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I’ve never had the holiday blues. Until now. After being forced to watch over-bleached, under-dressed airheads for even half an hour, I wish I was out in the sub-zero temps fighting for a parking space at the mall. Thanks, Flip. I will say one thing for these girls. Unlike Bravo’s Housewives, they work. And I don’t mean on the ho stroll. They actually have careers.
This episode begins with Josie interrupting Steve while he’s trying to figure out to how to make his old guitar sound as good as the Hello Kitty one she dim-wittedly bought him in last week’s episode. While in the bathroom alone, she heard a knocking sound followed by a gentle brush of air. Now, her panties—if she wears any—are all in a bunch.
Steve listens and seems to wonder why some garbage he’d hear from a 9-year old Haley Joel Osment is coming out of Josie’s botoxed body. “That little boy had hairs standing up on the back of his neck for an entire two-hour movie and barely complained, but I gotta listen to this shit” is what his eyes seem to say. Instead of turning the volume down on his drama queen wife, Steve amps her up. He reminds Josie that they’re living in Ronald Reagan’s old apartment and it could be haunted. The prez has lived in a Belair home, the California governor’s mansion and the white house. Yet, he picked and remembered (despite his Alzheimers) to haunt an apartment he lived in before he became a spokesperson for Grecian Formula hair dye. Not likely.
Always looking for a chance to spread her legs, Josie decides she’ll conjure up the ghost of Mr. President later and play a game of I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Over at the Farrell house, Etty finds a bouquet of flowers on their doorstep. Perry says they’re gorgeous, and although she deserves them, he didn’t send them . If Perry had a few unfried brain cells left he wouldn’t be so quick to admit that he’s an unappreciative bastard. Unfortunately there’s nothing but a haze between those ears so he follows his half thoughtful sentiment with “but don’t start getting weird because I didn’t send you flowers.”
Meanwhile, Josie has friended Ronald Reagan on Facebook. She doesn’t quite understand that FB poking doesn’t involve a dick. Steven can’t wait and is already fantasizing about their ménage a …ick. I can’t even say it . How many men or women would admit to being aroused by a 93-year old salty sac of nuts laying anywhere near their body? Those two sick fucks belong together.
While out with the girls, Josie talks about she’s going to get a rise out of the dead president with Jelly Belly beans and boobies. Then the conversation switches to AJ’s” old maid at 30” crisis. She just isn’t sure if Billy wants another ball, chain and more rugrats. Here’s a bit of advice Beyonce didn’t give you, single ladies. When dating a man that can withdraw money from a retirement plan without penalties or no longer has half the teeth he was born with, talk about the prospect of kids and marriage early.
When Etty comes home this time there’s a batch of brownies sitting on the doorstep. She thinks they’re laced and asks Perry to get rid of them. To avoid poisoning squirrels that may be rummaging through their trash looking for a fix, Perry crumbles the brownies up and tries to flush them down the toilet. Etty explains that because of his past Perry “is a big fluuush-herrrr.” His drug-riddled past has also left him a little stupid, but that doesn’t stop him from developing a theory about the brownies. “Some of these parts, Etty, are very mushy, which means that there’s some like syrupy element to it.” You’re not Bill Nye the Science Guy. You’re Perry the ex-pill popper, drug injector, substance inhaler. And, the gooey shit is probably just fudge.
Then when the plumber arrives to de-brownie the toilet, Perry shamelessly asks him “Is it true, if you pee but you don’t pee in water, it won’t have a smell?” If I were Etty I would’ve emptied my bank account to find a sperm donor before I even thought of baring a child that could possibly inherit Perry’s IQ.
Perry can’t believe he’s going to a police station of his own free will, but a scared Etty wants him to file a report about what’s been happening. Etty stays in the car and calls Josie who stops sitting on her brain long enough to release a good idea, surveillance cameras. It doesn’t say much for the intelligence level of Etty or Perry when Josie has to come up with a plan to save the day.
Duff’s back from China and horrified by some animal cruelty he witnessed so Susan shows him even more on the internet.
Back at the house of whores and horrors, the lights flicker and Josie immediately thinks it’s Ronald Reagan making a booty call. AJ suggests there’s too much power being consumed at the Stevens’ house. But Josie isn’t going to let an eco-friendly attitude and a little logic stop her from setting up the Ouija board. The next thing you know Josie tells AJ how she pulls out the ghost detector when she wants to get laid. When does she have time to style celeb heads? Thinking of ways to get laid seems to be a full-time job for this nympho.
It’s time to install the surveillance equipment. Etty thinks Perry isn’t that good with tech stuff. I think he’s not that good with thinking stuff. Josie and Steve come over to help. Just when I was certain that Perry served no purpose in life, he surprises me with a mini performance from West Side Story, although I couldn’t tell whether he was a Shark or a Jet.
Back at home, Steve hides in the basement and scares Josie. Once she calms down she says Steve doesn’t have to scare her for sex because he’s a “sexy bitch.” I’m sure he doesn’t even have to be conscious for sex. She’ll get two popsicles sticks and some duck tape to help him out.
Susan has lunch with an animal loving friend who worked on PETA’s “Ink Not Mink” campaign. After telling Duff he should do one, he says they both should. But she’s not tatted. I bet Duff and brain dead Perry spend a lot of time together.
Etty finds another gift, a black corset. But this time the stalker leaves it in the mailbox. The note attached reads “I can’t wait to see you in this.” She goes to the surveillance equipment to identify the perp. But, there are no cameras on the mailbox so a disappointed Etty releases a horrid crying, whiny sound into Perry’s chest although I don’t see one tear. I’m still not totally convinced that the stalker is targeting Etty. In Perry’s drag dressing days he could wear the hell out of a corset.
At the PETA photo shoot Susan is “sooooo excited.” Josie uses makeup to give Susan a tatted look all over her body, which she displays nude from head-to-toe in the ad. Susan says by helping to give animals a platform she hopes that she and Duff can make a difference. Looks more to me like she gave her implants a platform, not the poor bludgeoned Chinese pups.
Perry takes a blindfolded Etty to see her new surprise, a stalker-free house. Etty recognizes it’s a solution, not a conventional one, but a “sweet Perry one.” That’s code for “ass backwards, but with good intentions.”
In return, Perry wants sex every night. Etty reminds him, he already gets it. I wish Ronald Reagan’s ghost would appear, point directly at Perry and say “kids, this dense fuck is the reason my wife started the Just Say No campaign.”