Rosemary’s Baby

Happy Halloween, Gasmii!  P-Baby here, crawling out of my America’s Next Top Model cave with a little Horrorgasm Special to get you through the scary weekend.  You all didn’t think I could let Halloween go by without a Horrorgasm now did you?  After last night’s venture out on the town with me as a 1920′s flapper and Mr. P-Baby as a patron of Walmart, Mr. P-Baby and I decided to stay in today so his boring ass could drink beer and watch football and I could watch all the scary movies my little heart desires.  Also, tonight we’ll both be rocking terrorist beards in honor of Halloween AND Brian Fear the Beard Wilson.  Everyone wins.  Except the Texas Rangers.

Gasmii, one of my all time favorite scary movies is Rosemary’s Baby for a multitude of reasons whether it’s Mia Farrow’s horrendously annoying accent that resembles Hayley Mills even though Hayley is from London and Mia from Los Angeles, the awesome old rickety apartment the Woodhouse’s live in or seeing Charles Grodin in something besides a Beethoven movie.  Take your pick.  After being inspired by Hypnotoad’s list of horror flicks, seeing my beloved Rosemary make the list motivated me to finally take on the task of TVGasming this film.  I hope you all enjoy it, and save me some peanut butter pumpkins at the end!

We open with some annoying broad humming a creepy lullaby over the New York City skyline.  It’s probably that shrill harpie Rosemary singing to her Satan baby.  I don’t consider that to be a spoiler seeing as the movie came out in 1968.  You all have had 42 years to see it.  That ship has officially sailed.

Another non-spoiler.  Mia Farrow’s haircut in this film was huge.  Like Friends Rachel huge.  So big, in fact, that it received its own billing in the opening credits.  I shit you not.

Plucky young couple Rosemary and Guy Woodhouse are on the market for a new apartment.  In case you haven’t heard, Rosemary doesn’t do anything and Guy is an actor, which we find out as they chit chat with the dude that is showing them a vacant apartment that will eventually lead to their demise.  You may have seen Guy in Luther and Nobody Loves An Albatross, which Rosemary likes to remind us of every 4.5 seconds of this 2 hour and 16 minute movie.  God, she is annoying little twerp.  They make their way up to the seventh floor apartment by way of one of those elevators that requires the help of a wise black man to operate.

Turns out, the previous owner of the apartment was an old batty lady that croaked after being in a coma for awhile.  She grew a bunch of herbs and shit in her kitchen and has the thinnest walls ever as someone is banging away at Fur Elise elsewhere on the 7th floor.  I’m sure she was totally fine though, no underlying mental issues or paranoia of possible devil worshippers living next door.

Rosemary loves the apartment and the Woodhouses decide to move in, despite the fact that a humongous wardrobe armoir thing in the hallway is clearly blocking the gateway to hell.  Movement of the wardrobe reveals a closet which immediately excites Rosemary as she can’t wait to wallpaper the shit out of those shelves.  Oh, what simple life she leads, that Rosemary.

That night, the Woodhouses go over to their friend Hutch’s apartment to tell him the good news.  Hutch is one of those characters that knows everything that would keep the main characters from dying/going nuts/joining cults but because of this, he is obviously going not going to survive until the end.  Poor old bastard.  He tells the Guy and Rosemary that the Bramford building they are about to move into actually had a pretty bad reputation back in the day due to some crazy Trench Sisters eating kids and a guy named Adrian Marcato who conjures up the living devil in his spare time.  A dead baby or two were found in the building as well, if all the other stuff wasn’t enough.  As long as it doesn’t have bed bugs, they should be just fine.

Despite all of Hutch’s naysaying, the Woodhouses stick with their decision and head home to their empty apartment where they soon realize they are the victim of thin walls as their neighbors yell at each other.  That sucks.  Instead of pounding on the walls like I used to do when my neighbor decided it was his turn to host a rave, Guy and Rosemary decide to bang it out over a picnic.  Nothing like tales of dead babies and splintery wooden floors in the middle of a devil’s den to get the juices flowing.

And so Rosemary gets her scrawny ass to work, turning this torture palace into a home.  She gets painters and wallpaperers, buys some carpet and a shitload of furniture making me wonder if maybe Luther and Nobody Loves An Albatross are more lucrative than I’m giving them credit for.  Because bitch had to have spent at least $10,000 getting this place spiffed up which is like $3 million in 2010 money.  Well maybe not quite that much, but you know what I mean.

Down in the basement, Rosemary is tending to the laundry when she bumps into another building resident named Terry Gionoffrio.  Terry is friendly enough and tells Rosemary she is staying with the Castevet’s on the 7th floor as their guest.  Rosemary tells Terry all about her husband Guy, the actor.  Luther and Nobody Loves a Motherfucking Albatross.  Terry is suitably impressed.

Since they are both creeped out by the basement, they decide to make a standing date to do their laundry together.  Terry shows Rosemary a good luck charm gifted to her by the Castevet’s and she wears it despite the fact that it smells like smashed assholes.  Terry reveals that she was a street-walking junkie whore before meeting the Castevet’s who have helped her turn her life around.  And with that, it’s safe to say Terry is fucked.

That night, Guy and Rosemary here some more of their cuckoo neighbors shouting.  They start sucking face and at that moment, some wicked monk chanting starts.  They don’t really pay too much attention but the next night walking home, they discover that Terry has apparently jumped out the window, plummeting to her death.  Rosemary and Guy are shaken, but who cares about them, because the awesomeness that is the Castevets happens to be walking up the street as we speak.  Now these are two cats I’d hang with.  Minus the whole devil worshipping thing.

The Castevets explain that Terry used to suffer from random bouts of depression and aren’t too surprised at her fate.  That’s kind of harsh for supposedly taking care of someone like a daughter they never had.  Rosemary decides to put in her two cents and say that Terry had a brother in the Navy after the Castevets say she was all alone.  She then introduces herself to the Castevets, informing them they are the new occupants of the crazy dead lady’s apartment.  Way to go, Rosemary.  If only you’d kept your trap shut, then maybe you wouldn’t have gotten raped by the devil and sperminated with his demon seed.

Back in the bedroom, Guy slumbers away but Rosemary can’t sleep.  While I’m assuming she can’t sleep because of the horrific scene she just saw, I’d have trouble sleeping due to the ticking of the world’s loudest clock.  Christ.

The next morning, Mrs. Castevet decides to poke her nose around Rosemary’s apartment under the guise of talking about Terry’s death.  She proceeds to quiz Rosemary about whether she has kids, if she’s pregnant, etc all the while checking out the lay of the land in the apartment.  Rosemary, like the dimwit she is, starts yapping away about everything including what Guy does.  Luther. Albatross.  Got it.

Mrs. Castevet invites the Woodhouses over for dinner and despite initial feeble protests, Rosemary agrees to go.  Guy isn’t pleased since he’s tired from not working all day but after getting him some of that Rosemary ass, he gives in to the dinner party.

That night, at the Castevets apartment, Guy and Rosemary are shown a great time by Roman and Minnie.  They are plied with booze, red meat, cake, and friendly chatter.  If that’s how devil people get down, than count me in.  Roman brags about traveling all over the place and we find out Rosemary is originally from Ohama, Nebraska.  Apparently Omaha is part of Great Britain.  My mistake.  Does everyone from Ohama talk like a pretentious Brit?

Roman baits Guy by pretending like he’s 1. Heard of Luther 2. Seen Luther and 3.  Remembers Guy in Luther.  Rosemary is probably going to piss her bloomers in excitement.  Meanwhile, Minnie inhales cake while also ensuring that everyone else has sugary treats shoved down their throats.  But who am I to judge Minnie and her affinity for sweets?  I’d eat cake for breakfast, lunch, and dinner if it wouldn’t turn my ass into a tank.

As the evening draws to a close, Minnie and Roman show the Woodhouses out and the overall consensus is that it was a fun night.  Guy and Rosemary joke about the mismatched dinner plates and all is well until Guy tells Rosemary he’s going back over to the Castevets the next night to hear more of Roman’s stories.  For some reason this doesn’t sit well with Rosemary even though she’s the dumb bitch that made Guy go over there in the first place.  Maybe Rosemary doesn’t approve of hanging with people that don’t have 8 sets of matching china.  What a snob.

The next day, Rosemary is slothing around the apartment listening to records and is once again interrupted by Minnie.  Rosemary is on the rag and doesn’t feel like being bothered, which makes Minnie and her friend Laura Louise’s willingness to hole up in Rosemary’s living room knitting away that much more awesome.

During the visit, Minnie gives Rosemary the good luck charm that Terry used to wear as a nice gesture for moving in or some made up reason.  The charm is full of something called tannis root which is the source of the good luck.  A lot of luck it brought Terry’s crazy window jumping ass.  Rosemary doesn’t find anything strange about wearing something that was covered just days or weeks ago in blood and brain matter and promptly puts it around her neck.

Guy decides to come back home after visiting Roman and Rosemary shows him the charm she got from Minnie.  He jumps all up Rosemary’s asshole about wearing the necklace after she takes it off because it smells like shit.  Guy receives a phone call the next day that Daniel Baumgartner, one of the actors that beat him out for a part has suddenly been stricken with blindness.  He acts sad about it even though we all know his voodoo ass cast a spell on the blinded bastard.  He gets offered the part and the strange shit has only just begun.

Rosemary decides to pay Hutch a visit and tells him about Guy’s recent string of successes.  They shoot the shit and walk around talking about Terry’s suicide and the Castevets.  When Rosemary gets home from her visit, she discovers a bouquet of roses on the table left for her from Guy.  Rosemary is so gullible.  Clearly Guy is just trying to make sure that he’ll be able to devil rape her later without her getting too pissed.  But all she sees are pretty flowers and rainbows and unicorns and everything is A OK.

Guy apologizes for being a workaholic obsessing about his D List acting career and says he now wants to focus on having a baby.  He even counted days on the calendar for the best time to start.  Hold the phone, Creepzilla.  You show no interest whatsoever in your wife and her desire for a baby and now after spending a couple nights over at Satan’s Corner, you are all about getting her knocked up.

Guy sets the mood for the evening by lighting a fire and wearing his finest turtleneck, the better to seduce Rosemary with.  During their candlelit dinner, Minnie drops by to deliver some tannis root laced chocolate mousse for dessert.  Rosemary eats a few bites but decides she doesn’t like it.

Rosemary starts cleaning up after their dinner but she’s not feeling so hot after eating her obviously drugged chocolate mousse.  Guy doesn’t seem overly concerned with his frail wife falling all over their apartment and puts her to bed, chalking her dizziness up to boozing and lack of food.  Rosemary clocks out for the night and has some trippy dreams to say the least.  Words don’t do it justice so it’s time for a… PICTURE MONTAGE!  (But in case you need words, Rosemary’s ass gets smooshed by the devil.)

The next morning, Guy rouses Rosemary from her slumber acting normal like he didn’t just become Satan and engage in unprotected, non-consenting sex with his wife.  Rosemary is none the wiser but does become alarmed at the scratches all over her back.  She chides Guy for sleeping with her while she was zonked out but he blows it off, saying he didn’t want to miss her prime ovulating night.

Turns out Rosemary is still pissed about the whole spousal rape thing and wants to talk about it with Guy, who is practicing walking with crutches for his new part.  She accuses Guy of not looking at her and acting weird but he passes it off at being preoccupied with acting.  Guy is definitely a douchebag.  Is this how all actors behave?  No wonder Hollywood is a cesspool of mate-swapping.  Those actors have the attention span of a fruit fly.  He assures her that he loves her.  Rosemary’s face looks like what I imagine Jennifer Aniston’s face looked like after Brad started filming with Angelina only instead of Angelina, Guy’s distraction is Satan.  Ehh, tomato, to-mah-to.

Over breakfast, Rosemary looks at the calendar doing some mental math while Guy informs her that her period was due on Friday.  Seriously, McPerveson.  That’s fucking gross.  Not to get too detailed but Mr. P-Baby tends to hole up in any other room of the house while this P-Baby here deals with mother nature.  He does not count my cycle days on a calendar.  He would rather be forced to watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl back to back than count my ovulation days.  His words exactly.  Point being, Guy is a creep.

After realizing her period is still late, Rosemary goes to visit Dr. Hill to confirm or deny her demon baby.  One phone call later and Rosemary is officially knocked up with a Deviled Egg.  She cradles the phone like it’s the thing that impregnated her.  We’ll see how elated you are in 90 minutes give or take.

When Guy comes home from work that evening, Rosemary breaks the news to him that they are going to be parents.  Rosemary wants to use the pregnancy as a new beginning which is code for Guy to stop acting like a chode.

Which apparently isn’t going to start now because instead of waiting the grace period of the first trimester, Guy hauls ass over to Minnie and Roman’s to tell them the news.  They bust through the front door with Guy to celebrate and Minnie insists that Rosemary start seeing a Dr. Saperstein to guide her through her pregnancy.  Roman does what you should always do when finding out someone is newly pregnant and hands Rosemary a glass of booze to celebrate.

Minnie sets up an appointment with Dr. Saperstein for Rosemary, who agrees to go see him the next day.  That night she lays in bed contemplating baby names.  I prefer Beyonce and The Terminator myself, but I don’t see Rosemary going that route.  For some reason unbeknownst to me or anyone else thinking clearly, Rosemary decides to start wearing the smelly necklace again.  Probably for good luck so she doesn’t miscarry little Lucifer Jr.

At Dr. Saperstein’s officer the next morning, he directs Rosemary to read no books and take no pills, instead recommending she drink some herb riddled drink made by Minnie.  Ahhh, the markings of a true medicinal genius.  Here, drink this random drink full of weird shit your senile neighbor grows in her living room.  Forget about modern medicine.  And asshat Rosemary agrees to all of this, so she only has herself to blame when Satan’s horns bloody her uterus on his way out the door.

Minnie happily delivers her drink to Rosemary while the two talk over whether Rosemary wants a boy or a girl.  Bitch, please.  Obviously Rosemary wants a girl.  Look at her.

Well, the time has come for the infamous haircut.  In walks Rosemary, hair cropped to her head like Tinkerbell and Guy is none too pleased.  But Guy, Rosemary got this done at Vidal Sassoon!  Guy says Sassoon Smashoon and is pissed until Rosemary says she has a pain in her stomach.

Guy demands she goes to see Dr. Saperstein who tells her the pain is natural expansion of the pelvis and nothing to worry about.  Yeah, that’s probably true if natural expansion of the pelvis is code for a mini pitchfork scouring your cervix.  Dr. Saperstein scolds Rosemary for reading books about pregnancy and tells her to go home and stop worrying.

Back at the homestead, Rosemary and Guy are playing Scrabble until Rosemary gets up and starts losing her shit in the bedroom.  She’s all bent out of shape thinking that she looks awful.  Guy, the charmer that he is, tells her that she looks fine but her haircut looks fucking terrible and it’s the worst mistake she’s made.  I’m thinking the haircut is probably the second worst mistake, Guy, and we’re all looking right at her first mistake.

Rosemary is losing her shit a little more in the form of cannibalism as she takes a hunk of raw beef and barely seers it before chowing down at the breakfast nook over Christmas cards.  Hutch comes over to see her and he is at first shocked by her hair but even more alarmed at her overall terminal illness patient appearance.  Hutch calls bullshit when Rosemary tells him she is pregnant.  He starts asking her the hard questions about exactly how much weight she has lost and Rosemary is in complete and utter denial.

Roman pops over while Hutch is still there because Roman and Minnie are ALWAYS around.  It’s amazing Devil Guy even found time to stick it in Rosemary but I guess Roman and Minnie where there when that happened too.  They all sit in the living room conversing about Rosemary’s pregnancy and Hutch does the second best thing to do around expectant mothers besides force feeding them booze.  Light up in a closed room, plying their lungs with second hand smoke.

Hutch takes interest in Rosemary’s daily herb drink, specifically with her mentioning of tannis root.  The entire time this is going on, Roman is giving Hutch the stink eye from across the coffee table.  Roman eventually sees himself out and Guy later comes home while Hutch is still there, definitely overstaying his welcome.  I would have booted his ass out the door hours ago.  I need my alone time.

Anyway, Guy greets Hutch and they all sit around drinking coffee, gossiping about Roman’s pierced ears.  Hutch decides its finally time for his old ass to get home and Guys grabs his coat for him.  Turns out Hutch lost one of his gloves somewhere in between arriving at Rosemary’s, staying for 15 hours, and the coat closet. Hutch is definitely fucked too.

Well, it appears as Rosemary’s pregnancy is coming along just swimmingly.

While in bed, Rosemary receives a call from Hutch requesting, nay, demanding they meet up tomorrow as he has some urgent information for Rosemary that he can’t tell her over the phone.  She agrees.  Guy grills her as to what the whole conversation is about and Rosemary, who has never kept a secret in her entire, worthless life, tells him that she’s meeting at the Time and Life building the next day at 11:00.  As soon as he has this information, Guy fakes a craving for ice cream and hauls ass out the door, most likely to tell some cult member so they can cast a hex on Hutch using his missing glove.  Nice, Rosemary.  A little discretion would go a long way.

The next day, Rosemary ventures out to meet Hutch and, surprise surprise, he’s nowhere to be found.  Rosemary’s looking great though.  Really working that pregnant glow you hear so much about.

Rosemary decides to call Hutch’s apartment since he still hasn’t shown up and a woman answers who breaks the news to Rosemary that’s Hutch is in a coma.  Rosemary doesn’t really know what to do with this information so she walks around all pissed off, staring into windows and clutching her face until Minnie shows up “coincidentally.”  She shoves Rosemary into a cab and gets her home before she can protest.

Back at home, Rosemary seems to be doing fine without those crazy pregnancy books, vitamins, and her overall prenatal health in the hands of a Satan slut.

Rosemary consults Dr. Saperstein yet again, this time at a New Year’s Eve party and once again he tells her it ain’t no thang.  Damn it, Rosemary.  This is so, so not true yet you refuse to do a god damn thing about it.  Rosemary drinks some more booze, since it is a holiday party after all.  No wonder this baby was born with horns and glowing eyes, with all that liquor and nicotine it was exposed to for months on end.  She’s lucky that thing even made it through incubation.

After all the weird things that have been going on, Rosemary gets a fire under her ass to throw a party for her old friends she had prior to moving into Chateau Hades. Guy isn’t thrilled about the idea of it but is unable to sway Rosemary out her plans without looking like a complete lunatic.  Minnie pops over, spying all the food Rosemary is preparing and starts nosing around like she always does until Rosemary tells her to fuck off and that she’s not invited tonight.  Rosemary also has apparently grown a brain as she decides to ditch Minnie’s drink today and flushes it down the sink.

It’s party night and all of the Woodhouse’s friends have filled their apartment.  They are all thrilled to hear about Rosemary’s pregnancy but state the obvious that she looks like shit warmed over.  During the party, Rosemary gets a cramp, and her sane, non-Satanic friends pull her into the kitchen to find out what the hell is going on.  Her friends insist that Rosemary needs a second opinion at Dr. Hill’s office.  Speaking of Dr. Hill, Charles Grodin was a handsome devil during the 60′s.  I will now slap myself across the face for saying such blasphemy.

After the party, Rosemary tells Guy that she is going to see Dr. Hill for his advice about her constant pain.  She also confesses that she hasn’t drank Minnie’s herb drink for the past three days.  Guy is super pissed about all of these things and starts yelling about Rosemary’s friends being bitches and how Dr. Saperstein is the best doctor that ever lived, forbidding Rosemary to see Dr. Hill because it wouldn’t be fair to Saperstein.  Way to play your cards close to the vest, Guy.  That’s not weird at all.  Your wife has been in pain for like four months but she can’t see another doctor because it wouldn’t be fair to some dude that may or may not even be a real doctor.  Rosemary rightfully shrieks at Guy that he’s a bastard and at the climax of all this fighting, Rosemary suddenly stops because her pain has finally subsided.  Oh thank God.  Satan’s devil baby is alive after all.

Now that things are looking up, Rosemary goes back to drinking Minnie’s herb drink and getting the nursery ready.  Unfortunately, while Rosemary is busy wallpapering the nursery with flames and triple 6′s, Hutch kicks the bucket.  At the funeral, Rosemary runs into a woman named Grace Cardiff who she had talked to on the phone a couple times before about Hutch’s coma and passing.  She gives Rosemary a book that Hutch had meant to give her before his untimely death.  She also delivers a cryptic message, “The name is anagram.”  The message probably wouldn’t be all that cryptic if Rosemary wasn’t such a dumb ass but thems are the breaks.

Back at the apartment, Rosemary opens the book from Hutch and sees that it is titled All of Them Witches.  Some passages are underlined and pages dog-eared supposedly to help clue Rosemary in on the fact that she is living in a coven.

She reads about Adrian Marcato of devil conjuring fame and even sees a family picture of the Marcato clan.  Rosemary ponders the name is an anagram hint a little more and decides to take to the solver of all riddles, the Scrabble board, to figure it out.  Unfortunately, since Rosemary didn’t read or remember a thing from the book her dead friend left her, she is scrambling the wrong name, using the title of the book instead. Idiot.

Finally, Rosemary figures out it might be a good idea to read what her dead friend underlined and sees that he took special interest in the name Steven Marcato.  Now we’re cooking with fire.  Or coking with fire as I initially typed, which a little nose candy would probably do Rosemary some good.  Her devil spawn is already going to be born minus one lung and a 25% functioning liver.  Why not ruin the nasal passage while we’re at it?

Well, against all odds, Rosemary figures out the riddle.  What does she do with this information?  She spills the beans to Guy, butt buddy of Roman/Steven.  It’s really just one bad decision after another with this broad.  I don’t know why I’m even surprised anymore.  Guy laughs it off, saying that Roman most likely switched his name since his father was a crazy witch bastard.  She keeps babbling on and on about covens and a congregation and flutes and chanting parties and even though I know everything she is saying is true, I still want to slap the shit out of her and slip her an Ambien.

Failing to see the irony of the title, All of Them Witches, Rosemary then hauls ass to Dr. Saperstein’s office to inform him she wants nothing to do with the Castevets any longer.  Yep, I’m sure the doctor that Minnie recommended upon learning of Rosemary’s pregnancy has nothing at all to do with their witch babies.  He’s totally clean. He pretends like he completely understands and writes her a prescription for some pills for the last few weeks of her pregnancy.  Yes, that’s what the crazy lady needs, some pills to pop.

Dr. Saperstein says it is for the best that Rosemary wants to drop the Castevets like their hot because Roman actually wanted to get out of town for awhile as he is due to die in a few months.  That’s…odd but Dr. Saperstein plays it off well.  Just like he says, Minnie and Roman get the hell out of dodge on Sunday and are seen off by the Woodhouses.

Back in the apartment, Rosemary is looking for her witches book but her shithead of a husband threw it away.  Yes, he threw away the one thing left to her by her dead best friend.  Nice, Guy.  Thinking clearly and rationally, Rosemary wanders into traffic, ditches her tannis root good luck charm, and hits the bookstore to find more witchy reading material.

Some reading of her new books reveals that covens can blind, paralyze, and eventually kill anyone they choose, sometimes using an article of clothing belonging to the victim to channel their powers.  Hmm, ring any bells?  No?  Try this on for size.  Rosemary gives old Blind as a Bat Baumgartner a call and finds out that Guy traded ties with him the day that he was stricken with blindness.  Shit’s about to get real, Rosemary.  Putting two and two together, Rosemary gathers up her purse and hospital suitcase and hightails it to Dr. Saperstein’s office.  Well, I guess she has really only put 2 and 1 together because clearly Dr. Saperstein is as fucked up as the rest of them.

At the doctor’s office, by slip of the receptionist tongue, Rosemary figures out that Saperstein is in on the whole business of witches due to his affinity for tannis root so she waddles out of there as fast as her pregnant legs will carry her.

After some tension filled moments with an old pervert at a phone booth, Rosemary wanders over to Dr. Hill’s office.  Rosemary tells Dr. Hill everything from start to finish, including her suspicion that Guy made a deal with the Castevets for fame and fortune in exchange for their first born.  Dr. Hill sits there looking skeptical and it is still blows my mind that this is the guy that starred in Beethoven and Clifford.

Rosemary finally shuts her pie hole and Dr. Hill tells her that while improbable, all her facts do line up.  He allows her to stay in one of the empty doctor rooms.  She calms down a bit, able to rest without worry of Satan lovers keeping her awake with their naked chanting.  Unfortunately for Rosemary, while she was busy sleeping, Dr. Hill made a couple phone calls to Guy and Dr. Saperstein who are now here to collect her sorry ass.  Bet she wishes she had chugged that vodka months ago.  Then this whole baby thing would be a non-issue.

Dr. Saperstein and Guy take Rosemary back to the apartment where she once again tries to escape by dumping her purse on the floor by the elevator.  The wise black man is bested by that minx Rosemary who hijacks his elevator upstairs.  She jumps out at the seventh floor and locks herself into her apartment.  Once again, luck is not on Rosemary’s side as we already knew upon moving in that the gateway to hell lives right inside her hallway closet.

Rosemary really can’t catch a break as Saperstein and Co. have busted in and proceed to drug the shit out of her.

We’re in luck!  It’s baby time!

After some serious drugs and sedatives, Rosemary wakes sans baby and with creepy Guy.  He tells she gave birth to a boy and after some more laying around, she finally wakes up demanding to see her baby.  Dr. Saperstein comes in and tells Rosemary that her baby boy died from complications but the silver lining is that she’s in the clear for future births.  Whew, that’s a relief.  I’m sure she’ll get right to it, what with this pregnancy being so smooth and regular.  She calls bullshit and starts freaking out again.  Good old Sap sticks her with some more drugs and it’s back to La La land for Rosey.

Guy sits with Rosemary while she’s in bed and tells her that all her psychotic ramblings were caused by pre-partum something or other and that she was really batshit fucking crazy for awhile.  Rosemary says nothing, still convinced that her baby is alive and carrying a pitchfork as we speak.

That night, watching the boob tube, Rosemary hears the cries of a baby through her thin walls which finally prove to be good for something besides listening to your neighbors bang.  With this realization, Rosemary stops taking the pills that the witches watching over her keep supplying and starts concocting another plan to find her baby.  I’m not sure why they haven’t just eaten her fingers yet since she is of no use to them anymore but whatevs, I’m not a witch so I don’t know their thought process.

Finally, after her watchers are asleep, Rosemary hops up out of bed to figure out what’s going on.  She throws on her “I Mean Business” slippers and robe and starts exploring the hallway closet she so thoughtfully decorated just nine short months ago.

In the closet, she discovers an entrance way into Minnie and Roman’s apartment and after almost being discovered by Guy, she grabs a knife and marches into the Castevets coven house.  Well, I’ll give her this.  Bitch is braver than I am.  I’d just chalk the baby and evil husband up as a loss and move to Florida if all this shit happened to me.  At least I could be tan while sorting through my paranoia issues.

In the Castevets living room she realizes all her suspicions are finally true, that her stupid baby is actually alive and being groomed as the Antichrist.  No one pays the crazy lady with a knife any mind since these are the people that eat kids for a mid day snack.  A knife wielding lunatic is nothing special in these parts.  Finally someone notices her and Rosemary demands to see her kid.  After seeing her little devil spawn, Rosemary is horrified that such a cretin could come out of her ladybits.

Roman drops the bomb that Satan had his way with Rosemary and then convinces her that little Lucifer really needs his Mom, despite the whole Ruler of All That Is Evil stuff.  Finally, the stupid baby won’t shut the fuck up like a typical normal non-demonic baby and Rosemary’s motherly instincts take over.  I guess she figures one devil baby is better than no baby at all.  I always knew she was an idiot.