GRGHUAAAHWW-LANGLUGLDDDDDUH!

Wow, where has the time gone? It seems like it was just ten months ago that Rock Star: Supernova introduced us to the world’s top 15 rock vocalists, from such strange and faraway places as Iceland, Australia and Texas. And now… what’s that? The show just started in July? That’s just ten weeks ago. Holy crap, it’s been a long summer. Thank goodness I only have two more months of indentured servitude to B-Side before I get off crap duty. What? Two years? Calgon, take me away…!

Anyway, after ten weeks of auditions and antics, zombies and hobbits, shit and shinola, it’s finally time for Supernova to select the singer that will lead them straight into obscurity. Or the $2.99 bin at Wal-Mart, whichever comes first. Unfortunately, my TiVo missed the first few minutes of Tuesday’s show because it was busy taping House. But that’s okay, because House featured a young boy who bled out of his ass. Not even TheDave can top that. Or can he…?

The recap starts with Dilana introducing the winner of the Verizon Wireless Fan Favorite Encore: It’s Zayra! Yay cooter-lasers! Actually, it’s just Ryan, who immediately starts kissing up to the band, talking about how much he loves them and can’t wait for their record to come out. Newsflash Ryan: Supernova hates you. Else you’d still be in the competition. Besides, it’s pretty much a given that your record will outsell theirs, so I’d lose the whole sycophant routine.

Ryan is going to perform his original song: “Back of Your Car”. I like this song. But then again, I like pretty much any song about the end of the world. Except, ironically, “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” by REM. Go figure. Unfortunately, tonight Ryan seems more interested in screaming than singing. But it was cool to watch him repeatedly punch himself in the forehead.

Afterward, Brooke talks to Ryan about his new album, called “Dark Horse”. Ryan thanks TheDave for giving him the name. Hey, based on some of the things you can find about TheDave on the internets, I think Ryan should count his lucky stars that a silly name is all TheDave gave him.

Brooke has a little surprise for Ryan. As the Verizon Wireless Fan Favorite, he also wins a new Verizon V-Cast phone. Yay product placement! And, since he was the eliminated rocker the audience “craved” to hear again, he also wins a new Honda CR-V. What? I guess the CR-V’s new tagline must be “Eliminated”. Actually, it’s “Crave”. Maybe it’s my Midwestern upbringing, but when I think “crave” I don’t think Honda. I think sliders. I think maggot muffins. I think Harold and Kumar. I think you know where I’m going with this one…

Next, we get a look back at the summer that was. I’m not going to bother recapping Brooke’s recap, but I will hit on a few highlights. (If you’re really curious, you can relive the entire season, TVgasm-style, here.)

Hey, remember when TheDave acted like he was sleeping through Toby’s performance of “Runaway Train”? Yeah, that was funny. Although not nearly as funny as this.

Man, that never gets old.

Something that did get old, however, was the band’s incessant way of hitting on anything with a vagina. And Dilana.

Lukas, meanwhile, had trouble with enunciation. Brooke says that over the course of the season, though, Lukas answered his critics. Her proof? A clip of him not enunciating.

As for Magni, I’m sorry, who was he again?

We also got a quick recap of Supernova’s original songs. Of the ones they’ve played so far, the one they sang with Toby sing was my favorite. But really, that’s kind of like saying Rudolph Hess was my favorite Nazi.

Back to live action… Like me, Brooke can’t believe the summer is coming to an end either. Not to mention her chance to ever look like this again. But breeding will do that to a person.

She gives us a brief rundown of how the finale is going to work. Each rocker will perform two songs: a cover, and the original they performed last week. At the end of tonight’s show, we get to vote for our favorites. Tomorrow night (Wednesday), the bottom two will perform again and Supernova will make their first elimination of the night. Then, the final three will perform one last time before Supernova has to choose their new lead singer.

Get it? Got it? Good. Cuz it’s time to get our rock on. Or off, whatever the case may be.

First up is Toby. For his cover, he’s going to sing “Karma Police” by Radiohead. It’s a pretty good version, but for some reason I’m really noticing Toby’s accent tonight. And not in a good “Maybe a dingo ate your baby” way either. More like an “Oy! Fucking stingray!” way. As for his original, here’s what I said about it last week: “Throw It Away” is easily the best song of the night, with a catchy sing-along chorus and lots of hooky-hooks. It reminds me of something the Offspring might have done, back when they didn’t suck. Tonight, it’s pretty much the same, except he has some bald guy join him on guitar. Oh, I guess that was that Magni guy they keep talking about.

TheDave thinks Toby played a killer set. “At this point, I just feel like I’m kicking back and watching a great rock show,” he says. T-Bag liked it too. Gilby thinks Toby lost the melody during the beginning of the Radiohead tune, but saved it once he got to the chorus. Jason says it was the most energy they’ve had in three minutes’ time all summer. Obviously, he’s forgetting about the time Jill humped Gilby’s leg. Although I’m sure Gilby hasn’t. Or Chopper, for that matter.

After the break, Brooke is sitting with the band. She asks Jason how the tour’s going. “Fantastical,” he says. They’ve added one show in Albany, three other shows are already sold out, and they’ve signed on to play the Leibowitz Bar Mitzvah next week. Yay becoming a man!

Next up is Lukas of the Shire. Brooke says he’s covering “Fix You” by Coldplay. Hey, you know how I know Lukas is gay? Because he sings Coldplay. And he dresses like Liza Minnelli. Lukas also does an acoustic version of his original, “Headspin”. During his performance, we get a couple gratuitous shots of Paula Abdul seal-clapping in the balcony. mrs. copygodd can’t believe Paula couldn’t get a better seat than the balcony, but I bet she did and just forgot where it was.

TheDave calls Paula out, saying it’s nice to see when she wants to hear great singing, she comes to Rock Star: Supernova. It was at that point, I think, that Paula realized she actually wasn’t at American Idol. Not because TheDave said the name of the show, but because he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Cowell would never show off his bitch-tits like that. And thank husband for that small modicum of modesty.

TheDave loved Lukas’ set. And he’s not just saying that because he’s already leaked to the press that Lukas is going to win. Or is he? T-Bag says it was cool as hell. Either Tommy’s not up on the official concept of hell, or he’s a big fan of Dante’s Inferno. Gilby thinks Lukas is fearless, and he did a great job. Jason, evidently, doesn’t have an opinion. TheDave tells Lukas to grab his torch and head back to camp.

Dilana is going to cover “Roxanne” by The Police. If memory serves me correctly (and it does, thanks to Google), Chris Pierson butchered this song during week one. In fact, Gilby told him his version sucked. Will Dilana’s be any better? Does Dead Zombie Pope enjoy pickled fore-brain? Of course hers is better. She’s friggin’ Dilana! Hell, she even has the other three rockers come out and sing backup for her. Dilana clearly has her mojo back. How can she possibly not win this contest? Oh yeah, she has a vagina. Sort of. Although I get the feeling that Dilana’s vagina is much like that of a female Gelgameck: three feet wide and lined with razor-sharp teeth!

Dilana’s original is called “Super Soul”. She assures us that it’s not an angry song, it’s a freedom song. It’s about moving forward, through the dimensions of time and space, to the ends of existence, where she will take her rightful place at the hand of Beelzebub, and they will rule chaos together, forever! Yeah, that doesn’t sound angry at all. She spends most of the song in the crowd, at one time even flashing us a shot of her granny panties. To her credit, she did stay away from Paula, however. Even pure evil knows it can’t beat stupid.

TheDave loved it to the power of a thousand. Plus, he thinks it was smart to get her competitors to sing backup for her. Tommy thought it was great. Jason also loves it, but he does have a couple of minor suggestions. One, matching outfits for the boys. Two, Lukas needs to work on his choreography. Other things Lukas needs to work on: his masculinity.

The last performer of the night is the Iceman, aka Magni the Magnificent. I think. I really don’t remember seeing this guy before. For his cover, he’s singing “Hush” by Deep Purple. I gotta say it’s a very interesting, not to mention gutsy, choice. And he does it really well. Magni also does his original song, which he evidently sang last week. For the life of me, I can’t remember hearing it before. Of course, even Magni doesn’t remember the name of it, so I don’t feel so bad.

You know who else doesn’t remember it? T-Lee. Of course, considering a few weeks ago he didn’t remember a kid once drowned in his swimming pool, I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. Jason likes Magni’s original, even though he says its chorus wasn’t as memorable as those of the other rockers. Gilby says Magni did a great job. TheDave was also pleased. In fact, he thinks Magni, like the rest of the rockers, was awesome!

Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the final four. In order of popularity, it’s Dilana, Toby, Lukas and Magni. How will they end up tomorrow night? I’m glad you asked…

THE RESULTS

Fortunately, this week I kept my cat Beavis away from the TiVo during Elimination Night, so I’m actually able to write a recap. Unfortunately, after the way it ended, I’m not sure I want to. Still, a recapper’s gotta do what a recapper’s gotta do. And right now, this recapper’s gotta take a crap.

And we’re back… Brooke welcomes us to the final night of Rock Star: Supernova. Before the night is over, the band will take the stage with their brand new lead singer. Will it be Magni, Toby, Dilana or Lukas… Enquiring minds want to know. Me too. But only because I have to write this recap.

She gives the band one final introduction, then says she couldn’t have made it through the season without her “rock and roll co-heart” TheDave. I’m not sure if she meant to say “cohort” or if that was a Freudian slip of some sort. Or maybe she was just thrown off kilter because TheDave actually wore a shirt for tonight’s festivities. If only he’d bothered to button it.

It’s time for a quick recap of last night’s show. Unfortunately, there’s no mansionanigans this week, so it was pretty boring. Especially considering I just finished watched it like, ten minutes ago. Although, to the show’s credit, it feels like it was only seven.

Brooke asks TheDave if he has any final thoughts. He thinks it was a hell of a summer, and that Supernova can’t lose. TheDave also says he can’t wait to see who he’s going to be touring with in January. So either The Panic Channel is opening for Supernova, or TheDave is the winner of Roadie: Supernova.

Before revealing the initial bottom two, Brooke says that last night’s voting broke records across North America, Iceland and Australia. I guess everyone in India was too busy voting for this guy. (I dare you to watch and not sing that song the rest of the day. Nay, I double-dog-dare you. Bitches.)

Magni, Toby and Lukas were each in the bottom two at one point last night. The first of these three in the final bottom two, however, is Magni. I would say I’m surprised, but I’m not. To save his iced-patootie, Magni is going to perform “Fire” by Jimi Hendrix. It’s pretty much the same performance he gave a few weeks back, except with a better light show. And he ends with a very Jay London-worthy “Thank You”.

The second rocker in the bottom two is Toby. Okay, that I didn’t expect. Nor did I expect him to sing “White Wedding” by Billy Idol again, as the first time he did it wasn’t one of his better performances. But as Toby says, “evs”.

So who will be the first one sent home tonight? Gilby says it was a hard decision for them. They still question Magni’s ability to lead a band as opposed to being part of a band. Which means that Magni is the next to go. Wait, Gilby just cut someone? What the hell happened to the Tommy Hawk?

TheDave says that Magni was the most consistent singer all summer. And, of course, he’s awesome. Magni takes it pretty well, thanking everyone for the opportunity, and the best summer of his life. Considering the summer was spent away from his wife and baby, who started walking while Daddy was playing musician, that doesn’t bode well for his return to Iceland. Methinks someone will be spending some time in the Ice Hotel this fall.

That means your final three are Dilana, Lukas and Toby. Each remaining rocker gets a final chance to plead their case with Supernova. Fortunately, the producers have prepared a video highlight reel for just such an occasion.

Up first is Lukas, with several shots of him being unintelligible. Big surprise there. In the live interview, Lukas says at first he was worried that Supernova might have super egos, but after meeting them, he’d be honored to lead them on a world tour. And if not, he always has his Precious.

Dilana’s final recap is full of hot acrobatic zombie action. And kittens. TheDave wishes her the best of luck. Final thoughts? She wants to rock the world with Supernova. “Lukas is amazing, and Toby is incredible,” she says, “but I’m the one.” Why Dilana, that’s so very JD Fortune of you.

Toby’s bit has several shots of him shirtless, and several more of him not wearing a shirt. He tells the band the energy he’s put on the stage so far won’t come near the energy he’ll put on once he’s had a few beers before a show. Wait, does that mean CBS is making everyone perform sober? Shenanigans!!!!

Tommy says before they can make a decision, they need to hear everyone perform one last time. You know, instead of listening to them play with The House Band again, I’d think Supernova would want to play with each of the rockers one last time before making their decision. But that’s just me and my silly existence in the reality-based community.

During the break, we get a commercial for tomorrow night’s premiere of Survivor. And it features Lukas singing “Headspin”. I didn’t realize Hobbits were one of the races on this season of Survivor.

Brooke says each rocker was allowed to pick their favorite song from the summer. Up first is Lukas, singing “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve. Considering this was one of his worst performances, I’m surprised he picked it. Blame it on the pipeweed.

In what has to be a none-too-subtle shout-out to we fans at the mighty ‘gasm, Dilana decides to perform “Zombie” by The Cranberries. Oh, how I love my Mistress of the Entrails… And we know she’s serious about her performance because she takes off her shoes. Unfortunately, she hits a few really weird notes mid-song, so I’m a little worried that her mojo may be wearing off again.

Our final performer is Toby. He’s going to sing “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers. It’s ai’ght, but he’s letting the audience sing too much. I know he wants to get the crowd involved, but Supernova isn’t auditioning an audience to tour with; they want a singer. Although touring with their own handpicked audience might not be such a bad idea…

After the break, it’s time to hear the band’s final thoughts. Jason says that no matter what, all three rockers are already heroes in their respective countries. He says Toby has the best vocal ability of any of the contestants, and it’s never been in question. He also has the best range, one that cuts through the other instruments and always sounds great. Which means he’s the next one to go home. Sweet Jebus, Jason, no wonder they never let you make the cuts.

Toby tells the band they made the safest choice, because it took him a while to get going, but Lukas and Dilana have always been great. He wishes everyone all the best, thanks Supernova for all their advice and encouragement, and then gracefully takes his leave. Wow, I have nothing snarky to say about that at all.

TheDave says it’s now down to the “edgy ones”: Lukas and Dilana. Looking at them on stage, he says it looks like they’re about to perform a goth wedding. But which one of them shall wear the pants? And which the IUD?

Brooke turns it back over to Gilby for the band’s decision. He says it’s been a tough decision, and they need a few more minutes. So we head back to commercial.

After another break, the Tommy Hawk takes over. He tells Lukas that his look, his energy, his vocals, the way he moves, everything has been amazing. As for Dilana, she is enchanting, and her voice is unbelievable. Next, he asks the fans who they want the band to pick. Unbelievably, the fans are even harder to understand than Lukas. Still, Tommy must be going somewhere with this whole “fan” thing, because he says that like any good band, they listen to their fans. And they’re going to select the person who had the highest number of votes last night.

And that person is…

OompaLukas!

And just like that, Dilana is sent back to the nightmare corpse-city of R’lyeh, burial site of the great Cthulhu and his hordes, hidden away in green slimy vaults. Or Texas. TheDave tells Dilana he adores her, and that she’s a phenomenal singer and performer. He asks if she’ll join them on tour in January and February, playing with The House Band. Even better, sort of, Gilby tells her that after the tour is over, he’d love to help her write and produce her record, TheDave and Tommy both say they’d love to play on her record as well. So Dilana gets to record her own songs, and still gets two-thirds of Supernova to play with her? And she’s the loser how…?

Brooke asks the guys if they’re forgetting anything. “Yeah, I gots to get entertained up in this bitch” says TheDave. Wow, that wasn’t white at all.

T-Bag, Gilby and Jason make their way up on stage to play with their new singer, Lukas Rossi. And of course, I have no idea what they’re playing, because as usual I can’t understand a damn word that midget is singing.

Well, at least he’s consistent.

So, what did you think? Are you happy with the band’s choice? Upset? Ambivalent? Are you surprised I actually bothered to recap such a lackluster finale? Or that I’m ending my recap with this?