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With just two weeks left, the pressure on the five remaining rockers of Rock Star: Supernova has never been greater; the stakes, never higher. I would say it’s time for the contestants to go balls-to-the-wall, but mrs. copygodd hates that phrase, so instead I’ll go with the one I made up for her to use around the office: full-tits-gonzo.
Of course, going full-tits-gonzo would seem to give a slight edge to Storm Large, since she’s nothing but tits (albeit fake tits glued to the body of a teenage boy), but, to paraphrase one of the most overused sayings of 2006, tits is what tits is. Brooke welcomes us to tonight’s episode, dressed like a reject from Pregnant Referees Gone Wild. The skull and crossbones belt buckle is a nice touch, though. She says that tonight’s show will separate the great from the truly amazing. The living from the dead. The humans from the hobbits.
“We are in the final stretch of Rock Star,” she tells us. After a few quick introductions, Brooke gets right down to business, rubbing our face in the fact that Ryan was prematurely sent home last week. The crowd is still upset about it, and lets her know with a smattering of boos and one lone gasoline-fueled self-immolation. Geez, even the crowd for this show is full of poseurs.
Brooke says we don’t need to worry about Ryan, however, because as of right now, he has the Top Three music downloads on msn.com. Wow, who knew msn had a download site?
Brooke warns us that next week is Rock Star’s “massive” finale. That means the rockers are thinking and rethinking their every move. For example, Dilana has “adapted” ten more black cats from local animal shelters, Lukas has shaved his toes and Storm is starving herself for another round of nude photos for the Internets.
Before we get to tonight’s performances, though, it’s time for some mansionanigans… After last week’s show, Dilana was still upset about her first time in the bottom three, and her horrible elimination-night performance. She says she forgot all the lyrics, which would explain her weird aria in the in the middle of the song. That, or she was channeling Shibigoth of the Seventh Realm again. She thinks it was the worst performance of her life, and she’s not proud of it. Obviously, she’s forgetting about this.
The next day, the rockers get to attend a songwriting clinic with Gilby. Lukas makes sure to mention how they rolled into Gibson in their new Hondas. While I’m sure both companies are delighted to have a hobbit as their celebrity endorser, they’d probably have preferred either Frodo or Samwise pimping their shit.
At Gibson, each rocker gets to work one-on-one with Gilby on an original song. He really likes what Toby puts together, but is disappointed in Lukas’s lack of preparation. His harshest criticism, however, is saved for Dilana. Sounds like someone’s got himself a brand new a +12 Repel Demon Attack spell.
Since Dilana knows Gilby thinks she has the weakest songwriting kung-fu, you’d think she’d at least try to earn some suck-ass points by writing a song about Chopper, Gilby’s dog. Of course, you’d be wrong. Instead, she writes a fun little ditty about much she hates the Internet fans. In her words, it was “basically a ‘fuck you’ kind of song.” I don’t know how they do things in South Africa, my undead songstress, but here in ‘merica, we don’t piss off the people who sign our checks. It’s called “don’t shit where you eat.” Or as Senator Ted Stevens, (R) AK, would say, “don’t upset the people at the other end of that big series of tubes.”
Still, she does get a few points for not writing an ode to the BTK Killer.
It’s song selection time. This week, in addition to the five songs on the board, there’s also a letter to the rockers. That letter? Q. Actually, it says the rockers will get to do their own set this week, with one of the five songs on the board, and one original piece. At first, everyone’s happy about the chance to do an original, until Dilana points out that Zayra, Ryan and Patrice all did originals, and they’re all gone. Someone get her a pint of O-negative, stat! Dilana’s a real buzzkill when she hasn’t fed.
Later, during rehearsals, Dilana decides to “change up” her song, “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. Evidently, in 27 previous lifetimes, she’s never heard the song before. Paul, the leader of The House Band, is not happy. “When people come in and want to change songs, without knowledge of what is was before, they’re changing it from a position of ignorance.” When she sees that clip in the club, Dilana looks pretty upset. If I were Paul, I’d make sure not to leave any hair or fingernail clippings where Dilana can get them.
Finally, it’s time for the performances to start. First up is Dilana, Brooke tells us that earlier in rehearsal, Dilana ripped a calf muscle. But instead of hobbling out on crutches like the rest of us would, she’s conjured a large black man to carry her out on stage. I think it’d have been much cooler to conjure the reanimated corpse of Christopher Reeve, but that’s just me.
Dilana’s first song is her rearranged version of “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who. Over the course of this season, I haven’t made a secret of my dislike for The Who. That said, I do like this song. I only wish I could say the same for Dilana’s version of it. At one point, she even changes the lyrics to “No one knows what it’s like to be the bad girl, to be the sad girl, behind dead eyes.” And of course, Storm, being the camera-whore that she is, stands up and jumps around during the entire song. I hate her.
Next up is Dilana’s original. She says it stems from all the trouble she’s been going through the past few weeks. “If I’m not the singer for Supernova,” she says, “I promise I’ll keep going. Because I have a Super Soul.” And by Super Soul, of course, she’s referring to the soul of Pope Leo IIVX, whom she slaughtered in the 13th century using a ceremonial dagger carved from the bones of a Lurker Demon.
Listening to the song, I can see why Gilby thinks her lyrics are too literal. When she sings the line “I could’ve killed you in your sleep” the producers cut to TheDave, who looks more than a little scared. And if you can scare a guy who regularly dresses like this, you know you’re friggin’ scary. (Muchos thanks to Ms. Tumnus from the Forums for the photoshop work.)
TheDave thinks it’s commendable that she still performed despite her injury. He wasn’t crazy about her original, however. T-Lee, on the other hand, thought it was “bangin”. And Jason reminds her that “strong will and effort are super-important in this game”. Other things Jason finds super-important: juice boxes.
Up next is Magni. First, he’s covering “Back in the USSR” by The Beatles. The past few weeks, Magni’s been growing on me, much like a particularly noticeable genital wart. But his cover is tapioca at best. Storm loves it, though, judging by the fact that she won’t sit down. Or maybe she’s just shifting her Ben Wa balls.
Unfortunately, while it’s more modern and rockin’, Magni’s original song isn’t much better. It’s called “When the Time Comes.” And it makes me long for the time to come when it’s over.
TheDave calls him “molten hot Magni”. He thought Magni’s Beatles song was killer, and that the original was the most aggressive he’s ever heard Magni’s voice. Tommy, however, thinks Magni’s performances tonight were exactly the same. Why would that be? “Both of those songs were sung by me,” is Magni’s snappish response. So impressed was TheDave with the Magnitude, he threw out a rare “Oh, snap!” at T-Bag.
Storm is our next rocker to take the stage. Tonight, she’s going to sing “Suffragette City” by David Bowie. TheDave is so excited by Storm’s song choice he decides to join her on stage. Dilana is not happy that TheDave chose to play with Storm instead of her, and immediately begins brewing up a fresh batch of Furnunculus to slip into Storm’s drink back at the mansion.
Unfortunately, not even TheDave’s presence could elevate this song much above tepid. But it was still way better than Storm’s original, called “What the What is Ladylike”. Seriously. I’ll tell you what the what isn’t Ladylike: Storm’s figure. I bet she’s always wearing such loose pants because she tucks.
Unbelievably, TheDave tells Storm she’s one of the best performers he’s ever played with. Even more unbelievably, he says Storm’s original song is his favorite from both seasons of Rock Star. It sounds like Storm’s been studying Dilana’s spell-books during the day.
T-Bag calls her “Storm Triple Extra Large” which sounds like he’s ordering condoms. He also says the song is “vvvvhhmmvv!” (Translation: It’s got a good beat and I can bang to it.)
Up next is Lukas of the Shire. Tonight, he’ll be playing a rearranged version of “Livin’ on a Prayer” by Bon of the Jovi. Lukas’s performance is very “un” tonight: unrecognizable, unintelligible and unentertaining. And I’m being very unmean when I say that.
As for his original, it’s called “Headspin”, although a more accurate title would be “Make My Tummy Spin”. The lyrics, and his delivery, are very emo. And by emo, of course, I mean emo phillips. The song is about his mommy, so I won’t dis on it too much, because family is very important to hobbits. If only enunciation were half as important.
TheDave says that Lukas has already shown himself to be a fun, energetic performer, but tonight he showed us a powerful, emotional, heavy-handed side of him. “That’s a stadium-full-of-lighters song,” he says, before correcting himself. “I guess it’s a stadium full of cell phones now. Back in my day it was lighters.” Then he does an old man imitation. I only wish it had ended with him yelling “hey you hobbit, get off my stage!” T-Bag asks the crowd if they dug the song, but never says if he did or not. And Gilby says he gets inspired watching Lukas perform. Other things that inspire Gilby: this.
Tonight’s final performer is Toby. Brooke says he’s emerged as a serious contender over the past few weeks. But does the fun-living Aussie have what it takes to go the distance? We’re about to find out. Sort-of. Because the finale isn’t until next week. But that’s just picking nits.
Toby’s first song is “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers. It’s a decent version, but it doesn’t touch Marty’s cover from last season. As for his original, “Throw It Away” is easily the best song of the night, with a catchy sing-along chorus and lots of hooky-hooks. It reminds me of something the Offspring might have done, back when they didn’t suck. During his performance, he runs through the crowd and ends up back where T-Bag and the boys are sitting. Which turns out to be a huge mistake, as Tommy immediately begins playing with his ass. And here I thought TheDave would’ve been the first one to hit on the male contestants.
Speaking of TheDave, he says there are two things Toby needs to know. One, “evs” is no longer an Australian saying. And two, his original song is instantaneously memorable. But is that necessarily a good thing? Those “Head On” commercials are instantaneously memorable too. T-Bag says Toby was “bad beepin’ ass.” I hope he’s talking about the performance and not Toby’s actual ass. I’m sure Toby’s hoping the same thing. Gilby says that every time Toby performs, he puts the fun in rock and roll. And Jason ends by telling Toby he somehow “takes people in and embraces them, and that’s magical.” Evs.
Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the order of the final five after the first few minutes of voting. In order of popularity, it’s Toby, Lukas, Magni, Storm and Dilana. Will that order hold through Elimination Night? We’re about to find out.
Dilana, Lukas and Storm were the bottom three. Storm was sent home. I wish I had a better recap for this episode, but someone (my money’s on our cat, Beavis) unplugged my TiVo, so I didn’t get to watch it. Thanks a lot, BEAVIS!