The Ryan King

I don’t know what it’s like in the rest of the country, but even though it’s still August, here at the foot of Pikes Peak you’d think it were autumn. I know this for two reasons. One, the wife and I went camping over the weekend and woke up to snow on the Peak. (And no, that doesn’t mean I’m getting gray pubes.) And two, all the breweries have released their Oktoberfest beers. So tonight’s recap is brought to you by the Summit Brewing Company, the Left Hand Brewing Company, and Sam Adams. Hooray beer!

Brooke welcomes us to Fan Selection Night on Rock Star: Supernova, adding that we’re just two weeks away from crowning a winner. Six contestants and two weeks? What kind of math is that? That means they’ll have to cut two contestants a week to make their deadline. Evs. I’m just happy to learn I only have six more episodes to recap. Hooray Brookanomics! After her recent kablosion of snappitude, what could Dilana possibly do to top herself on this week’s episode of Rock Star? If you guessed read a passage of the Necromancer whilst stabbing a shard of glass into another contestant’s head, you’re half-right.

If I’m talking about Dilana, it must be time for some mansionanigans. Introing the segment, Brooke reminds us that after Dilana tore into her fellow contestants during last week’s mansionanigans segment, she apologized on national TV. But if you think the drama was done then, you don’t know your Mark Burnett produced shows very well. Because the fun was just getting started…

Over dinner, Storm tries to make light of the situation, raising a toast to Dilana’s first spanking. It’s much like the toast Shigaboth raised in Dilana’s honor many millennia ago to celebrate her first soulbirthing, but Dilana doesn’t want to join in this time. It seems she feels that everything she says is taken the wrong way. I don’t know if I buy it, though, as it’s pretty hard to misinterpret “Braaaaiiiinnss!” She says she was filled with hurt and anger and sadness and desperation. Other things she was filled with: sugar and spice and maggots and lice. And Braaaaiiiinnss!

Ryan says he has to sleep with himself every night, and that’s why he won’t talk bad about people. Which makes no sense at all. When I used to have to sleep with myself, that’s all I did was talk bad about people. Even now that I’m married I still talk bad about people. Cuz that’s how mrs. copygodd likes it.

Dilana tries to explain, saying she was under the impression it was a clinic, and she didn’t know if she was supposed to speak her mind or not. “Life is a constant clinic,” interrupts Lukas, obviously referring to his troubles with STDs and methadone. Later, Lukas tells us he wishes he could take it back for Dilana, because now she has to live with the consequences. Wait, were those kind words coming from OompaLukas? See, that’s the good thing about pipeweed versus alcohol. I’ve met a lot of angry drunks, but never an angry hobbit.

Pointing to her throat, Dilana tells us she could feel her emotions about to explode out of her. It was almost as if she were human again. Later, she’s sitting poolside with the guys, when everything catches up to her and she totally loses it. Before you can say “Hail Satan” she’s flipped off the camera man, shattered a glass on the ground and stormed off the set. Unfortunately for her (and Magni), one of the pieces of glass shot up and stabbed Magni in the head. I smell lawsuit! But is the sulfur I smell from Dilana or the gaggle of trial lawyers gunning for Magni’s business? It would certainly explain his increased number of votes this week.

Lukas immediately runs inside to tell the other rockers what happened, because we know that all hobbits are sneaky little tricksters and live to get others in trouble, they do! Ryan goes to check on Magni, while Storm heads upstairs to comfort Dilana. From the intensity of the hugging going on, it looks like Dilana could use a little shelter from the storm.

Later, Toby, Ryan and Lukas are back down at the pool, cleaning up. Toby can’t understand Dilana’s blow up, saying she’s had one of the sweetest rides out of anyone there. Ryan says that some people just can’t handle being on top. Yeah, I always pictured Dilana as a doggy-style person myself. “It’s like she’s self-destructing,” he says. Like?

Back to live action. Sort of. It is Dilana the Undead we’re talking about. She should just be glad she’s talking to TheDave and not TheVlad, as he’d no doubt have impaled her on a stake by now. Again.

TheDave wants to put things to rest, and asks Magni how his head is. “It’s just a flesh wound,” replies Magni, showing off his knowledge of overused Monty Python quotes. “I’ve cut myself worse shaving… my balls!” Actually, he doesn’t say his balls, but you know he has. Next, TheDave asks Dilana how she’s feeling going into tonight’s performance. “I feel like I’m gonna rock it,” she says. Like a hurricane!

Finally, she addresses the crowd: “Nobody’s perfect, we all stumble, but I’m back, stronger than I was before.” What she doesn’t tell them is the source of her renewed strength: baby hearts. She finishes by saying she loves her friends, and she’ll never ever do anything to hurt them again. Until the next full moon, at least. Or fajita night, whichever comes first.

After the break, we get some footage of the rockers learning what songs the fans have chosen for them. Ryan gets to sing “Clocks” by Coldplay because the fans want to hear more of his falsetto. Ryan says that’s the amazing thing about the Internets is that it’s a series of tubes. Actually, he says that before he even had a chance to think about what to do with this song, his Internet fans were already telling him what they wanted. Through a series of tubes.

Lukas gets “Lithium” by Nirvana. Is there any way he’s going to top Dilana’s version of it from Week One? Survey says, NO! Lukas thinks the fans gave him that song because they want to see him show up Dilana. I think they gave it to him because they want to see him shoot himself in the face.

The fans have selected Billy Idol’s “Rebel Yell” for Toby. And they want to hear Magni do “I Alone” by Live. Storm gets “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence. Storm says she knows the melody, but has to learn the lyrics. What do you bet she does so with the aid of her trusty Verizon V-Cast phone?

Finally, Dilana gets “Mother Mother” by Tracy Bonham. Storm reads the following message to Dilana from one of her fans: “You give women who love to listen to rock someone to look up to. Keep fighting the fight and I’m sure we will see you standing there when the smoke clears.” At the end of the Apocalypse.

TheDave tells the rockers he doesn’t want any train wrecks this week. Then he tells Lukas he’s up first. So much for his “no train wrecks” theory.

Brooke tells us that all summer long, we’ve seen Lukas’s “dark brooding side.” But tonight, we’ll see another side to Lukas: his brooding dark side. Lukas says he’s glad he got this song, because hopefully the fans will see him for what he is: a hardworking musician that believes in what he’s doing, and when he’s not onstage, he’s just hanging out just like everyone else. “I love playing basketball. I love video games. I love drinking beer. Did I mention that?” Before joining the show, Lukas says he was working at Hooter’s, flipping chicken wings. “I am like everybody else,” he finishes. “I just wear more makeup than everybody else.” Fair enough.

At this point in the season what else is there to say about Lukas except mumblemumbleslurmumble? At least he doesn’t stare at the band this week. Afterward, TheDave tries one of his old misdirections: “You took a classic, sacred Nirvana song, and you rearranged it like that?” Dramatic pause. “It was awesome dude!” Much like the high school girls of Dazed and Confused, that never gets old. Speaking of, you know what else never gets old? This.

Next up is Magni. He says that statistically speaking, if he’s in the bottom three again this week, for the third time in a row, he’s probably going home. So the only thing he can do not to be in the bottom three this week is to campaign to get people to actually vote for him. Hmm… I’d have tried “not sucking” but I guess that’s the difference between the American and Icelandic mindsets. He tells Australia he’s a lot better looking than Toby. Canada can certainly do better than Lukas. And just because Ryan’s American doesn’t mean America has to vote for him. Funny how he doesn’t get in any digs on Storm or Dilana. Probably because he knows Storm is going home next, and he’s afraid Dilana will cut more than his head.

Magni is doing one of my least favorite songs by one of my least favorite bands, so I just fast-forward through his performance. TheDave lurvs it, though, standing up to shout “that boy can sing!” TheDave says there’s nothing he can say to Magni; it just comes down to the roll of the dice now. Tommy tells Magni it was cool he came into the crowd, but he wishes Magni had gone into the back to the cheap seats. Gilby tells him that while he’s been solid all season long, tonight he gave them that extra something he’s been looking for, and thinks Magni did a great job. Maybe I should go back and actually watch Magni’s performance. Nah, fuck that.

After the break, we learn that tickets are now available for Supernova’s upcoming world tour. If you buy them before midnight, you’ll automatically be entered for a chance to win a trip for two to their opening night gig at The Joint in the Hard Rock Café in Vegas. So chances are good if you buy tickets tonight, you’ll also win the trip.

Up next is Ryan, singing “Clocks” by Coldplay. While he’s been killing it the last few weeks, tonight isn’t one of his better performances. I don’t think it’s all his fault. Chris Martin has a hard voice to copy, as his falsetto is a direct result of being emasculated by Gwyneth. Ryan starts off playing the piano, but quickly jumps on top of it. From there, it’s down onto the stage and then back to the piano and then back on top. His stage antics were like a mashup of Michelle Pfeiffer’s turn in The Fabulous Baker Boys and Chicken George’s recent stint as a pollen fluffer. Tommy is impressed by Ryan’s ebony and ivory humpees, but not as impressed as he’d been had Ryan played the foot pedals with his schlong.

Storm is doing a song that’s already been performed twice this season: “Bring Me To Life” by Evanescence. Once by Jill, and once by Zayra. May she rest in peace. Storm doesn’t know the song and she doesn’t know the lyrics. Which means her performance should still be better than Zayra’s. Tonight, she’s asked Toby to sing backup vocals for her. Evidently she doesn’t know how to pick a backing singer either.

TheDave thinks Storm’s performance was “all right,” but Toby was “awesome!” Gilby says he still remembers when Jill did this song. But not Zayra?! Heretic! He says he has a feeling he’s not going to remember Storm’s version. Jason says that effort means a lot, and she gave it a good effort tonight, which is good enough for him. What the hell, Jason! You’re not judging Rock Star: Special Olympics. Okay, not technically.

Toby says it’s safe to say that he’s the joker in the house. He always has some cake to shove in Ryan’s face. (Cake. Australian for Thingie.) He was the first guy to streak around the pool. And he managed to get Dilana to strip for a song he didn’t even want. He thinks his sense of humor will serve him well as the lead singer for Supernova. I wonder if he’ll feel the same way the first time he wakes up with T-Bag’s crank in his face. Or the fifth.

Tonight Toby is singing “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol. In Week One, Lukas’s version of this song prompted Tommy’s first mic drop of the season. Will Toby’s version prompt any Tommy droppings? Well, considering he brings a posse of hoochies from the crowd up on stage, I’m guessing the only thing Tommy’s dropping tonight is his pants. And when T-Bag tells him to “grab the girls and head back to his dressing room” I know I’m right.

Dilana is the final performer tonight, singing “Mother Mother” by Tracy Bonham. I was pretty hard on Dilana for her behavior last week. As many alert readers pointed out in the comments, she was just acting like a rock star. While that’s debatable, tonight she was definitely performing like a rock star, because she was awesome! Sorry. But I while I thought she might have blown her chances last week, she more than made up for it tonight. The only downside to her performance was when she humped the guitarist’s head. Not because head-humping is necessarily bad, but because she humped his head with her 3,000 year old cooter.

TheDave says that out of two seasons of Rock Star, this might be his favorite performance of all. Tommy introduces himself as the “King of Mistakes” and says that the important thing is to learn from your mistakes. Which is why he’s never going to bang Pamela Anderson again.

Before going off the air, Brooke reveals the initial bottom three: Storm, Ryan and Zayra. I mean Lukas. Sorry, force of habit.

THE RESULTS

Brooke starts off by saying the voting has increased every week. But last night the numbers hit an all-time high, more than doubling last week’s vote, and the most votes ever in two seasons of Rock Star.

Hey, it’s the obligatory recap of last night’s ep, which you just read. Pardon me while I skip the insanity…

Back at the mansion, the rockers enjoyed a quiet celebration. Magni says the evening was amazing, because everyone delivered their best. “But at this point, 50% of us are going to the bottom three.” Fractions are hot.

Storm says if you’re in the bottom three, it doesn’t mean you’re not good. No, it just means that at least three people are gooder than you are. Lukas says he wouldn’t be surprised if he were in the bottom three. “I’d just take it like a man and give it my, give it hell, eh?” Incomprehensible words from a little Hobbit, eh?

In the club, TheDave congratulates the rockers on the best show they’ve ever had. He adds that while they are the top six, tonight half of them will be singing for their lives. Wait, we’re killing contestants now? Dammit, why’d we cut Zayra so fast?!

TheDave asks Storm why she always seems like she wants to sing in the bottom three. “Any chance to rock out for these guys and with this band is good for me,” she answers. TheDave asks how she’d feel if she were in the bottom three tonight. “Pretty good,” she says, “because I’d get to kick the snot out of something again.” Jeez, I hope her puppy doesn’t have a cold.

Next, TheDave asks Dilana if it’s hard to think about saying goodbye to her friends. That’s a real poser, since Dilana hasn’t had any friends for nearly 27 centuries now. She tells TheDave it’s extremely hard. In fact, it’s like losing a limb. It reminds her of the time she had to chew off her left leg to escape a trap set by Azathoth in the caves of the Abyss. But that’s another story for another time. Preferably over a tankard of elfin marrow.

TheDave asks Magni how he liked sitting for their In Touch photo shoot. Magni says he hated it. But that’s only because Magni, like all Icelanders, is bred not to sit still for more than a few minutes at a time, for fear of sticking to a block of ice. In the middle of his explanation, TheDave interrupts, only to have Magni slap his pedophile ass down with a stern “Don’t you interrupt me, young man.” TheDave does not take kindly to this, and tells Magni “This is my show, sucka! And let me tell you this: This whole season, I’ve been saying things like ‘I’ve got nothing to do with the vote… I’ve got no influence over these guys… My fingers do not smell like children… ‘I lied, you sonofabitch.” Ha! Even through my TV, I knew TheDave stank of children!

Finally, TheDave says enough of the yappin’, he wants to get to the rockin’! And with that, Jason introduces the new Supernova song, called “It’s On”. He says they had all the rockers audition, and the lucky singer tonight is Lukas of the Shire. So fire up the one-hits, kids, it’s time for some Hobbit-rock!

I forget who said it in the forums, but Tommy Lee drums like the fate of the world depended on his keeping the beat. If only Lukas sang like the fate of the world depended on his being intelligible. I really can’t say if the song is any good or not, because I can’t understand a damn word he says. Of course, that could just be my percocet cocktail, but I kind of doubt it.

After the break, Brooke announces the winner of “Best Supernova Website” contest. Since it’s not me, I don’t give a shit.

Before we get to this week’s encore, Gilby reminds the rockers that they still have a record to put together. So tomorrow he’s going to take the remaining five rockers over to Gibson for a songwriting clinic. And he’s going to help each of them individually write a new Supernova track. I wonder if any of them will be as memorable as Gilby’s many other hits.

Next, it’s time for the encore. After TheDave said that Dilana’s performance last night was the best he’s seen in two seasons, it’s got to be her, right? Wrong. It’s Toby, resinging “Rebel Yell” by Billy Idol. Will he bring another group of hoochies up on stage with him? Nope, but he does rub Magni’s head for luck.

Brooke retakes the stage to reveal the bottom three. As I told you just a few paragraphs back, it was Ryan, Storm and Lukas. But those were just the initial results. Over the course of the evening, Toby and Dilana were also in the bottom three. That means everyone but Magni has a chance to be eliminated tonight. Looks like rubbing his own head all night paid off for the Iceman.

TheDave says he’s surprised by the results: “After last night’s performances, nobody should be standing up.” Especially T-Bag, who’s still dreaming of Toby’s hoochies.

Okay, this is where the show gets confusing. Brooke says that tonight is the first time we’ve ever known who has received the most votes. Don’t they count the votes every week? How else do they know who’s in the bottom three? I’m definitely calling shenanigans on this one.

The first rocker in the real bottom three is Magni. Nah, just kidding. It’s Ryan. To save his angsty ass, he’ll be singing “Baba O’Riley” by The Who. Or should I say screaming? Here’s the thing with Ryan: he has a really good voice, but only when he sings. And this song isn’t meant to be sung; it’s meant to be screamed. And Ryan’s not a good screamer. He tries to amp up his performance, spraying a bottle of champagne, climbing on and jumping off the speakers, showing some plumber’s crack, but it just seems like he’s trying too hard.

Next in the bottom three is Storm, who’s really excited for the chance to perform again. Not because she’s a camera whore or anything… She’s going to cover “Helter Skelter,” one of her favoritist Beatles tunes of all time, and, in her opinion, one of the first punk rock songs ever. Thank goodness The Beatles did it originally and not Storm, or punk rock would never have existed.

Unbelievably, the last rocker in the bottom three is Dilana. T-Bag cannot believe that Dilana is up there. Honestly, neither can I. Of course, I also can’t believe the song she’s going to sing to save herself: “Psycho Killer” by The Talking Heads. Not that it’s a bad song, but it’s certainly not a Supernova song. Nor, evidently, is it a song for potential Supernova fans, as Dilana loses the crowd when she goes off on some operatic run during the chorus. It’s as if Il Divo were to grow a collective vagina and… Wait, that’s redundant. Anyway, it’s not good. In fact, it’s a total disaster. Could Dilana really be going home tonight? We’ll have to wait till after the break to find out…

And we’re back. Gilby says that while Ryan has clearly progressed the most since the start of the competition, they don’t know if he’s right for their band, Supernova. As for Storm, she’s been solid over the past few weeks, but they really haven’t seen a lot of growth from her. (He wants growth from Storm? Just wait until till he and Tommy get their test results back after tonight’s lap dance….) And while Dilana’s performance wasn’t good, she’s earned a ton of credit with the band. So who’s it going to be? Let’s ask the Tommy Hawk.

T-Bag tells the rockers that they were all awesome, but in the end it’s about what’s best for the band. And while Ryan’s come the farthest over the past nine weeks, he’s also the next to go.

WTF?!

There’s no way Ryan should be going home before Storm. What do you bet the producers told the band they had to keep her, just so it wouldn’t three guys and a hobbit versus one living dead girl in the final weeks? SHENANIGANS!!

Agree? Disagree? Give a crap?