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Thursday, September 7, 2006
9:23 pm
21 Comments
With just two weeks left, the pressure on the five remaining rockers of Rock Star: Supernova has never been greater; the stakes, never higher. I would say it’s time for the contestants to go balls-to-the-wall, but mrs. copygodd hates that phrase, so instead I’ll go with the one I made up for her to use around the office: full-tits-gonzo.
Of course, going full-tits-gonzo would seem to give a slight edge to Storm Large, since she’s nothing but tits (albeit fake tits glued to the body of a teenage boy), but, to paraphrase one of the most overused sayings of 2006, tits is what tits is. Brooke welcomes us to tonight’s episode, dressed like a reject from Pregnant Referees Gone Wild. The skull and crossbones belt buckle is a nice touch, though. She says that tonight’s show will separate the great from the truly amazing. The living from the dead. The humans from the hobbits.
“We are in the final stretch of Rock Star,” she tells us. After a few quick introductions, Brooke gets right down to business, rubbing our face in the fact that Ryan was prematurely sent home last week. The crowd is still upset about it, and lets her know with a smattering of boos and one lone gasoline-fueled self-immolation. Geez, even the crowd for this show is full of poseurs.
Brooke says we don’t need to worry about Ryan, however, because as of right now, he has the Top Three music downloads on msn.com. Wow, who knew msn had a download site?
Brooke warns us that next week is Rock Star’s “massive” finale. That means the rockers are thinking and rethinking their every move. For example, Dilana has “adapted” ten more black cats from local animal shelters, Lukas has shaved his toes and Storm is starving herself for another round of nude photos for the Internets.
Before we get to tonight’s performances, though, it’s time for some mansionanigans… After last week’s show, Dilana was still upset about her first time in the bottom three, and her horrible elimination-night performance. She says she forgot all the lyrics, which would explain her weird aria in the in the middle of the song. That, or she was channeling Shibigoth of the Seventh Realm again. She thinks it was the worst performance of her life, and she’s not proud of it. Obviously, she’s forgetting about this.
The next day, the rockers get to attend a songwriting clinic with Gilby. Lukas makes sure to mention how they rolled into Gibson in their new Hondas. While I’m sure both companies are delighted to have a hobbit as their celebrity endorser, they’d probably have preferred either Frodo or Samwise pimping their shit.
My Dinner with Dilana.
At Gibson, each rocker gets to work one-on-one with Gilby on an original song. He really likes what Toby puts together, but is disappointed in Lukas’s lack of preparation. His harshest criticism, however, is saved for Dilana. Sounds like someone’s got himself a brand new a +12 Repel Demon Attack spell.
Since Dilana knows Gilby thinks she has the weakest songwriting kung-fu, you’d think she’d at least try to earn some suck-ass points by writing a song about Chopper, Gilby’s dog. Of course, you’d be wrong. Instead, she writes a fun little ditty about much she hates the Internet fans. In her words, it was “basically a ‘fuck you’ kind of song.” I don’t know how they do things in South Africa, my undead songstress, but here in ‘merica, we don’t piss off the people who sign our checks. It’s called “don’t shit where you eat.” Or as Senator Ted Stevens, (R) AK, would say, “don’t upset the people at the other end of that big series of tubes.”
Still, she does get a few points for not writing an ode to the BTK Killer.
It’s song selection time. This week, in addition to the five songs on the board, there’s also a letter to the rockers. That letter? Q. Actually, it says the rockers will get to do their own set this week, with one of the five songs on the board, and one original piece. At first, everyone’s happy about the chance to do an original, until Dilana points out that Zayra, Ryan and Patrice all did originals, and they’re all gone. Someone get her a pint of O-negative, stat! Dilana’s a real buzzkill when she hasn’t fed.
Later, during rehearsals, Dilana decides to “change up” her song, “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. Evidently, in 27 previous lifetimes, she’s never heard the song before. Paul, the leader of The House Band, is not happy. “When people come in and want to change songs, without knowledge of what is was before, they’re changing it from a position of ignorance.” When she sees that clip in the club, Dilana looks pretty upset. If I were Paul, I’d make sure not to leave any hair or fingernail clippings where Dilana can get them.
Again with the tongue.
Finally, it’s time for the performances to start. First up is Dilana, Brooke tells us that earlier in rehearsal, Dilana ripped a calf muscle. But instead of hobbling out on crutches like the rest of us would, she’s conjured a large black man to carry her out on stage. I think it’d have been much cooler to conjure the reanimated corpse of Christopher Reeve, but that’s just me.
Dilana’s first song is her rearranged version of “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. Over the course of this season, I haven’t made a secret of my dislike for The Who. That said, I do like this song. I only wish I could say the same for Dilana’s version of it. At one point, she even changes the lyrics to “No one knows what it’s like to be the bad girl, to be the sad girl, behind dead eyes.” And of course, Storm, being the camera-whore that she is, stands up and jumps around during the entire song. I hate her.
Sit. The. Fuck. Down.
Next up is Dilana’s original. She says it stems from all the trouble she’s been going through the past few weeks. “If I’m not the singer for Supernova,” she says, “I promise I’ll keep going. Because I have a Super Soul.” And by Super Soul, of course, she’s referring to the soul of Pope Leo IIVX, whom she slaughtered in the 13th century using a ceremonial dagger carved from the bones of a Lurker Demon.
Listening to the song, I can see why Gilby thinks her lyrics are too literal. When she sings the line “I could’ve killed you in your sleep” the producers cut to TheDave, who looks more than a little scared. And if you can scare a guy who regularly dresses like this, you know you’re friggin’ scary. (Muchos thanks to Ms. Tumnus from the Forums for the photoshop work.)
TheDave thinks it’s commendable that she still performed despite her injury. He wasn’t crazy about her original, however. T-Lee, on the other hand, thought it was “bangin”. And Jason reminds her that “strong will and effort are super-important in this game”. Other things Jason finds super-important: juice boxes.
Up next is Magni. First, he’s covering “Back in the USSR” by The Beatles. The past few weeks, Magni’s been growing on me, much like a particularly noticeable genital wart. But his cover is tapioca at best. Storm loves it, though, judging by the fact that she won’t sit down. Or maybe she’s just shifting her Ben Wa balls.
Unfortunately, while it’s more modern and rockin’, Magni’s original song isn’t much better. It’s called “When the Time Comes.” And it makes me long for the time to come when it’s over.
TheDave calls him “molten hot Magni”. He thought Magni’s Beatles song was killer, and that the original was the most aggressive he’s ever heard Magni’s voice. Tommy, however, thinks Magni’s performances tonight were exactly the same. Why would that be? “Both of those songs were sung by me,” is Magni’s snappish response. So impressed was TheDave with the Magnitude, he threw out a rare “Oh, snap!” at T-Bag.
Storm is our next rocker to take the stage. Tonight, she’s going to sing “Suffragette City” by David Bowie. TheDave is so excited by Storm’s song choice he decides to join her on stage. Dilana is not happy that TheDave chose to play with Storm instead of her, and immediately begins brewing up a fresh batch of Furnunculus to slip into Storm’s drink back at the mansion.
Unfortunately, not even TheDave’s presence could elevate this song much above tepid. But it was still way better than Storm’s original, called “What the What is Ladylike”. Seriously. I’ll tell you what the what isn’t Ladylike: Storm’s figure. I bet she’s always wearing such loose pants because she tucks.
Unbelievably, TheDave tells Storm she’s one of the best performers he’s ever played with. Even more unbelievably, he says Storm’s original song is his favorite from both seasons of Rock Star. It sounds like Storm’s been studying Dilana’s spell-books during the day.
T-Bag calls her “Storm Triple Extra Large” which sounds like he’s ordering condoms. He also says the song is “vvvvhhmmvv!” (Translation: It’s got a good beat and I can bang to it.)
Up next is Lukas of the Shire. Tonight, he’ll be playing a rearranged version of “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon of the Jovi. Lukas’s performance is very “un” tonight: unrecognizable, unintelligible and unentertaining. And I’m being very unmean when I say that.
Even for a Canadian, that’s some good technique.
As for his original, it’s called “Headspin”, although a more accurate title would be “Make My Tummy Spin”. The lyrics, and his delivery, are very emo. And by emo, of course, I mean emo phillips. The song is about his mommy, so I won’t dis on it too much, because family is very important to hobbits. If only enunciation were half as important.
TheDave says that Lukas has already shown himself to be a fun, energetic performer, but tonight he showed us a powerful, emotional, heavy-handed side of him. “That’s a stadium-full-of-lighters song,” he says, before correcting himself. “I guess it’s a stadium full of cell phones now. Back in my day it was lighters.” Then he does an old man imitation. I only wish it had ended with him yelling “hey you hobbit, get off my stage!” T-Bag asks the crowd if they dug the song, but never says if he did or not. And Gilby says he gets inspired watching Lukas perform. Other things that inspire Gilby: this.
I told you to sit down, bitch!
Tonight’s final performer is Toby. Brooke says he’s emerged as a serious contender over the past few weeks. But does the fun-living Aussie have what it takes to go the distance? We’re about to find out. Sort-of. Because the finale isn’t until next week. But that’s just picking nits.
Toby’s first song is “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers. It’s a decent version, but it doesn’t touch Marty’s cover from last season. As for his original, “Throw It Away” is easily the best song of the night, with a catchy sing-along chorus and lots of hooky-hooks. It reminds me of something the Offspring might have done, back when they didn’t suck. During his performance, he runs through the crowd and ends up back where T-Bag and the boys are sitting. Which turns out to be a huge mistake, as Tommy immediately begins playing with his ass. And here I thought TheDave would’ve been the first one to hit on the male contestants.
Speaking of TheDave, he says there are two things Toby needs to know. One, “evs” is no longer an Australian saying. And two, his original song is instantaneously memorable. But is that necessarily a good thing? Those “Head On” commercials are instantaneously memorable too. T-Bag says Toby was “bad beepin’ ass.” I hope he’s talking about the performance and not Toby’s actual ass. I’m sure Toby’s hoping the same thing. Gilby says that every time Toby performs, he puts the fun in rock and roll. And Jason ends by telling Toby he somehow “takes people in and embraces them, and that’s magical.” Evs.
Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the order of the final five after the first few minutes of voting. In order of popularity, it’s Toby, Lukas, Magni, Storm and Dilana. Will that order hold through Elimination Night? We’re about to find out.
THE RESULTS
Dilana, Lukas and Storm were the bottom three. Storm was sent home. I wish I had a better recap for this episode, but someone (my money’s on our cat, Beavis) unplugged my TiVo, so I didn’t get to watch it. Thanks a lot, BEAVIS!
TV Social
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21 Comments
This show is so fucking boring now–I’m not going to watch the finale. The Nova crew is just plain embarrassing.
’bout time Storm left.
I also have to agree with ?? on the forums that Toby’s original is alot like Ashley Simpsons L-O-V-E. And of course we all know how hardcore Ashley is. As I told my BFS (Bitchy Friend w/ syndromes) While I wouldn’t be against licking him, going to see him live would be too much. He’s much to pop for this gig.
Dilana’s spark is gone. I don’t know, maybe living on the surface is killing her slowly (here’s to hoping!) Neither of her songs had any memorable anything to them. She’s gone.
Magni, I don’t understand the bands love of this guy. My BFS and I always start talking during his performances. If he was that good wouldn’t he hold an audience?
Lukas my love. Yes, I am a hobbit lover. I HATE the song LOAP by bon jovi, but I dug his version – I will admit however that even though I understand hobbit speak for the first part of the song I thought he was ordering from a drive-thru. Mumble much? Although Toby’s song had a great hook, Lukas’ song is the one that everyone at work was humming. I do believe that my boyfriend Lukas is gonna win this one. He may not be everyones choice, but he fits best with the band. Honestly – The other four are just too milque-toast.
Even the queen of the dead.
Hopefully they will let him re-arrange the crappy stuff they (SN) have been giving us on this show. If they don’t their album is gonna suck as much as INXS’ w/ JD does. My BFS thinks that maybe they are misdirecting us and they won’t put out any of the stuff they are playing. (Again here’s to hoping)
Hobbit Love Forever.
pbd
No no coppygodd, Mucho thanks to you.
Great recap as always.
I really don’t get the Dilana=Undead thing. I do get the sense that whoever’s reviewing this show really doesn’t like it and it comes across in the review.
I mean, I don’t really care for it like I did when it first came on, but I am still interested to see who wins.
Dilana lost her spark? Put down the pipeweed. She was lame in mid season but is back to embracing her undeadness instead of channeling Cyndi Lauper. Calling out the internet haters was ballsy. Must be the other part she took from that pope.
LOAP in 3/4 time would have been way cooler if a – he didn’t do it and/or b – the Steward of Gondor sprayed him with oil and set him on fire.
In the end, I think it will be Lukas who will win. Toby won’t win, because he will get better groupies than the rest (i.e., not in AARP). They don’t need that competition. Dilana can’t necromance “with the lights on.” MAgni is too sane. Lukas – well Lukas can only improve the SN songs we’ve heard so far – by making them unintelligible.
Sturm and drang, dude? I am impressed. Was somebody paying attention in lit class?
Bad cat, Beavis! Bad cat! (I know it doesn’t do any good but you gotta vent.)
And kudos to Ms Tumnus for the photoshop work.
I don’t think it matters who wins this thing ’cause the band is going to suck no matter what. But I still enjoy the recaps!
whachoo talkin’ about, jamilah? i love this show. and like all things i love, i also happen to love making fun of it.
at our house, it’s not a good dinner until i’ve made the wife cry at least twice. that’s how she knows i really care.
The Hobbit cannot win this.
Seriously, if you shell out big coin for concert tickets, wouldn’t it be nice to understand a word or two of the lyrics?
I can’t imagine listening to him grunt and mumble his way through 8 or 10 songs in a row. I would imagine blood would spontaneously flow from your ears.
Maybe that’s part of Dilana’s master plan.
Of course copygodd loves the show. Loves to make fun of it.
There is no way I could shell out big bucks to sit and witness the spectacle of Lukas or Dilana “perform” for an entire set. Good god!
As I said in the forums, prior to their first gig SN will make their new singer take vocal training. And since Lukas’s only flaw is enunciating that will be rectified with the training he will get. Everyone else is BORING…vocal lessons can’t help with that.
pbd
Good riddance to the Storm. I was tired of her discomforting awkwardness on stage.
My guess is that the band likes Magni because he genuinely has a voice. He hits the notes, and he’s always strong. That’s much more than can be said for Lukas of the Shire.
Of course, image is a big part of this competition, and Magni just doesn’t have the self-conscious anger, melodrama, or angst to be a pseudo rocker. Lukas has the corner on that market. And also the male makeup/hair product market.
Awww, Beavis is a shweetie!
I predicted a few weeks back, not sure if it was here, that Dilana’s ignorance about rock “standards” was pretty shocking given the fact that this is her, you know, profession, and limited creative abilities (i.e., crap lyrics), would be a problem for her. Though I’m not sure why they’re only calling her on it now. Oh well, better late than never. I do like her energy, but there’s probably a reason why we’ve never heard of her before.
Don’t care who wins, but it’s not because I bored with the show, just don’t have a favourite, as they all have their strengths and weaknesses. One thing I do like about this show is that it’s pretty hard to predict the boots.
Don’t get all the naysayers, I think this show is a hoot. Way more entertaining tha BBAS that’s fo sure.
During the results show, they gave Toby a car. He won..something. I don’t remember. What I do remember is Brooke saying “we’d love to give out cars all night,” but the time had come to get down to business. See, if she’d been quicker-witted, she’d have said, “….but I’m not Oprah.”
On a positive note, Supernova performed a song that I actually liked for a change. So they’re 1-for-3. Also, TheDave congratulated Brooke on her pregnancy, and didn’t claim it was his.
Oh! Almost forgot to comment on Dilana’s one-legged hopping on stage. I swear I laughed out loud. “Sing your song HOPPING! Sister!”
lol, I’m laughing again just remembering it. Jesus that was funny. She’s trying to look all badass, hopping on one foot, tossing her crutches away like she’s gonna tough it out. Good gravy.
And one more thing. Jason cried during Stormy’s version of “Wish You Were Here.” That just creeps me out. Jason gives me the oogies.
Maybe Dilana’s losing her mojo because she hasn’t sacrificed enough kitties to the underlord or something since the show started. I honestly thought she was going to take this thing when it started, then I thought it was going to come down to Ryan, Magni or Toby, until they kicked Ryan to the curb. I thought Ryan really rocked with his acrobatic version of “Clocks”. Crap, the man started out slow, jumped around the stage, slid across the piano and started right back where he left off without missing a beat! And Jason basically accused him of showing the band up and dumped him for it. WTF dude! Not many concerts I’d pay for but that would be one of them. Oh well. Then again, I was a HUGE Mig and Marty fan last year too, so something tell me the Janet Charleton(sp?) rumor is true and the Hobbit is going to win after all even though Supernova is denying up and down that he’s not. They’ve been praising his unintelligible ass way too much even though you can’t tell a damn word he’s saying.
By the way, love the photo of him showing how to swallow a mike right. LOL I had to clean my screen. That should teach me to drink and read with you guys!
The reason Storm was crying at the end of her song, and maybe Jason as well, Storm’s mother died when she was young, and she was raised by her marine father and brothers. She sang that song in memory of her mother. I watched the FoxReality.com interview with Kennedy she had afterward. She also told Kennedy she’s a tomboy who never grew boobs and that’s why she bought bolt-ons. She said she grew boobs at 34(?) I think it was. LOL She was quite the sweetheart actually. Ryan’s interview was also very sweet. If you have ITunes, or even if you don’t, download ITunes, subscribe to FoxReality.com for free and watch the interview. I found it surfing for free podcasts after listened to Tim’s Project Runway Podcast and wondering what other podcasts there were for free there might be that were good. I wonder how long it will be before I find TVGasm up there???? LOL
I finally figured out who Storm sounds like: Lisa Marie Presley. The same swallowing of her words.
Dilana’s probably exhausted. This show has been intensely sexist, and that can wear a girl down. Supernova sucks, too, which can make it difficult to stay wired for sound and ready for rockin’.
Whatever. The old boys are going to dump her, as they’re just too insecure. But she’s been the only one with any serious musical talent this season.
I don’t disagree that there has been a lot of questionable comments, but they pretty much all come from Tommy, and the guy is just too ridiculous (not to mention braindead) to be offensive. And believe me, I do get offended by a lot of what I see on television and advertising.
However, it’s a stretch to project your complaints with the show onto Dilana. She may have a problem with it, but maybe she doesn’t. When they went to Vegas, she made a point of telling Tommy she likes to party and hang with the boys, could be a ploy, or maybe that’s just how she rolls. Who knows.
As for her serious musical talent, she’s seriously ignorant about music, which most serious musicians make a point of being informed about, and she writes seriously idiotic lyrics about girls and boys partying with lotion and thongs. I do think she’s a strong performer, but like I said, they all have their strengths and weaknesses.
“As for her serious musical talent, she’s seriously ignorant about music….”
I think we need to remember that American rock isn’t the only music on the planet. Dilana knows a lot, she’s more versatile than most, and she’s more talented than Supernova. I have to agree that she poses too much of a threat to be the chosen one.
“I really don’t get the Dilana=Undead thing.”
Nor do I. For all the cultural blather about individualism, most Americans are pretty intolerant of difference.
Actually I was thinking more of the two songs by The Who, she claims she’s never heard. Not American, and kinda like one of the most important bands of the 60s and early 70s pretty much no matter where you lived. And even if somehow she’s managed to escape hearing them, educating themselves about music is what musicians do. And Gilby’s comments about the literalism of her lyrics were bang-on, and should be taken as constructive.
As for the undead stuff. The whole poing of TVgasm is to take the piss out of anyone on a reality tv show. Has nothing to do with intolerance.
P.S. You should check out some of Dilana’s old videos. Surprisingly pop. She barely looks like the same person.
When Dilana was showcasing her complete non-talent for writing with Gilby, did she actually sing “Ctrl+Alt+Delete”???
What a ‘tard.
Every one of them suck, and what’s funny is that ALL of their originals are better than any of the crap Stupernova has played. Man, watching Jason play with them is just painful.
Sickest moment of the season was when T-Lee said, “Hey man, I got a pool too” – wtf??? Have some decency you scumbag, you let a little kid DROWN in that pool while you were doing drugs in the kitchen with the other “parents”. Disgusting.
When Dilana was showcasing her complete non-talent for writing with Gilby, did she actually sing “Ctrl+Alt+Delete”???
What a ‘tard.
Every one of them suck, and what’s funny is that ALL of their originals are better than any of the crap Stupernova has played. Man, watching Jason play with them is just painful.
Sickest moment of the season was when T-Lee said, “Hey man, I got a pool too” – wtf??? Have some decency you scumbag, you let a little kid DROWN in that pool while you were doing drugs in the kitchen with the other “parents”. Disgusting.