Rhymes with “Witch”

This was our first night of Rock Star: Supernova without Zayra. Our first night without the possibility of vaginal pyrotechnics. Without histrionical shrieking. Or camel toe. How would the world respond? More importantly, how would the other rockers respond? Who would step forward to carry Zayra’s torch? If not firing up a cooter laser, would any of them at least try lighting their farts? Or Dilana’s, as decomposing flesh and gas is highly combustible. If so, my money’s on Patrice. It’s always the soccer moms you have to watch out for. Brooke opens the show standing with the band, talking about how awesome last week’s performance with Dilana featuring Supernova was. But don’t just take Brooke’s word for it. The producers have a video montage cued up and ready to (rock and) roll. For some reason, they edit out the hoochie footage, but there are still plenty of other things to chuckle over. Namely, the song itself. It’s not bad, but it’s no “PopoZão” either. It’s just not at all what I expected from these guys. Dilana says that after performing with the band last week, she can’t see anyone else playing with them but her. I can’t help but wonder if she said the same thing about the band she played with while performing this classic. (Muchos grassyass to alert reader Happy Homemaker for the tip.)

During song selection, there were two, count ‘em two, original songs up for grabs. Magni opens the session by saying they need to decide who gets the originals first, because nothing else will get done until that’s decided. Taking control. That’s how Magni rocks it.

Ryan wants to do one of the original songs. So does Lukas. And Toby. Storm wants it so badly, she’s willing to put on boxing gloves and fight for it. Patrice says she’ll stand up on her two feet all night long, and not eat or sleep for one of the originals. That may be how they decide things at PTA, Patrice, but this is Rockstar. Either put ‘em up or shut your pie hole.

Magni says since Patrice has been in the bottom three three times, she’s earned the chance to perform an original tune. Everyone agrees to that. But who will get the other? To settle it, Magni suggests a little game he likes to call Thunderdome. “You know the law,” he tells them. “Two men enter, one man leaves.” Except of course, that it’s not just men fighting for the song, as it comes down to Ryan versus Storm. She still wants to fight for it, but Ryan says no way. Personally, I don’t know why Ryan won’t fight her. After all, it’s really a win-win situation for him. If he fights her and wins, he gets the original song and a chance to punch Storm in the face. If he fights her and loses, he still got to punch her in the face.

In the end, though, Storm backs down and agrees to sing “Cryin’” by Aerosmith, because she doesn’t think anyone else can sing it. “Something went off in my head,” she tells us. “I won’t do the original this week. I will do the song, once again, that people are afraid of.” Wow, climb down off the cross, Storm. Someone else needs the wood. I wonder if it ever occurred to her that nobody else wanted the Aerosmith song because it sucks?

Ryan admits he’s a bit worried about doing an original: “Zayra did an original (last week) and went home, so I’m up against the same risk.” Well, not really. Because Patrice is also doing an original. So unless she’s written the world’s rockinest Soccer Mom anthem, I’m pretty sure Ryan is safe.

Next, it’s time for Toby to get some payback, as he and Dilana both want the same song, “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. He says he’ll give it to her if she runs around the pool naked. Sounds fair. After all, he did it last week. To her credit, Dilana does it. Even more to her credit, she does it in the daylight, which can’t be good for her centuries-old complexion. Running around the pool, she kind of reminded me of the naked chick from “Return of the Living Dead.” Except that chick looked hot as a naked zombie. Dilana, on the other hand, looked like an extra on the director’s cut of the “Thriller” video. In fact, she might be the first girl to catch Michael Jackson’s eye since Macaulay Culkin. The best part of the segment? Toby admits later he didn’t even want the song.

Meanwhile, Storm is regretting her song decision. “Cryin’” is a lot harder to sing than she thought it would be. Thank husband for her Verizon wireless phone by LG. She downloads the song and decides it’s an awesome song. Not as awesome as her V-Cast service, but still, pretty awesome nonetheless.

Back to live action… Before TheDave comments on what they just saw, he says he needs to introduce a fifth member of the panel tonight. I thought for sure he was going to talk about Brooke’s pregnancy, but instead he talks about Gilby’s dog. Which is cool, cuz I hate babies. But I love puppies!

TheDave wants to know why, once again, Storm gave in on song selection and didn’t fight for what she really wanted. Whassupwidat? Storm says it’s going to be her biggest lesson and she needs to stop putting other people’s needs first. Especially in a competition like this. Besides, she’s not scared to sing anything. Whatevs. I bet she wouldn’t talk so tough if she had to sing “Axel F” by Crazy Frog.

Next, he asks Patrice about her decision to do an original song. She’s confident about her songwriting, and she wanted to “bring something in, show it, and that’s what she’s here to do.” Other things she’s here to do: test drive a new minivan as soon as the taping is over.

Starting off the night is Patrice, with her original song, “Beautiful Thing.” It’s so happy and poppy and bubblegummy I’m surprised she didn’t have midgets dancing around a giant package of Bubblicious on stage. At least that would’ve been interesting. You know how when there’s somebody you really like, you say you could listen to them sing the phone book? Patrice is sort of like that, except I don’t like her because everything she sings sounds just like she’s singing the phone book. This song is no exception.

TheDave thinks it was a great song, but it’s not right for Supernova. Tommy thinks that even though it’s slightly happy, they can rebuild it. They have the technology. When Jason asks what it was like to perform an original song in front of millions of people, Patrice says it was amazing. She made a pact with her guitar player when she was 19 that she would never have a day job, and so far she’s kept it. I hate when soccer moms dis their responsibilities like that, because being a mom is a full-time job. Just ask sg-dub.

After the break, Magni sings “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana. Yawn. If Magni really wanted to show some balls, he’d have covered Tori Amos’s cover of Nirvana. Instead, he plays it pretty straight. Overall, he does an okay job, but it feels like he’s just putting on a show, and not really singing, if that makes any sense. If not, suck it, because it makes sense to me.

I guess TheDave is going to have to suck it, because he loved Magni’s performance. In fact, it was awesome! Tommy wants to know why Magni didn’t play guitar this week. Magni says it’s because he likes the whole “running around screaming thing” instead of just standing there playing four chords. Wrong answer, Iceman. “Just because you have a guitar doesn’t mean you can’t take it off and smash it,” T-Bag tells him. “You’re not strapped to it the whole song. Play it, get rid of it, smash it, move on,” he says. Ironically, that’s also Tommy’s philosophy of marriage.

TheDave chimes in, saying that Tommy makes a great point. “Before this season ends, I want to see something get broken up there,” he tells the rockers. I wonder if my will to live counts? Because that was broken weeks ago.

Up next is Ryan, bringing his “trademark intensity” to his original tune, “Back of Your Car.” Gee, I wonder what this song is about? No wonder he thought it was perfect for Supernova. Actually, Ryan’s song is pretty cool. TheDave tells Ryan it’s the most rocking he’s ever seen him. He also says it was a great move to trash his guitar mid-song. Although hardly the most original, considering T-Bag had just told Magni to do the same thing. When asked what happened to him over the past few weeks to amp up his angst so much, Ryan tells the band he got laid. Is it just me, or is that not totally backward? How else to explain the nasty undertones of EdHill’s recaps?

Anyway, TheDave says Ryan was the dark horse when the competition started, so he’s going to start calling him Ryan “The Dark Horse” Star. As long as we’re going with a horse theme, let’s figure out who some of the other rockers would be…

Patrice is obviously My Pretty Pony. Dilana, of course, is The Old Gray Mare. Since they eat horses in Iceland, Magni is Meat. Storm would be the Easy Ride’Um Brown Stick Horse because anyone can ride her. And Lukas is Bill the Pony, beloved steed of Samwise Gamgee. Toby would be Foster’s, Australian for beer Horse (Piss).

As for the band, Tommy’s already been compared to a horse numerous times. Well, a certain part of his anatomy has been. Jason would be Quick Draw McGraw, because of his tortured “aw shucks” delivery, while Gilby would by El Kabong, his guitar slinging alter ego. Brooke is going to be Mr. Ed, because there’s something about her being on all fours while begging for a carrot and calling me Wilbur that is tre hot. And while TheDave is just too freakish to be a horse, he does get a horse-related nickname: Catherine the Great. Why? Because if past behavior is any indication of future performance, given the chance TheDave would totally “experiment” with a horse just to prove to himself that he’s not gay for horses.

Back to reality, oops there goes gravity, and Storm is singing “Cryin’ ” by Aerosmith. This song is a perfect example of why rockers should never be allowed to sober up. Before Aerosmith got in program, they rocked. After working their 12 steps, they started writing shit like this. It’s also a perfect example of why Storm needs to go home. Her performance is just not good. In fact, it makes me wish I were drinking right now. Unfortunately, as I’m writing this part of the recap during my lunch hour at work, the best I can sneak in is a handful of ‘shrooms.

TheDave tells Storm he knows what a difficult song that is to sing. “Especially wearing your corset,” she tells him. Ooh, Stormy-snap! T-Bag says it was cool; he only wishes she had less (fewer!) clothes on. TheDave tells Storm to give him corset back. “Come over and take it, bitch!” she tells him. Just get a room, you two! That is, if Tommy doesn’t mind.

Gilby tells Storm she handles challenges real well. What he’s looking for at this point, however, are “extra memorable” performances. Hey, I just realized that Gilby isn’t going to play this week. I hope it wasn’t because he had his dog with him. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about playing in front of your dog, Gilby. He’s seen you naked. If he’ll still hump your leg after that, I think you’re golden. Although, just to be safe, I don’t think I’d play any original Supernova music in front of him just yet.

Dilana’s next, singing “Every Breath You Take” by The Police. I don’t know whether it’s her drag-queen eyelashes or Zayra-worthy outfit, but her performance tonight leaves me colder than her icy beyond-the-grave touch. At one point, she actually starts singing her name over and over, as if she’s subliminally trying to force us to take our own lives. At this point, that doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Overall, it’s a surprisingly ungood performance by our undead songstress. TheDave and the band disagree, however. Ms. Navarro loves her eyelashes. “They make you look like Bambi,” he tells her. “I’ll kick Bambi’s ass,” she says. “And then drain her lifeblood as a sacrifice befitting my dark lord. And then I’ll make a really nice venison chili, with some jalapenos and maybe a little basil. You guys should come. I mean it.”

TheDave thinks if it were a nudity contest between Dilana and Toby, she’d win. Personally, I think he’s just saying that to draw attention away from this. TheDave says next week they’re doing song selection at his pool. Of course, never one to let a chance at some good old fashioned sexual harassment go by, Tommy says he has a pool too. “But mine’s Olympic-size,” TheDave tells him. And just like that, Tommy backs down. I guess they weren’t using their pools as a metaphor for their dicks after all. Or maybe T-Bag remembered a kid once drowned in his pool.

Jason asks Dilana if there were a particular reason she was willing to run nekid around the pool for this particular song. Duh. It’s because stealing the breath of loved ones is the only way she can feel alive. I’m afraid to think of what she’d do to sing “Mother” by Danzig. Actually, she gives some lame answer about how it’s her mother’s favorite song, and she hasn’t talked to her mother in years. Ever since she ripped the still-beating heart from her mother’s chest.

Up next is Toby, singing his own arrangement of “Layla” by Eric Clapton. What is there to say about Toby’s performance that hasn’t already been said about the Unabomber? I have no idea what that means, but I have no idea what to make of Toby tonight either. In the space of two minutes, he transforms from psycho-hoodie to bare-chested hottie. Except he has “EVS” written across his chest. What does “EVS” stand for? Eat Vegemite Sandwiches? Echo Victor Sierra? Earthy Vagina Sniffer? He tells TheDave it’s just short for “whatever” but I’m not buying it.

The last rocker to perform tonight is Lukas. Unfortunately, our local CBS affiliate, KKTV, decided it was more important to tease a story about a sexual predator moving into town than show all of OompaLukas’s performance. I’d have thought the preceding 50 minutes of TheDave would’ve satisfied the station’s sexual predator quota for the night, but what do I know?

Well, I know the little bit of Lukas’s song I did see was typical Lukas. He mumbled, he fixed his hair in the reflection of the lead guitarist’s guitar, he turned his back to the audience… What I don’t know, evidently, is how to judge a performance, because everyone loved the Hobbit’s song tonight. I guess I picked the wrong week to quit smoking pipeweed.

TheDave says his performance was unbelievable. T-Bag has two words for Lukas: Dingle Berry. Actually, he simply says “Check please,” then does his drop-the-mic trick again. Yeah, that never gets old. Just like the look my pharmacist gives me whenever I refill my prescription for Valtrex. Hey bud, it’s not like I got it from your daughter. Although she is a slut.

Anyway, before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three: Patrice, Storm and Toby. Will they be the same when the voting closes?

THE RESULTS

Okay, I’m just doing one recap for Rockstar from now, because I’m a busy, busy boy. Not to mention a lazy, lazy drunk. Actually, I’m just slammed at work. Plus, once I start doing House recaps in a couple of weeks that will mess up the timing of Rockstar, so we may as well get in the habit of doubling up now.

Tonight’s episode starts off with the obligatory recap of last night’s episode, which you just finished reading. So obviously I’m not going to cover that again. We also got a look at the mansionanigans after the show. Dilana starts up with the attitude, telling Ryan he’d have been “nothing” without The House Band. What?! She keeps after him on the patio, asking if he knows why she’s getting more votes than he is. “Because you’re prettier?” he answers. “No,” she says, “it’s because from week one, I’ve been casting a voodoo spell over the voters of the world. You’d be amazed at the powers of a little chicken blood and a simple incantation. Thanks to me, Kofi Anan still runs the United Nations. And Taylor Hicks is your American Idol. Bitches.” Actually, she just says that the voters she picked up on week one are still with her, but I gotta believe she had something to do with Kevin Covais not winning AI this year.

Magni’s had enough of Dilana’s antics, though, and tells her that he and Ryan are growing, and she’s just doing the same thing over and over again. “Running out of ideas, are you?” Ryan asks, before mocking her with an “I need eyelashes!” Ryan, please, do not provoke the Dilana. Have you never seen the episode of Night Gallery where a guy gets an earwig put into his ear, which he survives, only to learn it laid eggs in his brain? Dilana’s like that, only she’ll lay her own eggs in your brain, then eat them for brunch. Seriously dude, she is not to be trifled with.

The next morning, the rockers got to check out some fan sites on Windows Live Spaces. I wish the producers would show them this site. I’d cross post it on Live Spaces, but have I mentioned how lazy I am? Yeah, I’m pretty sure I have. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if I haven’t, because I am pretty lazy.

Some demented fan suggests that perhaps Ryan and Dilana should be co-lead-singers of Supernova. Ryan said he’d rather shoot himself in the head, because he knows shooting Dilana in the head would only piss her off. Can you imagine those two as co-lead-singers, though? It’d be like the Wonder Twins. Ryan: “Form of… Angst!” Dilana: “Shape of… pure unadulterated evil!!”

Back at the club, TheDave extols the virtues of the Internets. “It’s like a big series of tubes,” he says. Actually, he just says it’s cool to have the immediate interaction with your fans. Boring.

Not so boring? Dilana’s turn on the hot seat. TheDave is more than a little shocked at her attitude toward Ryan. She apologizes to Ryan for her words, and says that this week it was her turn to be the big bitch. But, she also says she would hate to be on tour with anybody and have to share the stage. She wants to be the singer for the band. Not one of two singers for the band. She goes on to say that she was not joking when she told Ryan he’d be “nothing” without The House Band. The crowd starts booing, and she immediately takes it back. “Sorry, no, I did not mean what I said,” she says. Wow, not only is she a bitch, she’s a psycho too. Mabye Dilana’s a real girl after all. (Zing!)

TheDave is not happy with her answer. “The reality is, what would any of you be without The House Band?” he asks, none-too-rhetorically. He thinks that Dilana might be a little threatened by The Dark Horse. “No, not at all,” she says. The only one she is threatened by is The Dark Lord. And Tommy’s junk, of course.

TheDave asks Ryan for his reaction to the mansionanigans. He says that what he just heard Dilana say is the most graceful he’s heard her speak in a while. Wow Ryan, passive aggressive much? He goes on to say that Dilana seems to be the frontrunner right now, but maybe she shouldn’t be talking down so much to the other rockers, as it shows disrespect, and for her benefit he thinks she should be more positive when she talks about other people. Sure, Ryan, for her benefit.

Next, we see some footage of the rockers in the studio auditioning for the chance to sing the next new original Supernova song, “Be Yourself and Five Other Clichés.” The winner? Toby. Providing he can keep his shirt on. This song is a big step up from last week’s. And there are no hoochie girls interrupting the performance. Although I was a bit distracted when Toby started humping Jason’s leg. Gilby, on the other hand, thought it was hysterical.

After the break, Brooke sets up our next segment, telling us that fronting a band isn’t just about singing; it’s also about dealing with the press. From there, we get some footage of the rockers being interviewed by a few media hacks. The first guy (Mark Long, host of some show nobody’s heard of called Fox Reality Remix) asks Lukas if he were a fan of Supernova’s growing up. Considering that Supernova is only a few months old, I’d say the answer is no, MARK! Lukas does admit to having losing his cherry while listening to “The Unforgiven” by Metallica. Ironically, he lost it to his father.

Toby gets to talk with Kevin Dickson from In Touch Magazine. He asks if Toby could survive doing a year-long tour. “Depends on what medicines are being created right now,” is Toby’s answer, which Kevin seems to find way more funny than I do. Guess that’s why he writes for In Touch and I’m recapping shows for TVgasm.

Jamie White, from STAR 98.7 FM asks Ryan if he feels Dilana has the edge right now. Just as he starts explaining why he feels she does, he notices Jason walking into the room, and so he quickly hems and haws his way out of it. Lukas won’t tell Kevin who he thinks is faking it, because he doesn’t want to dog anyone. Dilana, however, has no such qualms. She goes on to tell Jamie that she wants to strangle Lukas every day, and at least once a day wants to punch his lights out. When Jamie tells Lukas what Dilana had to say, he is quite the disturbed little hobbit. Next, Dilana tells Kevin she thinks Toby is just along for the ride and Magni is really set on being with his family. Later, she tries to brush it off by saying she’s just trying to win a contest, but the damage has already been done. Dilana, I dub thee Dibitch.

Back in the club, TheDave is speechless. He asks Dilana what the hell was she thinking? She says that Jamie misquoted her in her remarks toward Lukas, and that what she really said was she wanted to save him, and sometimes she feels like a “mother dove” who wants to take him under her wing and protect him. Lukas interrupts her, saying “I don’t need a dove, by the way. The protection of my old friend Gandalf the Grey is good enough for me.”

Dilana says she’s not a professional person that’s been in interviews; she’s been a singer her entire life, and she screwed up. She’s just a human being (sort of), and she apologizes to anyone she’s offended (sort of). Finally, she promises to learn from her mistakes. “Fair enough,” says TheDave. “But why would you say those things?” Dilana’s answer? She’s too honest, and doesn’t know how to lie. Nor does she know how to control her insatiable lust for brains, which is why Jamie hasn’t been seen since Interview Day.

Lukas says he’s not surprised by what he heard. “I have to live with that everyday,” he says. “Literally. And I’m bigger than that.” We know he’s lying now, because Lukas isn’t bigger than anything.

Still with me? Good, because it’s finally time for the eliminations. I’ll try to be brief.

At the end of last night’s show, Patrice, Storm and Toby were in the bottom three. Also joining them later at one point during the voting was Magni. He’s the first to perform tonight. To save his behind, he’s going to sing “Fire” by Jimi Hendrix. And he’s playing his guitar. What do you bet he does something crazy with it? Overall, it’s a pretty energetic performance. Certainly good enough to keep him around another week. I wish he’d have set his guitar on fire, though. Although that’s probably frowned upon since the whole Great White incident a few years back.

Patrice is next. And if the band hadn’t already decided to send her home tonight, in my opinion her version of “Middle of the Road” by The Pretenders left them no choice. It was bad. As in not good. It was also the perfect choice for her, as she has been nothing but middle of the road this entire contest.

That means it’s down to Storm or Toby for the final spot in the bottom three. Amazingly, it’s Toby. He promises to keep his shirt on during his cover of “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots. It’s passable. And the band agrees, sending him back to an early seat.

Gilby tells Patrice that they can’t ignore the fact that it’s her fourth trip to the bottom three. Of course, Magni’s also been in the bottom three for the past two weeks. But enough of Gilby’s jibber-jabber. What does the Tommy Hawk think? He thinks that since the fans buy their tickets, they have to listen to them, and therefore the band has cancelled their upcoming tour. Also, Patrice is cut.

Surprised? I’m not. Although I did expect Storm to be in the bottom three. As for next week, do you think Dilana’s attitude will hurt her? Or is her kung-fu to strong to be overcome by mere mortals such as Ryan and Magni? And just what type of magick might Lukas of the Shire throw her way? Enquiring minds want to know.