Rock Is Like A Box Of Chocolates

Am I just crazy, or at end of last week’s episode of Rock Star: Supernova didn’t the band say that this week the rockers would each be given a new Supernova tune to write lyrics for? Hold on, let me check: no, I’m not crazy. They said it. But for some strange reason, they seem to have forgotten they said it. Still, when you consider their collective partying history, I guess it’s not that strange that they forgot it. At this point in their careers, we should just be glad they remember to show up for the tapings every week.

And to wear pants.

Anyway, for whatever reason, we didn’t get to hear any new Supernova songs this week. Instead, we got the usual assortment of songs: some good, some bad, and some Zayra. Brooke welcomes us to the show, and introduces Tommy as “Mr. Hell Yeah!” I know it’s been a while since I did any RAW recaps, but wasn’t “Hell Yeah!” Stone Cold Steve Austin’s catchphrase? What’s next? Will TheDave start ending his segment by asking if we can smell what TheDave is cooking?

I hope not, because I have a feeling it would smell like children.

It wouldn’t be a proper recap without a weather advisory.

Before we get to tonight’s performances, Brooke gives us a look at what happened in the mansion over the past week. Magni received a special delivery from Iceland in the form of his wife and child. At least I think it’s his wife. But since the producers never say for certain, we’ll just say Magni receives a special visit from his baby mama and baby baby.

Five rockers and a baby.

The rockers are seen working on their songs for this week. Except for Zayra, who’s shown working on her wardrobe. “What I wear onstage, I do it more for myself,” she tells us. “I want to see excitement, I want to see fantasy.” Which is good, because that’s exactly what her dreams of being the lead singer for Supernova are: fantasy. “I want to wow myself,” she continues. “And if people get wowed by it, perfect.” Is it just me, or is this segment starting to sound very pornish? The only thing missing is a pizza delivery guy and a “boom-chicka-bow-wow” soundtrack.

Lukas says that this week he’s going to show a different side of his voice: intelligible. Actually, he says more heartfelt and not as angry. But I’d settle for intelligible.

Dilana oversees the song selection process. First up for bid: “Won’t Get Fooled Again” by The Who, with Gilby on guitar. Toby says he thought about going for it, but then started to worry that performing with Gilby might backfire on him. Which kind of goes contrary to the whole point of the show, TOBY! Amazingly, nobody wants to perform with Gilby. Maybe they’re afraid that Jill will hump their leg? Dilana asks the group four times if anyone besides her wants the song, and they all say “no”. You know TheDave is not going to be happy with their collective lack of testicles.

Josh says it’s not always a good thing to jump on the band’s songs, citing Patrice’s position in the bottom three following her performance with Tommy Lee. The big difference there, however, is that Patrice is Patrice.

Time for this week’s shameless-yet-awkward product promotion, as Dilana downloads her song on V-Cast, then gets a special V-Cast message from Gilby on her V-Cast phone. What are the odds? All that mentioning of “V” reminds me of that old series V, about aliens who look like humans but are actually mice-chugging reptiles. Dilana is totally a mouse-chugger.

Guitar-cam!

Remember when I said TheDave was not going to be happy? Yeah, I was wrong. Because TheDave is worse than not happy; he is downright pissed! He can’t believe that nobody fought for the song. “What the hell is wrong with you guys?” he asks. “You have an opportunity to play a song with Gilby Clark, guitar player for Supernova, the very band you’re auditioning for… After what we said to you last week about nobody jumping in to play with Tommy, and nobody wanted this song except Dilana? If it were up to me, and you guys are lucky it’s not, if it were up to me, Dilana would win this thing right now!”

Oh how I wish it were up to TheDave. Clearly Dilana is the best singer in this competition. And if they ended it tonight, that would save me from having to recap this show 19 more times. Please give it to Dilana. Pretty please?

BITCHES!!

Incredibly, some of the other rockers just shake their heads at TheDave’s anger. (I’m talking to you, STORM!) Odd. Anyway, it’s time for Dilana to perform. Overall, I’d say tonight she was a bit underwhelming. But thanks to the help of He Who Must Not Be Named, even Dilana’s underwhelming is better than 99% of the other contestants.

TheDave likes it: “That didn’t look like an audition. It looked like a rock show!” Yes, Mr. Navarro, but was it awesome? Then he tells the other contestants that could’ve been them up there. “As if it didn’t suck enough to follow Dilana before, now you’ve got to follow Dilana with Gilby Clarke. That’s really gotta suck.” Other things TheDave believes gotta suck: my continued use of this picture in every recap.

Dilana tells Tommy that playing with Gilby was definitely a dream-come-true. That’s one of the reasons she went for that song. “I want to turn around some day and say ‘I played with Gilby Clarke’.” Fortunately for Dilana, I made a special t-shirt to commemorate the moment. Gilby is so impressed he tells Dilana that he has no doubt a woman can front their band. Especially if they don’t hump his leg.

Cannonball!

Speaking of leg-humpers, Jill is up next, singing “Mother Mother” by Tracy Bonham. I don’t know what’s wrong with Jill tonight, but with her outfit and mannerisms she is she totally putting out a Rebecca Corry-vibe. Except I actually laugh at Jill. Instead of using Last Comic Standing as a reference, TheDave says Jill reminds him of Carmella Soprano, and he’s afraid to say anything negative because he might get whacked. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but TheDave probably isn’t either.

Ryan Star is going to sing “Paint It Black” by The Rolling Stones. At least I think it’s Ryan. That, or the producers will just let any wackjob with a black hoodie and a mic get up on stage. Except for the freakshow entrance, it’s actually a really good performance. Maybe the theatrics played better in the club, but on television, his entrance was kind of silly. Especially on my new Sharp AQUOS HDTV. The band and TheDave all loved Ryan’s performance. Gilby says he doesn’t know what happened, but the last couple weeks Ryan has been killing it. Tommy says he knows exactly what happened: Ryan got laid because of last week’s performance. You can always count on Tommy to remind us of the important things in life. He should really consider starting his own line of greeting cards.

In the Hall of the Raccoon King.

Brooke says we’ve seen Storm’s theatrical side, or, as TheDave calls it, her “crazy-eyes-thing.” Storm is singing “We Are The Champions” by Queen. It’s ai’ght. TheDave and Jason both liked it, as does Tommy, but he’s worried that they might have scared her into toning it down too much. Not to worry, as Storm promises to spank the crap out of them next week. I hope she dresses as a teacher.

While we’re on the subject of Storm, there’s something about her that really bugs me: what’s up with her dancing during every song? She is so totally that girl you see at every club. You know the one I’m talking about. Sloppy drunk, standing in front of the speakers, oversinging the words to every song, spilling her drink everywhere, rubbing her tits up against you… Come to think of it, I like seeing Storm dance through everyone’s song.

Sit down, woman!

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Zayra! Brooke says every week the world has two questions: “What’s the weather like?” and “Do these pants make my butt look big?” Actually, the second question is what is Zayra going to be wearing next. Tonight, it’s a sparkly gold body suit, black platform shoes and matching stovepipe hat. I think it might be the same one Daniel Day Lewis wore in “Gangs of New York”. I just hope that Leo doesn’t bumrush the stage and kill her mid-performance.

On your mark…

Get set…

Suck!

As for the song, she’s singing “All The Young Dudes” by David Bowie, with Magni on guitar. (I guess that’s how he’s paying for his family’s plane tickets. That, or he lost a big bet.) A lot of you have been giving me grief for jumping so firmly on the Zayra bandwagon (none more so than the one and only mrs. copygodd), but after witnessing tonight’s performance (not to mention outfit) how can you blame me? Zayra has it all, as long as you don’t define “all” as to include any actual talent. But she does sport a mean camel toe. At times I think she’s actually singing “Hey Jude” instead of her chosen song, but that’s just what makes Zayra so Zayra.

TheDave says if the show were called Rock Star: Planet Pluto, she’d win by a landslide. Gilby says he’s digging her showmanship, but she needs to watch her tone, as she was flat during a lot of her performance. Jason gets straight to the point: “Did you wow yourself?” Zayra says yes! Maybe those Ben Wa balls really do work.

Zayra got back.

Josh is up next, singing “Interstate Love Song” by STP. Just as he’s getting ready to start, Tommy Lee interrupts and says he wants to play the drums. And just like that, T-Lee is banging the skins. (Skinbanger would be a better name for this band.) I don’t know if it’s the fact that he’s playing in front of Tommy or that he’s playing a guitar and not doing his funky white boy thing, but Josh seems a little off tonight. Tommy agrees, saying he wished Josh weren’t playing guitar during that song, because it “freezes up his funk.” Hey, maybe I should’ve done that before I got my vasectomy a few weeks back. Based on my standings in the Moderator poll, I bet I could get a pretty penny for some frozen funk on eBay.

After the break, it’s Magni’s turn. Tonight, he’s doing an acoustic version of “The Dolphin’s Cry” by Live. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it here or not, but I hate Live. So I’m not really a fair judge of Magni’s performance. I will say it’s better than Live’s version, though. But really, that’s like saying Gary Gulman is funnier than explosive diarrhea. Which he is. Barely.

Patrice is up next. Last week she was in the bottom three, despite playing with Tommy Lee. This week, she’s singing “Instant Karma” by John Lennon. She does a good job giving it a more modern feel, but it’s pretty obvious that Patrice isn’t going to win this competition. It’s not that she can’t sing; she just has the charisma and stage presence of The Invisible Man. TheDave thinks it was an excellent song choice for Patrice, and Gilby says it was a great performance. I’m still not buying it, though.

Just two more rockers to go. First up is Lukas of the Shire. Brooke says that Supernova thinks he brings a star quality to the stage, but last week his star faded a bit when he forgot the lyrics to his song. Of course, it didn’t help that he totally sucked with the words he remembered. This week, he hopes to redeem himself by singing “Creep” by Radiohead. Irony, thy name is Lukas Gamgee.

Lukas displays proper mic etiquette.

My reaction to Lukas’ performance tonight vexes me. I’m totally vexed. Maybe it’s because I can actually understand what he’s saying for once. Maybe it’s because I think he really is a creep. Or maybe it’s just the pipeweed. But I actually like Lukas this week. Eh, it’s gotta be the pipeweed.

Last up is Toby, singing “Burning Down The House” by the Talking Heads. His arrangement is a bit more electric than the Heads’ version, and it’s pretty cool. Until he brings out the megaphone. Not because using a megaphone is cheesedick or anything; but rather because it’s draped in an Australian flag. On the plus side, he does have Zayra bring it out to him. It’s just too bad she’s not dressed as a pizza delivery man.

As for Toby’s performance, TheDave thinks the megaphone is clichéd. Jason, however, didn’t mind it. And Gilby likes seeing Toby change things up. Other things Gilby likes seeing: Jill legally required to stay at least 20 yards away from his leg at all times.

Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three. This week, it’s Jill, Zayra and Patrice. I think that’s a fair bottom three. Except for Zayra, of course. What are your thoughts?