Saddle Ranch: Nothing Nice to Say

Jeez, ya’ll.  For real.  You have no clue what it took for me to get this recap even STARTED, for Christ’s sake.  How shall I explain?!….Hm….Long story short- A) Some asshole over at vh1.com decided not to post this week’s ep for me.  B) Other than producing my recaps, checking my e-mail, and navigating through facebook, I’m computer illiterate.  C) I don’t own/use a credit or debit card of any kind, therefore itunes was not originally considered an option…..You get the picture.  Thanks Mommy, for your VISA card #!  I will be at her house in about 11 or 12 hours pulling weeds as a result.  Oh, and thanks to my sister for navigating me through MY OWN itunes via cell to help me find where the shit was actually downloading, and how to play it.  Man, I am in so much trouble in this world.   No matter how dumb I am, though, I will never be as dumb as these clowns at SR!!!  Let’s get going, cause my brain is more than ready to go catatonic.

Montage of what we’ve seen.  Remember what happened last week, kiddies?  No?  I’ll give you a lil’ clue:

Look out for that heat lamp there, Buddy!-er-nvm.

Haha.  That shit was awesome.  Anyhoo…Montage of what we’re gonna see.  This week, Larry (owner with a super-nasally/nerdy voice i’m just now noticing) announces to the staff that there will be a bull-riding contest for a vay-cay, cut to contest and everyone chanting “Bullshit!  Bullshit!” (very mature), then Racheal saying she wants to punch Nancee in the face (as do I), and Robb saying he’s “not gonna do it anymore” (“IT”-as in deal with Rach’s drama).  So basically, Nancee wins the contest, Rach is a sore loser, and Robb’s gonna pretend their “relationship” is on the line, before getting over it in 13seconds?  Hey, I haven’t sat in front of my t.v. for 28yrs without learnin’ a few things, my friends.  Let’s see how accurate my abilities are, shall we?

Daytime at SR, and all 258 employees are present.

Holy shit.  No wonder Candy always looks like she just single-handedly fought WW2.

Larry announces the deets, and they are as follows:  Something about trying new “signature” dishes (which appear to be a standard steak, spin-dip, etc.) and drinks, whoever sells the most of these items by the end of the week will go on to a “finals” of sorts (the bull-riding contest), and compete to win a $5000 trip for two to the lovely…….exotic……across the globe……

Crickets?

L.O.L.  We all know what an “all-inclusive, Spring Break Package” entails.  It starts with an “S”, and ends in “M”, with two letters in between that just happen to form 2/3 of the word “CAT”.  And sidenote- Unless you are an actual STUDENT, and like 20-21yrs of age-YOU DON’T GET A “SPRING BREAK”!-thankyouverymuch.  All jokes aside, I’d be happy with a free trip to the local movie theater, so let’s just call it a wash.  Everyone is pumped and ready.  Time to sell sell sell!  BTW-I forgot to mention that the winner of the bull-riding portion of the competition will be decided by crowd applause.  HA!  More on this shortly.

Cue montage of SR employees (aka-vh1 show cast members who will coincidentally end up participating in all stages of the competition) interviewing about his/her tactic and/or strategy.  Collective “sell a lot of shit, and kick everyone else’s asses, cause no one can sell more than me”.  Apparently, Nancee and M.O.O. are besties, cause she IVs that there’s no one else she’d rather hang with, drink with, steal a car with..wait-whaaa?  She actually said that.  I’m confused, but too excited about the inevitable/impending trainwreck to touch that one.  These said besties are sharing a meal in order to discuss how bad they want the trip, and what they are gonna do to get it.  M.O.O. uses the good ‘ole BS factor he’s been perfecting as a SR server, concluding that they will just sell their assess off, then make sure they have the most people present for the bull-riding portion, therefore, producing the most applause.  Genius.  This is the same tactic used at a little establishment in Nashville that I used to frequent on Sunday nights called “Silverados”.  This was a half-line dancing, half-rap/hip hop club.  This respectable business let any girl of any age through the doors to drink the night away.  I saw more fights at that place than I want to remember, and their weekly “Wet T-shirt Contest” did not disappoint.  Visualize obliterated 18-20yr old girls, wearing a thong and 2inch-thick piece of t-shirt scrap across some part of her torso, on her hands and knees in a baby pool, shakin’ her labia with all her might.  FOR $100-$200!!!  Fortunately, I was never one of them.  And the same girl won EVERY SINGLE WEEK!  How, you ask?  BY HAVING THE MOST FRIENDS THERE TO APPLAUD/SCREAM/SMASH BOTTLES ON EACH OTHER’S HEADS,ETC!  My point to all this being-M.O.O. holds the key to success reguarding the “Bar Room Contest” genre there in his little hands, and me thinky it might just get he and Nancee to Cabo!

It’s go time, people!  Shift ‘o’ chaos!  Within 1.4 secs, Candy has told employees 1) “Kill it tonight, cause I’m startin’ to get irritated with you guys” and 2) “I just want to remind you guys to push the signature items!”.  They get it, Candy.  Sheesh.  This woman is just too much.  Rach tells us that she’s not worried cause she “could sell water to a whale”.  But can she out-smart M.O.O. in the long run?  Her future declaration of wanting to punch Nancee in the face tells me no.  Just a hunch.  Montage of staff running around like crackheads at a bus stop.  At the end of the night, the finalists’ names are posted for all to see.

I’m. Shocked.

I’m pretty sure that’s everyone cast on this show, no?  Give or take 1 or 2.  I’m overcome with surprise, and you?  Everyone is “stoked” (ugh).

Next day.  Robb, Kam, and Cassie head to their old stomping grounds (the Universal SR location) in order to visit an old friend.

Cue “old-western-deserted-townsquare-tumbleweeds-blowin’in-the-distance-two-cowboys-faceoff-pre-shootout” music.  If you don’t know what I’m referring to, go download R.Kelley’s “Showdown” on itunes.

Anyway, before the trio get to practicing, they must sit for a pre-ride whine-fest, complements of Robb and his E.T. fingers.  Yes, Gasmii.  He’s STILL whining about his burned hand, which btw doesn’t look anything but normal from where I sit.  They discuss what a dilemma this presents Robb with, and how will he handle it?  By saying fuck it and competing anyway.  Soooo…..tear your hand up even more, running the risk of acquiring an injury which may rendure you unable to bartend (aka YOUR FUCKING LIVELYHOOD) even longer?  If only he was as skilled in the “judgement” department as he is in the “pretend my head is really really cold” department…..whatever.  I hope he bites it, loses the contest, and cries like the little bitch that he is.  Sorry-I hate whiners.

Get a prosthetic and call it a day, Drama Queen!  Sheesh!

They finally mount the bull one by one, with all the “reverse cowgirl” and “this squishes my balls” jokes you can shake a leg at, collectively suck at it, and that’s that.  They get some laughs out of it, so it’s not a complete waste of an afternoon, I suppose.

Contest day at Nancee’s apt.  Nancee, M.O.O., and two friends are brainstorming on how to set the two competitors apart from the rest.  Out of nowhere, as if he is revealing the meaning of life to the entire world, random male friend says “Dude.  Just do ‘the speedo thing’”.   M.O.O.’s like “Just do ‘the speedo thing’ “?  Random male friend said it like ‘the speedo thing’ is equivalent to brushing your teeth in the morning, or undressing BEFORE stepping into the shower, or something equally common-knowlege.  It’s hilarious, and either this guy is dumb as shit, drunk as shit, stoned as shit, or just talks exactly like Pauly Shore, cause he is trippin’ me out in this moment, ya’ll.  At any rate, “the speedo thing” is translated as wearing a robe over a speedo till it’s your time to shine, then shedding it slowly to unveil said speedo in order to enhance energy/noise/applause from the spectators.

Zach Morris on ‘roids: “You know, dude. THE speedo thing!”

Ryan Cabbrera in Members Only Jacket: “Theee speedo thing, or THE speedo thing?”

When it comes to Nancee, she tells M.O.O. “I’ll wear whatever your want me to wear” (way to play ‘hard-to-get’, Nance. Jeez).  M.O.O. decides on “sexy” and “revealing”  for her attire, to which she responds “I drink beer!  I’m not geting in front of a crowd in a bikini!”  Alright- 1) So you WON’T wear whatever he wants you to where? 2) What the hell does drinking beer have to do with anything? 3) You won’t wear a bikini in front of a crowd, but you’re trying to win a trip to the beach?  Ok, then.  Just makin’ sure we’re on the same page, here.  M.O.O. and I react almost in sync:

WOMEN!

At the end of the day, no one was really trynna see this one in a bikini anyways, correct?  Meeting ajourned, and on her way out the door, Nance informs M.O.O. “You better manscape like a motherfucker!”  LOL.  Now I almost feel bad for being ugly (key word:almost).

Contest time! Yipeeeee!  *screechhalt* *-wait-* *no?yes?* *huh?* DAMMIT!!!! First we must be subjected to MORE GD WHINING!!!!! This time it’s Cassie.  She’s telling Girl-Who’s-Name-I-Can-Never-Fucking-Remember-But-She’s-the-One-Who-Hated-Cassie-2-Eps-Ago-and-Looks-Like-a-Rat all this shit about how she fucked up her hand, tore tendons, broke this and that, pulled somethin’, blah blah blah.  So, she’s pulling out of the contest?  Hell to the no.  Jesus, this is all so dramatic.

So A) She eats shit and gets to blame it all on her injury, or B) She wins, and appears more heroic BECAUSE of her injury.

Nice try, Twinkletoes, but Robb is waaaay ahead of you.

Commercial.  For the love of GOD!

We’re back, and in an unexpected twist of events, Racheal IVs that she thought the winner was determined by audience participation, but she now sees that there are judges present, so she’s confused.  Me too, girl.

1986 called- they want their panel back.

They are Ricky Somethinorother (the dude that hosts “Rock/Daisy of Love/Bus”), Kimberly Cole (the not-even-one-hit wonder who performed on an episode of ”The Bad Girls Club”), and some Playmate.  Wouldn’t it be hilarious if they had ACTUAL bullriders as the judges?  Maybe not hilarious, but it would at least make some kind of sense.  NVM.  The host/MC gets all serious, saying the RULES are as follows:

Man, what ever happened to Luke Perry, anyway?

This, and he says that applause will account for 50%.  That’s it.  No, really.  That’s all he gives as an explanation.  I’m serious.  It’s unthinkable that this friendly little contest might end in a shitstorm.

Round One-Racheal

Zero points

She IVs that since she lost, it’s all up to Robb now, and he’d BETTER take her on the trip.  Dear Racheal, Maybe you should have watched your behavior (aka alcohol intake) a few nights ago, then maybe Robb’s hand wouldn’t be injured and your little fantasy could possibly come true! Sincerly, Hindsight.

Did she age about 12yrs, or is it me?

Next up is some chick named Jordana who we’ve never seen, and she barely flinches during her over 8sec ride, throughout which she NEVER ONCE USES HERS HANDS/ARMS.  Not kidding.  She doesn’t touch the bull or hold on even for a second, other than to climb on and/or off the bull.  Cassie half-ass explains through IV that half of the score is from staying on for at least 8secs, and the other half is from applause+whatever points the judges give based on “how the contestant rides the bull”.  WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????????  AM I CRAZY?  DOES THAT MAKE ANY KIND OF SENSE AT ALL TO ANYBODY?  I feel like I’m going insane.  This show is going to land me in an institution if it does not start mixing in a bit of logic.  I’m asking you, Gasmii, to explain this all to me if you have some insight to offer.  Otherwise, I think I should just move on before my meninges splatter all over my computer screen.  Jordana bitch got 22points.

Round three.  I never imagined I’d be so happy to see……wait for it……

“THE SPEEDO THING”!!!

Man, I couldn’t have been given a good laugh at a more crucial moment in time.  This shit is HILARIOUS!  He lasts his 8secs, and the bull shakes about, jiggling what flubber he DOES have all over the place.

He manscaped, but opted to not spray-tan.  Tragic, but hysterical.

20 points. Next up is Kam, then Nick (Cassie’s boy-toy), then Daniel (?), they all suck, and all get nada points.

Cassie’s turn.  I’d first like to officially retract my prior statement reguarding her boytoy (Nick) being attractive in some way.

I think I previously made a snap decision based upon his body and dimples.  But no. Not hot. At all.

He further confirms my change of heart by saying something corney and boring about how he’s worried about Cassie competing with a broken hand (A- her choice, and B- her choice), but some shit about how she’ll still be the hottest bullrider…to….ever……zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz………..

“So EFF YOU, Dr. Jones!  Screw you, your diagnosis, AND your PHD!!!”

As you can see, neither Cassie, nor her crotch will be going to Cabo.  Next is MybabydaddyNoah, he’s dressed in Superman undies, a crazy black and yellow mask, does well, and gets 29 points.  Yay.  MC says that Robb is up now, and I guess his two brain cells bumped into each other, cause he’s decided to back out cause he “can’t grip anything”.  There ya go, Punkin.  Common sense.

Nancee’s turn.  She’s wearing a cute little red bumble-bee costume.  Not only does she go over her required 8 seconds, she does it with NO HANDS/ARMS, AND she tears off her wings and throws ‘em to the crowd like a rockstar/insect/intoxicated fool.  She gets 27 points.  This means she, MybabydaddyNoah, and Jordana will move forward to the final round.  What does this final round consist of?

Cue Candy’s head exploding

Jordana strips, eats shit, collects zero points, and scampers off to search for her dignity.  It’s Nancee’s turn, she mounts the bull, and we see this:

Just save up your tips for two weeks, and take yourself to Cabo, you Buzzkill!!!

This image does three things for me. 1-Makes me hate this dumb bitch even more. 2-Makes me feel bad for the MC. and 3-Causes me to have an epiphany that I should have called my ex-boyfriend about 20mins ago to make sense of all this “make up the rules as you go” nonsense.  He is the Master when it comes to that shit!  He once got his ass stranded on the course as a result of his behavior during a mini-golf game we once “played”.  No lie.  This same guy refused to speak to me for the remainder of one of the few dates he ever took me on because I beat him at air hockey.  If he was losing, he would literally pull rules out of his ass.  If I can recall, the rule he created during the mini-golf game involved adding 12strokes to my score for hitting my ball into the grass.  This is after he had hit his ball into the water twice with no penalty.  NVM.  You get the picture.

I’m getting tired of this shit so I will just sum it up for ya.

1- Racheal is a twat.

2-She decides to point out Nancee’s feet in the straps, now that it’s the FINAL round, of course.

3-Racheal is still a twat, and IVs that Nancee should have been disqualified.

4-The judges ask a non-existent person if the feet-in-straps thingy is against the rules.  Non-existent person doesn’t answer.

5-Nancee’s just like “Fuck it, I won’t use the straps”.

6-Nancee doesn’t use the straps, still stays on pretty long, but not 8secs, so zero points.

7-MybabydaddyNoah gets “bucked” off instantly and everyone bitches that the guy in control of the bull started before he was ready.

I’ll take them ALL to Cabo if they agree to just quit bitching and have a good time!

8-Noah and his crew decide that he should get another chance, so he mounts the bull again, only to be told to get down cause he actually does NOT get another chance.

9-”Boooooo”s all around.

10-Jordana’s sluttly crew begins chanting “Jordan! Jordan! Jordan!” repeatedly.

11-Nancee’s crowd begins chanting “Nancee! Nancee! Nancee!” repeatedly.

12-Noah’s crew begins chanting “Noah! Noah! Noah!” repeatedly.

13-Maddness ensues.

PHEW! Ok, Gasmii.  Your turn.  If you were a vh1 “Saddle Ranch” producer, what would be your #1 wish at this very moment?……think hard…….what could possibly happen right now?

YES!!! RING RING!!! NO FUCKIN’ LIE, YOU GUYS! Cut to phonecall from Larry:

“Hi Larry!… Oh it’s fine….Everybody’s really enjoying it……It’s going fine!”

The above caption is, shit-you-not, an EXACT quote.  LMAO.  I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

Nancee wins.  Racheal IVs that she’s pissed cause “The person who should have won (Noah) got cheated, and the cheater (Nancee) won!”  Whatever you say, Drunkey-Monkey!  God, she COULD NOT get ANY more annoying tonight, could she?  HA! Guess again.

Nope.  She’s not finished.

All this over a trip to Cabo.

She continues on like this for a while, yelling about how she wants to lose her job to punch Nancee in the face, and blah psycho blah.  She’s seriously THAT mad over this.  Robb basically tells her who cares and to shut her dick-sucker cause she’s drunk.  Well, that’s what he said to her in MY world.  He more-so just IVs that he thought Rach said she wasn’t gonna drink for a while, but……anyways. BTW-Nancee was forced to flee from SR, run to the back parking lot, and cry.

This episode ends with Racheal getting her skull beat in for being such an awful, cruel human being.  Ok, that’s not true.  It ends with the entire staff standing up for what’s right by shunning Racheal from her high-horse, and eventually her job.  Dammit.  Lie.  Racheal gets dumped for being such a wreckless drunk, and apologizes to Nancee.  Nope.  Everyone lets it go, including Robb after a 3min half-ass lecture.  There it is.  That’s how it ends.  We close with M.O.O. drunkenly trying to make Nancee feel better.

“All-inclusive” better include therapy.

This was heartbreaking, to say the least.  BTW- my expert prediction in the opening of this recap, reguarding how this episode would play out was pretty much 100% accurate, no?  Anyhoo, if I wasn’t broke, there’d be a hit on Racheal.  I hate her.  You can’t treat people like that.  At least have the decency to say horrible things behind the person’s back (for example-in a blog/recap).  Jeez.  Next week, shit goes down.  That, and I send more hate-mail to Racheal, vh1, Larry, Candy, and Flipit for giving me this show.   J/K, guys.  I want your thoughts and questions.  Am I being overly irritated at what just happened?  Sidenote-did anyone else think that “ Zach Morris on ‘roids” and the bull operator guy might be the same person?  Twin brothers?  Is anyone else wondering what ever happened to the competition between the SR location employees we were presented with in episode 1?  My birthday is June 16th, and I think I will ask my parents for a round-trip ticket to L.A., just so I can walk into SR, call Racheal a pasty-cracked-out-alcoholic-washed-up-CoyoteUglyWannabe-miserable-old-Haggarela, break her jaw, and walk right back out.  Yeah.  That’ll help me sleep tonight.  Happy thoughts!

Love ya bunches!

Tmurdaxoxoxo