Here in TVgasm’s Colorado offices, things operate a little differently than what you’ll find in either of our coastal offices. For one, wearing blue oxfords and khaki pants here will get you hurt. Bad. And the closest we get to a celebrity sighting is seeing Dr. James Dobson shopping for condoms (ribbed, for someone’s pleasure) at the local King Soopers. (For the record, he’s even assier-looking in person.)
However, when it comes to reality television, we are every bit as obsessed about – and loyal to – our favorite contestants as our bi-coastal brethren. Which is why this has been such a tumultuous week. Over at Big Brother, we’ve had it with the Season 6ers, and we’re openly rooting for Dr. Will to win it all. Again. Meanwhile, on Rock Star: Supernova, we are now offeeshally 1346% on the Zayra bandwagon. And based on tonight’s results, I’m beginning to think the world is with us. Although now that Tommy is cutting rockers with his penis, they might vote her out anyway, just to see her shoot it with a laser. Okay, I’ll admit I haven’t changed my mind about Zayra’s talent. Or complete lack thereof. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Helen Keller could out-sing this chica. But there’s no way in hell Helen Keller could give me material like this…
Primarily because she’s a better dresser. But also because Zayra has that certain “jene se qua” usually only found in riders of the short bus. How the Special Olympics let her get away is beyond me.
But enough about Zayra. It’s time to bring out Brooke, who tells us the prize our rockers are chasing is the biggest in rock music: Tommy’s peepee. (I love it when Brooke talks dirty.) Actually, it’s the chance to sing for the “epic” new band, Supernova, who’ll be cutting their first – and no doubt only – album later this year, to be followed by their first – and no doubt only – worldwide tour.
After introducing the band, Brooke says hello to her “partner in crime through all the music and mayhem, and one of the greatest guitar players alive, Mr. Dave Navarro.” Man, she has totally given up on calling him her good friend. What do you bet TheDave left skidmarks one too many times while wearing her underwear? That, or she found out the true story behind this.
Before we get to the good stuff, though, we have to sit through the obligatory recap of last night’s show. So, while that’s going on, I think I’ll get another beer.
And we’re back… In the mansion last night, Magni makes a toast to their best show so far. He doesn’t know how they’re going to top it, except next week Lukas might actually remember his lyrics. Ooh, MagniSnap! You know, for a guy who just found out he missed his kid’s first steps, Magni seems pretty feisty tonight. Maybe a little too feisty, if you know what I mean. (And I hope you do, because I have no idea what the hell I was talking about just then.)
Lukas admits he forgot “all the lyrics and the verses” to his song. Ryan tries to cheer him up, saying he’s been there and knows what Lukas is going through. “Every other time you’ve performed, you’ve brought everything,” he tells Lukas. “Tonight was the first time it was awkward. And you know what? It was totally AWESOME!” Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but he did tell us later that Lukas lost a little bit of his swagger. And he seemed happy when he said it.
Lukas feels he belongs in the bottom three this week. “The one song that sounds like Supernova I have to screw up,” he says. “Stupid.” Considering the song he screwed up was “Celebrity Skin” by Hole, does that mean Supernova is going for a Courtney Love vibe? Who knew Supernova=Crack Whore?
In case you were wondering, yes he does kiss his mother with that mouth.
Back to live action… TheDave tells Lukas that he’s been killing it in this competition so far. So what the hell happened last night? Lukas says he’s only human, and last night was just his turn to screw up. But he’s going to take it like a hobbit. And he swears on the calloused feet of Bilbo Baggins that it won’t happen again. Besides, if he ends up in the bottom three tonight, he knows he’s good enough to get himself out of it. Barring that, he’ll slip on the One Ring and disappear from sight. Because all trickster hobbitses know the Hatchet Man cannot cut what the Hatchet Man cannot see!
Next, TheDave wants to talk to Dana. Did she really get a tattoo today? She sure did. A black treble clef that looks like it was drawn on with a Sharpie. I’d say the folks at Miami Ink have no worries about any west coast competition. TheDave says she should get a bass clef on her back side, if you know what he’s saying. “Yeah, because that’s where the low notes come from,” Dana answers. Did Dana just make a fart joke on national television? She is a rocker!
Dana breaks the first rule of Tattoo Club: Do not talk about Tattoo Club!
Gilby asks Ryan why more people didn’t fight for the chance to play with Tommy last night. After all, they’re trying out for Tommy’s band. Ryan hems and haws a bit, eventually saying they didn’t want to lose focus and choose the song just because Tommy was playing on it. Patrice, meanwhile, says it was great playing with Tommy last night, and her only regret is that since the President vetoed the Stem Cell Research bill, there wasn’t a way for her to grow eyes in the back of her head so she could see him at the same time they were playing together. Thanks a lot, GEORGE.
Okay, she didn’t really say that about the President. But she does regret not being a circus-freak. And, judging by the total lack of audience reaction to her answer, she probably regrets making that last joke.
TheDave turns it over to “his man, T-Lee.” And of course, by his man, TheDave is talking about this. Tommy asks Magni how he’s going to handle being away from his family even more if he wins the contest. “We are moving to Iceland, right?” Magni deadpans. Gilby says they’ll play both cities: Ice and Land.
Jason asks the rockers to raise their hands if they think they deserve the encore. Dana’s hand goes up first. Seriously. Next, Storm puts her hand up. And finally, after some coaxing, Ryan puts up his. Gilby’s a little taken aback at their lack of enthusiasm. “Come on you guys, we didn’t ask for volunteers to go spelunking in T-Bag’s nether regions. We just want to know who feels they deserve the encore. DONKEYS!!” Jason says their lack of hands shows him a lot: namely, that chances are good Supernova will be fronted by an amputee. Actually, it makes him wonder if any of the rockers are confident enough to front Supernova.
Fortunately, the band gets to decide who does the encore, or we’d be here all night. And no surprise, it’s Ryan. He gets up on stage, only to find there’s no piano. Brooke says not to worry, they’ll fix it in post. (Nothing like a little production humor first thing in the morning.)
When we come back, Ryan’s found his piano just in time to lose his religion. Which proves that when one door closes, another one opens. And that if you’re a kitten stuck in a tree, you should just hang in there. Although you should hide if you sense Dilana’s presence, as she’ll no doubt make a feast of your still-steaming entrails.
Brooke says that last night the show had another double digit increase in voting. So who received the lowest number of votes? When the show went off the air last night, Toby, Zayra and Jill were in the bottom three. But at some point during the voting, Dana and Patrice were also in the bottom. Which means one of these five will be eliminated tonight. What? No Lukas? Attica! Attica! Attica!
TheDave is surprised to not see Lukas standing in the potential bottom three. “I think he could’ve done with some standing today,” he says. Unbeknownst to TheDave, however, Lukas has been standing for the entire show.
Strike a pose.
The first bottom three rocker to perform tonight is Jill. To save herself, she’s going to sing “Alone” by Heart. She thinks it’s going to show some of the deeper, richer tones in her voice that the band has been asking for. I have “Crazy On You” and “Magic Man” on my iPod, so I’d forgotten how much Heart really sucks. Jill does a decent job with the song, although as a subtle ode to self-gratification, it can’t touch Cyndi Lauper’s “She Bop.”
Before revealing the next rocker in the bottom three, Brooke says that two of the remaining four people actually skipped practicing with the House Band earlier today. The guilty parties? Toby and Dana. And the next rocker to join Jill in the bottom three is none other than Dana. Coincidence? Methinks not. Since skipping practice isn’t something good girls normally do, Jason asks Dana to explain herself. Why did Dana miss practice? She was at the spa. A tattoo and the spa in one day? Jason says that’s so
Raven rock and roll! Yay rebel Dana! Dana’s tattoo has inexplicably added 20 pounds to her face.
Tonight, Dana is going to sing “House of the Rising Sun.” She says it’s “one of those legendary guitar songs that’s classic, and we put a little more of a modern vibe to it, just like classic and a little bit more of a modern vibe.” Evidently, Dana is still woozy from her aromatherapy session. Her performance is a’ight, but it doesn’t touch the Be Good Tanyas’ version. Surely the band won’t cut her, though. She just got inked!
Who will be joining Jill and Dana in the bottom three? Of course it’s going to Zayra, right? Wrong. It’s Toby. Psyche! Brooke was just messing with him. It’s Zayra, right? Wrong. It’s Patrice. And nobody is more surprised to learn that Zayra’s safe than Zayra herself. Except maybe Patrice. Especially considering she played with Tommy last night.
She sang “Higher Ground” with him, too.
For her song, Patrice is doing a tribute to “one of the greatest late rockers of our generation.” Sweet Jebus, not another Kurt Cobain song! Actually, she’s talking about Jeff Buckley. The song? “Eternal Life.” I’ve never heard it, but if Patrice’s version is true to the original, I know why. She really might have blown it with this one.
So what does the band think? Gilby addresses Jill first. In their opinion, she’s made some horrible creative choices. But tonight, she saved herself. Sit your humpin’ ass back down, biatch! That means either Dana or Patrice are going home tonight. While Dana is developing well, they don’t know if there’s enough time for her to reach Supernova levels. As for Patrice, they believe she’s good singer and a good performer, but it’s hard to ignore the fact that she had Tommy behind her last night and still landed in the bottom three.
That said, Gilby turns it over to the Hatchet Man. Or, as he now calls himself, the Tommyhawk. Sadly, you just know that’s been a pet name for his junk at least once in his life. He says that while Dana has come a long way, she still has a long way to go. And unfortunately, her journey ends at Tommy’s penis. Well, unfortunately for her.
So, what do you think of the band’s decision? Are you ready to join us on the Zayra bandwagon? And who are you most looking forward to seeing next week, when each contestant gets to write the lyrics to a new Supernova track?