If Rockin’ You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right

Two weeks into Rock Star: Supernova and a few things are already becoming apparent: Dilana is clearly the frontrunner. Zayra puts the hor in horrid. And TheDave and Tommy Lee have an aversion to fashion almost as strong as Chris’ aversion to melody.

After a quick recap of Matt’s axing, Tommy Lee says that last week was tough; somehow he got elected to be “that guy, the hatchet guy.” Just a guess, Tommy, but maybe that’s because it’s your band? I am glad he told us what he meant by “that guy,” however. Because with Tommy Lee, “that guy” could be anything from serial killer to serial jizzer. Gilby jumps in and says they were actually pretty easy on the contestants last week. This coming from the guy who told someone he sucked? I can’t wait to hear what he’s going to say this week: “Your mom sucks. Bad. And I should know, since I just did her a few minutes before showtime. Rock and roll!!!!”

Before the real recap starts, did any of you catch Made You Laugh’s live blog of the show last night? Yeah, me neither. But it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying. I was hoping just to post a transcript of the affair and call it a recap. But this whole West Coast/East Coast time zone thing gets me every time. If it weren’t for the fact that I can ski nearly seven months a year, I’d chuck it all. Wait, no I wouldn’t. Because then I couldn’t see this from my front porch.

Tonight’s first performer is Iceland’s Magni! Last week, he was too Vegas for TheDave’s taste. This week, he’s looking to rock out, Branson-style. Which means a slightly less cheesy version of “My Generation” by The Who, who, just for the record, happen to be one of the most overrated bands of all time. Of course, not nearly as overrated as The Eagles, but still…

Anyway, now that I’ve thrown that hand grenade into the room, let’s get back to Magni. Dude’s boring. If he’s one of the top ten rockers in all of Iceland, I’d hate to hear how bad number eleven is. The least he could do is wear a swan suit. Still, Jason likes him, saying Magni’s experience on the stage in Iceland is showing through. Whatever that means. Tommy, however, thinks it’s a little “ho-hum.” He loves the ho, but thinks Magni needs a little more hum. This makes even less sense than Jason’s comment. But since he says he loves the ho, at least you know he’s telling the truth.

Jenny Galt is up next, covering “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell. It starts slow, before picking up a bit, but nobody should be allowed to cover this song after the ginormous version Marilyn Manson did for “Not Another Teen Movie.” Same goes with Manson’s covers of “Sweet Dreams” and “I Put A Spell on You.” Although Rasputina’s cover of “I Put A Spell on You” is pretty frickin’ awesome too. Awesome? Holy crap, I sound just like TheDave.

Gilby didn’t like Jenny’s arrangement at first, but once it picked up he found it passable. Jenny said she was just looking for some contrast. Other things she should be looking for: bus fare home. TheDave tells her she looks like she’s starving and to go get a sandwich. I can’t believe we’re getting anorexic humor from this guy. And that’s one of the nicer things TheDave says tonight. I think I like the new mean version of TheDave. Although after that last picture he gives me the willies even more and I’m totally sleeping with the lights on tonight.

Billy Corgan’s new girlfriend is up next. No, wait, it’s just Jill Gioia, the pint-sized singer with a hole of gold, covering “Violet” by Hole. Wearing a wedding dress with black cowboy boots, Jill screams her way through the entire song. TheDave says her imitation of Courtney Love made him uncomfortable. He should just be glad she didn’t pee onstage like Courtney did when she played Lollapalooza in Columbus many years back. Jill says she doesn’t know what TheDave is talking about. This is her interpretation of Courtney, not an imitation: “This is Jill Gioia coming out of her box.” You just know Tommy Lee’s ears (not to mention other body parts) perked up at that. TheDave says it’s an imitation because Courtney was wearing a white dress with a bouquet of roses on the cover of her CD. After looking it up on Amazon, though, I can totally see Jill’s point. She’s not wearing a tiara.

Not even close.

Next up is Puerto Rico’s contribution to buzzkills, Zayra, covering “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks. How the hell did this girl got on the show? She can’t sing, she can’t dance and she can’t even fake an orgasm, judging by the way she faux-moans her way through the chorus. Gilby says it best: “I don’t’ think you have a clue when it comes to what we’re looking for in a singer.” He then asks if she even owns any record that any of them have been on. Zayra tries to return the dis, saying she’s heard of their music, but “baby, I was wearing diapers when those came out.” Which would be a better comeback if she hadn’t just covered a song that came out when the members of Supernova were wearing diapers.

“You looking at me?

Chris Pierson muddles his way through “Take Me Out” by Franz Ferdinand. “Muddles” being the operative word, because he has the vocal range of soggy dirt. If only he had dirt’s charisma. At least he didn’t try to rearrange the song this week. Although it might’ve been better had he performed it solely in mime. TheDave says he feels like he’s watching the winner of a charity event who got to perform with The House Band. I think TheDave just called Chris a Special Olympian! Chris asks TheDave to elaborate, which he does, saying that Chris is lacking any authenticity. I disagree with TheDave at that, because I think Chris authentically sucks.

Dilana covers “Ring of Fire” by the late, great Johnny Cash. I’m not sure, but I think her arrangement features a sitar. After last week’s performance, it’s a bit of a letdown, but really, anything short of her giving birth to the Antichrist live on stage would feel that way. Still, it’s heads and spiked tails above anything else we’ve seen to this point. TheDave tries to scare her by asking how dare she rearrange such a classic, but then he says it was awesome! You know what else is awesome? TheDave saying awesome! The band and the crowd agree that tonight Dilana was, indeed, awesome.

The taste of love is sweet…

After the break, the funky white guy, Josh Logan covers “With Arms Wide Open” by Creed. He must have lost a huge bet to have to cover Creed. I’d rather eat five cubes of Wasabi than sing this song, let alone listen to it. But that’s what I get paid the big TVgasm bucks for, so listen I do. It’s not bad, but there’s not much he can do with such a shitty song. TheDave thinks Josh is arguably one of the greatest singers he’s heard in a long, long time. But that performance was just kind of average. Duh, he’s covering Creed!

Last week, Phil Richie was in the bottom three. This week, the man with two first names hopes to redeem himself by performing “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. Phil has a real problem with stage presence, by which I mean he has none. Tonight, instead of flailing about like a Spin Doctor, he tries to stay in place, but it’s the same result: nice voice, boring performance. And boring ain’t no way to Shout at the Devil! Tommy says he likes his swagger, and thinks Phil’s a good looking boy. If I were Phil, I’d run away at this point. Jason says the problem he has is the thing that Tommy likes: skankwhores. Actually, he doesn’t like Phil’s “spineless feeling thing” and he has to close his eyes in order to enjoy his voice. Oh, snap!! Next week, Jason says wants to see Phil just plant his feet and crush it. Providing, of course, that Phil is here next week.

“Don’t make me stop this rock.”

Storm Large is up next, covering “Surrender” by Cheap Trick. It’s okay, but when the highlight of your set is watching you straddle the mic stand, you’re not going to win. Wait a minute, this is Tommy Lee’s band… TheDave says that while she has a huge voice, her performance was a bit Broadway, reminiscent of, dare he say, “Cats”? Oh, he dares. “I want you to have character; I don’t want you to be a character,” he tells her. Hey, that’s actually constructive criticism. How am I supposed to make fun of that? Oh, by showing you this again.

Stormy Spice.

Up next is Patrice Pike, covering “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana. I like her performance, but then again a hot chick playing guitar is always fun to watch. And a hot chick playing guitar while singing about a heart-shaped box? That’s just gravy. Love gravy. Tommy wants her to drop her guitar down a little, sling it low. “You know that I’m 5′ 2″, right?” she laughs. Tommy says he doesn’t care, he’ll give her a longer strap. Other longer things he’ll give her: do I even need to say it?

JD Fortune I mean Lukas Rossi sings “Don’t Panic” by Coldplay. At least that’s what I think he sings, because for the majority of his performance, I can’t understand a damn word this troll says. Seriously, oompah-loompahs have better enunciation than this Roaming Gnome. TheDave likes it though, saying Lukas “has a foot in today’s rock and roll, and a foot in the future, which is pretty dope.” Jason is worried about Lukas’ tendency to close his mouth when he’s doing open vowels. He also thinks Lukas grunts too much. In the middle of his critique, however, Tommy interrupts and tells Jason to shut up. Meow! Jason finishes his point, saying that Lukas needs to take better care of his instrument, unless he wants to end up back in midget porn.

It’s a small world after all.

Ryan Star is up next, sans guitar, covering “Jumping Jack Flash” by The Rolling Stones. It’s just bleh. He does get points for going out in the crowd, but he ends up screaming his way through the end of his performance. Tommy Lee says when he thinks of Mick Jagger, he thinks of a show boat. “So show me some boat, bitch!” Ryan says to watch out, he’ll show Tommy some boat. Evidently Ryan hasn’t seen Tommy’s video, or he’d never want to go anywhere near that guy’s boat.

Little Dana Andrews covers “Born to be Wild” by Steppenwolf. And it really shows how much she doesn’t belong in this contest. It’s not like she can’t sing (I’m looking at you ZAYRA!), it’s just that rock and roll is not her thing. You cannot fake the rock, Dana. Although wearing leopard print and fishnets is a valiant effort. Gilby says he’s still waiting for the dirty, dirty rock to come out. Tommy Lee’s assessment? “Born to be mild.” Jason says she has great power and that, in her, the band has some great clay to work with. “I like clay,” Dana giggles. Other things Dana likes: unicorns.

Our last performer of the night is Australia’s own Toby Rand, covering “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers. Not to get off the subject, but have any of you bought Wolfmother’s new CD? If not, you should. I was playing it at work today and a coworker asked me if I was listening to The Killers, who sound as much like Wolfmother as Dana does Courtney Love. This guy also thinks Jason looks like Lou Phil Reed. Yeah, I work with dorks. (I only point that out because the guy regularly kicks my ass at foosball, so embarrassing him on the Internets is my only revenge. That, and I have way more MySpace friends than he does.)

Anyway, Toby does a pretty good job. As Gilby says, his performance is the perfect example of someone picking the right song. Tommy tells him that “vocally, you are dialed” which elicits a totally blank stare from Toby. Hopefully someone will tell him that’s a good thing in America, and that Tommy Lee didn’t just call him a dingo-rapist. Although that might be a good schtick for this band.

After the final break, Brooke gives us the preliminary voting results. The first bottom three? Jill, Chris and Zayra. Swap out Jill for Dana, and I think we can stop the voting right now. How about you?