiba Hammer
3. Landon Brown and Lil’ B. Sure
4. Lara Johnston and Lucy Walsh
And all of the contestants are back to cheer on the remaining three in the big finale.
Among them, of course, is Lucy Walsh. To everyone’s surprise, she was sent home in the previous week. Her final words before departing: “If you were going to vote for me, vote for Jesse Blaze Snider instead.”
This week, Lucy gives her simple explanation for her endorsement. “Jesse Snider’s my best friend…that’s why.”
ALSO, WE’RE SLEEPING TOGETHER.
Let’s do another line up. Check in with the contestants. You guys still there?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MOVE THINGS ALONG PLEASE.
And now we’ve reached the portion of the show where the contestants give us a Special Performance.
“They’re pulling out all the stops and singing…the same songs they sang a few episodes back.”
“Yes, the same exact songs. Their parents’ hits. Only this time, they’re singing them WITH THEIR PARENTS. Ta-da!”
First we have Jesse Blaze Snider and dad Dee Snider singing “We’re Not Gonna Take It.” Although, really, Jesse sings pretty much the whole thing before Dad strolls out at the end and sings the hook a few times.
SORRY I’M LATE, KID. I WAS FIXING MY HAIR.
Next up is Chloe with mom Olivia Newton John. And oh look, that stupid throne is back.
CHLOE, DARLING, MUMMY’S A LITTLE WEIRDED OUT.
They re-sang Chloe’s version of “I Honestly Love You.” Olivia just sang “ooooo” while sitting uncomfortable in the throne. I’m wondering if she forgot the words or if she was distracted by her daughter, who was writhing around on the floor, burying herself in fake fog.
And then finally Crosby and dad Kenny Loggins took to the stage to sing “I’m Alright.” Of the three performances, this one had the most parental involvement. Kenny sang practically the whole time, and kept drowning out his son with his loud “YYYYYYYeaaaaah!”s.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW IT’S DONE, BOY
Now that that’s over with, can we please get rid of someone?
“Not until we line up the contestants again and say their names.”
CAN WE HURRY THIS UP? I’VE GOT SOMETHING AT 10:30.
Crosby, Chloe, Jesse. Jesse, Chloe, Crosby. Chloe, Jesse ,Crosby. Crosby, you improved your performance this season. Chloe, you learned to lighten up. Jesse, you tried to keep your ego in check. Yaddi yaddi yadda.
And BAM Chloe you are outta here!
“YOU LOOK BUMMED, DO YOU WANT A HUG?” “NO, THAT’S OK.”
Chloe gives us some final words of wisdom. “Just be yourself, be unique.”
And then host Weenie Wompster asks mom Olivia what she thinks of Chloe’s performance during the season.
“I think she is a wonderful person and so talented.” What else would a mom say?
I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING PAID FOR THIS.
Are we done yet, Weenie Wompster?
“Look, I’m driving this bus and we stop when I say we stop. Got it?”
Fine. So what’s up next? A dance off? An Iron Chef challenge?
“I’ve got a better, more original, not at all painfully boring idea. Lets have Crosby and Jesse each sing another song!”
For crying out loud.
First is Jesse Blaze, who has done all manner of offensive covers this season. And for his big finish, he’ll do a cover of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”
Ah, Jesse, I see your point. True rock and roll should be gimmicky and obnoxious!
WORST CAMERA ANGLE EVER
On a stage full of bored-looking dancing girls, Jesse struts around and strips down to his worst shirt-less concoction yet: The Bare-Chested Neck Tie.
BUT WHERE DO YOU CLIP YOUR NAME TAG?
After Jesse, Crosby takes the stage to perform.
So, Crosby sings and plays guitar. Yaddi yadda. What more can I say about him at this point?
ROCKIN THE SUBURBS
Ok, Shimmy Shakes, is there anything else you’d like to do? Or can we just get on with the show and name the winner?
“Hmmm, I’m out of ideas.”
“Before I announce the winner, can I just line them up first and say their names a few times?”
Be my guest.
CROSBY, JESSE. JESSE CROSBY. CROSBY JESSE. JESSE CROSBY.
“Ok there, I’m done. And the winner is….Crosby!”
I can’t believe that boring ol’ Crosby is the winner! Sure, I started off loving the guy for being such a sweetheart. But then by the third time I suffered through one of his lackluster performances and awkward stage strut, I was all about Mr. Charisma, Jesse Blaze.
But I imagine that we haven’t seen the last of Jesse. He’ll for sure be making an appearance on TRL, if he hasn’t already. I’m too old and lame to watch that show. Or know when it airs. Is that even on any more?
Anyway, so all of the old contestants rush to the stage to congratulate their pal Crosby.
And we’ve done it, Rudy von Sprinkleton. We’ve found a way to stretch this show to the limits. We’ve only got a few minutes left. Should we just call it quits a little early?
“NO! Let’s just have Crosby sing one of his captivating original songs.”
You know what, fine. I’m too weak to fight any more.
Take us home, Croz. You’re the man of the insanely long hour.