Hard Rock Makes Tommy Rock Hard

As boring as this week’s audition episode of Rock Star: Supernova was, I think the results night was even worse. But that’s the problem with results shows like this: nothing really matters until the last five minutes. Instead, we have to sit though a bunch of limp dick innuendos and poseur posing. The least they could do is make it a 30-minute episode, instead of dragging it out to a full hour. Even better, why not make the rockers do fauxmercials for the Ford Focus, ala American Idol. How cool would it be to see Lukas and Dilana dressed up as total freaks walking the streets of Hollywood? Oh, wait…Brooke welcomes us to tonight’s Results Show. This evening she’s wearing a black t-shirt and plaid skirt, which totally dings my Catholic school girl bell. It’s just too bad that whatever scenarios I can drag up from the dregs of my filthiest imagination, she’s already done it. And probably right before the show started, with guitar god and her good friend, TheDave.

Right off the bat, Brooke gives us another reminder of how the show really is popular, no matter what the ratings say. In fact, we’ve already doubled the amount of votes we had received by this time last year. And last night was our highest tally yet, because of what’s at stake: fronting one of the most exciting rock bands to come along in years: Da Band.

“And then the bastard told me to cough!

Before we get to the results, however, we get a recap of last night’s (in)action. I’m not going to recap their recap here, as I just wrote about 2,000 words on it yesterday. But I will say that during Zayra’s performance, my dog Koko let the stankiest god-awful fart I’ve ever smelled. And I used to live on White Castles when I was in college. Coincidence? Methinks not…

After the show, there was dramedy back at the mansion. Toby thought he had let himself down. He tried to show the band some emotion, but obviously they weren’t digging his scene. He’s not sure what he’s going to do next time. He’s just bummed he didn’t think of the potential impact performing that song might have on what the band thinks of him. Dude, you picked a song by Soul Asylum. Seriously, you have no one to blame but yourself. Well, you and the guys in Soul Asylum for writing such a piece of crap to begin with.

“Beauty is the albatross which hangs around my neck.”

Dana’s upset about the Celine Dion comment Tommy made. Of course, she’s blaming it on the song she had to sing. “Give me Alanis Morissette, give me Pat Benatar, give me something I can really dig into.” She can’t understand why the band thinks she’s so popstar-ish. After all, she was arm-pumping, she was stomping, she was in people’s faces. Is her makeup too pretty? What is it? Come on guys, you can tell me. Dilana has the answer: Dana sucks. Actually, she says Dana needs to “live the lyric.” To “become the song.” God, I hope she has to sing “Pop That P*ssy” by 2 Live Crew. “You’ve been doing this sexy walk thing every show now. You need to get down and freakin’ open your legs and stop worrying about being beautiful.” Sure, that’s easy for Dilana to say. She hasn’t worried about her looks since her heart stopped beating lo those many centuries ago.

Hey, it’s time for some shameless product promotion on Rockstar, courtesy of Verizon V Cast. The rockers get to watch their performance on a teeny tiny V Cast phone. I’m sure they’ll be able to pick up a lot of the nuances of their performances by seeing it on a two-inch screen and listening to it over a telephone speaker. Of course, when it comes to watching Zayra, that’s not such a bad idea…

While Ryan, Toby and Lukas are watching Dana’s performance. Ryan says Dana’s good, but she shouldn’t be on this show. Exactly. Although that comment might have more weight were it not coming from someone who also shouldn’t be on this show.

Back to live action… TheDave calls Ryan out on his comments about Dana. “This is a rock and roll show,” Ryan says, “and there are some people here who just aren’t rock and roll.” I think he’s talking about you, ZAYRA. Oh wait, he’s talking about Dana. It gets better. He says that watching Dana seemed like he was watching a pop show and not a rock show and he wants to be on a rock show and he was kind of embarrassed to be on the same show as Dana. Tough words from a guy named after an American Idol loser.

Dana says that’s just Ryan’s opinion, but she wishes that he would’ve had a backbone and said it to her face. At which point Ryan grabs the mic back and says he warned her about choosing that song, but when she didn’t want his help, he stopped helping. And started the backstabbing. He wouldn’t call that spineless at all.

“Chump don’t want no help, chump don’t get no help.”

Dana also says that watching the video showed her where she’s going wrong. And from now on, she plans to knock the band’s teeth in. Not exactly a rock and roll thing to say, but it’s better than making a scrunch face and sticking out her tongue.

Next, TheDave asks Dilana why she was helping Dana, who, after all, is her competitor. Dilana says she’s a loving, giving person, and she cares about her competitors, and she doesn’t feel threatened by any of them. She’s honored to be on the same stage with them. Dana’s a friend, and if she asks for help, she’s going to give it to her. Her advice? Kill yourself to honor the Dark Lord. Actually, she just tells Dana to show us her dirty side.

“Braaaaaaiiinnnnnsssss!”

Gilby asks Toby how he feels about his performance. Toby says he’s not happy with it, but he’s learning more and more from the band every week, and what they said last night was awesome! Uhm, Toby, they said you weren’t very good. Unless that means “awesome!” in Australia, you should be a little more upset than you are.

Jason asks Josh why he was so adamant about choosing the song he did. Josh apologizes for his behavior, saying that’s not usually the guy he is. Because the guy he usually is wouldn’t have taken the song out of the room like that: he’d have pissed on it and hung it back up on the wall. My bad, guys.

For tonight’s encore, Tommy says that while Jill and Dilana were both good last night, the band wants to hear Magni the Magni-ficent sing “Plush” by STP again. And it was just as boring tonight as it was last night.

Magni should really consider a bronzer.

Finally, it’s time for Brooke to start revealing the bottom three. At the end of last night’s show, the bottom three were Jenny, Dana and Ryan. But as the night wore on, and the votes flooded in from around the world, did the votes change? Yes, yes they did. Joining our first bottom three are an additional bottom two: Zayra (Yes!) and Josh. Brooke asks TheDave if he’s surprised by the results. He says he’s surprised that Josh and Jenny haven’t done anything to step it up. Considering that they’re both in the bottom three, I guess that means he isn’t really surprised by the results. TheDave is dumb sometimes. Like that time when he wore this.

The first rocker in the real bottom three is Jenny. And we get to hear Tommy make a string of bad erection jokes. Tommy hates when things go soft. And for the last three weeks, Jenny’s been going soft on them. So the question Tommy has is, are we going to get hard tonight? Jebus, it’s like I’m back in junior high. Or reading one of EdHill’s recaps. Jenny’s going to sing “Vaseline” by STP tonight. Because whenever T-Lee starts talking about getting hard, it’s always a good idea to have a little Vaseline on hand. God, now I’m doing it.

Heheh. I said doing it.

“Vaseline, you say?”

Her performance is about what you’d expect from Jenny trying to cover STP. Thankfully, she does the Reader’s Digest version, so it’s mercifully short.

The next one to join Jenny in the real bottom three is Dana. No surprise there. What is surprising is her song choice: “High Road Easy” by a “chick rocker” named Sash Jordan. Dana says it’s a crowd-moving song with a classic rock element and it’s something a chick can sing. Too bad the chick singing it tonight is Dana. And that’s all I have to say about that.

It’s time for Brooke to reveal the final rocker in tonight’s bottom three. Will it be Ryan, Zayra or Josh? It’s Josh. Jason is quite surprised to see Josh in the bottom three. As am I. How the hell is Zayra not in there? For that matter, how the hell has she not been deported to Puerto Rico already? How much plainer can I make this: ZAYRA SUCKS!

Josh is going sing “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana, which, if memory serves me correctly (and at this point in the evening, that’s 50-50 at best), someone else already covered this season. Again, I wish they weren’t allowed to pick songs that have already been played. The entire Stryper catalog is still available, for Husband’s sake!

“Hail Satan? Right on.”

His performance is good, but it’s not a Josh-performance. You can totally tell this just isn’t his style, but I think all of T-Cell’s talk of getting hard and soft and hard again has him scared. I know it does me, and I’m three full states away from his junk. Fortunately, his junk has been outlawed in Utah, so I’m safe. For the moment.

The band is ready to make their decision, so Brooke turns it over to T-Lee, aka the Hatchet Man. Who promptly turns it over to Gilby. Evidently, the hatcheting will have to wait for another minute or so. Gilby says that Jenny has gotten softer every week, and her vocals tonight weren’t that good. They love Dana’s voice and her attitude, but they’re not sure if she has what it takes to front their band. As for Josh, they’re just not sure why it took until tonight to bring the rock. And at that, Gilby turns it back over to the Hatchet Man.

The hatcheting will continue until morale improves.

Tommy says this part is getting way more difficult each week, but a T-Bag’s gotta do what a T-Bag’s gotta do. “And Jenny, you gotta go,” he says. Wow, that wasn’t so nice, Hatchet Man. Jenny takes it well, though, saying she’s learned more in the last three weeks than she’s learned in her entire life to this point. In fact, her time on Rock Star was “the best slap in the face I’ve ever got.” Dang, what exactly goes on in the mansion when the cameras aren’t on…?

And with that, another pseudo-rocker bites the dust. Do you agree with the band’s decision? Or do you think they should’ve made an Executive Decision and just cut Zayra?