Is That A Smoking Umbrella In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Rockstar

By copygodd | Thursday, July 27, 2006 | 8:56 am | 28 Comments

Wednesday means two things at the copygodd household: bath night and the elimination episode of Rock Star: Supernova. Forty-two minutes of broken dreams, shattered eardrums and swinging hatchets, courtesy of silicone knockers, some wannabe rockers and the one and only Hatchet Man. And that’s just the bath!

Wanna learn how Zayra took the news of her impending doom? Then join hands and repeat after me: Mekka Lekka Hi-Mekka Hiney Ho…Speaking of hiney hos, it’s Brooke! Tonight, she says the rockers are dreaming of fame, fortune and a whole lot of groupies. Or, in Dana’s case, a baby unicorn. “But,” Brooke continues, “before tonight is over, another rocker is going home. And it’s anyone’s guess who it’s going to be.” Anyone’s guess? What’s Brooke smoking, umbrellas? Because there is no way Zayra is staying after last night’s debacle. With exports like her, it’s no wonder we won’t let Puerto Rico become a state.

Brooke says if the bright lights, wild crowd and tattoos didn’t give it away, this is Rock Star: Supernova. And here I was wondering what those opening graphics and theme song meant. Last night was another amazing night of performances, and drew the show’s biggest voting numbers yet. Up an amazing 15%! Personally, I think the numbers are getting higher every week because Zayra is sucking more every week (and let’s not forget Double L’s campaigning, but that’s just me. Guess we won’t know till she’s voted off, which should be happening any beer now.

And with that, it’s time to reintroduce the band: Gilby Clarke, Jason Newsted and the man rumored to have the biggest hatchet in all of Hollywood, Liam Neeson. Actually, it’s Tommy Lee. But seeing Liam Neeson pounding the skins with Supernova would totally rule!

For the second night in a row, Brooke does not call TheDave her “good friend.” Tonight, he’s just “a guy who knows a thing or two about jets and world tours.” Poor TheDave. Brooke’s taking his divorce pretty hard.

Before we get to the hatcheting, though, we have to sit through a recap of last night’s episode. Thanks TV. There’s another four minutes of my life I’ll never get back.

Asked if there’s anything they’d like to add about last night’s show, T-Bag tells Storm she gets an A+ on her stage dive. He then asks if that was her first time. “No,” she coos, “but I can make it look like it was.” What, is she going to leave a spot of blood on the stage? (Ooh, cheap hymen humor.)

Next, TheDave tells Patrice it wasn’t just her ovaries he was busting last night: he was busting everyone’s. It’s really important for them to change it up from week to week, and he just wanted to make sure she – and the rest of the rockers – understands that. Patrice says no sweatage. She’s a huge fan of TheDave, having seen him with Jane’s Addiction, with the Chili Peppers and with Panic Channel. Now I know she’s totally blowing smoke up TheDave’s rear end. Because nobody’s seen him with Panic Channel. Still, TheDave seems to buy it and calls a truce.

Zayra is next on the Budweiser Hot Seat. First question: where does one get an outfit like she wore last night? (Is it any wonder TheDave is the one asking?) Zayra says she got it out of TheDave’s wardrobe. TouchÃ©, Zayra, touchÃ©. No wonder it looked so familiar.

Gilby says she’s so entertaining, but he wants to know when the pop show stops and the rock and roll show starts. Zayra says that rock and roll is anything you want it to be. And if she’s that different, she thinks it might be a good thing. Not to poke holes in Zayra’s logic, but rock and roll isn’t anything you want it to be. I know. It’s only rock and roll. And I like it. Zayra says she’ll take Gilby’s advice, and next week she’s going to show him the rock. It’s just too bad she won’t be here next week…

“Arrrrrr!”

Jason has a question for Phil. Namely, what should the band do with him? Phil says they should let him hang out a little longer, and he’ll show them what he can do. Starting with his patented pirate impersonation. Evidently, it’s a huge hit at the local Chuck E. Cheese. Phil says he gets frustrated every week when it’s time for song selection and he sees that two-thirds of the songs aren’t very heavy. TheDave points out that last night both Dilana and Dana had girly-girl songs, and they both showed more testicular fortitude than Phil did. That’s okay though, Phil. Judging by the pubes on your chin, your nuts should finally drop any day now.

Next, Brooke gives us a glimpse of what transpired at the mansion after last night’s show, starting with Jill. She was really upset that Gilby was upset about “the humping.” She thinks that Gilby’s just used to being on stage with Axl, and having a woman up there is a totally different dynamic. I don’t know about that. Axl did get his ass kicked by Tommy Hilfiger a few weeks back. Sounds like he has a vag to me.

Jill goes on: “You’re in a moment, what, you’re going to stop and think, ‘should I do this or not?’ ” Yeah, you wanna take this one, Britney? Jill says she’s comfortable up on stage, and she’s not taking any of it back. Although she did tell Gilby to send her the bill for having her DNA removed from his pants.

Meanwhile, Dana was feeling pretty good about her performance. She tells the other contestants they don’t even have to be speaking directly to her and she’s still learning from them. Because that’s how D-Grease rolls. Ryan doesn’t roll that way, though, and tells her that she still has a lot of catching up to do, because she’s not nearly where she should be at 23 years of age.

“Maybe Satan ate your dingo.”

Dilana, however, believes Dana can be a rock chick. She just doesn’t know if she can accomplish it in the next two months. Dilana says she has yet to see Dana look rock enough. Not true, counters Dana. In fact, she’s worn combat boots, she’s worn a denim skirt, she’s even worn hi-rise bikini briefs instead of her typical flannel granny panties. And from this moment on, she’s out of student-mode. She’s going to do whatever she wants to do. And the first thing she wants to do is Dilana’s hair! Yay, slumber party time! Actually, she says she wants to do something else, but I’m so distracted by the idea of her doing Dilana’s hair that I miss it. Oh well.

Brooke asks the band what they think of the footage they just saw. Gilby tells Jill that she’s just too defensive, and they’re worried that she’s going to argue with them all the time. Jill says she thinks they’re wrong about that. Hey Jill, just a thought, but if you’re trying to convince the band you’re not going to argue with them, it might be a good idea NOT TO ARGUE WITH THEM! Next she says it’s because she’s Italian. And that’s supposed to make everything better how? Finally, she asks why rock and roll has such a double standard: guys can show their sexuality and rip their shirts off and girls can’t? Actually, that’s a very good question. Perhaps Storm would care to take this one…

Gilby’s having none of it, though, and tells Jill he’s played guitar for Heart, which has two girl singers (three, if you count Nancy Wilson), and Ann Wilson has never had to stoop so low as to hump him to try to get her emotions out. That’s probably just because Ann couldn’t catch him, though. He’s lucky he wasn’t dressed as an ice cream sandwich on that tour.

To him, all of Jill’s moves were predictable; he’s seen them at the Holiday Inn, he’s seen it everywhere. Show him something he hasn’t seen. Impossible, Jill says, because everything’s already been done in rock and roll. And with that, she awakens the sleeping ‘tard that is Tommy Lee, who buzzes her out. Let’s just hope she isn’t in the bottom three tonight, or she’ll be humping her ass right out the door.

But enough about Jill. Let’s talk about Dana. TheDave calls her out on saying she’s done being the student. Does that mean she’s not going to listen to her housemates any longer? More important, is she not going to listen to Supernova? Of course not, she says. She just thinks she’s starting to learn more from the other rockers when they keep their mouth shut. Dilana, who gave Dana some good advice last week, is clearly hurt. If I were Dana, I’d hide the knives when I got back to the mansion later tonight…

Since when was Lyle Lovett in Supernova?

After the break, it’s time for the encore. This week, it’s Storm Large. It’s pretty much the same performance she gave last night, except now instead of worrying about her hooha being exposed on national TV, she’s worried about her breastesses.

Finally, it’s time to reveal the bottom three. Brooke introduces the initial bottom three from the end of last night’s show: Jill, Josh and Zayra are all given the bad news. But as the votes poured in from around the globe, Phil and Patrice also spent some time in the bottom three. That means one of these five will be eliminated; the remaining rockers are safe.

“Anyone seen my grandma?”

The first rocker in the real bottom three is Patrice. While she’s not surprised to be in the bottom three, she will be surprised if she goes home tonight. To prove why she should stay, she’s going to sing “My Iron Lung” by Radiohead, which she feels is “graceful and beautiful and in your face at the same time.” Much like T-Bag describes his junk. She does a decent enough job. It’s certainly good enough to save her tonight. Especially considering who the next one to join the bottom three is: Zayra!

A quick review of her performance last night makes me regret my describing it as “Marlee Matlin impersonating Kate Bush.” Because in reality, it was more like Helen Keller impersonating Kate Bush. Gilby tells her tonight may be the last time she sings for the band, so she better make it count. Tonight, she’s going to sing “I’m Not An Addict” by K’s Choice. Because Zayra is just addicted to music, and this song will explain the way she feels. Five “notes” into the song, and I know she’s going home. Yay bad song selection! K-Fed could be the third person on the bottom three tonight and he’d still do better than this, right? We’ll find out after the break.

Okay, the third person isn’t K-Fed, but rather Bobblehead, a.k.a. Phil. Even as bad as he is, there’s no way he’s going home after Zayra’s performance. Providing, of course, he picks a decent song. And that song is? “Smoking Umbrellas” by a band called Failure. What? Oh shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit. Shit!!! Smoking Fuckbrellas? What the hell is he thinking?! Geez. It’s bad, but not as bad as Zayra.

Or is it?

It is. After a brief palaver with the band, the Hatchet Man (who’s wearing a totally awesome hoodie tonight) says they just don’t buy Phil’s commitment to the band. And therefore, Zayra stays and he has to go.

Philiminated!

I wish I could say I made up that last bit. But it’s true. Phil is cut, and Zayra survives to “sing” another week. Yeah, it sucks, but at least it means I’ve got one more week of good material ahead of me.

Your thoughts?

Comments (28)
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28 Comments

1

Samboomba

Posted July 27, 2006 at 9:39 am

That was an awesome recap, copygodd! Lucky I don’t share an office with anyone when that Storm pic came up though…
2

Samboomba

Posted July 27, 2006 at 9:41 am

Oh, and Zayra sucks, but I have to say that I would have cut Phil for his emo hair alone.
3

boringday

Posted July 27, 2006 at 9:49 am

Boo on Supernova. I love Phil. He reminds of Jared Leto. Though I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. Whatever, anything’s better than the Bjork wannabe Zayra.
4

Loo

Posted July 27, 2006 at 9:52 am

Here’s the problem with this show. The contestants represent a younger, hipper, savvier kind of rock than do the judges, who spout Neanderthal ideas about performance, women, and sexual expression. So the contestants have to compete for a band they find hard to respect.

It’s especially tough on the talented women, who are sexy and exciting–and who deeply threaten the Neanderthals. (Of course, if Supernova had anything going, they wouldn’t need a gimmick like *Rockstar*.)

I’m glad the girls are fighting back–even Zayra’s looking good lately (?!). And I’m pissed that voters follow the Neanderthals like sheep. B-a-a-a-a-ah.

Bottom line: This group of contestants deserves a better goal.
5

chronic

Posted July 27, 2006 at 10:06 am

Whatever! It was just plain wrong of Jill to be humping Gilby during her performance. Although some of the other contestants play up their sex appeal, as Spinal Tap famously said “It’s a fine line between stupid and clever.” It was bad judgment and she should’ve accepted it instead of harping on about it. She really needs to learn to keep her mouth shut. She’s been on my hitlist since she butchered Violet.

As for Gilby, I think he was a bit disingenuous the way he was harping on about it, because the main problem is that he just doesn’t like her (can’t say as I blame him), but doesn’t really want to come out and say it.

I’ve been reading elsewhere that apparently the band got wind that Phil had stated that he was just using the show for exposure. He did have the better performance last night. Zayra wasn’t as jaw-droppingly awful as she was the previous night, but seems she’s only tolerable performing less “rock” songs, so not so good for Supernova, but amusing enough to keep around a while longer I s’pose. In the end, I’d probably rather see another one of her train-wreck performances than Phil’s bobblehead.
6

tvaholic

Posted July 27, 2006 at 10:15 am

I thought I was hearing things when Dana was talking about how she’s trying to be a “rock chick” but now I know it’s true-she did actually say “I wore a denim skirt.” And that’s supposed to help her cred how? So does that mean I was a rock chick in the 5th grade with my denim skirt?? Ooh, and the leg warmers too, that’s a hot look! Maybe that explains her horrible eye makeup-little girls shouldn’t be trying to grow up before their time. Dana, there’s a difference between “rock” style and “looking like a 13-year-old hooker” style.

Any-who, while I knew Phil wouldn’t make it I still thought he’d go after Zaney. Then again, he doesn’t have the Jetson’s wardrobe & sexual-innuendo-rapport going on with the band, so not a huge surprise.
7

jack

Posted July 27, 2006 at 10:23 am

there are a lot of problems with this show, not the least of which is the fact that ‘supernova’ is anything but super: tommy lee is far better known for his private video footage (eh . . . it’s big, but definitely not a foot) than for music–motley hadn’t had a legitimate hit record since 1986; gilbey clark is a career sideman who played rhythm guitar on one guns’n'roses tour (replacing the AWOL izzy stradlin at the last second) and whose biggest accomplishment in the recording studio was producing mediocre whiskey a-go-go regulars l.a. guns; newsted was hired to replace the late cliff burton in metallica and was treated like a sideman and a roadie until he finally got fed up and quit ’cause he was sick of hetfield breaking down the door to his hotel room and kicking his ass in the middle of the night.

the other big problem is that dilana is so superior to everyone else in every possible capacity–look, stage presence, vocals in both rockers and ballads–that the competition seems pointless. on stage with the poseur crew, she looks like some sort of metal frau maria surrounded by a misfit von trapp family. maybe she could teach them all a puppett show with satanic goats which they can perform for the dave instead of their crappy-pap covers. i mean, christ jesus–nirvana was bad enough the first time around, but there are few more earsplitting headaches than a wimpy cover of yet another one of their overrated three-chords-and-a-lot-of-whining crap songs.
8

Mehitabel

Posted July 27, 2006 at 11:19 am

Loo and Jack have nailed it. Instead of “Supernova” we have “White Dwarfs.”
As for “It was just plain wrong of Jill to be humping,” it’s sad to see you buy Gilby’s shtick. Humping is part of nearly everyone’s choreography on So You Think You Can Dance, hardly a racy show.
9

chronic

Posted July 27, 2006 at 11:54 am

Fine if you disagree, but I have quite an independent mind tvm, no need to feel sad for me. I have no opinion on humping per se, but I do believe in a person’s right to play their guitar without being humped against their will, especially when the humper in question is Jill. And I also believe in a person’s right to express their disapproval of said humping without getting a whole lotta backtalk. Gilby was harsh, admittedly, but she brought it on herself. And I believe it’s even sadder to use SYTYCD? as any kind of standard-bearer for stage performance.

As for the lameness of the band, come on people, it’s a given. Being a bunch of washed-up has-beens is pretty much the only reason why any band would agree to do this show. Besides I don’t think I would enjoy the show half as much if they weren’t such a sad lot.
10

Memememe

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:02 pm

I agree with you, chronic. I sat there watching Jill wondering why she couldn’t just say, ‘I hear you. I respect your opinion and it’s you that I’m trying to impress here.’ Just let it go. Is it really worth fighting about? He’s one of 3 guys who’s going to make the decision when she gets the boot. Just unnecessary immaturity if you ask me.

His reasons for not liking it notwithstanding. I think he’s pretty much a jerk.
11

msCCRN

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:09 pm

Another great recap Copygodd. I especially like your description of Gilby and Heart onstage. I thought the exact same thing-If Anne Wilson thought she could get herself next to Gilby she might have tried the hump maneuver. On the other hand, an ice cream sandwich is much more appealing than Gilby (sorry ZooBabe).

This is getting ridiculous. Gilby came right out and said Zaney is not right for the band, and yet the Hatchet man still has not axed her ass. Then she sings a song that is NOTHING like the crap they played for all the “rockers.” Seriously. WTF?
12

Mehitabel

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:17 pm

“I also believe in a person’s right to express their disapproval of said humping without getting a whole lotta backtalk.”

Here’s where we disagree. That backtalk is called freedom of speech. Do I like Jill? No. Did I like her act? Yes. Do I think American puritanism runs deep in the rock tradition? Yes, when it comes to women’s sexuality. Gilby’s just Dubya with tattoos.
13

JayhawkAnne

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:29 pm

Please, oh please, oh please! I *so* want to see a clipgasm of Bath Night with Copygodd… it would totally rock way harder than any of these poseurs! And I’m sure it would be a far more entertaining way to spend a Wednesday night!
14

AbbyAnn

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:49 pm

Mehitabel, freedom of speech has nothing to do with a contestant on a reality show knowing better than to argue with the show’s judge. The government has not attempted to punish Jill or prevent any future speech from her, so that’s as far as the freedom of speech goes. Like it or not, and like him or not, Gilby is judging her in a competition. Refusing to even pretend to see his point was dumb. There are plenty of women in music who use their sexuality all the time and have done quite well for themselves because of it, but if this particular decision-maker for this particular “band” doesn’t want to see it, that’s that.
15

Double L

Posted July 27, 2006 at 12:53 pm

One more week of Zayra singing in both the Performance Show and Elimination Show. Two more fun performances to go and maybe more!!! Keep your fingers crossed.

Vote for Zayra!
16

Samboomba

Posted July 27, 2006 at 1:06 pm

I think a lot of Gilby’s bitching about “Humpfest 06″ came from the fact that he was just trying to play, and she was like a little dog that kept following him and trying to get it on with his leg (and other parts). There’s nothing wrong with the sexuality of it, Gilby was probably just using it as an excuse because he found it annoying.
17

Mehitabel

Posted July 27, 2006 at 1:48 pm

AbbyAnn, I find it refreshing that people are talking back to the judges on this show. The problem with a lot of reality tv (Hell’s Kitchen, The Apprentice, Idol) is that it promotes doormat behavior. The “bosses” can be rude and demeaning, but the contestants have to suck it up. This is hardly a healthy organizational model.

I thought Loo made a good point when she said that the contestants on Rockstar are having trouble respecting the judges. It’s clear we all are. I think Phil did the right thing by distancing himself, though it cost him. Integrity’s worth any number of sacrifices. And, seriously, can you imagine dealing with these bozos as your day job?
18

chronic

Posted July 27, 2006 at 2:12 pm

I totally agree that the talking back on the show is a plus. I think the band are admirably receptive to a bit of backtalk, but there are obviously going to be limits to what the contestants can get away with. It’s crazy for anyone to expect otherwise.

If it was simply a difference of opinion that’s one thing, but the fact is she did something that he didn’t want done, and that legitimately pissed him off, and was completely intransigient about it. It’s just rude. And dumb.

I think most of the contestants respect the judges fine, and they knew exactly what they were signing up for. Phil was an opportunist that got called out, would hardly call him a model of integrity.
19

Double L

Posted July 27, 2006 at 2:12 pm

I made a Zayra Clipgasm:
20

msCCRN

Posted July 27, 2006 at 2:30 pm

Double L, the only thing I was thinking during that clip (there was certainly no ‘gasm) was….MAKE IT STOP!!
21

msCCRN

Posted July 27, 2006 at 2:32 pm

Oh, one more thing.
Note to Dana: you have a nice voice; you are totally wrong for Supernova. Wearing black eyeliner does not make you a hard rockin’ chick.
22

Mehitabel

Posted July 27, 2006 at 2:41 pm

Chronic, I guess I have more sympathy for the contestants than many posters here. The judges are used to lights and cameras; the contestants are not. Imagine yourself under the same pressure.

About Dana not being right for Supernova–is Supernova right for any of these contestants? This show should be about starting a band from scratch instead of trying to “fit” with the dinosaurs.
23

HoneyBunny

Posted July 27, 2006 at 3:18 pm

I had a bf once who had this old, smelly, ragged ass pair of shorts. I kept throwing them in the trash and he kept dragging them out…

Geez SuperNOIDEA – we keep voting the Z-Freak into the bottom 3 and you guys keep dragging her out…WTF?

hb
24

juddfan

Posted July 27, 2006 at 3:55 pm

participating in this forum is, like, the best reason to watch this show. Haven’t seen much of it, or the INXS, but such a fun show to recap and rag on.

I’ll look forward to all the comments tomorrow, as I must depart, but wanted to say, I thought Dana showed a lot of growth, she didn’t even sing that well before, and this time, she had a really nicely toned texture (unlike the short one singing from his throat–painful!)

So glad you mentioned how lame their music sounds copygodd–I was like, is it me, this is ass-backward to be recording songs that are like jam sessions with no uniqueness or vision. LIke the rolling stones at their tritest–or worse . . . I think they need someone more than someone needs them, but that’s just me . . .
25

copygodd

Posted July 27, 2006 at 10:02 pm

yay, good comments, controversy and a video request!

is this a great country or what?
26

tvaholic

Posted July 28, 2006 at 7:15 am

Holy crap Double L-they actually chose to keep her after that? I think I now have a chance at Supernova after that!

hb-love it, comparing Zaney Z to a pair of “old, smelly, ragged ass pair of shorts” that just won’t stay in the garbage! You know, I think I want her to stay on, just for that delusioned-American-Idol entertainment factor. Because really, the only person who’s as fun to watch is Dilana, but that’s because she’s can actually sing.
27

Memememe

Posted July 28, 2006 at 10:05 am

You guys are confusing ‘freedom of speech’ (the government’s not stopping her, for chrissakes) with ‘being rude.’

When I heard the Zayra-Dave exchange about her outfit, I heard her say she picked it out from “your” wardrobe — which I took to mean the show’s. Not Dave’s personally.. though that’s possible too. I don’t like that woman but I enjoy calling her “zay ruh.”
28

TimGunnSucks

Posted July 28, 2006 at 6:04 pm

Mehitabel, you rock! Marry me?

Is That A Smoking Umbrella In Your Pants Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

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