To Sleep, Perchance To Rock

To say last night’s episode of Rock Star: Supernova was a bit of a letdown is a bit of an understatement. TheDave only considered a couple contestants worthy of awesomeness, Gilby didn’t tell anyone they sucked and T-Lee only dropped his mic on the table one time. At least his string of tastelessly hitting on the female contestants was kept intact.

Brooke welcomes us to what she calls “the biggest and craziest rock competition on the planet.” Thirteen rockers remain, all hoping to front a brand new band and get their very own hotel room to trash. Except for Dilana, who’s just looking for someplace to take a shower. Meanwhile, I’m just hoping Brooke will quit using the word “rocker” so damn much. That word’s been dead to me since Constantine. I can’t help but notice that TheDave seems to be doing pretty well for a guy who just lost this. Maybe it’s because he’s already replaced her with this. But let’s not worry about Carmen too much. I’m sure she’ll land on her back. Or at the very least, her knees.

Before we get to rocking, Brooke shows us some footage of “the most intense song selection process that we’ve ever seen on Rock Star.” Dang Brooke, hyperbole much? It started out peacefully, but very quickly turned very ugly. And I don’t mean this kind of ugly. I mean pissypissymeowmeow ugly. Toby volunteers to write down the songs everyone wants, but none of the other yahoos are taking him seriously. Instead, they all start grabbing songs off the wall and claiming them for their own. Josh grabs “Come As You Are” and Ryan says by his doing that, he’s going to be setting a horrible precedent. Josh says he’s sick of being nice guy, so he’s taking that song and walking out. Besides, setting a horrible precedent is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!!!! (Sorry.)

Meanwhile, Patrice and Jill get all up in each other’s grills over who’s going to sing “Helter Skelter.” Considering neither of these girls top the five foot mark, I was really hoping they’d throw down; it would’ve been just like watching a Midget Diva Match on RAW. Jill says it doesn’t matter what she sings, because she’s good enough, she’s smart enough, and doggone it, people like her. But she doesn’t like Patrice. Or at least the way Patrice is acting. Got that, Patrice? Jill Gioia is not your bitch, BITCH!

Lukas of the Shire is worried about having to sing “Let’s Spend The Night Together” because it’s all “bop-bop-bop.” I’m not worried, though. Once he gets those Hobbit feet a-tapping, he’ll be fine. If not, it’s nothing a wee hit of the pipeweed won’t cure.

Zayra ends the segment asking if there’s going to be punches to decide songs next week. While I’m sure she meant it rhetorically, I’m also sure she has no idea what “rhetorical” means. Regardless, I’m really hoping the producers take her suggestion.

Back in da club, Tommy says there is nothing better on the planet than a good cat fight or a nice barroom brawl. He’s also glad to see the contestants taking things seriously with their song choices; they’re finally starting to act like rock stars. Of course, fighting over a song is a long way from steering a boat with your thingy, but it’s a start.

All hail Mistress Brooke!

To add a final bit of drama, Brooke tells us that one of tonight’s songs will be performed with a member of Supernova. However, the rockers have no idea which song it will be, or which band member. Right away I’m hoping it’s Gilby playing with Zayra. The sexual tension between these two is killing me.

First up is Patrice, singing “Helter Skelter” by The Beatles. Maybe you’ve heard of them? She has a good voice, and does the song well, but she keeps grinning and smiling. Maybe she’s too young to remember, but this isn’t exactly a happy song. Unless you’re a fan of murder cults. In which case it’s number one with a bullet. Or a butcher knife. Tommy says it’s definitely a song worth fighting for, and she sounded killer. He gives her two horns up. Ah, Satan humor. For once, TheDave agrees with me, saying her performance was a little on the cute side, but overall it was dope.

Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! Kill!

Next up is Josh, singing “Come As You Are” by Nirvana. Up until tonight, I’ve liked Josh. But this week he seems to be singing through his nose. My wife says his voice is sharp, but I prefer saying it’s snotty. Either way, it’s not good. TheDave says it was a’ight, but he wants to see Josh do something heavy and ugly. “Remember, these guys are going to be playing at Wembley,” he tells Josh, “not a coffeehouse.” Oh, DaveSnap!

After last week’s performance, Storm Large is out to show TheDave she’s a real rocker. And she’s going to do it by performing “Just What I Needed” by The Cars. No, seriously. Because nothing says “real rocker” like these guys…

The highlight of her performance is a slow, yet gentle stroking of the mic stand. Oh, and she also straddles it. Really, about the only thing she didn’t do was fellate it. Which is too bad, because that’s just what I needed to see. After taking a minute to collect his thoughts, Tommy says he needs to see more of her. She tells him she has “six letters” for him. At this point, I’m thinking she’s going to say “pick me.” Or even “f*ck me.” But instead she says “Google.” Does that mean there are nekid pix of Ms. Large on the internets? I’ll be right back…

Okay, unfortunately Tommy and I aren’t the only ones interested in seeing more of Storm, as her website is temporarily down. Although I did learn that her band’s name is “Storm Large and The Balls” and one of her photos is called “winkytits” so it wasn’t a totally wasted trip. I also found this shot on her MySpace page. (Fortunately, Made You Laugh had even better luck with his search. Just check this out.)

Speaking of wasted trips, it’s time to check in with our visitor from Middle Earth, Lukas Baggins. Tonight, he’s singing “Let’s Spend the Night Together” by The Rolling Stones. Again, he looks good, but I can’t understand a damn word he sings. It’s like he’s channeling Mushmouth. Charisma can only take you so far, Lukas. You really need to enunciate. TheDave says Lukas comes across as arrogant when he performs, which is totally awesome! You know what’s not awesome though? Carmen Electra. Tommy says Lukas is raising the bar, and he’s pulling up a toadstool. Okay, he really said “barstool” but my word is funnier.

Jill is up next, singing “All Right Now” by Free. It’s okay. TheDave says she’s a little screamer, and it’s much better than last week’s re-imagining of Courtney Love. Tommy says he is definitely all right now. And Gilby says that even though she oversang the song a couple of times, tonight was the first time he could see them playing behind her. Of course, he only said that because she was wearing supertight pants and sporting a camel toe.

Last week Tommy told Ryan he wanted to see “more show in his boat.” While Ryan still doesn’t know what that means (and really, who does?), tonight he’s going to sing “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival. I don’t know what’s wrong with Ryan tonight, but it looks like someone nailed his feet to the floor. Or, as Tommy later says, duct taped them. Isn’t this the same guy who went running out into the crowd last week? What happened to that guy?

Also last week, Jason told Phil he needed to close his eyes to enjoy his performance. This week, Phil hopes he can change Jason’s mind by singing “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane. But first…! Jason says he wants to sit in on this song with Phil. This should be interesting. Jason being on stage certainly makes Phil pick up his game a bit. Especially when he chases Phil around the stage like a scared rabbit. Alas, it’s just not enough, as Phil is still less exciting than a box of hair.

“Pardon me, rocker coming through.”

Dana is up next, singing the Bon Jovi anthem, “It’s My Life.” I’ve never heard this song before, so I don’t know what to compare it to. But since it’s Bon Jovi, I think I’m safe to assume it sucks. In which case, Dana does an admirable job, because she sucks too. It’s not that she can’t sing, it’s just that is the wrong gig for her. And no amount of Renee face-scrunching is going to change that. Tommy says he felt like he was watching Celine Dion. And Gilby says he just doesn’t see it. Other things he doesn’t see: his hairdresser nearly often enough.

After the break, it’s Toby-time. Brooke says he catches waves in Australia, his looks are catching the eyes of women around the world, and last week his voice caught Supernova’s attention, winning him the encore during the results show. Can his version of “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum help him win again? Uhm, Hell to the no. TheDave even feigns sleep during his performance. Although he may have just been resting his eyes. Afterward, Toby tells the band he wanted to show them that he can sing with some emotion. Tommy says he’s looking for a singer that might fall off the stage. And he wants to see that from Toby; he wants Toby to scare him. That’s a tall order coming from Tommy Lee. One person who might be able to pull that off? Dilana. She’ll be up later in the show.

Up next, however, is The Ice Man, better known as Magni from Iceland. The last two weeks he’s covered classics by The Who and The Stones; this week, he’s trying “Plush” by Stone Temple Pilots. With emphasis on the word “trying,” because he’s really trying my patience. He’s got a decent voice, but why does he have to be so damn boring? T-Lee, however, has one word for Magni’s performance: Magni-ficent. You know he’s been waiting all season to pull that one out. Other things he’s been waiting all season to pull out: ah, do I even have to say it?

Make it stop.

Zayra is on next, singing “Everybody Hurts” by REM. You know what hurts right now? Everybody’s eardrums. Judging by Alli and Koko’s reactions, she’s also hitting notes that only my dogs can hear. Taking a cue from T-Lee, I’ve got one word for her: diarrhea. (It rhymes with Zayra.) At least she doesn’t shoot lasers from her hands this week. Although I can’t vouch for what may have been shooting from her cooter. TheDave and Gilby both say that last week they thought she should’ve been sent home instead of Chris. But both of them loved her performance tonight. T-Lee thinks it was yummy. And I silently weep for the state of humanity.

Jenny Galt almost landed in the bottom three last week, and this week she wants to make sure she doesn’t end up there again. Too bad she will. Her cover of “Drive” by Incubus should never be allowed on the radio, as it’s likely to put drivers to sleep. As Gilby says, they’re looking for someone OzFest, and she’s just too Lillith Fair. I can’t believe Gilby just called her a lesbian on national TV.

Last up is Dilana, she of the smoky vocals and riveting stage presence. Tonight, she’s covering “Zombie” by The Cranberries. Which is very apropos, considering her looks. And, I imagine, her smell. This chick is scarier than hell, but she can sing, which are really the two things a person needs to front Tommy Lee’s band. Well, that and a gaping vagina. Tommy says “Dilana, I wanna.” Then he throws his microphone down on the table and looks away from the camera. Oh T-Bag, you’re so dreamy…

Before going off the air, Brooke lets us know that Dana, Ryan and Jenny are currently the top bottom three. However, will they still be there when the voting ends? Enquiring minds want to know.

Or do they?