Wednesday means two things at the copygodd household: bath night and the elimination episode of Rock Star: Supernova. Forty-two minutes of broken dreams, shattered eardrums and swinging hatchets, courtesy of silicone knockers, some wannabe rockers and the one and only Hatchet Man. And that’s just the bath!
Wanna learn how Zayra took the news of her impending doom? Then join hands and repeat after me: Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho…Speaking of hiney hos, it’s Brooke! Tonight, she says the rockers are dreaming of fame, fortune and a whole lot of groupies. Or, in Dana’s case, a baby unicorn. “But,” Brooke continues, “before tonight is over, another rocker is going home. And it’s anyone’s guess who it’s going to be.” Anyone’s guess? What’s Brooke smoking, umbrellas? Because there is no way Zayra is staying after last night’s debacle. With exports like her, it’s no wonder we won’t let Puerto Rico become a state.
Brooke says if the bright lights, wild crowd and tattoos didn’t give it away, this is Rock Star: Supernova. And here I was wondering what those opening graphics and theme song meant. Last night was another amazing night of performances, and drew the show’s biggest voting numbers yet. Up an amazing 15%! Personally, I think the numbers are getting higher every week because Zayra is sucking more every week (and let’s not forget Double L’s campaigning, but that’s just me. Guess we won’t know till she’s voted off, which should be happening any beer now.
And with that, it’s time to reintroduce the band: Gilby Clarke, Jason Newsted and the man rumored to have the biggest hatchet in all of Hollywood, Liam Neeson. Actually, it’s Tommy Lee. But seeing Liam Neeson pounding the skins with Supernova would totally rule!
For the second night in a row, Brooke does not call TheDave her “good friend.” Tonight, he’s just “a guy who knows a thing or two about jets and world tours.” Poor TheDave. Brooke’s taking his divorce pretty hard.
Before we get to the hatcheting, though, we have to sit through a recap of last night’s episode. Thanks TV. There’s another four minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
Asked if there’s anything they’d like to add about last night’s show, T-Bag tells Storm she gets an A+ on her stage dive. He then asks if that was her first time. “No,” she coos, “but I can make it look like it was.” What, is she going to leave a spot of blood on the stage? (Ooh, cheap hymen humor.)
Next, TheDave tells Patrice it wasn’t just her ovaries he was busting last night: he was busting everyone’s. It’s really important for them to change it up from week to week, and he just wanted to make sure she – and the rest of the rockers – understands that. Patrice says no sweatage. She’s a huge fan of TheDave, having seen him with Jane’s Addiction, with the Chili Peppers and with Panic Channel. Now I know she’s totally blowing smoke up TheDave’s rear end. Because nobody’s seen him with Panic Channel. Still, TheDave seems to buy it and calls a truce.
Zayra is next on the Budweiser Hot Seat. First question: where does one get an outfit like she wore last night? (Is it any wonder TheDave is the one asking?) Zayra says she got it out of TheDave’s wardrobe. TouchÃ©, Zayra, touchÃ©. No wonder it looked so familiar.
Gilby says she’s so entertaining, but he wants to know when the pop show stops and the rock and roll show starts. Zayra says that rock and roll is anything you want it to be. And if she’s that different, she thinks it might be a good thing. Not to poke holes in Zayra’s logic, but rock and roll isn’t anything you want it to be. I know. It’s only rock and roll. And I like it. Zayra says she’ll take Gilby’s advice, and next week she’s going to show him the rock. It’s just too bad she won’t be here next week…
Jason has a question for Phil. Namely, what should the band do with him? Phil says they should let him hang out a little longer, and he’ll show them what he can do. Starting with his patented pirate impersonation. Evidently, it’s a huge hit at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Phil says he gets frustrated every week when it’s time for song selection and he sees that two-thirds of the songs aren’t very heavy. TheDave points out that last night both Dilana and Dana had girly-girl songs, and they both showed more testicular fortitude than Phil did. That’s okay though, Phil. Judging by the pubes on your chin, your nuts should finally drop any day now.
Next, Brooke gives us a glimpse of what transpired at the mansion after last night’s show, starting with Jill. She was really upset that Gilby was upset about “the humping.” She thinks that Gilby’s just used to being on stage with Axl, and having a woman up there is a totally different dynamic. I don’t know about that. Axl did get his ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger a few weeks back. Sounds like he has a vag to me.
Jill goes on: “You’re in a moment, what, you’re going to stop and think, ‘should I do this or not?’ ” Yeah, you wanna take this one, Britney? Jill says she’s comfortable up on stage, and she’s not taking any of it back. Although she did tell Gilby to send her the bill for having her DNA removed from his pants.
Meanwhile, Dana was feeling pretty good about her performance. She tells the other contestants they don’t even have to be speaking directly to her and she’s still learning from them. Because that’s how D-Grease rolls. Ryan doesn’t roll that way, though, and tells her that she still has a lot of catching up to do, because she’s not nearly where she should be at 23 years of age.
“Maybe Satan ate your dingo.”
Dilana, however, believes Dana can be a rock chick. She just doesn’t know if she can accomplish it in the next two months. Dilana says she has yet to see Dana look rock enough. Not true, counters Dana. In fact, she’s worn combat boots, she’s worn a denim skirt, she’s even worn hi-rise bikini briefs instead of her typical flannel granny panties. And from this moment on, she’s out of student-mode. She’s going to do whatever she wants to do. And the first thing she wants to do is Dilana’s hair! Yay, slumber party time! Actually, she says she wants to do something else, but I’m so distracted by the idea of her doing Dilana’s hair that I miss it. Oh well.
Brooke asks the band what they think of the footage they just saw. Gilby tells Jill that she’s just too defensive, and they’re worried that she’s going to argue with them all the time. Jill says she thinks they’re wrong about that. Hey Jill, just a thought, but if you’re trying to convince the band you’re not going to argue with them, it might be a good idea NOT TO ARGUE WITH THEM! Next she says it’s because she’s Italian. And that’s supposed to make everything better how? Finally, she asks why rock and roll has such a double standard: guys can show their sexuality and rip their shirts off and girls can’t? Actually, that’s a very good question. Perhaps Storm would care to take this one…
Gilby’s having none of it, though, and tells Jill he’s played guitar for Heart, which has two girl singers (three, if you count Nancy Wilson), and Ann Wilson has never had to stoop so low as to hump him to try to get her emotions out. That’s probably just because Ann couldn’t catch him, though. He’s lucky he wasn’t dressed as an ice cream sandwich on that tour.
To him, all of Jill’s moves were predictable; he’s seen them at the Holiday Inn, he’s seen it everywhere. Show him something he hasn’t seen. Impossible, Jill says, because everything’s already been done in rock and roll. And with that, she awakens the sleeping ‘tard that is Tommy Lee, who buzzes her out. Let’s just hope she isn’t in the bottom three tonight, or she’ll be humping her ass right out the door.
But enough about Jill. Let’s talk about Dana. TheDave calls her out on saying she’s done being the student. Does that mean she’s not going to listen to her housemates any longer? More important, is she not going to listen to Supernova? Of course not, she says. She just thinks she’s starting to learn more from the other rockers when they keep their mouth shut. Dilana, who gave Dana some good advice last week, is clearly hurt. If I were Dana, I’d hide the knives when I got back to the mansion later tonight…
Since when was Lyle Lovett in Supernova?
After the break, it’s time for the encore. This week, it’s Storm Large. It’s pretty much the same performance she gave last night, except now instead of worrying about her hooha being exposed on national TV, she’s worried about her breastesses.
Finally, it’s time to reveal the bottom three. Brooke introduces the initial bottom three from the end of last night’s show: Jill, Josh and Zayra are all given the bad news. But as the votes poured in from around the globe, Phil and Patrice also spent some time in the bottom three. That means one of these five will be eliminated; the remaining rockers are safe.
“Anyone seen my grandma?”
The first rocker in the real bottom three is Patrice. While she’s not surprised to be in the bottom three, she will be surprised if she goes home tonight. To prove why she should stay, she’s going to sing “My Iron Lung” by Radiohead, which she feels is “graceful and beautiful and in your face at the same time.” Much like T-Bag describes his junk. She does a decent enough job. It’s certainly good enough to save her tonight. Especially considering who the next one to join the bottom three is: Zayra!
A quick review of her performance last night makes me regret my describing it as “Marlee Matlin impersonating Kate Bush.” Because in reality, it was more like Helen Keller impersonating Kate Bush. Gilby tells her tonight may be the last time she sings for the band, so she better make it count. Tonight, she’s going to sing “I’m Not An Addict” by K’s Choice. Because Zayra is just addicted to music, and this song will explain the way she feels. Five “notes” into the song, and I know she’s going home. Yay bad song selection! K-Fed could be the third person on the bottom three tonight and he’d still do better than this, right? We’ll find out after the break.
Okay, the third person isn’t K-Fed, but rather Bobblehead, a.k.a. Phil. Even as bad as he is, there’s no way he’s going home after Zayra’s performance. Providing, of course, he picks a decent song. And that song is? “Smoking Umbrellas” by a band called Failure. What? Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit!!! Smoking Fuckbrellas? What the hell is he thinking?! Geez. It’s bad, but not as bad as Zayra.
Or is it?
It is. After a brief palaver with the band, the Hatchet Man (who’s wearing a totally awesome hoodie tonight) says they just don’t buy Phil’s commitment to the band. And therefore, Zayra stays and he has to go.
I wish I could say I made up that last bit. But it’s true. Phil is cut, and Zayra survives to “sing” another week. Yeah, it sucks, but at least it means I’ve got one more week of good material ahead of me.