Rocker’s Delight

Well, this is a first. I’m writing a recap sans my favorite frosty adult beverage. It’s not because I’ve gone on the wagon, but rather that I’m still hungover from our 4th of July party. Trust me when I say just because you can drink an entire pitcher of Mai Tais by yourself doesn’t mean you should. And despite EdHill’s protestations to the contrary, waking up with the inside of your mouth coated with deviled eggs and rum isn’t nearly as pleasant as it sounds.

Still, we’re not here to read about my drinking problems. We’re here to RAWK! And who better to rock our world than the biggest rocker out there… Tommy Lee. (See, I waited almost two full paragraphs before I resorted to a cheap joke about Tommy Lee’s junk. And my mom said it couldn’t be done…)

More Rock Star: Supernova after the jump…The show starts off with a mercifully quick segment catching up with last year’s winner, JD Fortune. I won’t bore you with the details because I hate JD. I was glad to hear he used to live in a car, however.

Brooke Burke starts off the show wearing a dress patterned after the window shade I use in my truck. Only less attractive. She says they traveled around the globe auditioning singers, and they’ve narrowed it down from 25,000 singers to the top 15 who’ll be performing tonight. Each week, the singers pick a song, which they perform with the house band. Then, the world votes. The bottom three vote-getters have to perform again the next night, and then Supernova will cut one of them. In just three months, one of them will be picked as the lead singer for the most incredible supergroup to emerge in years: Damnocracy!

Do not look directly at the boob.

Ooops, wrong show. I mean Supernova, aka The Tommy Lee Project. That’s right, this new group of ragamuffins will be led by none other than the drummer for the Nebraska Cornhuskers marching band, the former Mr. Heather Locklear and the former Mr. Pamela Anderson: Tommy Lee. On bass is Jason Newsted of Metallica and Voivod fame; guitars are handled by Gilby Clarke from some band called Guns N’ Roses.

When Brooke introduces the members of Supernova, she says they’ve forgotten more rock and roll parties than we’ve ever been too. Thanks for validating my pain, Brooke. But I bet I’ve gone home drunk and alone from more parties than they have, so there. Also with us tonight, Brooke’s friend, Dave Navarro. Interesting things about Dave: he’s admitted to sleeping with dudes, but doesn’t believe he’s gay. And he wears the same perfume as his wife, the former Mrs. Dennis Rodman. Oh, and there’s also that whole “I look like a child molester” vibe he’s got going. But other than that, Dave’s great. Did anyone know Dave’s in a new band called The Panic Channel? Me neither. Looks like it’s time to bust some A&R ballz. Finally, we meet Rolling Stone’s “Producer of the Year,” Butch Walker.

Our first contestant is named Storm Large. Yes, the Storm Large. She swears it’s her real name, too. Just like those are her real breastesses. Storm is from Portland, Oregon. She says that people have accused her of selling her sexuality instead of her talent. But with a name like Storm Large, I’d expect her sexuality to be her talent. Storm says that “first and foremost, I am a performer. I take command of the stage and control of the show and give everybody a good time and elevate the room.” Yep, sounds like a stripper to me. She sings “Pinball Wizard” and it’s just aight. Dave, however, thinks she’s super dope. Tommy asks why she picked that song. “Because Tommy, I am unafraid.” Unafraid of what? Pete Townshend adding your picture to his collection of kiddie porn? She also tells Gilby she likes going first. That way she gets a clean mike. I bet she says the same thing about stripper poles.

“And, scene.”

Ryan Star (of AI: Season One fame is up next. He’s thinks that being a rock star isn’t so much about the image as it is being honest. He’s by no means a rock star yet, although he thinks he’s halfway there. “I’m rock. I got that part down,” he says. But your last name is already Star! How much more rock star can you be? He sings “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it’s an even worse song than I remember. He’s okay, but Jason busts his nuts for looking at the guitar to check his chords. That’s a legitimate criticism, although I’d have gone after the fact that he picked a shit song from a shit band.

Next up is a surfer dude from Australia named Toby Rand. He dropped out of high school to pursue his rock and roll dreams. I guess in Australia that’s something to be proud of. He does an acoustic version of “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” by Bob Dylan. Overall, it’s a pretty good performance, but nothing to write home about. Especially if you’ve never finished high school and don’t know how to write. Butch likes the sound of his voice going through a microphone. Okay…

Raise your hand, raise your hand if you’re sure.

Patrice Pike is from Austin, Texas. Brooke says she’s a combination of the girl-next-door with a punk rock twist. Hey, she sounds just like me, except with ovaries! She also has the first of many female bios that feature the performer walking in the desert with a guitar. I want to hate her because she has stupid sunglasses and drives a hippy VW Bus, but her cover of “Somebody to Love” is really good. Dammit.

If you’ve ever wondered whether Iceland can rock, it’s time to meet Magni. And then you’ll know the answer is a resounding “Hellno.” Magni says he’s one of the 10 most recognized singers from Iceland, which is like saying Joseph Merrick was one of the 10 most recognized sufferers of Proteus Syndrome. Magni muddles through a version of “Satisfaction” that leaves me very unsatisfied. And so is the band, who look totally bored during his performance. Dave says his stage vibe is a little on the Vegas tip. Magni says he’s never been to Vegas. Dave says he should go. Right now. GET OFF DAVE’S STAGE, MAGNI!!!

“In Iceland, I am huge. Seriously. Did somebody step on a duck?”

Next up is Zayra Alvarez, from Dallas. She grew up in a small town in Puerto Rico, which she says was too small for her. She attempts to put her own spin on Evanescence’s “Bring Me to Life”. It’s just too bad that her spin sucks. Seriously. The band really seems to really dig her, though. Jason even asks her to marry him. And Butch says she has a real “Mazzy Star meets Bjork” thing hiding inside her. The odd thing is, I think he meant that as a compliment.

Ugh.

Jenny Galt says she’s already a big thing in Canada, which sounds impressive until you remember that Cory Hart was also once a big thing in Canada. She’s sings Nickleback’s “How You Remind Me”. She looks good playing a guitar. And that’s all I have to say about that. Dave says she’s a great example of someone who looks comfortable playing an instrument on stage. Take that, Ryan Star!

Josh Logan is from Manchester, New Hampshire, and thinks he has a soul style that will easily blend into whatever sound Supernova has. He hopes they want to be more than one-dimensional, though, because he is a man of many levels. Like a parfait. He sounds a little pretentious, but his performance is the first interesting one of the night. Although his resemblance to Dane Cook annoys me, I like him. Josh covers “She Talks to Angels” by The Black Crowes. Dave says it’s like Chris Robinson went to finishing school. Jason, however, wonders if he’s too funky to front such a super-heavy band as Supernova. JASON CAN’T HANDLE THE FUNK!!

Tommy likee.

Our ninth contestant is Matt Hoffer from Chicago. He used to be a real estate agent, but decided he’d rather be a singer. His cover of “Yellow” by Coldplay leaves me feeling blue and wishing he’d go sell a house. Dave says he had a few pitch problems at the end, but who cares, it’s rock and roll. Sure, that’s easy for a guitarist to say. You don’t have to listen to him when you’re onstage. They’d like him to play something “uglier” next time.

Playing ugly is something our next contestant is very comfortable with. Meet Dilana Robichaux, originally from South Africa, but now living in Houston. She sings “Lithium” by Nirvana. I still can’t believe how weird her voice is. She sounds a lot like the Cryptkeeper. And I mean that in a good way. The first half of the song she never moves and never blinks. And then she seems to suffer a seizure. Honestly, I’m afraid not to vote for her. People are either going to love her or hate her. Right now, I’m in the love category. But I worry if her style will get old. Tommy Lee is actually speechless, so I hope she sticks around just for that.

PASSION!!!

After the break, we get to meet Dana Andrews from Augusta, Georgia, who covers “I’m the Only One” by Melissa Etheridge. She has a great voice, and she’s only 22, so I don’t know why she didn’t try out for AI instead. Cuz there’s no way she is winning this contest. She tells Dave she’s looking forward to being on a bus for a year with Tommy Lee and the boys. “I might even keep them alive.” “Whoa, snap!” says Dave. Damn, I wish I could do clipgasms, cuz Dave’s “Whoa, snap!” is friggin hysterical.

Twelfth is Phil Ritchie from Ocean City, Maryland. As Brooke tells us, he’s living proof that being a bandfag does pay off. I’m not sure what she means by that, as this dude is not good. He sings “Cult of Personality” by Living Color. If the personality he’s going for was dull, he nailed it. Dave agrees, and says his stage presence lacks confidence. Gilby says he was pitchy. And Tommy Lee says this is a great example of how important song choice is, because Phil picked a bad one. And if anyone knows how not to pick a bad song, it’s Tommy Lee.

Up next, it’s Midgets Gone Wild! While Jill Gioia is only 4’11″, she sings like she’s at least 5’2″. She does a decent cover of Janis Joplin’s “Piece of My Heart”, but she never makes it her own. Jason says she’s like a stick of dynamite: a small package with giant power. Oddly enough, that’s the same thing mrs. copygodd says about my thingy.

Even ugh-ier.

Looks like the producers saved the worst for next to last, as our 14th performer puts the “uck” in “suck.” He used to play baseball, but after arm surgery killed his game he decided to become a singer. It’s too bad he didn’t have throat surgery while he was at it. The band is even seen laughing during his performance, which is never a good sign. He rearranges The Police classic “Roxanne” because he thinks the song isn’t current enough. Gilby said it best: “It’s cool to take a tune and rock it up, but unfortunately that one sucked.” How did this guy make the top fifteen? Chris Pierson is to rock and roll what Paris Hilton is to chastity.

Our last performer of the night at least looks the part. Lukas Rossi from Toronto has a giant head, and, it seems, an ego to match. He screams his way through Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell, which Dave describes as “insane and awesome.” I’d describe it as “passing a kidney stone.” But he looked good doing it. Tommy Lee asks “Can you say Rock Star?” before dropping his mic ala Chris Rock. Huh. Does that mean the season’s already over?

Colin Farrell called. He’d like his eyebrows back.

When the show went off the air, the initial voting results were flashed on-screen. In no particular order, the bottom three were Chris, Phil and Magni. Will they stay in the bottom, or will Zayra claim her rightful place in the trio of suckitude?

Tonight is the results show, which I’ll hopefully recap tomorrow, if I’m not totally spent from watching BB7 tonight. Starting with next week’s episodes, I’m not sure if I’ll do a recap for both episodes or just one combined post. Anyone have a preference?