Call Me Crazy

Quick question: after three weeks of Rock Star: Supernova how many of you thought a chick from South Africa would be the frontrunner for Tommy Lee’s new band? Yeah, me neither. Even more surprising, though, is getting to meet a Puerto Rican chica who shoots lasers from her hands. And, evidently, her vagina.

I can only imagine what Dr. Evil would do with such a killing machine… Anyway, I don’t know if it’s because of the weather (yes, we’re having storms again) or my TiVo is throwing a hissy fit about having to watch this show twice a week, but for some reason, the sound is really off tonight. Ironically, I like it better this way. Especially when Zayra “performs.”

Hey, does anyone know if Brooke is pregnant? Because I don’t know how else to explain her outfit. It makes her boobs look droopy and her belly quite large. It’s almost as if she’s trying to hide a protruding starving African belly. Or maybe she’s hiding an actual starving African. Enquiring minds want to know!

For only five pennies a day, you can feed a TV host.

Brooke introduces the 12 remaining rockers, saying they’re “sitting together like they’re crammed into coach class.” Since when has Brooke ever flown coach? She then follows up with, “But only one of the rockers will be hitching a ride in a private jet with Supernova.” Oh, I get it. Airplane humor. Okay, I got one. Ready? Northwest.

After a quick introduction of the band, it’s time for the closest thing to a catchphrase Brooke has (apart from calling everyone a “rocker,” that is): introducing her “good friend,” TheDave. Wait a minute, she didn’t introduce him as her “good friend”! I bet she’s just sore because TheDave said her outfit was so ugly even he wouldn’t wear it. Okay, he didn’t really say that. Because as we all know, there isn’t a woman’s outfit ugly enough that TheDave wouldn’t wear.

Last week, Jason played bass with Phil. This week, Gilby is going to jam on lead guitar with one of the rockers. Who will it be? You’ll just have to watch and find out. Please let it be Zayra! Please let it be Zayra!

As we all know, Supernova has been in the studio working on their “sound.” Earlier in the week, they took a break and visited the mansion to play some tracks for the contestants. Much bobbing of heads, snapping of fingers and clapping of hands ensues. And that’s just for Jason’s a cappella version of Frera Jaqua! Eh, if only he’d actually sung Frera Jaqua. Because truth be told, the tracks they played kinda sucked. Maybe the band should pick Zayra. At least having someone on stage shooting lasers out of her hands would take the attention off their music.

Evidently, I’m alone in my dislike, because the rockers all seem to love what they’re hearing. I know, what are the odds? General consensus seems to be it sounds like top-down, cold beer, good times, classic rock and roll. Or, as I like to call it, Journey.

Guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Okay, it’s not that bad. But I don’t think it’s something I’ll be downloading off of iTunes anytime soon. Primarily because my iPod broke yet again. Thanks a lot, STEVE JOBS. I bet if we shaved his head, we’d find a tiny 666 tattooed on his scalp. Growing up, I always thought the Antichrist would be cool. But Steve Jobs is just a dick!

Anyway, the contestants all say they get what the band’s all about now, and can’t wait to put some words to the tracks. Come on, you can’t tell me singing something to that is going to be more fun than covering “Sanitarium”. Pussies.

Back in the club, Gilby tells the contestants it was great to hang out with them the other night, but now that they know the type of music the band will be playing, there’s no more excuses for sucking. Unless your name is Zayra, in which case that’s all the excuse you need.

“Enough about our music,” says T-Lee. It’s time to hear the contestants. “Let’s crank this up, bitch!” I love when Tommy hits the rockers with his patented pillow talk.

Double Plus Awesome!

First out of the gate is the Shire’s own Lukaswise Gamgee. Tonight, he’ll be singing “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Rolling Stones The Verve. I wonder if The Stones will sue him now for copyright infringement? It’s typical Lukas. All growly posing and no enunciation. In terms of clarity, his guy’s delivery makes Bob Dylan sound like William F. Buckley. TheDave really likes it though; in fact, he says Lukas was “awesome” twice! T-Lee says it’s exactly how he’d have done the song. Except he’d have sung it whilst playing jump rope with his schlong. Of course, his schlong is taller than Lukas, so I think he was just funning with our ‘lil munchkin.

Brooke says that Zayra has been flirting with the bottom three every week, but you “can’t help but admire the risks she takes with her music.” WTF? Brooke also says the spats Zayra has with Supernova every week are some of the most popular searches on MSN. Which just shows why Google continues to kick MSN’s ass.

Holy Husband, Batman! Can you believe what this chick is wearing? And I thought Brooke’s outfit was bad. It’s sort of like Barbarella meets Neil Armstrong meets Oderus Urungus from GWAR. Only less sexy. She’s covering “Call Me” by Blondie. I think. Although her performance is less Debbie Harry and more Marlee Matlin impersonating Kate Bush.

Words fail.

Gilby’s laughing. Jason’s laughing. I’m laughing. At this point, I bet even Zayra’s mom is laughing. I know mine would be.

TheDave says Zayra most definitely is not awesome. In fact, she’s even less awesome than one ex-Mrs. TheDave. His recommendation? Get started on a solo career right now. And get the hell off my stage, DONKEY!! Tommy says the last time he saw an outfit like that, he woke up with bite marks and boot marks all over him. But enough about prom…

Last week, Dana was almost eliminated. This week, she’s trying to avoid the bottom three with a cover of “About A Girl” by Nirvana. TheDave says she’s finally looking damaged enough to be a rock singer. Gilby can’t believe she’s the same girl from the first week. Her secret? She chugged a beer before she went on stage. And Jason applauds her for her love of the bottle. Didn’t he see Some Kind of Monster?

Patrice is singing “Remedy” by The Black Crowes. Which is the only song by The Black Crowes I like. I just wish they’d been singing it tonight instead of Patrice. It’s not that she’s bad, it’s just the same ol same ol from Patrice. And TheDave agrees, saying he’s growing bored with Patrice giving the same performance week after week. Patrice asks if TheDave does a lot of different things on stage. “The difference is, I have a job and I’m not auditioning,” he answers, proving once again that TheDave is not one to be trifled with. Gilby says they’re looking for someone more unpredictable, and that tonight is her warning. Considering he once played with Axl Rose and now with Tommy Lee, I think it’s safe to say Gilby knows from unpredictable.

Meanwhile, we learn that Toby has been beating himself up all week over last week’s sub-par performance. Tonight, he’s hoping to rebound with “White Wedding” by Billy Idol. I think he redeemed himself. And so does the band. In fact, Jason says it’s his best performance yet, which would mean more if someone from the band didn’t say it to every other contestant tonight.

After the break, it’s time for Magni from Iceland. Tonight, he’s covering “Heroes” by David Bowie. I think it’s a’ight, but Tommy Lee is not happy. He’d like to know why Magni strapped himself to a guitar while singing a song about being a hero just for one day. No, seriously, that’s what he said. Magni’s response? He thinks it’s one of the best songs ever written, and he didn’t want to put on blue spandex and run around while singing it. Ooh, MagniSnap! Gilby tells him there’s a right way to do that song and a wrong way, and Magni picked the wrong way. While I’m no fan of Magni’s, the band’s response to his performance tonight vexes me. I’m terribly vexed.

“Are you not entertained?!”

Last week, the band told Ryan he didn’t look like he was having any fun. This week, he hopes to up the fun quotient by singing “I Alone” by Live. Ugh. He just upped the nausea quotient, as this has to be one of the worst songs ever written. Although in all honesty, I’d love to see what Zayra would do with it. Maybe her head would explode during the chorus. Alas, there are no exploding heads tonight. Ryan even jumped up on the drums, then jumped back down. If that’s not fun, I don’t know what is. TheDave thinks it was Ryan’s best performance yet. But was it awesome?

Tonight Jill is singing “Brown Sugar” by The Rolling Stones. And she’s accompanied by Gilby on guitar. Things seem to be going pretty well, until Jill gets too close to Gilby that is, who hightails it over to the other side of the stage to get away from her gaping vagina. Evidently, Jill doesn’t know that “no means no”, however, and she runs after him and starts getting all up in the crack of his ass again.

“Get your cooch off me!”

TheDave says Jill really kicked it up a notch tonight. But how did Gilby think she did? Okay, until she started grinding on him. He just thought the grinding was too clichéd. This just in: Gilby is gay! Or maybe he just doesn’t like to be ground on by midgets. Actually, he says that too many women singers today rely on sex to get by. (I think he’s talking to you, STORM!) Jill has a great voice, and Gilby thinks she doesn’t need to fall back on sex: “It’s cheap, and it’s weak.” TheDave, on the other hand, thinks it’s a perception thing. Because if she were in his band, they’d be grinding all night long! Poor Gilby. When your sexuality is questioned by TheDave, you know you’re in trouble.

Phil is singing “One Headlight” by The Wallflowers. The name of the song sounds familiar, but the song itself, at least as performed by Phil, is unrecognizable. Man I wish he’d stop waggling his head like that. Judging by the band’s expression, they don’t know what to make of Phil’s performance either. Tommy says he likes the way Phil moves, but he doesn’t know if everyone could deal with it for a whole show. Phil says don’t blame him, blame his loose neck. Which sounds more like an excuse for giving a bad hummer than a bad performance.

Dilana is going to sing “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper. Really. And it’s another great performance by the great unwashed. TheDave dug it, saying he gets chills no matter what she does. Tommy thinks she is just enchanting. Jason gives her a standing o. I just wish someone would give her a good hosing down.

Josh was also in the bottom three last week, but saved his ass by actually rocking. This week? He’s back to his funky white boy shtick, performing “No Rain” by Blind Melon. I like Josh, and think he has a great voice, but every week it’s becoming more and more apparent that he’s just not right for this band. And the band agrees. Josh says he misses his soul side, and that he’s been trying to bury it the past few weeks to show the band some rock. But he’d appreciate it if they were more open-minded to the soul. Oh no he di’int! He tries to save himself by saying he also meant blues, because the band’s music has some definite blues elements, but it’s too little, too late. Josh, say hello to Elliot Yamin on your way out the door.

Storm is tonight’s last performer, and Brooke says she’s ready to crash our hard drives one more time. I guess she’s talking about this. Tonight, she’ll be singing “Anything Anything” by Dramarama. It’s by far Storm’s best performance yet. (God, now I sound just like the band.) Although she does seem to be having a little trouble with her skirt, as she has to keep pushing it down whenever the camera gets too close. Maybe she’s not wearing any underwear? No, Storm Large would never do something as risqué as that. She ends her performance by stage diving into the crowd. I wonder how many cheap feels the crowd got in before letting her go? The band loves it, as well they should. TheDave says there’s nothing sexier than seeing a hot chick dive headfirst into a crowd. Except maybe this…

And thus ends another week of auditions. Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three. This week, it’s Josh, Jill and Zayra. But will they stay in the bottom three? Or will the three faces of Zayra occupy all three spots? You’ll just have to tune in to the results show and see.