The Hatchet Man Cometh

On this, the second results episode of Rock Star: Supernova, we learn the band actually watches footage shot in the mansion; no matter how spicy they may appear, Puerto Ricans simply cannot rock; and that all the criticism the band gives is simply meant to help the contestants become better singers, and, hopefully, better people. So please, when Gilby tells you that you suck, don’t take it personally. If he really hated you, he’d call you a DONKEY!

Best of all, we also get to meet Tommy Lee’s new alter ego: Hatchet Man! Yes, Hatchet Man, who chops down contestants’ dreams with but a single swing of his mighty hatchet. But always with a tear in his eye, for Hatchet Man is actually the sad clown of the rock ‘n roll reality circuit. The sad clown with a heart of gold. And a huge schlong. Okay, quick show of hands: how many of you caught either of this week’s Live Blogs with Made You Laugh and Katie? Nine? Ten? Then our numbers are almost half as high as the show’s ratings, which have been less than stellar. In fact, so far Rock Star: Supernova has been more of a Rock Star: Brown Dwarf. (I love astronomy humor.) Of course, if Lukas ends up winning and starts using a deeper bronzer, that title could just as easily apply to him.

Brooke welcomes us to tonight’s results show. And right away tries to reassure us that the numbers are not as bad as we’ve heard. In fact, last night’s voting was up an “astounding” 40% from last week! The good news? Someone besides the rockers’ immediate families actually bothered to call in this week. The bad news? Most of the calls were people trying to order Urine Gone. But hey, who’s counting? Oh yeah, we are.

Next, Brooke asks Tommy how he’s feeling about the competition after two weeks. Rather than answer directly, he decides to ask his peeps how they’re feeling. Their tepid response seems to indicate the mandatory hits of X have yet to kick in.

After a quick recap of last night’s festivities, Brooke gives us a look at what happened back at the mansion after the show. Lukas, who’d been told by Jason to try and protect his instrument, says he’s been singing that way ever since he first left Middle Earth in search of pipeweed many years ago. Besides, Lukas knows his instrument better than anyone else, and what’s best for it. (And really, what guy doesn’t know his own instrument? Hell, 90% of us have probably named it.) Oh, he meant his voice? I knew that.

Jill was really pissed off about what TheDave had to say about her performance. Although in TheDave’s defense, he was entirely correct. She said she’s since thought of other things she wished she’d said, but it was too late. One thing it’s not too late for? Going back to school and finally getting her Cosmetology Certificate.

Outside, Chris has a heart-to-heart with Dilana, which is actually a lot harder than it sounds, considering Dilana’s heart withered to dust centuries ago. And inside, Toby tells the other contestants they shouldn’t be so pigheaded, and they should try and listen to the advice the band is giving them. Easy for you to say, Suckup McSycophant!

Back to live action, and the rockers who got called out last night are given a chance to respond. Starting with Chris. TheDave says Chris seemed a little defensive back at the mansion, and wants to know what he didn’t say that Chris wants to hear him say. From the expression on his face, I think maybe Chris didn’t realize that the band would actually watch last night’s mansion footage. Come on, Chris. This ain’t The Apprentice. On this show, they actually watch footage to help them make their decision. He stumbles through an answer and says after soaking up a pitcher of Seabreezes, he soaked up the comments from last night and he’s going to use them become a better singer. Nay, a better human being!

Gilby wants to know how Zayra feels about their interaction last night. She tries to get all Clinton on him and dance around the issue, saying she admitted she’s heard of their music. But that’s not really the same thing as saying she’s actually heard their music, is it, Zayra? She says the band members are “legends of their own, and a big description of a decade.” Wow, she’s really not doing herself any favors here.

Gilby continues, saying they’re trying to put together a band, and it’s important for the singer to be familiar with the style of music they’ll be playing. Zayra says she grew up in Puerto Rico, so she couldn’t afford to buy the albums, but she did have the 45s. Yeah, I still remember the day I bought my first Metallica 45: Side A was “Creeping Death” and Side B was “Call of Ktulu.” Good times…

Next up is Jill. TheDave says the floor is now hers, and she’s free to say whatever she’d like. Or, whatever her interpretation of what Courtney Love might say happens to be. She says she expected to get comments for the song she chose last night, but she chose that song to get outside of her box and take a risk. But she’s human, and she took TheDave’s comments from last night, let them soak in and will be using them as fuel for her fire. No seriously, that’s what she said. I’m not making it up.

“Three things do I wish thee: Peace, love and metal.”

Jason wants to make sure that Lukas understands their comments are not personal attacks, and he only wants to help the contestants. And that’s where Jason and I differ. Because all of my comments are personal attacks. Meheheheheheh!!!!

Jason points out that while Lukas says he’s been singing this way for 15 years, 15 years ago he (Jason) was touring the world with the “most successful gravel voiced” singer there’s ever been. Wait, Jason played with Leon Redbone? Actually, he’s talking about James Hetfield, singer for the mighty Metallica. But how cool would it be to see Leon Redbone front this band?

Tommy Lee (or T-Lee, as everyone’s started to call him) takes the mike. He tells Toby that he seems to have a really good head on his shoulder, and wants to know what he thinks of the goings-on so far. Toby says that if they’re all going to start cracking up over some comments the band made, then they’re all going to fail, so they may as well take advantage of the opportunity while they can, because you can’t buy this type of advice. Then there was this really awkward pause, as if he were expecting the crowd to start cheering at his wit and wisdom. Which they didn’t, until he started to speak again, and then they cheered over whatever he was trying to say. Guess audience interaction is a little different Down Under, eh Toby?

Even the Boogyman is afraid of something.

T-Lee says they appreciate that everyone is listening to their comments, but they need to remember: “You’re sitting there, and we’re sitting here. Also, I have bigger junk than any of you. And I’ve banged both Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson.” Actually, he didn’t say that last part, but you know he was thinking it. Or was that just me?

With a final plea from Jason to “kick ass together” it’s time to get our rock on. Or off, as the case may be. Tommy announces the encore from last night goes to Toby, for his version of “Somebody Told Me” by The Killers. It’s pretty blah. Except for when he semi-duck-walks across the stage. That at least made me smile.

Toby brings the rock, Wahoo Serious-style.

Brooke tells Toby he did a nice job, but not to relax, as nobody is safe from tonight’s elimination. Then she tells the bottom three from the end of last night – Jill, Chris and Zayra – to stand and be recognized. She also tells Jenny that she was in the bottom three at one point last night, but she didn’t stay there, so the bottom three is still Jill, Chris and Zayra.

First to perform is Jill. T-Lee says they saw her scream a lot last night, and tonight they want to hear her sing. Her choice? “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence. Didn’t Zayra just butcher cover this song last week? While it bothers me at first that she’s doing a song someone else has already performed, I realize that now her version will be compared to Zayra’s version, which will totally work in her favor. It might it even get her a marriage proposal from one of the band.

She says she wants to do this song because she likes it, it’s current and it has a heavy, dark element to it. It also has a good beat and you can dance to it. Plus, it will show the band a different style and texture in her voice. Meaning she’s not going to scream, I hope. I don’t like this song to begin with, so it’s hard for me to say anything nice about Jill’s performance, but it is better than Zayra’s. The producers make a point of showing Zayra stewing a couple of times on the sidelines as she watches Jill trounce her version. Yay producers!

Speaking of Zayra, she’s up next. Or down, as it were. Brooke shows a clip of Zayra’s performance from last night, and it’s even more hysterical than I remember it. To quote B-Side, it’s like she’s shooting laser beams from her hands. (Tonight, it’s more like she’s shooting them from her boobies.) She tells Gilby she’s totally surprised that she’s in the bottom three, and blames the audience for not voting for her. Yeah, that’s sure to win her points with the crowd

To redeem herself from last night’s performance of “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks, Zayra says she’s going to perform – are you sitting down for this – “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks. Yes, Zayra is going to perform the same song that landed her in the bottom three in the first place. She says she’s doing it again because she loves the feel and the arrangement of the song, and it represents something that she would love to do with the band. Also, she likes pretending to shoot laser beams from different parts of her body. Is anyone surprised that’s it even worse tonight? I know I’m not.

The final rocker in the bottom three is Chris, who was also there last week. If I were Chris, I’d do an impromptu version of “You Really Got Me” by The Kinks. Because compared to what the band just saw, there’s no way Chris can suck worse. Instead, he says he’s going to sing “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. Wait, wasn’t this song covered last night? Someone should tell the rockers they can choose from more than the five same songs. Chris says since the band has been looking for the “real” him, he’s going to “strip it down” for this performance. I don’t think that’s quite what they had in mind, but whatevs. Actually, he just means he’s going acoustic. Thank husband. And while it’s nothing to write home about, it’s far and away Chris’s best performance of the season. But will it be enough to save him from elimination?

After consulting over the break, the band is ready to make their choice. While Gilby says that Jill has a great voice, her different look shocked them. And even though Zayra always gives a great performance, it upsets them that she didn’t do her homework. Sensing her impending doom, she volunteers for some private lessons. (Actually, the first time I typed that, I wrote she wanted “private lesions” which is much funnier. And probably more accurate.) Finally, he says that they’re really pleased with the way Chris has taken their comments to heart, but it’s hard for them to ignore the fact that he’s been in the bottom three two weeks in a row. And then he turns it over to T-Lee, who introduces his “Hatchet Man” character. At least he didn’t throw down his microphone after he introduced himself.

T-Cell Hatchet Man spares Jill’s dreams, which means it’s down to Zayra and Chris. Please let it be Zayra! Please let it be Zayra! Please let it be Zayra! Chris says no matter what, T-Lee will always be his boy. Which makes Hatchet Man falter, hanging his head in a mixture of shame and remorse, so you know he’s going to cut Chris. And with one fell swoop of his mighty instrument, Hatchet Man banishes Chris from the show. Chris seems to take it pretty well, and the band gives him some nice parting words. In fact, the other contestants seem more upset about the decision than Chris does, which makes me think that they don’t like Zayra either. Let’s hope so, because this show could certainly use a shot of drama right about now.

So, what do you think? Did the band make the right choice? Didn’t Jason used to be cool? And why do so many girls I know think TheDave is hot?