Another week of Rock Star: Supernova, another round of unanswered questions. Will Lukas of the Shire finally master the intricacies of the English language? Or will he deliver another patented Oompa Loompa/Don Corleone mashup? Will Tommy drop his microphone? And where exactly will Zayra shoot lasers from: Her hands? Her eyes? Her cooter?
All this and more will be revealed, after the jump…Brooke is trying to be topical tonight, opening with a few heat wave puns: “If the heat has you all hot and bothered, then sit back and relax, because we have the perfect remedy. An amazing hour of the coolest rock and roll on television.” Ugh. I’ll tell you what is amazing, though: Brooke’s fuckme boots. Damb! I wouldn’t be surprised to see TheDave drop Tommy and go after Brooke following tonight’s broadcast. But only so he can wear the boots, of course.
Brooke says she’s been hosting the show for two seasons now, and can’t help but notice that something seems different tonight. Do you think she finally picked up on TheDave’s pedophile vibe? Nope, just that there’s a new drum kit set up behind her. That can only mean one thing: the triumphant return of Pete Best! Actually, they’re Tommy’s (the fact that they’re covered in fur should’ve been her first clue), and he’s going to be sitting in with one of the rockers tonight. Unfortunately, the kit only has a double-bass, so it looks as if Tommy will be playing sans Tripod.
But first… It’s time to take a look at the goings on back at the mansion. First off, we get to watch Magni watch a video message from home. Turns out that while he’s been gone, his baby learned to walk. Magni missed his baby’s first steps? That’s so sad. But not to worry. Magni says if he weren’t 100% sure of what he’s doing here, he’d just go right home. Obviously, Magni’s not going to win, because he’s only 100% sure, and not the required reality show pledge of 110-1000% sure. Admitting he’s only 100% is not a very strategical move on his part. Still, in Iceland being 100% sure is a $2,175,446,700 KRONA BUSINESS!, so maybe it’s the right move after all.
Look! A TVgasm baby that doesn’t belong to sg-dub.
During song selection, the rockers learned that Tommy would be playing on “Higher Ground.” Right away, Josh and Patrice try to get that song. Josh says he’d do it “Stevie Wonder style, and not Chili Peppers style.” I can’t believe he didn’t even consider doing it Chris Daughtry style. But after thinking it over, he decides that everyone expects him to take the Stevie song, so he says Patrice can have it. It sounds tempting, but should she take the offer? If she does, she’ll be under an even bigger microscope than last week, when she was almost eliminated. I haven’t seen a choice this difficult since Sophie had to choose between the soup or the salad…
She accepts, but the pressure of performing with The Hatchet Man is obviously getting to her, as we see her jump Ryan’s shit for repeatedly saying “Tommy Lee” around her. Ryan says he doesn’t know what she’s talking about, because that’s the first time he’s said Tommy’s name all day. So who’s been trying to psych her out? My guess is that Lukas slipped on The One Ring and has been slinking around the mansion all invisible-like, as sneaky little hobbitses are so wont to do.
Probably because they don’t want to see Patrice break down on national television, she gets to perform first tonight. After asking for and receiving a “Hell Yeah!” from the crowd, Tommy makes his way up to the stage. And totally takes over. Patrice does okay vocally, but really seems intimidated to have Tommy playing behind her. But in her defense, who wouldn’t be intimidated having Tommy behind them?
TheDave agrees, saying that while Patrice’s vocals were “spot on” she disappeared on stage. And he’s afraid that the majority of the other performers will do the same thing. Tommy won’t comment on Patrice’s performance, because when he’s playing, he’s in his own little world and doesn’t really pay attention to what’s going on around him. Which is exactly how my cat Beavis gets when he’s licking his taint.
Next up is Josh, singing “Santeria” by Sublime. Funny thing about this song: the first few times I heard it, I thought it was some pussass love song. And then one night after a few six packs, I actually listened to the lyrics and was quite surprised to learn it’s about shooting someone in the face. Yay homicide! Anyway, Josh does a pretty good job singing. But then in the middle of the song, he starts beat boxing. It was pretty painful to watch. Not quite as painful as Matt Gould’s beat box display on the underappreciated first season of The Joe Schmo Show (with Ralph Garman as “Ralph, the Smarmy Host”!), but I think it was the wrong way to go. Surely the band will agree, right?
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Wrong. TheDave says he did great. Tommy says the whole time he wished he were on a beach in Jamaica drinking a fruify drink with an umbrella in it. Jason says that Josh’s “musicality is wonderful to witness. It really has a certain caliber, a high caliber to it and it’s awesome.” And he wants to make sure that Josh continues to bring “his thing” to this. Overall, he really liked Josh’s performance tonight. Other things he likes tonight: ecstasy.
Brooke says that “awesome” and “unique” are just two of the words that have been used to describe Dilana. She forgot “undead” and “scaryasfuck!”. But is Dilana satisfied with her own success? We’re about to find out as she sings “Can’t Get Enough” by Bad Company. She delivers a typically strong Dilana performance, even going so far as to have a random fanboy carry her around on his shoulders, but for some reason I just can’t get into it. Maybe it’s because I hate this song. Or maybe it’s because I hate Bad Company. Either way, it didn’t do anything for me.
“The light! It burns!!”
TheDave, on the other hand, loved it. And he really loves her pants, as they’d have been the perfect complement to this outfit.
After the break, it’s Toby’s turn. This week, he’s covering “Pennyroyal Tea” by Nirvana. Before I get to Toby’s performance, I gotta ask: Am I the only one who thinks Nirvana (and especially Kurt Cobain) are just a tad overrated? Would we really think Kurt was all that had he not gone all Dick Cheney on his own face? To quote the great Shaggy 2 Dope, “heroin and a shotgun, a hero was made.” Anyone know which car seat is the Kurt Cobain seat? The one behind shotgun.
Okay, enough about the dead guy. Let’s talk about Toby’s performance. I found it to be a bit drab and uninspiring. So maybe he did Kurt justice after all. TheDave and the band have some kind words for Toby, but overall they seemed less than enthusiastic.
Next is the performer we’ve all been waiting for: Zayra. Tonight she’s rearranged the classic MTV hit, “867-5309/Jenny” by Tommy Tutone. She’s also rearranged Tommy Tutone’s outfit a bit, wearing a cape, fishnets, thigh-high boots and gold elbow-length gloves.
As for her performance, words fail. Fortunately, I’m not the only one who’s left speechless. TheDave starts off by laughing in her face, then says he needs a minute to process what he just saw. Tommy says he needs at least six, and asks Brooke to go to break. This is certainly a first.
After spanking it over, the band is ready to talk with Zayra. TheDave starts off by saying there was a lot of controversy about her staying last week over Phil. “But the reality,” he says, “is that you (Zayra) change it up every week. It’s different every week. And my money’s on that.” (I don’t know why he doesn’t mention the real reason they sent Phil home, but whatevs.) Gilby says that Zayra’s vocals were off today. Today?! He says they want to keep her around because they want to see what she’s going to do, and to see if she’s the one who should be in front of their band. But he’s not wearing leopard pants to match her outfit.
Finally, Tommy says he has a blow-up kiddie pool in his dressing room filled with mud and asks Zayra if she’d like to wrestle. “He’s good, by the way,” TheDave tells Zayra. “Are you serious?” she asks. “Uh, no I mean I heard. I heard he is,” TheDave sputters. Awkward! But still not nearly as awkward as this.
After that, Magni could perform dressed as a turd sandwich or a giant douche and still look better than Zayra. Tonight, he’s singing “Clocks” by Coldplay. Having never heard the song, I don’t know if it’s any good or not. So I’ll let the guys decide. Jason says it’s “pure talent through and through” and that Magni continues to set the bar for the competition. Gilby says it was awesome. Tommy says it was excellent. Then he asks Magni how it felt missing his baby’s first steps. Nice segue, Tommy. Magni says that blowing off his kid really shows how much he wants to be here. Tommy understands, and says that the band has decided to fly Magni’s family out from Iceland to see him. That’s not really fair. Dilana missed her baby’s first human sacrifice last week, and nobody’s volunteering to fly her family in.
Raise your hand if you’re sure.
Last week, Jill humped the shit out of Gilby’s leg. This week, members of the House Band are all wearing rubber pants for her cover of “Don’t You (Forget About Me)” by Simple Minds. And after this performance, Jill should forget about her chances of winning anything not involving a pole and a two-drink minimum. TheDave is first: “There comes a time in every rock show when people want to get something to drink, grab a beer, snort coke off a hooker’s ass… It would have been that moment.” Ouch! Tommy and Gilby both think she oversang the song. Although Tommy would still do cocaine off her ass.
Ryan Star really seems to be following the band’s advice to change things up a bit, playing R.E.M.’s “Losing My Religion” solo on the baby grand piano. And while it sounds funny on paper, I gotta admit Ryan kicked ass. You can totally see it in the other rockers’ faces too. Lukas is all “just bring it” and Ryan is all “it’s already been broughten” and Dilana is all “why has the Dark Lord forsaken me?”. TheDave loved it. Jason says it’s Ryan’s best job yet. And Tommy says Ryan’s performance is so going to get him (Ryan) laid. Good to see Tommy’s keeping things in perspective.
Zayra’s not the only one who can shoot lasers from her eyes.
Speaking of Lukas, it’s his turn to bring it. Brooke says that while he’s had nothing but success on stage to this point, there’s still a question mark has been his vocal technique. Tonight, he’s singing “Celebrity Skin” by Hole. I don’t know if he’s uncomfortable following Ryan’s killer set, but for some reason he spends a good part of the song with his back to the audience, a fact that isn’t lost on Gilby. Lukas says it’s just because he was uncomfortable with the lyrics. Other things Lukas is uncomfortable with: enunciation.
Pepe Le Suck.
Here’s the thing about Lukas. Several years ago, my father’s two-pack-a-day habit finally caught up to him and he had to get a tracheotomy. Afterward, it took him a few months to learn to breath and talk through his eyelids. And during those few months, he was still easier to understand than Mushmouth of Hobbitown. Seriously. Listening to Lukas sing is how I imagine BB6′s Jennifer Vasquez sounded after giving oral pleasure to 26 frat boys in one night. Only more gurgley.
This week, Storm Large wants to show us her “softer” side by singing “Changes” by David Bowie. After flashing her breastesses all over the internets, I don’t know how much more of Storm’s softer side there is for us to see, but I’m nothing if not fair and open-minded, so let’s see what she’s got. Jason lurvs Storm’s performance tonight. So does TheDave, who says he’s glad to see her not do the whole “crazy-possessed-by-the-music-eyes-thing” and instead just stand there and sing. As much as I bust Storm’s ovaries for sexing things up too much on stage, her performance tonight just leaves me feeling cold. Cold and alone.
Dana is the last performer of the night, singing “Teenage Wasteland” by The ‘Orrible ‘Oo. And we know she’s serious about rocking this week because she’s wearing black wristbands and a trucker’s wallet. Tommy says her performance shows him that there’s still hope for her. Gilby, meanwhile, says that song is all about rebellion. And he wants to know if Dana is ready to be a rebel. “Hell yeah,” she tells him, “I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow.” What she doesn’t tell him is it’s a tattoo of a unicorn.
Before going off the air, Brooke gives us the early results of the worldwide vote. Our initial bottom three this week are Toby, Zayra, and Jill. I think that’s a good start. You?