I don’t want to seem vain, but I’m going to go ahead and quote myself from my recap last week, “You just KNOW there is going to be an episode where the contestants have to sing their parents’ hit songs.”
Folks, that episode is here already! The title of this week’s show is “Parent’s Mega-Hit.”
In their painfully confused efforts to differentiate themselves from their famous parents, these young stars are going to sing their parents’ hit songs. High. Way. To. The. Danger Zone! Sadly, we won’t be hearing Jesse Money yell her way through her dad Eddie’s “Two Tickets To Paradise” this week. She was sent home at the end of last week’s show, after America decided she was the lesser of the show’s two Jesses.
And this week, we learned she was not happy about this. At all.
That blur up there is Jesse Money having a very age-appropriate temper tantrum after she is kicked off the show. Apparently she also trashed her dressing room and screamed at the rest of the contestants.
At the after party, those left standing mourned the absence of their pal for about 6 seconds, and then they commenced the trash talking portion of the show.
Jesse Blaze Snider was on Crosby Loggins’s case about being a boring performer. And Crosby responded by keeping his opinions to himself, because he is a gentleman.
BUT IN MY HEAD, I’M CALLING YOU A DOUCHEBAG
And then there is the feud between A’Keiba Hammer and Lucy Walsh. While hanging backstage, A’Keiba complains about judge June Ambrose’s comment that she was dressed like a 40 year old woman.
THESE SHOULDER PADS MAKE ME LOOK 25, TOPS
Lucy responds to A’Keiba’s complaints with, “I can see what she meant. Your outfit is a little, like, business.” I think she meant to be helpful, but it clearly sounded bitchy.
AND MY OUTFIT’S A LITTLE, LIKE, CANDY WRAPPERS TAPED TO A T-SHIRT
I can’t stress this enough, MTV, but this show should be 100% backstage conflicts. It’s so much more interesting! Now that I’ve said that, again, it’s time to get on with the show.
KEEPING IT CASUAL
Chester Van Der Poof lines up all of the contestants to announce who’s eliminated. “We’re gonna settle this thing right now,” he says. By which he meant, “We’re actually going to reveal the loser at the very end of the show, you know, like we did last week, after faking everyone out one by one.” And then he gave his little leprechaun laugh. Heehehehe.
The first contestant to perform this round was Crosby Loggins. But CRAP, he isn’t going to be singing his dad’s “Danger Zone.”
Sigh. We were so close. Instead, he’s going to perform “I’m Alright,” otherwise known as “that song from Caddyshack.”
Crosby “updates” this hit song by making it sound a little more “edgy.” In reality, it just sort of sounded the same, but louder.
Also in an effort to seem cool, Crosby ditched his guitar and strutted around stage.
HOW YA LIKE ME NOW? FOOL!
The judges rewarded his tougher image with pretty good scores. A 7.5 from the always irrelevant Belinda Carlisle, but a perfect 10 from June, who commented, “I simply lust after you.” Ew, June. That’s just weird.
THAT GOPHER JUST LOVES THIS SONG
Moving on, it’s time for Jesse Snider to perform. He was in the “untouchable” seat after last week’s show, and therefore guaranteed to sing this week. What song of his dad’s would he sing? Duh! “We’re Not Gonna Take It” of course. But as his video intro reveals, he has plans for this song. He wants to try singing it as a ballad. His dad hates the idea. His mom hates the idea. And by the look of things, I’d say the house band isn’t really into it either.
I WENT TO JULIARD FOR THIS?
I SHOULD’VE TAKEN THAT MILEY CYRUS GIG
But whatever Baby wants, Baby gets. And so we find Jesse singing the Twisted Sister song while seated comfortably and dressed conservatively (read: not bare chested).
WE’RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO WE AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT! …WELL, OK, MAYBE WE WILL TAKE IT. BUT THIS IS THE LAST TIME. DO YOU HEAR ME?
But then after he gets through the first verse, Jesse grabs that acoustic guitar and smashes it on the stage. The music picks up speed and power, and suddenly we find that we’re back to the regular ol’ version. And of course, the clothes come off, revealing Jesse’s latest unfortunate leather accessories.
Ah, Jesse you prankster! You had us all fooled.
I’M GONNA NEED THAT JACKET BACK AFTER THE SHOW, BUT YOU CAN HANG ON TO IT FOR NOW.
The judges just loved him, and gave him a total of 37 points. And this means that unless someone beats his score, Jesse would be back on his thrown as untouchable for the second week in a row. But then Jesse takes the mike from Mr. Dilly Dimples and proclaims, “Honestly, this show is about what America likes, and not about what the judges like, and I’d rather not be untouchable this week. Because I don’t want to be here unless America wants me here.” Oh, how very pious of you, Jesse.
Too bad the People In Charge wouldn’t have it, and made Jesse take the untouchable spot anyway.
Next up is the charmingly insane Chloe Lattanzi. Champy Toddlesworth brings Chloe forward from the line of contestants and laments, “Last week you narrowly avoided elimination.” Ok, I take issue with this. The only reason she was one of the final two contestants standing on stage was because of the order they were announced to perform. For all we know, Chloe got the most votes out of everyone. So pay no attention to him, dear Chloe. Sing your song!
I couldn’t really guess which of mom Olivia Newton John’s songs Chloe would select, but I was sure that if she picked “Let’s Get Physical” my head would explode. (Too. Much. Crazy. Can’t take it. Need. Air.)
Instead, she decided to sing the sappy, forgettable tune, “I Honestly Love You.” But fear not, for Chloe has decided to but her own “twisted” spin on the number.
During rehearsals, I was more than a little worried how this would turn out.
I’M HONESTLY CONCERNED
Bending into a kind of squatting move, her lips nearly enveloping the microphone, Chloe was singing in a manner reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe’s iconic “Happy Birthday Mr. President,” as sung by a heartbroken drag queen.
But when she actually took to the stage, I was pleasantly surprised. True to her word, she fussed with the song and turned it into a dark, intriguingly desperate love song. Way to go, Chlo! Looks like you’re good at something besides being crazy! Woo woo!
CHLOE! BEHIND YOU! LOOK OUT!
And it looks like the judges are hopping on the crazy train too! Everyone gave her higher scores than last week, and Larry Rudolph said that despite his giving her a 7.5, he really saw her improving.
Lara Johnston is our next kid up. She’s selected “Long Train Runnin,” a hit song from her dad’s band, The Doobie Brothers.
Her mission this week was to prove to the judges that she does have stage presence and charisma. Her toughest critic has been judge Jamie, who she calls a “booger” in this week’s episode. Well, she’ll show him. Oxymoronically, she’s enlisted the help of a choreographer to teach her how to be a natural on stage.
5,6,7,8. AND LEFT. AND RIGHT. AND WALK FORWARD NORMALLY. THAT’S IT. YOU GOT IT!
With Dad playing guitar, Lara sang her little heart out. It was a performance that had viewers across the nation saying, “Oooohhhh. So that’s what The Doobie Brothers sang.”
Apparently her choreographer also misinformed her that the best way to look calm and cool is by spending the entire song giving uninvited high-fives to the audience members. Oh, well.
THEY MAKE A CUTE COUPLE, NO?
Her scores ranged from 7-8.5. June basically said that Lara’s hair looked lame. I see her point. And of course, Jamie gave her a low score because she called him a booger. Lara, didn’t your dad ever teach you about karma?
YOU HURT MY FEELINGS
Lil B. Sure is up next and he’s selected to sing dad Al B. Sure’s sexy hit song, “Nite and Day” because, well, he didn’t ever sing any other songs. Did he? Whatever. He didn’t need to. This song rules.
As they rehearsed all week, Lil B. really wanted to give the song a hip-hop feel. But Al B. just kept shooting him down. He was like, “Nope. This song is perfect. I wouldn’t have sang it in the first place if it wasn’t. So…deal.”
SHOW THE SONG SOME RESPECT. THE SUCCESS OF “NITE AND DAY” WILL KEEP YOU AND ME OUTFITTED IN COOL SUNGLASSES FOR LIFE, SON.
So Lil B. sang it dad’s way. And he is kind of a bad singer. Don’t get me wrong, he’s kind of good too. I guess.
One thing’s for sure, he loves grinding his way across the stage.
MY CROTCH HAS A DATE WITH YOUR FACE. STARTING RIGHT….NOW!
Points for his 1986 sunglasses. Oh! And points because, as I said, this song rules.
I’ll also give you points for wearing father/son matching denim jackets.
GOD DAMN I LOVE THIS SONG
But who cares how many points I’d award you. What really matters are the judges scores…
…which SUCKED. Sorry, Lil B.
Moving on, we’ve got Bobby Brown’s boy, Landon.
Apparently there was a bit of a clash between Bobby and Landon when it came to the song selection. Landon wanted to sing the hit “My Prerogative.” But Bobby was feeling a bit territorial and argued, “That is my signature song. I still perform that song.”
THIS SHIRT KEEPS ME COOL IN THE SUMMER HEAT. AND IT MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
But then Landon ended up performing “My Prerogative” anyway. Which means that sometime the following conversation must have taken place.
Landon: Dad, you HAVE to let me sing that song.
Bobby: I don’t have to do anything. I’m Bobby Brown.
Landon: You let Britney Spears do a cover of it.
Bobby: Son, you know I was high all the time back then. I read her email wrong. I thought she was talking about my perogies.
Bobby: I love perogies. Mmm. Go get me some perogies, son. Potato and cheese ones.
Landon: Does this mean it’s ok if I sing it?
Bobby: Whatever. I’m hungry.
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS IT?!
At any rate, Landon did a horrible job with his dad’s prized masterpiece. He looked sad and uncomfortable the whole time. And his voice is awful.
Ok Landon, go put some clothes on.
And then there were two. Some how former leader Lucy Walsh is in the disastrous duo.
I HATE YOU. YEAH, WELL I HATE YOU TOO. YEAH, WELL I HATED YOU FIRST.
I wasn’t sure how to feel about this. If Lucy went home, the show would be down to like 1 talented singer–Jesse. (As lame as his outfits may be, he puts on a good show.) But if A’Keiba went home, we would never find out what Hammer song she was going to bust out with. And what if Hammer was going to dance back up!?
Sadly, we’ll never know. For it was in fact A’Keiba who was voted off. Too bad you were so boring.
Lucy is singing Eagles hit “Life in the Fast Lane.” After being criticized last week for choosing ballads two weeks in a row, she clearly wanted to prove she could sing uptempo songs too. And this song…well this one even has FAST in the title. Smart thinking, Luce.
GROWING UP, I IDOLIZED MY DAD. AND KELLY BUNDY.
It turns out, however, that Lucy can’t sing this kind of song. It was almost like she had trouble keeping up with the beat. And also struggled with walking while singing. I don’t know, maybe it’s harder than you think it is?
I’LL BE DOWN THERE BY VERSE TWO, DON’T WORRY
Lucy started at the top of the stairs AGAIN this week and proved my new theory: Stairs=bad scores. It happened to both her and Landon last week. And this week, the judges were unimpressed as well. They all dished out 7.5s except for Jamie, this week’s sour puss, who gave her a 6. I guess he’s really bent out of shape about the booger comment.
Don’t be so snotty, Jamie. HA!
Next week the TWO contestants with the lowest number of votes will be send home. Hmmm, seems like MTV is suddenly trying to rush this show off the air. Are the programming execs as bored as we are?