Let Me See You Stripped

Tonight it’s a special stripped down acoustic episode of Rock Star: Supernova, complete with a string quartet. It sounds interesting, until Brooke asks if we’re ready for eight rock performances like we’ve never seen before. Yeah, because no band on MTV: Unplugged ever used strings in their performance. I’m starting to think that maybe Brooke is drinking her own Kool-Aid.

Still, that’s better than drinking TheDave’s Kool-Aid, because more than likely he’s spiked it with Cherry Robitussin.This week, Brooke introduces Tommy Lee as “the guy who gives bad boys a good name.” Evidently, Brooke’s writers get paid by the cliché. Then, both TheDave and T-Lee make a show of taking off their shirts. You know, because it’s a stripped down performance. Besides, that’s just how T-Grease rocks it: shirtless and shameless.

Bah…

Bah…

Boobies!

Next, it’s time for some footage of the rockers’ trip to Vegas last week. Storm says there was champagne and wine on ice and a giant fruit platter. She was totally stoked. Because nothing says rock like a giant platter of fruit. Except maybe a giant cheese plate.

The rockers gather on stage at The Joint in the Hard Rock Cafe, which Ryan describes as an intimate club and an arena at the same time. Kind of like a floor wax and a desert topping. Storm says she looked around and imagined it thick with people, sweating and screaming, and it solidified the point for her: Supernova is people!

Afterward, the rockers took over the penthouse suite, which even has its own bowling alley. Lots of drinky-drinks were drank, smoochie-smooches were smooched and hotel ashtrays were stolen. And that was just the hookers T-Lee ordered! Ryan said it was the kind of party you don’t want to leave, but you know is going to end badly. Much as I imagine the last night at Heaven’s Gate was, before the followers laced up for their final trip to Blisstonia.

The next day, everyone paid the price for their partying. But at least they were still breathing. Except for Dilana, who hasn’t had to use her lungs since the late 1400s. Still, the show must go on, so that night they drug themselves out of bed and gathered for song selection. This week, Gilby will be playing on the Peter Gabriel classic, “Solsbury Hill.” Dilana says she wants it, but Toby says he needs it. How much does he need it? Enough to run around the backyard naked, that’s how much. Either Toby’s still drunk, or he developed a bad chaffing problem in Vegas. If only Cirie were here to check it out for him.

Also up for grabs is the chance to perform an original song. Surprisingly, only two people wanted it: Ryan and Zayra. Ryan says he should get it because he was in the bottom three last week. Zayra says she’s always in the bottom, baby, so she should get it. Which is probably true, if you add the words “taking it” before “in”. Zayra says she didn’t want to do the original song; she had to do it. And once she spotted a tiny little piece of doubt in Ryan, she decided to wait him out. Eventually, he relented and gave it to her. The original song, I mean. Later, she tells us performing her original song is a very risky thing to do, and she might be crazy, but she’s also very brave. And by brave, of course, she means crazy.

Back to live action, TheDave says the censors made he and Tommy put their shirts back on, and apologizes for their indiscretion. It’s just too bad he didn’t apologize for this. Once again, TheDave is shocked, shocked that more people didn’t fight for the chance to the original song. Jason can’t believe it either. In fact, he’s very underwhelmed. Gilby is disappointed in their enthusiasm as well, but totally digs the fact that Toby ran around naked for him. Which says more about Gilby than I really wanted to know.

Since Zayra has the original, TheDave tells her to go first. Her song is called “Lluvia de Mar” (translation: “Cooter Laser of Love”) and she performs it totally in Spanish. The least the producers could have done was subtitle it for us, as for all we know she could be singing about how much she hates Supernova yet is strangely turned on by TheDave’s NAMBLA membership.

It’s actually a very pretty song, in a Tijuana-Bjork sort of way. And for once, Zayra doesn’t shoot a single laser from her hands or orifices. But there’s no way it’s right for Supernova. The band agrees. While they all like it, they also all agree it’s not right for them. Other things they agree on: their love of the cooter laser.

After the break, it’s the Iceman’s turn. This week, Magni is singing “Starman” by David Bowie. And he’s the exception to the rule of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Because Magni has gone totally Nick Winters on us, in both appearance and delivery. The band, however, really likes it, with the only complaint coming from Gilby, who tells Magni he missed a chance to involve the crowd during the “la la la” segment. Evidently, the band has already exceeded tonight’s ten-drink minimum.

“Star Wars, nothing but Star Wars, give me those Star Wars, don’t let them end…”

Next, Brooke says there’s no question that Patrice can rock, but points out that lately she’s been in and out of the bottom three. Tonight, she’ll be singing “Message in a Bottle” by The Police, all but ensuring herself another turn in the bottom three on the next elimination night.

I don’t know what it is about Patrice. She has a good voice, but she’s just so boring. Plus she smiles through every song, no matter what the lyrics are about. mrs. copygodd really likes her, though, and says that Patrice’s dimples just make her look like she’s always smiling. My neighbor just calls her the soccer mom. Patrice, not mrs. copygodd. Although picturing the wife as a soccer mom is pretty hot. Maybe I should have her pretend to drive a minivan sometime…

Anyway, Patrice turns in another bland performance. But her dimples were mahvelous! Gilby says she sang it well, but busts her ovaries for not changing up the song any. But if memory serves me correctly, the last time a rocker changed up a song by The Police, they booted him. (Smell ya later, Chris!)

Lukas of the Shart.

Father Lukas is up next, singing “Hero” by Chad Kroeger. For some reason during the middle of Lukas’ performance, CBS started showing random clips from what looked to be an episode of Veronica Mars. Having never watched the show, however, I’m not 100% on this. I am 100% sure that this is Lukas’ best performance yet, though. And he totally rocks a priest’s collar.

TheDave loves it. T-Lee loves it, but his enjoyment was tempered by the fact that he doesn’t like it when people sit down. Which is why he only has a urinal in his bathroom at home. But Jason says Lukas wasn’t enunciating enough. Did somebody stick a dick in Jason’s ear? I’m not a huge Oompalukas fan, but he totally enunciated tonight.

Storm is singing “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor. At first, she seemed afraid. Even petrified, some might say. But then she realized how you did her wrong, and she grew strong. So strong, in fact, that at one point her voice got all low and guttural and totally death-rock-sounding. It was like she was channeling her inner Choronzon. T-Bag’s not buying it though, and gives her a look like, “Storm, I know Beelzebub. I’ve played with Beelzebub. And you, Storm Large, are no Beelzebub.”

TheDave hated it. T-Bag hated it. Gilby hated it. And were he alive, I’ve no doubt Lloyd Bentsen would’ve hated it as well. Tommy says it was “sautéed in wrong sauce,” which has to be the best criticism of the night. In her defense, Storm says to cut her some slack, as she was up for 48 hours in Vegas with the band, and then woke up with Gloria Gaynor. Damn, do these guys know how to party or what?

Toby is up next, singing “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel, which he streaked for to win. Gilby sits down through the entire performance. At first, I wonder if Tommy’s gonna bust his balls for sitting, but once Toby starts playing bongos, I think Gilby’s safe. Watching Toby play bongos has to be eating at T-Bag. After all, he’s the drummer for Supernova, not Toby. Look for Tommy to play his own version of the bongos next week: the schlongos.

“Look ma, no sticks!”

During the critique session, Toby tells TheDave he thinks the new Panic Channel CD is awesome. (The Panic Channel is TheDave’s new band.) Which prompts TheDave to deem Toby’s performance the best of the night. T-Lee says after seeing Toby run around naked, he has no questions about Toby’s commitment. Or the fact that he, T-Lee, still has the biggest junk in the band. But he does love Toby’s ass.

Brooke tells us that last week Ryan introduced a new fashion accessory to the world: the Mohawk hoodie. And it promptly landed him in the bottom three. So look for it to be appearing at your nearest Old Navy any day now. On a somewhat related note, how much do you hate Old Navy’s new “Get Your Fash On” campaign? Yeah, me too.

Ryan heals.

Ryan is singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins. And he totally nails it. The last few weeks, Ryan has really upped his game, and has to be considered one of the frontrunners at this point. TheDave thinks it’s the best performance of the night. And we know he means it, because Ryan didn’t kiss TheAss like Toby did. Gilby and Jason both appreciate the fact that Ryan has been changing things up the past few weeks. In Jason’s words, “that means something.” What, exactly, I have no idea.

Dilana is the last performer of the night. Brooke says she’ll be singing “the great American rock anthem: ‘American Pie.” Actually, she’ll be singing “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin. Seriously. I like this song and all, but it doesn’t exactly spring to mind when I think of the “great American rock anthem”. But I’m sure Dilana will really put her undead heart into it.

Surprisingly, Dilana looks almost lifelike tonight. Even more surprisingly, she’s sporting a silver crucifix, which is extremely dangerous for a practitioner of the Dark Arts such as herself. Of course, it’s dangling so low between her thighs it should be called a coochifix.

“And a six and a six and a six…”

Remember when TheDave said Toby had the best performance of the night? And then he took that back and told Ryan he had the best performance of the night? Yeah, he’s taking that back too, and tells Dilana she had the best performance of the night. He also says his Dad is at the show tonight, and “thank god for that, because if he wasn’t (weren’t!), he’d be an emotional wreck right now.” Sounds like someone needs a hug. And has some serious daddy issues.

Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three. This week, it’s Patrice, Toby and Zayra. Of course, there’s no way Zayra will stay there, so who will be taking her place in the final bottom three elimination night? My money’s on Storm. Yours?