Russian Dolls: Model Behavior

“Beauty may open doors, but only virtue enters.”

-Russian Proverb

So guess what that means? Yep, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and while some people may look beautiful on the outside, they’re ugly on the inside. So this episode must be about Anastasia again.

Diana, Anna and Anastasia are all in Anna’s home, which means Anna and Anastasia must have made up at some point. Which means we have more opportunities to watch them fight again. They’re getting all dolled up, as usual. With hair extensions in place, Diana mugs for the camera and wonders if this look will finally help her land a husband.

Yeah. Yeah, I think it will…

But this time, they’re not getting ready for a night on the town, but for their potential calendar shoot! That’s right – the girls have entered a local calendar competition (except for Anna; she’s too good for that) and they’re really excited. After all, “Calendar Girls” is a huge deal in Brighton Beach! It’s pure luck, of course, that Eugene, the show organizer, calls to let them know they’ve made it to the finals. Yep, out of 100 submissions, Eugene has chosen 16 finalists. Wait, 16 finalists, you ask? Aren’t there only 12 months in a calendar? Yes, explains Diana while she moves just enough to jiggle her boobs during her on-camera interview, they narrow it down to 12 – one girl for each month, in case you’re stupid.

Oh darn… I wanted to have both of my girls in the calendar!

Wait… that means Diana and Anastasia will have to compete against each other for a spot in the calendar. Uh-oh.

But they’re not focused on that. They are way too excited – if they win, their jugs will be seen by everyone in Brighton Beach! Actually, they’re both going into it with a positive attitude. Throughout the episode, they talk about both winning – after all, they’re in this together! All for one and one for… oh, whatever, says Diana. Dianastasia, exclaims Anastasia in a show of unity. Just like Bennifer – and they totally stuck it out! So, if one loses, the other won’t do the calendar, right?

What you talking about, Willistasia?

And Diana is also excited because many girls have met their husbands this way – which is all she’s in it for. She’s so stoked she shakes her boobies real hard this time. It’s an excellent advertisement for a future husband. If only I had thought of that first…

On their way to the living room the girls run into Beba, Anna’a adorable grandma who lives on the couch. Poor Beba doesn’t look like she can get up, which doesn’t stop the girls from slapping her silly with high-fives. Anna tells us a touching story about how grandma used to be hot and had men falling all over her. Beba gave HERSELF the nickname of “Diamond” because she felt she was a rare jewel!

What happened to my youth? I wish I were dead.

Well, now we know where Anna gets her confidence from. I’m not doing the calendar competition because I’m way too busy with my modeling school and I have waaayyy too much experience under my belt, Anna says as she takes pictures of Diana with a duck. Yes, the girls have gone to Anna for model training, who conducts a mock photo shoot with a stuffed animal.

My modeling school is in Brighton Beach, in case anyone is interested!

Anna gives them great advice, like how to stick your butt out when you pose. But Diana doesn’t need help. “Just because I didn’t open a modeling school doesn’t mean I don’t know how to pose,” she says. Just to show us, she does some poses in a much lower-cut shirt this time.

I call this one the Marilyn Monrovastasia!

Anastasia doesn’t fair so well. This girl is just a zero on the personality scale – but she KNOWS she is HOT –  and that’s all she needs! “I”m not worried at all,” she says. “Me and Diana are definitely gonna win.”

Enough of that. Let’s go to the home of a real Russian beauty: Renata! Cute, sweet Renata is modeling off dresses for her husband, Boris. Sure, she’s doing it to get him excited, but she’s also deciding which dress to wear to the Calendar Girls competition. Renata is hosting the event, but seems a little intimidated. You see, all the girls there will be young and beautiful, and she wants to look good. At 47, it’s not easy to walk into room of 20-somethings and stand out. Boris, being the loving husband he is, tells her one of the dresses makes her look hotter than a 17-year-old girl (gross). Then he promptly orders her to change her outfit so no one can ogle his property.

Finally, Renata finds the perfect dress – and Boris LOOOOVES it! He loves it so much he orders her to spin around so he can look up her skirt – yet this time, he doesn’t like what he sees. STOP! says Boris. What is that? Oh, it’s just a little vein, Renata explains. Little? says Boris! Little my ass! I’m leaving you!

I don’t think I can STOMACH being married to someone who’s not perfect.

No, he doesn’t leave her. But he’s so disappointed you’d think he’s about to. I’m ok with it, says Renata. After all, it’s not affecting her health, right? Doesn’t matter. “We have to do something about it,” says Boris. You look gorgeous – from knees up! But from knees down, you have a problem, he tells her. Yeah, he really says that. Poor Renata just takes it.

Internal Monologue: Just hold off til the cameras leave to start crying. Just a little longer… you can do this… Waaaaaaa!

But Boris feels he has the right as her husband/manager to say these things. Renata’s a performer, he explains, so she HAS to look good. Therefore I am right, just like every Russian man! In the end, they play Russian Roulette to decide. No, I kid. Renata asks Shura, her trusted dog, whether she should see a doctor about this. No, I’m not kidding. Shura whines and leaves the room, which Boris takes as a “yes.”

Now it’s time for the hi-lar-i-ous comedy stylings of Abbott and Costello – I mean, Albert and Diana. I think Russian woman don’t take crap from anyone, but in the bedroom, they need to be dominated, he theorizes. Diana pipes in with a long explaination that basically amounts to, “Yep. That’s how I like to do it.” And that’s our show, folks! Good night!

Russian women, we like the slapid-de-slappity, if you know what I mean! Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

Yuck. It’s the day of the photo shoot already, and the girls are getting ready at a local salon. Right off the bat, Anastasia knows she’s in. “I think I have a pretty good shot at this – just like, looking at these creatures or whatever.” Yes, Anastasia says that about the other contestants, all while the producers play shots of girls who may not be considered as attractive as Anastasia. Shame on everyone here. I just hope there’s no question and answer portion of this pageant, for her sake.

Anastasia may say she’s not intimidated by the other girls, but she’s definitely not acting like she has any self-esteem. In fact, she’s totally wigging over her hair, which the stylist isn’t doing right. Her curls are too skinny or something – who knows! She’s only been on screen for 30 seconds and she’s already having a meltdown. “I paid $800 for my extensions,” she says, and they’re messing them up! Not one to hold back her emotions, Anastasia tells her stylist what a moron she is, then completely has a meltdown, tears and screaming and everything. Among the things she manages to blurt out?

• You don’t know how to curl hair.
• What are you doing? You’re supposed to be a professional!
• Do it this way/that way!
• It’s ugly/horrible!
• I look like a poodle.
• I’m not going. I quit!
• I’m hungry! I want my bottle!

Somebody get me a Zanax! (Yes, she actually said that, too!)

Needless to say, meltdowns aren’t taken lightly in the fashion world. Oh, who am I kidding? They’re totally acceptable, if you’re Naomi Campbell. Unfortunately, Anastasia is not, and by the time her friends have arrived to calm her down, it’s too late. The damage is done, and the salon owner is just about ready to kick Anastasia out.

Anna’s pretty embarrassed for her. I wanted to take the curling iron myself and beat her with it – hard, Anna tells us. I don’t blame her – she is a somewhat professional model who has a reputation to uphold – who wants to be associated with that? But Diana stands by her friend and calms her down. “I’m not gonna do it. I don’t want to embarrass myself,” says Anastasia, referring to her hair and not her attitude.

Finally, Diana manages to convince her to go through with it. But Anastasia isn’t one to apologize. Even though no one knew what they were doing, my hair turned out nice, she says. Besides, if I didn’t tell them what to do, it would have turned out wrong. Some people need criticism, she explains to Anna. Anna tries to set her straight. “There’s no point in lashing out,” she tells Anastasia. So have more respect for people, she advises nicely. But behind her back. Anna giddily reveals that if Anastasia keeps acting like a 4-year-old, the photo shoot is going to be a disaster. But it’s ok – I can’t wait to watch that bitch fail miserably, either.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? What? Diana? Well, I guess I’ll just have to sabotage her too!

Renata is forced to see the doctor about her varicose vein, and boy, was it suspenseful! I don’t like to see doctors, she says, but Boris is making me. After filling out some forms and slipping into a pink towel and matching necklace, Renata meets Dr. Goldberg. And she gets good news – it will only take an injection to correct her vein. No surgery is needed? Awesome! Let’s do it! But then the doc tells her her health is not at stake and the treatment is purely cosmetic. And you know what that means – insurance won’t cover it!

A thousand dollars? That could buy a lot of fish and cigarettes…

The procedure is going to put Boris back a cool $1000. Does Boris look like he has a extra thousand dollars lying around to you? Well… yes, since he looks like a mobster, of course he does!

The girls finally make it to the photo shoot and it’s all very exciting – the place has movie sets and they’re standing in the same spot where Justin Timberlake shot his video!

Wow! I’m never washing my feet again!

Eugene rattles on about the competition while the girls get their makeup done. Just to drive it in, he explains they have 16 finalists, but only 12 positions, so four girls will have to be cut.

And just a little about me: I got a Ph.D. in Math from MIT.

Obviously, Eugene is just trying to psyche the girls out, which is making Diana extremely nervous. Anastasia, on the other hand, looks like she just took a Zanax. Oh wait, she did… But Eugene builds them back up by telling them they look great – You were born for it, baby, he tells them. When you’re done with this meet me in my office and make sure you’re naked.

It. Is. Time. We’re treated to a bunch of shots of the two. Diana looks – and feels – great! I felt like a million bucks, she says, as we see the quality of her work:

You go, girl!

Dare I say Anastasia isn’t just ugly on the inside? No, she doesn’t look bad, but I did notice she appears in far less photos that her nice counterpart.

So did I get the job with “Hustler?”

Where the hell is Eddie? Right here, doing another on-camera testimonial with Albert about what he finds attractive in a woman. An on-camera testimonial that is completely worthless, so let’s move on. Think you’re missing out on something? Go ahead and watch it, then. You’ll be glad you didn’t waste 17 seconds of your life. OK, fine – they actually said a nice personality and not a lot of make-up is what they’re looking for in a girl. Really. Considering Eddie is in love with Anastasia, I think someone may be lying.

We’re back at Renata’s, who’s prepared to tell her hubby about her doctor’s visit. So, Cookie (that’s what Renata calls Boris), the doctor told me it’s ok to let it be. Of course, Boris is not pleased.

That’s not what I paid him to tell you.

But Renata knows how to melt Boris’ heart. She gives him her killer smile and says, “I think I look ok. More than ok – I look adorable.” You go, girl! Renata goes on to explain the procedure is going to set Boris back a thousand dollars, even though she’s the one who makes all the money. “You’re worried about a thousand dollars,” Boris asks? That’s nothing, he says as he returns from the room where he keeps all of his unmarked bills. “Here’s your thousand dollars,” he says, throwing the money in her lap. “Spend it to fix the problem that you have.”

Great. Now I feel like a prostitute, Renata says. Yes, it’s disturbing, but what’s more disturbing is, where did he get this money? I hope the IRS isn’t watching. There’s no time for questions, though – Boris must explain why the procedure is necessary: “It’s (You’re) like a diamond. When you look at it, you see the little imperfection, which just kills it.”

Yeah, well, Beba called herself a diamond and look how she turned out!

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well. Renata explains that as she gets older, there will be more imperfections. Can he fix every single one of them? Of course not!

Frustrated, Boris uses another anology: “It’s (You’re) a brand new f**king car with a scratch on the bumper.” Well, that should be enough to make any woman get up and leave. But not Renata. She takes a different tactic, explaining that she will never look as good as she does now. And she does it with her calm, eerie smile. Realizing he is defeated, Boris decides to back off. Fine! You look better now than the day we met. Forget about the surgery, he says, I love you just the way you are. But I’m keeping the money.

I’m gonna spend it on vein-free strippers instead.

All this fighting has made Boris and Renata horny, so he carries her off into the bedroom, and well, you can figure out what happens next.

Remember when Eddie and Anna fought about gossiping? They’re total hypocrites, because they’ve gotten together just to gossip about Anastasia. Anna tells Eddie everything about the salon incident. Knowing Anastasia is crazy, does he still want to bang her?

Totally.

Eddie decides to be a man and stand up for his best friend. Well, sort of. I can’t really say anything because she’s my BFF, he says, but please, keep talking, cuz I want to hear more. Anna continues to voice her opinion, but Eddie just makes excuses for Anastasia’s behavior. “That’s just how she is,” he says. Rather than calling her a bitch, Eddie says she’s “to the point.” Rather than calling her spoiled, Eddie says she was “raised differently.” But Eddie knows better. “I’ll defend Anastasia to the death, but Anna’s right,” he says. Then he tries to get smart. “Your reputation sticks with you. It’s like gum on the bottom of your shoe.” While he agrees with Anna that you have to watch what you say, he doesn’t admit it to her. The conversation ends with both of them looking frustrated.

It’s the day of the Calendar Girls competition, which will include a runway show right in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Diana is really nervous, but Anastasia doesn’t care. The rest of the girls are ugly as far as she’s concerned, so she has it in the bag. And with a face like this, you know you HAVE to win:

I’m sorry, but you seem to have a little bitch on your face… no, it’s a little to the left, no, up a little bit. Yeah, right there!

Renata, Sveta and Marina will be judging the girls and picking the winners. Apparently Sveta and Marina are over their fight from the last episode, because they’re acting like nothing ever happened. Do you ever get the feeling this is filmed out of order?

It doesn’t matter. Anastasia is super-excited that her boyfriend, Vlad, is here to watch her win. Diana takes a shot to calm her nerves. Anastasia takes one because she needs to self-medicate.

And it’s time! Renata announces the contestants as they walk down the runway. Both girls do great and have a blast as they strut their stuff! But at some point, it has to end – and the girls sit nervously while they wait for the judges to pick the winners. Marina explains that they’re looking for girls with the total package: good looks, a nice personality and a good attitude. Hear that, Anastasia? Anastasia? Oh sorry, I was just told she’s in the bathroom, still trying to wipe the bitch off of her face.

“And now is the moment of truth,” Renata says as she announces the winners. Diana and Anastasia sit anxiously as they listen to the other girls’ names being called. About halfway through, Diana hears her name called, and she jiggles her boobs with excitement. BTW, she’s Miss April, if you want to get the calendar.

Anastasia is happy for her friend, but her steely wall of arrogance is finally starting to break down. Finally, there are five girls left – but only one position! And the name Renata calls – I don’t remember – but it’s not Anastasia! “I didn’t get chosen? Is this like a serious joke,” she asks? Fighting back tears, she looks at her friends, who all seem shocked. Well, Anna seems like she’s laughing inside, but everyone else looks shocked. And Diana feels bittersweet – happy she won, but sad for her friend, etc. But really more happy she won.

Anastasia’s friends console her, telling her they don’t understand why she lost. I can tell you, says Renata – it’s because you were a crazy bitch at the salon. OK, she doesn’t call her a crazy bitch, but she definitely tells her the salon incident is what sunk her. Isn’t karma a bitch, asks Anna?

Well, Anastasia thinks that is so unfair! “That is such a stupid reason not to get picked,” she says. “I’m not having that!” So you know what she does to try to get them to change their minds? She throws another fit!

Albert tells her to keep her cool. Anastasia even manages to tell Diana, “I’m really happy you won, buy the way,” albeit rather insincerely. “I’m really sad that you didn’t,” replies Diana, even more insincerely.

BFFs Forever. Or at least until one of them screws the other’s boyfriend.

Anastasia feels she’s been wronged. “If this were an American salon with American judges, that would never go down,” she says. Um, last I heard, the salon was in Brighton Beach, in America, which means it’s an American salon. Idiot.

But that doesn’t matter. Anastasia feels she lost because of “gossip,” not her actions. Worse yet, she can’t believe a lowly salon owner had the power to ruin her chance at stardom. And rather than trying to set her straight, her friends enable her to rant about the injustices she’s experienced that night. I was a victim, Anastasia says in her on-camera testimonial. Now, keep in mind here that these are filmed after the fact, so Anastasia has had a few days to think about it.

Vlad drags her away from the party before she hurts someone. She continues to rant, calling the judges “worms” before Vlad cuts her off. “It’s embarrassing,” she squeals! But rather than slap some sense into her, Vlad tells Anastasia that he’s here for her and kisses her hand in a sweet moment. “You’re the only one who makes me happy,” Anastasia tells him as they drive away.

Why do I get the feeling it’s only going to get worse?