Calling Planet Dumbass

Just two episodes into Rock Star: Supernova and we’ve already learned a valuable lesson: do not ignore Dave Navarro. If he tells you to ugly it up, you best get your bitch-ass back in the kitchen and gag down a nice tall glass of ugly juice. Or you will never stand next to Brooke’s breastesses again. NEVER!

It’s only too bad that tonight’s loser didn’t listen to TheDave. He would’ve saved himself the embarrassment of losing to the only person who’s ever made me miss Sting. In case you’re new to the world of Rock Star, on the Results Show the bottom three vote-getters have to perform a song of their choice for the band, who’ll then confer and decide who is just not right for their band, INXS Supernova.

Right off the bat, I can’t help but notice that Tommy Lee is a lot more animated tonight. Or maybe it’s just the fact that I’m not blinded by Brooke’s dress that lets me notice it. Tommy tells the people who missed last night’s show that they suck, then tells us how important our opinions are to helping them shape the band. First he insults us, then he butters us up. I can’t believe he can’t stay married.

But before we get to the results, Brooke gives us a recap of the show that’s only on the Internets. (And no, I won’t be recapping that one. Two hours a week of Tommy Lee is all my parole board demands of me.)

Right off the bat, the rockers are amazed at their first taste of the rock star lifestyle. The guys are especially pleased with the complimentary plaster casters.

Soon enough it was time for song selection. Here’s how it works: The singers are given a group of songs the band wants to hear this week. However, the contestants have to decide amongst themselves who gets which song. Obviously, as we saw last night, song choice is really, really important, so if there’s one you want, you need to throw down. And by throw down, I don’t mean Rock-Paper-Scissors. If you’re not willing to thumb-wrestle for your favorite song, get the hell out TheDave’s mansion!!!

Back to live action. TheDave and the band ask the contestants about their performances last night. Right out of the gates, they ask Chris if he has any regrets about his version of “Roxanne.” “Not at all,” he says. He picked “Roxanne” because he wanted “a challenge,” which is right out of Interviewing For Dummies. I’m surprised he didn’t talk about how well he gets along with others and how the only thing that frustrates him is when other people don’t try as hard as he does. But, Dave seems to buy it. “Rock and roll is all about taking chances, dude.” And TheDave should know. For instance, there was that one time he didn’t describe a performance performance he liked as “awesome.” Yeah, that was scary…

Next to occupy the Supernova Hot Seat is Phil. He says he’s definitely going to be taking song choice more seriously from now on. It’s just that this first time everyone was getting to know each other and they weren’t ready to be cutthroat yet. “Not that I’m saying I’m going to punch anybody in the face,” he says. “Except for Lukas.” *Crickets chirping* Wow, I can’t understand why the band is worried about Phil’s stage presence.

Were you wondering what happened at the mansion last night after the show? Me neither, but we have to sit through it anyway. Chris is not feeling good about his performance: “For someone to tell you, after you’ve given 110% of everything you are, that you suck, is really disheartening.” Aw, baby want a wahburger to go with those French cries…? “Still, I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t one of the best singers in the world,” he says. And Jesus wept.

Lukas, who looks like a bobblehead, tries to stir up some trouble by asking people to name their bottom three, starting with Dana, his “beautiful Southern belle.” Of course, just because she’s southern doesn’t mean she’s stupid and she won’t answer. Neither will Matty, who throws the question back at Lukas. He won’t answer either. Hypocrite!! He does tell the group he did the best he could last night: “Fortunately, I was blessed with my voice and my talent.” And very weird (not to mention intermittent) accent. Before his head comes to a complete stop, Dilana gets in his face and demands an answer. “I’ll tell you the trute,” he says, which I think means “truth” in Canadian. “A lot of you fucking sucked. Okay?” He then gets up and dwarfwalks his way out of the room.

And now we’re back in the studio again. TheDave puts Lukas on the spot and asks to hear his bottom three. First is Chris (obviously). He also thinks Dana should be there because “she can’t handle a party with Supernova, let alone a world tour.” Trollboy has a point. He also thinks Jenny should be there. “But that’s just my opinion,” he explains. “Don’t let it sway your opinions, guys.” That gets a nice guffaw from the crowd. Like anyone in Superfrigginnova is going to take advice from Eddie Munster. Well, Jason might.

TheDave asks Jenny how it feels to be criticized by a fellow Canadian, eh? Jenny says them are fightin’ words, and she disagrees. “We’ll just see how the chips fall, where they fall,” she says. Okay….

Dana adds that Lukas gave her a really loaded question last night. “It was like, can you help me get the steak knife out of my heart…” Boy, rockers are dumb. Matt says he jumped on Lukas because he doesn’t like it “when someone asks you a question and you answer the question and then the person who asked the question won’t answer it. You know.” Except you didn’t answer it either, Matty.

Dilana gets the encore performance. I still can’t believe she can jump around like that and never miss a word. Afterward, Brooke tells her that just because the band wanted to see her again doesn’t mean she’s safe from the bottom three. “Nobody is safe from the bottom three!!!” she cackles before draining the blood of an albino squirrel.

Speaking of the bottom three, it’s finally time to see who they are. Brooke tells the contestants that when they went off the air last night, Magni, Phil and Chris were in the bottom. But that doesn’t mean they ended up there. Because over the course of the night, Zayra (yay!) Ryan and Matt also spent time at the bottom. And when voting finally ended, the final final bottom three were: Chris, Phil and Matt.

Okay, Chris and Phil I totally see. But Matt over Zayra? I’m calling shenanigans on that one. Hell, during the prep for my last colonoscopy, even my ass made better sounding noises than her singing.

Tonight, the singers get to pick the song themselves, which gives them a chance to recover from a bad song choice the night before. Like TheDave, the band and/or Brooke keep reminding us every few minutes, song choice is SUPERDUPERDUPERIMPORTANT.

Chris is up first. His song? “LA Woman” by The Doors. He says he picked this because it’s one of the songs that got him into rock and roll, because it’s about being yourself and not giving a damn what anyone thinks. Uhm, no it isn’t. Although after Chris’ performance I don’t give a damn whether he stays on the show or not, so I guess he’s half right.

Please love me.

Next up is Phil. Watching the recap, his performance was even worse than I remembered. Not as bad as Chris’, but still not good. To make up for it, he decides to do “Stars” by Switchfoot. Who? What? Tommy’s happy, though, as loves that band. Phil says when he looks for inspiration, he looks to Switchfoot. Maybe he should look again, because his performance both sucks and blows. I wish G-Ram would run across the stage and tell this stupid donkey to SHUT IT DOWN!! Although in the interest of bad puns, I’d have him yell “SWITCH IT OFF!!”

The final performer of the night is Matt. Last night he did an okay version of “Yellow,” but since that’s a really poppy song, tonight Jason says they want to hear him get uglier and really bring the heaviness. Matt’s choice? “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?” by Culture Club. Not really, but it was almost as bad. He’s going to perform “Planet Earth” by Duran Duran.

Jason tells Matt it’s an interesting choice. It’s not quite Supernova’s speed, but let’s see what ya got, kid. Right off the bat, you can tell the band isn’t digging it. Personally, I like what Matt does with the song. It’s a lot more guitar-heavy than the original version, and it’s light years ahead of Chris and Phil. Still, when Supernova tells you to bring the rock, and you bring this…

…you can’t be too surprised if they don’t like it. Which they don’t.

After his performance, the band gets together to make their decision. Before saying who they’re sending home, however, Jason reminds them one more time of how important song selection is. This can’t be good for Matt. “Next week, you need to pick a song and make it your own, no matter what it is,” Jason tells them. “Even if it’s a ballad. Whatever it is, make it your own and bring it to us.” Hey, maybe Matt’s going to make the cut after all. He definitely made the song his own.

“Ah, your kung-fu is strong, young one…”

First Gilby tells Chris they question his vocals. With Phil, they question his stage presence. And with Matt, they question his song choice. Gilby, didn’t you hear what Jason just said? He made it his own!

No matter, as Matt is the first one cut. Such is life in the world of rock and roll.

Before leaving, Matt thanks the guys for the opportunity, and says they’re still his heroes. He tells Tommy he’s a beautiful guy who’s just gotten a bad rap in the press. Now Matt’s just sucking up. Tommy Lee isn’t misunderstood. Dude steers his boat with his cock. Not a lot to misunderstand there…

Anyway, Matt says he doesn’t mind losing to the other singers, at which point Tommy interrupts him and says Matt didn’t lose, it’s just the wrong time. Ah, Tommy’s so nice…

So, what do you think of the band’s decision? I know Matt wasn’t going to win, but surely he’s better than Chris or Phil, isn’t he?