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Wednesday, December 22, 2010
8:00 am
18 Comments
Tagged: funny, Josie does Mr. President, parody, Perry tries to think, recap, Ronald Reagan, TV, tvgasm
I’ve never had the holiday blues. Until now. After being forced to watch over-bleached, under-dressed airheads for even half an hour, I wish I was out in the sub-zero temps fighting for a parking space at the mall. Thanks, Flip. I will say one thing for these girls. Unlike Bravo’s Housewives, they work. And I don’t mean on the ho stroll. They actually have careers.
This episode begins with Josie interrupting Steve while he’s trying to figure out to how to make his old guitar sound as good as the Hello Kitty one she dim-wittedly bought him in last week’s episode. While in the bathroom alone, she heard a knocking sound followed by a gentle brush of air. Now, her panties—if she wears any—are all in a bunch.
Steve listens and seems to wonder why some garbage he’d hear from a 9-year old Haley Joel Osment is coming out of Josie’s botoxed body. “That little boy had hairs standing up on the back of his neck for an entire two-hour movie and barely complained, but I gotta listen to this shit” is what his eyes seem to say. Instead of turning the volume down on his drama queen wife, Steve amps her up. He reminds Josie that they’re living in Ronald Reagan’s old apartment and it could be haunted. The prez has lived in a Belair home, the California governor’s mansion and the white house. Yet, he picked and remembered (despite his Alzheimers) to haunt an apartment he lived in before he became a spokesperson for Grecian Formula hair dye. Not likely.
No one realizes that you’re screwing the middle class when you look good doing it.
Always looking for a chance to spread her legs, Josie decides she’ll conjure up the ghost of Mr. President later and play a game of I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Over at the Farrell house, Etty finds a bouquet of flowers on their doorstep. Perry says they’re gorgeous, and although she deserves them, he didn’t send them . If Perry had a few unfried brain cells left he wouldn’t be so quick to admit that he’s an unappreciative bastard. Unfortunately there’s nothing but a haze between those ears so he follows his half thoughtful sentiment with “but don’t start getting weird because I didn’t send you flowers.”
Meanwhile, Josie has friended Ronald Reagan on Facebook. She doesn’t quite understand that FB poking doesn’t involve a dick. Steven can’t wait and is already fantasizing about their ménage a …ick. I can’t even say it . How many men or women would admit to being aroused by a 93-year old salty sac of nuts laying anywhere near their body? Those two sick fucks belong together.
While out with the girls, Josie talks about she’s going to get a rise out of the dead president with Jelly Belly beans and boobies. Then the conversation switches to AJ’s” old maid at 30” crisis. She just isn’t sure if Billy wants another ball, chain and more rugrats. Here’s a bit of advice Beyonce didn’t give you, single ladies. When dating a man that can withdraw money from a retirement plan without penalties or no longer has half the teeth he was born with, talk about the prospect of kids and marriage early.
I don’t want to talk about me. But can we talk about me?
When Etty comes home this time there’s a batch of brownies sitting on the doorstep. She thinks they’re laced and asks Perry to get rid of them. To avoid poisoning squirrels that may be rummaging through their trash looking for a fix, Perry crumbles the brownies up and tries to flush them down the toilet. Etty explains that because of his past Perry “is a big fluuush-herrrr.” His drug-riddled past has also left him a little stupid, but that doesn’t stop him from developing a theory about the brownies. “Some of these parts, Etty, are very mushy, which means that there’s some like syrupy element to it.” You’re not Bill Nye the Science Guy. You’re Perry the ex-pill popper, drug injector, substance inhaler. And, the gooey shit is probably just fudge.
Then when the plumber arrives to de-brownie the toilet, Perry shamelessly asks him “Is it true, if you pee but you don’t pee in water, it won’t have a smell?” If I were Etty I would’ve emptied my bank account to find a sperm donor before I even thought of baring a child that could possibly inherit Perry’s IQ.
If I pad his bill he probably won’t notice. I bet he can’t read numbers.
Perry can’t believe he’s going to a police station of his own free will, but a scared Etty wants him to file a report about what’s been happening. Etty stays in the car and calls Josie who stops sitting on her brain long enough to release a good idea, surveillance cameras. It doesn’t say much for the intelligence level of Etty or Perry when Josie has to come up with a plan to save the day.
Duff’s back from China and horrified by some animal cruelty he witnessed so Susan shows him even more on the internet.
Back at the house of whores and horrors, the lights flicker and Josie immediately thinks it’s Ronald Reagan making a booty call. AJ suggests there’s too much power being consumed at the Stevens’ house. But Josie isn’t going to let an eco-friendly attitude and a little logic stop her from setting up the Ouija board. The next thing you know Josie tells AJ how she pulls out the ghost detector when she wants to get laid. When does she have time to style celeb heads? Thinking of ways to get laid seems to be a full-time job for this nympho.
It’s time to install the surveillance equipment. Etty thinks Perry isn’t that good with tech stuff. I think he’s not that good with thinking stuff. Josie and Steve come over to help. Just when I was certain that Perry served no purpose in life, he surprises me with a mini performance from West Side Story, although I couldn’t tell whether he was a Shark or a Jet.
Back at home, Steve hides in the basement and scares Josie. Once she calms down she says Steve doesn’t have to scare her for sex because he’s a “sexy bitch.” I’m sure he doesn’t even have to be conscious for sex. She’ll get two popsicles sticks and some duck tape to help him out.
Susan has lunch with an animal loving friend who worked on PETA’s “Ink Not Mink” campaign. After telling Duff he should do one, he says they both should. But she’s not tatted. I bet Duff and brain dead Perry spend a lot of time together.
Etty finds another gift, a black corset. But this time the stalker leaves it in the mailbox. The note attached reads “I can’t wait to see you in this.” She goes to the surveillance equipment to identify the perp. But, there are no cameras on the mailbox so a disappointed Etty releases a horrid crying, whiny sound into Perry’s chest although I don’t see one tear. I’m still not totally convinced that the stalker is targeting Etty. In Perry’s drag dressing days he could wear the hell out of a corset.
Shiny leather makes me feel all Zen. I’m going to do downward dog next.
At the PETA photo shoot Susan is “sooooo excited.” Josie uses makeup to give Susan a tatted look all over her body, which she displays nude from head-to-toe in the ad. Susan says by helping to give animals a platform she hopes that she and Duff can make a difference. Looks more to me like she gave her implants a platform, not the poor bludgeoned Chinese pups.
Anyone looking for over-the-hill supermodels is sure to call me now. This was a way better idea than going to Celebrity Rehab like Janice Dickinson.
Perry takes a blindfolded Etty to see her new surprise, a stalker-free house. Etty recognizes it’s a solution, not a conventional one, but a “sweet Perry one.” That’s code for “ass backwards, but with good intentions.”
In return, Perry wants sex every night. Etty reminds him, he already gets it. I wish Ronald Reagan’s ghost would appear, point directly at Perry and say “kids, this dense fuck is the reason my wife started the Just Say No campaign.”
Babe, my head hurts. I think I threw out a few brain cells with the brownies.
18 Comments
I do believe I lost several IQ points readings this. It’s okay, I mean, I’ve got a couple extra to spare. But we’re really cutting close to the limit now. When does this shitfest end?
LOL itchy! It’s okay… We’ve all lost brain cells thru this farce of a show. If it wasn’t usually so funny, I wouldn’t waste my time. This one, tho, pushed my limits. I think there’s 1 more epi after New Year’s. I’ve noticed all the episodes are rerunning on the day after Christmas. Is that a nightmare or what? The Nightmare after Christmas.
Thanks for the review, NinjaStarr. As I’ve mentioned before, the next best thing after laughing thru the show is reading these reviews. But this show was almost too stupid, what with Reagan’s ghost. Who in the world is writing these things?
Also, I’m curious. You mentioned that these women have careers. Besides Susan, I’ve not noticed that any of them have a career. (And since Susan is using her husband’s image to sell her suits, I wonder about that.) AJ works in a club, so I guess she’s gainfully employed. But Etty and Josie/Skanky? Just wondering!
Thanks again for the review, and looking forward to the next one. Merry Christmas to all of you there!
Josie goes by the name Frankie Dashwood in her career … She does lesbian porn eeuuwwwwwww.. Google it she’s nasty
Why why why did I google Josie’s porn name???
Curiosity killed the pussy.
I only googled in the interest of science. And damn, I finally found a pair of breasts I don’t like. Ick.
I forgot that Josie was also Frankie Dashwood. I’d googled her before. UGH. Enough to make me lose several meals in a row! Career – Hah!
DAMMIT!!! now I have to burn my eyeballs out. Somebody hold me.
As I have said before this show is one of my dirtiest secret pleasures but lately I do find the need to take a long hot shower after I watch it. It seems to be getting creepier each week, thanks so much for enduring this and recapping it as well. Merry Christmas to all and to all , blah blah blah……..
I don’t think Etty meant that squirrels were going through the trash. Didn’t she say something like “aren’t there people that go through our trash?” If they were more famous she might have meant reporters, but the way she said it I don’t think it was scripted, I think it just slipped out and she meant poor people.
Is Susan the same one who did the photo shoot last week of her as a nude peace symbol?
Does anybody else have trouble telling them apart? I don’t mean that in a racist way, that they all actually look alike, it’s just that there are a lot of people, like millions of them, in Southern California who style themselves to look alike. This has been going on for so long that they have gotten really good at it and it has become a regular culture trait.
The other problem I have with this show is that none of the musicians they are married to seem like they are all that famous. For one thing, the bands they are in are all ones that were more famous in the 80s and 90s I think. Where you recognize the name and maybe people who know more than me about them remember one or two songs but none of them are married to Justin Bieber or even Justin Timberlake or Lil’ Wayne or anybody.
The main one I recognize the name is Billy Idol, but it isn’t Billy Idol on the show, it’s just a member of the band, and she is so proud that her husband co-wrote some of the hits.
If I was the producer of this show I would have called it Married to the E-list.
They’re enough famous-adjacent so that E! will put them on a show but not so famous that it has to be a show like E! Hollywood True Story that just shows clips of them and the star is way too busy and famous to participate any more than just authorizing the use of the clips. So the show will just have those, and interviews with their high school teacher and people they were roomates with back when they were both hoping to become famous but the roomate never did.
This episode reveals the inside scoop on some of the couples sex life or lack there of. Poor steve stevens has to “scare” josie in order to get turned on?? And WTF is up with those jump suits, eeeeek steve stevens still falling of the somewhat interesting lis. He just gets creepier and has packed on the pounds. Lay off the jelly beans. Duff and Susan rock. They seem natural together and look so hot, you just know they totally satisfy each other.
Could frankie dashwood be hearing the ghosts of Steve Steven’s ho’s from the past present and future. I know that doesn’t make sense, but neither does Marrried to Rock.
So what if Josie did porn? are we all sexless people on here? LOL
I don’t think it’s that bad, I have more problems with the ones pretending to be humble and “normal”
Like Susan who uses her twitter only for name dropping purposes, and retweeting all the asskissing done to her.
And she’s always saying “we’re so lucky” oh really? does that mean you didn’t actually work your ass off to get this far in life?
she was lucky to succeed in getting pregnant….the rest is history.
BTW Susan and Duff rock? they were stupid enough to participate in this awfull “reality” show for some publicity for gods sake!
she really annoys me with all her bullsh*t
and to think I thought she’d be the only one i’d actually like in this show. my opinion has changed!
I don’t give a flying f**k that Josie does porn, I’m curious why she’s not honest about how she makes money. If this is her real life then why is she hiding that she does porn for a living? Maybe she’s embarrassed? Maybe her husband is embarrassed? Who does she think she’s fooling? Come on Josie!!! admit it! I’d have more respect for you if you didn’t have 4 aliases and didn’t live a double life.
No, pinkblingidiva, you’re not the only one having trouble telling them apart. Even TheMiki got them confused one week, which is very easy to do. They’re like overgrown teenagers who try to look alike – fake blondes, fake boobs, fake everything. And Caroline Bee, I agree that Susan is one of the fakiest women on the show. Not a smart move for anyone to be on this disaster of a show! I missed the last epi, and may not even try to see it. But I am looking forward to the review, when Miki gets it out!
If Steve Stevens is so great why is Josie doing porn and why do they live in an apartment? I guess he never saved any real money if he had they would at least be in a house and she wouldn’t be faking it in porn. Susan is so fake she whined and whinged for her last naked photoshoot but on that one she wore a G string on this one she was completly naked and it didn’t bother her abit. I was a little disappointed that duff wore pants that was some false advertising! AJ is just pathetic but at least she has a job and her real boobs.
Hoping to see a review of the last epi of this show, and hoping TheMiki is all right. Hell, I’ve not seen the show myself yet! It reruns on the 12th – am looking forward to some slapstick.
Josie Stevens aka Frankie dashwood now is a model for j Valentine. Still looks pornish