Russian Dolls Recap: New Year, Same Slutty Old You

“You are destined to spend the entire new year, the way you ring the New Year in.”

-Russian Proverb

One second into this and I’m already extremely annoyed. First of all, as a copy editor, I say lose the comma. Second, I know this is some sort of foreshadowing that this show is going to involve some sort of vodka-infused drama. Thank god I don’t celebrate the Russian New Year.

Yes, it’s Russian New Year’s, and according to the proverb, someone on this show is about to have a drunken, trashy year. I’m not going to say who, but I will say this: If you liked Diana in the previous episode, you’re going to kick yourself after this one.

The girls are excited about Russian New Year – it’s the biggest party at Brighton Beach, and this year it’s being held at Rasputin. Go Figure. The girls need to look super-hot, according to Diana, so our three ingenues go to their local stripper store for a great outfit. And that’s where the drama starts.

All seems to be going well until Anastasia and Diana make plans for getting their nails done without Anna, which would be fine if Anna wasn’t standing right there. “Just exclude me,” Anna yells, throwing her hands up in the air in a jealous fit. Well, then come with us, says Anastasia. Actually, I have plans on Thursday, says Anna.

And that’s where it starts. Diana explains that this is typical of Anna – she gets upset about being excluded, but plays the “way too busy and important for you” card when they do include her.

But who cares about Anna? Look at what I can do with my boobs and my mouth.

But Anna IS important. She has something to brag about – she has a photo shoot tomorrow! One she arranged herself for her website, but who cares? Someone is taking pictures of her. Unfortunately, Anna doesn’t get the reaction she wants from her friends, so she goes into full bitch mode, bragging about her lifestyle and turning her back on Diana as she talks to Anastasia. “If you don’t care about my stuff, then I don’t care about your stuff,” she says to Diana as she walks away from her when Diana tries to show her a dress.

Diana and Anastasia don’t care about anyone but themselves, Anna says. Hey Anna, remember when Diana came to your fashion show? Oh, never mind, the irony will get lost in the mundane shuffle of your brain anyway.

“Are you mad at me,” Diana asks Anna. I’m not mad, says Anna. I just don’t think you listen to me.

I’m sorry. What were you saying?

Anastasia and Diana try to tell Anna they do care about her, but she’s not having any of it. It’s pretty obvious that the problem is that Anna doesn’t stop talking about herself long enough to breathe – and she comes off as so self-centered that one might believe she doesn’t actually listen to Anastasia or Diana. But reality shows can be deceiving, so I’m trying not to judge.

OK I’ll judge. I think they’re all pretty self-centered, and by the end of the show I am convinced they all suck. You’ll see why soon…

In case you were too focused on Diana’s boobs to hear her explanation of Russian New Year’s, Marina and Michael will explain it for you. Marina’s boobs are no where near as fascinating, so it should be easier to focus:

Marina: Russian New Year’s is the party of the year. Everyone gets dressed to the nines…
Michael: Everyone in Brighton Beach wants to be there.
Marina: Shut up. I’m talking.

Now that that’s over, let’s go back to Diana and her boobs. We cut to Diana & Anastasia’s apartment, where Diana is unceremoniously bidding away the old year farewell while welcoming the new one. She doesn’t even have a drink in her hand. But she’s about to visit Marina’s mother-in-law, who happens to be a fortune teller. Diana is excited – the woman has absolutely no direction in life, so it would be great if some random person who doesn’t know her can tell her what to do.

Anastasia, on the other hand, is “terrified” of tarot card readings. Not only does she not want anyone to screw with her destiny of spending the rest of her life in college and marrying Vlad, but she believes tarot card readings may summon the devil into her life.

Have you watched the show? Because I’m pretty sure he’s already here, babe.

But being the good friend she is, Anastasia agrees to accompany Diana to her reading. “Who else is coming,” she asks? “I believe… Anna’s coming,” Diana says with a pause and a look in her eye that can only mean one thing: She has something up her sleeve.

It’s time for the tarot card reading, and Eva, Marina’s mother-in-law, meets the girls at Marina’s house. I’m not sure why Anna’s here, because she’s not cool with this at all. It’s just a way for people to make a few extra bucks, she says. But if there’s a camera around, Anna shows up. Finally, the lights are dimmed, and Eva explains that these are her mother’s tarot cards – she was a fortune teller as well, so it runs in the family. Eva has Anna split the deck, then distributes the cards in a weird formation on the table. She then tells Anna that her friendship card is unimportant, and she doesn’t depend on anybody. Anna agrees. Yeah, friends aren’t important – they don’t matter to me, she says in front of the other girls. But what’s more important, Eva explains, is your business. For someone who’s just in it for the $10, Eva is pretty spot-on. Diana is stoked by the reading. She’s right, your business is the most important thing in your life, and your friends come after that, Diana says with a smirk.

Yeah, I already said that.

“In the future,” says Eva, “you are the only one who can help yourself.”

And beware the Ides of March!

Anna is flabbergasted. How did she know all that, she wonders? She was right on the money! Meanwhile, someone from the production crew slips Eva a $20.

Now it’s Diana’s turn. “This card shows that you are thinking about two men,” says Eva. And there’s a woman you don’t like. Well, Diana needs no other explanation. “This is definitely true,” she squeals! The two guys are Eddie and Albert, Diana explains. Then she looks directly at Anna to deliver her next line: And you’re the girl I don’t really care for. Apparently Anna doesn’t seem to remember two seconds ago, when Eva told her she doesn’t have any friends.

Well, that’s not very nice now, is it? Needless to say, all hell breaks loose, and a fight breaks out between the two. You don’t care, yells Diana. You’re right, I don’t care about you, yells Anna. So why are they fighting? Well, because there’s a camera there. Diana makes several complaints, including the fact that Anna spends too much time looking in her mirror when she comes to Diana’s house. And that’s not cool, because it’s the only way Diana has to communicate with the little majestical man who tells her SHE’S the fairest girl in Brighton Beach!

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Now the tables are turned. Anna states that Diana is just saying these things to get attention – she feeds off of it. There’s a whole discussion over who’s disrespecting whom, when Anna finally storms out. But the damage is done. I wouldn’t have yelled at her in someone else’s house, but she deserved it, says Anastasia before she and Diana storm out as well. They leave poor Eva standing there, flabbergasted, and most likely, unpaid.

Great. Now who’s gonna help me pick up the tarot cards?

Marina must have slept through the whole thing, because Eva doesn’t tell her about it til the next morning – and Marina is not happy they they fought in her house. I’m not the type of person who likes conflict, she says. Of course, she didn’t seem to mind it when she had in out with Sveta in front of all of Brighton Beach at Rasputin, but who’s keeping tabs? Regardless, she has a point: It was not cool of them to bring their drama into her house to affect her family’s lives, and she’s not having it again – nor will she let them act like this at Rasputin on Russian New Years. Eva agrees. Their life is too simple, she says. They have nothing better to do but quarrel about dumb stuff.

Oh, you hard-working elders. You just don’t understand young peoples’ problems.

Diana and Anastasia can give two shits about fighting with Anna, but they feel bad they did so in Marina’s house – so they stop by to make peace. To make things better, they bring her some Napoleon cake – and everyone loves a good piece of Napoleon cake! I hate this fighting and this drama, Diana tells Marina.

So why did you start it, then?

But they’re not finished – rather than take the high road, they continue to explain why Anna is such a bitch. But Marina understands. When you have three women together, there’s always drama, she says. Just, whatever you do, don’t let it happen at Rasputin on New Years, Marina repeats, which is obvious foreshadowing. Oh no problem, say the girls with a wink.

Hey, what do Eddie and Albert think about all of this? Let’s ask them!

What? Diana mentioned both of us at the tarot card reading? You know what that means: Three-way!

Actually, their opinions were much worse. Girls are jealous of each other, explains Eddie. Yeah, says Albert, and they hotter they are, the more they fight. Fat girls make really good friends, he continues. I would just love to know where these guys got their psychology degrees.

It’s time for the big night, and Diana and Anastasia are appropriately dressed in matching animal-print hooker outfits. They invite Eddie to come over for pre-party sex drinks, and he’s appropriately dressed in a pink shirt from 1985. Meanwhile, lonely Anna goes to Albert’s house for drinks, and he makes pink cocktails to go Eddie’s shirt. Too bad he’s not there.

I invited Anna and Albert, says Eddie. Uh-oh. Now the girls are forced to tell Eddie about their quarrel with Anna. At the exact same time, Anna tells Albert her side of the story. And so we go, cutting back and forth between the two conversations, which couldn’t be less newsworthy. Both men seem to side to Anna. I think Russian women just fight in general, Eddie tells them. They’re just jealous of you, Albert tells Anna. The men hope it can all be put behind them so there’s no conflict tonight – and Eddie is relieved to see Diana’s done nails, which obviously means there won’t be a cat fight.

Whatta you mean? I can still take her!

Let’s move on. It’s time for resolutions, except Russians do their resolutions differently. They write their resolutions on paper, then burn them and put them in their drinks and drink them. What are their resolutions? Anna wants to provide for her family. Eddie’s is health and commitment. Diana’s is two-faced… I mean, double sided, to: 1) to have a good family, and 2) love, money and success. Anastasia’s is to have money, be successful, make her parents happy, to finish school and to be happy with Vlad, etc. (the girl never stops talking). Albert just wants his hair to start growing back.

Anna: Don’t say your wish out loud or it will never come true!
Albert: Damn!

Needless to say, the night doesn’t go well. It doesn’t even start off well. From the moment Anna joins the others at the table, Diana and Anastasia go out of their way to make her life a living hell. Not that she does anything to prevent it. Anna says hello to everyone but Diana – an obvious diss. When Eddie tries to give a toast to friendship, Anastasia won’t have it. Let’s just toast to ourselves, she says. Then Diana insults Anna as she speaks to the waiter. “I can’t stand the sound of her voice,” she says loudly. She follows it up with, “I feel like I’m sitting in a kindergarten classroom. There are the mature people, and there are the immature people.”

Which one are you?

Can we be civil, Anna asks. I can’t hear you, Diana says, sticking her fingers in her ears. Then, and I kid you not, Diana creates an imaginary barrier between the two – the kind my sister made when I wasn’t allowed to come over to her side of the room. When Anna speaks, she’s told not to cross the barrier, then she’s yelled at for “listening” to that side of the table’s conversation – the really loud conversation that everyone in the restaurant can hear.

They’re so loud that they attract the attention of everyone in the restaurant – including Michael and Marina. Now Rasputin in a classy place, and fighting is only allowed during jewelry shows. So Marina and Michael go over to the girls’ table and nicely ask them to keep it down. “Can I sit with you guys,” Eddie asks as they approach.

If I were somewhere else, I would throw a plate at her, Diana says to her side of the table – but loud enough that Anna can hear. Anna lets it all roll off of her – until Anastasia calls her a Russian hillbilly. And if there’s one thing you don’t call a Russian, it’s a hillbilly. What on earth is a Russian hillbilly, you ask? “A Russian hillbilly is someone who’s loud, obxnious, rude and full of dra-ma,” Anastasia explains.

Kinda like me!

Oh, the irony! If only Anastasia could look in Diana’s evil mirror, she might gain some insight into her life. But she’s been drinking, as usual, and there’s no time for self-exploration.

Diana has had enough! She asks Anastasia to go with her to the bathroom. After complaining she just wants a little peace and quiet to enjoy her night with the boys, what does Anna do? Well, follow them in there to stir up more conflict, of course. And what better place to have a fight than a women’s bathroom? There’s plenty of porcelain surfaces to bang someone’s think little skull against.

Anna walks into the ladies’ room, where Diana and Anastasia are busy cattily comparing her to the dirt on the bottom of their shoes. Just to prove her point, Anastasia picks up a piece of toilet paper from the floor and wipes Diana’s shoe with it before throwing it away. Why? Because she’s disgusting, that’s why.

Get down on your knees, peasant, and wipe my feet!

Why did you call me a hillbilly, Anna asks Anastasia. But before Anastasia can answer, Anna goes off on a tirade. I would tell you everything she said, but Anastasia yells so much over her that you can’t make out half the stuff that comes out of her mouth. So here’s what I heard: First of all, I didn’t know you had something against me … so you call me a hillbilly? … Disrespectful … talking about class … out of nowhere you call me a … do you know how disrespectful that …

Finally, I actually hear something Anastasia says: I kept my distance from you for a long time… and the fighting begins again. When Anna tells Anastasia she doesn’t care about either of them, Anastasia tells her she sees right through her. “I’m the daughter of a damn psychiatrist, bitch. I know what the f*** is up,” Anastasia says in the manner a professional psychiatrist would address her patient. I, for one, am amazed by her background. I had no idea being the daughter of a medical professional qualifies you to practice. That’s awesome – my cousin is a doctor, so I guess I don’t have to go through all those years of schooling to become one, too, as I am now a doctor by association. Somebody give me a scalpel.

What’s Diana doing this whole time, you ask? Nothing. Well, fixing her makeup in the mirror and pretending not to listen. Diana finally turns around and adds her support as Anastasia screams out her final last words: Leave if you don’t care. Go back to your modeling school.

Yeah, well, go back to doing nothing, Anna retorts. And tell your little friend to go back to doing nothing, too.

Yeah, we’ll do that. We’ll go back to being Fab-u-lous, Anastasia screams back. And here’s the weird thing – Diana really is doing nothing. Through the fight, she stares at the same spot, never moving and appearing eerily like a mannequin. Here, look:

Did you know you have a striking resemblance to Kim Catrall?

45 minutes later. Creepy, right?

“Fabulously sad, baby,” Anastasia screams after Anna for some reason as she walks away. Anna turns around, sends an air kiss and gives them the finger before walking out. Classy. And it’s too bad Anna is gone, because Diana is ready to rumble! Everything she just said, is just flushed down the toilet, Diana screams as she flushes the toilet. Talk to me when you have class, she says as she shuts the stall door. “Anna came to the bathroom looking for a fight, and we gave it to her,” Diana tells the camera man. And she sure did – after Anna left the room. Way to stick it to her, Diana.

And way to wash your hands, too. Ick.

Anna runs to the arms of Eddie to be consoled. I’m so sick of being disrespected, she wails. I don’t want to fight (too late)! Eddie tries not to take sides – you girls need to resolve this on your own, he tells her. But I did nothing wrong to these two psychos, she says! Anna then corners Eddie, complaining that Diana is not a good person. Eddie tries desperately not to get into it, but is caught mid-conversation by Diana, who walks right up to them. “Do you have something to say,” she says as she stares poor Eddie down.

It’s not long before Anastasia enters the picture, and they both berate Anna for talking about them behind their backs. I’m not sure if they remember the whole toilet-paper-on-the-show incident in the bathroom, but again, there seems to be little awareness of one’s own faults on this show. It’s painful for the two boys to watch, who just stand there, dumbfounded.

Hey – cool it, you guys – Marina is coming!

Yes, Marina shows up – and after hearing Diana call Anna “stupid” at the top of her lungs, she decides to kick Diana and Anastasia out. Well, Diana and Anastasia just don’t understand why. “Unbelievable! Anna blamed it on us and WE get kicked out,” Diana says. But she continues her rant all the way out the door, threatening to kick Anna’s tiny little model ass if she passes her. OK, that’s enough, time to go, Michael says as he shuffles them out the door.

Needless to say, Vlad is less than pleased by his girlfriend’s shenanigans. I’m sick and tired of this s***. You do this every time, he says as he throws Anastasia’s purse at her.

It’s a match made in douche bag heaven.

Diana and Anastasia are really angry, too. So much for a happy new year, says Anastasia as they walk down the streets in defeat.

Well, at least we still have our dignity!

Thanks to that dumb hillbilly, I had to spend Russian New Year in the parking lot, Diana says. Yeah, it’s all her fault. But Anna doesn’t care. As the girls and Vlad shiver in the cold, she dances the night away. Anna has won – this round, at least.

I’m gonna party like it’s 1999!

Sorry this recap is so late, my little babushkas. I’ll be caught up soon, I swear!