Saddle Ranch: No Hugs Allowed. Or Wanted.

Alright assholes. You miss me?  I went on hiatas.  For over a month.  During that hiatas, a lot happened.  Iv’e been on match.com, and will be including fucked up/hilarious stories of my datinng experiences in my recaps-fyi.  Let’s see…what else has happened…well, 1) My ipod was stolen. 2) I found this crack-whore shooting up in my bathroom and had to beat her ass for doing so (long story).  3) Was kicked out of school for the semester (even longer story). 4) Had a good friend of 14 yrs steal/almost sell, my laptop.  5) I just spent 6 days/nights camping in North Carolina, in a tent……tornadoes, nuff said. 6) Many other things but i’d rather not be any more depressing.  All bad things for me, but yay for you cuz i’m ready to be extra evil for you reguarding this new show iv’e been given aaaaaaand…..

Aaaaaand…I hate this show already.

Saddle Ranch is basically a Lone Star Steak House mixed with a Coyote Ugly, but way more obnoxious.  I should know.  I worked at both of those places.  Anyhoo, this establishment is in some part of L.A., or Bev Hills, or San Diego, or I’mfromAlabamasoIdon’tknowthedifference&Idon’tgiveaflyingfuck, CA.  Apparently this is where all the Hollywood Hopefuls work by night to pay their rent.  If you’ve ever worked as a server or bartender, then you know about these places and people.  If not, i’ll break it down for you as follows-The hostesses wanna be servers, the servers wanna be bartenders, the bartenders do a lot of blow, and none of them respect the managers.  Got it?  Trust me-they’re all EXACTLY the same.  So, let’s get to know our staff, shall we?  I will introduce the following cast members/employees by giving you an image of each castmate, and whatever profound piece of garbage came out of his/her mouth as his/her intro soundbite, mmkay?  Here we go-

Robb-

“You, like, can’t help but be blown away by Saddle Ranch.  It’s, like, a staple.”  Really? Cause i’ve only heard of/seen this place twice, and those times were both on seperate episodes of the “Bad Girls Club”.  One was when the entire cast got kicked out for no reason, and the other was when Natalie Nunn threw a Red Bull on the bartender, which was hilarious. …NEXT!!!

This is Taylor…

“My goal in life is to be an actor.”  Get in line.

Noah (ALSO featured on the “Bad Girls’ Club” as Sarah’s boytoy who put in all the footwork for a random dude in Mexico to get in Sarah’s pants) OUCH!!…

“Enjoy yourself.  Be an idiot.  Saddle Ranch.  Welcome.”  Will do, partner.

Kameron-

“I’m funny.  I like to drink.  I’m a fucking good time.”  So, you’re a slut? Got it.

Dave’s up-

“We work at Saddle Ranch to make money.  Make a lot of money.”  How much money?  A lot of money?  I’d really like to know how much “a lot of money” really is to these peeps.  And how much of it goes up their nose.

Oh lord.  Here’s Racheal-

“I’m a bitch cause I don’t hold anything back.”  Actually, that just means you have no manners, and……you’re a slut.  Got it.  And btw- she (unfortunately) reminds me of myself when I was a Coyote, except i’m waaay hotter, and I did the whole “dress-like-a-sort-of-dirty-rocker-chick-kind-of-biker-with-tons-of-accessories-and-stick-your-tongue-out-a-lot-giving-the-rockstar-horns-and-be-really-loud-so-people-think-your-bad-ass” thing much better than this girl.  Ah, memories…

Next up is Cassie-

” I’m out here to be a dancer, and that has been my passion since as far back as I can remember.”   I’m sure there are plenty of places in L.A. for you to work as a “dancer”, my dear.  Just sayin.

And finally…Nancee-

“There’s nothing else like. This. Anywhere.”  Ugh. Ok-  1) Is she cross-eyed? Help me, Gasmii. And 2) Yes there is!  We already went over this.  “Saddle Ranch” is a Coyote Ugly with better food, and they have about 15 locations,  mmkay?  So YES- there is another place like “this”.  God, I hate all of them.

Alright, folks.  There they are.  So far, i’m already irritated, because if any of you read my “You’re Cut Off!” recaps, then you already know that one of my biggest pet peeves is when a person names their kid something very generic, but tries to “jazz it up” by spelling it different than it’s normally spelled.  So, clearly I hate this cast (and their parents-most of all).  The editors have also treated us to a plethora of the same BS images you would expect to see whenever there is a mechanical bull involved- 1) Dumb bitches in skirts, being jerked around while desperately attempting to keep her ass covered (failing miserably). And/or 2) The chick in cowboy boots and shorts who is not prepared for the harsh lighting that makes her thighs automatically look like tree trunks of cellulite as soon as she mounts the bull.  Both disturbing and common images.  Sorry.  Tangent.  Commercial.

It’s now daytime at Saddle Ranch, and the hostess gets a phone call that Larry, the owner, is on his way in.  She lets the manager, Candy (jeez), know via headset, and Candy shits her pants.  Well, she might as well have, since everyone, including her, is now literally running around like sheep in a snowstorm.  We see this:

L.O.L.

GOD!  I forgot how much working in a restaurant SUCKS!  Haha.  Anyway, so within about 20secs of Larry’s arrival, he’s got the two managers outside, lecturing them about how some mannequin’s boa needs to be higher up on her shoulder or some shit.  God, he’s awful.  Then, he proceeds to give Dave a “pop quiz” on the establishment’s “10 Commandments”.   ASSHOLE!!!!! He asks Dave to recite “Commandment #3″.  Dave is sweating now, and… “Be a team player???”  CORRECT!  Larry is pleased.  For a second.  He takes the managers out on to the patio for a “meeting”.  Candy tells us that when Larry calls a “meeting”, either they are in trouble, or they have a massive “task” or “project” of some sort to look forward to.  Dave decides to eavsdrop, and it’s cracking me up, for some reason.

Commandment #4- Disrespect authority’s privacy at all times.

Larry tells managment (and Dave, I suppose), that some of the Saddle Ranch employees are doing a great job, but he’s not sure that some of them are quite “Saddle Ranch material”.  Therefore, he wants management’s trusted opinion on how these particular employees are performing and progressing in his/her given job.  JUST KIDDING!  He’s gonna send some “seasoned servers” from the other Saddle Ranch location to evaluate their work!  Makes. No. Sense.  But production had to come up with some kind of show premise, right?  The managers are like “oooookaaaay?”.  We’re told that the other SR location is “just over the hill”.  I’m hoping that is a very big hill, otherwise that would be dumb.  So Candy goes to tell Dave and random hostess the news, and I guess there is a rivalry of sorts between the two SR locations, cause Dave (in an attempt to act surprised) says “You gotta be fucking kidding me!”  Candy tells him to watch his language cause that’s against “policies and procedures”, so he might just be the first to lose his shifts. LMAO.  BURN!!!

Uh….apparently some of the castmates are from the other location, cause now we’re there and we see Robb, Kameron, and Cassie.  Jeez.  I’m confused, annoyed, and nauseous.  Nauseous cause I just ate an entire box of Milk Duds in about 16mins.  Cue montage of employees talking mad shit about the other location.  Boring.  Generic.  Over. It.  Oh!  And iv’e decided Robb is officially hot as hell, and i’d like to bang his brains out.

Next day.  Kameron is floating around in a pool with a handfull of red-cup “Hair of the Dog”, while Robb sits of the side and they flirt for a while.  Robb tells us that they used to flirt like crazy but he thinks that ship has sailed.  She says they have a “love/hate relationship”.  So basically, they liked each other right away, got drunk and bumped uglies too quick, so now they don’t know how to start a relationship, and will forever act like friends while continuously getting pissed every time the other dates someone else.  Right?  Thought so.  If I had a dollar for every time………NVM.

Okay, let me figure this out real quick.  So, it’s “Team Sunset” which includes Nancee, Taylor, Noah, Dave, and Racheal vs. “Team Universal” including Robb, Kameron, and Cassie.  There.  Got it.  Okay.  So it’s the night of the shitstorm(aka meshing of employees at the Sunset location), and I can’t wait.  Neither can my Babydaddy, Robb.

Okay, okay.  Not the best picture, but I swear ya’ll. With the raspy voice? Mmmmm..

So get this, you guys.  Robb has shown up for his shift, and is in back for a sort of pre-shift pow wow with manager Candy, so he can find out where to go and all that.  Kameron shows up to do the same, and she and Robb give each other a side “whassup?” hug, and Candy’s like “Whoa whoa whoa! No hugs! I mean, do you all hug over at Universal?  High fives, no hugs!”

“Side ‘whatsup’ hug Nazi”

It’s a good thing Danny Tanner isn’t on the payroll.  Sheesh!  Kameron and Robb look at Candy then at each other with the same look I have on my face right now.  Like “…..sorry?….”

So, all the employees at Sunset are freaking out cause they’re a bunch of nerds, but are at ease when Racheal shows up, cause I guess she’s the “top dog”.  Racheal gives them a “Don’t worry bout it. I got this.” looks, and heads off to the office area where the new crew is having preshift.  She pops up, and Candy is like “Hey Racheal, this is the crew from Universal, blah blah blah..”

“They better not try to hug me.”

I can’t do it justice, guys, but this bitch (Racheal) is SUPER rude and intimidating.  I like her already.  The others are pissed, so let’s see what goes down next. Candy drops the bomb that Kameron and Racheal will be competing to sell the most, and whoever does will be working “Bar 2″ the next night.  I’m assuming “Bar 2″  is the best bar to work cause Racheal is automatically like “But that’s my bar”.  Candy says no it’s not, argueing ensues, and you get the picture.  This is gonna be fun.

Sidenote-without fail, Robb tells Kameron he thinks Racheal is hot, and Kameron is clearly pissed.  Damn, i’m good!  And apparently Robb and Noah are very good friends, so they are the token allies.  We’ll see how long that lasts.  Although, that’s one “Saddle Ranch sandwich” i’d love to be in the middle of.  DAY-UM!

“Man, I think 27yr old unemployed paramedic students are so f-ing hot!”  “Dude, me too”.  SUH-WEET!

Meanwhile, Racheal is kicking Kameron’s ass.  Granted, these are Racheal’s normal surroundings, and i’m sure she has regulars, so it makes total sense.  Robb finally gets behind the bar as well, and agrees that Racheal is owning that shit.  She elbows Kameron in the kidney, then “spills” a beer all over Kameron’s back (obviously on purpose).  I’d be fired.  Man.  I’d walk her like a dog. Ugh. I’d be in jail by 9pm, guys.  Kameron does it back, it’s awesome, and some chick (customer) tells her as much.  Yay, Kameron!!!  Racheal decides to poor Grenadine in  Kameron’s ice.  Ok.  Let’s show some maturity, ladies bitches.  Cause guess who’s completely fucked over at this point.  The barback (Noah). Cause he’s gonna have to clean it up.  Robb calls this “Gnarly” and i’m shocked we are over 20mins into this borefest, and i’m just now hearing that word.  Cassie is awesome, and starts bringing people from the hostess area to sit at Kameron’s section of the bar, so she doesn’t look like such a loser, and can maybe sell some shit.

Ruh roooohhh…..Kameron tells some customer that Racheal is a bitch, the customer tells Racheal, then Racheal gets the customer to complain to management.  Kameron gets in trouble, and Robb goes to Racheal with this:

I’m. Officially. In. Love. With. Robb.

Anyway, at the end of the night, the girls are brought into the back room by Candy, and Kameron already knows she sold the least.  She says “I don’t have regulars yet.”  Candy says some bullshit about no excuses, Racheal agrees, and I want to kill them both, cause guess what?  Not having regulars is a very valid excuse.  Imma move on cause my forehead vein is about to burst, and Candy’s running eyeliner is horrendous.  Kameron gets in trouble for calling Racheal a bitch to a customer, and Candy says it’s grounds for termination, but she doesn’t get fired, cause then there would be no show.   Candy finds out about Racheal pouring Grenadine in the ice, and blah blah blah.  You get the point, and Candy tells them that Kameron gets another shot behind the bar tomorrow night, but if she can’t cut it, they’ll give Cassie a shot behind the bar, and Kameron will be a shot girl (basically demoted).  Kameron reacts the same wayI would have if faced with this dilemma back in my bartending days: “I’ll quit”.  Damn straight.

So, whaddya think?  I’m on the fence.  Maybe cause this is bringing back many memories for me, and I don’t know how I feel about it.  Damn, i’m emotional lately.  I hope i’m not knocked up.  Eek!  Next week, Noah and Robb have a party, and there’s a fight.  I’m in.

Love ur face! Smooooches!

Tmurda xoxoxo