Saddle Ranch: Demotion Minus Emotion

Happy 3-day weekend, you lazy bitches!  Boy do I need it!  Phew!  My imaginary job has just been too much lately.  Teeheehee.  Actually, my college/sorority bestie is in town, and I couldn’t be more thrilled!  Whoop whoop! Btw- yes, I was in a sorority. I know, right?  Barely made it through an entire two semesters before gettin’ the boot from my “sisters”.  Well, officially, I was simply ”not welcome to affiliate” upon my upcoming transfer to Auburn University in the fall, and I was neither shocked, nor insulted.  It all had to do with my inability to attend any University function less than shit-housed (dry campus, mind you), and then a Fraternity formal in New Orleans that…..um…..how should I put this……went awry? Look, all I remember is making out with my friend (female, and also in my sorority/pledge class), and waking up face-down on the floor of my suite, fully-clothed in last nights’ outfit (shoes still on and all), with dried up chili all over my face and under my nails, mmkay?  Not my proudest moment, but at that point, I was so used to being “called to standards” almost weekly for this or that, that i’d begun to arrive at the sorority house for “chapter” a half-hour early every week for my regular shamefest, whether called upon to or not.  Anyhoo, my bestie who’s visiting shared in all my actions tarnishing to the sorority’s rep, and we had a damn good time through it all.  Needless to say, my dumbass went out and drank for the first time last night in……well……I’m not even sure, and our broke-asses had to “flask it” like the classy young ladies we are.  One scheduled lunch-date, a stripper booby-sweat stain on my fave shirt, and a massive hangy later, and I’m shockingly up to recapping this week’s ep for ya!!!  Maybe i’m still drunk……hmmm*hiccup*……..

Montage of what we’ve seen (clips from ep 1′s promise of a competition of sorts between rival employees).  Montage of what we’re gonna see.  Apparently, our long-lost castmate Kameron is back in the mix, and gets pulled from the bar to sell shots (ugh. Quit, bitch. You don’t have to take that shit), and I might be speaking too soon, but it looks like we might be relieved of a Racheal tantrum this week!  Fingers. Crossed.  Oh, and some sexual tension between Nancee and M.O.O.  Ick.

Dammit.  And that’s exactlywhere we’re gonna start.  Flirting, Cabo plans, and talk of flying to Vegas to get married.  Ruh rooooooh…..then this:

This Cracked-out Bootleg-Heidi Montag-with-Slightly-Better-Job lookin’ bitch better step off Nancee’s man, yo!

They’re having a really obnoxious convo (if you can even call it that) about the fact that he and Nancee aren’t “together”.  Dirty Heidi is doing most of the talking/squealing/twitching and makes some reeeeally grown-up comment about Nance being “totally infatuated” with him.  HATER!!!  Ok, she’s kinda-sorta correct, but I think “totally infatuated” is a bit of a stretch, Miss Thang.  Either way, that Skank aint got a trip to Cabo on tap, so she can take her scrawny, L.E.I. jeans-wearin’ ass and be gone.  Can I take a Tangent moment (yes, before we’ve even made it through scene #1), and point out the annoying fact that this douche (M.O.O.) is clearly somewhat of a “stud”  among the SR staff?  I know this guy’s deal, though.  He can’t fake the funk with Tmurda.  M.O.O. is the dude you went to school with through the years, but he wasn’t noticed/popular/part of the “in crowd” till  like sophmore/junior year of HS.  He made the transition by default.  Either he got a drastic, more current/stylish/spikey haircut over the summer, girls took notice and brought him in, OR he had the Queen B as a lab partner, got on her good side, and ended up with a party invite,  and never looked back.  He managed to stick around by speaking very little and doing a lot of keg-stands.  My point is, this guy appears pretty attractive to the untrained eye, but is nothing more than a sarcastic comment here and there, and some hair gel.  Basically, his personality sucks ass, but he’s a Greek God in Nancee’s world, got it?

Back to the flirtfest.  Nance IVs that M.O.O. says he doesn’t pay the “SR Whore-Pool” any mind, but she’s no idiot.  She knows whassup.  Maybe cause he’s doin it right in front of her.  He cracks some un-funny joke, then tells Nance “I’m just jerkin’ your chain”, to which she replies “Well, I’m NOT jerkin’ your chain, so maybe that’s the issue.” all sarcastic-like.  BURN!!!  Even Heidi Hoe agrees that that was a “good one”.

Cassie’s sitting at Robb’s bar (daytime-btw), and he asks what she’s doin there.  She came to retrieve her car after leaving it there overnight while partying, and tells Robb as much.  Robb gets all dad/judgemental/sarcastic-like saying “Oh that sounds responsible”, with a half-mini eyeroll.  Huh?

“How am I gonna get through to you, Young Lady?! You kids just think you’re invicible…”

Someone help this Tool, please

Sheesh!  It’s not like she woke up only by being violently slapped in the face by mom and dad, covered in her own puke and urine with no recollection of the last 15hrs, much less where in the world her car might be or something!……………..NVM.  They have a discussion about how Candy had mentioned giving Cass a chance behind the bar, and will she, or won’t she, blah yawn blah.  Cass says some shit about her reasoning for wanting that chance being that she can make the same amount of money workin’ 10:30pm-close BAR as she does workin’ 5:00pm-close ShotHoe.  Newsflash, Twinkletoes- the “-close” part is slightly different for a bartender than a ShotTwat.  You’re gonna be stuck in the building up to like 2 extra hours after the doors are locked.  You’ll have CC slips (usually a stack) to enter into the computer system one-by-one, a drawer of money to count down, a hellified amount of cleaning/sidework to do, then you gotta be the one stuck waitin’ on Candy to finish HER shit so ya’ll can “safely” walk out together.  It’s a massive pain in the ass, and I just had to point that out.  But, I have the feeling this girl would do pretty well in any position at SR, cause she’s got a pretty stellar attitude, so whatevs.   We’ll see.  Robb tells us that Cass always dates mega douchelords (as opposed to busted-up, immature, jealous, dramatic, alchy, loud-mouthed asshole s/a his delicate flower of a a GF?), therefore, he’s pleased with her choice to persue things with Nick.  I disagree severely.  His advice for her?  “Let him buy you some dinner, get to know him, become friends, if you end up liking him, then you like him.”  Thanks for that enlightening guidance, Robb.  I’m sure she’d never thought of approaching it like that.  What now?  Is she gonna go seek out Candy for some make-up tips?  Sheesh.

Nighttime at SR.  A group of 15 Gutter-sluts come walking in, and M.O.O. blows a load in his pants.  He IVs that this group of “ladies” is “beautiful”, “wearin’ their short skirts, with their big boobs”, etc.  First off, vomit.  Second, this is why we (chicks) get annoyed and pissed off at you (men) for always feeding us that bullshit about how you prefer a woman with the more “natural” look.  Ya know, minimal makeup, all natural body, and so on.  Well, provided below is a perfect example of why you will NEVER fool us with that crap.

Yes, she was just described as “beautiful” 2.3 seconds ago.  Case.  Meet point.

Oh, but we TOTES believe you guys about wanting an intelligent girl, so you can carry on an actual conversation with her.  Cause ditzy girls are really just annoying, right?

Clever, this one.  And M.O.O. feels the OPPOSITE of myself in reaction to this comment.  I worked at 2 different Hooters locations.  I’m very familiar with it.

Anyway.  M.O.O. is seriously acting like he’s Fred Durst at the Playboy mansion, minus the money, fame, and chlamydia.  It’s pathetic, for real. Nance is annoyed, but handles it really well.  M.O.O. gets one of the hoes to ride the bull in her cooch-exposing black dress and fishnets.  Yawn. FF.

There’s a customer version of M.O.O. who’s also droolin’ over” Bleachfest 2011″, and he has Nancee runnin’ ass with all the shots he’s buying them.  Here’s a tip, Loser- THE BRIGHT BLUE/PINK/GREEN SHOTS YOU’RE TRYNNA GET THESE TRICKS DRUNK WITH HAVE ABOUT 2 DROPS OF LIQUOR IN THEM! They’re not gonna help ya, Buddy.  Take a stroll down to Skid Row, and don’t come back till you’ve scored some roofies like a grown-up Sexual Predator, mmkay?  Instead, he just decides to leave all together.  Oh, and SPOILER ALERT-he didn’t pay his tab.  Too bad Nancee didn’t get his CC in her hands the second he started buying every vag in the building shots ($13.50 a pop, justsoyouknow).  Well, shall I give Nance the good news or the bad news first?  Bad news is she’s fucked out of $230. The good news is that she’ll never make this mistake again.

Holy hell, can’t this one catch a break?  Crickets?

Oh, and Candy writes her up for it too.  Way to kick her while she’s down, Elvira.

Cassie and Nick’s first official date.  And it’s a Workout Date.  God, I thought the Tattoo Date was obnoxious, but this might have it beat.

Doesn’t look awkward at all, does it?

It’s boring so i’ll sum it up.  Within the first few mins of the “date”, Nick (just like every single other guy who wears shmedium t-shirts from Abercrombie), proves to have zero personality.  Cassie IVs that he’s too nice, it’s unattractive, and she hopes there’s some “rugged man” in there somewhere.  I guess he doesn’t have to stress himself out about her “liking him too much” like he’d originally thought a couple weeks ago, now does he?  Pft.  They have the “How old were you when you lost your virginity” convo, which is always an appropriate first-date topic.  He says 16yrs old (ha, gotcha beat), and she says 21yrs old (eek! Gotcha waaaaay beat), and before I even have time to question the reason for Cassie’s late-bloomage, she answers my question.  “Do you wanna see my ‘fat pictures’?”  HELL MOTHAFUCKIN’ YEAH I DO, TWINKLETOES!!!  Hook. It. UP!

L.O.L.

Awwwe.  Truth be told, she was still pretty cute, ya’ll (I think).  Sooo, she was cute then, she’s super-cute now, and she’s a pretty cool chick for showin’ dude (and us, yipee) her old fat pics on the first date.  Thumbs up.  He’s nice about it (doesn’t laugh), and tells her how good she looks now.  Oh, and he squeezes in a “That’s what she said” joke somewhere in all this. (Groan).

Nighttime at SR.  Cass in in the office asking Candy if she’s gonna get a chance behind the bar.  Hellz yeah, says Candy.  So, she calls Kameron in, and breaks the news to her that she sucks (aka isn’t working in her normal location, thus lacking “regulars” to compare to Racheal’s sales level), so she’ll be ShotClit for tonight so Cass can work the bar.  Kam is annoyed to no end, cause she thinks it’s a dumb idea.  Word.  Fa sho.

Pulled from the bar (seen above).  NOT pulled from the bar (seen actin’ a GOD DAY-UM fool for the last 2 episodes causing all kinds of unnecessary drama for the SR staff)?

Anyone?  No?  Nobody?….I give up.

I just mainly think it’s dumb, cause…..well……it just makes no sense.  Brand new bartender+zero training behind the bar=At least a week or two of day shifts.  All she’s gonna do is get/be in the real bartenders’ way.  This is just too dumb and unrealistic for me to care, at this point.  Long story short, Kameron was apparently brought up by parents who knew what they were doing, cause she sucks it up, pulls a phenominal attitude out of her ass, sells the shit out of some shots, and has a blast.  For real, guys.  Atta girl!  Only 7 episodes in, and we see some adult behavior.  Yay.  Cassie doesn’t do great, but def not bad either.  All in all, Candy announces to them that Cassie’s sales went up 200% from Kam’s earlier on in the shift (no shit; she was put on at the beginning of the night rush), and Candy commends Kam with a big fat “thank you” for kicking ass and having an awesome attitude.  Damn, these peeps are boring when they’re actin’ right.  Where’s Racheal?…..I’d like to buy her a shot.

Jeez.  It’s not over quite yet.  Uncomfortable “almost-date” with M.O.O. and Nancee.  M.O.O. feels that it’s time to clear the air reguarding where these two stand.  OOH!  I KNOW!!! PICK ME! PICK ME! OVER HERE! I KNOW!!!  You see, M.O.O. thinks Nance is the coolest bestie EVA, but doesn’t find her attractive.  Well, unless they get drunk and make-out, of course.  Nance clearly wants more, but is probably somewhere around 11 on the “Relationship Experience” scale, and it shows.

“OMG! I cannot believe you just brought up when we……ya know…..when we were drunk……and we made-……NEVERMIND!….aah!”

Well, that’s MY personal interpretation, anyway.  Cue lots of giggling, twitching, and hyperpigmentation of her face.  And here I am thinkin’ the same thing you guys are.  HEY M.O.O.! I got 4 words for you!  POST CABO TRIP DISCUSSION!  Capeesh?  Ex-nay the Erious-Say, Alk-Tay, Ill-Tay, Ter-Afay, Rip-Tay, Right-Alay, Ickhead-Day?

Back at work, RatPorn is all up in the mix, trynna get some info out of Nance, and I have decided that this IS THE NOSIEST BITCH ON PLANET EARTH!  Get a life, you lonely bitch!  Or go sell somethin’.  Day-um!  From now on, I will bee calling her “First 48″.

“Real talk.  I KNOW that you know more than what you’re tellin’ me, PookieGlock.  If you just go on and tell me now, you’ll save the both of us a WHOLE lotta time..”

Aaaaand scene!  Is anyone out there still awake?  Me neither.  I’m sitting here trying to come up with a quick closing sentence to sum up the events of this ep, and I literally can’t come up with anything.  What happened?  Oh right!  Cassie used to be fat, M.O.O. is still a Toolbox, and the male race is full of shit about preferring the “natural look”.  Ya know, since the “natural” look is what got Pam Anderson, and Carmen Electra all the way to super-stardom with zero talent.

Next week, she’s bAAAAaaack!  The crew goes snowboarding, where *shocker* Racheal gets drunk, mad, and out of hand!  Maybe for episode 8s recap, I can just cut and paste my cap from last week or the one before, and no one would know the difference.  Ya think?  Leave comments, cause reading them makes me feel important in life.  I’m not kidding.  I’ll have my first “The World According to Paris Hilton” cap up my the end of the week for ya’ll to check out!!!!!

Tmurdaxoxoxo