Saddle Ranch: Maturity Ranch

Ok, Turd Muffins. What’s Been goin down with ya’ll this week?  I went down to Birmingham to visit my bestie, and a two day trip turned into a 5 day laughfest, so I didn’t get home till about 30mins ago (it’s Wed afternoon).  Imma hold off on informing you guys on how my match.com date went cause Flipdaddy needs this cap asap, but next week, i’ll bust it out for ya and I swear, it’ll be worth the wait.  And off we go.

Montage of what we’ve seen, montage of what we’re about to see, which includes a shot-hoe face off (yawn).  And apparently Robb (aka my BabyDaddy) is going to throw a b-day party for his housemate (roommate?), and he and Noah (token allies, remember) decide this is great opportunity to bring together the two SR crews for a truce of sorts.  I happen to think this is a terrible idea, but we’ll roll with it, ya know why?  Because the montage shows us that this happens:

Crabs in your eyebrows, Bro! Happy Birthday, Roomie! (wink wink, nudge nudge)

Then 13 seconds later this happens: (sorry so blurry, folks).

Man, i’d PAY for an invite to that party.

My bad, I’m pullin a Tarantino on ya’ll by starting toward what I’m sure is the final (“cliffhanger” groan) scene of the ep.  Let’s rewind to the beginning, shall we?

It’s daytime, and Kameron is all smiles, because of this:

“How’s the massive sexual tension between you and Robb goin, Babe? I CAN’T WAIT to see it when the show airs!”

Ya know what, I will now opt to FF this irritating new development because A) It’s boring as all hell, B) I am severely bitter toward people who are in love,  C) It’s boring as hell (Did I mention that?)., D) I hate the name Jordan for a guy for some reason, and E) My Red Bull is already wearing off.  Moving on.

Jeez.  Back to the garage pool game between Noah and BabyDaddy discussing the party. Ok, VH1 producers, WE GET IT for Christ’s sake!  Your ultimate goal is to bring together peeps that will inevitably engage in drama.  It’s not the viewers first rodeo, Assholes.  Noah says something about hopefully milk and cookies (and apparently a stripper) will bring the ladies together.

My thoughts exaaaaactly, Noah (minus the crossed fingers).

Nighttime at SR.  Taylor (the “Head Host”/”Head Insignifigant Employee”)  accepts some cash from a customer to skip ahead of the wait list, and be seated immediatly.  There are so many obnoxious things about that entire exchange that I opt to leave it alone.  Just know that Captain Dumshit gets caught, bitched out, required to share it with the other host staff (not fired, for real?), and it’s hilarious and embarrassing as hell for him. LOL.  Moving on.

Next day we are treated to a montage of some of these kids pounding the pavement in an attempt to “pursue their dreams”. ”zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……” OH, saaawwwwy.  I will now provide a pic of each attempt along with a sentance or two breakin it down.  Here we go.  Just for shits and giggles, we’ll go in order from most promising to most tragic.

#1-Cassie is on top. (teeheehee)- Her life dream is to be a professional dancer.

Ok, she’s actually a beautiful, graceful dancer and I’m impressed. I’m also overcome with rage for a good 5 seconds cause she makes me miss my dancer legs. Ugh.

#2-Tyler, who has gone along with Taylor and his manboobs to get new headshots taken.  Lord have mercy.-

Lol.

#3-Taylor-

L.O.L.!!!!

#4-Nancee-

Not the most telling pic, but the jist of is that Nancee moved to L.A. to be a hairstylist (no lie), and this is her giving the worst interveiw in the history of the world, saying things s/a: “Iv’e just been scared to go far yet”, and “I’ve been putting it off so far”.

Basically, I reeeeally hope these kids enjoy working at SR as much as they act like they do.

Next day at SR, Candy’s PMS is waay worse than normal and she’s on a massive rampage/powertrip.  I’ll list her bitchfest as follows:

1) Basically, she tells the host staff that they suck ass, so she will be interveiwing new hostesses/hosts in the hopes of hiring some that are adequate.

2) The female hostess informs her that they have a full staff, and Candy pretty much tells her to fuck off and that attitude is exactly why she’s doing what she’s doing.

3) It’s now time to interveiw the, like, 30 chicks who have shown up for it, and Candy sees that two girls have had a Momosa while waiting, so she aggressively lectures then shoos them away. (I admit that was a bad move, and I was way smarter to just sneak to the bar and down a double shot behind management’s back. Huh Huh-rookies.)

4) Finally, she says with a nasty, snarky undertone ”Um..heh,..listening is important too, justsoyaknow, heh..”  God, she sucks.

Aaaaaand scene. (Thank God).

Nightfall at SR, and BabyDaddy informs Racheal about the party he’s throwing, and she asks if she’s invited (uh…clearly). He says it’s gonna be fun and she’s invited (uh..CLEARLY!).  She interviews that she wonders if this is some plot to get she and Kameron in the same place. Wow.  Nothing gets past this chick, ya’ll.

Back in the kitchen, Noah and Tyler basically have the exact same conversation.

Time for shothoe drama.  Apparently the shot girls are not assigned specific sections to sell in, which is really assanine (sp?) IMO on SR’s part, hence the following scene.  Cassie is selling the shit out of shots, and the other rat-lookin shot hoe finally gets pissed.  She pulls Cassie aside and attempts to “put her in her place” by telling her that she keeps selling in her “section” (inaccurate due to no sections rule), that Cassie is new (not true either), and what she’s doing (kicking Rats ass) is the best way to get on her bad side (obviously true).  Cassie is the shit and tells Ratface/hair “Well, then you need to get to the tables faster.”  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA……..BURN!!!  Then Cassie tells Ratrace/voice to NEVER approach her like that again, and to fuck off and die, Cunt.  Ok, she didn’t say it in those EXACT words, but she honestly might as well have, and it was amazing (not to mention it woke me up).  Commercial (boooooooo).

We’re back, and I guess production is gonna drag out this irrelevent Shot Girl debacle for a little longer.  Rattail has Candy in the kitchen whining her ass off, and I like Candy for about 1.2 secs cause she tells Ratvag “Suck it Up”.  We see Ratbreath doing this: (and I’m praying for an action to follow).

No such luck.  Ratwaffle just provides a mature and original ”Whatever”, and walks away (thanks jerk-off).

Meanwhile, Kameron has shown up for her second (and CRUCIAL)  shift, and she’s sick as hell, ya’ll.  She literally cannot speak, and her glands are visibly swollen.  Damn, it’s almost palpable just looking at her glands.  Ow-eee!  But, she’s a trooper (like myself when I have a job) and she has shown up for work, only to be pulled into the office to be told to go home.  I apologize that I’m giving a somewhat nonspecific/inacurrate description of this scene, but Candy’s running eyeliner is AGAIN too distracting for me to move past.  I keep daydreaming of finding an address or email address to contact her by with suggestions of the 1,000 tricks/ways/products I know of to avoid such a situation.  Sorry. Tangent.

See, ya’ll?  It’s sooo awful, right?  Am I just super-anal?

Time for the infamous party.  Racheal is the last to show up and brings the elephant in the room and a super uncomfortable party favor for the rest of the guests to enjoy the hell out of.  BabyDaddy says some lame joke ab out how Kameron should say hi to Racheal before she throws her in the pool.  Then Kameron automatically drags Cassie by the hand into the house to talk shit about Racheal.  The maturity is overwhelming.

Is this GD episode over yet?  Can we please get to the stripper attack?  Sheesh.  Oh Lord, Ratcrowsfeet shows up at literally the exact moment tha Kam and Cass are talking about the incident between she and Cass.  This Rat is seriously a real skanky, dirty looking chick IMO.  They have some passive-aggressive convo, and I’m over it.

Uhhhh……what happens next is PHENOMENEL.  As Cassie is talking to Shawn’s (room/house mate) GIRLFRIEND, the STRIPPER shows up, and as she enters the cake, she yells “I can get deep, dark, nasty, and wet!”  OMFG.  My jaw is literally on the floor at the moment.  Holy shit this scene is gonna rule!

Here’s the deal.  Stripper comes out and is veeerrrry hot.  Everyone is uncomfortable beside BabyDaddy and Noah.  It’s not even 20secs into the lapdance, and this bitch is already OVERLY aggressive to say the least, and this is Shawn’s GF’s face:

Non-verbal understatement of the year

So, I’m too lazy to capture and edit all the pics of her action, but the stripper proceeds to squish Shawn’s face into her vag, grab his hands and make him squeeze her tits.  And just when the GF is fully in tears, this happens:

Man….if I had a dollar for everytime…….NVM

Yes, she proceeds to beat the SHIT out Shawn, Cassie is prompted (by Kameron) to throw a drink on her for being so disrespectful, and she does.  Stripper is like “Really? Really?” Uh…..really, Skank.  Just sayin.  She leaps over the couch at Cassie, Cassie develops some superhuman strength and catlike reflexes, and shoves Stripper backwards, sending her FLYING backwards, her body landing flat on her back on the floor with a massive “THUD”.  I literally just yelled “Awe SHIIIT!!!!!”  Then slammed my hand over my mouth.  Aaaaaannnnnd scene! BASTARDS!!! AAAH!  DAMN YOU Vh1!!! Damn yooooou!  Grrrrrr…..

Next week looks boring (that is AFTER the first scene providing us with the remainder of the fight, sure to be a disappointment.  Also, Cassie starts crushing on some dude, some surprising kiss happens, and none of the people involved (besidesCassie) are identifiable.  Awesome. Oh, and Taylor might get fired which would make me smile.

Question of the week for you reader.  Who is your fave cast member so far?  Mine is Cassie because she has the biggest balls.  Till next week – smooches smooches

Tmurda xoxo