After six weeks, Rock Star: Supernova is finally starting to pick up some steam. The performances are getting better, the infighting’s getting meaner, and Leon’s getting larger. Still, it hasn’t quite reached “water cooler” levels yet. So what’s an unemployed Nebraska Cornhusker drummer to do if wants to drum up a little controversy for his show? (Get it? Drum up?) Well, he could release another sex tape. But really, how many people want to see Tommy Lee use his junk as a billiards cue? (Besides sg-dub, of course.) Or, he could steal a page from The Donald’s book and cut two people at once. Because cutting two people at once is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!
Besides, that’s just how T-Grease rolls.
Bitches. After introducing the band and TheDave, Brooke says the performances from last night’s show still give her goosebumps. Other things that give her goosebumps:
Of course, before we get to the eliminations, we get a look at some more mansionanigans. (I just made that up.) Gilby shows up riding a Harley, which isn’t clichéd at all. He says he has a present for the final ten rockers: mani/pedis! Ryan’s a little disappointed, as he’d just painted his nails black for his turn as the Raccoon King. But not nearly as disappointed as Dilana, who, after three centuries of experience, knows that no matter what she does to her nails, by morning they’ll have grown back to their natural hooked talon shape. Still, it could be worse: at least they’re not going tanning. Actually, they each get their own new Gibson guitar. Yawn. My idea would’ve been so much more fun.
The prodigal Gilby returns.
After a quick recap of last night’s performances, we get some footage of the rockers celebrating at the mansion. At first, they’re all happy-garden-party and I’m looking forward to Lukas breaking out the croquet set. But soon enough, the mood changes as Jill starts in on the other rockers for not trying harder to play with Gilby. Storm doesn’t agree that they should’ve fought for the song: “Never once have they ever said, ‘if we’re on the board, you better fight’.” Come on Storm, do they really have to spell it out that much? It’s kind of the point of the whole competition, isn’t it? The show isn’t called Rock Star: House Band.
Jill agrees with me, saying she doesn’t understand the other rockers’ reluctance. If they want to front Supernova, why wouldn’t they fight for a chance to play with them? Could it be because they’re all askeered? “It comes down to how serious you are about playing with this band,” she tells them. Oh, midget-snap! Storm says that Jill could’ve picked that song, too. But Jill reminds Storm that she already sang with Gilby. And by “sang”, of course, she means “humped.” Storm points out that Gilby hated Jill’s performance with him. And he still has the stained pants to prove it.
Storm says she didn’t play with Gilby because she wanted to sing “We Are The Champions.” Which of course is code for “I left my balls at home.” Which she did. You know, because her band’s name is “Storm and The Balls”…? Oh never mind.
“Maybe a dingo ate Storm’s balls…”
Later, Storm tells us she doesn’t feel pressure to get up there and prove she can play with Gilby. “I know I can do it,” she says. “And he knows I can do it. And if he doesn’t know I can do it, then he’s just going to have to take my word for it when I say that I can totally do it. Because I can, you know. Do it.”
Jill says that everyone is playing it safe every week. “No, we go for the best song we feel and connect with,” says Zayra. “Or the one that best matches my outfit.” Actually, Zayra says “if you go for a song just because one of the Supernova guys is playing on it, and it doesn’t suit your voice… You might as well just put the rope around your neck, you’re just hanging yourself.” I wish! Zayra performing autoerotic asphyxiation on national television would totally boost ratings. Among other things.
Look Ma, no storm warnings.
Back to live action… TheDave asks Storm how she knows that Gilby knows that she can play with them. “That’s actually a good question,” she says, which is the first intelligent thing to come out of her mouth all night. “Gilby knows my history, Gilby knows my background. And I would hope that he would feel comfortable with me on stage. I wouldn’t hump him. I’d probably break his back.” Well, so much for intelligent statements.
Gilby says it’s a question of chemistry. That’s why they need to see the rockers playing with Supernova, so they can feel the chemistry. Or, in the case of Jill, her labia. “What Dilana did last night was awesome,” he tells them. “It shows the guts that she has.” Now I’m confused. Is Gilby talking about Dilana’s performance or the collection of guts she keeps in a jar on her desk?
On the next Diva Duets…
Next, Gilby tells the contestants that last night was really special, so he has a special announcement to make: those rockers who make it through tonight are going to go with the band to Vegas right after the show. They’ll get on a private jet and head to The Joint at the Hard Rock Casino to check out the stage where they’ll be playing on New Year’s Eve. “And who knows what other kind of sick and demented things we’ll get into this evening,” adds Tommy. I’m not sure if he’s talking about Vegas or Dilana’s cooter.
Jason agrees that last night was one of the best nights yet. Everything was really up a notch or two, which made it really tough to decide who would get tonight’s encore. So they decided to do two encores. The first winner is Canada’s own Oompalukas (thanks Wink), for his cover of “Creep” by Radiohead. It’s pretty much the same performance as last night, except shorter. Which is really fitting, when you think about it.
The second encore goes to Magni. Last night he did an acoustic version of “The Dolphin’s Cry” by Live. Tonight, Jason says tonight they want it plugged in and “magni-fied.” I still hate this song, so I tried to fast-forward through it, but that just made Magni look like the lead singer for Midnight Oil, so I slowed it down and watched it. I was right the first time: this song sucks.
Finally, 23 minutes into the show, Brooke says it’s almost time to reveal the bottom three. But first she brags that the worldwide voting was up an amazing 22% over last week. It looks like changing the number to be 1-800-NAMBLA is really starting to pay off. I’m surprised TheDave isn’t calling right now.
At the end of last night’s episode, Jill, Zayra and Patrice were in the bottom three. As the voting went on, Josh and Ryan rounded out the final five, which shocks the crowd. But not TheDave. Because as we all know, nothing’s shocking to the former guitar player for Jane’s Addiction. Except that time he learned that Winona Ryder had been caught stealing. That was a little shocking.
The first name Brooke says is Zayra. Nooo! But then she tells Zayra to sit down, she’s not in the bottom three. Yay! Fire up the laser cooter boys, Zayra’s heading to Vegas. And as everyone knows, what happens in Vegas stays in Zayra.
Our first rocker in the real bottom three is Jill. No big surprise. What is a surprise is the song she’s going to sing to save herself: “Respect” by Aretha Franklin. Seriously. She says she picked this song because rock and roll is based on blues, and she just wants to “rock it out.” Other things she wants: a chance to “rock out” a guest shot on Little People, Big World.
Of course, Jill totally oversings it. To her credit, at least she spells R-E-S-P-E-C-T correctly. During the middle and toward the end of the song, she does some weird little Jazzercise routine which would be sad if it weren’t so damn funny.
Laughing at the misfortunes of others… It’s one of the things that makes being a TVgasm recapper so great.
The second rocker in the bottom three is Josh. Tommy says he’s beginning to get a complex, since the last two people he’s played with (Patrice and Josh) have both landed in the bottom three. But, that’s just how T-Grease rolls. Downhill.
“I got your tommyhawk right here.”
Last night Tommy said he thought playing the guitar hurt Josh’s performance. So of course Josh is going to play the guitar again tonight. He’s chosen to cover “Shooting Star” by Bad Company. It’s okay, but if anything it just proves that Josh isn’t the right singer for this band. Plus I think his hat is dumb.
Brooke comes back out on stage: “The third and final rocker in this week’s bottom three is Patrice… Or Ryan… And we’ll find out after the break.” Ryan looks totally pissed at Brooke’s feint. He hates it when someone goes all Seacrest on him.
Back from the break, it’s time to reveal the final member of the bottom three. It’s Ryan. Jason is a little surprised to see Ryan in the bottom three, and says he thinks people may be getting confused at the many faces of Ryan. Which is totally hypocritical, since they keep telling the rockers to change it up every week. Make up your mind, Jason! You want they should change it up, or you want they should stay the same? Because if’n they change it up, they can’t stay the same. And if’n they stay the same, they can’t change it up.
Anyway, if Jason was confused by Ryan before, wait till he hears what song Ryan’s chosen to sing tonight: “Enjoy The Silence” by Depeche Mode. Didn’t Ryan learn anything from Matt’s tragic Duran Duran cover in Week One? If Supernova tells you to crush it, they don’t mean this:
Still, Depeche Mode singer Dave Gahan once had a pretty nasty heroin habit, so maybe Ryan figures the band can relate to this song a little more.
Considering his source material, Ryan does a decent job. Good enough to spare himself from the dreaded Tommy Hawk. Not so lucky, however, are Josh and Jill. Gilby says that as far as Jill is concerned, she’s been in the bottom three three times, and they think maybe the voters are trying to tell them something. With Josh, they agree he has a great voice, but wonder if it will cut through the loud guitars. Uhm, they will if you just turn them down a little, Gilbs. Sheesh. They also question his decision to play his guitar again after their comments from last night.
Two for the choad.
At that, he turns it over to the Hatchet Man, who tells our two hopefuls the band couldn’t agree on which one to cut, so they’ve decided to do something unprecedented in this history of this season of Rock Star: Supernova: cut them both. And with one fell swoop of his mighty axe, the Hatchet Man eliminated two pieces of dead wood. Yay! That’s two fewer recaps I’ll have to write now!