And The Wind Cries Zayra…

This is gonna be the American Idol Rock Star: Supernova episode that everyone talks about. For anyone who hasn’t seen or heard the results, steer clear of all media. People will be talking. People will be arguing. People will be pontificating. Take your spot at the water cooler early because it’ll be the hottest spot this morning.

Okay, I need to simmer down. I’m acting like a publicist for Fox CBS. Truth is, tonight’s episode was a classic Idol Supernova shocker. The kind that you hate to see, but you love to think back on. The kind you’ll tell your children’s children about when they ask what it was like to live in such exciting times. You’ll pat their barcoded little heads and tell them it wasn’t bad. They’ll look back at you, all wide-eyed and innocent, and laugh at you for pooping your pants again. And here I thought that was just the stench of Supernova’s crappiest decision ever. For those of you keeping score at home, yes I admit I totally stole a good portion of that opening from B-Side’s AI recap from the night Chris Daughtry was eliminated. And not because I’m too lazy to come up with my own opening paragraph. (Although I’d be lying if I said that didn’t have at least a little to do with it.) Actually, however, it’s because I am speechless over the results of tonight’s elimination episode. Seriously. I am without speech.

Nothing a beer or six won’t take care of, though.

Brooke welcomes us to the elimination episode with another lame segue: “Last night we lost the electric guitars and stripped things down for eight amazing performances. Well tonight, we are losing another rocker.” At least she didn’t transition into TheDave stripping down for an amazing performance of his own. Because as we all know, that kind of talk can only lead to one thing.

“I’m squishing your head!”

Brooke says they have a huge surprise for us tonight. If only she’d said surprises, then I’d have an excuse to show these again. Of course, she can’t tell us what the surprise is this early in the show, so instead she introduces us to the “musical masterminds who are Supernova.” I guess she’s talking about Gilby, Jason and, since it’s Wednesday night, Tommy “The Hatchet Man” Hawk. She says Tommy has promised to keep his clothes on for tonight’s show, so maybe it’s safe to eat dinner during my recap after all.

It’s time for our weekly look back at what happened on the show last night, and, more important, the mansionanigans that took place after the show. Talking about her performance of “I Will Survive”, Storm says she took her song seriously vocally, but didn’t really take the song seriously. Wow, I never would’ve guessed that. Later, Lukas, Ryan and Magni are discussing whether or not Storm will be in the bottom three. Survey says… Yes!

“I can’t believe I ate the whole thing.”

Upstairs, Storm is checking out her performance on her Verizon V-Cast phone. While Dilana laughs about it, Storm seems proud of her performance. Which just proves how shitty the service on Verizon V-Cast must be.

Back to live action… TheDave says the audience loved Storm’s performance, but he and the band panned it. And he stands by his remarks. Storm says she gave the song 1000% percent. “Because even though it might not be (her) favorite song, it’s someone’s favorite song.” And that’s why she gives every song 1000%. I guess the fact that she gave the song a mathematically impossible number explains why she sucked so impossibly bad last night. She ends by saying she thinks she did her best with the time she had, and the material she had. Which might be more convincing had the rest of the rockers not had the same amount of time as she did. Some even had less, because they obviously spent more time on hair and makeup than she did. (LUKAS!)

Stormin’ Mormon.

TheDave thinks she sang the song well, but he was missing the sense of irony he thinks the song needed. Other things he was missing: the soft caress of his young Laotian houseboy.

Toby is next on the hot seat. TheDave says that people like to see him naked, and wonders what he’ll be willing to do next week to get the best song. Toby says he’ll run down Melrose Avenue, which just shows how little Toby knows about America, because nobody’s going to pay any attention to another naked man running down Melrose Avenue.

It’s time for the surprise! One of the lucky rockers will get to play an original Supernova song with the original members of Supernova tonight! Yay! T-Hawk says that they’re not even close to picking a winner yet, but someone has to be the first to play with the band, and that someone is…

Psyche! You don’t really think T-Grease is gonna say who it is without making us sit through some footage of the rockers auditioning for Supernova in the studio, do you? In your face, Charlie Murphy!

Back in da club, Gilby says that while nobody thinks a woman can front their band, they think differently. Not only do they think a woman can front their band, they think a zombie woman can front their band. That means Dilana gets the first shot at singing a Supernova song. Providing she can pull herself away from her bag of deep fried fetuses, of course. (Or is it fetii? I can never keep those straight.)

Anyway, the song is pretty standard issue rawknroll. It reminds me a lot of “Nothin’ But a Good Time” by Poison. Certainly not what I expected from the man who used to play bass with Metallica and Voivod. (I’m talking about you, JASON!)

For No Mere Mortal Can Resist The Evil Of The Thriller.

The hoochie dancers and Dilana’s choreography were… interesting. Who knew that a sack of rotting tendons could still move like that?

And was anyone else surprised that Gilby didn’t seem the least bit upset about the girls grinding on each other during his performance? I guess grinding is good, as long as it’s not Gilby’s leg that’s getting grinded. I sure hope he doesn’t own a dog.

After the break, the band says that while Dilana got to perform with them tonight, each week a different rocker will get to play with them onstage. And, if they’re lucky, backstage as well. Providing they haven’t been cut, of course. Which, after a quick encore from Ryan, brings us to the real purpose of tonight’s episode: eliminations.

At the end of last night’s show, Zayra, Patrice and Toby were in the bottom three. Brooke says there was another massive worldwide vote last night, but she doesn’t give any numbers, so it must be less than the week before. This can’t be good for Zayra. As the votes continued to come in, Magni and Storm also spent some time in the bottom.

TheDave is surprised to see Magni in the bottom. He doesn’t think Storm should be there either. Which is a little disingenuous, considering he said last night he hated her performance. See, Mr. Navarro, words can hurt. CBS cares.

The first person in the real bottom three is Zayra. I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised to see her here. After all, she did sing a song called “Cooter Laser of Love” last night. Right as Gilby starts to talk, the video signal cuts to a newsbreak about Pluto. Considering TheDave said Zayra would win Rock Star: Planet Pluto last week, I’m starting to think maybe someone at CBS is having a little fun at my chica’s expense. But when Bob Schieffer starts talking about JonBenet’s killer, I get worried that maybe my little chica is also even locoier than I thought.

Anyway, the show’s back to normal now, and Zayra says she’s going to save her ass by singing “Razorblade” by Blue October. It’s a “very serious and intense song,” she says, and she’s going to give it “hell out of me.” It’s times like this that I really miss Vinci!

I see London, I see France…

The song is horrible. I’m not sure, but I think it’s about cutting oneself after being molested by a priest. In which case, Zayra is sure to get doubleplusgood bonus points from TheDave. And Zayra totally rocks it! There isn’t a limb, digit or orifice on this girl’s body that doesn’t shoot at least one laser. Surely she can’t go home after that display of vaginal pyrotechnics.

“We are so safe.”

Next in the bottom three is Patrice. Again, I’m not surprised. Patrice will be singing “Celebrity Skin” by Hole. That’s a strong strategical move on Patrice’s part. While Zayra only sang about cutting herself, Patrice is singing a song written by someone who no doubt does. Unfortunately, it’s a typical Patrice performance, by which I mean it’s the sort of cover you’d expect to hear on one of those “Sunny” stations that always seems to be playing in the background while you’re getting your teeth cleaned.

Our final rocker in the bottom three is Storm Magni. Really. Toby and Storm can’t believe Storm isn’t there either. Magni is going to sing “Creep” by Radiohead, because, as he says, “it’s the anthem of my generation, basically. It’s our ‘Satisfaction’ or something. I don’t know.” Way to sell your conviction, Magni. Personally, I think he picked it because of the lyrics: “What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here…” which he sings directly to Patrice and Zayra over on Loser Row.

“How you doin’?”

Anyway, he does a good job of it. Certainly better than Lukas of the Shire did a few weeks back. And you can tell he’s super-serious because he holds the mic with both hands, falls on his back and throws his hat at the band. Although not at the same time. That’s something only someone of Zayra’s considerable talents could pull off.

After the break, it’s reaping time. Gilby tells Zayra that right after ‘tard, one of their favorite four-letter words is risk. And she took a huge risk doing her original song last night, then she took another risk tonight doing a song they’d never even heard of before. Then he giggles. ‘Tard!

Next, he tells Patrice that while they enjoyed her performances, the voters keep putting her in the bottom three and they need to take that into consideration. As for Magni, they thought he was great last night, they thought he was great tonight, and he is so far from going home tonight he needs to go sit his ass back over with the other rockers. And at that, he turns it over to the Tommy Hawk.

First, T-Bag tells Patrice that they believe she has potential for Supernova. This is followed by a dramatic pause, at which point I’m sure Zayra is safe yet again. And then, he blurts out the unthinkable: ZAYRA GOES HOME!

What?

Huh?

Just like that, it’s over. And I find myself adrift, rudderless in a sea of Supernova wannabes. Who am I going to root for now? None of the remaining rockers can hold a candle to Zayra’s hand laser, let alone the one which shone so brightly from her cooter…

Zo what do you think? Why did Zayra lose? And who do you think will win? Are you happy that Zayra is gone? Zad? Are any of the remaining zeven true Idol Zupernova material?