Saddle Ranch: Finale Time, Dude

Hello, my peeps.  This is it ya’ll!  I haven’t the slightest idea why the last two episodes came as a package deal.  I don’t know when the hell they aired, and I don’t give a shit.  We’re gonna just squish them both into one STELLAR recap to end this grueling season, how’s that sound?  Awesome.  Also, I am so tired of looking at these people (the cast), and figured you guys were too, soooooo I’m gonna be sprinkling a couple of MY old bartending photos into the mix, just for funzies.  And FYI, I didn’t maintain that body with excersise and portion control.  I was VERY commited to an Adderal and Vodka diet in my early 20s, and it worked like a charm.  It’s also the reason I am a 28 yr old woman playing catch-up with all the other successful, stable people my age in this world. *sigh*. AND, it’s why I (sadly) relate to the SR group a bit. It’s like they are my rebellious children, destined to make the same mistakes I did, yet all I can do is shake my head, and let them learn the hard way.  Aw shit…I just sounded like I care about these people, huh?  Let’s just jump in before I accidentally turn them into actual human beings, shall we? *shudder*

You know the drill-Montage of what we’ve seen.  Montage of what we’re gonna see.

Night shift at SR.  Some drunk, insecure, tiny-dick havin’ loser tells Kameron that she has a man voice.  She tells him “Yeah, motherfuker, my voice is deep and raspy. What’s your point?  Is that a problem? If my voice is an issue for you, you’re welcome to relocate to either the opposite side of the bar, or Hell. Fuckyouverymuch, and have a nice day!”.  I’m a liar.  She actually left the bar to go cry to her BF on the phone in the parking lot.  She would get fired on the spot for this where I worked.  Not because she’s in the parking lot on her cell during dinner rush, but because that Jerk-off is still sitting on his barstool with all his teeth still in his mouth.  Guess which bartender would have put him in check?

New Year’s Eve 2007

“Would you like to hear about our specials for the night, Sir? We have a shrimp skewer in your jugular, a lovely glass-shard burger, and a broken bottle on your skull w/ a side of fresh brain matter. Do you need a minute to decide?”

Oh, and she’s crying.  You guys, I could write a book on the awful, out of line, unbelievable things that have been said to me working in the service industry.  “Man voice” woulda been a complement in my world.  Servers/Bartenders should be required to attend and survive a “Thick-Skin Bootcamp” before they can deal with drunks. Here is the “Cliff Notes” version of Lesson #1: When a person tries to make you look stupid,  remain unaffected, make THEM look stupid instead, and they will leave you alone.  Got it?  This is just a lesson for life in general.

As Kam is wrapping up her pep-talk with BF, Candy performs a rather panicked version of “Fetch the Slack-off”, and we can only assume  by these theatrics that there’s some crucial emergency taking place inside that will have catastropic consequences if not tended to by Kameron immediatly.  Oh, NVM-I forgot that Candy just grew up desperatly trying to achieve popularity, only to fail miserabley, causing her to turn against the concept of being likable altogether.  Enforcing rules, and disciplining  her staff is all that makes her feel importanat enough to get out of bed in the morning.  She not only lacks sympathy, she mocks it.  Robb walks right into her office line of fire, and explains that Kam hasn’t seen her BF in 3 months, then was insulted by a customer, and she just needed a pep talk…..Candy’s response?

“And a REALITY CHECK! You need to tell her that I’m not havin it.  I mean, suck it up, cmon!”

That caption is a direct quote.  AND, I’d bet a million bucks that this was the exact response that Candy’s mother gave her as a child/young woman when she was cut from cheerleading tryouts….didn’t make the vollyball team….or the flag corps….then the yearbook staff,…..prom…..femininity ….well, you get the picture.  Her tension is palpable.   This woman desires acceptance so intensly, I fully expect her head to explode at any moment, splattering the walls with bitterness and disdain.  Jesus, that woman is a mess.

Robb tells us he has decided that Jordan (Kam’s BF) needs to come see her.  So he calls Jordan, tells him this, and Jordan half-ass agrees that it’s long overdue, and the call ends with a mutual decision that they need to “tear it up” when he (Jordan) comes.  I can only assume they are referring to Kam’s Meat Curtain.  Ok, lemme get this straight- Kam hasn’t seen her BF in 3 months, and it took a phonecall from her male work friend regarding her broken emotional state to get his ass begrudgenly on a plane.  Oky doky artichoky.

Nancee and M.O.O. decide to go get some lunch together, and switch it up by dining at Saddle Ranch *groan*.  I’m sure they get some sort of discount, but that doesnt reduce the pathetic factor at all for me.  They have a pow-wow of sorts to catch each other up on how the whole “chasing your dreams” thing is going.  M.O.O. reports “ya know…auditions have been slow…..but I have a meeting with an agent tomorrow.  And I got new head shots”.  I wasn’t aware that acting auditions had a “slow season”, but it’s a good enough excuse for Nancee.   M.O.O. asks her “Have you called Kim Vo (that famous stylist who gave her his card, offering to help her out) ?”  Nancee, “No”.  M.O.O., “You need to get on it”.  Wow. The determination and persistence that these young hopefuls  to fulfill their “dreams” is overwhelming.  As they eat, M.O.O. basically forces Nancee to call Kim Vo as she interviews that she hasn’t called cause she’s scared he won’t remember her.  Well, Punkin, if he don’t remember you today, he probably won”t tomorrow either.  Anyway, she calls, and it made me cringe watching her struggle to speak at all, much less say anything important or relevent.  Kim is super-nice and makes an appointment for her to come in and maybe get her foot in the door.  FF to said meeting.   Nancee sits down with Kim, and he simply asks her what inspired her to do hair.

You guessed it- CRI-CKETS.

Man, no disrespect to Kim Vo, but why exactly is she so intimidated by this guy?  Yes, he may be one of the well-known hair experts who she admires, but he’s really sweet and friendly, and just asked a simple question.  She has no clue what to tell him.  Hey Nancee,I have a wild idea.  You could just start by telling him what inspired you to hair.  Am I crazy? Why is she stumped?  Help- me out here, people.  Now might be a good time to go check in with M.O.O., cause his meeting HAS to be going better than this awkward failure, right?…….

……..Oh my.  You guys.   Prepare yourselves….

I MUST provide you with exact quotes, cause this painful exchange needs minimal capping skills.  So, M.O.O. enters his meeting with his (hopefully) his new agent. Sidenote-I’m pretty sure I’ve/we’ve seen him in this EXACT same outfit everytime he’s been filmed when not at SR working.

Ok, so he enters the agent’s office, they shake hands, sit, and the agent jumps right in by asking M.O.O. what experience he has.  M.O.O.’s answer- “I’m from Minnesota, and I did a lot of  commercials and print modeling there”.  The agent wants to see headshots.  M.O.O. has brought two 8x10s, and they look exactly the same aside from his smiling in one.

 

It’s a damn good thing that the “Olan Mills” booth in the Wal-Mart was open last night,or he woulda been royally screwed.

Agent then asks if/what other outside income, if any, does M.O.O. have.  M.O.O.’s response?

“I work at Saddle Ranch on Sunset Boulevard.  I serve, sometimes host, and I operate the mechanical bull (his voice now gets VERY serious).  And with massive conviction, he announces, “When I’m operating that bull, it’s like I’m ON STAGE”.  That’s an exact quote.  Yeah, really.  Dude, I SWEAR!!!. Hey, you’re all more than welcome to go to vh1.com, view the ep, and see for yourselves.

This meeting COULD NOT be more of a waste of time for this agent, right?  Poor guy.  Oh shit, he’s decided to at least let M.O.O. have the chance to wow him with his preperd monologue.  Break a leg, M.O.O.!!……..-er-….

 

“Oh, I wasn’t aware that you would have to see me act before agreeing to be my agent. Don’t worry, Bro, I got this. ‘Mechanical Bull Operator’….rememberrrrrr?!?”

M.O.O. almost seems taken aback that this agent has asked to see him perform a little something.  He says “I didn’t actually…..have a monologue…prepared.”

“And to think, I  cancelled  my daily lunch-hour bangfest with the mistress for this little twerp..Grrrr”

I KNOW, RIGHT?  Question for anyone out there who is an actor, or has gone through an agency like this: Aren’t there two main things you would always know to have when walking into a meeting such as this, or an audition?

1) Up-to-date headshots, done by a professional, and maybe IN A FUCKING FOLDER, OR BOOK, OR SOMETHING! Oh, well I guess only the real actors who have invested in impressive/professional headshots would need to use a cover.

2) A MONOLOGUE!!!

Am I crazy?  I’ve never acted, or been to an audition, but I have common sense, and I have been to a million job interviews, and I don’t show up without the neccessary documents, paperwork, or proof that I can actually perform the duties that the job would require of me.  It would be like me going into an interview at an ambulance service, and not having with me (at the very least) my paramedic credentials, and driver’s license to show them.  Jeez. Commercial.

Ugh. We’re back to check in and see how Nancee’s interview is going. I don’t care, so just  know that Kim asks Nancee if she would get nervous cutting celebrities’ hair. HA!  Nancee?  Intimidated by a celebrity?  Oh, Kim Vo….

We aren’t provided with the ending of M.O.O.’s meeting,  so the editors prob assumed we saw enough to know the agent either laughed in his face, or put put a hit on him, or both. (Hopefully the latter).

Jordan is in town now, and he meets up with Robb.  Sorry you guys, but I’m going to have to omit this scene, cause the first 30secs of their convo is LITERALLY an exchange of “Bro”, “dude”, ”like”, and “stoked”.   The dedicated recapper in me wants to stick this one out to hear the purposal discussion about to happen, but, LIKE, for real, DUDE, the bartender in me wins…

Holla!…..bro

(yes, I’m wasted in this pic. Hey, Tuesday day shift from 10am-7:30pm. Don’t judge me.)

Ugh.  Now I have to go ring shopping with these two inarticulate tools.  The saleslady has the worst haircut/do i’ve seen since the one I gave myself in a drunken stupor in 2005.  It’s almost as awful as her voice.  Man, I gotta hook ya’ll up with a pic of this one.

I don’t know what she’s hiding under there, but I seriously doubt it’s worse than the hair.

She asks Robb and Jordan what they need help with today, and Jordan responds “I’m here attempting to get myself hitched.  So make me look good.”.  Well, you could start by not saying things like “get myself hitched”, mmkay?  Anyway, sales hoe tells them everything about every ring, what cut it is…zzzzzz…Jordan buys a ring. I don’t know if it’s pretty, and neither will you, cause they didn’t even get a decent shot of it.  Robb tells us that you could buy a “respectable used car” with how much J spent.  Yawn.  The only ring I give a shit about is my NuvaRing, sooooooo…NEXT!!

OMG, here we go again with Nancee and M.O.O.. I’m really sick of these two, so massive run-on sentence in 3……2……1

Meeting up to eat at -SHOCKER- da Ranch, and Nancee is excited to tell M.O.O. that Kim Vo hired her as a receptionist to start off, M.O.O. cracks a joke bout her being the scissors-bitch or something (thanks for the support, Dick), Nancee says she doesn’t give a shit cuz she’s got a J-O-B, and with that, it’s M.O.O.’s turn to talk about his meeting, so M.O.O. tells her that the agent wanted a monologue, he didn’t know he’d have to do one, so the agent said to come back when he does, so Nancee suggests he do his monologue he does to get random hoes to fuck him, he says “It worked for you”, she responds “No, it’s called Tequilla”…..BURN!!!!! Man, Nancee should be bartending.

Kam is waiting to have dinner with Robb, and he sneaks J in and surprises Kam.  She’s crazy-happy, and they hug and kiss till Robb is uncomfortable enough to bolt.  Kam VOs that J is the greatest man on the planet.  No Bitch- my dad is, so shut your pie-hole.  Anyway, they are sooooo googily-eyed with each other.  I mean LOOK!-

I don’t know why shes doing this, but she looks cute doing it, so whatevs.

He lives 3000 miles away, and they say they see each other every month, which isn’t true according to the begining of this ep, but they’re sooo happy that it makes one wonder “what’s their secret?”……and just like magic, Kam simultaneously VOs that THEY HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 6 MONTHS!!!  6 MONTHS!!! Sooooooo…..6 month long relationship+3,000miles apart=4-6 weekends spent together?  Well, what are you waiting for, J?!  Get on your knee, Eager Beaver!  Let’s DO this!! Whoo hoo!  F.M.L…. They decide to go ride the bull first.  I don’t even know what to say about all this….

Get in line, boys.   GET. IN. LINE.

The couple arrives at SR, and guess who else is there?  Yup, the ENTIRE FUCKING STAFF on their night off.  Nope, they aren’t there cause they know about the proposal (besides Robb), they’re just pathetic and have no lives.  And btw-Rach is acting mad, stomping around behind the bar, and completely ignores Kam when she is yelling Rach’s name 3 ft from her face for her to come meet J.  *sigh*.  Robb VOs that he’s “disappointed” in her (Rach) for this.  I’m just disappointed in the human race, at this point. *sighsigh*……

On that note, I’m finished reacapping this episode, but Jordan hasn’t purposed yet……zzzzZZZZZ……..

He gets on the bull, but instead of riding it, he grabs the mic, and starts talking about his great GF Kam in this WEIRD radio voice.  It’s sooo overdone, waaay too long, and everyone is confused, and prob just think he’s wasted.  Finally, he forces Kam to come join him, gets on his knee, and gives her the ring.

This is overwhelmingly romantic

She says yes, and interviews that being proposed to in a mechanical bull ring is a fairy tale to her.  Alrighty.

GASMII INTERMISSION!!! -We’ve still got one episode to go!  But it’s gonna be super-short, and will most likely consist of more pics than words.  TAKE A BREAK!

Ok, it’s GO time! HomeMOTHAFUCKINstretch.  FINAL EPISODE.  On the edge of you seats?  Me neither.

Montage of what we’ve seen.  Montage of what we’re gonna see.

We pick back up where we left off, which was where, Gasmi?  Where do we pick back up EVERY week?  With Racheal being a piece of shit.  Everyone is happy for Kam and J, drinking champange and smiling…

“Whatever.  We’re not BEST friends..”

Racheal does’nt even look in Kam’s direction, much less act like a FRIEND to HER FRIEND who just got FRIGGIN ENGAGED!!! Everyone else notices, and agrees that she sucks at life.

Robb even seems to have the “fuck her childish bullshit” attitude, and it’s nice to see.  He tells us that he never knows why she’s mad, and does this in reaction to the sitch:

Now he knows how we’ve felt ALL season.

Rach tells US via interview that she’s behaving this way cause

1)She still “feels weird” about what happened on the ski trip.

2) She’s jealous cause she wants to be engaged one day. (Good luck with that, you miserable hag)

I will interpret that into adult language for you all as follows:  She is still mad at Kam for something that her liquor-soaked brain manifested.  And she knows deep down that her life is empty and pathetic, and no man will invest in “forever” with her cause she sucks (the opposite of Kam).   Anyway, how is she unaware that  it’s not about her right now?  She makes it VERY apparent that she’s far too self-absorbed to feel any happiness for another person, even a good friend. Officially done with this storyline, cause I hate her with all of my being.

Next day.  Kam and Jordan go to “Pink Cheeks” Salon to get Kam’s vag “bejazzled”. W. T. F.?  She lays on an exam table while J and an old-ass perverted grandma use tweezers to stick rhinestones on her labia.

I don’t understand.

The grandma assisting with the “bejazzling” (I reeeaalllly don’t understand) is maybe the nosiest person in the history of the universe.  She is asking them everything, from if they’ve set a date (just got engaged last night), to whether they use protection or not.  They don’t seem to mind.  I do.

Cassie and Nick have a dinner date.  And it’s NOT at SR!!! I’m proud of them!  They talk about how they got together as if it was the scandel of the century, and how after their “gym date”, everyone knew about them.  Probably cause you’re all losers who don’t hang out anywhere but your workplace, or with anyone but your co-workers.  Just a theory.  They then have the whole “Sooo, how do you think things are going?”…”I dunno….how do YOU think things are going?” convo.  Ugh. Cass interviews that she likes  Nick, but she just wishes she could “rough him up” a little bit.  She doesn’t mean just in bed, necessarily.  He’s just generally kind of a stick in the mud douche.  As Cassie is saying this, the waiter simultaneously brings out a tray with a teddy bear, a note, and two tequila shots on it.  I’m not kidding.  Cass is like “uh….” She reads the note.

There I answered for her.

I’m going to assume she said yes, and move on.  Sorry, but this has been the longest recap ever, and I have a ton of shit to do.  As in, ride down the street for my Boone’s Farm, and get to the pool before the good sun is gone.

Yup, still unemployed.

Jordan is leaving. Sad.   Kam is crying. Sadder.

Sweater-vest. Saddest.

Night shift at SR.  Robb is behind the bar, and Rach is at the bar as a customer.  She VOs that Robb is mad at her cause “I didn’t stop what I was doing and watch Kameron get engaged”.  No, you dramatic bitch, he’s mad cause you ignored her completely and didn’t tell her “congratulations”.  Because of this, he is now completely ignoring HER, and it’s hilarious.  I’m actually proud of him right now.  His tactic works, and she is now crying with her girls in the parking lot.  She also tells us that it’s really fucked up that he called her a “terrible friend”.  Fucked up, or true?

Kameron is at Ratface’s place, and thinks she might be pregnant.  Ooohh…bad day.  She tells Rat that last time J was in town, they got caught up in things and…..blah blah blah. AKA-He didn’t pull out.  Time to find out!  Oh, and apparently J wants her to be preggers.

If I had a dollar for every time….NVM

Five mins later.  NEGATIVE x 4!!!  PHEW!  Whoop Whoop!

Nighttime at SR.  Cassie pulls Nick aside.  I guess she had checked “Maybe” on the note (LOL), and has now decided to give him an answer.  She gives him the note back again, it has “Maybe” crossed out, and “Yes” checked.*groan*

Time for Rach’s weekly “Talkin’ to” from Robb.  Has he grown balls?  Will he dump her?  23rd time’s the charm?   Nope.  Basically, he says he’s not gonna put up with her shit or keep talking her down everytime she goes into a drunken rage.  She says “I know”.  He says he’s too old for that shit.  She says “I know”.  She tells him she doesnt even like getting so trashed, and that she wants to work on it.  He says he will help her, then tells her she’s beautiful.  They make out.

Night shift at SR.  Ratface gets Kam from the bar to go in back and talk to Racheal.  Awe! Racheal has  flowers for her, and says “Dude, I’m sorry”.  Kam says “It’s ok, dude.”  Rach, “I’m reeeeally sorry, dude”.  They hug, annnnnd….

“Is it gonna be ‘open bar’?”

I wonder if Larry will charge Kam and J to have the wedding at SR.  Probably will.

Closing time at SR.  Montage of staff closing down.  Final thoughts?

Cassie-Loves the opportunities that SR brings her, s/a last weeks’ dance tryout, and a “sexy man” (debatable) to call “her very own”.

Robb- Some shit about Racheal, and leaving her fuck-ups in the past.  He’s oblivious to that being his downfall, I suppose.

Everyone has finished closing except Rach and Kam (how convenient), and they have a heart-to-heart.  Well, it’s more of a fake-ass, lovey-dovey, flirty, bullshit sesh, but you get the point.  They first discuss how CUH-RAAZY it is that they hated each other at first.  Actually, I remember Rach just being a territorial nightmare, treating Kam like shit till she decided she wanted to fuck Robb, then kissing Kam’s ass.  To-may-to, to-mah-to.  Rach tells Kam “I think i’m in love with you”.  Kam tells Rach “You’re gonna be the hottest bridesmaid ever”. They hug.  Annnnnnnnnnd SCENE!

PHEW!!!!!  Ok, guys.  Hello?  Heeellllllllllloooo?  HEEEEEELLLLLOOOOOOOO?  Anyone still there?  Haha. I wanna say thank you guys SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOO much for reading!  Let me know what you thought about all this, for real.  What made you laugh?  What made you cry?

I’ll be recapping the upcoming new series “Expedition Impossible”, which begins tonight on ABC.

Love you all!  Tmurda xoxoxo