Rock the Cradle: Everyone Loves A Trainwreck

In just 5 short weeks, we’ve made it to the semi finals on Rock The Cradle. I’ve gotta say, I like this speedy, kick ‘em off two at a time approach. This week, we’ll trim the fat yet again and get down to the final 3 contestants.

Now, a few weeks ago, when the show went from 9 to 7 contestants, the running time went from 90 minutes to 60 minutes. If we continue to follow that pattern, then this week’s episode should be an easy 15 minutes. Right?

Wrong! A 15 minute show would be preposterous. And so instead we get 15 minutes of entertainment, and 45 minutes of filler. Hooray! Another item on my very short list of “Things I Actually Like About Rock The Cradle” is the ever-changing show format. Sometimes host Byron Slaptank will eliminate contestants right at the end of the show, and sometimes he’ll do it at the beginning. Sometimes he drags out the pre-elimination spiel for five minutes, and sometimes he gets to the point. Sometimes they send home one contestant, and sometimes they send home two. And this week, they are letting all of the contestants sing one song before they cut 2 from the roster and then force them to sing yet again.

Yes! This week we get to watch the performances of 2 lame ducks. 2 lame ducks who think they still stand a chance in hell. 2 lame ducks who have no idea that in the latter half of the show they will be kicked to the curb. I am so painfully embarassed for all of them.

Just look at this sorry lot.

HAS-BEENS IN TRAINING

Before getting to the performances, we must get our dose of backstage drama. This week, the big fight took place between Crosby “Nice Guy” Loggins and Jesse Blaze “I Already Have A Ridiculous Middle Name” Snider.

I guess this wasn’t so much a big fight as it was a few passive aggressive comments spoken quietly in between sips of water.

First, Crosby, who sat safely in the untouchable seat at the conclusion of the show, says to his rivals “I’m sorry you’re all so bummed out.”

WE’VE CREATED A MONSTER

And then goes on to congratulate himself for winning the untouchable seat for the last vote before the finals. Brilliant “strategy,” Croz.

To this unCrosbylike fit of gloating, Jesse responds with, “That’s…awesome.” And then goes on to explain in his interview, “It’s kind of like he’s cheating.” Interesting point of view. I would argue that it’s kind of like he just followed the rules put in place by the show’s producers, but let’s just agree to disagree.

WINNING IS FOR LOSERS ANYWAY

So this week, the judges selected two songs for each of the contestants to perform. Apparently, the judges weren’t satisfied with watching the contestants mess up their own choices, their parents’ choices, and their parents’ songs. Now they needed proof that the contestants could truly fail everyone involved with the show.

Before getting to the point, we’ve got 30 minutes of unnecessary programming to get through. Contestants: time for all of you to give us song #1.

First up we have Crosby Loggins. Continuing their futile efforts to infuse this gentlemanly robot with a funky personality and an engaging stage presence, the judges have selected Weezer’s “Beverly Hills.” Crosby is a little apprehensive about this song choice. After all, he is a man of integrity and severity.

WILL THERE BE LAUGHTER? AND DANCING? I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS.

But Croz is in it to win it. And so he plays along.

His formula for a spontaneous performance?

2 PARTS UNCHOREOGRAPHED BACKUP SKANKS

+ 1 PART MAKING SILLY FACES

After his performance, host Frankie Potpots decides to waste more of our time, and asks the judges for their opinions, even though they don’t score this round of songs.

As usual, they overlook his dull moves and his ordinary voice, and tell him he is awesome awesome awesome. Oh, and Jamie is back this week, after taking last week off to, apparently, have breast implants.

I STUCK WITH A SMALL B. I DIDN’T WANT THEM TO BE TOO OBVIOUS.

Next we have Jesse Blaze Snider.

In his meeting with judge Larry, he expressed his anger over judge Belinda Carlisle’s comment, “I know you’re much more capable than coming off as fake punk.” Jesse remarks, “Someone from the Go-Gos called me fake punk? That’s like Adolf Hitler calling someone else a nazi.”

I THINK HE CALLED A LOT OF PEOPLE NAZIS. THAT WAS SORT OF THE WHOLE POINT.

Jesse will first be singing the Jet song, “Are You Gonna Be My Girl?”

“The challenge,” says judge Larry, “will be for you to make it your own.”

I ALSO CHALLENGE YOU TO KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON FOR ONCE.

Always the crowd pleaser, Jesse and his newly dyed tips put on a lively show. (Crosby, I hope you were taking notes.)

TAKE THAT, NAZIS

As much as this guy gets on my nerves, I’ve gotta admit he stands out from the rest and is my current favorite.

He’s even managing to win over his new enemy, Belinda, who gives him a serious talking to following his performance. “First I’m going to talk about your performance and then I’m going to talk about you.”

AND THEN I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT ME AND THEN I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT US.

Giving him a wildly unnecessary ego boost, Belinda assures him he’s got the looks and the moves to be a true rock star. But then criticizes his bad ass ‘tude, telling him “You can dish it out but you can’t take it.” And, “I think I know what I’m talking about, I’ve been making music for 30 years.”

SO, THAT MAKES YOU WHAT, LIKE 50? DUDE, YOU’RE OLD.

Now it’s time for everyone’s favorite kid sister, lil’ Lara Doobie.

I MEAN, I THINK I’M READY FOR A TRAINING BRA, BUT MOM SAYS I’M KIDDING MYSELF.

Last week, stylist/judge June Ambrose took Lara aside and told her that, basically, she needed to quit dressing like an old hag. She walked her through the basics of “young and fun and hip.”

June: Try wearing a t-shirt that says “Rock n Roll” on it. And pair it with some funky heels!
Lara: Yeah, ok. What’s your take on high-wasted jeans?

But June is still not satisfied, and so this week, she went for round two with Lara. And this time, she’s pissed.

TRY TO KEEP YOUR LEGS COVERED, AND DON’T FIDGET WITH YOUR DRESS WHILE YOU’RE SINGING. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T GIVE YOURSELF A HOME PERM.

And so with June’s advice still echoing in her head, Lara takes to the stage to sing Fergie’s “Big Girls Don’t Cry.”

JUNE, I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HOME PERMS, BUT MY FRIEND JENNY WAS SLEEPING OVER AND, WELL, I THINK IT LOOKS SEXY.

For once, her song wasn’t a huge disaster. There were a few lyrics that she mushed into a forced low coo, but mostly she did a good job.

Her outfit, on the other hand, missed the mark. Lara, I give up.

STUPID PANTS

Next up we have Lucy Walsh. This week, her dad Joe Walsh makes a rare appearance. Having realized that Lucy wasn’t going to embarrass him on national television, he decided to come back from his imaginary tour and lend his support.

“MAYBE AFTER THIS WE CAN GO OUT FOR ICE CREAM.” “DON’T PUSH IT, LUCY.”

The judges want to see more of Lucy sitting at the piano, so this week they’re having her sing “My Immortal” by Evanescence.

LOOK, IT WAS REALLY HUMID TODAY.

Her hair seems to be suffering the same fate as lil’ Lara’s. But her performance was as outstanding as ever. Ok, her sweetly nerdy voice didn’t quite suit this haunting ballad, but I’ll take what I can get in this suckfest.

And the judges apparently agree with me. Judge Larry said if he were scoring this performance, he’d give her an 11.

Oh rats, if only this wasn’t a pointless exercise, Lucy.

Last but not least, it’s time for resident loony Chloe Lattanzi.

Judge Larry wants to get Chloe out of her dark place by having her sing the song “Toxic” by his creation, Britney Spears. And Chloe just couldn’t be more delighted to give it a shot.

NOW NO ONE WILL TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

“I feel physically sick. I’m doing a Britney Spears song.” Yeah, Chloe, I see your point. But you can do it!

To put her mind at ease, Chloe pays a visit to her dad Matt. Who lives in a teepee. No, really. See?

THE DELUXE MODEL COMES WITH A DECK.

Safe within the teepee, Chloe and her dad can jam out to his didjereedoo stylings. (“Playing didj,” she calls it.) Chloe takes vocals, singing “I feeeeel you. I feeel you.” Wow, Larry, you gotta get in here. They’re bustin out some potential hits!

MAYBE LATER WE CAN TALK TO THE SPIRIT FOX AND MAKE UP A DANCE ABOUT THE SUNSHINE.

Talking about her experience on the show, Chloe laments, “It’s amazingly strength building, but it’s not fun.”

To which her dad responds, “Well. That’s why I live in a teepee.” I suspect Dad offers this nonsensical phrase as an answer to everything.

“Some weather we’ve been having”
Well. That’s why I live in a teepee.

“My wife left me last week.”
Well. That’s why I live in a teepee.

“Is that for here or to go?”
Well. That’s why I live in a teepee.

I guess all that teepee time did her some good because she shut up and gave the song her best shot. I was a little worried when she started out her performance on the stairs, since I’ve proven time and again that stairs=bad scores. But then I remembered that the judges weren’t scoring this round.

SEE, CHLOE, THERE’S STILL A BIG WEIRD SKULL THING UP THERE. YOU SHOULD FEEL NICE AND COMFEY.

Chloe did an ok job with the song. That is to say, she sang it as well as Britney sang it. For whatever it’s worth.

She did a lot of hip swivels and sex faces. It was a little disturbing. But not nearly as disturbing as her prop: some guy tied up and gagged. She pulled his hair and pushed his head around in circles. I was a little worried she might break his neck.

I’D HAVE TAKEN THIS JOB EVEN IF THEY DIDN’T PAY ME. I LOVE THE ABUSE.

Well, now that we’ve gotten all of that crap out of the way, let’s send some contestants home. Shall we?

Alright, Ricky Duwop, who’s being let go?

AFTER THIS, I’M BACK TO LIVING WITH MY MOM. SO I’M GONNA MAKE THIS LAST AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

But instead of giving us some freakin payoff, we have to watch the second performance from untouchable Crosby Loggins.

Ugh, FINE, let’s get on with it then.

Wait, first we have to check in with dad Kenny. FINE. But make it quick.

So Kenny gives this little blahblah about how all five of the contestants in tonight’s show demonstrated phenomenal growth in their abilities.

WELL, NOW WE SEE WHERE CROSBY GETS HIS EXHAUSTING NICENESS.

Ok, can we get to the performance already?

Per the judges’ decree, Crosby is singing The Fray’s “Over My Head.”

I CAN PLAY THE PIANO TOO. BITE ME, LUCY GOOSEY.

I’ve said it before. I’m not into Crosby’s voice. And there was this point in the first few seconds of the song where I thought he was just making noises to cover up that he’d forgotten the words.

But as usual, the judges just LOVE him. And for the first actual score of the night, he gets a 38.

And his biggest fan, the creepy June, continues to profess her undying affection. “I’ve loved you from the moment I first saw you. There’s a fire and it continues to burn.”

AND IT BURNS IN MY LADY PARTS.

Alright, Jimmy Jumpers, can we PLEASE eliminate someone now?

Yes we can. And lil’ Lara Doobie is going home.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES. BFF’S 4-EVER! YOU GUYS ROCK!

Before sending her off, we check in with the judges for some final words of wisdom. And Jaime brings up, yet again, the fact that Lara called him a booger 2 weeks ago.

GET OVER IT, PINKERTON.

I can’t say that I’m surprised. But I am a little shocked that Chloe has made it to the final 3. I guess you can never underestimate the love that America has for a good trainwreck. Way to crazy your way into our hearts, Chlo!

I LEFT MY LUCKY ROCK IN THE TEEPEE. I’M SO EFFED.

For her second song, she’ll be singing Sheryl Crow’s “The First Cut Is the Deepest.”

Last week, the judges criticized Chloe for always insisting on sitting on the floor during her performances. So this week, I guess her solution to this problem was to sit instead on a giant throne.

ODDLY ENOUGH, I BROUGHT THIS IN FROM HOME

The judges gave her a total of 32 points and seemed pleased that she offered her most normal, melodic performance yet.

And then we’re down to the final two…and they are quite the surprising pair. Everyone predicted the final three would be Crosby, Jesse, and Lucy. But now it appears one of the favorites is headed home.

YOUR BELLY BUTTON LOOKS NICE TONIGHT. SO DOES YOURS.

And big surprise- it’s Lucy! Ah well, you were talented and cool, but that’s no match for Chloe’s lovable insanity.

Lucy yells out her last words. “To my fans, I’ll see you at my concerts…and if you were going to vote for me, vote for Jesse Blaze Snider instead!”

I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL, CROSBY LOGGINS

Right after pledging her loyalty to Jesse, she walks off the stage and up to Crosby, who let’s out a barely audible “ouch.”

Awkward.

JUST HUG ME OR PEOPLE WILL KNOW YOU’RE NOT REALLY NICE

We end the night with yet another high energy performance by Jesse Blaze, featuring not one, but TWO back flips. Also, after spending the whole season wearing one pathetic excuse for a shirt after another, Jesse finally makes the leap into total toplessness.

AND I FEEL SO FREE!

After receiving his near perfect score and praise from the judges, host Lolly Lloyd asks Jesse, “Why should America vote for you?”

Jesse’s response?

“I’m doing this for big rock and roll. So if you want big rock and roll to come back, this is step 1.”

STEP 2 IS TO REDUCE THE HEAT AND SIMMER FOR 8-10 MINUTES.

Next week- the finals!